Keeping Up Appearances - S05 E07 - The Boy Friend
Hyacinth sings to her heart's content when discovering Emmet's latest musical The Boy Friend is in production. Meanwhile, Daddy is once again thinking that he is back in the war and guarding Onslow's house with a bayonet, while Daisy hopes to have Onslow to herself for the day.
Transcript
00:30Ah, Vicka, how nice of you to drop by for a chat.
01:00Hyacinth! Telephone!
01:03Shh! Please don't shout in the street, Richard.
01:08I apologise, Vicka. I must answer my white slimline telephone with Lassandra in my facility. It's bound to be someone important.
01:17Oh, do pick the vicar up, Richard. It makes the street look so untidy.
01:23And the lady of the house speaking. Sheridan!
01:32Oh, I'm so glad you've called, dear. You've saved mummy picking up the vicar.
01:38Daddy didn't tell me you were on the telephone.
01:41Oh, Sheridan, how could he not know it was you? You grew up together.
01:48You disguised your voice, dear. Why did you disguise your voice?
01:54Something personal you wish to share with mummy that daddy wouldn't understand.
02:00Oh, Sheridan, I think it's wonderful that you still feel you can confide in mummy.
02:07That we're still such pals.
02:10Now, what is it, dear? You need 70 pounds?
02:16This great cry ran out. My foot slipped off the pedal and I lost my balance.
02:21When she shouts like that, people do.
02:24Mrs Bucket... Bouquet has an extremely powerful voice.
02:29Look at the practice it gets.
02:34How do you manage?
02:37It's like the army. You just follow orders.
02:40Every move is worked out for you and your meals appear on time.
02:45But they only sign on for 20 years.
02:48I wonder who she's really quite kind.
02:51Oh, yes.
02:59Morning, all. Hang on, Emmett, I'm going your way.
03:03Fast, I hope.
03:05Chin up.
03:21Hey, handsome.
03:26Breakfast time, almighty husband.
03:36Breakfast time, oh man of my life.
03:47What's all this in aid of?
03:50Just a little thoughtful act of the kind wives do for husbands.
03:58I'm not doing the garden. I did it last year.
04:03You did it when?
04:05All right, year before last.
04:07It's not the garden.
04:09I thought we might spend the day together, just the two of us.
04:15Father's going to the over-60s.
04:18Rose has an appointment with a gentleman friend.
04:22We've got the house to ourselves.
04:26You're right, I should do the garden.
04:30Eat your breakfast.
04:47Good morning.
04:50Good morning.
05:01Looks clean to me.
05:03It does to me now.
05:13False.
05:16Plastic.
05:20Why does Sheridan need 70 pounds?
05:25At that age, they always need 70 pounds.
05:29Ever since I can remember, he's been at that age.
05:33Yes, it's true, he matured very early.
05:37Even in the Cubs, he had more equipment than the SAS.
05:43How it breaks a mummy's heart to see her son go off in uniform.
05:49To the Cubs scouts.
05:52For two hours on a Wednesday.
05:55I didn't see Emmet this morning.
05:58No, he left early.
06:00Poor, shy Emmet.
06:03It can't be easy for him to communicate with someone he sets on such a high pedestal.
06:10They're rehearsing The Boyfriend.
06:14Why didn't you tell me?
06:16Hiya, Simp. We've been married all these years, I've never been able to tell you anything.
06:21Two coffees, please.
06:24We'll have coffee at home. Come along, Richard.
06:33Very nice, thank you.
06:40MUSIC
06:44MUSIC
07:07Well?
07:09Any more bacon?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:19Poor Emmet. I'm sure he'd love to ask me to be in The Boyfriend, but he's too shy.
07:26I've noticed before I have this effect on him.
07:30He mustn't be jealous, Richard.
07:33It's purely platonic.
07:36But isn't The Boyfriend full of young people? 1920s flappers.
07:41Yes, it is. Wouldn't it be lovely?
07:45Won't he need someone younger?
07:49Well, I can do younger.
07:53It's all to do with acting. Make-up, wigs and things.
07:57You can't have forgotten my fairy queen in the church pantomime.
08:01I haven't forgotten her, but I don't think that I ever will.
08:12LAUGHTER
08:16She's out!
08:19Let me be the first to congratulate you on your timing.
08:23That is possibly the most beautiful phrase in the English language.
08:27She's out. It rings like music to the ears.
08:30They've gone out in the car.
08:32Was she singing anything? Especially anything 1920s?
08:36She was giving Richard his instructions, as usual. It wasn't singing.
08:40Oh, she will be.
08:42Once she learns I'm rehearsing The Boyfriend,
08:45she won't only be singing at me.
