НАLFWАУ ТО НАLLОWЕЕИ (2023)
Transcript
00:00Welcome to the show, darlings, and happy halfway to Halloween.
00:14As we all know, there are so many of you little goblins and
00:19gooly goos out there who just love all things Halloween and
00:22horror. But unfortunately, you've got another six months
00:25until your favorite holiday is here. And we feel it would just
00:28be cruel to make you wait all through the spring and summer
00:31just to get your fiendish fix. So we've decided as the newest
00:36self-appointed sentinels of Samhain to give you a little
00:38sustenance by creating our own holiday special that will give
00:42you a sinful serving of Halloween and horror that is
00:44guaranteed to keep you well fed until October 31st. You see
00:50tonight, we've put a special call out to all of our fellow
00:53famous monsters to come together and join us for a sinister
00:56spectral spectacular filled with blood, gore, witches,
01:01vampires, and all things that go bump in the night for a
01:04halfway to Halloween celebration. So why don't you
01:10just go ahead and turn down the lights, lock your doors, and
01:13pull those covers up over your heads because it's time for the
01:17Boulay Brothers Halfway to Halloween TV special to begin.
01:26I mean, what's the deal with pitchforks? I've never seen a
01:53villager bale hay. Well, I quit my job. You quit? I quit.
02:01Get out. Why did you do that? I can't work for that guy
02:05anymore. He's insane. Literally. What did you expect?
02:11He's a mad scientist. You know, you never see any normal
02:17scientists. They're all mad. Just once, I'd love to work for
02:23a normal scientist. You know what this means, Igor. Without
02:27a job, you're gonna have to move back in with your parents.
02:33Great. I give up one mad scientist for two mad parents.
02:38Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe one person who's more insane
02:42than my parents.
02:48Well, full moon. So? So. So what? Look at my face. It's
02:57covered with fur. I got fangs. Just don't kill anyone. This
03:02isn't gonna kill anybody. You're a werewolf. It's what you
03:05do. You kill people. I can manage to not kill anybody for
03:11one full moon. You, you can't go one full hour without
03:15killing somebody. I can last longer than you. Care to make
03:21it interesting?
03:25What are you thinking? I'll bet you $100. You kill someone
03:30before me. I want an omelet. A great deal. Hey, count me in
03:34too. You? Yeah. You don't kill people. You're a lab assistant.
03:38We're monsters. We kill people. Oh, I kill people. What do you
03:42think I do on my days off? Okay, but you're gonna have to
03:44put in more money. Yeah. $500. Deal. Alright. Get him up. Now,
03:56may the best monster or lab assistant win.
04:08Oh. What do you want to eat? Huh?
04:20Time to die. Yeah. Jimmy, I've told you, playing with dolls
04:27is for girls. Now, get ready for bed.
04:32Hey, kids. Do you want to kill your awful parents but you're
04:35not sure how to hide the body? Well, have we got the answer
04:38for you. Introducing the Easy Cake Cremation Oven.
04:46Simply murder your parents.
04:52Dismember their bodies and set your cremation ovens to 1600
04:57degrees Fahrenheit and watch your worries disappear.
05:05Oh, look. It's Mommy's wedding ring. Kids, what's that smell?
05:13Smells like something's burning. Let me give you a hand.
05:18That's what we were hoping. The new Easy Cake Cremation Oven
05:22comes with everything you see here. Light bulb not included.
05:35Nothing quite says Halloween like murdering your family,
05:44does it? Absolutely not. I mean, just look at Michael
05:49Myers. He's made a killing out of it. Well, speaking of
05:55Michael Myers and murder, that reminds me. We've already seen
05:58the devil, a werewolf, an eagle, and a Frankenstein
06:02sign filled. We haven't really seen any blood yet and I'm
06:05starting to get a little thirsty. Me too. What about you
06:10darlings? Are you ready for a little blood? Well, I hope you
06:14are because coming up next, we've got a campground slasher,
06:18a satanic siren, and a trip to the puppet theater that you
06:21won't soon forget. So, without further ado, let's begin the
06:25next abominable act by welcoming to the stage the
06:28satanic singing sensations themselves, the one and only
06:32twin temple.
06:58Thank you.
07:28Make it in her extra fun. We'll set the night on fire and light up the golden dawn.
07:59The bells will ring and say now it's time. She's the mother of
08:06my abomination. Don't want a wedding. I want an invocation.
08:17The sacred four I call upon.
08:25Sacred four I call upon.
08:30All I call upon. Mom, am I wrong?
08:36Seven, seven, seven days a week. Seven, seven, seven days a week.
08:46Seven, seven, seven. She makes me bleed.
09:00Seven, seven, seven days a week.
