The Long Firm 2004
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00:00Thank you so much for joining us and we'll see you next time.
01:01I'm nearly as old as the century, and I feel it.
01:07Ceremonial introduction is so solemn and ridiculous.
01:11A younger me would have run screaming into the night at the thought of it.
01:15But it's so very calm and soothing.
01:19I find myself lulled into going along with almost anything these days.
01:24I try to move with a dignified processional rhythm,
01:28but it's hard not to swagger a bit.
01:32It makes the masons look like the boy scouts.
01:37I have other rituals.
01:40Mutual masturbation, I believe, is the current parlance.
01:45But there's an archaic word which describes it far better.
01:49Slick-negging.
01:53Frighteningly dangerous, of course.
01:56But the pestling's off now.
02:02Tom Dryberg's introducing me to Harry Starks.
02:06The name means nothing.
02:08Sounds Jewish.
02:12Still, Tom's contacts always hold some strange promise.
02:19We're living in a golden age.
02:23The consumer age, they call it.
02:26For the first time ever,
02:29ordinary common people are not only encouraged to have money,
02:33they're expected to have it.
02:36Money to consume with.
02:39Money to buy happiness.
02:41Money to change the world.
02:48Where's this money coming from?
02:52How do we get it?
02:55We have to take it.
02:58And the best way to take it, in my experience, is to give.
03:03You give people what they want, and they'll give you what you want.
03:08You give people what they wish for,
03:11they'll give you their soul.
03:14To wish it.
03:16It's a great feeling.
03:20Excuse me, Jones. I'll be right back.
03:24Hello, there.
03:26Good evening.
03:27Teddy, this is Harry.
03:28Harry Starks, Lord Thursby.
03:30Oh, please, Tom.
03:32I'm honoured, Your Lordship.
03:33Oh, no, please, call me Teddy.
03:36If it's all the same to you, I think I prefer Your Lordship.
03:39Harry's a very successful local businessman, aren't you, Harry?
03:43Does a lot of charity work in the East End.
03:45Yeah, boys' clubs, that sort of thing.
03:47Boys' clubs?
03:48That's a bad thing.
03:50Maybe you're even more active in that department than me, Your Lordship.
03:55Craig.
04:01This is former Conservative MP, Lord Edward Thursby.
04:05Oh, hi.
04:07He's a very important man.
04:08Lot of responsibility, lot of stress.
04:11He's lonely at the top, isn't that right, Your Lordship?
04:13Oh, please, no fuss.
04:16Perhaps you could ease his loneliness later, Craig.
04:19If you know what I mean.
04:21Hard.
04:22I do no such thing.
04:23You're a guest in my home.
04:25I won't hear another word.
04:27Craig, start the film.
04:29Get His Lordship a proper drink.
04:31And anything else he wants.
04:34Cheers.
04:42Be careful what you wish for, Your Lordship.
05:03Here you go.
05:05Thank you.
05:10Are you part of the entourage?
05:14Or maybe the entertainment?
05:17If that isn't quite rude.
05:20I just come for the party.
05:21I see.
05:23Harry likes his pies.
05:25And are they always like this?
05:31Is this your first time?
05:34Yes, in a manner of speaking.
05:39I never felt like a proper homer until I met Harry.
05:45I know what you mean.
05:58Where are you taking me?
05:59Come.
06:04Come on.
06:06Come on.
06:11You're a nice looking kid.
06:14Thanks.
06:16So are you.
06:17I mean...
06:18No, no, no. There's a lot of things I have.
06:20A pretty old one.
06:22I don't know.
06:24My auntie, mate, says I'm born to reign.
06:34Hey!
06:35All right, girls?
06:36Piss off.
06:42I like Harry immensely.
06:44He isn't afraid of homosexuality.
06:47He isn't afraid of anything.
06:52The rest of my life consists of tolerating my arsehole of a wife
06:56and living in relative luxury at our very own private expense.
07:00And living in relative luxury at our very own private lot.
07:04Hartwell Juxta Mayor.
07:06I realise the effect a separation would have on you professionally.
07:11So...
07:12I'm prepared to continue with this charade under certain conditions.
07:16The lodge is really looking awfully shabby.
07:18What happened to that builder of yours?
07:21£250 a month to be paid into my account at the Chase National.
07:25Plus a separate financial provision to deal with your IRA creditors.
07:29Such a nice young man.
07:31He really breathed life into the old Belvedere.
07:33Plus £2,000 and a lump sum to pay for renovate.
