Spy - 102 (2011) [couchtripper][U]
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00:00Right, well, if everyone's ready then. My name is Paula, and I'm here to help you all
00:08get along a little better. Good luck with that.
00:10Oh, isn't he a treasure? Now, Marcus, we're going to meet here every
00:14few weeks, and when it's time for me to report back to the court, if your naughty daddy has
00:19failed to show that he can look after you properly, then you will go straight back to
00:22live with your mummy. Is that all clear?
00:24Translucent. Right. How have things been?
00:26Great. Appalling.
00:27General agreement? No agreement.
00:29So what problems have there been living together? May I?
00:31Yes, of course. Thank you all for coming here today. This
00:36is obviously a very difficult situation, and I know you all want what's best for the child.
00:40Nicely articulated, Marcus. A little bit pretentious.
00:42How can I describe Tim's planting skills? Exemplary.
00:45Feeble. Tim is a dreadful father.
00:48Oh, that's not true. It is.
00:50He is always late. I object.
00:52This isn't a courtroom, Tim. His cooking is abysmal.
00:54What? Updated classics? Gary Rhodes? The house is a death trap.
00:59Give me one example. Okay, so there might be a little tiny bit
01:03of snagging. And he has unsuitable friends.
01:05Right, well, that's absolutely not true, because I don't have any friends. So, bad luck.
01:10Objection. Sustained.
01:13I withdraw. In summary, I humbly request that social services allow me to live with my mother
01:18and Philip. Really don't want to talk about Philip.
01:22No offence, Philip. Don't worry about me, bro.
01:25That was a very impressive presentation. It certainly was.
01:29I'm sorry? Sorry what?
01:31You said you want me. I don't think so.
01:34You disgust me, Tim. Sly goat.
01:36Tim and I would never enter into a relationship. No.
01:39God, no. A forbidden romance? Absolutely not.
01:42Like an English patient? Never. Never? Very unlikely.
01:45Never. Watch this space. Ignore the space.
01:47We will see. But for now, to help everyone achieve their goals,
01:50I have prepared this special chart.
01:52Every time Daddy does something good, you give him a gold star.
01:56Every time he does something bad, you give him a black star.
01:58That is genius. Not exactly scientific.
02:01It's for children, Tim. Still, it's pretty meaningless.
02:06Do you see how this works? I do.
02:08Unfairly. And Tim? Yes, Paula?
02:10Do you know what I tell fathers? Try and be a hero to your son.
02:13Is that simple? That's not simple.
02:16Negative attitude. OK. Good.
02:26MUSIC
02:30MUSIC
02:54Scan in progress.
02:56Identified. Louise Webster.
02:58No, no, it's Tim Elliot. Have a good day, Louise.
03:07OK, come on. Yeah, yeah, sit anywhere.
03:09So, first day.
03:12Nervous? No, sir. Of course you are.
03:15Listen up, people. I am the Examiner.
03:18It's a good title, isn't it? Powerful.
03:21Over the next few months, you will be undergoing extensive training
03:24in all the key operational areas,
03:27but I will repeat, if anyone discovers you work for MI5,
03:30you're out of here. Is that clear? Yes, sir.
03:33I definitely haven't told anyone.
03:35Now, what is the first rule of weaponry? Safety.
03:37Restraint. Have fun. Really? You bet.
03:40I'll be going with safety.
03:42Have you seen this stuff? This is seriously cool.
03:45Two-way earpieces, recordable pen, smoke grenades.
03:48Check out the taser.
03:5150,000 volts. Thank you very much.
03:55Don't you just want to sink that charge into someone?
03:58Only if the use of force is reasonable. But who's to say if it is reasonable?
04:01The courts. Or is it Austin? No, it's the courts.
04:04It's a grey area. Not really. But as long as we had fun, eh? Am I right or am I right?
04:07Legally, you're not right. Absolutely spot on, sir.
04:10Good lad. OK, pair up, grab some gear,
04:13target acquisition exercise in 30 minutes.
04:16Oh, brilliant.
04:19Have you located the target?
04:22I am the examiner.
04:25Oh, stop messing about, Alpha 1.
04:28Sorry.
04:32I found it!
04:35Yes, OK, I heard you, Alpha 1.
04:38Just get the bag and bring it back to the RV.
04:42My bag!
04:45My bag, thank you.
