Boat Story 2023 S01E01
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TVTranscript
00:00This is a story about a boat, a boat that washed up on a beach and changed a lot of
00:12lives.
00:13Like for a woman called Janet, and Samuel, and him, and her, and him, and this one, and
00:29also this guy.
00:34He's not much of a talker.
00:59Now, some stories start a long, long time ago.
01:11Some stories start in a deep, dark wood.
01:15Some stories start in a galaxy far, far away.
01:19But this story starts here, under a damned pylon, with a severed head, of all things.
01:28Shall we begin?
01:41Let's go back in time, to the small town of Applebury.
01:45Not the kind of place people die to go to, more the kind where people go to die.
01:53It starts one morning, a Thursday I think.
01:57Under smokestacks on a lonely country road, a woman with blue in her hair, driving towards
02:03a Thursday, unlike any other Thursday she'd experienced.
02:14Keith, do you mind?
02:34It's like one of the seven dwarfs had a fucking brain injury.
02:37I'm five foot seven, perfectly good height for a man.
02:41Anyhow, I don't claim to be musical.
02:44That's my brother.
02:45No.
02:46Let's chat.
02:47Come on.
02:48We've got quotas here.
02:49Nigel, shut it down.
02:50There's a jam.
02:51Hang on.
02:52Oi.
03:54Worst Thursday ever.
04:38Please switch off your engines or I could blow up your vessel.
05:05What's the matter?
05:10You mind shutting that down for us?
05:24A bit nasty, all right?
05:27I'd seen worse.
05:31Mind if I take a look around?
05:33No, that's fine.
05:35Take a quick look around and I'll be at your bench.
05:48Mackerel.
05:50Mackerel, eh?
05:54Yeah, a whole lot of mackerel.
05:58They're not mackerel.
06:19Come on, then.
06:26Come on.
06:32Come on.
06:38Come on.
06:44Come on.
06:50Come on.
06:56Come on.
07:02Come on.
07:09Come on.
07:15Come on.
07:21Come on.
07:30Come on.
07:38Come on.
07:46Come on.
07:58Come on.
08:08Come on.
08:18Come on.
08:28Come on.
08:38Come on.
08:48Come on.
08:58Come on.
09:23Anything you can do, I can do better.
09:26Anything better than you.
09:27Are you mad?
09:28Yes, I can.
09:29No, you can't.
09:30Yes, I can.
09:31No, you can't.
09:32Yes, I can.
09:33Yes, I can.
09:34Anything you can be, I can be greater.
09:36Sooner or later, I'm greater than you.
09:38No, you're not.
09:39Yes, I am.
09:40No, you're not.
09:41Yes, I am.
09:42No, you're not.
09:43Yes, I am.
09:44Yes, I am.
09:45I can shoot a cartridge with a single cartridge.
09:47I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow.
09:50I can live on bread and tea.
09:52And only on that?
09:53Yeah.
09:54So can a rat.
09:55Any note you can reach, I can go higher.
09:57I can sing anything higher than you.
09:59No, you can't.
10:00Yes, I can.
10:01No, you can't.
10:02Yes, I can.
10:03No, you can't.
10:04Yes, I can.
10:05Yes, I can.
10:06Anything you can say, I can say faster.
10:08I can say anything faster than you.
10:10No, you can't.
10:11I can't.
10:12I can't.
10:13I can't.
10:14I can't.
10:15I can't.
10:16I can't.
10:17I can't.
10:18I can't.
10:19I can't.
10:20I can't.
10:21I can't.
10:22I can't.
10:23I can't.
10:24Do you know what, Darling?
10:25At the fairs, that's the only shop you can sell them on, at fairs.
10:28So you see how it works is
10:31I buy the stuffed animals and then in this stall,
10:34people come and they play and they win.
10:36No.
10:37I get that, I'll just...
10:39Don't matter.
10:40I'm out of money anyway,
10:41that was my budget for the week,
10:43but it's not your problem.
10:44Thanks.
10:45Thanks, anyway.
10:46I tell you what, Annie Oakley.
10:48You practically bought it already,
10:50the amount you slapped down.
10:54Piece of advice. Don't let it shit on the floor and definitely don't kiss it or it turns into a 22 stone fuckhead.
11:03Tell him.
11:54Alan!
11:57Alan!
11:59No way.
12:01Hi, love.
12:02You finally won the beast.
