Category
ðĨ
Short filmTranscript
00:00:30This is Hoffman's head.
00:00:31Hey, headlights, I'm gonna open up your fan mail
00:00:35to Garrett Hoffman.
00:00:36Well, that's me.
00:00:38Ah!
00:00:40The note says, Garrett, my pet earthworm had babies
00:00:44and I'm giving them to you to raise.
00:00:48From Tony.
00:00:49All right, I'm just going fucking crazy!
00:00:52I can't control this, but.
00:00:53Ah!
00:00:56What's the first word that comes to your mind
00:00:58when you think of air?
00:00:59Light white, see?
00:01:01What is it?
00:01:03What is it?
00:01:06In our laboratories,
00:01:07we did scientific side-by-side tests.
00:01:11Breathing air versus breathing.
00:01:12Chicken broth.
00:01:15Air is better.
00:01:16You literally bought a cane to a gunfighter.
00:01:18Why don't you just derail the train, Garrett?
00:01:20Nothing shall be easy.
00:01:22It's Assassin's Creed, it must be a dash!
00:01:24Wait, but who's, ah!
00:01:25Who's winning?
00:01:25So, so he's getting it.
00:01:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:01:31Oh my God, they're on my face, they're on my face!
00:01:33You know, I have no idea why,
00:01:35but the first thing that comes to my mind
00:01:36when I think of the word air is airy.
00:01:39Talcum powder.
00:01:43Air is better.
00:01:44Hey, thank you for letting us into your devices.
00:01:46Next time on Cooking with Serial Killers,
00:01:48Jeffrey Dahmer is back with tips on summer grilling.
00:01:51It's gonna be great.
00:01:53Check here for bloopers and outtakes
00:01:55and like, share, follow, and subscribe.
00:01:58Like, share, follow.
00:02:00For more, please like, share, follow.
00:02:03Like, share, follow, and of course, subscribe.
00:02:07Okay.
00:02:08Rolling.
00:02:10We hit two million!
00:02:12The antimatter hyperdrive can't take those numbers!
00:02:15For the love of God, man, tell them to stop subscribing.
00:02:18Wait, what, how many?
00:02:20Two million!
00:02:22Yes, two million of you insaniacs
00:02:24have volunteered to get my head
00:02:26delivered to your heads on a daily basis.
00:02:28So I just wanna say thank you, gracias, merci,
00:02:30danke, arigato.
00:02:32And while this is Hoffman's head,
00:02:33it would not be possible without Kiki Lee
00:02:37and the incurable Lau Boris.
00:02:39Give them some love!
00:02:41But of course, the real people
00:02:43I couldn't have done this without is you guys.
00:02:46My headlights, the Hoffman heads.
00:02:48I mean it, I really can't believe you're all out there
00:02:51carrying my head around in your pockets
00:02:52and checking in with my head in your desks.
00:02:54It's crazy.
00:02:56But you have changed my life
00:02:57and you have made my dreams come true.
00:03:00And I love you guys.
00:03:01I really do.
00:03:03I really do.
00:03:05Like a lot.
00:03:10That's gross.
00:03:21Hello.
00:03:23Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26A box 1754, please.
00:03:30Oh.
00:03:31Yeah, I've been trying to figure you out.
00:03:34Oh, don't do that.
00:03:37I really couldn't resist.
00:03:40So, what did you come up with?
00:03:45Well, I thought you might recognize me.
00:03:48Well, I thought you might run
00:03:51a mental hospital for teenagers.
00:03:53Kind of, yeah.
00:03:56I'm on YouTube.
00:03:57Well, what are you, a lolcat?
00:03:59What, you don't think I could be a lolcat?
00:04:01I can Haas cheeseburger.
00:04:02Oh, really?
00:04:03Yeah.
00:04:04This is America and you can be whatever you dream.
00:04:07Thank you.
00:04:08Yeah, rock on.
00:04:12I'm Garrett.
00:04:14Shell.
00:04:16Shell.
00:04:18Like Michelle, but.
00:04:23Hydrology.
00:04:25Your book.
00:04:27You like fluid mechanics?
00:04:29Yeah.
00:04:30Yes, it's great, I love it.
00:04:31What is your favorite thing about it?
00:04:35One thing.
00:04:36One thing.
00:04:37One thing.
00:04:39My favorite thing about fluid mechanics.
00:04:41Yes.
00:04:42Is.
00:04:43Is the mechanics of it all.
00:04:45The mechanics.
00:04:46Yeah.
00:04:48Hoffman's head, that's you?
00:04:50Mm-hmm, that's my head.
00:04:52I will check it out.
00:04:53And if I like it, I'll put kissy lips on a postcard
00:04:55and leave it in your box.
00:04:58Okay.
00:05:01Okay.
00:05:11Can I borrow that?
00:05:15This is my number.
00:05:17You know, just in case.
00:05:19Something happens.
00:05:25Ask private, okay?
00:05:27Sure.
00:05:29Okay.
00:05:35So what happens after all of this ends?
00:05:37Because you know, spoiler alert.
00:05:38Okay.
00:05:39You know, what if YouTube isn't just some fad?
00:05:41What if it's like, it's the invention of the printing press
00:05:44and I'm in on it?
00:05:47And then that makes me a monk in a monastery,
00:05:48illuminating manuscripts.
00:05:51Please just promise me you'll consider a teaching degree.
00:05:55I just think you should have something to fall back on.
00:05:58Could you just stop for a minute, Dad?
00:06:02Try the sandwich.
00:06:03I'll have it for dinner.
00:06:05It's your favorite from Arthur's.
00:06:09Can you please just look at it?
00:06:12Look at the sandwich.
00:06:12Yeah.
00:06:16What is this?
00:06:17Open it.
00:06:26I told you, things are going really well.
00:06:31I can't take this, Garrett.
00:06:33You put it away.
00:06:34No.
00:06:35Put it away for yourself.
00:06:35No, no, no.
00:06:36I'm fine.
00:06:37I'm investing.
00:06:38I'm investing.
00:06:39I'm investing.
00:06:40I'm investing.
00:06:40I'm investing.
00:06:41I'm investing.