09:14Ba, ba, ba, Babylon. Sacred four I call upon.
09:24Ba, ba, ba, Babylon. Sacred four I call upon.
09:32My little Babylon
09:34Babylon
09:36Babylon
09:38Babylon
09:40Babylon
09:42My Babylon
09:44Babylon
09:46Sacred Babylon
09:48Whoa
09:50My Babylon
09:52Whoa
09:54My Babylon
09:56My little Babylon
09:58My little
10:00Babylon
10:16Are you ready for fun?
10:18Are you ready for friends?
10:20Are you ready for adventure?
10:22Well we don't have any of those
10:24things here, but if you drop your
10:26kids off with us here at Camp Arawak
10:28you can have all that and more
10:30Wait, did we change that?
10:32Cause, I'm, okay
10:34Can we do it again? But if you drop your
10:36kids off with us here at Camp Happy Trail
10:38you can have all
10:40that and more
10:42And I don't mean just for a few weeks
10:44I mean forever
10:46Have you tried
10:48everything with little Jessie but she's
10:50still just an annoying little bitch no matter
10:52what you do?
10:54Is driving Tommy to repetitive boring
10:56football games and never ending
10:58sports practices ruining your social
11:00life? Do you hate
11:02looking at Jan's face because even
11:04though she can't help it she looks just like
11:06your mother-in-law and that's never gonna change?
11:08And you just can't take it
11:10for one more goddamn day?
11:12Well here at Camp Happy
11:14Trail we know exactly how
11:16to help
11:18Here we are in our
11:20We at Camp Happy Trail
11:22know exactly how to help
11:24At Camp Happy Trail
11:26we specialize in taking care
11:28of problem teens like yours
11:30no matter what the issue may be
11:32Our specially trained counselors
11:34they've seen it all and can help
11:36with problems that therapists
11:38priests and teachers say can't
11:40be fixed
11:42With exciting activities like
11:44archery
11:54axe throwing
12:08and knot tying
12:14After one season of being with us here at Camp
12:16Happy Trail you can rest assured
12:18that your little mistake won't be coming home
12:20again anytime soon
12:24Laughing
12:28Right Johnny?
12:30I'm sorry
12:32I was such a dick my whole life
12:34Too late
12:36Laughing
12:38So
12:40you're looking for the next
12:42graded
12:46Just one
12:50Screaming
12:52Screaming
12:54Screaming
12:56Screaming
12:58Screaming
13:00Screaming
13:02Screaming
13:04So anyway
13:06you should call us today
13:08Camp Happy Trail to begin
13:10your new journey and a whole new
13:12life without any baggage
13:14today
13:16Call 1-800-CAMP-KIDS
13:18to book your child's stay today
13:20Screaming
13:22Screaming
13:24Screaming
13:26Screaming
13:28Screaming
13:30Screaming
13:32Screaming
13:34Screaming
13:36Screaming
13:38Screaming
13:40Screaming
13:42Sorry I didn't see you standing there
13:44Greetings! Oils and ghouls
13:46witchy poos and boo berries
13:48The perfect time of year
13:50for a horror comic
13:52You think comic books are just spandex and superheroes?
13:54Think again my friend
13:56Horror comics have been around since the 1940s
13:58From Dr. Occult to
14:04These things were so spooky
14:06that even the government tried to get them banned
14:08There were senate hearings in 1954
14:10blaming horror comics
14:12for juvenile delinquency
14:14It was
14:16It was
14:20And you know what we have to say to censorship
14:22don't you? We say
14:24Fuck censorship with a witch's broken tip
14:26That's what we are
14:30Okay
14:32Maybe I'm getting a little too freaked out
14:34reading this thing
14:36But you know what? I gotta find out how it ends
14:38So if you'll excuse me
14:46Good evening my frightful fanatics
14:48My deathly devotees
14:50Tonight's tale takes us into the world
14:52of a loving puppet maker
14:54and his wife
14:56The puppets are their children
14:58And you know what they say about children
15:00They see all
15:02They see all
15:04They see all
15:06They see all
15:08They see all
15:10They see all
15:12They see all
15:14They see all
15:16Even when we think
15:18they aren't watching
15:20Ahahahah
15:22Aaaaahahahah
15:24Aaaah
15:26Aaaah
15:28Aaaah
15:30Aaaah
15:32Aaaah
15:34Aaaah
15:36Aaaah
15:38Aaaah
15:40Aaaah
15:42The puppeteer loved his puppets with all his heart.
15:53Have some hot tea, my dear.
15:56Your cough will wake the dead.
15:59Thank you, my love.
16:00Well, of course, my dove.
16:03Now, now, let me get back to work.
16:06My little children need me.