07:37Oh, you know I haven't got that kind of money.
07:39You haven't got any kind of money.
07:41No, because you've got it all.
07:45You never cared for me, did you?
07:51I get so lonely out here.
07:53Then why don't you divorce me?
07:57After all I've put up with.
07:59Oh, you won't get rid of me.
08:02I'm Lady fucking Thursby now.
08:05Then you should start behaving like her.
08:10I don't know what you expect me to do with my life now that you've become a homosexual.
08:15Why don't you become a lesbian?
08:17I think you'd make a rather good lesbian.
08:27Harry's invited me to his club.
08:29A younger crowd than I'm used to.
08:31Rather underdressed.
08:33But no doubt achingly trendy.
08:35Still, it makes a change from the Hartwell Conservatives
08:38with their dreary businessmen and constituency party tawnies.
08:42Harry, stop.
08:50Sorry.
08:57Oh!
08:59Your Lordship, glad you could make it.
09:01Well, delighted to be here.
09:04Have you met Manny, my accountant?
09:06Hello.
09:07Right, Your Lordship.
09:08That's Jock.
09:09Hello.
09:10Hi.
09:11Would you like a glass of champagne?
09:13I would love a glass of champagne.
09:19Oh, this is wonderful.
09:20Well, this is what you might call a jewel in the crown.
09:23I call it the stardust. You've probably heard of it.
09:26Erm...
09:28It means a vague bell, yes.
09:32Look at these kids.
09:33Look at the suits.
09:36When I was their age, I was wearing my dad's old V-necks.
09:40In fact, when I was their age, I was still on rations.
09:42Well, you've done very well.
09:44Oh, I haven't even started yet.
09:47You see, people think the world revolves around sex.
09:51Hmm?
09:52Sex and glamour.
09:55But you and I know it's about much more than that.
09:59Much more.
10:01Oh, hello.
10:12By way of reciprocation, I've invited Harry to White's,
10:16one of the oldest and most prestigious clubs in London.
10:21It retains a touch of aristocratic rafishness,
10:24which I instinctively know he'll be drawn to.
10:32Oh, Harry.
10:33So glad you could make it.
10:35I wouldn't miss this for the world.
10:37Follow me.
10:38Drink?
10:39Why not?
10:41Nice place.
10:43Wouldn't mind joining myself one day.
10:45It's not cheap.
10:47Least of our worries.
10:48Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
10:51Yours?
10:52Lovely.
11:03All right?
11:09There you are.
11:13Welcome.
11:14Thank you.
11:21Teddy, I'm starting up a new company.
11:25Oh.
11:27And I was thinking that you'd make a rather good director.
11:30Oh, well, I'm a bit tied up at the moment, Harry.
11:33I doubt if I'd be of much use.
11:35Oh, you won't have to do anything.
11:38I'm not talking about an executive position.
11:41Oh, I see.
11:43Now, you're a pillar of the community.
11:45You've made sacrifices.
11:47You've contributed.
11:49God bless you.
11:50Now is your chance to reap a little of what you've sown over the years.
11:56It won't be any trouble.
11:58Just turn up to the odd board meeting,
12:01the annual general meeting,
12:04stuff like that.
12:06Like, um...
12:08Like a mascot.
12:12Well, it really rather depends on what's in it for me, Harry.
12:20What's in it for you?
12:22Yeah.
12:32Your contract, Lord Thorsby.
12:42Harry's desire for legitimacy definitely has its possibilities for me.
12:48And the name Lord Thorsby is bound to look good on his letterheads.
12:53I'm worried that this is going to turn out to be some sort of ghastly Faustian pact.
12:59The only difference, of course, being when Faust signed,
13:04he wasn't having his cock sucked by a 17-year-old wearing Cecil G.
13:18Do you live with Harry?
13:21I just doss where it suits.
13:24Would it suit you to doss here?
13:29I could pay you.
13:31Keep the place tidy, do the odd job here and there.
13:35I've already got a job, working with Harry in the warehouse.
13:38What do you do?
13:41Whatever he asks me to do.
13:44Whatever he asks me to do.
13:47How interesting.
13:54If I looked after you, would you do whatever I asked you to do?
14:03I'd have to talk to Harry.
14:05Harry has taken the gang to the pictures to see his favorite film, Lawrence of Arabia.
14:13He says he's seen it 13 times.
14:16It seems he has great admiration for upper-class men of action.
14:21Lawrence of Arabia, Gordon of Khartoum, Scott of the Antarctic.