00:06:42I'm investing.
00:06:43I'm investing.
00:06:44I'm investing.
00:06:45I'm investing.
00:06:46In your store.
00:06:52Whoever's giving you financial advice is a moron.
00:06:56Look, I know you don't get it,
00:06:57but all my life,
00:07:00everybody's been worried about how I was gonna survive
00:07:02in the real world, right?
00:07:03Including me.
00:07:05Now, all of a sudden, all that stuff everyone told me
00:07:07to quit doing, like clowning around, playing video games,
00:07:10that's like, that's a real thing that people do.
00:07:13I'm good at this.
00:07:14I'm really good at this.
00:07:15Have you seen any of my videos?
00:07:18A lot of people like them.
00:07:20A lot of people like a lot of things.
00:07:29Thanks for the sandwich.
00:07:31You're welcome.
00:07:43Ah, you little goblins!
00:07:45Good job, man.
00:07:46Good?
00:07:47How did you just do that?
00:07:48Unlocked the goblin outrage.
00:07:51Yes.
00:07:51Fuck you.
00:07:52Fuck you.
00:07:54And I'm large!
00:07:56But why is he dead?
00:07:58I won, but the guy's like on the floor dead.
00:08:03Okay.
00:08:06All right.
00:08:07Okay, so we got about 4,000 people on the stream right now,
00:08:11live here in Hoffman's Head,
00:08:13streaming from 9 p.m. until I just can't take it anymore,
00:08:16every Friday night.
00:08:17So I've been trying to cope with some existential issues.
00:08:22I'm just gonna throw that out to you guys,
00:08:23you night birds and mysterians out there in the webosphere.
00:08:27The topic is my life.
00:08:30What do I do with it?
00:08:31After YouTube.
00:08:33Chime in.
00:08:34Dude, you're like living the dream, okay?
00:08:36I am, I am.
00:08:38But sometimes people in your life
00:08:40can be human alarm clocks.
00:08:43Are we talking about girlfriends, Garrett, or relatives?
00:08:46Relatives, yes, exactly.
00:08:48Emotional kryptonite.
00:08:49They come from the same distant planet as you,
00:08:52so they can just take away your powers.
00:08:54Garrett, you can always come live with us.
00:08:56Can I?
00:08:57And who is us, exactly?
00:08:59Me, my mother, my father, my brother.
00:09:03Okay.
00:09:04That sounds awful.
00:09:05Thank you.
00:09:06Oh, hey, it's fangirl.
00:09:09Hey, fangirl.
00:09:09Hey, Garrett, I'm in your head again.
00:09:12Yes, you are.
00:09:14Been a while, where have you been?
00:09:15Making some moves, but I'm back.
00:09:19I'm here for you, Garrett.
00:09:20Just say the word and I am at your door.
00:09:23As always, fangirl, you're turning me on
00:09:26and creeping me out in equal measure.
00:09:28It's a gift.
00:09:28You know she's probably like 50 years old and ugly.
00:09:31Only one way to find out.
00:09:33You do know I have a rule, right, fangirl?
00:09:35Well, rules are made to be broken.
00:09:38Thing is, fangirl, I made up the rule for your benefit.
00:09:41It protects you from the inevitable disappointment
00:09:44because you guys already get the best of me.
00:09:45What's left in the day is just like
00:09:4714 hours swinging the mouse.
00:09:48I'm not interesting.
00:09:51Well, I could give you a back rub as you were,
00:09:54or I could get on my knees in front of your chair
00:09:58and use my-
00:09:58Oh, okay, okay.
00:10:00As delightful as that would be.
00:10:02Oh, now Raven's jealous.
00:10:04See, this is why we have the rule.
00:10:06I love you all equally.
00:10:08I can't pick one headlight over another.
00:10:10Just can't.
00:10:11But there's no one else like me, Garrett.
00:10:13And deep down, you know it.
00:10:17You know, I honestly don't know
00:10:19what I know anymore, fangirl.
00:10:22Except that you're all out there.
00:10:25And that makes me feel like I'm home.
00:10:29Okay, imagine like living in this room
00:10:33and having to actually bite these gums
00:10:37just on a daily basis.
00:11:00It's really good.
00:11:04It's the worst date food ever, right?
00:11:06I didn't want to say anything.
00:11:08Oh, what was I thinking?
00:11:10No, no, no, no, it's really delicious.
00:11:13I know.
00:11:13It's really good.
00:11:14I love it.
00:11:15That's why I come here, but I'm an idiot.
00:11:18Yeah, but the good kind.
00:11:24Okay, so what the fuck is hydrology?
00:11:28It is the part of fluid mechanics
00:11:31that tries to make sense of the world.
00:11:34It's the part of how liquids, gases,
00:11:36and plasmas react to applied forces.
00:11:40You say plasmas so casually.
00:11:42Most people I know use plasmas to blast aliens.
00:11:45Well, you say aliens so casually.
00:11:48True.
00:11:55Are you with anyone?
00:11:58Lately, it kind of feels like I'm with everyone.
00:12:02Yeah.
00:12:04Just haven't found the one yet, huh?
00:12:06I don't even know if there is a one.
00:12:08I mean, yes, of course, to control the matrix.
00:12:11You know, but...
00:12:12Yeah, but you don't think there's such a thing as true love?
00:12:15Yeah.
00:12:17Yeah, I do.
00:12:19But is it forever?
00:12:21I don't know.
00:12:23Do you only get one?
00:12:24Well, more than one would be complicated.
00:12:27Sorry, excuse me, I...
00:12:32And what are you doing, texting number two?
00:12:34No, you gave me an idea for a bit.
00:12:37So we all have this mythology
00:12:39that there's like one perfect person out there for us.
00:12:42But what if there's like five?
00:12:44Five.
00:12:45Yes, so you could have like four perfect girlfriends,
00:12:47but you still need a number five.
00:12:51Sorry, hang on.
00:12:53So this, this is where it all happens.
00:13:08Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
00:13:09I'm gonna do it.
00:13:10Wait, wait, wait.
00:13:12Take it slow.
00:13:14I'm just making sure
00:13:15that it's a one-time thing and that it's fun.