12:03Only took eight years.
12:04The approximate life span of the West European hedgehog.
12:07Just don't kiss him or he turns into a 20 stone fuckhead.
12:10Sorry.
12:11How'd you do it?
12:13I am a Russian spy. You know this.
12:15Ah, right.
12:16My hand, it become rocket launcher.
12:19I shoot the cans at the local fair. Job done.
12:21As they say, shh, don't tell anybody.
12:24You silly woman.
12:25Your hand looks good.
12:27No it don't, but thanks anyway.
12:30You alright?
12:31Yeah, I'll be fine. They'll see me right.
12:33Janet! Janet!
12:36Dearie me.
12:38Bit of a coincidence seeing you here, ain't it?
12:41No, I was out with a friend actually. So, yeah.
12:45Where is she then?
12:46She's, um...
12:48Oh, yeah, she's over there.
12:49She's on one of the... She's on the side.
12:52Oh, no. Oh, no, she's not.
12:54Maybe she hot dogs candy floss or something like that.
12:57She loves candy floss.
12:58You can't keep doing this.
13:00I don't want to get into restraining orders,
13:02but this is not your life now.
13:06Maybe you'd be happier if you let Jesus into your world.
13:11Like I did.
13:13Let's go.
13:14We're praying for you, Jenny.
13:16It's Janet.
13:17You know it's Janet.
13:21She knew full well it was Janet.
13:24She was just fucking with her.
13:32Sorry.
13:39Do you like your fortune read, darling?
13:41I think it's best I don't.
13:42Yeah.
13:44They say fortune favours the brave,
13:48but sometimes even the bravest souls get left behind.
14:11I love you.
14:41That's the thing about life, see.
14:44Some frogs never do get kissed.
14:47Some fairy tales never get their ending.
14:56But sometimes they find another way.
15:03What the hell?
15:11Come here.
15:31Good boy.
15:33Come here.
15:34Come here.
15:37Jump.
15:38That's nice.
15:39Come here.
15:40Come here.
15:49Morning.
15:50Morning.
15:55Don't normally see anyone else this time.
15:58I don't sleep well.
16:00Me neither.
16:04Wow, quick yours.
16:06No, it's not mine.
16:07The neighbour lets me take them out.
16:11I'm not from around here.
16:14What gave it away?
16:16Oh, you know.
16:18Everything.
16:20Yeah, just moved up from London.
16:22We're one of those.
16:24Tired of the rat race, were it?
16:26Yeah, something like that.
16:41Tom!
16:43Tom, where are you?
16:45Tom!
16:50Okay.
16:51Major Tom!
16:53Major Tom!
16:58Sorry to have kept you waiting.
16:59We seem to have misplaced our cat.
17:02When Major Tom returns, would you please give us a call?
17:06Thank you.
17:07Thank you.
17:09You're leaving me your cat.
17:13Thank you.
17:38And the sea air, of course. Good for the soul, they say.
17:42Well, your new home has been officially recognised as the country's hairiest arsehole.
17:48Makes Peterborough look like Portugal.
17:55I think it's people make places.
17:59Them are really fucked.
18:00Sorry.
18:14What the hell?
18:15Bertie! Come here!
18:17What is it?
18:19I don't know.
18:21I don't know.
18:23I don't know.
18:25I don't know.
18:27I don't know.
18:29What is it?
18:31What is it, girl?
18:33What is...
18:52Jesus Christ!
18:56Oh, my God.
18:58Oh.
19:18Call the police.
19:20My phone's out.
19:21What?
19:22Fucking come on.
19:29Fuck.
19:40You've got to look at this.
19:41What?
19:45Fucking hell.
19:46Yeah.
19:53What are you waiting for? There's two dead people here.
19:56Street value's got to rise.
20:00Tens of millions.
20:01So what?
20:02Let's just, um...
20:04Let's just give this a minute.
20:05Let's just think.
20:06There's nothing to think about.
20:07Jesus, give me your fucking phone!
20:11Sometimes, sometimes, the world throws you a bone.
20:15And you don't always see it, you don't always recognise it, but...
20:19This, what's happening right now, this is the world throwing us a bone.
20:24You want to fucking take it?
20:27What?
20:28I don't know.
20:31Are you mad?
20:33My name's Samuel. What's your name?
20:35What?
20:36Look, the situation's fucked up enough as it is without us being total strangers.
20:39My name's Samuel. What's yours, please?