14:27I have a great admiration for lazy upper-class fruits.
14:31I have a great admiration for lazy upper-class fruits.
14:35Who long about all day, pleasuring themselves.
14:42That film gets better every time I see it.
14:46Yeah, bleeding shame gets everywhere, doesn't it?
14:49Don't, don't, don't take the piss.
14:53Lawrence was a real man, proper guts.
14:57And he was bent, he was as hard as they come.
14:59It's only a film, Harry. It's what makes the world go round.
15:03Isn't it? Fighting for what you believe in.
15:07Isn't that right, Teddy?
15:11Poor Harry takes it all so seriously, and fatally imagines that I do too.
15:18Your overdraft is now a thousand pounds higher than it was a year ago.
15:24Not only that, but your borrowing is costing you 150 a year in interest.
15:28Now, I have to tell you, investiture or no investiture,
15:33we can't be so lenient now.
15:38Well, um, I'm considering writing my memoirs.
15:44Well, I'm warning you, Teddy, if you don't come up with something soon,
15:48head office will want to know why.
15:57Oh, no!
16:21What's this? Winnings?
16:24But I didn't bet on that race.
16:25I'm putting you on a monthly retainer.
16:29As a business consultant.
16:33Don't worry, occasionally I'll ask the odd favour.
16:36There isn't a bar, Harry.
16:39Well, how else are you going to pay the new houseboy?
16:46Craig.
16:52Here you are.
16:55Go with some more money.
16:59Craig will take care of you.
17:25Candy on the beach does nothing better.
17:30Well, I'd put your blood money into your account.
17:33Oh, dear, shut up, Teddy.
17:35You're lucky I don't ask for more.
17:42Harry!
17:45Good God, is that him?
17:47Yes. Shall I ask him to join us?
17:50After all, it's his money you're spending.
17:52For God's sake, he looks Jewish.
17:55Good gracious.
17:57Still, at least he isn't homosexual.
18:00Listen to me, Teddy.
18:02I no longer care who or what you fuck,
18:05but if there's a scandal, we're both ruined.
18:09I am not fucking you.
18:11We are just good friends.
18:13Oh, I forget, you don't have any friends, do you?
18:16Excuse me.
18:18Harry, my dear child.
18:21What a marvellous surprise.
18:23How are you?
18:25Oh, thank you. This is my wife, Ruth.
18:28How do you do?
18:30I can't say it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Starks,
18:33but I will say I've been curious.
18:35Well, you know what they say about curiosity, don't you, love?
18:39I know what they say about you.
18:41All right, dear, fangs away.
18:45Harry's my business partner.
18:47I'd like you to show him some respect.
18:50Oh? And what kind of business is that?
18:55Boring business.
18:57Terrible business.
18:59The way Ruth carries on, you'd think it was arms dealing.
19:02That's what all the toffs do now.
19:05If only I'd be able to retire
19:08and drink Krug until my fucking nose bleeds.
19:17All right, Jock?
19:19Yeah, great, Harry.
19:21I've just unloaded 25 fridges and a dozen toasters.
19:23Good man.
19:25I've got 30 cookers on the van. I'm saving them till last.
19:28Very wise.
19:30Let's get on, boss.
19:32Yeah? All right, great.
19:34Morning, Matty.
19:36Hi, boss. Watch it.
19:39Now that
19:41is Mr. Pinker's desk.
19:43Pinker's a manager.
19:45No-one sits at Pinker's desk
19:48and no-one touches Pinker's drawers.
19:50Oh, I wouldn't dream of touching Pinker's drawers.
19:51Anyone asks you anything,
19:53you tell them to ask Mr. Pinker.
19:55Pinker's a boss.
19:57Then where does one find Mr. Pinker?
19:59He's not here.
20:01You don't talk to him, he doesn't talk to you.
20:03Yeah, but I'm a shareholder. Surely I can talk to him.
20:05Nobody talks to Mr. Pinker.
20:07Now, look, Harry.
20:09He's very poorly.
20:11He's sickly, isn't he, money?
20:13No, he's not well, man, boss.
20:15In fact, we call him Sickly Pinker on account of the fact
20:18he's so sick all the time.
20:19This is ridiculous.
20:21Yeah, ridiculous.
20:24But true.
20:26Well, at least try and make it look legitimate, Harry.
20:29Oh, it's all legit, your Lordship.
20:31I've got receipts and everything.
20:34Look.
20:36Signed invoices.