00:13:17That's it, I'm done.
00:13:19I'm done.
00:13:20That's a wrap.
00:13:21Oh, the rule. Is that real?
00:13:27Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's real.
00:13:31You wouldn't go out with one of those girls?
00:13:34It just, it doesn't feel right. Like it would be taking advantage somehow.
00:13:38That girl who sent you her panties every week?
00:13:42And, um, fangirl on the livestream? You're not tempted?
00:13:48I don't know what they want.
00:13:51Maybe just to make you happy?
00:13:53They don't even know me.
00:13:55Well, what don't they know?
00:14:00Well, not that much, actually.
00:14:05You okay with all this?
00:14:07What do you mean?
00:14:08You know, if you get involved with me, you get involved in all this.
00:14:13My whole life, it gets likes and comments.
00:14:16So you think we are getting involved?
00:14:21I like you.
00:14:24Yeah?
00:14:27Yeah. You seem real.
00:14:30I am real.
00:14:46I am real.
00:14:51I am real.
00:14:56I am real.
00:15:01I am real.
00:15:06I am real.
00:15:11I am real.
00:15:16I am real.
00:15:21I am real.
00:15:41Good morning.
00:15:45Yeah. Yeah, it is.
00:15:48I knew it would be.
00:15:52I told you rules were made to be broken.
00:15:57What do you mean?
00:15:59Come on, you're telling me you didn't know?
00:16:03Know what?
00:16:08Hey, Garrett, I am in your head again and in your bed.
00:16:13What the hell are you doing?
00:16:15Being me.
00:16:21I am sorry.
00:16:23I am kind of freaking out here.
00:16:25You really didn't know?
00:16:26No. Jesus, no.
00:16:28Fangirl lives in Chicago.
00:16:30Not anymore.
00:16:32I moved here.
00:16:33I quit school and I moved here and I took that job so we could do this with no rules.
00:16:37You what? I am sorry.
00:16:39You can't tell me it wasn't good.
00:16:40No, that was fucked up.
00:16:43Is your name even really Michelle?
00:16:45Of course it is.
00:16:46I didn't lie to you.
00:16:47I just told you some truths you didn't know yet.
00:16:50What?
00:16:52Listen, you got to go.
00:16:54Sorry.
00:16:55Are you kidding me?
00:16:56No, seriously.
00:16:57You got to get the fuck out of here.
00:16:59Why?
00:17:00Because you fucking stalked me.
00:17:01No, I met you.
00:17:04How else was I supposed to meet you, Garrett?
00:17:06I don't know.
00:17:07Honestly?
00:17:08How?
00:17:09You had a rule and if I didn't do something, we would never have had last night.
00:17:12Last night was bullshit.
00:17:14You know that's not true.
00:17:16You felt something.
00:17:17I know you did.
00:17:18I actually don't know what the fuck I felt.
00:17:20Okay?
00:17:21Then why don't we figure it out?
00:17:23Sometimes people just click, Garrett.
00:17:25And you can't make rules for that.
00:17:28Knock, knock.
00:17:30Dude, you're not up?
00:17:31We brought coffee.
00:17:36What happened to the clock?
00:17:38This was our special time together.
00:17:59Nice almost meeting you.
00:18:01You too.
00:18:03Take care.
00:18:07Bye.
00:18:20You know, sometimes soon you're going to regret this, Garrett.
00:18:24And when that happens, just know that I'm waiting.
00:18:29Okay.
00:18:31Goodbye, Michelle.
00:18:37Bye.
00:18:46I don't know, bro.
00:18:48I mean, what'd she do wrong exactly?
00:18:50So you met online.
00:18:51How's that any different than Tinder?
00:18:53Because only one of us signed up.
00:18:55Love that doesn't listen.
00:18:57You like her.
00:19:00I mean, you guys have been talking for, what, a year?
00:19:04Sexted.
00:19:05She sexted you.
00:19:07What's your point?
00:19:10Did you ever tell her to stop?
00:19:16Can we just get to work?
00:19:18Yeah?
00:19:19Mm-hmm.
00:19:21Yeah.
00:19:24Hey, it's Garrett.
00:19:25Do what you gotta do.
00:19:27Garrett, listen.
00:19:30I'm in the top two percentile.
00:19:33Me and all of my friends.
00:19:36And we're all so fucked up.
00:19:41Nobody cares, just as long as you're perfect on the outside.
00:19:48I was going to kill myself, Garrett.
00:19:51I went to this guy who sold pills.
00:19:54And when I got there, he was watching your livestream.
00:19:58And you were just connecting with all of these people.
00:20:04You didn't give a fuck what anyone thought.
00:20:06You were just connecting.
00:20:08It didn't matter what grade you got or who was going to stop loving you.
00:20:16So instead of taking the pills, I started coming on the stream as fangirl.
00:20:22And then last month, I decided we had to meet.
00:20:24We had to see what it would be like.
00:20:27Because you saved my life, Garrett.
00:20:33I know you have a rule, but I also know that I'm in love with you.
00:20:38And I think last night you let yourself be in love with me, too.
00:20:45Just a little.
00:20:49And I think last night you let yourself be in love with me, too.
00:20:56Just a little.
00:20:59Call me, okay?
00:21:13Do I have a raging marionette doll fetish?
00:21:16Yes, I do.
00:21:17Am I a therapy for it?
00:21:18Yes, I am.
00:21:20A therapist recommends having as many one-night stands as possible
00:21:23to help cure me of my puppet perversion, but I can't.
00:21:25I won't.
00:21:26I can never be with a girl no strings attached.
00:21:43How are you doing?
00:21:44Hi, you were great.
00:21:46Thank you.
00:21:47Wasn't he awesome?
00:21:48Yeah, he's awesome.
00:21:49Stop it, guys.
00:21:50But seriously, more.
00:21:51How did you...
00:21:52I love it.
00:21:54Don't make me feel this way.
00:21:58Tell my heart it should stay.
00:22:02Don't make me feel this way.
00:22:06Tell my heart it can't stay.
00:22:09Let me go, let me go, let me go.
00:22:13Let me go, let me go, let me go.