20:41It's Janet.
20:42OK, Janet, OK.
20:45Hi, Janet.
20:47Hi, Samuel.
20:50Um...
20:53Listen, listen, Janet, um, back in London, I was a lawyer.
20:57And I think I'm... No, this is fucking insane, it's insane, I know,
21:00but I think I know someone who'd give us a lot of money for this.
21:05I just came here to walk the bloody dog.
21:08So did I!
21:09But then the world...
21:10Threw us a bone, yeah, only it's not a bone, it's a load of cocaine
21:13the size of a fucking Nissan!
21:15I've gambled away my entire life savings.
21:18I sold my house, which is why we moved here.
21:21Camilla, my wife, has no idea.
21:24Now, I don't know what your story is...
21:26No, you don't.
21:27Right, but you're telling me you can't use a few million quid?
21:31It... It is not that simple.
21:34But it could be!
21:36Oh, sometimes, you know, the best thing to do is to look out for yourself.
21:39Cos God knows life kicks you in the bollocks often enough.
21:42And then you get a chance and you need to...
21:44Where would we keep it?
22:14MUSIC PLAYS
22:38We should go.
22:42Oh, shit.
22:43What?
22:47I can't claim my dog.
22:59PHONE RINGS
23:04PHONE RINGS
23:08PHONE RINGS
23:10PHONE RINGS
23:15We missed our date last night,
23:17but I'd already paid the deposit,
23:19so I had a whole beef wellington to meself.
23:23And I had it all.
23:25The whole sodding old wellington.
23:28So, are you going to give me a call back, or what?
23:32Just a text, or anything, just to let me know that you're all right?
23:36Just call me, all right, love?
23:40DOOR SLAMS
23:47Turns out the policeman's boyfriend was also a policeman.
23:52And while he was calling his dead lover,
23:55Samuel was washing his Pomeranian in the sea.
24:09WAVES CRASH
24:29Come on, come on, come on.
24:36DOG BARKS
24:40DOOR SLAMS
24:41Where the fuck were you? What took you so long?
24:43DOOR SLAMS
24:46There was a woman, on the beach.
24:49And she saw me.
24:51Oh, Christ!
24:52Well, she didn't see my face.
24:54Come on, just fucking drive!
25:07Hmm.
25:10PHONE RINGS
25:13999, what's your emergency?
25:15Yes, there's a Code 4 down at Applery Beach.
25:18A boat on the shore.
25:20No need for sirens, just a meat wagon.
25:22Your name, please?
25:24Pat Two, with an H.
25:26Right, are you able to wait a while while we send an ambulance?
25:29I used to be a paramedic, love.
25:31Trust me, they're extremely dead.
25:33They're on their way. Ah, lovely.
25:39SIREN WAILS
26:09You've got some nice shoulders.
26:12I... I've been working out.
26:23A lot of people have come here.
26:25Tall, fat, short, thin, handsome,
26:28people with their legs crossed.
26:31It's my job to make them all look good.
26:33It makes me happy to see their flaws
26:36and to correct them.
26:39What are my flaws?
26:43You don't have any.
26:46You're not going to tell me anyway, are you?
26:52Your suit will be ready in six days.
26:55Thank you.
26:57See you soon.
27:09SIREN WAILS
27:39GRUNTS
27:42SIREN WAILS
27:47GRUNTS
28:09SIREN WAILS
28:40Now you know.
28:51PHONE RINGS
29:03Yes?
29:05What is it?
29:07Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
29:10Hold on, hold on.
29:15GROANS
29:22GROANS
29:24GROANS
29:36Say that again?
29:41You're talking about my shipment?
29:46This is a joke. Tell me it's a joke.
29:50HE SPEAKS FRENCH
29:57This is how.
30:15Where are we even going?
30:17I think we should drop the dogs off first.
30:20And then I passed a storage unit on my way in.
30:23Storage? Right, you've got all the answers, haven't you?
30:26Mr Storage Base.
30:28Sorry, you've got a charger?
30:30My phone's...
30:31My wife's is similar.
30:33Better do it.
30:35Oh, I don't understand what just happened.
30:37I feel like my heart's beating right outside my chest.
30:39Maybe that's because it is.
30:48RINGS
30:54Shit.
30:56OK.
30:58OK, just...
31:00Just stay calm. I am.
31:02I'm talking to myself. Oh.