20:38You'd be amazed.
20:40Signed by whom?
20:42Mr. Pinker, by any chance?
20:47To be honest,
20:49I'm worried about the precarious nature
20:52of Harry's entrepreneurial activities.
20:55You know,
20:57there are opportunities for you to expand, Harry.
21:01And the bigger your business, the better it looks.
21:04I've thought of a way
21:06that we can legitimize our business interests.
21:09I thought you didn't know anything about business.
21:12Well, perhaps I know more than you think I know.
21:15You see, the problem is
21:16all your capital is invested in small, local enterprises.
21:21Now, what we want is something big.
21:24Overseas.
21:26Or something offshore, yeah?
21:28Yeah, well, I was thinking more along the lines of Africa.
21:31They're trying to get rid of all the socialists.
21:34They need all the capitalists they can get.
21:37What we need is a nice little business empire in the colonies.
21:43An empire?
21:44Yeah, a business empire.
21:46Something we can really get our teeth into.
21:48A chance to show what we're really made of.
21:51And right now the government is rewarding large enterprises in a big way.
21:55Tax breaks, various payouts.
21:58What about a New Year's Honours?
22:01You see, I wouldn't mind a peerage.
22:05I mean, what have you got
22:07that I haven't?
22:08That I haven't?
22:13Well, in fact a knighthood would suit me.
22:16I love that bit with the sword.
22:19Well, it's not unheard of.
22:23Sir Harry.
22:25Sir Starks.
22:30Sir Harry Starks.
22:39Craig!
22:43Craigie!
22:51I don't believe you couldn't sell a Queen Anne.
22:55I'm shocked.
22:58I'd just turn around again and keep going if I were you.
23:02I was just having it valued.
23:04Craig.
23:05Try as I might, I cannot imagine you intended to have everything of mine valued.
23:11Please.
23:13Teddy.
23:15It's like everybody's rich.
23:17Everywhere I look, birds, blokes.
23:20But you don't know what it's like.
23:23I've never had what you had.
23:26You don't know what it does to me, knowing I'll never have it.
23:29Well.
23:34We'll just call it the folly of youth, shall we?
23:41This is the problem with growth and prosperity.
23:46The tempest.
23:48The storm.
23:50The storm.
23:52The storm.
23:54The storm.
23:56The storm.
23:58The temptation.
24:24No secret hand shake today, George.
24:25of Inspector Mooney, West End Central, to you.
24:42No butler, your lordship?
24:46Not even a houseboy?
24:48Very fashionable.
24:50Even Harry Starks has a houseboy or two.
24:55As a matter of fact, it was this lad Craig I was hoping to have a word with.
24:59The lad who lives here.
25:02Your son, is it?
25:05Or have I got that wrong?
25:06Nephew.
25:07Friend?
25:09Don't forget who I am.
25:12Oh, I won't.
25:17And neither will Fleet Street.
25:20What do you want?
25:21Well, there's this new tax I'm collecting, see?
25:24200 pound tax on houseboys.
25:38Cash, if it's all the same to you.
25:45Craig?
25:53I'm completely cleaned out, Harry.
26:00In one fell swoop.
26:03I've never been so humiliated.
26:06What am I going to do?
26:09Thanks, Harry.
26:11I owe you for this.
26:14The body of Sir Winston Churchill.
26:15We'll never see his like again.
26:18To the last great empire man.
26:24I find myself turning to Harry more and more.
26:28To everyone else, I'm just a dreary old sissy.
26:31But I believe I am important to him.
26:34You know, I was one of the few who stood by him in the wilderness years.
26:39Foolish I may be, but always loyal.
26:43Ex Unitate Vire, as we used to say in school.
26:47Finding in unity strength.
27:02Thank you, Terry.
27:09Steady on, old chap.
27:10Get a grip.
27:11What do you mean?
27:13Harry's my friend for the time being.
27:16Then you do what everybody does with his sort.
27:19Milk him before he milks you, then lose him.
27:23Milk him?
27:23I have no intention of milking anybody.
27:28Neither the sudden shock of battle nor the long drawn trials of vigilance and exertion
27:34will wear us down.
27:36Give us the tools and we will finish the job.
27:43Have you given any more thought to this Africa business?
27:47Yes, I have, actually.
27:50I'm due in the House of Lords on Monday to debate about overseas aid.
27:55The newly independent states, Uganda, Zaire, Nigeria.
28:00Well, that's convenient.
28:01Yeah, it's a huge country, Nigeria.