16:17The puppeteer loved performing, and his wife helped to run their struggling business.
16:24But alas, the life of a puppeteer's wife isn't resplendent with the fancy mink stalls and
16:32jewelry that the puppeteer's wife felt she deserved.
16:36But she had a plan that she had been implementing slowly but surely, drop by drop, for quite
16:44some time.
17:08She cashed in his life insurance and sold the old theater where the puppeteer had plied
17:13his trade, and then she planned to sell all of the puppets that people would be willing
17:19to buy.
17:20And for those that didn't...
17:21And these old puppets can just go in the trash.
17:22They're just wood and string, wood and string.
17:23Worthless.
17:24Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
17:54Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
17:58Ahhh
18:03Aaaaaa
18:09Aaaaaaa
18:16Word on the street
18:18He's in life
18:20A funny thing!
18:50Now that was some scary shit kids, but it's just a comic book, absolutely nothing to be
19:12scared of, because...
19:19OH SHIT!
19:24OH SHIT!
19:30Now that was entertaining.
19:47Twin Temple are so cool.
19:52I just love the devil.
19:56A Halloween may be all about monsters, horror, and getting scared, we mustn't forget that
20:01it's also all about candy and treats.
20:03And we happen to have a special guest chef here on hand who is going to give you a lesson
20:07on how to make some quick, delicious holiday fare that is sure to satiate all of the little
20:11trick-or-treaters in your neighborhood.
20:13And speaking of creepy cuisine, we also have a super weird musical guest who came here
20:18all the way from Russia just to perform a song that celebrates her favorite Halloween
20:22treat, ravioli!
20:29Bon Appetit, uglies, and let the show begin!
20:33Ravioli?
20:34Hello darlings, I'm Barbara Crampton, welcome to my kitchen.
21:03I'm going to teach you how to prepare some of my favorite, fast, spooky recipes that
21:10are guaranteed to make you feel like the season of the witch is right around the corner.
21:16I'll start things off with a finger food recipe.
21:22Crush the meat around the bone and the knuckles so that you can loosen them up.
21:26So I'm using a nutcracker, oh my god that's amazing, do you hear that crunch?
21:32It's going to be delicious.
21:34And then you want to sprinkle a little bit of lemon, and some extra virgin olive oil,
21:41I always use it.
21:42Don't they look delicious?
21:45I might have to take a little sip of them.
21:50Next, crane fiches soix, here, we're going to take a fresh head, crack open the cranium,
22:00ready?
22:01Oh!
22:02Oh my gosh, well, you know it gets a little messy, but um, it's worth it.
22:11We're actually going to take the brain out of the skull, so all that delicious juice
22:17in there.
22:18I'm going to lift this up, there we go, oh my god that looks amazing, and we're going
22:24to take that and pop it, just like that, bam, beef broth, there you go, I didn't measure
22:33but I think that should be good.
22:35I think this is the best part of the whole recipe, pig's feet, yummy, mash that in, maybe,
22:42I don't know, one more, that didn't feel like quite enough, it already sounds delicious.
22:50Perfect, look at that beautiful crimson color, that is going to be amazing, oh my gosh.
22:59We're going to take the whole head and bake it in the oven for about two hours.
23:05Ooh la la, as you can see, the finished dish is just, well, to die for.
23:18Last but not least is our main course, which is a classic cannibal charcoal barbecue, see
23:25what I did there?
23:26Now as you can see, I already have a fresh carcass, but what I'm going to show you is
23:34how to glaze it.
23:35Now first, you want to take the giblets out, yeah, they're a little stringy, but they're
23:43going to be so yummy, my hand's got a little, I don't know, red from all the blood, I've
23:49got to wipe them off, yeah, that's good, now you're going to mix this right up with some
23:55other stuff.
23:56First, we have a little soy sauce, pour that right in, yeah, everybody loves ketchup, you
24:02can put it on anything, that is going to be amazing, now just toss it all over the crispy
24:10exterior of the body, so voila, that's all the time we have today, my friends, I hope
24:19you enjoy making these recipes with your family as much as I enjoyed making them with your
24:25family.
24:26Happy halfway to Halloween, ghouls, and we'll see you next time on From Beyond Barbara's
24:33Kitchen, it's delicious.
24:40Do you have questions about your love life?
24:42Do you wonder if you'll meet the man of your dreams?
24:44Are you curious about how many kids you'll have or how rich you'll be one day?
24:48Do you want to know if your husband is cheating on you?
24:50Well now you can get the answers to all of these questions and more by calling us here
24:53at the Halfway to Halloween hotline.
24:56Everybody knows Halloween is the time when our world is closest to the spirit world,
25:01but if you need help now, our Halfway to Halloween operators are standing by to connect you directly
25:08to some spooky spirits who can answer all your psychic questions and more.