04:48No, no, it isn't. It's evening bag.
04:51Just ignore him and let's go.
04:54OK, if it's your bag, what's in it?
04:57Dog? A dog.
05:00Negroid? Do you need backup?
05:03No, no, negative, negative, I'm on my way, over.
05:06Immigration? No, not with immigration.
05:10You spy on me, negative. OK, bye-bye.
05:13Yes, give me that bag.
05:16Alpha 1, come in, Alpha 1.
05:19Oh, that's disgusting.
05:27Sorry. Are you OK?
05:30Oh, thank God.
05:38Come in, Alpha 1.
05:41Tim?
06:00Tim?
06:23It really is an incredible story, Tim.
06:26Stop it. Are you kidding? My viewers are going to love this.
06:30A single father rescues terrorised homeless man.
06:33Wow, when you put it like that.
06:36And to think that only yesterday you were just a pointless civil service computer dweeb.
06:39Yeah, I wouldn't quite say...
06:42And now you're this huge local hero.
06:45This is ludicrous.
06:48Your son must tell you all the time how proud he is of you.
06:51Oh, he does. With his eyes.
06:54I assume this earned you a gold star?
06:58Do you want to give your dad a gold star for his bravery?
07:01Sadly, we're all out of gold ones.
07:04Want some more?
07:07How about that, Marcus?
07:10Well played, Tim.
07:13And what about you, Jarek? Can you still not remember anything about the attack?
07:16Nothing. One minute, it's OK.
07:19Next minute, it's blackness.
07:22Pity.
07:25I think your viewers would have forgotten by then.
07:28So, where will Jarek go now?
07:31I don't know, it's very sad.
07:34No, I don't think that's ideal.
07:37Not ready your call?
07:40Perfect. Yes.
07:43Can Jarek please stay with us, Daddy? Please?
07:46This is turning into a terrific story.
07:49You know what? I'm going to fast-track you onto my show tomorrow.
07:53Don't mention it, Tim.
07:56Urgent toilet. Again?
07:59We're joined now in the studio by single father Tim Elliot,
08:02who really does have an extraordinary tale to tell.
08:05Tim, welcome. Great to see you today.
08:08Thanks ever so much for coming. Lovely.
08:11Mother Teresa meets Steven Seagal.
08:14OK. You look a little fat.
08:17I was going to say effeminate, but who cares?
08:21You're a worldwide hero. This is going to net you some serious action, dude.
08:24Really? Are you kidding?
08:27For some women, being heroic is even more important than money.
08:30You are a deeply cynical man. I'll see you later.
08:33Word.
08:36I know him.
08:39The breathing, the man, yes, a homeless, dirty man.
08:42A homeless, dirty man? Yes.
08:45Are we crazy?
08:48One of us might be.
08:51This can't go on, Tim. OK.
08:54And yet it must. Really?
08:57You can't put a name on this. Sexual harassment?
09:00Do you want me to lose my job? Increasingly, yes.
09:03You must be strong for both of us. Tell me what to do.
09:06Leave me alone. I'll do anything you say.
09:09Leave me alone. Just say the word. Leave me alone.
09:13I know.
09:26So, were you scared? No, sweetheart, I don't do scared.
09:29Listen, this isn't just my job, you know, this is... Excuse me.
09:32..who I am. Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me.
09:35Oh, sorry, love, are you all right?
09:38Oi, Blue Thunder, the examiner wants you.
09:41Ladies, duty calls.
09:51Ah, Tim, come in. Sit down.
09:54Thank you. Whiskey? It's 10am, sir.
09:57Gin? I think I'm fine. You know, when I first started here, Tim,
10:00drinking was only allowed after hours, but I changed that.
10:03You want to know why? You have a massive drinking problem?
10:06Because I am a maverick, Tim. I do what needs to be done.
10:10Man of action. I think you are too.
10:13Thanks.
10:16I like you, Tim. Thank you. Almost too much.
10:19Bit weird. You showed tremendous courage yesterday.
10:22Yeah, in a way.
10:25So, then, action man, when are you going to kill the hobo?
10:28I'm sorry? The Bulgarian. When are you going to punch his card?
10:31Not sure I understand. Obviously, we're going to have
10:34this Yarek creature discovering that you're MI5.
10:38I'm sorry, I'm not going to terminate him.
10:41I get you. What?
10:44I get it.