28:04It's rich in resources.
28:06It's also hugely unstable.
28:09It's ripe for modernization.
28:11Just needs a firm hand before it's too late.
28:15You mean you want my firm to take over before the commies do?
28:18Consumerism, Harry.
28:22Somebody's got to feed the monster.
28:25Like Lawrence and the Arabs?
28:29Well, yes, actually.
28:33Very like Lawrence.
28:35Yes.
28:36Yeah.
28:40Yeah.
28:41Just be nice to him.
28:58Spoil him a little bit.
28:59Look after him, do you know what I mean?
29:01Harry.
29:07Harry Starks, John Ogunpi.
29:10John's come from Nigeria to study civil engineering.
29:13Engineering?
29:15Building bridges and that?
29:16Construction.
29:17Absolutely.
29:18That's right, isn't it, John?
29:19Oh, yes.
29:20I have heard about your various businesses, Mr. Starks.
29:24I have also heard you are a great idealist.
29:28Perhaps I can learn something from you.
29:30Oh, I think we can all learn something from Harry.
29:34Would you like a drink, John?
29:36Oh, yes.
29:37Get some champagne over here, Bob.
29:40Come sit down, make yourself comfortable.
29:41Thank you.
29:46I am planning to build a township near Enugu in southern Nigeria.
29:513,000 houses and also a shopping precinct.
29:56Now you're speaking my language.
29:58I am determined to use my English education
30:01to improve the living standards for the people of Nigeria.
30:04The more they know, the more they spend.
30:12Here we go.
30:17I am currently dividing my time between here and Nigeria
30:21in the hope of securing support for the scheme.
30:24Well, you've come to the right place, John.
30:26Harry is a visionary, just like you, John.
30:30To men of vision.
30:31Men of vision.
30:33Cheers.
30:34Men of vision.
30:35Cheers.
30:41Have you met Brenda?
30:42Brenda? No.
30:43Mrs. Jones.
30:44Ah, Brenda.
31:02Excuse me.
31:19Hold his head back, John.
31:35I've invested heavily in him and he's mine.
31:37You understand?
31:41Close the door, Teddy.
31:41Give us a bit of privacy.
31:50Poor Craig.
31:53All my fault, of course.
31:56Up until now, I haven't thought about the real nastiness of what Harry gets up to.
32:01The ugliness behind the charm.
32:04What really lurks behind the seams of his racket
32:08is a one-man cyclone of dysfunction.
32:13In my own decline, I'm left with an abiding sense of failure.
32:20A wasted career.
32:22A rotten marriage.
32:24Constant money worries.
32:27I've utterly failed to resist temptation.
32:30I've given in to beastly lusts.
32:34I feel resigned to slow decline.
32:37Clinging to some vain hope of redemption.
32:42Yet wallowing in the inevitable descent into decadence.
32:50You should know that for an initial investment of £25,000,
32:55you could realise a profit of as much as £200,000, perhaps more.
33:01Yes, very lucrative.
33:04Of course, you'd be required to make extra payments during construction.
33:08Extra payments?
33:10Unforeseen expenses are very common in Nigeria.
33:13No, no, no, this is not good.
33:15Unforeseen?
33:17It's inevitable.
33:19You will get very used to this, yes.
33:21Inevitable?
33:22Unforeseen and inevitable?
33:24This is not good.
33:25They're tax-deductible, Manny.
33:28Harry, don't pay tax.
33:31Well, it's just good business practice, Harry.
33:34I mean, for all of us.
33:35That is it.
33:37Good for all of us.
33:40Any questions, gentlemen?
33:46Yeah, I've got a question.
33:47This new township, what are you going to call it?
33:53Something to do with lions, perhaps.
33:57Simba, to symbolise great strength.
33:59I like lions very much.
34:02Tell you what, call it Starksville.
34:05Have you got yourself a deal?
34:07Starksville it is.
34:10Starksville it is.
34:11I feel a terrible foreboding
34:14as I cling to the last vestiges of my tame, well-ordered life.
34:20Harry is like some darkened, rogue planet,
34:24putting everyone into his magnetic field
34:28and then blasting them off into orbit to do his bidding.
34:33What's this?
34:35Progress.
34:37It's a man I will respect.
34:39He is digging.
34:40Digging what?
34:40Bleeding turnips?
34:44Very funny joke.
34:45I like his English jokes.
34:47Yeah?
34:48Well, where's the houses?
34:50Where's the shopping precinct?