00:22:18Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da.
00:22:25Let me go.
00:22:27Hello.
00:22:28Hi, how are you?
00:22:29I'm good now.
00:22:30Hey, hold up.
00:22:31I'm not exactly a bathroom kind of guy.
00:22:36I am so drunk.
00:22:38Really?
00:22:42Yeah, I'll take you home.
00:23:43Oh, come on.
00:23:47Fucking man, you're everywhere, child.
00:23:51Eat me, you're not going to eat me today.
00:23:55Everywhere.
00:23:57Okay, please cut.
00:24:00Zombies.
00:24:02Hold up, hold up.
00:24:06Alright, where are we now?
00:24:10Alright, where are we now?
00:24:14It's dark.
00:24:15I can't really see anything in this hallway.
00:24:25Okay.
00:24:27I see some sort of light.
00:24:31Looks like a doorway.
00:24:37Oh, what the fuck?
00:24:39I said hello like ten times.
00:24:41I didn't hear you.
00:24:42Anyways, I brought your drive back.
00:24:44Thanks.
00:24:45What you playing?
00:24:46Dead Rising.
00:24:47Fuck, you fucking scared me.
00:24:50Sorry, dude.
00:25:08Jared Hoffman.
00:25:10Yeah.
00:25:11Police.
00:25:12Detective Yarden.
00:25:14And then, after she threw up?
00:25:18I left.
00:25:19I was home before midnight.
00:25:21Don't suppose there's anyone who can confirm that for us.
00:25:24Yeah, the girl that was here before.
00:25:27She was over late.
00:25:29Pink hair?
00:25:30Yeah, we worked together.
00:25:31She can testify to that.
00:25:32We have edit logs, and you can see when we upload it.
00:25:36Alright.
00:25:37Write down her name and number.
00:25:41Looks like this was just a boss robbery.
00:25:44But you were the last person seen with the victim at the club.
00:25:48I didn't even know her last name.
00:25:50Well, I hate to say it, but in this case, that's a good thing.
00:25:55Yeah, it doesn't really feel like a good thing.
00:25:59That's because you're not an asshole.
00:26:01Which is the second thing that we look for.
00:26:11How many people watch your show?
00:26:15I don't know.
00:26:17I don't know how many people watch your show.
00:26:21Two million.
00:26:22That's about a million girls.
00:26:24No, I don't do that.
00:26:26Not with fans.
00:26:28Why the hell not?
00:26:51I don't know.
00:27:22Hi, this is, um...
00:27:26Fangirl.
00:27:29Found it.
00:27:31Got it, found the log.
00:27:33Great job.
00:27:35One second, one second, hold on.
00:27:41Welcome to the Casa de Lyle.
00:27:45One second, one second, hold on, hold on, hold on.
00:27:52Hey, where's that killer scotch?
00:27:57Right.
00:28:03So, about Garrett.
00:28:08Well, fuck him.
00:28:11I thought the idea was fuck me.
00:28:14Same thing?
00:28:17Yes, it is.
00:28:20Is your bathroom clean?
00:28:21Absolutely.
00:28:23I'm not going to run into anything we're both going to regret, am I?
00:28:27No.
00:28:29But hang on.
00:28:51Fuck.
00:28:56Fuck.
00:29:21No, don't move, no.
00:29:24Let me go.
00:29:26Die.
00:29:34Okay, thank you for letting us into your devices.
00:29:37For behind the scenes and bloopers, click here.
00:29:39And please like, share, follow, and of course, subscribe.
00:29:46You good?
00:29:47Got it.
00:29:48That is a wrap.
00:29:50Catch punch?
00:29:52Hey, I had a rough night.
00:29:55You okay?
00:29:57Yeah, it's just allergies. I'll be fine.
00:30:03You okay?
00:30:05Yeah, um, I'm just trying to figure out if I screwed something up.
00:30:11Well, don't be a wuss.
00:30:13I mean, don't be an asshole, but don't be a wuss.
00:30:17It's not really helping.
00:30:19It's not really my job.
00:30:40Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
00:30:43Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
00:30:46Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
00:30:49Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
00:30:52Hey, this is...
00:30:59Hey there, you.
00:31:01Hey.
00:31:03Uh, you texted yesterday.
00:31:05I'm sorry, there was some stuff going on.
00:31:08Are you okay?
00:31:10Yeah.
00:31:11No, it's just...
00:31:13What is it?
00:31:15I met this girl, and...
00:31:18And she died. She was killed in, like, a robbery.
00:31:26Were you close?
00:31:27No, I was just at this club for a while, and she was drunk, so I took her home.
00:31:31You know, because she couldn't drive.
00:31:33And then...
00:31:36It's just so insane. It's like being on the corner and seeing somebody get hit by a bus.
00:31:40It was just this random...
00:31:42I'm so sorry.
00:31:44No, it's okay.
00:31:47Like a wake-up call, you know?
00:31:49I just wanted to call you and let you know that I wasn't blowing you off.
00:31:53I have been thinking about what happened with us.
00:31:57Me too.
00:31:58I was really freaked out, and maybe I overreacted, or I'm not being fair.
00:32:04I don't know. I just...
00:32:07So what do we do?
00:32:09Maybe we try again.
00:32:12And take it slow.
00:32:15I'd like that.
00:32:24Uh, listen, I gotta go, but I'll call you later, okay?
00:32:27I'm here.
00:32:38Hi.
00:32:39We love your videos!
00:32:40Thank you. Thanks.
00:32:42You wanna do it?
00:32:59I'm here.
00:33:12I'm here.
00:33:42I'm here.
00:34:12I'm here.
00:34:42I'm here.
00:34:51I'm here.
00:34:54I'm here.
00:34:57I'm here.
00:35:00I'm here.
00:35:03I'm here.
00:35:06I'm here.
00:35:09I'm here.
00:35:12Hey, is Garrett home?
00:35:15Hey, is Garrett home?
00:35:28I let it go to voicemail.
00:35:32I'm wet.
00:35:39Garrett?
00:35:43Garrett?
00:35:55What the fuck?
00:35:58It's okay.
00:35:59No, no, no. It's not okay.