31:06Come on, come on, come on.
31:08Keep calm, remember?
31:11Oh, no. What?
31:14What shall I do?
31:16Don't do anything, just wait.
31:18Oh.
31:24OK.
31:35Get out of the way, nice and slow.
31:38What the fuck are you doing?
31:40What do you mean, what I'm doing? It's a one-way street.
31:42What? Oh, shit. What is wrong with you?
31:44What are you thinking? Well, stop! Pull over!
31:46What?
31:48What if we just hit the pedal and we don't look back?
31:50Well, we're not filming Louise, you daft bastard.
31:52We're in Applebury. Stop the fucking car.
31:54Stay calm.
31:56Yes, yes, I know.
31:58No, I'm talking to myself now.
32:02SIREN BLARES
32:14SIREN BLARES
32:24KNOCK AT DOOR
32:26Hi, officer.
32:28So, look, I'm new here
32:30and I was meant to take a different turning
32:32and I ended up going down this one-way street.
32:34You know you're going down a one-way street.
32:36Yes, and I'm so sorry.
32:38You can't do that.
32:40No, I... What if a car was coming towards you?
32:42Or a bicycle?
32:44Well, neither would be good. Or a van?
32:46Absolutely. A mobility scooter?
32:48Right. A kid on a skateboard?
32:50One of them shoes with wheels on?
32:52Can you imagine how that could have ended up?
32:54Terrible. Be dead?
32:56Yeah.
32:58You all right? I really am very sorry
33:00and, um, sorry to be wasting police time.
33:02It's so important, the job you guys do.
33:04My friend and I, we were just out walking our dogs together.
33:06Dog buddies.
33:09Yes, dog friends.
33:11And, um, we got talking and, uh...
33:13Turning, yeah.
33:27Tell me something, sir. Yes?
33:29In the back of your car there...
33:33..is that a Whippet?
33:36Yes. Yeah? Yes.
33:38Yeah, he's called Rambo. Rambo.
33:40My mummy used to have a Whippet.
33:42Beautiful creatures, aren't they?
33:44Odd little bodies, though. Sealy reds.
33:46Yeah, yeah, you can. Come on.
33:49All right.
33:51Now I'm done, all right, but please be more careful next time.
33:53Oh, yes, will do. All right.
33:55See you later, sir. So much. Thank you.
34:06Dog buddies.
34:10I panicked.
34:26And that's just ten of the great uses for safety pins.
34:30Harold's Life Hacks.
34:32Hit the subscribe button below.
34:36Hey, we need storage.
34:38Oh, I'm there.
34:40Please.
35:05Come on.
35:08HE GRUNTS
35:32Right.
35:34Got a padlock each, so it needs both of them.
35:37It does if you want to get into it.
35:39Don't you trust me?
35:41You said you're a liar, didn't you?
35:56You can just ask me, you know.
35:58Ask you what? My hand.
36:00You keep staring at it like it's a pair of tits.
36:02No, I don't. You do.
36:04Hand versus industrial metal pressing machine.
36:07Guess who lost?
36:11Good lawyer could get you six figures.
36:13Oh, my God, I never thought of that.
36:15No, me, um...
36:17My manager, he gave me some whisky after it happened.
36:20Don't tell the boss upstairs that you saw this.
36:22It'll just take the edge off it.
36:25I downed the lot.
36:27On account of the extreme fucking agony I were experiencing.
36:29He later claimed that I were drinking on the job,
36:31so it'll pay out.
36:33For me.
36:40You can ask me anything, you know.
36:42I'm all right, actually.
36:44PHONE RINGS
36:45Sorry, I've got to take this.
36:47Hello, Samuel speaking.
36:50Are you joking?
36:52OK. No, thanks, it's great.
36:54Can I call you back? It's not a good time.
36:56Thank you.
36:58Who were that?
37:00It's my cat, Major Tom.
37:02Your what?
37:04No, that cat's not calling me, obviously.
37:06It was my estate agent.
37:08When we moved out of the house in London,
37:10the cat went AWOL and it seems he's back.
37:13You moved out and you left your cat behind?
37:18What the fuck am I doing?
37:22What now?
37:24I don't know.
37:26What are you supposed to do after something like this?
37:31BIRDS CHIRP
37:33GENTLE MUSIC
37:59I thought you could use this.
38:01Soy, right?
38:03Colin, you're the best.
38:05It's all right. I was passing anyway.