08:47She'll be singing 1920s at me.
08:50She can't expect a part in The Boyfriend.
08:53She's too old.
08:55Even Hyacinth wouldn't exp...
08:58LAUGHTER
09:05Oh, my clothes!
09:08Oh, my tooth!
09:16I'd be contented.
09:20Coffee in ten minutes, Elizabeth. Bring Emmett, won't you?
09:25LAUGHTER
09:48What are you doing here, our Rose? I thought you were out for the day.
09:52I've never been so insulted in all my life.
09:55If that's true, it must have been a big day.
09:59I was planning on a big day.
10:01I was planning on having Onslow to myself.
10:04Lucky you.
10:06I've been setting the stall out to ignite whatever spark is left.
10:10How are you doing?
10:12Not very well. We're out of bacon.
10:15I'll come with you.
10:17Oh, men. You can't trust them.
10:21Now, we all know it's not my style to be dictatorial.
10:25I don't want to overwhelm poor Emmett.
10:28This is something we have to do with tact and discretion.
10:32We have to do?
10:34I've been conscripted.
10:36Tis like the army.
10:38Now, when we're having coffee,
10:40I want you to walk in here very casually
10:43and switch on the hi-fi.
10:51You don't usually have music when they come for coffee.
10:54In fact, usually you have coffee in the kitchen.
10:56Normally, yes.
10:58But today I shall bring Elizabeth and Emmett in here.
11:01And we shall wallow in the superior ambiance
11:04of my house beautiful look-alike lounge.
11:10I feel an idiot just walking in and switching on the hi-fi.
11:14It's all ready.
11:16Just remember, not too loud, nothing excessive.
11:20You know me, I'm a great believer in understatement.
11:26I think you should change, dear.
11:28Why should I change?
11:30Oh, try to create a more 1920s atmosphere.
11:35Let people see it's something we're perfectly at home with.
11:39How am I going to do that?
11:41Oh, little touch of Fred Astaire.
11:44Come in as if you're in a good mood.
11:46Do a little twirl and a tap.
11:50That's not really me, Hyacinth.
11:53Don't be obstructive, Richard.
11:56We're trying to help Emmett.
11:58No.
12:00Tell her I've become allergic to coffee.
12:02Tell her I've just gone down with rigor mortis.
12:05Tell her I've gone to Greenland.
12:07Tell her I've... Ah.
12:09Now that's a good idea.
12:11Why don't I go to Greenland?
12:13Well, get the place warm and I'll follow you.
12:16Oh, no, it's no good.
12:18Even if I got to Greenland,
12:20I expect the first Eskimo I came across would be holding candlelight suppers.
12:26No, you might just as well get it over.
12:29Come and have a coffee and make it perfectly clear to her
12:33that you have already picked your cast
12:35and then she'll leave you in peace.
12:37She never leaves me in peace.
12:39I'm destined to go through the rest of my life
12:42bearing a Hyacinth.
12:44She's really very fond of you.
12:47I can't think why.
12:49I'm as nasty as I can be.
12:51She thinks you're attracted to her.
12:59Now, sit down, Richard.
13:02We need to talk.
13:04Now.
13:06Oh, percolator.
13:09If it's about Sheridan,
13:11he's getting no more money this month.
13:14It's not Sheridan, and you needn't be so mean with that child.
13:18He's not a child any more.
13:21At his age, Alexander the Great was conquering Persia.
13:28Well, I certainly don't want my Sheridan conquering Persia.
13:32You know he mustn't get overexcited.
13:36The way he spends, it's me that gets excited.
13:39Shouldn't that be I, dear?
13:41Oh, probably.
13:43So what did thou want to speak to I...
13:48..about?
13:50Don't be silly, dear.
13:52I want to prepare you for what will happen
13:55if Emmett offers me a part in the boyfriend.
13:58Oh, I shouldn't set too many hopes on that, Hyacinth.
14:03It'll mean many hours working with Emmett.
14:06There'll be days when you have to get your own supper.
14:11And there is something else, dear.
14:14I've noticed I have a very powerful effect on Emmett.
14:19But you know you can trust me,
14:21and I don't want you to be jealous.
14:24I think I might be able to manage that.
14:27Didn't you know he was married?
14:29Oh, yes, but I didn't know it was serious.
14:34What is he doing out?
14:36Ask your father.
14:38I thought he'd gone to the over-60s.
14:40Well, he came back again, didn't he?
14:42That's no reason for you to go out.
14:44That's what I told him.
14:46But he said it's a restricted military area
14:48and all civilians have to leave.
14:50He's off again.
14:52Nice, driven out your own house at Bainer.
