Adventures of a Taxi Driver 1976

Golden Era Entertainment

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Transcript

00:00:30I'd like to take a ride with you

00:00:33Don't want to be tied to you

00:00:37I promise I'll try my very best

00:00:41To please you darling

00:00:44You know that there's more of me

00:00:48There's things you can share with me

00:00:51So take my tip

00:00:53And we could skip formalities

00:00:57Won't you be my cruisin' Casanova

00:01:02Click your fingers and I'll be over there

00:01:06Smoothin' your hair, smoothin' your cares away

00:01:11There's no profusin' Casanova

00:01:16Stop the clock and we're workin' overtime

00:01:20Cruisin' Casanova, be mine

00:01:25Taxi driver, love me

00:01:29Taxi driver

00:01:43Every major international city

00:01:45has that most popular means of transport

00:01:48The taxi

00:01:49That unique brand of conveyance

00:01:52Which combines efficiency with individuality

00:01:55Perhaps most popular for the personal service it provides

00:02:02Enthusiastic, hard-working, with never a moment's rest

00:02:06Probably the taxi driver's most lovable attribute

00:02:09is the warm welcome he is always eager to extend

00:02:13to foreign visitors

00:02:16The moment you hail a taxi

00:02:18you can be sure of being greeted by a friendly smile

00:02:21a concern for your well-being

00:02:23and someone at the wheel always ready to lend a helping hand

00:02:44There are at present literally millions of taxis

00:02:47operating throughout the world on a 24-hour basis

00:02:52Ensuring that at any time, day or night, within seconds

00:02:56you can be speeding happily away to the destination of your choice

00:03:02Renowned for their total lack of prejudice

00:03:05a taxi will stop for anybody

00:03:07irrespective of colour, class or creed

00:03:16Adored by the public for their whimsical charm

00:03:19and delightful disposition

00:03:21perhaps more than any other form of public transport

00:03:24the taxi driver holds a unique place in the hearts of the people

00:03:28Not least his fellow road users

00:03:30who appreciate to the full that quiet, courteous patience

00:03:34that affable, friendly manner

00:03:36that consideration for his fellow motorists

00:03:39with whom he is always ready to exchange a friendly wave

00:03:42and some merry little quip

00:03:45But possibly more than anything else to his credit

00:03:49the taxi driver bears the distinction of being a driver of knowledge

00:03:53experience and efficiency

00:03:55reassuring all who drive with him

00:03:57that the taxi is not only the safest vehicle on the road

00:04:00but holds the proud record for being involved in the least number of accidents

00:04:06Without a doubt, we the public owe much to these gallant knights of the road

00:04:12of whom it can truly be said

00:04:14everything we feel for them

00:04:17they feel for us

00:04:35That'll be seventy-five, Gav

00:04:45Thank you

00:04:50Thank you very much

00:04:52Well, you try smiling when you've been lumbered with a miserable tight-fisted git like him

00:04:57after you've fought through all the bleeding traffic

00:04:59and had him moaning on at you like it was all your fault

00:05:06Sorry about that

00:05:08Been a bit of a bad day, know what I mean?

00:05:10By the way, my name's Joe

00:05:12Well, with a name like that, I had to go in the cabbing business, didn't I?

00:05:15Been at it a year or so now

00:05:17Got me own cab

00:05:18Well, almost

00:05:19As soon as I finish paying for it

00:05:21Yeah, it's not such a bad job, really

00:05:23Hard work, but then so's anything these days

00:05:25Not that I mind

00:05:27Got me health and strength, know what I mean?

00:05:29Mind you, I'll be a lot happier when I get me own place

00:05:32Trouble is, you see, I live at home

00:05:34You need a bit of peace and quiet after doing this job

00:05:37And living at home, no joke, I can tell you

00:05:40Oh, yeah, makes a great start to the day

00:05:44Oh, come on, Mum, I'm late as it is

00:05:47Well, it's your own fault

00:05:49Coming in here last night, pissed us anew

00:05:51Crashing about all over the place and waking me up

00:05:54Lay off, Ma, will you?

00:05:56Do us a favour

00:05:57You're getting more like your father every day, you are

00:06:00And you're going to end up like him, mark my words

00:06:03And where were you last night?

00:06:05Out screwing some poor innocent little girl, I suppose

00:06:08Just like your father

00:06:10Don't make me laugh, you hardly knew him

00:06:12You only met him once

00:06:14Don't talk like that in front of the baby

00:06:16Woke her up and all, didn't he, my dear little pet?

00:06:21More consideration

00:06:23Twice I met him, twice

00:06:26Give me him!

00:06:28Mummy will give you something nicer than that to play with

00:06:31There's a good little girl

00:06:34Well, are you going to sit staring at that all day or are you going to eat it?

00:06:37I don't feel like eating, look, just give me a cup of tea, will you?

00:06:40Oh, I don't know why I bother, I really don't

00:06:43I mean, food is wasted just as though it costs nothing

00:06:46All right, all right

00:06:47Tell it's burning, porridge better smell

00:06:52Oh, it's all right, just at the bottom

00:06:54The top's all right

00:06:57I don't like porridge!

00:06:59Yes, you do, it's lovely

00:07:01It's porridge, porridge, porridge!

00:07:03Shut up!

00:07:05Now look what you've done

00:07:07You know it makes her cry

00:07:09All right, I'll give up, that's it, bloody hell

00:07:11I'm late as it is

00:07:13Where's me fares, good man?

00:07:14Oh, in the cupboard

00:07:20Oh, my God, that little tyke's been thieving again, hasn't he?

00:07:25Where is he?

00:07:26Peter, come in here!

00:07:28Peter!

00:07:29And he's like his father and all

00:07:31Wind up in the same cell with him, I shouldn't wonder, the way he's carrying on

00:07:35Peter!

00:07:36How am I supposed to get to sleep in all this racket, yeah?

00:07:39So, where's the fire then?

00:07:40Over here, come here

00:07:42Look, what have you got to say about all this lot then?

00:07:45Good gear, isn't it?

00:07:46I mean, it's not rubbish, is it?

00:07:48You said you got a proper job

00:07:50Well, I have

00:07:51I mean, I'm doing it proper now, aren't I?

00:07:53Been working very hard at it and all

00:07:55I've got a sharp little organisation together

00:07:57You're going to get us all into trouble one of these days

00:07:59I mean, anyone could just walk in

00:08:01Yeah, and all that lot lying there

00:08:03Not to mention 20 cartons of hairspray I found hidden under me bed

00:08:07Fell off the back of a lorry, didn't they, Mum?

00:08:09You're going to end up in the nick with ten years ahead of you

00:08:11Peter's going in the nick! Peter's going in the nick!

00:08:14Why can't you get an honest job for once?

00:08:16What, like driving a cab?

00:08:18Leave off

00:08:19Anyway, that's no more than bleeding highway robbery

00:08:21So what are you doing, telling me to go straight?

00:08:23Oh, choice! I like that

00:08:27Just don't ask me to bail you out, that's all

00:08:32It's your funeral

00:08:47What did I tell you, eh? It's always like that

00:08:49Makes it a pleasure going to work in the morning

00:08:57I tell you what would cheer me up, is to pick up a nice bit of crumpet

00:09:00Very handy for introductions, this motor

00:09:02Very handy for introductions, this motor

00:09:32Think it on, Mum, with me, forget the rest

00:09:36I'd like to test your driving style

00:09:40Won't you be my

00:09:42Cousin

00:09:44Casanova

00:09:46Click your fingers and I'll be over there

00:09:50Smoothing your hair, soothing your cares away

00:09:55There's no refusing

00:09:58Casanova

00:10:00Stop the clock and we're working overtime

00:10:04Cruising Casanova

00:10:06Be my

00:10:08Casanova

00:10:16Where to, darling?

00:10:17Lambeth Bridge, please

00:10:19Right you are, then

00:10:31Nice morning, innit? You off to work, then?

00:10:34Yeah, I thought so, I can usually tell

00:10:37Ah, being in this job, you have to be a bit of a psychologist

00:10:40What do you do for a living, eh? Now don't tell me, let me guess

00:10:43I'd say you're a secretary, right?

00:10:46Personal secretary to some oil magnate, eh?

00:10:49Really high-powered

00:10:51Don't let appearances fool you

00:10:53You'll be a right little ray for this one when it gets going

00:10:55Got a lovely little body on her, too

00:10:57No mistake

00:10:59Looks a bit miserable, though

00:11:01I know what she needs, right?

00:11:03That's another thing I can tell

00:11:05Whether a bird's had a good seeing to or not the night before

00:11:09I reckon that one's had a right thin time of it lately, don't you?

00:11:13Born in London, were you? Now don't tell me, let me guess

00:11:16I'd say, judging from your accent, that you're from somewhere up north, right?

00:11:20Yes, I can usually tell

00:11:22Somewhere like Liverpool, maybe

00:11:25Yeah, Liverpool, I'd say

00:11:28She's weakling, what did I tell you, eh?

00:11:30Oh, yes, definitely softening up

00:11:32Stands out a mile

00:11:34Which side of the bridge, love?

00:11:36The middle

00:11:37The middle? Right then, middle it is

00:11:52That'll be, um...

00:11:53Here, hang on

00:11:54Hey, hang on a minute, darling

00:11:56What about my fare?

00:12:08Go away and leave me alone, please

00:12:10Just leave me alone

00:12:11But I never laid a finger on you

00:12:13What's the matter with you?

00:12:14Jesus Christ, I only want me bleeding fare

00:12:16Look, if you haven't got it, there's no need to panic

00:12:18I mean it, don't come any closer

00:12:20All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going

00:12:22You don't care, do you?