10:47Why are you winking? Am I? Yeah.
10:50Well, you know, winking is hard to prove in one of your
10:53law courts, Tim. Could be just a
10:56twitch. Is it?
10:59Who knows?
11:02Alrighty. Okay.
11:05Give it a nod when you need the cleaners. Oh, I won't need the cleaners.
11:08Oh, you're going to need the cleaners. Not going to need the cleaners.
11:11Hey, I hear you, Tim. Pretty sure you don't.
11:14You and I are the same, Tim. No, we're not.
11:17Yeah, ruthless. Ruthless man.
11:20Get in there.
11:35You're looking guilty. I'm not.
11:38No breakfast, Yarek, a black star... No, no, no, no, no, no.
11:41Not so fast.
11:48There we are. Two organic, free-range
11:51Colombian blacktail eggs, poached for four minutes and 17 seconds.
11:54Homemade soy and flaxseed bread and unsalted
11:57Venezuelan goat's butter. I'm not hungry.
12:00Good to know that now. Thank you. Okay. Knock yourself out.
12:05No, no, no, no, no, no.
12:08Egg no good. Oh, dear.
12:11What? Again.
12:14Well, you just want me to redo it. No, I'm only a homeless guy.
12:17You treat like rubbish. No, no, no, it's fine.
12:20I'll just redo it.
12:26You fix wire. It's very dangerous.
12:29Maybe you can have a little look at that while I'm at work.
12:33Also, Yarek only useful as house slave.
12:36He's the European guy, so you treat like animal.
12:39Why not you put saddle on back and ride down kitchen like you raise a moose?
12:42I quite agree.
12:48Whoa, hey, why two stars?
12:51One for each egg.
12:54Go to work.
12:57Toilet blocked again? Of course it is.
13:01Two stars.
13:04Been like this all week. He's a nightmare.
13:07So throw him out. I can't. Why not?
13:10Because I'll get more black stars.
13:13Then Paula will write up a bad report.
13:16Then I'll lose custody of Marcus.
13:19Yes, I am your God and you worship me. Say it.
13:22No.
13:25Will you talk to him? He just ignores me.
13:28Because that's what friends do for each other?
13:33No, I don't understand. Just talk to him, please.
13:36I don't care where he goes. I just want him out.
13:39OK, on one condition. Yes, fine. You are my God and I worship you.
13:42That is such a nice thing to say.
13:45But I was actually going to ask you to help me move that display.
13:48Are you supposed to open up by now?
13:51Yeah. Look at him.
13:54Imbeciles.
13:58Go on, get!
14:17Sir, could you make any more noise?
14:20If you wanted to get someone out of your house, how would you go about doing that?
14:23Probably ask him to marry me.
14:27I think Eric would probably accept.
14:30Ah, yes, your Bulgarian bromance.
14:33You live alone, don't you? Why?
14:36Maybe Eric could come and stay with you.
14:39I've just got so much work to catch up on and I don't get any peace at home.
14:42Don't worry, I'm sure he'll leave soon.
14:45I've asked my friend Chris to talk to him.
14:48Well, there you go then. Yeah, you haven't met Chris.
14:51Tell you what, if Chris has no success, I suppose I could always help you study.
14:54I thought that's what you meant?
14:57No. Yes, that is what I meant. You come to mine.
15:00Easy. I mean, it's just a study session. It's not like it's a date.
15:03Oh. How about Saturday night?
15:06Saturday?
15:09That's when Marcus stays with his mother. Right.
15:12I feel less anxious already.
15:15Me too.
15:18First may I say that my client has enjoyed your company.
15:22It feels the current situation cannot continue.
15:25Why not?
15:28Let's just say irreconcilable differences.
15:31However, in recognition of your contribution,
15:34we are prepared to offer you a very generous severance package.
15:47That's not going to fly, Chris.
15:50Fine. Well, we'll just have to see what the media make of it
15:53when we disclose the real circumstances of Yarek's accident.
15:56You mean?
15:59That's right, Chris. We've known all along that Tim fell on Yarek.
16:02You wouldn't dare.
16:05Try me.
16:13Fine.
16:16£1,000 and a one-way flight to Bulgaria on Ryanair.
16:20£1,500. EasyJet. Bulkhead seats.
16:23Regular seats, but priority boarding. Lunch. A sandwich. On board.