00:36:01Hey, you called me.
00:36:03What?
00:36:05You called me. You said you wanted to try again.
00:36:08Yeah, like coffee.
00:36:10Come on, Garrett, we're way beyond coffee.
00:36:14How the hell did you even get in here?
00:36:17Okay, fine.
00:36:19Forget it.
00:36:20Wait, what? You're mad?
00:36:22I am giving you everything, and you are giving me nothing.
00:36:26You're playing fucking mind games, Garrett!
00:36:28You know what? Fuck you! I deserve better!
00:36:30I'm not playing mind games, Michelle.
00:36:32Shell!
00:36:33Shell, fuck! I'm fucking confused!
00:36:35No shit.
00:36:37Could you just wait a second?
00:36:38No, fuck you! You're a fucking sociopath!
00:36:40You're selfish, and you use people! You use everybody!
00:36:45I gave up everything for you!
00:36:48Who asked you to?
00:36:50Oh, my God!
00:36:57Jesus, Garrett.
00:36:58I didn't do that.
00:36:59God.
00:37:00I swear I did not do that.
00:37:01I'm sorry.
00:37:02No, it's okay. It's okay. Let me see. Let me see.
00:37:04I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:37:06Shit.
00:37:11I'm getting blood on everything.
00:37:13No, it's okay. It's okay.
00:37:15I think we need to get you to a doctor, though.
00:37:17No, no, no. We can just wrap it up. It's fine.
00:37:19You're gonna need stitches.
00:37:20It's fine.
00:37:21Michelle, look at me.
00:37:22I can't.
00:37:24They'll ask me how it happened and who did this to me, and I am bad at lying, Garrett.
00:37:32Just help me get home.
00:37:37Yeah.
00:38:00I feel so stupid.
00:38:02No, it was an accident.
00:38:04No, the whole thing.
00:38:06Moving here, finding you.
00:38:08You need help going back?
00:38:10Like expenses or anything?
00:38:12No, thank you.
00:38:16I love you.
00:38:19Okay.
00:38:20I mean, I get it.
00:38:21I wasn't talking about anything happening.
00:38:23I was just, you know, expressing a feeling.
00:38:29You're a good guy, and...
00:38:31You're a good guy, and...
00:38:34I'm gonna be okay.
00:38:37Yeah.
00:38:42Do you know what I need?
00:38:46An ice cream soda.
00:38:49Do you want one?
00:38:52Just a partying ice cream soda.
00:38:57Yeah, that sounds good.
00:39:01Okay.
00:39:31Okay.
00:39:47You slept with a girl that you met on the internet.
00:39:50You don't want to sleep with her anymore, so she's pissed.
00:39:52No, no, no, no. This is like a stalker.
00:39:55Hey, I'm famous.
00:39:57Has she threatened you?
00:39:59Yeah. Yeah, she told me she'll never stop loving me.
00:40:03Has she threatened you with anything bad?
00:40:06No.
00:40:07All right, look.
00:40:08Son, with all due respect to your fame,
00:40:11this is more or less a domestic situation.
00:40:14Okay, yes, but...
00:40:15Yeah, well, we hate those.
00:40:16It's all he said, she said, and then someone recants in the next day.
00:40:20All right, well, if she drugged me, is that not a crime?
00:40:22Absolutely.
00:40:23Then do a blood test.
00:40:24It only proves that you took a drug, not that she gave it to you.
00:40:26Well, then what about a restraining order?
00:40:28On what grounds?
00:40:29She broke into my house.
00:40:31He said.
00:40:32She said he invited me in.
00:40:38We had this girl, very bright,
00:40:41putting herself through medical school working at a lap dance joint.
00:40:44She gets this customer who has a bad sense of boundaries.
00:40:49This is a very determined girl,
00:40:51and she's not going to let some loser derail her dreams.
00:40:54So, one night, when she sees him in the parking lot waiting for her after work,
00:40:59I'll bet that the last thing that went through her head,
00:41:02I mean, before the bullet, was,
00:41:05No, I have a restraining order.
00:41:08Don't fuel the fire.
00:41:11Don't communicate.
00:41:13Don't go where you might run into each other.
00:41:16We run into each other on the Internet.
00:41:18Well, maybe you should take a couple of months off of that.
00:41:22A couple of months.
00:41:23It'll be there when you get back.
00:42:23Hello?
00:42:53Hello?
00:43:23Hello?
00:43:29This man just got trashed.
00:43:31I'm in a lake of ooze here.
00:43:32Somebody got to come heal me, please.
00:43:33What was that?
00:43:34There was like a giant worm at the end of the tunnel.
00:43:37I'm playing a game.
00:43:38You can wait.
00:43:39Please tell Jerry to take out the trash, okay?
00:43:41Fine, fine, fine.
00:43:42Sorry, guys.
00:43:44I'm out, I'm out.
00:43:45Bye, Brute.
00:43:46Later, Brute.
00:43:47Welcome, real girl.
00:43:48Maybe we can cheer you up.
00:43:51Garrett, you can't keep shutting me out.
00:43:54We made love, and you were inside me,
00:43:56and I know you felt it, too.
00:43:59What the fuck was that?
00:44:01That was sudden.
00:44:03You okay, Garrett?
00:44:04Uh, I'm sorry.
00:44:07I got to cut it short tonight.
00:44:09Headlights, I got to go.
00:44:16Fuck!
00:44:18Um, this is a public video for Garrett Hoffman.
00:44:26I didn't want to do this, but you won't talk to me.
00:44:33It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my body.
00:44:41We both made mistakes.
00:44:43Please, please.
00:44:46I'm sorry I upset you.
00:44:48I'm begging you.
00:44:49Let's just try again.
00:44:54I'm begging you.
00:44:55Let's just try again.
00:44:57My heart has been ripped right out of my body.
00:45:00Oh, God.
00:45:02It has.
00:45:04It causes friction between me and my girlfriend.
00:45:06Then she gets involved in a...
00:45:07Friction.
00:45:08Then she gets involved in a threesome with my girl and I.
00:45:11Why haven't you stopped me?
00:45:13Why?
00:45:15Watching this video was just cringeworthy.