00:12:24Nobody cares

00:12:25Eh?

00:12:26No one will even notice I'm dead

00:12:27All right then, if that's the way it is, I'll jump now

00:12:30Oh, my God

00:12:31Don't try and stop me, it's too late

00:12:33My mind's made up

00:12:35No, wait, don't do it

00:12:37Pain, the suffering will only end when the icy waters close over me

00:12:41Carry me away into oblivion

00:12:43Funny bird

00:12:44Dreamless sleep of eternity

00:12:46Darling, why don't you tell me about it?

00:12:47I mean, I don't pretend to understand, I've only just met you, haven't I?

00:12:50But you know what they say, right?

00:12:51A trouble shared is a trouble aft

00:12:53And all I can say is, well, it seems to me a terrible waste

00:12:55A beautiful girl like you trying to do away with herself

00:12:58What do you say, eh?

00:12:59I mean, nothing's ever that bad, really

00:13:01Not when you come down to it

00:13:02It's too late for talking now

00:13:04Oh, please, darling, try, eh?

00:13:06I'm all alone in the world

00:13:08No one loves me, no one cares

00:13:10You don't know what it's like to be left alone

00:13:12Unloved, unwanted

00:13:14Hold on, I don't believe it

00:13:16A beautiful girl like you and no one wants to know

00:13:18Listen, I could love you

00:13:20I mean, the first time I saw you, I said to myself

00:13:22Now there's a girl I could really love

00:13:24There was a man, once

00:13:26I thought he loved me

00:13:28Oh, Ronald, Ronald

00:13:29Watch yourself, you fool

00:13:31He's never coming back

00:13:32I'll never see him again, never

00:13:33I want to die

00:13:34I can't face life without him

00:13:36Oh, Ronald, Ronald

00:13:40Phew

00:13:41I can't even kill myself properly

00:13:43I'm a failure at everything

00:13:45No, you just need cheering up, that's all

00:13:47Look, you've had a nasty shock, right?

00:13:49Why don't I take you home, eh?

00:13:51Where do you live?

00:13:52Do you really think I'll ever be able to forget Ronald?

00:13:54Of course you will, with a bit of help

00:13:56I need love, you see, that's what I need

00:13:58Lots of loving

00:14:00Well, I did just save her life, didn't I?

00:14:03I mean, the way I look at it, it's an offer I can't refuse

00:14:06And strong arms, strong arms to hold me

00:14:08Hold you?

00:14:09It's like trying to undress a bloody octopus

00:14:11I don't want you to think I'm promiscuous

00:14:13just because you caught me at a weak moment

00:14:15Oh, I don't, I don't

00:14:17Look, just lift up a bit, will you?

00:14:19It's just that without Ronald I feel so helpless

00:14:21Oh, I don't know, you seem to be doing all right

00:14:23I wish he was here right now so he could see

00:14:25Oh, I don't

00:14:28Linda!

00:14:29It's Ronald

00:14:31Ronald?

00:14:35Oh

00:14:36You got it all wrong, mate

00:14:37It's not like that at all

00:14:39I mean, I've just brought her back in my cab, you see

00:14:41And you're just collecting the fare, that right?

00:14:43Yeah, no

00:14:44You mustn't get it wrong

00:14:47I didn't dare leave her

00:14:49She was going to do herself in

00:14:51Throw herself off Lambeth Bridge

00:14:53Well, that makes a change

00:14:55Let's see, what's the score now?

00:14:57Westminster twice, Blackfriars, London Bridge, Tower Bridge

00:15:00And that's only in the last few months

00:15:02Well, how was I supposed to know?

00:15:03I mean, she was in a terrible state

00:15:05Said you'd left her

00:15:06And you did

00:15:07You just walked out without saying goodbye

00:15:08And you slammed the door

00:15:09Cover yourself up, will you?

00:15:10That's typical, that is

00:15:12Most of the time you want me to uncover myself

00:15:14That's different, that's when I'm with you

00:15:15Well, you're with me now

00:15:16So what's different?

00:15:17Admit it

00:15:18You only want me for my body

00:15:19Oh, Linda, don't be so ridiculous

00:15:20I'm not being

00:15:21You think you can treat me how you like

00:15:22As if I've got no feelings

00:15:24Now, you know that's not true

00:15:25Oh, calling me a liar are you now?

00:15:27Not content with only wanting me for my body

00:15:28I'm a liar as well

00:15:29I didn't say that

00:15:30Um, excuse me

00:15:31I knew it

00:15:32I just knew it

00:15:33You don't love me anymore

00:15:34Of course I do

00:15:35You wouldn't say such things if you did

00:15:37Look, I don't want to interrupt anything

00:15:38Look, if I didn't love you

00:15:39How the hell could I have put up with you?

00:15:40How the hell could I have put up with you for so long?

00:15:41I said, I don't want to interrupt

00:15:42Look, don't just mind your own business

00:15:43Keep your nose out of this, mate

00:15:44I've got to go to work sometimes, you know

00:15:46Without you thinking I'm leaving you

00:15:47And threatening to commit suicide

00:15:49You drive me to it

00:15:50You're so

00:15:51You're so cruel to me, thank you

00:15:53Oh, don't be so stupid

00:15:54You're sick, that's your trouble

00:15:56Oh, yes

00:15:57That's always your attitude

00:15:58You never think

00:15:59And you still haven't remembered

00:16:01Remembered what, for heaven's sake?

00:16:03It's my birthday

00:16:05So what's important about a birthday?

00:16:06It's very important

00:16:07You have one every year

00:16:08Come on, you've got a

00:16:10It's very important to have a birthday

00:16:22It's going to be one of those days

00:16:24I just know it

00:16:28I'd like to take her out

00:16:29And push her under a bus

00:16:30Don't you talk about your little sister like that

00:16:33I won't have it

00:16:34Sister?

00:16:35She's not even human

00:16:37Look at that lot

00:16:38A bleeding tan of soap powder ruined

00:16:40Do you know how much money she's lost me?

00:16:42And when I'd done a deal on it

00:16:44Knocked myself out and set it up

00:16:46Well, no one asked you to bring it in here, did they?

00:16:48Cluttering up my kitchen

00:16:49Well, I want it out

00:16:51Just get rid of it

00:16:52Do you hear me?

00:16:53Oh, yeah

00:16:54Now, what am I supposed to say?

00:16:55Like, listen, mate

00:16:56About that soap powder

00:16:58I did have it, see

00:16:59But it sort of vanished

00:17:00Sorry about that

00:17:01Or how about my little sister

00:17:02Decided to decorate the house with it

00:17:04Oh, they're going to love that

00:17:06After they've picked themselves up

00:17:07Off the bloody floor laughing, of course

00:17:08Joe, Joe

00:17:09You just tell him, will you?

00:17:10Just tell him to get rid of it

00:17:12No, no

00:17:13I've had as much as I can take

00:17:14I washed my hands of the whole bleeding lot of you

00:17:16That's it, as far as I'm concerned

00:17:19Why don't you get rid of the stuff you've already got

00:17:21Before you bring more in?

00:17:23It's getting so

00:17:24That I can't even move around me own house

00:17:26What's all that gear doing in my bedroom?

00:17:28I'll bring her bloody little neck so up me, I will

00:17:30Heda

00:17:31Little monster ought to have been put down at birth

00:17:33What?

00:17:34Heda

00:17:35What?

00:17:36What? I want to know what all that...

00:17:38Oh, never mind, forget it

00:17:41And where do you think you're going, Sonny Jim?

00:17:44I've got a nice little job for you

00:17:46First, dump it

00:17:49Oh, Ma, where?

00:17:51That is your problem, not mine

00:17:54And mind you, bring that bucket back

00:17:58Where do you think you're going with that?

00:18:00I told you, I'm leaving

00:18:01Oh, I see, just walking out and leaving me to cope

00:18:04A fine son you turned out to be

00:18:07Just like your father, whoever he was

00:18:10Here, what am I supposed to tell Carol when she comes?

00:18:13Well, you can tell her to...

00:18:15Hello, love

00:18:16Hello, love

00:18:17Carol, be steady

00:18:18Bit of a drag

00:18:19Got wedding bells in her ears

00:18:21I'm sorry

00:18:22I'm sorry

00:18:23I'm sorry

00:18:24I'm sorry

00:18:25I'm sorry

00:18:26Got wedding bells in her ears

00:18:27What are you doing with that, then?

00:18:29He's clearing off

00:18:31Walking out on his responsibilities

00:18:33That's what he's doing

00:18:34Oh, no

00:18:35No, I'm sure Joe wouldn't do a thing like that without telling me, would you, Joe?

00:18:38Yes, I would

00:18:39I've had enough

00:18:40I'm clearing out

00:18:41I've had enough

00:18:43Oh

00:18:44Oh

00:18:45I expect I'll see you later, then

00:18:47Joe?

00:18:48Joe?

00:18:49Joe Knowles, you come here

00:18:51Come here

00:18:52Do I comprehend the situation correctly?

00:18:55Are you leaving home?

00:18:56Dead right

00:18:57Without a word to me or even a bye or leave?

00:19:00It's got nothing to do with you

00:19:02You mean it's got nothing to do with me?

00:19:04I happen to be your fiancée

00:19:06And fiancées have a right to know these things

00:19:08So where are you going?

00:19:09I don't know

00:19:10What do you mean you don't know?

00:19:12Well, I just told you I don't know

00:19:14You can't just leave home and not know where you're going

00:19:16Well, as soon as I find somewhere, I'll get in touch, all right?

00:19:19Well, when's that, then?

00:19:21How should I know tonight, tomorrow, as soon as I'm settled in?

00:19:24You're not going to take me out tonight?

