Compton Abbey (Comedy) Short Movie
Compton Abbey is a 21-minute comedy short film that was recently released on YouTube. The film follows an anxiety-driven character as they experience a surreal night out that blends urban comedy with British drama.
Transcript
00:00Good evening, my name is Chris Desmond and this is Continental.
00:11Papa, you saw we got tagged again.
00:24What is the cracker anyway?
00:27Never mind that.
00:28The answer is no. Compton Abbey will not be hosting a Source Awards after party.
00:33Fine. Don't embrace the community. Cracker.
00:41Bro, you're not gonna believe what Snow White just said.
00:44Yeah, you're right. I'm not gonna believe. Because I'm stuck here doing dishes. This is slavery, Q.
00:50You know our ancestors...
00:51Bro, you slept with the drug lord's hoe. And now we gotta hide here because we be dead on the street.
00:55If I go out there, they kill me looking for you. So technically, I'm playing the cards you dealt.
01:01Now you wanna hear what she had to say or not?
01:03She talk about me?
01:05Hell no, she didn't talk about you.
01:07Hold up. Please tell me you did not tap that, man.
01:11I did not tap that.
01:13Thank you.
01:14Yet, mother...
01:21Are you okay, my lady?
01:23Franklin, you're the only one I can talk to who really listens. Why is that?
01:30Because I love you, yet you never hear my words.
01:35Did a letter arrive?
01:36No.
01:37Telegram?
01:38No.
01:39Smoke signal?
01:40Girl, just let it go.
01:41I'm destined to die in Compton Abbey. Alone. I withered all the maid.
01:48If I could get out just once, just one night outside these walls, could you?
01:56Would you take me?
01:58Hell yeah!
01:59And if I did, would you return the favor sexually?
02:04Oh, to see the things I've only fantasized about?
02:08Close enough!
02:15My dearest Louise.
02:17James?
02:19I thought you were dead.
02:21No, my love. I didn't die in the war.
02:24Sure, my company were slaughtered and left in the desert to die,
02:28but I found the carcass of a hyena and fashioned a two-bedroom cabana with one arm.
02:35I had nothing to eat and no real reason to live.
02:40You. You were my nourishment.
02:48Ain't that some shit?
02:50My lord, Madam had an accident and this time I don't mean her battles.
02:58Q, I messed up. I put a hit out on James.
03:01God damn it!
03:02And I had to! I can't have the love of my life marry someone else!
03:06Don't you meet the love of your life every two and a half weeks?
03:08Listen, when they rolled up on Soldier Boy, Madam was with him.
03:11And?
03:12They popped a cab in my arse. Perhaps this is an initiation.
03:17Are you alright?
03:18Yes, I'm fine. But your stepmother was wounded.
03:23Oh, thank God.
03:24Franklin, I want you to find out who did this.
03:27No!
03:28I'll find out.
03:31No.
03:35Oh, Franklin. Just the man I want to see.
03:39Um, where would one begin to investigate this shooting?
03:48Yeah, so what you want to do is, you want to head to the Onyx Nightclub on 153rd and Central at about 2 o'clock in the morning.
03:56Now make sure you bring a gun and make sure they know you have it.
03:59Now this next part is really important.
04:02You're going to have to use the N-word. A lot.
04:09Dear Lord, I'm broke.
04:13I made a large investment in a company so ingenious to make a blanket with sleeves.
04:17Who could foresee that it would lose money?
04:20Anybody not white?
04:21What am I going to do?
04:23You can start by fattening a new butt, my bitch.
04:25Hold on, man. What happened?
04:27Dude, he's broke and we back out on the street.
04:29Oh, not an option. Juan Calderon is still looking for us.
04:32We take one step on the street, we dead.
04:34You know him?
04:35I'm having a real hard time trying to figure out who in this room I hate more.
04:41Did I tell you? I saw a car the other day that bounced up and down.