34:51In fact, where's the bleeding jungle?
34:52That could be Whipsnake for all I know.
34:54There have been a few setbacks.
34:57Oh, setbacks.
35:01I'll give you setbacks, you cheeky bastard.
35:03Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, please.
35:06We have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
35:09We have to learn to trust him.
35:10At least, look as though we do.
35:12But I don't trust him.
35:13But that is the nature of business, Harry.
35:16Nobody really trusts anybody.
35:19But there is a social contract.
35:22It's just good manners.
35:25Just when did good manners have anything to do with business?
35:28Legitimate business, Harry.
35:30It's a business.
35:31It's a business.
35:32It's a business.
35:33Legitimate business, Harry, is a different matter.
35:36No, no, no, no, no.
35:37Don't talk to me about business, Teddy.
35:40I know all about business.
35:47In fact, come with me.
35:47I'll show you about business.
35:49Come on.
35:50Now.
35:51Come on.
35:53Come on.
35:56I'll give you business.
36:03Here we are.
36:10Now, have a look at this.
36:27It's called a loan firm.
36:30One of the best scams around.
36:33Do you remember Mr. Pinker?
36:38He died 20 years ago.
36:40But his birth certificate's still valid.
36:43Now, you can get all the documents you need to run a business with a valid birth certificate.
36:48So you register a company.
36:50You rent a warehouse.
36:52Bribe a few influential faces to be non-executive board directors.
36:57Then you start trading.
36:58You buy out all the stock you can lay your hands on.
37:02And you pay your first invoice on the dot.
37:06Then you get the goods on credit.
37:09You lay payment on them until you've got a warehouse full of them.
37:11Bang.
37:12Sell, sell, sell.
37:13Close up, you disappear, and you leave Mr. Pinker to pick up the pieces.
37:18He's got everything.
37:20Debt, expenditure, profit.
37:25That's capitalism.
37:26And that, my old son, is business.
37:37To all the loan firms I ever done, and to all the ones that are yet to come.
37:41Cheers.
37:43Cheers, everyone.
37:44Good work.
37:50Oh, hello.
37:52Come on, Teddy.
37:54I think I've had just a little bit too much.
38:00So do I.
38:19Remember this? Huh?
38:24What?
38:32What's the matter? Can't get it up?
38:34The old prick can't get it up.
38:44In his mouth. Go on.
38:45Harry!
38:54It seems I've misjudged Harry.
38:58I misjudged his hardness.
39:01And my own gentleness.
39:04For which nobody has any use in this thrusting new age.
39:09This is my fate.
39:11And I must bear it with all the courage I can muster.
39:15Yes?
39:17Harry!
39:18Well, um, it's not really convenient at the moment.
39:26Yeah, of course.
39:27Of course, Harry. Right away.
39:39Go through.
39:41Go on.
39:49Go on, you're all right.
39:51Go on.
39:53Teddy.
39:55Come in.
39:59Sit down.
40:03No, not there.
40:06The chair.
40:18Jesus.
40:31Right.
40:36We are going to Africa to sort this shit out for proper.
40:41Oh.
40:42Oh, well, that's fabulous. You'll have a ball.
40:47Oh, uh, when are you planning on leaving?
40:51We, Teddy. I said we.
40:54Oh, well, Harry, my dear chap.
40:57You see, the thing is, what we think is, you have a commitment.
41:03Don't forget you have a contract.
41:05That's right.
41:06That's right. The contract.
41:09Where is the contract? Show Teddy the contract.
41:16Oh.
41:23Naughty Teddy.
41:27I know it's called a consumer society, your lordship,
41:30but I think you've consumed quite enough, don't you?
41:34This whole business was your nutty idea.
41:38I've poured a lot of guilt into this scam.
41:39It's about fucking time it paid off.
41:47Oh.
41:59I still don't understand what I'm expected to do.
42:03I mean, I've nothing to do with foreign affairs.
42:07Look, just be with me, all right?
42:12I don't know what these Africans are up to,
42:14but having a visit in British dignitary by my side can't hurt, can it?
42:17I really have no choice at all in this, do I?
42:20Teddy, pull yourself together.
42:24Come on, it'll be fun.
42:26Oh.
42:43Welcome to my wonderful country, eh?
42:46Mr Starks, how are you?
42:49Well, I could be better, Jones.
42:55Oh.
43:05Please stop waving at them.
43:26Oh.
43:46Welcome, Lord Pesby.
43:47It's a great honor.
43:48Thank you.