00:19:25How can I? I don't know where I'll be

00:19:27Gone with the wind

00:19:29What?

00:19:30That's what you were supposed to take me to

00:19:32Gone with the wind

00:19:33Oh, come on, you must have seen it ten times

00:19:35Eleven

00:19:36What with that and Lady and the Tramp every year at Christmas

00:19:38It's enough to drive anyone up the wall

00:19:40Well, you don't have to come

00:19:41I mean, nobody's forcing you to

00:19:43I mean, you don't have to care if I'm on my own

00:19:45Probably being molested in the back row

00:19:47Oh, come on, who's going to molest you?

00:19:49Lots of people, if I let them

00:19:51Anyway, you always do

00:19:53Yeah, well, I've got to find something to do, haven't I?

00:19:55Gone with the wind, it's a long film

00:19:56Well, if you won't take me to the pictures

00:19:58Why can't I come with you and help you find somewhere to stay?

00:20:01Carol, I'll be all right

00:20:03Supposing you're moving in with another woman?

00:20:06Oh, leave off, Carol

00:20:08Well, how am I supposed to know?

00:20:10Look, I'll ring you, all right?

00:20:12You see, if you would have told me you were leaving home

00:20:14I could have done the same

00:20:16And then we could have moved in together

00:20:18And got married before I originally planned

00:20:20Yeah, well, I'll ring you

00:20:22See, if you wouldn't mind hanging about for a bit

00:20:24I could belt home and start packing straight away

00:20:26I know, look, um...

00:20:2820 minutes, 15 at the outside if you took me back ahead

00:20:30Carol, I haven't got time for all this

00:20:37What is the matter?

00:20:38Do you not want to live with me anymore?

00:20:40Course I do, it's nothing to do with that

00:20:42Well, you wouldn't think so the way you go on about it

00:20:44You know, you'll have to get used to it once we're married

00:20:47Look, what's up with you?

00:20:48Don't you trust me or something?

00:20:50Quite frankly, no

00:20:51Charming

00:20:52Well, it's just that I don't like to think of you being unfaithful

00:20:55Especially as I spent all my savings last week buying my engagement ring

00:20:59Have I ever been unfaithful to you?

00:21:01No

00:21:02Have you ever caught me with another woman?

00:21:04No

00:21:05Have you ever caught me, when I've been out with you, even looking at another woman?

00:21:10No

00:21:11Well, there you are then

00:21:12You've got nothing to worry about, have you?

00:21:15That is besides the point

00:21:17Remember, a penny saved is a penny not spent

00:21:22What are you going on about?

00:21:24Do not put all your balls in one basket

00:21:27That is what I'm trying to say

00:21:29You see, if I caught you reclining in the embrace of another woman

00:21:34Do you know what I would do?

00:21:36I would chop it off

00:21:39Look, you can trust me

00:21:41As soon as I find somewhere, I'll ring you, alright?

00:21:44Well, I thought I was coming with you

00:21:46What?

00:21:47Well, that's what we agreed

00:21:49Yeah, well look, you go home and pack your things

00:21:52Yeah

00:21:53And then as soon as I find somewhere

00:21:54Yeah

00:21:55I'll see you later

00:22:00I haven't finished yet

00:22:17Tom, Tom, you about?

00:22:20With you in a minute

00:22:25Joe, how are things?

00:22:27Oh, not so bad

00:22:28Er, mind if I carry on?

00:22:30Busy, I see

00:22:31Ah, not bad

00:22:33Still got your picture gallery then?

00:22:35You dirty old bastard

00:22:38Well, I'll see you later

00:22:39Yeah, see you later

00:22:40Bye

00:22:41Bye

00:22:42Bye

00:22:43Bye

00:22:44Bye

00:22:45You dirty old bastard

00:22:47Make good dartboards

00:22:48Should see how my aim's improved

00:22:50Here, pass that grease gun, will you?

00:22:54So

00:22:56How's the cab business then?

00:22:58Oh, mustn't grumble

00:23:03Thing is, I er

00:23:05I did want to ask you a favour, mate

00:23:08Oh yeah

00:23:09Yeah, er

00:23:11You know that flat you've got upstairs?

00:23:13Yeah, what about it?

00:23:15Well, it's got two bedrooms, right?

00:23:17Just about, yeah

00:23:18Yeah, well, I've got this problem, see

00:23:20Like, I've got to find somewhere to live

00:23:22And er, well, seeing as how we're mates

00:23:24I mean, I'd help towards the rent and that

00:23:26Listen, Joe, any time

00:23:28You know that

00:23:29Unfortunately, it's not that simple

00:23:31I mean, if you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago, no problem

00:23:33But the trouble is, I've got a lady living with me at the moment

00:23:35Don't tell me you need two beds

00:23:37You must be slipping

00:23:38No, no, no, it's not that

00:23:40Look, Joe, I'll be straight with you

00:23:42You know women

00:23:43You never know how they'll react

00:23:44I mean, well, Nicky's a nice lady, but

00:23:46Well, she does work odd hours

00:23:48Yeah?

00:23:49Has its advantages, I suppose

00:23:51Yeah, well, I wouldn't ask

00:23:52Er, if I wasn't really desperate

00:23:54Just till I get something else fixed up

00:23:56All right, all right

00:23:57Just for a couple of weeks

00:23:58Till you find somewhere

00:23:59Yeah

00:24:00Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?

00:24:03Hello, talk of the devil

00:24:06I'll say this for Tom

00:24:07He certainly knows how to pick them

00:24:08I mean, he's obviously a bit of class

00:24:10Probably an air hose test or something like that

00:24:12This is Nicky

00:24:13She's a stripper

00:24:15Well, it can't always be right, can you?

00:24:17Joe's coming to stay with us for a while

00:24:20Oh, nice

00:24:21When?

00:24:22How about now?

00:24:23You weren't kidding, were you?

00:24:26Well, I don't believe in hanging about

00:24:27Once me mind's made up

00:24:28You, er

00:24:30Planning on staying long, then?

00:24:32Well, just till I get myself sorted out

00:24:34Find a nice little place to live

00:24:36Oh, if you hear of anywhere that's going

00:24:38Not too expensive

00:24:39Oh, yeah, sure

00:24:41She fancies me

00:24:42I can tell

00:24:43I could pull this one

00:24:44Dead easy, no problem

00:24:46I expect you're like me

00:24:48Work odd hours

00:24:50Yeah, I do a bit

00:24:52I suppose that means we won't

00:24:54See a lot of each other, then

00:24:56If I see a quick one before I go

00:25:00Oh, er

00:25:01No, thanks

00:25:02Better get out and earn some money

00:25:04Like me to drop you off?

00:25:05Oh, yeah, great

00:25:07Save me getting a cab

00:25:09Yeah, I could definitely make it with her

00:25:11But I think I'd better put in a bit of hard graft

00:25:13Earn myself some money

00:25:14Yes, that's what I'm going to concentrate on for a bit

00:25:16Money

00:25:39Money

00:25:40Money

00:25:41Money

00:25:42Money

00:25:43Money

00:25:44Money

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00:26:35Money

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00:26:37Money

00:26:38Money

00:26:39Mode

00:26:40Money

00:26:41Money

00:26:42Money

00:26:43Money

00:26:49Nike

00:26:52Money

00:26:53No, stand back for God's sake stand back

00:26:55Why

00:26:57What happened

00:26:58It's a

00:26:59In there

00:27:01No, don't go any closer

00:27:04Oh, don't touch it. They bite, you know. They're poisonous.

00:27:09Monty is a python and they don't bite.

00:27:14Anyway, it wouldn't hurt anyone, would you, Monty?

00:27:18Are you trying to tell me? Is that thing yours?

00:27:21Well, of course it is.

00:27:24And don't shout. You'll upset him. He's very highly strung.

00:27:30What's he doing in my bath?

00:27:33Where else could I put him?

00:27:36Anyway, he likes it in the baths.

00:27:39Keep that horrible thing away from me.

00:27:41I'm telling you, you'll have to get rid of it.

00:27:43It's not staying here. You'll have to get rid of it.

00:27:46Get rid of it? I can't.

00:27:49And even if I want to do it, which I don't, he's part of my act.

00:27:53Change your act.

00:27:55Change my act?

00:27:57Monty is a huge success and you don't replace that in a hurry.

00:28:03Oh, will you stop doing that? It gives me the horrors.

00:28:06Those beady little eyes staring at me all the time.

00:28:09I don't know why you're making such a fuss. Give me his basket.

00:28:19I don't know how you'd feel if you found a snake in your bath.

00:28:22I mean, I almost had a heart attack.

00:28:24Are you sure that thing's going to be safe in there?

00:28:26Yes, of course he is.

00:28:29Monty is very well behaved.

00:28:33There you go. There we are.

00:29:00Hi, Jerry, Bill.

00:29:02What's the joke?

00:29:03Picking the winners, did you?

00:29:05Nah.

00:29:06Ah, it's a mugs game, that. I'm going to give it up, mate. Save your money.

00:29:09Hello, sexy.

00:29:11My money? Might as well spend it on that, as anything else.

00:29:14I bet I'm throwing it away on ruddy women all the time, like you.

00:29:16What are you talking about? I make them pay. That's a secret, mate.

00:29:19Sex maniac? That's what you are.

00:29:21Nah, you're just too old, mate. That's your choice.

00:29:23I'm not a sex maniac.

00:29:25Sex maniac? That's what you are.

00:29:27Nah, you're just too old, mate. That's your trouble.

00:29:29Can't get it up any more.

00:29:31From what I've heard, you can't get yours down, mate.

00:29:33Won't part me well with each old, innit?