04:46Oh, here comes one now.
04:48What's up, girl?
04:49Good morning.
04:50Beatrice, a situation has arisen and we need to be mindful of our money.
04:56For how long? I have an appointment at the salon.
04:59You must cancel.
05:01Jamaica has a two-month wait list.
05:04Don't.
05:13Franklin, any news from James?
05:16Maybe it's best you let him go.
05:19You're hiding something.
05:21What secret must you tell me?
05:23I don't know anything about a letter.
05:26My dearest Luis, I'm sorry but I can't be with you.
05:31I'm into weightlifters. Big, muscular weightlifters.
05:35Besides, any woman in her right mind would be with Franklin.
05:39He's kind, dependable and loyal.
05:42They say that once you go black, you never go back.
05:45He would be worth this journey.
05:48Yours, never more.
05:51He would be worth this journey.
05:54Yours, never more.
05:58James.
06:00This doesn't have to be weird.
06:03There's truth in this.
06:05Perhaps a truth I've known this whole time.
06:09You have?
06:11Yes.
06:13I have to kill myself.
06:17Bitch, what?
06:18Quincy, Juan Calderon will be our guest for lunch.
06:22I'm going to propose to him an offer that will save Compton Abbey.
06:27Of all the people you could invite, you picked the one drug lord that wants our ass.
06:32That's him now.
06:38Mama, what a surprise.
06:41Just when you thought you hit rock bottom.
06:49Franklin.
06:51Have you seen my medication?
06:54I was cleaning the sink, and it fell into the toilet.
06:58All 49 bottles?
07:00It was a tough stain.
07:02I could just as easily throw myself off the roof of Compton Abbey.
07:10I'm sorry.
07:12I'm sorry.
07:14I'm sorry.
07:16I'm sorry.
07:22Not without the roof key.
07:42Oh, that smell.
07:44Smells like three-day-old tuna fish sandwich sprinkled in dust.
07:49I haven't smelt that since, um...
07:52Oh!
07:53How's my Nubian prince?
07:57Miss me?
07:59I haven't seen you since I was mistaken for a Russian whore and suddenly deported.
08:09Yeah, that was crazy.
08:12I'm back now to make you an offer.
08:17I know you've been resistant due to our age gap.
08:23That ain't the gap that scares me, lady.
08:26I'm here to write my last will and testament.
08:33And I want to include you, Franklin.
08:37Really?
08:39But you need to include me first.
08:50Hold on, man.
08:51Hey, hey, man.
08:52Where you going?
08:53Where you going?
08:54Long Paul Duran is on his way over here right now.
08:55You know what's going to happen if he follows him?
08:56Oh, man, that's just perfect.
08:58I got the love of my life trying to kill herself, a drug lord on his way to kill me,
09:03and Granny Grabass trying to put me in her will,
09:06and my best friend leaving me when I need him the most.
09:09Whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:10You and Golden Girl's will?
09:11Not yet.
09:12And what you got to do to get in?
09:19Fuck that.
09:20We staying.
09:25Don't you worry, Quincy.
09:27Senor Calderon gave me his word he would arrive.
09:30Do you want to know my plan?
09:31It'll just make me want to punch you.
09:33For the loan to save Compton Abbey,
09:35I will provide Senor Calderon the protection of Her Majesty's Royal Guard.
09:40Is it hard drinking tea with your head up your ass?
09:49Senor Calderon, what a pleasure.
09:55You look real familiar, Doc.
09:56I wasn't even there.
09:58Welcome to Compton Abbey.
10:00Thanks, Holmes.
10:01Damn, you got a nice place, Holmes.
10:04Can't even tell you how many times I've driven by here.
10:07Wonder what kind of shit is on the inside.
10:10Nice shit.
10:15Quincy, have you seen the noose I left in the bathroom?
10:19Girl, you need to move on.
10:20That boy ain't worth your life.
10:21Hell, he wasn't worth his.
