Mad About You
Season 7
Episode 21
The Final Frontier
Part 1
Season 7
Episode 21
The Final Frontier
Part 1
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who can start my heart as much as you
00:22Tell me all your secrets, I'll tell you most of mine
00:25They say nobody's perfect, well that's really true this time
00:30I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan
00:34All I have is you, so baby help me understand
00:38When we do, you can whisper in my ear
00:42Where we go, who knows what happens after here
00:46Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier
00:53Final frontier
00:58Final frontier
01:00Final frontier
01:19I blame my parents.
01:21I've been engaged four times to three different men, and if you're doing the math, that's a lot of angry people.
01:29First, there was this guy.
01:31Then there was this guy.
01:33And then there was this guy.
01:36And you remember this gentleman from the first photo.
01:39Leave a guy at the altar once, and it stings.
01:42The second time, apparently highly destructive.
01:45How you like me so far?
01:49Let's begin, shall we, with a story that has become almost folklore in my family.
01:54It was 1999, so I'm one.
01:58And it's my parents' anniversary.
02:00What do you want to do?
02:01I'm totally open. A concert or a theater or maybe a fancy dinner.
02:05What says anniversary?
02:09Certainly not that.
02:11Honey, look up for me, won't you?
02:13Is there a hawk or an ostrich of some sort?
02:18Oh, paint, I'm so happy.
02:20Hey, we know you.
02:21Hey.
02:22Hey!
02:23Paul and Jamie, right?
02:24Yeah, Larry, right?
02:25Lenny.
02:26Lenny, right.
02:27This is so wild.
02:28You know it's our anniversary today.
02:29No, it is not.
02:30Yes, it is.
02:31Seven years ago today.
02:32That is deeply ironic.
02:34Mabel, come here.
02:35Look what we did.
02:36Look, Mabel.
02:38This nice man married your daddy and me.
02:41Hello, small pretty person.
02:42Lenny, I tell you, your wedding was so special to us.
02:45Just this secret little ceremony.
02:47It really was.
02:48You're probably confused, but Lenny is also an ordained minister.
02:51Now, Mabel, you know better than to believe that, don't you?
02:53What do you mean?
02:54You guys know I'm not really a minister, right?
02:56No.
02:57Well, okay.
02:59I'm not.
03:01How can that be?
03:03You said you were.
03:05Yeah?
03:06Do you happen to recall where we had that discussion, Paul?
03:08Yes, I do.
03:09We were at my bachelor party.
03:10Uh-huh.
03:11So?
03:12We were at a strip club, man.
03:14Drinking, carousing.
03:16When I told that cute girl I was Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan,
03:19did you believe that, too?
03:21No.
03:22But...
03:23But later, when we came to you...
03:25It seems so important to you.
03:26I didn't have the heart to let you down.
03:28Yes, but...
03:29And I knew you had the official ceremony coming up anyway.
03:31Yes, but...
03:33Okay, at the official ceremony,
03:35we thought we were already married by you.
03:37We didn't even fill out the paperwork for that one.
03:39Didn't even fill out...
03:40You know what we wrote on the certificate?
03:41Lois Lane marries Humpty Dumpty.
03:44Funny.
03:45Funny? Not the point, really.
03:46We're...
03:47We're not married now.
03:49Sorry.
03:50But you've invalidated our entire marriage now.
03:53Sorry.
03:54You've made our daughter illegitimate now.
03:58Sorry.
04:01So.
04:02I'm the bastard child of idiot parents.
04:06My therapist tells me...
04:08Yes, I'm in therapy.
04:10That in my parents' defense,
04:12they sought help.
04:14A lot of help.
04:18Paul and Jamie?
04:21I don't know if you've been keeping track,
04:23but this is your 1,000th therapy session.
04:26Is that true?
04:27Yes, it is.
04:29Dear God.
04:30Wow.
04:311,000?
04:32Wow, so that's...
04:33That's like, uh...
04:35Ten glorious years.
04:37No, no, I know, but that...
04:39$116,000.
04:43Dear God.
04:44Mm-hmm.
04:45But I digress.
04:47How can we not be married?
04:49Yuck.
04:51Our entire marriage is a lie.
04:53It's not a lie.
04:55Yes, it is.
04:56For the last seven years,
04:57we have not been what we thought we were.
04:59Our whole universe is based on a false foundation.
05:02Doesn't that bother you?
05:03Oh, man.
05:04What?
05:05I asked for onions.
05:06They gave me sprouts.
05:08When I tell someone my husband will be back at 6,
05:10it's a lie.
05:11I'll be back at 6.
05:12Yes, but you're not my husband.