00:29:35Oh, that's what they call it, is it?

00:29:37What's the matter with you, eh? You've forgotten what it's like.

00:29:40He thinks he invented sex.

00:29:42Hello, Joe.

00:29:43Hello, Dora.

00:29:49Haven't seen you for a while.

00:29:51Been busy, innit?

00:29:52Two dog rolls, two teas.

00:29:54The way he carries on, I'm surprised it ain't dropped off by now.

00:29:57Go on, you're just jealous.

00:29:59Oh, like hell. You get to my age, you've done it all, haven't you?

00:30:02I'll get to your age, I'll need to have done.

00:30:04Ah, get lost, mate.

00:30:06You reckon that's all there is to this job, don't you? Pulling birds.

00:30:09What do you reckon it's all about, then?

00:30:11You're all the bloody same.

00:30:13Out on the road for a couple of years, think you know it all?

00:30:16You'll find out.

00:30:18How's that dreadful brother of yours?

00:30:20What, Peter? Dreadful?

00:30:24What do you fancy, then?

00:30:25What do you think? Give us a dog roll, will you?

00:30:27One dog roll?

00:30:29He's going to get done one of these days, the way he carries on.

00:30:32More than likely. Still, I shan't be there to see it.

00:30:34Moved out. Couldn't stand it any longer.

00:30:36I'm on my own place now.

00:30:37Moved in with Carol, have you?

00:30:39Not bloody likely.

00:30:40Yeah? When are you going to invite me round, then?

00:30:43Any time you like, darling.

00:30:45Well, I'm free tonight.

00:30:46Funny you should say that. So am I.

00:30:48Pick you up about seven, all right?

00:30:50All right.

00:30:52Hey!

00:31:06Joe, if I let you, you know, you wouldn't think me cheap, would you?

00:31:12Cheap? No, of course not.

00:31:15Drinking double gins all evening?

00:31:18Of course not. It's being emotionally honest.

00:31:21What could be wrong with that?

00:31:23It's with a fabulous figure like you got.

00:31:25It'd be criminal to hide it away now, wouldn't it?

00:31:31I'll tell you something.

00:31:33You've got the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen.

00:31:36Have I?

00:31:38I have dreams about them.

00:31:39You don't? Really?

00:31:49I'll tell you something else, too.

00:31:52They're even better with nothing on.

00:32:19Oh, Joe.

00:32:37Oh, Joe.

00:32:39Oh, darling, you're fantastic.

00:32:44I haven't even got me trousers off yet.

00:32:49Oh, Joe.

00:32:51Oh, Joe.

00:33:15What a scene that was last night.

00:33:18Makes you wonder whether it's all worthwhile, doesn't it?

00:33:20Just got to deliver this parcel.

00:33:22Should be fairly straightforward.

00:33:23Well, I don't think I can take any more excitement.

00:33:25Not for a while.

00:33:36Mrs Devere Barker.

00:33:38Parcel for you.

00:33:40Oh, hmm.

00:33:41Bring it in, would you?

00:33:51Oh, if you'd just like to pop it down over there.

00:33:54I daren't touch it, you see. It's my nails.

00:33:57It's your what, love?

00:33:58Nails.

00:33:59Tropical green, number three.

00:34:02Very exotic.

00:34:04The second they're dry, I'll be able to pay you.

00:34:06Only I just daren't touch anything while they're like this.

00:34:08No, it's all right. You just stand there and dry off.

00:34:11I'm in no hurry.

00:34:12Oh.

00:34:13You wouldn't like a drink while you're waiting, would you?

00:34:15No, thanks. I'm driving.

00:34:16But thanks all the same.

00:34:17Oh, not even a cold beer, something like that?

00:34:19Well, I wouldn't mind a beer, actually.

00:34:21Oh, do help yourself.

00:34:28Actually, darling, you couldn't do me a large Campari and soda, could you, while you're there?

00:34:33Yeah.

00:34:36A large one.

00:34:37Yes, please.

00:34:41Say when.

00:34:42I never do.

00:34:48Oh, be an angel, would you, and just slip it between my lips.

00:34:53Oh, the glass. Yes, of course.

00:34:59Sorry to put you to all this inconvenience.

00:35:01Don't mention it.

00:35:02It's just I always seem to get caught out when someone arrives.

00:35:06Yesterday, it was the television repairman.

00:35:09The day before, it was the plumber.

00:35:11And as for the window cleaner, well, every time he comes now, I seem to be in the bath.

00:35:16I see.

00:35:17Oh, you wouldn't be an angel, would you, and undo it for me.

00:35:23It's for a dinner tonight.

00:35:25My husband's in cement.

00:35:27Oh, must be uncomfortable for him.

00:35:29It's a presentation dinner, you see.

00:35:31So I thought I'd wear green to go with my nail varnish.

00:35:35Very nice.

00:35:37Seems to be all right now.

00:35:39You're not in a rush, are you?

00:35:41It's just I'd like to try it on to make sure it fits.

00:35:45No, no, of course not.

00:35:47Oh, good.

00:35:55Chunk half this, isn't it?

00:35:57Must cost a packet.

00:35:59I bet she does and all.

00:36:01Make yourself at home, won't you? I shan't be long.

00:36:05What about her, then? A bit of all right?

00:36:08Shan't be long. My husband's in cement.

00:36:11Bloody hell.

00:36:24Have you lost something?

00:36:27Balls.

00:36:29They fell off.

00:36:31Oh, never mind.

00:36:34You couldn't give me a hand with a zip, could you?

00:36:37It seems to be stuck and I don't want to break a nail on it.

00:36:41These birds and their zips.

00:36:44Jesus.

00:36:46It's a bit stiff.

00:36:48It won't be the only thing if she carries on like this.

00:36:51Yeah, see what you mean? It is stuck, isn't it?

00:36:54Maybe if you pull it.

00:36:56That had crossed my mind.

00:36:58Have you done it?

00:36:59Yeah, I think so.

00:37:01Seems a bit loose.

00:37:03Oh, look at that. Just look at it.

00:37:05Just so typical of today's workmanship.

00:37:07That's the last dress I shall buy from there.

00:37:10Yeah, disgraceful.

00:37:12Now, what shall I do?

00:37:20Well, it was the only thing I could think of, wasn't it?

00:38:06Another satisfied customer, and the dress did fit, after all.

00:38:10Six pou...

00:38:12I suppose I can't really ask her to be fair now.

00:38:36I promised that Nicky I'd pick her up from the club.

00:38:38Mustn't be late, in case she sets that snake on to me.

00:38:41This is the one, I think.

00:39:06Oh, my, there he goes.

00:39:08Twelve beautiful girls. Do everything.

00:39:11All naked, and they dance.

00:39:13Hey, where do you think you're going?

00:39:15Inside.

00:39:16Not without pay, is it?

00:39:18Oh, I'm not going in. Not to see the show.

00:39:20I'm just picking up Nicky, that's all.

00:39:22Yeah, you and a few others.

00:39:24No, honest, I'm OK.

00:39:26I'm not going to see the show.

00:39:28I'm just picking up Nicky, that's all.

00:39:30You and a few others.

00:39:32No, honest, I'm OK.

00:39:34No, honest, I'm a cab driver. Look, my cab's just outside.

00:39:37Yeah, it could be anyone's.

00:39:39Look, if you think we're all going to go and admit and share without paying,

00:39:42you've got another thing coming here.

00:39:43I'm telling you, I'm only here to collect Nicky.

00:39:45I mean, do us a favour, mate, I'll give you my licence number if you like.

00:39:48You can check it.

00:39:49I know all the taxi drivers around here, mate.

00:39:51I don't know your face.

00:39:52That's because I don't normally do this patch.

00:39:54I'm only here to collect Nicky.

00:39:56I live in the same flat as her, see?

00:39:59Oh, look, the one who went to bed with Monty.

00:40:03Oh, God.

00:40:05Oh, no, my accident, was it, or did you need the help?

00:40:09Oh, get out of here.

00:40:12Help.

00:40:26Sorry, mate.

00:40:33Sorry, mate.

00:40:34Sorry, mate.

00:40:58Joe, would you mind hanging on just a minute?

00:41:00I've just got to nick back and get Monty.

00:41:02No rush.

00:41:03Okay.

00:41:34Pocky?

00:41:35What?

00:41:36Are you coming or not?

00:41:37Well, if you're not quite ready, I don't mind.

00:41:47That's Helga.

00:41:48Oh.

00:41:50You can put your eyeballs back in.

00:41:52I've invited her for supper tonight.

00:41:55Foreign, is she?

00:41:57No.

00:41:58She's from England.

00:41:59Oh.

00:42:00Foreign, is she?

00:42:02No.

00:42:03She's a nun from Scunthorpe.

00:42:05Come on.

00:42:12It was lovely, Nicky.

00:42:13Mm.

00:42:14Oh, it was nothing special.

00:42:15Oh, I enjoyed it.

00:42:17Now what?

00:42:18Oh, I've got some yoghurt in the fridge.

00:42:20No, I meant, what shall we do now?

00:42:21You decide.

00:42:22Why don't we play a game, hmm?

00:42:24What about strip poker?

00:42:30Oh, come on.

00:42:31It might be fun.

00:42:32What do you say, Tom?

00:42:33No.

00:42:34He doesn't want to play.

00:42:35Oh, come on.

00:42:36Just for a giggle.

00:42:37Got any cards?

00:42:38Cards?

00:42:39Er...

00:42:40No.

00:42:42Well, how about spinning the bottle instead, hmm?

00:42:48Okay.

00:42:51Well, I think I'll read my book.

00:42:55You can always play strip Ouija board if you prefer.

00:42:57Ouija board?