10:23You cut to the quick, Quincy.
10:26You're so wise.
10:28Dumb enough to still be here, though.
10:30Only a pure soul would know exactly what I need to hear.
10:34I feel something stirring within.
10:37Girl, I told you they often charade us.
10:39Wait a minute.
10:42Yes, I think I'm in love with you.
10:45What?
10:48Okay, so that's how you want to play it.
10:51Watch what happens.
10:53Here's my name.
10:54Slip that jungle fever into neutral, Grandma.
10:57I ain't got the time.
10:58Oh, hey.
11:01So let me get this straight, eh?
11:03I give you money, and you offer me protection?
11:07I swear my life on it.
11:11I don't know, ese.
11:13I might need to sleep on it, eh?
11:15Then stay as our guest.
11:17Franklin!
11:18Franklin!
11:19I need for you to make up a guest room for Señor Calderon.
11:27A while back, I caught my old lady sleeping with another guy.
11:30In my own fucking bed.
11:32I swore I would kill whoever it was, and you know what?
11:36He looked just like you, ese.
11:39I get that all the time.
11:42You know what?
11:45I get that all the time.
11:57Yo, listen, Calderon is in the house, so we need to be on the same team.
12:01And I'm not moving in on your girl.
12:04You don't have to explain to me, Q.
12:07You have to explain to her.
12:10Yo, Londa, what the hell are you doing here?
12:12She's the new maid.
12:14Oh, you think you're just going to hole up here and be with some white girl?
12:17What the hell do you care? We broke up.
12:19I may not have you, but I'm going to make damn sure no one else does either.
12:39May I help you?
12:41Were those small hands?
12:43I doubt it.
12:44Are you the new maid?
12:46Yes, you're right.
12:47But don't you try any of that mess of crap on me.
12:50I will cut you.
12:59Quincy, who is that heavenly creature?
13:02She's all yours, man.
13:04Jonathan?
13:05A man and his twelve cousins are loading the drawing room furniture into a truck.
13:10Yes, Senor Calderon offered to steam clean them off-site for free.
13:14He says that when they come back, we won't even recognize them.
13:20Oh.
13:24Franklin, have you seen Quincy?
13:27Last time I saw him, he was with his wife.
13:31His wife?
13:35How can one heart break so many times?
13:38Listen, I'm just going to say it, and I'm going to bring it hard.
13:44I love you.
13:45Any word from James?
13:47I want to marry you and have beautiful biracial babies with you, girl.
13:51Suppose if we haven't heard from him by now, Compton has lived.
13:55Louise, there's not another man that will love you more than I will.
13:58Louise, good news. They found James.
14:00Where?
14:01In a hubcap. He's at the hospital now.
14:03Oh, Papa!
14:04Damn!
14:09Hold up.
14:11You're just going to look at me like that and walk away?
14:14I'm a married woman.
14:18Yeah, but like, are you happily married, though?
14:22Of course not.
14:25You could be.
14:27I'm not.
14:29You're not?
14:30No.
14:31You're not?
14:32No.
14:33You're not?
14:34No.
14:35No.
14:36You could be.
14:38Mi amor.
14:40Ever since my school days, I have loved Espanol.
14:43For real?
14:46Donde esta la biblioteca?
14:50Que rica.
14:59Louise, I've sustained some injuries that I think we should discuss.
15:03I don't care.
15:06I can't fuck.
15:07Oh.
15:10But I know that our love is more than physical.
15:14Well...
15:15And I know that we'll be able to adapt as man and wife.
15:23James! A ring! No dick! It's all so sudden!
15:28You know, if you keep staring at me like a bitch, I'm going to have to slap you like a bitch.
15:41I apologize, but I find you absolutely stupendous.
15:50Well, rich boy, you ain't getting none of these candies until you break it off with your wife.
16:11Quincy, have you seen Franklin?
16:14You know what? He's very distressed, my lady.