43:49Welcome, Lord Pesby.
43:51It's a great honor.
43:52Thank you.
43:53Welcome, Lord Starks.
43:55It's a great honor.
43:57Call me Mr Starks.
43:59You're not a lord?
44:00Well, something like that.
44:02My friends call me Harry.
44:03I'm Dr Chupura, the regional minister.
44:06I'm afraid you'll have to get used to me hanging around.
44:09Minister?
44:11We'll visit the construction site tomorrow, if that is convenient.
44:14Meanwhile, there is a party in your honor.
44:16This way, please.
44:19Fine.
44:19This way.
44:21Party?
44:23We like parties, don't we, Teddy?
44:33You can take Harry out of the stardust,
44:36but you'll never take the stardust out of Harry.
44:39Already, people sense he is different to the usual colonial day trippers.
44:46Can I have a quiet word?
44:47Certainly.
44:48The government is very keen to encourage overseas investment and development here,
44:53but it is important to make sure this expansion is regulated.
44:59We can't have people coming over to make a quick buck.
45:02As a politician, I'm sure you understand we need long-term commitment.
45:06Just as it should be.
45:08Indeed.
45:11John Ogumbe is a very ambitious young man.
45:14He has, as we say here, got a very big eye.
45:18I wouldn't want you to get out of your depth.
45:21You're a long way from home.
45:33Teddy!
45:34Teddy!
45:37Isn't it marvelous, eh?
45:40The third world, I never even knew there was a second one.
45:43And the people are really friendly.
45:46They're really lovely people.
45:50I don't think we're going to do well here.
45:52No, you behave yourself.
46:16So...
46:39See?
46:40I'm not allowed to look at this.
46:46As you can see, progress is slow but very steady.
46:52Steady?
46:54I'll give you steady, you haven't even started yet.
46:56We work for cement.
46:59Cement?
47:01There has been a long hold-up.
47:03I go to Lagos today to sort it out.
47:06You know, there are always delays from time to time,
47:10and I'm not going to be able to do it.
47:12There are always delays from time to time, eh?
47:21Cement? What do you mean, cement?
47:23Well, it's obviously the sort of petty hold-up that we've been warned about.
47:28Yeah, but cement, Teddy, I know all about cement.
47:31I have no doubt you do.
47:35What could be the problem in getting hold of cement?
47:42Hold on, where's he gone?
47:46Fetch some cement, by any chance?
47:52I've got a very bad feeling about all this.
47:59I hope your visit has been a success, Your Lordship.
48:01I hope you are now sufficiently reassured.
48:04Absolutely.
48:06And yes, I'm sure you'll be able to find your way back to Lagos.
48:09Absolutely.
48:11And here's to a safe message home.
48:14Thank you.
48:17Should you find yourself in any difficulties,
48:19you can reach me on this emergency number.
48:21You may find it hard to get through.
48:23I advise you to persist.
48:33Thank you.
48:40What did he want?
48:41Not much.
48:42I hope our visit has been a success.
48:44Wish us bon voyage.
49:00Oh, um, yes.
49:01Could you tell Mr. Harold Starks that I'll be five minutes late for breakfast?
49:06Five minutes late for breakfast.
49:10What do you mean he's checked out?
49:25Hi.
49:35Ah.
49:47Ah.
50:03Morning, Teddy.
50:04I brought you a nice cup of tea.
50:07Harry.
50:09Oh, you inagigable bastard.
50:16Where the hell have you been?
50:19I needed to find out a few things.
50:21Yeah, I don't expect much, Harry, but just a little sensitivity.
50:26That wouldn't be asking too much, would it, Teddy?
50:28Yeah, but no, no, no, not you.
50:30It's all me, me, me with you, isn't it?
50:33Teddy.
50:33All I want to know is when we're going home.
50:36We're not going home.
50:37Not just yet.
50:38I advise against that.
50:40Get away from me.
50:41Get your hands off me.
50:49What the hell did you do that for?
50:51We don't have time for this, Teddy.
50:53Yeah, I might have expected this.
50:54When all else fails, result to brute intimidation.
50:59Will you stop doing that?
51:01I haven't even started yet.
51:04I'll warn you, Harry.
51:06I will not be intimidated.
51:14Please don't hit me anymore.
51:15I can't take it.
51:17I just want to go home.
51:19All right, all right, shh, shh, shh.
51:22Listen, listen.
51:27We've been had over.
51:30If that bastard thinks he can get away with it,
51:32he's got another thing coming.