00:45:17No wonder this guy's not calling you back, girl.
00:45:19You'd be crazy.
00:45:20I didn't want to do this, but you won't talk to me.
00:45:22Oh, my God.
00:45:23Oh, my God.
00:45:24It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my body.
00:45:27The sword, the sword's not working.
00:45:29I can't stop working.
00:45:30We both made mistakes.
00:45:31I'm sorry I upset you.
00:45:32Okay, I'm just going to get the big old bazooka.
00:45:34Let's just try again.
00:45:35Ah, I'm out of ammo.
00:45:36This game is torture.
00:45:38Maybe we just have more feelings than other people.
00:45:40You know, I've always been like that.
00:45:41Everything is more intense.
00:45:43I understand.
00:45:45You can have anybody you want and why give that up?
00:45:51Because having everything is like having nothing, Garrett.
00:45:54What defines you, your choices.
00:45:57Who are you, Garrett?
00:45:59There's this Garrett that people see and that's not you, is it?
00:46:03You know how hard it is to see you here every day?
00:46:06I can't move on.
00:46:09Because you won't let me.
00:46:11Garrett, you said like you.
00:46:13You said share and follow you.
00:46:15You fucking lied.
00:46:22Look, miss, what you need to understand is that
00:46:25he does not see what happened in the same way that you do.
00:46:29But he told me to move here.
00:46:32I beg your pardon?
00:46:34Well, he, like, practically begged me for months.
00:46:37Look, what you may have misinterpreted is...
00:46:39No, no, look for yourself.
00:46:49These are your e-mails, correct?
00:46:51That you sent six months ago, eight months ago,
00:46:54asking her to move here because you love her.
00:46:57No, no, no, she messed with it.
00:46:59I did not write these.
00:47:00She was here, I told you that.
00:47:02Jared, you remember what I told you about
00:47:04why we hate domestic situations?
00:47:06I swear to God, this is not he said, she said.
00:47:08This is he said and then she broke into his fucking house
00:47:11and is fucking with his life because she's a fucking psychotic stalker.
00:47:14You expect me to believe that she got into your e-mail account somehow
00:47:17and wrote all these?
00:47:18She backdated your e-mails.
00:47:20Come on.
00:47:21I'll take a lie detector test.
00:47:23There's got to be some kind of forensic way
00:47:25that you can check when these were actually written, right?
00:47:29I will look into it.
00:47:31In the meantime, stay away from this girl.
00:47:37Okay.
00:47:38But you do understand the irony of that, right?
00:47:41Fuck your irony.
00:47:43Stay put.
00:47:55He loves me.
00:47:58We're lovers.
00:48:01She loves me.
00:48:12It's gone viral.
00:48:13Every time we get it taken down in one place,
00:48:15it pops up in five more.
00:48:18We got fan art already.
00:48:20And remixes.
00:48:25Devil's Advocate, channel views way up,
00:48:27likes way up, subscribe.
00:48:32Garrett, it's just this thing you do.
00:48:36You can walk away.
00:48:40I connected with two million people.
00:48:43I can't just let one of them destroy that.
00:48:46No.
00:48:48I'm out.
00:48:50I can't enable this.
00:48:52Overreact much.
00:48:54Shut up, Lyle.
00:48:57You have to do what you have to do.
00:49:02What the fuck?
00:49:13This is so fucked up.
00:49:16Lyle, can you give me some space?
00:49:18Please.
00:49:22Can you go?
00:49:23Okay.
00:49:32Hey.
00:49:34This is Garrett Hoffman.
00:49:36As I think you all know by now,
00:49:38I hooked up with Fangirl,
00:49:40and it went really badly.
00:49:42You know, my first instinct is
00:49:44that this is none of anybody's fucking business.
00:49:46Except it is.
00:49:48You know, I put my life on line.
00:49:50I asked you guys to share.
00:49:52So I'm not gonna give up on what we're doing here,
00:49:55and I really hope that you guys don't give up on me.
00:49:58But I am asking you to stop making fun of Fangirl.
00:50:02I believe that this girl is mentally ill.
00:50:05This is a damaged person, and she needs medication.
00:50:07And I do not mean that like funny.
00:50:09It's real.
00:50:11She needs help.
00:50:13So please, please lay off.
00:50:16I believe that this girl is mentally ill.
00:50:19This is a damaged person, and she...
00:50:22I believe that this girl is mentally ill.
00:50:25This is a damaged person, and she...
00:50:28I believe that this girl is mentally ill.
00:50:31This is a damaged person, and she...
00:50:34I believe that this girl is mentally ill.
00:50:40Aah!
00:50:42Aah!
00:50:44Aah!
00:50:49Aah!
00:50:55Oh, my God.
00:51:25âŠâŠ
00:51:35âŠâŠ
00:51:45âŠâŠ
00:51:55âŠâŠ
00:52:05âŠâŠ
00:52:15âŠâŠ
00:52:25âŠâŠ
00:52:35âŠâŠ
00:52:45Hello.
00:52:50Oh, Jesus.
00:52:55âŠâŠ
00:53:05âŠâŠ
00:53:15I might cash that check now.
00:53:25I'm so sorry.
00:53:28I didn't think that this could get to you.
00:53:33What are you talking about?
00:53:38I'm having a thing with a fan.
00:53:42She's...she's disturbed.
00:53:47And you think this fan, she...
00:53:51Wait, wait, wait.
00:53:52How would she even know that your father owns a bookstore?
00:53:56They know everything about me.
00:53:58Brave new world, Dad.
00:54:06You know where that's from?
00:54:10I'm a journalist.
00:54:13A brave new world that has such people in it.
00:54:19I'll take care of this.
00:54:20I'll stop it.
00:54:25âŠâŠ
00:54:35âŠâŠ
00:54:45âŠâŠ
00:54:54Chell!
00:54:57Chell, open up!
00:55:03Chell, open the fucking door!
00:55:05âŠâŠ
00:55:15âŠâŠ
00:55:25âŠâŠ
00:55:35âŠâŠ
00:55:45You posted the ad?
00:56:15You posted the ad?
00:56:45Hey!