16:16He's in love with someone.
16:18But he feels he's no match for her wisdom and experience.
16:21Did he say anything else?
16:23Yeah, he's going to sleep in the guest suite.
16:25In hopes that the bond that they share will bring her to him.
16:30Thank you, Quincy.
16:36And wear something nasty.
16:40You pumping grandma tonight.
16:42No, I'm not. I love Louise.
16:44Juan Calderon is in the house.
16:46You know what's going to happen if he catches us, though?
16:48Man, not with these tuxedos. These are Afro-invisibility.
16:51Fuckin' do it! You are the bitch that slept with my bitch.
16:53I'm going to kill you.
16:55If you shoot him right now, the house is going to go a lot down.
16:58And you can't rob a white boy blind.
17:02Fuck. You're lucky my cousin's coming to get that piano.
17:05Look, look, look. Check it out.
17:07I'm not supposed to be telling you this, okay?
17:09But the woman of the house, you know the one you've been warming up to.
17:11Yeah, yeah.
17:12She's up in the guest suite right now waiting for you.
17:13Oh, yeah?
17:14Yes, and she requested that you leave the lights off.
17:17All right.
17:20You better not be lying.
17:22Because if you are, I'm going to find you and I'll fuckin' kill you.
17:26And then I'm going to find you and I'll fuckin' kill you, too.
17:29And I'm going to bury you next to him.
17:31So your lying asses can lie together forever.
17:41You're welcome.
17:45Quincy, the most horrible thing has happened.
17:47Mama was just finishing her will with the lawyer and then she passed.
17:50But she finished it, right?
17:55Franklin! Franklin!
17:57The most horrible news.
17:59James was driving back from the lawyers with Granny's will and got into a car accident.
18:03For real?
18:04He crashed into a garbage truck.
18:07He was able to leave the vehicle, but then walked into the crossfire of a driveway shooting.
18:12Keep going!
18:13As he stammered about, he was struck by the M2 bus heading north.
18:17He's not getting out.
18:18Then he flew in the air and crashed into the Wu-Tang Animal Gang pet shop window.
18:25By the time the paramedics got there, two Shih Tzus had had their way with him.
18:33Oh, James.
18:42Right. Well, there is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.
18:46I'm leaving your punk ass.
18:48Really? I mean, why?
18:50I feel trapped and unhappy.
18:52But you're British. How can you tell?
18:55To my son, I leave my collection of wool sweaters.
18:59I'm ruined.
19:03Sweet Louise, I leave my jewelry and my estate in Michigan.
19:09She left you Detroit, Abby!
19:11And to my favorite, Franklin, I leave Compton Abbey to do with what he will as well as all my assets.
19:18You will forever be my dark knight.
19:20I entered eternity the night you entered me and whispered Spanish in my willful ears till sunrise.
19:28Oh my God.
19:29Oh my God! I'm so ashamed.
19:33Louise, would you listen?
19:34Franklin!
19:35I did not sleep with your grandma!
19:37It doesn't matter!
19:38This week tomorrow, I will be in beautiful downtown Detroit.
19:41I don't understand.
19:44Look, we had some good times, eh, but this house is fucking crazy.
19:49Please slow down. My Spanish isn't that good.
19:51Good news. I told my wife. Now we can start a new beginning far away.
19:55You don't want to stay here?
19:57Well, I can't. My mom left the abbey to Franklin. A fresh start, isn't it exciting?
20:01You stupid!
20:02You stupid!
20:04You're mad with C's, D's, candies.
20:08You stupid!
20:10White boy!
20:16Man, I can't believe she's gone.
20:19Oh, she'll be back.
20:20I hope so.
20:22Yo, Q-Man, thanks for sticking around.
20:24That's what boys do.
20:29More champagne, my lord?
20:30Hell yeah. Next time, don't make me wait so long, jackass.
20:48Damn, that's good.
21:00You