16:26You're dreaming!
16:29Boots, meal deal, and I don't introduce our friend to UK immigration.
16:40My client also wants 13 litres of industrial-strength toilet cleaner.
16:43Industrial!
16:46Done. As long as your client's out of the house within the hour.
16:50Agreed. Thank you.
16:53Thank you. Thank you very much.
16:56Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, Hannah Montana is on.
17:09How's our little problem?
17:12It's being handled, sir.
17:15Just let me know when you need the cleaners.
17:18Can we please not get into this again?
17:24I like everything about you, Tim.
17:27Oh!
17:38Yarek, your taxi will be here in ten minutes.
17:41OK, OK.
17:48Yarek?
17:51Yarek?
17:54Oh, dear.
17:57Still nothing?
18:00Oh, I don't know what he's doing.
18:03Probably going to call me straight after.
18:06So I was thinking for Saturday, I might as well make a bit of dinner.
18:09Nothing flash, just a little nibble.
18:12So I was wondering, is there anything you don't...
18:16...like?
18:19I really wish people would stop doing that.
18:22I'm sorry.
18:25You know you're not supposed to come to my work. How'd it go?
18:28There's good news and bad news.
18:31What's the bad news?
18:34Yarek's dead.
18:37Any chance the good news offsets the bad news?
18:40Not really.
18:44He electrocuted himself on your dodgy light switches.
18:47Oh, God. Does Marcus know?
18:50Not yet. I hid the body in his yoga mat.
18:53Ew.
18:56What are we going to do?
19:04All right, leave it to me.
19:07I think I know someone who can help.
19:10My fingerprints are everywhere.
19:17Don't you worry about a thing, Tim. My boys will take it from here.
19:20Really? Not what you think.
19:23I know, of course. An accident. Boo-hoo.
19:26Dammit, Tim. You complete mean.
19:29Everybody, that guy? Ruthless. Learn from him.
19:34Permission to call an ambulance, sir?
19:38That was a good result, then?
19:41It's really not what it looks like. I only asked him to go round...
19:44Actually, I'd rather not know the details, if that's OK? OK.
19:47They won't have to bother you at the weekend, so, you know, you're off the hook.
19:51Hooray.
19:57I guaranteed my viewers a follow-up and now I'm going to look like a complete tit.
20:00Yeah, I just came home and he was gone.
20:03Damn, damn, damn! Sorry.
20:07OK. I'll just have to make something up.
20:10Right, when you say make up...
20:13I don't know, the usual veiled character attack on you,
20:16unsubtle innuendo suggesting a foul play and perversions.
20:19I'll figure something out, don't worry about me. OK, good.
20:22Unless, of course, Tim comes on your show and confesses to...
20:25I don't know, having Yarek deported?
20:28Absolutely not. That's a brilliant idea.
20:31Hero disgraced on national television.
20:34There's no way I'm doing that.
20:37But you see, if you don't, then I'll have to dig into every part of your life,
20:40your family, your girlfriends, your work... My work?
20:43Everything. This is ridiculous.
20:46And remember, Tim, we're going to need plenty of tears.
20:49Forget it. Oceans of tears.
20:55You're a despicable person, aren't you? Yes.
20:58You're a spiteful, heartless, perverted monster.
21:02Yes. Say it.
21:05I am a spiteful, heartless... Perverted.
21:08Yes, thank you. Perverted monster.
21:11You're basically a total sh...
21:14I think we've seen enough. It made it seem worse than it was.
21:17This makes it hard for us to be together. Us.
21:20There is no us, Tim. Let it go. But you just said...
21:23But you just said this...
21:26OK, fine.
21:30Hey! In anticipation.
21:33It's been a tough couple of weeks, Tim. Currently there's no contest between you and Philip.
21:36Really don't want to talk about Philip. No offence, Philip.
21:39None taken, bubba. But who's for giving Tim another chance?
21:42No. No. Absolutely.
21:45So, let's see if we can't turn things around and start over.
21:48Oh, terrific.
21:51Oh, negative attitude. OK, good.
22:00OK.
22:03OK.
22:06OK.
22:09OK.
22:12OK.
22:15OK.
22:18OK.
22:21OK.
22:24OK.
22:27OK.
22:30OK.
22:33OK.
22:36OK.
22:39OK.
22:42OK.
22:45OK.
22:48OK.
22:51OK.