00:56:54You're dead.
00:56:57Scared the shit out of me.
00:56:58Yeah, that was the idea.
00:56:59Did you get my messages?
00:57:00Have you been getting mine?
00:57:01She's gone.
00:57:02I went to her place.
00:57:03You broke into her motel room.
00:57:04Are you serious?
00:57:05She burns down my father's store and I'm in trouble.
00:57:07Yeah, you are in trouble.
00:57:09Are you ready to listen?
00:57:10Because I've been looking into your girlfriend as best I could.
00:57:13She was a minor, so the records are sealed.
00:57:15But there was a fire at the home of a girl that she didn't like
00:57:19and a hit-and-run against a boy who broke up with her.
00:57:22No proof.
00:57:23Parents put her into a private psych ward for a while.
00:57:26Everybody looked the other way.
00:57:28But that girl at the bar?
00:57:31The one we thought was a robbery?
00:57:39Mm-hmm.
00:57:40The mailbox shop where you met her.
00:57:42The woman works there.
00:57:43Six years.
00:57:44Never misses a day.
00:57:45Then all of a sudden she vanishes and a job opens up.
00:57:49You see this?
00:57:50You can go online and find instructions on how to make one of these out of a coat.
00:57:55If that girl really is gone, count yourself lucky.
00:57:59And if she comes back, run.
00:58:01Grow a beard.
00:58:02Change your name.
00:58:04She is bright.
00:58:06You will not see it coming.
00:58:09Oh, God.
00:58:10Oh, my God.
00:58:12Oh, God.
00:58:13Oh, my God.
00:58:14Oh, my God.
00:58:15Oh, my God.
00:58:24I need help.
00:58:25Somebody's been shot.
00:58:26A police officer.
00:58:28He was shot with an arrow.
00:58:30Yes, yes, an arrow.
00:58:32It was a crossbow.
00:58:33It was set in the door.
00:58:36Hey Garrett, how are you holding up?
00:58:57Got some things you need to sign?
00:59:04That's an evidence inventory for your computers.
00:59:07And the damages waiver.
00:59:09You keep the pink one.
00:59:11And here is a list of places that do crime scene clean up and some counseling.
00:59:17You should talk to someone, even if you think you're fine.
00:59:23I don't think I'm fine.
00:59:26Huh?
00:59:27Good.
00:59:28Okay.
00:59:29Now, you're sure that nobody knows that you go to this place?
00:59:33I don't go there.
00:59:35It's my friend's uncle's place.
00:59:37We went there once to visit in the 10th grade with her family.
00:59:40Road's barely on a map.
00:59:42It's out in the middle of nowhere.
00:59:45He's an artist.
00:59:47All right, even still.
00:59:50Keep your head down.
00:59:51She won't last long.
00:59:53She must stop.
00:59:54She has nowhere to go.
00:59:56We got a reward out, a tip line.
00:59:58And the media clusterfuck on this is actually going to help.
01:00:03We will find her.
01:00:05And we will get you your life back.
01:00:11Keep it.
01:00:28Hey.
01:00:29Hey.
01:00:30Are you sure about this?
01:00:37I can't go home.
01:00:38Come stay with us.
01:00:39Raylene won't mind.
01:00:40It puts you in danger.
01:00:55You know what I love about you?
01:00:56Don't fuck our shit up now.
01:00:58You haven't said I told you so.
01:01:01How fun if I say it.
01:01:06Go.
01:01:28How much for a room?
01:01:31$63.97.
01:01:32Can I see your license?
01:01:33Oh my god.
01:01:34I left it in the car.
01:01:35Oh no.
01:01:36Yeah.
01:01:37Can I show it to you later?
01:01:38Yeah, yeah, sure.
01:01:39Thank you.
01:01:40Yeah.
01:01:41Thank you so much.
01:01:42Yeah.
01:01:43Thanks.
01:01:44You're welcome.
01:01:45Come on.
01:01:46Let's go.
01:01:47It's hot.
01:01:48I'm so hungry.
01:01:49What?
01:01:50I'm starving.
01:01:51Come on.
01:01:52We're going to go get dinner.
01:01:53You're not going anywhere.
01:01:54Just come.
01:01:55Open it.
01:01:56It's fine.
01:01:57I'm trying to get something to eat.
01:01:58Can I just eat?
01:01:59Yeah.
01:02:00You can sit.