05:15All right, good.
05:16So stop yelling at me then.
05:20We'll take it.
05:22I'm sorry?
05:23Your apartment.
05:24It's listed for rent.
05:25It's what?
05:26This is our apartment, but it's a mistake.
05:28Oh.
05:29So you're not leaving?
05:30No.
05:31You're staying?
05:32Uh-huh.
05:33Yes.
05:34Good, then.
05:35Yes, well, what a relief.
05:37Right, then.
05:39Come, Hal.
05:40Yes.
05:42See you in the halls.
05:46Nice, huh?
05:47Honey.
05:48All right, here's what we'll do.
05:49Here's what we'll do.
05:50We'll go down to City Hall.
05:51We'll get married.
05:52We'll sign our regular thing.
05:53And then, bing, bang, boom, problem solved.
05:55When?
05:56When what?
05:57When are we getting married?
05:58Whenever you want.
05:59Thursday afternoon, Friday in the morning, I'm good.
06:02No, it has to be today.
06:03Why?
06:04Because today's our anniversary.
06:05I want to keep the same anniversary.
06:08All right, so let's go.
06:09Ask me.
06:16All right.
06:18Can we go?
06:22Ask me to marry you.
06:23Oh.
06:25Will you marry me?
06:28These are the people that prepared me to go out into the world.
06:33You see, Mabel, sweetheart,
06:37boys and girls are different.
06:40Girls have...
06:43Um...
06:45Boys have...
06:48Uh, boys and girls, um...
06:52Honey?
06:53See, Mabel,
06:55when a man loves a woman,
06:59he can't keep his mind on nothing else.
07:03He'd trade the world for the good thing he's found.
07:07If she's bad, he can't see it.
07:12She can do no wrong.
07:13Honey?
07:15Let us get back to you.
07:18My parents actually did a great deal of family planning.
07:22So let me get this straight.
07:23They cut his pee-pee?
07:25No, not the pee-pee.
07:26Inside the pee-pee.
07:27Way inside.
07:28Oh, good.
07:29It's not that bad.
07:30The doctor said that within 36 hours of the vasectomy,
07:33he'll have total sensation in his groin again.
07:35Is that something?
07:36Poor Paul's pee-pee.
07:38It's way inside.
07:40Oh, good.
07:41Look, we gave this a lot of thought,
07:43and I decided that one kid is enough.
07:45More than enough.
07:46Thank you.
07:47I mean, where is it written that every child must have a sibling?
07:51Well, where would you be?
07:52What?
07:53I mean, if Mom and Dad stopped with me, there wouldn't be you.
07:56And I wouldn't have had a little sister to play with and dress up
07:58and magic marker the walls with.
08:00And no matter what happens, always be my friend and love me.
08:06You know, the procedure is reversible.
08:08Reversible?
08:25What's the matter?
08:26I think we made a mistake.
08:31Where?
08:35My mother the handful.
08:38Are you sure we need to go halfway to the end of Long Island to do this?
08:40The smaller the town, the shorter the line.
08:42Next, please.
08:43See?
08:44Hi.
08:45Hello, hi, how are you?
08:46Just fine, thank you.
08:47Uh, we'd like to get married.
08:49Oh, wonderful.
08:50Come to the right spot.
08:51Yes, sir.
08:52Hello, hi, how are you?
08:53Hello.
08:54Is this the lucky lady?
08:55This is her.
08:56Oh, wonderful, isn't it?
08:57Okay, well, looks like you're all set here, so...
09:02Uh-oh.
09:03We have the same last name.
09:05Uh, yes, but they're pronounced differently.
09:07Oh.
09:08Buckman and Buckman.
09:09Yeah, so it's subtle, but...
09:11It's there.
09:12It's there.
09:13It is, isn't it?
09:14Yes.
09:15Isn't that wonderful?
09:16Uh-huh.
09:17What I'm going to need from you now is $10, American.
09:18You got it.
09:19Seems like a reasonable thing.
09:20Oh, you know what?
09:21I don't even know if I have cash on me.
09:23Oops, sorry.
09:24Uh, what would you say, uh, was it $10?
09:27I have $7.52.
09:29How do you leave the house?
09:31You were supposed to go to the bank for me.
09:33No, I wasn't.
09:34Yes, you did.
09:35No, never.
09:36Now, this marriage thing is going to be a piece of cake for you two, isn't it?
09:39Okay, well, I'll tell you what.
09:42Now, why don't you just take this, and you're going to go right into the chapel here.
09:46Okay.
09:47And the justice of the peace is going to take you the rest of the way.
09:49Thank you so much.
09:50Thank you.
09:51God bless you.