38:10I'd better be getting on.
38:16Why don't you just ask her out?
38:18I've, er, actually written her a note.
38:21Great. Just what every grown woman wants.
38:24Follow it up by pulling her pigtails
38:26and telling her she smells and you're golden.
38:28Love might have been in the air for Colin,
38:31but for Arthur Lake, it was quite the opposite.
38:35As he sat there, lost in a haze of pain and sadness,
38:39the last thing he needed to hear was the words...
38:42You're right, buddy.
38:46Buddy.
38:50Who are you?
38:52Ben. You don't know me.
38:54Or my name, clearly.
38:56I just wanted to say how sorry I was
38:58about what happened to your life partner.
39:00I really am sorry, buddy.
39:02It's all right if I call you buddy, isn't it?
39:05You seem nice.
39:07I'm not that way inclined, you know,
39:09but if I were, I'd be interested.
39:11He probably wouldn't be interested in me anyway, would he?
39:14I wonder who would.
39:16Ian, maybe.
39:18Do you know Ian?
39:21Arthur.
39:23Come on.
39:27How you doing?
39:29As you'd expect.
39:31I know you'd rather be anywhere but here right now,
39:33only something's come up.
39:35What do you mean?
39:37Mark took a unit boat out onto the water,
39:39but the case didn't reassign to it.
39:41It don't exist.
39:44Sorry, I don't...
39:46Erm, what are you asking me?
39:48He takes a police vessel out into the ocean at night, on his own.
39:52Next thing we know, we find him in that fishing boat
39:55with an as-yet unidentified body.
39:57Are you saying he was on the take?
39:59Because if you are, sir, that's some fucking bollocks.
40:02Not here, lad, in my office.
40:04I'll find where he am, thanks.
40:06We're just trying to piece things together, that's all.
40:08I fucking loved him!
40:10So don't you dare stand there and make out
40:12like him being killed was somehow his fault.
40:14Mark was a good officer.
40:16The whole force has suffered a loss to date.
40:19Nice eulogy.
40:21You're going to bear his reputation alongside his fucking corpse?
40:47Nice and easy.
40:49Good boy.
40:51I'm not doing rock, paper, scissors.
40:54Why?
40:55Cos it's stupid.
40:57And we've got pubes now, that's why.
40:59What about foot, cockroach, nuclear bomb?
41:04What the fuck is that?
41:06Well, it's basically rock, paper, scissors.
41:08Oh, for fuck's sake. No, I'm not doing it.
41:11All right, well, answer me this.
41:13How many times did you fail your driving test?
41:17Twice.
41:19Three times.
41:20Fucked up the three-point turn.
41:22Well, there you go.
41:23You're driving this time.
41:25Do me a favour.
41:26Have a little think about what we're going to eat later.
41:29This place I drew the map on looks lovely.
41:3320% voucher off an eye.
41:36You know it makes sense.
41:38Right, let's do it.
42:08Fuck.
42:38Fuck.
43:09Fuck.
43:10Fuck.
43:11Fuck.
43:12Fuck.
43:13Fuck.
43:14Fuck.
43:15Fuck.
43:16Fuck.
43:17Fuck.
43:18Fuck.
43:19Fuck.
43:20Fuck.
43:21Fuck.
43:22Fuck.
43:23Fuck.
43:24Fuck.
43:25Fuck.
43:26Fuck.
43:27Fuck.
43:28Fuck.
43:29Fuck.
43:30Fuck.
43:31Fuck.
43:32Fuck.
43:33Fuck.
43:34Fuck.
43:35Fuck.
43:37Please.
43:38Please.
44:07Fuck.
44:08Fuck.
44:09Fuck.
44:10Fuck.
44:11Fuck.
44:12Fuck.
44:13Fuck.
44:14Fuck.
44:15Fuck.
44:16Fuck.
44:17Fuck.
44:18Fuck.
44:19Fuck.
44:20Fuck.
44:21Fuck.
44:22Fuck.
44:23Fuck.
44:24Fuck.
44:25Fuck.
44:26Fuck.
44:27Fuck.
44:28Fuck.
44:29Fuck.
44:30Fuck.
44:31Fuck.
44:32Fuck.
44:33Fuck.
44:34Fuck.
44:35Fuck.
44:41Please.
44:42Get out.
44:43Get out.
44:54Read it when this is done on you.
44:57Shit.
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