25:14Let's take a call now and I'll show you how easy it is.
25:21Hello, caller, how can we help you?
25:24Oh yeah, that slutty witch costume is so fucking hot, I just want to stick my face in your...
25:31Whoa, uh-huh, let's move on to the next caller.
25:37Hello, stranger, how can we help you?
25:40Hi, my mom doesn't know I'm gay, but I was...
25:42Yes, she does.
25:45And it's your best friend. She's the one.
25:47Are you sure? The spirits can see that.
25:50Well, no, but honestly, your friend sounds like a real bitch.
25:54Oh my gosh, thank you, you helped me so much.
25:56Oh, thank you. Bye bye now.
25:59Bye.
26:00God, what a fucking loser.
26:01Excuse me?
26:03Hello? Knock knock.
26:05Uh, who's there?
26:06I'm glad you asked. For an easy payment of $59.99 per minute, you can have these answers and more.
26:12Hi, so I have a stalker and I want to know if he's watching me now.
26:15Ooh, okay, let me see what my tarot cards hold for you.
26:23Oh, the death card. Uh, death does not necessarily mean you're gonna die.
26:30See, the death card holds many meanings.
26:33You know, in some cultures, death means rebirth.
26:40Hello?
26:42Call us now at the Halfway to Halloween hotline and get your questions answered today.
26:50Our service and website are for entertainment only. The service is for adults 18 years of age and older.
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31:26Resume quickly narration.
31:28Stay tuned Dougleys.
31:40Look, okay?
31:41Don't be nervous.
31:43We have already done it with a few girls now and you promised we could do it with a guy
31:46next.
31:47Yeah I know.
31:47Come on baby it's our anniversary be adventurous.
31:51But what if he tries something with me.
31:55That is going to be fun.
31:56If he tries something else, I mean, he's going to hurt them.
31:58I know.
32:01Ah!
32:02Ah!
32:03Oh, my God.
32:04I think that's him.
32:05Yeah.
32:06I think.
32:07Hi.
32:08Hi.
32:09Uh, go, go get him.
32:10Go around.
32:11Go around.
32:12Let him in.
32:13Let him in.
32:14OK, OK.
32:15That scared me, but OK.
32:16Wait, how do I look?
32:17How do I look?
32:18How do I look?
32:19Good?
32:20OK, good.
32:21OK.
32:22Let him in.
32:23Let him in.
32:25Whoa.
32:30You, you are much bigger in real life.
32:35Yeah.
32:36That's what they always say.
32:38I bet they do.
32:41Oh, my God.
32:42Oh, my God.
32:43Oh, my God.
32:44Oh, my God.
32:45Please don't.
32:46Uh, I'm a lumberjack.
32:47I thought you said you read my profile.
32:49I don't read.
32:50Shiva.
32:51I did, and I forgot to tell you he's a lumberjack.
32:52You didn't tell me.
32:53He's a lumberjack.
32:54I forgot to tell you.
32:55You gotta tell me.
32:56He's a lumberjack.
32:57I'm so sorry.
32:58Please sit down.
32:59I'll, uh, get some drinks for us.
33:01Phew.
33:02You have an axe.
33:03That's awesome.
33:04Ah.
33:05Look, I just, I just have to ask.
33:07Do you do this sort of thing often?
33:09Oh, yeah.
33:10Sometimes couples just need someone to come into their relationship and, uh, tear them up.
33:18You know what I mean.
33:19Yeah.
33:20Yeah.
33:21I mean, I have, I don't know if we're looking for all that, but...
33:24It's like sometimes I start off just wanting to have a little bit of fun.
33:28Once I get started, I just get out of control.
33:33Before you know it, I get so heated up and I just want to split them both in two.
33:39Oh, God.
33:40Okay.
33:41Tired.
33:42Look, we are very excited for what happens next.
33:46Um, just be gentle.
33:49You know what?
33:50I am going to get into something a little more comfortable, and I want you two to bond.
33:56Okay?
33:57Okay.
33:58It's gonna be great.
33:59Wait till you see what she has planned for you.
34:02It's gonna be amazing.
34:09Oh.
34:10Oh.
34:11Hmm.
34:12All right, guys, that's what I'm talking about.
34:17Ah.
34:18Ah.
34:19Ah.
34:20Ah.
34:21Ah.
34:22Oh, my God.
34:23It hurts.
34:24It hurts.
34:25It hurts.
34:26Boys, make sure you save some for me.
34:44All right, boys, I'm coming.
34:49I can't handle these two brains.
34:58Open up, baby.
34:59Don't be scared.
35:01It only hurts when it first goes in.
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