00:42:58Royal Ouija board?

00:42:59And a spinner bottle.

00:43:30Cheers.

00:43:31Cheers.

00:44:00Cheers.

00:44:24PHONE RINGS

00:44:27Er...

00:44:28I'll get it.

00:44:37Where's Joe?

00:44:38I came to see him.

00:44:39Oh.

00:44:40Er, he's not in.

00:44:41He's out.

00:44:42No.

00:44:43His taxi's here.

00:44:44It's all right.

00:44:45He's expecting me.

00:44:54Hello.

00:44:55I'm Carol.

00:44:56Carol Hotchkiss.

00:44:57Joe's fiancée.

00:44:58I expect he's spoken of me.

00:45:00Which is his room?

00:45:01That one?

00:45:02Thank you, dear.

00:45:09Carol!

00:45:10Listen.

00:45:11I can explain.

00:45:18It's the third house along, on the right.

00:45:20Number 42.

00:45:21Right you are.

00:45:23Do you want a hand with those?

00:45:25Would you?

00:45:26Oh, thank you.

00:45:49You can just put them down here.

00:45:51Oh, that's all right.

00:45:52I don't mind carrying them in for you.

00:45:54That's very kind of you.

00:46:03I can't find my key.

00:46:04Are you sure?

00:46:05Perhaps it's in your bag loose.

00:46:08I'll try.

00:46:16It's not there.

00:46:19What about pockets?

00:46:20I haven't got any.

00:46:22What am I going to do?

00:46:23Perhaps you could go to a neighbour's, till your husband gets home.

00:46:26He's away.

00:46:27On a business trip.

00:46:28I can't even get hold of him.

00:46:31Don't you have a spare somewhere?

00:46:32Yes, of course.

00:46:33Oh, well then.

00:46:34It's inside.

00:46:35I thought you might have one under a flowerpot or something.

00:46:38Harold.

00:46:39That's my husband.

00:46:40Harold's nervous about burglars getting in.

00:46:42All very well, but how do I get in?

00:46:45I could try to climb in, I suppose.

00:46:47But you'll have to help me.

00:46:48You will, won't you?

00:46:50I can't leave a lady in distress, can I?

00:46:55Let's see if there's a window open somewhere.

00:46:57Oh, there won't be one of those.

00:47:21Hello.

00:47:47Thank you.

00:47:50You will be careful, won't you?

00:47:52Safe as houses, darling.

00:48:05Are you all right?

00:48:07What's happened?

00:48:09Are you all right?

00:48:11Say something, please!

00:48:15What's happening up there?

00:48:20I didn't know what had happened to you.

00:48:22I called and called, but you didn't answer.

00:48:24Are you all right?

00:48:26Yeah, I think so.

00:48:27Look, you go down and I'll open the front door.

00:48:29I can't.

00:48:30I'm stuck.

00:48:31What do you mean, stuck?

00:48:32Just go back down the way you came.

00:48:34I can't.

00:48:35I'll tender down.

00:48:36I'll fall.

00:48:37I'm frightened of heights.

00:48:38Look, it's quite simple.

00:48:39If you can't go down, you'd better come on up.

00:48:42I can't move.

00:48:43I'm scared.

00:48:44All right, then.

00:48:45Go back down the way you came.

00:48:46Help me.

00:48:48All right.

00:48:49Look, you're quite safe.

00:48:50Just do as I say, OK?

00:48:52Now, put one hand on the next rung up.

00:48:55Go on, one more.

00:48:56Now the other one.

00:48:58Keep going.

00:48:59You're OK.

00:49:00I'm watching you.

00:49:01Up a bit.

00:49:02No, down just a little.

00:49:03Now in.

00:49:04Towards the wall.

00:49:05That's it.

00:49:06Go on, you're doing fine.

00:49:07Come on.

00:49:09It's all right.

00:49:10You're nearly there.

00:49:12That's it.

00:49:13Now give me a hand.

00:49:14Lovely.

00:49:15I can't.

00:49:17You're doing wonderful.

00:49:19There you go.

00:49:21You're there.

00:49:22And through the window.

00:49:27Oh, you're all well.

00:49:30Oh, I should have warned you.

00:49:32I'm sorry.

00:49:33I completely forgot.

00:49:34And, of course, that's why I left the window open.

00:49:36Let the smell of paint out.

00:49:38Oh, and look at your clothes.

00:49:40They're covered in it.

00:49:41You have to let me wash them for you.

00:49:43You can't go out like that.

00:49:44Oh, well, that's very nice of you to offer.

00:49:46Well, I think the least I can do is clean your clothes and give you a bath, don't you?

00:49:55I do like hearing bubbly ones, don't you?

00:49:58Yeah.

00:50:00That's about right now.

00:50:04Oh, I can't wait to get in.

00:50:05Neither can I.

00:50:07Bubbles make me go all tingly all over.

00:50:09You as well?

00:50:17Oh, you look lovely.

00:50:19All tingly.

00:50:21What a way to go.

00:50:34Miriam?

00:50:46Yes?

00:50:55Miriam?

00:51:02Miriam?

00:51:03Where are you?

00:51:05Miriam, are you in the bath?

00:51:08Ah, there you are.

00:51:09Didn't you hear me shouting?

00:51:10Oh, darling.

00:51:11What a lovely surprise.

00:51:12I wasn't expecting you.

00:51:14What a complete shambles.

00:51:15The whole trip.

00:51:16Oh, you poor love.

00:51:17Why don't you go downstairs, put your feet up and pour yourself out a nice long drink

00:51:21and I'll join you and you can tell me all about it.

00:51:23Well, there's nothing to tell.

00:51:24The entire fiasco was predictable from start to finish

00:51:27and you know who's responsible, don't you?

00:51:29Well, I told him.

00:51:30I warned him.

00:51:31Yes, you did.

00:51:32You put Peters in as acting managing director

00:51:34and you've got nothing but trouble on your hands, I said.

00:51:37He can't cope with responsibility.

00:51:39He's got no initiative.

00:51:41Runs a Ford Anglia and doesn't play golf.

00:51:43You've marked my words.

00:51:45Well, I've been proved right yet again.

00:51:47That's wonderful.

00:51:49Now, why don't you just go downstairs?

00:51:51Wonderful?

00:51:52It's frustrating.

00:51:53Well, it's insulting.

00:51:55Oh, I quite agree.

00:51:56Now, why don't you just let me finish my bath and I'll be straight with you.

00:52:01Yes, I could do with a drink.

00:52:07What was that?

00:52:08Nothing.

00:52:09Just knocked the plug, that's all.

00:52:11Oh.

00:52:15Oh, darling, can I get you anything?

00:52:17What?

00:52:18To drink.

00:52:19No, just go downstairs and I'll...

00:52:20Marion, is it really necessary to use all that much bubble bath?

00:52:24You only bought this last week and you've already finished it.

00:52:27You really must be more careful in future.

00:52:29I can't afford extravagance of this sort.

00:52:31I mean, how you expect me to raise my housekeeping allowance

00:52:34in the face of such flagrant wastage, I really don't know.

00:52:39You really must put yourself together, you know.

00:52:41You're getting very careless lately.

00:52:43Won't do, you know.

00:52:44No, won't do.

00:52:47It's all right.

00:52:50Marion, I meant to ask you,

00:52:51what on earth have you been doing in the bedroom?

00:52:54There's paint all over the place.

00:52:56It's a terrible mess.

00:52:57It's the decorators.

00:52:58It was meant to be a surprise.

00:53:00Surprise?

00:53:01I should think the only surprise I'd get would be the bill.

00:53:03Don't suppose you thought to get an estimate first?

00:53:06Oh, Harold!

00:53:08Never mind, don't upset yourself.

00:53:10No, I expect you...

00:53:12You meant well, yes, like Peter said.

00:53:14He meant well, I expect.

00:53:16Incompetent clodhopper.

00:53:17But would the board listen?

00:53:18Would they listen?

00:53:19Please, Harold, the water's getting cold.

00:53:22Oh, yes, well...

00:53:25Yes, but you have your bath and...

00:53:27Don't you worry about a thing.

00:53:29It was a lovely surprise

00:53:32to find paint all over the bedroom.

00:53:34Yes, I think I do need a drink.

00:53:37It's all right now.

00:53:38It's all right now.

00:53:40Come on, quick.

00:53:42Come on.

00:53:51I brought you a drink, darling.

00:53:52I thought you might like one.

00:53:55Oh, you mustn't stand about like that.

00:53:56Not with the window open.

00:53:58No, no, no.

00:53:59You'll catch your death.

00:54:12Oh, no.

00:54:42Sorry, mate, I'm not...

00:54:43St Barry's Convent, Upton Road.

00:54:45Yes, but...

00:55:13Of all the rotten luck,

00:55:14anyone else but a nun.

00:55:17I couldn't very well tell her to F off now, could I?

00:55:29I wonder if I could trouble you

00:55:30to help me with my cases.

00:55:36I'm sorry.

00:55:38I'm sorry.

00:55:39I'm sorry.

00:55:40I'm sorry.

00:55:41I'm sorry.

00:56:11I'm sorry.

00:56:25Oh, I thought I heard you coming.

00:56:26It's cost me a bloody fortune in jeans, this job.

00:56:28How come?

00:56:29I keep losing them.

00:56:31Oh, by the way,

00:56:32your brother phoned up while you were out.

00:56:33What, Peter?

00:56:34Yeah.

00:56:35He said something about having a whole lot of television sets.

00:56:37Did we need one?

00:56:38Bloody hell.

00:56:39Why, what's the matter?

00:56:41Look, if he phones up again,

00:56:42tell him, er...