09:52He's a nice guy, huh?
09:53I miss him.
09:56Hello, how are you?
09:57Just fine, thank you.
09:59Well, this is Phyllis.
10:01Hello.
10:02Hello.
10:03She throws the rice.
10:04Oh.
10:05$0.25 one throw, $0.40 two.
10:09Okay, well, why don't we get right on it?
10:11All right.
10:12Now, here's what.
10:13Oh, don't you want to walk down the aisle?
10:18Okay.
10:19Yep, just go right back.
10:20There you go, right there.
10:21That's good, okay.
10:22And you, sir, right over here.
10:23Right here?
10:24That's fine.
10:25Got it.
10:26Hey, heads up.
10:27Oh, there you go.
10:28Now, with the music, come forward.
10:30Okay.
10:36Okay.
10:45Dearly beloved,
10:48we're gathered here today to marry this man and this woman.
10:52Is there anybody present who might object to this union?
10:58Phil?
10:59I'm good.
11:00Good.
11:02Do you, Paul...
11:04Buckman?
11:05Uh-huh.
11:06Buckman.
11:07Oh, you're the Buckman.
11:08Paul Buckman,
11:09take Jamie Walkman
11:14to be your lawful wedded wife,
11:16to have and to hold,
11:17through sickness and in health,
11:20till death do you part.
11:22Yes, I absolutely do.
11:23Wonderful.
11:24Do you, Jamie Walkman,
11:28take Paul Buckman
11:29to be your lawful wedded husband,
11:31to have and to hold,
11:32to love and to cherish,
11:33through sickness and in health,
11:35till death do you part.
11:41A little louder.
11:45We're going to need you to speak up a little, sweetie.
11:47I don't want to fool around now.
11:49I don't want to get married.
11:53A little early on the rice there, fellas.
11:56And so apparently,
11:58the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
12:05You wanted to get married.
12:06I know, but then I was standing at the altar,
12:09and it hit me.
12:10What we have is pretty good, right?
12:12I don't want to screw it up.
12:13Exactly.
12:14So all I'm saying is,
12:15let's make everything
12:16the way we always thought it was anyway.
12:18Yes, but the way it was,
12:19was we were not married.
12:21Of course we were married.
12:23It just wasn't labeled right.
12:25It's like if you order chocolate,
12:27and then it comes,
12:28and you eat it,
12:29and you love it,
12:30but then afterwards,
12:31the waiter says,
12:32oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.
12:33That wasn't chocolate.
12:34That was root beer.
12:36Do you come back the next time
12:37and ask for root beer?
12:38Yes.
12:39Well, it's the opposite with this.
12:43Hi, I'm Ursula.
12:44I will not be your waitress today.
12:46What?
12:47Yeah, my name is Ursula.
12:49Yes, we know that.
12:50Good with that.
12:51Okay, and I will not be your waitress today.
12:55Yeah, usually I am,
12:57but today I'm not.
12:58That's why I wanted to come over,
12:59to say that I'm not your waitress today,
13:01and that my name is Ursula,
13:03so that you wouldn't be confused.
13:05Okay.
13:06Thank you.
13:07Great.
13:08Can I take your order?
13:10I thought you're not our waitress.
13:11Okay.
13:12Do you know what you want?
13:15Mail?
13:16Oh, guess what else?
13:17I'm running for Employee of the Month,
13:19so make sure that you vote for me, all right?
13:21Is this an election type of thing,
13:23the Employee of the Month?
13:24No, no, the boss just picks who he likes.
13:28Want to hear my slogan?
13:29Yes, please.
13:30Sure.
13:31Okay.
13:32Ursula, Ursula, she's our man.
13:33If she's not Employee of the Month,
13:34nobody can.
13:38I have to go to the bathroom.
13:42Have you ever heard the expression,
13:43intelligence is the ability to change one's mind?
13:47No, you have not,
13:48and you have not heard that
13:49because it's not actually an expression.
13:51It's just something my mother used to say,
13:53but she would say that it was, in fact, an expression.
13:58But it's not.
14:05Paul is being really great about this.
14:07I'll say.
14:08I mean, I probably pushed him
14:09into the vasectomy to begin with.
14:11Yeah, probably.
14:12I think on some level,
14:13he was relieved when I suggested
14:14we have it reversed.
14:15What did they do?
14:16They just glue it back on?
14:19Way inside.
14:21And now maybe we'll have a little brother or sister,
14:23and she'll help them out in the schoolyard,
14:24and she'll give them her hand-me-downs.
14:26This is gonna be good.
14:27Well, I guess, for her.
14:29What?
14:30Well, what about for you?