01:02:01The national manhunt is underway, prompted by the murder of a police detective here in
01:02:28Fresno that seems to have started with viral videos but has blown up into tragic real world
01:04:04okay so no one knows we're here no one can hear a scream
01:04:11okay great thank you
01:04:24oh yes security system
01:04:33so
01:05:01okay go
01:05:04yes i mean it i i really can't believe you're all out there carrying my head around your pockets
01:05:12and checking in with my head in your desks it's it's crazy but you have changed my life
01:05:17and you've made my dreams come true and i love you guys i really do i really do like a lot
01:05:34so
01:05:57it's uncle ray's cable account it's his isp we don't have to log into anything
01:06:03no one will know it's us we could just be on the internet as civilians this isn't just about
01:06:08hiding out lyle you know i have to figure out who i am offline every day every day this is
01:06:16all i've done i just need some kind of time to myself okay if we're gonna do this whole
01:06:32self-reflective cleansing sweat lodge thing there's something i have not entirely told you
01:06:43i went out with her
01:06:47it's who
01:06:47who she called me and um we got together i think it's all kind of fuzzy there's a lot of drinking
01:07:03involved thing is i think that's how she got your keys
01:07:12okay it's not your fault nope no it's not
01:07:26but i was jealous ever since we were nine years old we were a team
01:07:33in it together and now we're not
01:07:36we're not
01:07:40so what was i supposed to do stop
01:07:46no it's all good that's what i'm trying to say
01:07:52i am so glad i'm not you right now
01:08:01so
01:08:13this is my recipe for macaroni and cheese you get the macaroni you cook the macaroni you might
01:08:17think gravity is just for the birds rocco but it's a lot it goes the same for everybody oh yeah
01:08:24i'm genuinely trying now i'm actually putting in some effort
01:08:28oh it's good
01:08:31so this is my head currently zombie apocalypse guys what would you do
01:08:47looting i you know zombies start walking the earth i'll be the first
01:08:51at the mall with a sledgehammer what are you gonna do the zombie apocalypse
01:08:58uncle rays half of what but no no so kiki has this uh this uncle lives up in a cabin by
01:09:06lake frontier lake frontier yes the guy was crazy no he's an artist he was a little weird
01:09:12he's completely off the grid he had to like take this unmarked road past the fire county dump
01:09:18anyway that's where i would go for the zombie apocalypse really yes uncle rays you know when
01:09:22you can't hey that's where i would go for the zombie apocalypse
01:09:33it was up in a cabin by lake frontier
01:09:35lake frontier yes
01:09:42he had to like take this unmarked road past the fire county dump
01:10:06so
01:10:22oh
01:10:35so i've been out here a week and they still can't find her so i gotta figure out what i'm
01:10:52gonna do from now on can i live without youtube yeah i can't i can't it was fine
01:11:03i don't want to live without youtube i don't think that we're too connected i don't think
01:11:08that we share too much i think that this this technology we have in the world is bringing us
01:11:12all closer together and yeah that's that's it's dangerous and it's a risk to open yourself up
01:11:18and to trust i get that um i may never get to go home again i may never be able to use my
01:11:28real name again in the world and my life could suck as long as this is real what what we're doing
01:11:35here as long as this is good then i'm good so if i have to choose i choose to live online
01:11:45hoffenheads you may never know where i am you may not know who i am but i'm still gonna be here
01:11:51every day with you so i'm gonna post this video what the fuck what are you doing where did you go
01:12:00i was making a video oh okay great i thought you died i almost pissed my pants man
01:12:07that's disgusting yeah i need a beer yeah me too and with that deeply philosophical conclusion to
01:12:14my meditation on man and nature headlights it's alive yes neither sleep nor snow nor dark of night
01:12:23hoffman's head is broadcasting to you guys live from an undisclosed location
01:12:28nothing stops the live stream nothing oh my god yeah glad you're back dude oh
01:12:35where are you guys it looks kind of freaky dude did you just seriously just ask me to disclose
01:12:40the undisclosed location and i almost did it as well like a knee-jerk reaction are you guys okay
01:12:47we heard fangirl killed a cop i bet it's a scam it was on the news it's gonna end up just like
01:12:53lonely girl what are you trying to get more views hoffman um a good man lost his life trying to
01:12:59protect and serve and when i know how to process that the right way we can talk about it okay
01:13:06we love you garrett
01:13:09you know let's just try and have some really stupid fun tonight
01:13:13yes let's blow some shit up let's blow some shit up
01:13:22we gotta we gotta clear path to the blow-up zone
01:13:25clear path to the blow-up zone okay clear path all right let's go three two one
01:13:47hey garrett have you seen this holy shit fangirl uploaded a new video
01:13:56so
01:14:06garrett
01:14:09i think i know where you are
01:14:13but i don't think we'll get to talk much when we see each other again
01:14:19so i'm saying this here because i want you to understand my life is over
01:14:29and i'm i'm so ready
01:14:33but i keep thinking about you forgetting me
01:14:40and that makes me unbearably lonely
01:14:48so
01:14:52if we can't be united in life
01:14:56we will be united in death
01:15:07no way
01:15:10be right back what was that what's going on it's nothing there's nothing out there it's uh
01:15:17it's the woods it's the wind garrett is probably
01:15:22it's squirrels in the wind what the fuck's going on here nothing
01:15:28garrett just thought he heard something out there but there's nothing out there
01:15:31i'm pretty sure that no i'm definitely okay we're good we're safe i bet you don't
01:15:37you
01:15:42she's up but she's up oh god mom i love you if you're watching i love you so much
01:15:52everybody listen fangirl is here we need you guys to call 9-1-1 we don't have any service
01:15:57now where are we all right county access road just south
01:16:06168 you got to go past the quarry and then the dump
01:16:15after 168 all right address because uncle ray is a fuck
01:16:19it's
01:16:35oh fuck
01:16:40what's up hello
01:16:49oh
01:16:56oh fuck oh fuck fuck shit
01:17:19fuck
01:17:24garrett
01:17:27garrett don't fucking do that
01:17:45we should make a room for the car
01:17:47no no you don't leave the castle you stay inside the walls what fucking castle if we go outside
01:17:55she's gonna kill us if she has to come in here we kill her
01:18:09i have a plan it's a little outside the box what if you stay here
01:18:15and make her think that she's got us trapped i'll slip out and uh and i'll go for help
01:18:22your plan is to leave me here and run away she's not in love with me
01:18:44so
01:19:15uh
01:19:37uh
01:19:45so
01:19:57so
01:20:14so
01:20:44Shit.
01:21:14And I'll finish you.
01:21:42Oh
01:22:12I
01:22:34Couldn't you just love me? Why couldn't you just let me go?
01:22:43Hmm
01:22:48That's not love
01:23:12I
01:23:42I
01:24:12I
01:24:39Well
01:24:43Oh
01:24:59My god, I'm so sorry. I've been driving
01:25:04It's me it's Petunia Petunia forever, can you move?
01:25:08Are you?
01:25:10Hey, we have to keep you out here. Come on. Okay, you just all right, we're gonna go. It's okay. It's okay
01:25:20Come on
01:25:38Keep talking to me. Okay, just don't don't like go into the light or anything. Okay. All right. We'll just talk
01:25:46I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna get you some fluids some like
01:25:50Electrolytes just as soon as I get you home safe
01:25:59I once took care of a dog with a broken leg and I
01:26:03I
01:26:04Rescued it and I found all these videos on YouTube about how to take care of a dog with a broken leg
01:26:09And I did it and and it lived with me and I took care of it for six months
01:26:26You're here Garrett in my car
01:26:30Oh, I want to show you some of my drawings, I think you're gonna really gonna like them
01:26:38I'm gonna take such good care of you
01:26:59You
01:27:29You
01:27:59You
01:28:29You
01:28:59You
01:29:29You
01:29:37You
01:29:49You
01:29:59You