00:56:43I don't know,

00:56:44tell him I've left the country, anything.

00:56:46Why? You don't speak to him then?

00:56:47Not if I can avoid it.

00:56:49I've got enough problems in me own life

00:56:50without getting lumbered with him and his thieving.

00:56:53I may get into a few scrapes now and again,

00:56:55but that's one thing I've always stayed well clear of.

00:56:57Crime and all that.

00:57:10You know what this is, buddy?

00:57:11It's a gun.

00:57:17Just keep your mouth shut.

00:57:18Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.

00:57:20I said shut up and get going.

00:57:23Now, if you make one wrong move and you're dead.

00:57:26Understand?

00:57:28Just if you don't want to get hurt,

00:57:30I'm going to kill you.

00:57:32I'm going to kill you.

00:57:33I'm going to kill you.

00:57:34I'm going to kill you.

00:57:35I'm going to kill you.

00:57:36I'm going to kill you.

00:57:37I'm going to kill you.

00:57:38Just stick to the driving.

00:57:40Keep your eyes on the road

00:57:41and you and me will get along just fine.

00:57:44Now, drive south.

00:57:46And no funny business.

00:57:48I know this town like I know my own face.

00:57:49If you ask me, we should have rugged her out there and then.

00:57:52I'll get no troubles with her stiff.

00:57:53Nobody's asking you, so shut up.

00:57:56Suppose your old man wants to talk to her.

00:57:58Ain't nobody going to pay no ransom for a stiff, dumb head.

00:58:01We've got to keep her alive to get the dough.

00:58:04Do you get it?

00:58:05Yeah.

00:58:06Maybe she's already seen us,

00:58:07so why bother with all this stuff?

00:58:08So when we call up her old man,

00:58:10you want her to tell him where we stashed her?

00:58:12I'll get it through that thick skull of yours, dumb head.

00:58:14What she don't know, she can't tell.

00:58:16Okay?

00:58:18Then we rub her out.

00:58:20Just stick to the road, pal, like I told you.

00:58:23Shut that moron up, will you?

00:58:25Do her right.

00:58:26Now!

00:58:30Listen, bird brain,

00:58:31we don't snuff her unless there's no other way.

00:58:34What if something goes wrong?

00:58:35So long as you follow orders, nothing will.

00:58:38Take the next turning on the left.

00:58:40And keep it real cool and steady.

00:58:43I am going to do something,

00:58:44as soon as I get the chance.

00:58:46Bit difficult with a gun pointing at my head, though.

00:58:53Okay, buddy.

00:58:55Turn left through those gates.

00:59:03Keep going.

00:59:06Further.

00:59:08That's it.

00:59:09Now pull up.

00:59:12Get that broad out of the cab.

00:59:14Here, give me all the rubbing mount too.

00:59:16I mean, what's to stop him shooting his mouth off?

00:59:19Okay, buddy.

00:59:20Out of the cab.

00:59:21Nice and easy now.

00:59:23No sudden moves or this baby goes off.

00:59:26All right, buddy.

00:59:27Out of the cab.

00:59:28Keep it cool.

00:59:29Put your hands on your head.

00:59:31Now turn around.

00:59:32Come on, turn around.

00:59:33Now get moving.

00:59:35Turn around.

00:59:50Get up.

01:00:03Come on, hands against the wall.

01:00:13Look, come on, you can relax now.

01:00:15Look at him.

01:00:16He fell for it.

01:00:18I don't believe it.

01:00:19Look at his face.

01:00:22Look, I'm sorry if we scared you.

01:00:24The whole thing was a joke.

01:00:25Everything.

01:00:26You see, we were at this party.

01:00:29And someone suggested we do a little dance.

01:00:31And someone suggested that we wouldn't dare try it in the street.

01:00:34And the no cabbie would believe it.

01:00:36So they bet us 20 quid to do it.

01:00:38No hard feelings?

01:00:39No hard feelings.

01:00:40I've been losing fares while you've been doing all this.

01:00:47Oh, don't forget to get the paper signed.

01:00:49Oh, yes.

01:00:50I almost forgot about that.

01:00:51Look, we have to bring back some kind of proof that we actually did it.

01:00:54Look, do you think you'd mind signing your name to this bit of paper?

01:00:57And if you could add your cab number, that would be great.

01:01:01Yeah.

01:01:09Thanks, mate.

01:01:32Ain't no love gonna knock me out of my wood

01:01:38I can't stay

01:01:41All you gotta say now tonight

01:01:46We're gonna have a good time

01:01:50We're gonna have a good time

01:01:54It's true

01:01:57Cause the roof is gonna get me down off this roof

01:02:01It's a lie

01:02:04I just can't live right up in this sky now

01:02:10I wanna say

01:02:12To everybody

01:02:14It's true

01:02:15Hey, it's true

01:02:18We're gonna have a good time

01:02:22We're gonna have a good time

01:02:29Hello, Maisie.

01:02:30Hello, Joe.

01:02:32Well, come on, love.

01:02:33Don't be nervous.

01:02:34I won't bite you off.

01:02:39Where to, darling?

01:02:40Oh, the usual, love.

01:02:41What, round the block?

01:02:42Yeah, that'll do.

01:02:43Just keep on driving.

01:02:44I'll give you a yell when I'm finished.

01:02:45Right.

01:02:46Here.

01:02:47You heard about Glenda, didn't you?

01:02:48Oh, sorry, love.

01:02:49Be with you in a minute.

01:02:51Glenda?

01:02:52Yeah.

01:02:53She married an Arab she picked up.

01:02:55I thought I hadn't seen her around.

01:02:56Yeah.

01:02:57An Arab.

01:02:58With oil wells and everything.

01:02:59Nah.

01:03:00Mind you, it was only a matter of time before she hooked some old geezer.

01:03:03It's funny.

01:03:04I'd never have thought that about her.

01:03:05What, getting married?

01:03:06Yeah.

01:03:07What, Glenda?

01:03:08You're joking.

01:03:09Every time she opened her mouth, a wedding bell popped out.

01:03:13So how's business with you?

01:03:14Oh, well, it's quietened down a bit now the tourist season's over, but I don't do so bad.

01:03:20Tell you what, love.

01:03:21You get it out and start practising and I'll join you in a minute.

01:03:25Here, Joe.

01:03:26Could I have this one on credit?

01:03:27You know, I've just had the electricity bill in.

01:03:30Yeah, that's okay.

01:03:31Oh, you are lovely.

01:03:33I'll make it up next time, I promise.

01:03:35Don't worry about it.

01:03:36It's my pleasure.

01:03:37Tell you what, I didn't half get a flight the other week.

01:03:40I thought I'd caught a dose, didn't I?

01:03:42All right.

01:03:43Don't worry.

01:03:45You have a very nasty cough there.

01:03:47You should get it seen to.

01:03:48You might be serious.

01:03:50That's the fourth one I've had this week with a cold.

01:03:52Only hope to God I don't go down with it.

01:03:54That's my trouble, you know.

01:03:55Anything that's going around, I seem to pick up.

01:03:58Yeah, I had noticed.

01:03:59Anyway, love.

01:04:00Can't sit here chatting all day.

01:04:02I've got to get back to work.

01:04:03Oh, my God!

01:04:33Thank you.

01:04:54Something tells me this could be my lucky night.

01:04:57Number 24, you said?

01:04:5924, yes.

01:05:01You're a sexy little sex bomb, this one.

01:05:03I mean, you can tell from that voice, can't you?

01:05:05All husky and sexy.

01:05:08I reckon this one will need the smooth, suave, James Bond-type cheddar.

01:05:11You, er...

01:05:13You in the movies, then?

01:05:15Sorry?

01:05:16No, it's just that I thought I recognised your face from somewhere.

01:05:19I'd swear I'd seen you on the telly or the pictures.

01:05:22Somewhere like that.

01:05:23Possibly.

01:05:24I knew it.

01:05:25I knew you were in show business.

01:05:28Are you famous, then?

01:05:29Well, if I was, you'd know who I am, wouldn't you?

01:05:32Yeah, well, I do.

01:05:33It's just that your name escapes me for the moment, that's all.

01:05:36Bunny McQueen.

01:05:37Bunny McQueen, of course.

01:05:40How could I ever forget that?

01:05:42Bunny McQueen?

01:05:44Oh, I get it, Bunny.

01:05:46Must work at that Playboy club.

01:05:48You know, one of those birds with long, floppy ears, all dressed up like rabbits.

01:05:52Oh, yeah, probably been in that Playboy magazine.

01:05:55You know, playmate of the month.

01:05:59I bet if I looked, I'd find a picture of you on Tom's garage wall.

01:06:02Who's Tom?

01:06:03Oh, he's a guy I live with.

01:06:05Is he nice?

01:06:06Yeah, he's all right.

01:06:07He's not as nice as you, though.

01:06:10She fancies me, don't she?

01:06:12Oh, I'm in here if I play me cards right.

01:06:25Make yourself at home.

01:06:30Sit down, relax.

01:06:32Well, I should sit over there, if I were you.

01:06:34It's more comfortable.

01:06:39I'll just get the wine.

01:06:43There we are.

01:06:45Well, here we are, then.

01:06:49Have you been together long?

01:06:51What?

01:06:52This boy you live with.

01:06:53Oh, Tom?

01:06:54No, just a few weeks.

01:06:55Well, we've known each other for a long time.

01:06:57No, just a few weeks.

01:06:58Well, we've known each other for a couple of years now,

01:07:00but we've only been living together a short time.

01:07:02Well, he's not going to get jealous if he comes back and finds me here.

01:07:05No, he'll probably fancy you himself.

01:07:09Oh, let me.

01:07:14Oh, must need a new flint.