14:32Goodbye freedom,
14:33goodbye hips,
14:34and goodbye career.
14:35You know, I actually read
14:36that 87% of all mothers
14:37with two or more kids
14:38never return back to the workplace.
14:40They just end up feeling broken
14:42and hollow and sad.
14:44Hi, sweetie.
14:46Good kid.
14:59What did you say to her?
15:01Stop bringing her to my vasectomies!
15:08Fortunately, some of us
15:09gave much less thought
15:10to having children.
15:11Okay, Nat,
15:12now you can bring out
15:13the first guest.
15:14Okay, thank you, Mabel.
15:16Um...
15:17Well, welcome back to the show,
15:18ladies and gentlemen.
15:20My Pancho...
15:21Pancho, you're not on yet.
15:22Jigs, please.
15:24Um, my first guest tonight
15:25is Border Collie, Collie Mix.
15:27He's the strapping little son of Murray
15:30and his charming bride, Clara Bell.
15:32He's five and a half weeks old,
15:34recently weaned.
15:35He enjoys sleeping,
15:36chasing his tail around,
15:37and being colorblind.
15:39Would you please give a warm welcome
15:41to Crackers.
15:43Come on, Crackers.
15:44Come on, Crackers.
15:45There he is.
15:46Hello, Mr. Crackers.
15:47Not yet, Pancho, I told you.
15:49You're not on yet.
15:50Crackers!
15:52Okay, next guest.
15:54Very quick for Crackers,
15:55but okay.
15:56Uh, there he goes.
15:57My next guest,
15:58ladies and gentlemen.
15:59Uh, interestingly enough,
16:00also a Border Collie, Collie Mix,
16:02also five and a half weeks old.
16:04Uh, let's see, uh...
16:06Oh, interesting.
16:07He's a breech birth.
16:08Uh, he enjoys, uh, eating garbage
16:11and then regurgitating
16:12same-sex garbage.
16:14Strange but true.
16:15Ladies and gentlemen,
16:16please welcome, please,
16:18Rusty.
16:22We're looking for Rusty.
16:27Come on, Rusty.
16:28Rusty.
16:29There he is.
16:30There's the Rust.
16:31My...
16:35Wow.
16:37Well, we were...
16:38We were saving that
16:39for our special anniversary show.
16:43Hey, Pauly.
16:44Hey, Marvin.
16:45What are you doing here?
16:46Shouldn't you be getting
16:47your second vasectomy
16:48right about now?
16:50There's nothing I tell you, Private.
16:52He's been following the whole story.
16:54It kills me.
16:55First, she gets you to do it.
16:57Then, too much later,
16:58she gets you to undo it.
16:59And now, she's getting you
17:00to do it again.
17:01To me, it's very entertaining.
17:04Regrettably,
17:05I've learned that
17:06little traumatic events
17:07can help lead to
17:08big traumatic events.
17:09Oh, look.
17:10There it is.
17:11A film by Mabel Buckman.
17:13What kind of title
17:14is that, Stabbing Bob?
17:16She's angry.
17:17Really?
17:18All right.
17:19We should save two seats together
17:20because Mabel really wants
17:21Paul and Jamie to sit
17:22next to each other.
17:23Oh, I know.
17:24Do they both know
17:25the other one's gonna be here?
17:26Yeah, they're gonna be mature.
17:27Oh, oh.
17:28Hey, hey, hey.
17:29Here they are.
17:30I'm here.
17:31Look at you.
17:32Oh, look at you.
17:33Look at your Aunt Deb
17:34and Aunt Joan.
17:36Leonardo,
17:37come kiss your ranties.
17:38Shania, you sit there.
17:39Beavis, you sit
17:40in front of me.
17:42Give me the pacifier.
17:43You don't care.
17:44Listen, why don't you
17:45come sit with me, actually?
17:46You know what?
17:47We should save
17:48these two seats
17:49for Paul and James,
17:50you know?
17:51Already done.
17:52Oh, oh, good.
17:53No harm in trying, right?
17:54Right.
17:55Hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:56What are you eating?
17:57What's the matter?
17:58He's eating popcorn
17:59from a five o'clock show.
18:00Oh, leave him alone.
18:01Hey, my daughter
18:02made a movie.
18:03Paulie.
18:04Oh, nice jacket.
18:05Yeah, thank you.
18:07Hi, sweetie.
18:09Paulie, why don't you
18:10come sit, uh, let's see.
18:11Oh, here.
18:12Good, good.
18:13Hey, Beavis.
18:14Hey, Uncle Paulie,
18:15want some popcorn?
18:16Say no.
18:17I'm gonna say no.