51:34Harry, I really think that you should walk away from this one.
51:39Walk away?
51:40Yes.
51:42Oh, you silly old queen.
51:43You really think I can walk away from all that money?
51:46What you going to do?
51:48We, Teddy, it's we.
51:53I won't tell you again.
52:03Oh.
52:15There's our cement, Teddy.
52:16Where?
52:18Out there, the ship.
52:20Well, how can you tell?
52:21I can tell.
52:23What's he doing out there?
52:25Surely he should come into port to be unloaded.
52:27That's what you'd think, but that ain't the way Mr. Lagumbi works.
52:32He keeps it out there?
52:34On the water, on purpose?
52:36Oh, yeah.
52:38Oh, God.
52:39Oh, well, now I'm completely lost.
52:41Look, it's simple.
52:43Lagumbi's fixed it, so there's a problem with the import license.
52:47The cement arrives, waits offshore, can't dock.
52:50Yeah.
52:51So you and me have to pay the shipping company
52:54compensation for every day that ship is out there.
52:59If it stays there long enough,
53:00we end up paying them more than if they delivered us cement.
53:03Then they sail off, they sell it somewhere else,
53:05they split the money with Lagumbi.
53:07You've got to admit, it's a brilliant racket.
53:09Yeah, he's a bloody con man.
53:11And it takes one to know one.
53:13Well, we should tell the consulate.
53:14It's too late.
53:15He's already got our money.
53:18Now, we're going to do this my way.
53:23What?
53:25I found a little bastard.
53:33Now, Harry, look, you know I can't buy violence.
53:52I'm just no good at that sort of thing.
53:55Good job I'm an expert in.
53:59I'm not hitting anyone, if that's what you're thinking.
54:01Just want you to reassure him, talk to him,
54:05make him see the error of his ways.
54:09And I'll let him.
54:15No, no, no, no, no.
54:16This fucking fart.
54:20Teddy, get a chair.
54:21What?
54:22A chair.
54:26Right.
54:27Now, I ain't going to enjoy this any more than you, my old son.
54:31The needs must, as they say.
54:35I want the truth, the whole truth.
54:40By the time I finish with you, by God, I'm going to have it.
54:44You think I'm made of money, do you?
54:47You think I've got money to burn?
54:49This is not your country.
54:56It is now.
54:59Please, there's be.
55:01It could have been really good.
55:03I wanted it to be really good.
55:06Special, not dodgy like everything else.
55:09I had big plans.
55:12But you had your own big plans, didn't you?
55:14And that really pisses me off, John, it does.
55:19You really hurt me.
55:24So now, I'm going to really hurt you.
55:29Make him stop.
55:32John, John, John, now be reasonable.
55:34Harry is very upset, and understandably so.
55:38You have a great deal of his money.
55:41Now, it's only fair to expect him to want it back.
55:54What's so funny?
55:56Don't you laugh at me.
55:57You think all Africans are innocent natives?
56:02You thought you could make money out of stupid bikaninis?
56:06You wanted quick profit from crooked money.
56:10But we've learned well from our colonial masters,
56:13the imperial gangsters.
56:21Right, that's enough fannying about.
56:23Give me my fucking money, or I'll blow your fucking head off.
56:28Drop your weapon and hold still.
56:30Drop your weapon now.
56:32Who the fuck are you?
56:33Now!
56:35Behold our glorious armed forces, gentlemen.
56:39I should warn you, they are notoriously trigger happy.
56:44Now!
57:00Thank you for leading us to Mr. Ugumbe.
57:04That was quite a disappearing act.
57:06Look, what is going on here?
57:17You have a big eye and a long throat, Ugumbe.
57:23See that it doesn't get the better of you again.
57:25Get the better of you again.
57:28Minister, doctor, please.
57:36Now, fuck off back to your tired little island before I get angry.
57:56There you are.
57:58Stop.
57:59Get back.
58:03In the end, I can't help feeling sorry for Harry.
58:07He wanted so badly to eat at the big table.
58:11Have a large brandy, Spock.
58:13But the classless society is as much a cheap con as one of Harry's long firms.
58:19It's an illusion.
58:21I can be part of Harry's world anytime I like.
58:24You'll never be part of mine.
58:28But somehow I think you'll never stop trying.
58:54Down my
58:58I can see you
59:02With another
59:06The one who has taken my place
59:14And it hurts me
59:16Oh, it hurts me
59:21But you'll never, never, you'll never, never, never