01:07:16Hang on, I've got some matches somewhere.

01:07:19Sorry about that.

01:07:34I think that's a really great outfit you're wearing.

01:07:36Oh, do you like it?

01:07:38I design all my own clothes.

01:07:40Yeah, well, it looks terrific.

01:07:42I suppose I shouldn't really be wearing it.

01:07:44It's a bit too much.

01:07:46It looks terrific.

01:07:47I suppose I shouldn't really be wearing it now.

01:07:49But after I've finished work, I just want to get away.

01:07:51I can't be bothered to change.

01:07:53Oh, no, you mustn't change.

01:07:54I mean, you look great as you are.

01:07:56A real turn-on, honest.

01:07:58It's a tough one, this.

01:08:00Oh, do you want me to do it?

01:08:02No, no, it's all right.

01:08:03Get it out in a minute.

01:08:05Come on, why don't you let me try?

01:08:07No, you'll never do it.

01:08:12You've got the glasses ready.

01:08:13What?

01:08:14Oh, yeah.

01:08:17Sorry, we're a bit short on glasses.

01:08:27Well, this is very nice.

01:08:31Thank you.

01:08:32I think you're very nice.

01:08:34You, er, comfortable, are you?

01:08:37Mm, thank you.

01:08:39I think you're really something.

01:08:41Really, I do.

01:08:44I hope you won't mind if I say this,

01:08:47but I think you've got the most beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen.

01:08:51Really beautiful.

01:08:53Yes, yet they're much better now.

01:08:55Mind you, they cost me a fortune.

01:08:57So, um, why don't we give them a little air to breathe, eh?

01:09:06You've got lovely legs and all.

01:09:08Really lovely.

01:09:10I had to shave them, of course.

01:09:13HE CHUCKLES

01:09:15Bloody hell!

01:09:17What's the matter?

01:09:18You! You're Othello!

01:09:20But of course I am. What did you think I was?

01:09:23I wonder if I could have him under the Trace Descriptions Act.

01:09:43HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

01:10:07Fast, your Majesty!

01:10:09Get going, Mr Fast!

01:10:12Help! Help, I'm enrolled!

01:10:19Must have gone to the same party.

01:10:21Still, ten at a time, I should care. I'll play the game.

01:10:23Can't you go any faster?

01:10:25I do my best, but watch out for the law. I don't want to get done.

01:10:27Yeah, we'll take care of that. Just drive.

01:10:29Lift!

01:10:30My goodness, a horn!

01:10:32All cars, all cars west.

01:10:34A robbery in Pride Street.

01:10:36Your attention is called to a black London taxi

01:10:38believed to contain suspects.

01:10:41What do we do, stop them all?

01:10:43Turn right, just where that van is.

01:10:45Wouldn't it be easier if you told me where we're making for?

01:10:47I mean, we could have an accident at this rate.

01:10:49Look, I'm giving the orders round here, so shut up and keep driving.

01:10:52Oh, well, I suppose I've got to come on heavy,

01:10:54otherwise it wouldn't count.

01:10:56I wonder when they'll get round to the bit about doing me in.

01:10:58Not as good as the last lot.

01:11:00Ah, much more realistic, they were.

01:11:02We being followed?

01:11:06Don't think so.

01:11:08That's all right. We're going in the opposite direction.

01:11:11It's all clear, he won't drop us off at the end here.

01:11:13Are you kidding? He's coming with us.

01:11:15We may need a hostage.

01:11:17Look, mate, why don't I just drop you here like your mate suggested, eh?

01:11:19Then I can sign your paper and you can be on your way.

01:11:21Paper?

01:11:22I just think it would save us all a lot of time, that's all.

01:11:24What paper? What are you talking about?

01:11:26You know, for your mate's.

01:11:27I hereby declare I've done the dreadful deed and all that rubbish.

01:11:29I won't tell them I cottoned on.

01:11:31Listen, just shut up and keep driving.

01:11:34Oh, come on now, don't let's get carried away.

01:11:36I mean, a joke's a joke, but I keep losing business doing this, lad.

01:11:38Yeah, it won't be the only thing you'll lose. You don't boat up.

01:11:41Oh, look, fair is fair, but you go too far.

01:11:43I'm not going to sign your paper. I'm warning you, so just watch your step.

01:11:45I'll see you.

01:11:46Left, sharp left.

01:11:50Hang about. What's all this, then?

01:11:52Go right down the end of the garage, drive right in.

01:11:55Oh, I get it, I get it.

01:11:57You will if you don't boat up.

01:11:59It's bleeding Tom, innit?

01:12:01I mean, I told him about the other kidnap and he thought...

01:12:04Very funny.

01:12:23What are you doing here?

01:12:24You should know. What a bloody prank.

01:12:26Look, it's costing me money, this game.

01:12:28You know him.

01:12:30Course he bloody knows me. I live here, don't I?

01:12:32Er, what happened? Where's the car?

01:12:35Parked on a double yellow line, didn't he?

01:12:37We do the job, come rushing out with the stuff,

01:12:39there's a getaway car being done for parking.

01:12:41Had to come back by cab.

01:12:43And in front of the cabs in London, you had to pick...

01:12:46Ha ha! Oh, no!

01:12:53I still say we can't trust him.

01:12:55I'm telling you, he's a mate. He's not going to shop us.

01:12:57I won't, I won't.

01:12:58And I say we shouldn't chance it.

01:13:00I'm not going to say anything.

01:13:01As far as I'm concerned, it never happened.

01:13:03I don't know nothing about it.

01:13:04See? Now, I'll guarantee you. Now, don't worry.

01:13:06Don't worry?

01:13:07How much do you think I'm worth?

01:13:09Now, look, Nicky, we haven't got time for all that.

01:13:11Love, take them off, please.

01:13:12I knew I'd look good in expensive things.

01:13:14Yeah, you look lovely. Now, get them off.

01:13:16Right, well, if you've all finished with me,

01:13:18I think I'd better get back to work.

01:13:20Sit down. You ain't going anywhere.

01:13:22Yeah, well, I just thought...

01:13:23Well, don't.

01:13:26You expecting anyone?

01:13:27It's all right. It's not the law.

01:13:30And I thought taxi driving was a strain.

01:13:32Right, let's get this stuff away somewhere.

01:13:34It's making me nervous lying around the place.

01:13:36Yeah, where are you going to put it?

01:13:37Huh, I know a place where no one will look. Nicky?

01:13:40Oh, I'm here, Monty.

01:13:46Christ Almighty!

01:13:47Hello.

01:13:48What are you doing here?

01:13:49You two know each other?

01:13:50Yeah, he's my brother, isn't he?

01:13:56Bloody hell, what's that?

01:13:58A hippopotamus.

01:14:00What the hell are you doing mixed up in all this?

01:14:02Well, I'm in the bedtime now, aren't I?

01:14:04I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

01:14:06I was driving the getaway car, wasn't I?

01:14:08Oh, yeah. Parked on a double yellow line.

01:14:10I've done it before and never got nicked.

01:14:12So tell us what happened.

01:14:13Nothing happened. I got a bollocking.

01:14:15You lot came running out of the shop with the stuff.

01:14:17Well, the copper, he forgot about me, so I drove off.

01:14:20Yeah, we should have been with you.

01:14:22Well, it looks like you managed to pick up a cab all right, don't it?

01:14:25Little bleeder. Oh, do you?

01:14:26I saw what happened.

01:14:27Didn't know it was Joe driving it, though.

01:14:29How much did he charge you?

01:14:31I think you're very funny, don't you, eh?

01:14:33Come on, Harry, lay off.

01:14:35Yeah, well, how do we know he wasn't followed?

01:14:36Bloody amateur coming straight back here.

01:14:38So what else was I supposed to do?

01:14:40It wasn't me that were following.

01:14:41Yeah, well, any more cheating and I'll lay one on you so hard

01:14:43my fist will come out the back of your head.

01:14:45Take it easy, Harry, yeah?

01:14:46The kid didn't mean nothing. Just let it rest, OK?

01:14:48Trouble is, my friends, what do we do now?

01:14:50I mean, for all we know, they might have taken Joe's number.

01:14:53For all we know, they might be on the way round here right now.

01:14:56Taken my number?

01:14:57Oh, that's great, that is. That's really landed me in it.

01:15:00Tom's right. We ought to split before they get on to us.

01:15:02Yeah, we'll meet up tomorrow like we planned.

01:15:05Too late, they're here.

01:15:09Can't see anyone.

01:15:10Well, it's not ringing on its own.

01:15:12Who is it?

01:15:13If nobody makes a sound, perhaps they'll go away.

01:15:17Look, maybe you'd better go and see who it is.

01:15:19What? You want me to go?

01:15:21You stay right where you are.

01:15:23Yeah, go on.

01:15:27It's no use hiding. I know you're in there, John North.

01:15:30Bloody hell, that's all I need.

01:15:32Answer this door or I'll scream the police down.

01:15:35You let me in or I'm warning you I'll get the police to knock the door in.

01:15:41Carol.

01:15:42You took your time, didn't you? Where is he?

01:15:44Who? Oh, Joe.

01:15:48Who do you think I meant? Mickey Mouse?

01:15:50He's out. Working.

01:15:53What? When his taxi's here?

01:15:55What's he driving? Awesome cart?

01:15:57His taxi's not here. He's out, isn't it?

01:16:00Really? Well, I have just bumped into the tall lady from number three

01:16:04with a toy poodle and a blue rinse.

01:16:06And according to her, Joe's taxi drove into your garage ten minutes ago.

01:16:11So unless it's gone straight through your back wall, it's still here, isn't it?