18:18Hey, there.
18:19Thank God I'm not late.
18:20Not at all.
18:21Oh, it's the mother
18:22of the filmmaker.
18:23Hey, it's James.
18:24Hey, you.
18:25Hi, Jamie.
18:26Hey, Shania.
18:27Hello, everybody.
18:28Sit here.
18:29Okie dokie.
18:30Come on.
18:34Hi.
18:35Hi.
18:39How you doing?
18:40Good.
18:41How you doing?
18:42Good.
18:43Good.
18:52Okay.
18:53There it is.
18:54Okay.
19:00I ask this question
19:02objectively,
19:03in earnest,
19:04and without bias.
19:06Who do you think
19:07was responsible
19:08for my parents' breakup?
19:09The one who ran away
19:10from the altar
19:11and changed her mind
19:12three times about
19:13whether or not her partner
19:14should have painful
19:15private surgery?
19:16Or the other guy?
19:18What?
19:19I'm changing my name.
19:20It's not Mabel anymore.
19:21It's Sonia.
19:23Okay.
19:24Um, may I ask why?
19:26Because Mabel's stupid.
19:28I see.
19:29Listen, Mabel...
19:30Sonia.
19:31Pardon me.
19:32Say it.
19:33Sonia.
19:34Say it nice.
19:35All right.
19:36Mabel, listen...
19:37It's Sonia.
19:38Thank you.
19:39Why Sonia?
19:40Because I like it.
19:41Your grandmother
19:42thought of Mabel.
19:43You know, it's an acronym.
19:44A what?
19:45The letters M-A-B-E-L
19:47stand for
19:48Mothers Always Bring Extra Love.
19:50Well,
19:51Sonia's an acronym, too.
19:53It is?
19:54For what?
19:55Some other name,
19:56you ass.
19:57Oh!
20:02My father had his own way
20:03of dealing with my mother.
20:04He would keep
20:05certain pieces of information
20:07to himself.
20:11Honey?
20:12Hmm?
20:13You didn't so much
20:15get that second vasectomy,
20:16did you?
20:18Why?
20:19Because I am
20:20remarkably pregnant.
20:25No, I did not.
20:27But I've done so many
20:28other things
20:29that you did ask me to.
20:56I'm sorry.
20:57I'm sorry.
20:58I'm sorry.
20:59I'm sorry.
21:00I'm sorry.
21:01I'm sorry.
21:02I'm sorry.
21:03I'm sorry.
21:04I'm sorry.
21:05I'm sorry.
21:06I'm sorry.
21:07I'm sorry.
21:08I'm sorry.
21:09I'm sorry.
21:10I'm sorry.
21:11I'm sorry.
21:12I'm sorry.
21:13I'm sorry.
21:14I'm sorry.
21:15I'm sorry.
21:16I'm sorry.
21:17I'm sorry.
21:18I'm sorry.
21:19I'm sorry.
21:20I'm sorry.
21:21I'm sorry.
21:22I'm sorry.
21:23I'm sorry.
21:24I'm sorry.
21:25I'm sorry.
21:26I'm sorry.
21:27I'm sorry.
21:28I'm sorry.
21:29I'm sorry.
21:30I'm sorry.
21:31I'm sorry.
21:32I'm sorry.
21:33I'm sorry.
21:34I'm sorry.
21:35I'm sorry.
21:36I'm sorry.
21:37I'm sorry.
21:38I'm sorry.
21:39I'm sorry.
21:40I'm sorry.
21:41I'm sorry.
21:42I'm sorry.
21:43I'm sorry.
21:44I'm sorry.
21:45I'm sorry.
21:46I'm sorry.
21:47I'm sorry.
21:48I'm sorry.
21:49I'm sorry.
21:50I'm sorry.
21:51I'm sorry.
21:52I'm sorry.
21:53I'm sorry.
21:54I'm sorry.
21:55I'm sorry.
21:56I'm sorry.
21:57I'm sorry.
21:58I'm sorry.
21:59I'm sorry.
22:00I'm sorry.
22:01I'm sorry.
22:02I'm sorry.
22:03I'm sorry.
22:04I'm sorry.
22:05I'm sorry.
22:06I'm sorry.
22:07I'm sorry.
22:08I'm sorry.
22:09I'm sorry.
22:10I'm sorry.
22:11I'm sorry.
22:12I'm sorry.
22:13I'm sorry.
22:14I'm sorry.
22:15I'm sorry.
22:16I'm sorry.
22:17I'm sorry.
22:18I'm sorry.
22:19I'm sorry.
22:20I'm sorry.
22:21I'm sorry.
22:22I'm sorry.