01:16:16Well, you see, I wouldn't know about that because I was asleep.

01:16:22He's up there, isn't he?

01:16:25He's up there with another bloody bird.

01:16:29Joe, get rid of her.

01:16:31What am I supposed to do?

01:16:33If I find you in a compromising position with your knickers down, I'll...

01:16:36Hello.

01:16:39Didn't know you had company.

01:16:41Hello, Carol.

01:16:43I just came to tell you that I've forgiven you

01:16:46for what you was doing last time I saw you.

01:16:48Oh, thank you.

01:16:50Yes. I've thought it over very carefully

01:16:53and I decided that what you did was a moment of weakness on your behalf.

01:16:57So I have forgiven you.

01:16:59Great.

01:17:00I thought you'd be pleased.

01:17:01Yeah, great.

01:17:03Well, aren't you going to introduce me...

01:17:08to your friends?

01:17:09Oh, yes. Um, this is Peter.

01:17:12Yes, I know Peter. And Tom and that Nicky as well.

01:17:15And, um, this is, uh, Jeremy.

01:17:18Jimmy, pleased to meet you.

01:17:19And, uh, Rupert.

01:17:21Pleased to meet you.

01:17:22I'm Joe's fiancée, Carol Hotchkiss.

01:17:25Actually, Harry, um, Bernard and Jim were just about to leave.

01:17:28Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're going.

01:17:31Yeah.

01:17:32Yeah.

01:17:33Yeah.

01:17:34Bye, Rupert.

01:17:35Nice to have met you.

01:17:39What did you say they do for a living?

01:17:40Insurance. Bank computers.

01:17:45What's going on?

01:17:47What do you mean? Nothing. Why?

01:17:50Is there something I'm not supposed to know about?

01:17:53It's just that I get the impression...

01:17:56I mean, what's he doing here for a start?

01:17:58Just come to see my brother, haven't I?

01:18:02You've got someone here, haven't you?

01:18:04Another woman!

01:18:05Another naked tart in the bedroom!

01:18:08Oh, for God's sake, look.

01:18:09There's no one here but us, that's all.

01:18:10How am I supposed to know that?

01:18:12Well, you've just got a suspicious mind.

01:18:13That's your trouble.

01:18:14Worse than the CIA.

01:18:15Into everything.

01:18:16If I caught you with another woman,

01:18:18Joan would also help me.

01:18:19I would kill you, I would.

01:18:20Especially after I've forgiven you

01:18:22for your misdemeanour.

01:18:24Listen, darling,

01:18:25you know you're the only girl in the world for me.

01:18:27It's just that, um, I've learnt my lesson.

01:18:30Come on, let's go down to the pub and have a drink, eh?

01:18:32Do you really mean that?

01:18:34Yes, I'm thirsty. I could do with one.

01:18:35No.

01:18:36About me being the only girl in the world.

01:18:38Of course I do.

01:18:39Come on.

01:18:40Oh, well, don't push me, all right?

01:18:41I mean, the pub's aren't even open yet.

01:18:43So? We can wait.

01:18:44Which way did you want to go to?

01:18:46Just a little bit.

01:18:47Yeah.

01:18:48Oh, come on.

01:18:49Thank God for that.

01:18:53Good day, sir.

01:18:55Madam?

01:18:56Going somewhere, were we?

01:18:58Who are you?

01:18:59Do you mind if we step inside, sir?

01:19:01What did you want?

01:19:02If you don't mind, sir.

01:19:09No, you see, we were just on our way out.

01:19:10So I had noticed.

01:19:11Yes, we were waiting till the pub's opened.

01:19:14Inspector Rogers, CID.

01:19:16And this is Sergeant Jeeves.

01:19:18Afternoon, all.

01:19:20I rather thought you might be able to help us with our enquiries.

01:19:23Oh, what's been happening?

01:19:26Oi, you've got to search, Warren.

01:19:28Why? You hiding something?

01:19:32You're with him, and you're with him.

01:19:36Right?

01:19:39So, who were you with?

01:19:41Myself.

01:19:42Myself.

01:19:43Joe, what's this all about?

01:19:45You're a bit young to be in this sort of league, aren't you?

01:19:47I didn't know there was an age limit.

01:19:49Look, what are we supposed to be helping his enquiries with?

01:19:51Carol, love.

01:19:53It's to do with sex, isn't it?

01:19:55You've been having orgies up here, haven't you?

01:19:57That's what it is, isn't it? Orgies.

01:19:59No, ma'am.

01:20:00Well, it must be something like that.

01:20:02I mean, if Joe's anything to do with it, it must be sexy.

01:20:04You've got a one-track mind, you have.

01:20:06All right, if it's not orgies, what is it then?

01:20:08You might say it's a little treasure hunt.

01:20:11Joe, what have you got yourself mixed up with now?

01:20:13Nothing.

01:20:14I bet you have, especially if there's a woman involved.

01:20:17Listen, there's nothing up here.

01:20:19Not according to your two friends.

01:20:21We've got them outside.

01:20:22Picked them up a few minutes ago.

01:20:24What two friends?

01:20:25We know all about your little caper at the jeweller's.

01:20:27I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talking about.

01:20:30Why don't you just come clean?

01:20:32Your friends have.

01:20:35Found any little trinkets yet?

01:20:37Not yet, sir.

01:20:38You're not going to find anything yet, are you?

01:20:40I'm not going to find anything, you know.

01:20:42We'll see.

01:20:43Life's full of little surprises, isn't it?

01:20:45Jesus Christ!

01:20:46I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to shout.

01:20:48It's just there's a bloody snake in there.

01:20:50That is Monty.

01:20:51He is my speciality.

01:20:53And he's very highly strung.

01:20:55Please don't upset him.

01:20:56He's got a performance tonight.

01:20:58There's nothing there, sir.

01:20:59Told you.

01:21:00Yeah, I've just realised.

01:21:02You're looking for stolen property.

01:21:05Callum, why don't you belt up?

01:21:07Look at the cheek of it.

01:21:08You're coming in here and searching this place like little criminals.

01:21:11Oh, you, tell him, Joe.

01:21:12Go on, tell him.

01:21:13Carol, Carol, will you shut up, Carol?

01:21:15Go on, go on, tell him.

01:21:17Ask to see his search warrant.

01:21:19Go on, ask, ask.

01:21:20Go on, go on.

01:21:21If you don't ask, I shall never speak to you again,

01:21:24even though I have forgiven you.

01:21:27Have you got something to say, then?

01:21:29Well, um, Inspector...

01:21:30Go on, go on, tell him to get out.

01:21:32Er, yes, um...

01:21:33And tell him to apologise.

01:21:34Tell him you know your rights.

01:21:35Tell him you'll sue him for liable if he don't apologise.

01:21:37She'll get me jailed for life.

01:21:39Go on, Joe, tell him.

01:21:40Joe is my fiancée.

01:21:42Well, um, Inspector, as you don't appear to have found anything...

01:21:45That's right, really lay it on him.

01:21:47I suggest we, um, call it a day, don't you?

01:21:51That's a bit pathetic, isn't it?

01:21:53Carol!

01:21:54I mean, he's just called us a bunch of criminals.

01:21:56We could sue him for that.

01:21:57Excuse me, ma'am.

01:21:58I haven't called any of you criminals.

01:22:01Yet.

01:22:02Oh, yes, you did, I heard you.

01:22:04You said we had stolen goods.

01:22:06What sort of people do you think we are?

01:22:08Accusing us of being criminals.

01:22:09We are respectable, we are.

01:22:11I have never done anything criminal in my life.

01:22:13I work in a supermarket.

01:22:15Nicky.

01:22:16And as for Joe, well, he's a taxi driver.

01:22:18And Peter is, well...

01:22:20And as for Tom, well, you could hardly call him a criminal.

01:22:23He's a mechanic.

01:22:24Nicky.

01:22:25And Nicky, well, she's respectable.

01:22:26She's a stripper.

01:22:27Nicky.

01:22:28And so the last thing you could ever find in this place

01:22:30would be stolen property.

01:23:04I know.

01:23:14Just been visiting Tom, poor bastard.

01:23:16Got five years, him and his mates.

01:23:18I thought I was going to go down myself at one point.

01:23:20But as I explained to them, I was a victim of the circumstances.

01:23:23And they let me off with a caution.

01:23:25Mind you, I think they were glad to see the back of me.

01:23:27Because Carol was pestering the life out of them.

01:23:29Nicky got out of it all right.

01:23:31Probation, first offence.

01:23:33Tom's asked me to keep an eye on her for him.

01:23:35That's a favour I shan't mind doing.

01:23:37Lost me a lot of time there, all this business with the law.

01:23:40Lost me a place to live and all.

01:23:42Guess where I've ended up?

01:23:45Nothing like home cooking, is there?

01:23:47Not like your home cooking, there isn't.

01:23:49Carol rang up, said she'd be round at six.

01:23:52You were taking her out.

01:23:53Oh, yeah, that's really lumbered me in it, that is.

01:23:56Well, the only good thing that's come out of this is you.

01:23:58Getting off on probation.

01:23:59Really shook you up, that bus with the law.

01:24:01Good thing, too. Turned over a new leaf, you have.

01:24:04You still eat anything that lies stood on a plate, though, don't you?

01:24:07Still, you've learnt your lesson. I'm glad to see it.

01:24:09Good to see you going straight.

01:24:12Oh, I'm off. Where's me fares book?

01:24:18Bloody hell!

01:24:19Here.

01:24:20Don't you bloody swear in front of the baby.

01:24:23Teachers are bad habits.

01:24:31Also, no.

01:24:33We've had all that confusion last week.

01:24:35Hello, darling. Which bridge do you want this time?

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