14:55Nice, driven out your own house at Bainer Point.
14:58Where did he get a bayonet?
15:00I don't know where he got it from,
15:02but I could see where he thought it was going.
15:05Rose, did you forget to give him his pills?
15:09Oh, I thought you were giving him them.
15:12This old bloke gets no peace in his own house.
15:15If it's not his wife going, Broody, it's her crazy father.
15:18Well, I want him out before the racing starts on the telly.
15:21Oh, he's not crazy.
15:23He's just a bit senile.
15:25A bit?
15:27He thinks I'm a German paratrooper.
15:30I bet you'd look gorgeous in the uniform.
15:37Oh, come along, Emmett.
15:39Let's get it over with.
15:45Ring the bell.
15:47It's never too late to have a beer.
15:52Here.
15:56I can't do it.
15:57Yes, you can.
16:04You weren't really serious when you said,
16:07she thinks I'm attracted to her.
16:11She's noticed she has a powerful effect on you.
16:14You can say that again.
16:18And she thinks it's because you find her attractive.
16:22I think I want to die.
16:25Ring the bell.
16:32Elizabeth!
16:34Emmett!
16:37Poor Emmett.
16:38I do fluster him so.
16:40Come in, come in.
16:43Oh, it's never too late to fall in love.
16:50Richard will be with us in a flash.
16:52Oh, I expect that's someone important.
16:56No, no, no, no.
16:58We're in the lounge today.
17:01I'll be with you in a moment.
17:03Hey, residents, the lady of the house speaking.
17:07It's my sister Daisy.
17:09Daisy!
17:10She's not the one with the Mercedes sauna and room for a pony.
17:14Why are you calling from a telephone box, Daisy?
17:20What do you mean you can't get in? Have you lost your keys?
17:23Well, why won't Daddy let anyone in?
17:27He's had orders to defend the house to the last man.
17:32What a wonderful sense of duty Daddy has.
17:35Yes.
17:36Oh, I cannot come over, dear.
17:39We have guests.
17:46Just hold on a minute, will you, Daisy?
17:50I'm so sorry about this.
17:53Sister talk.
17:55Oh, sisters, sisters.
17:58Thou and ever such devoted sisters.
18:02Music, Richard. Music, dear.
18:05And pour the coffee out.
18:09Sisters, sisters.
18:12Thou and ever such devoted sisters.
18:15Now, where were we, Daisy?
18:17You've had to put another 20p in.
18:19Oh, I'm sorry about that.
18:21Yes.
18:22No, I will not allow Onslow to come over here and watch racing on my television.
18:29Now, I know you have a problem with Daddy, dear.
18:32What?
18:34He has a bayonet.
18:36Is it a real one or a toy one?
18:39Is it sharp?
18:41All right.
18:43All right, Daisy.
18:45Now, go back home and we'll be over straight away.
18:49I know you'll be disappointed, but something's just come up.
18:52Put that dreadful music off, Richard.
18:56We'll have coffee on the table.
18:59I'm afraid not.
19:01I'm afraid not.
19:03I'm afraid not.
19:05I'm afraid not.
19:07I'm afraid not.
19:09I'm afraid not.
19:11I'm afraid not.
19:13I'm afraid not.
19:15I'm afraid not.
19:17No, no, we'll have coffee on my return.
19:20Well, I hope it's nothing serious, Hyacinth.
19:22No, no, no.
19:24It's just that Daddy's locked himself in again, and this time he may cut himself.
19:28Off you go. I'll catch you later.
19:32Locked himself in?
19:34With a rifle and a bayonet.
19:36He's defending the house to the last man.
19:38Shall we call for help?
19:40I cannot allow Daddy to be manhandled by strangers.
19:44Now, Richard, you have to fetch him.
19:46For me?
19:47Yes, you.
19:48Is he violent?
19:49Yes, of course he's violent.
19:51He's defending the house to the last man.
19:55Now, what shall I wear?
20:03I can't see him.
20:06Perhaps he's forgotten all about it and gone back to bed.
20:10Somebody better go in and check.
20:12How about you?
20:13He's your father.
20:15Anyway, I can't go. He thinks I'm a Nazi paratrooper.
20:19I'll go.
20:36Ah, nice.
20:38And they'll soon be off at Wincanton.
20:40Tell him the war's over.
20:42He won't believe me.
20:44He'll think I'm a spy.
20:46Is that bayonet very sharp?
20:48I didn't fancy waiting to find out.
21:00It's been a funny day.
21:03I was hoping for a quiet day.
21:06Just the two of us.
21:08I'm still waiting for that bacon.
21:13Some people have foreplay.
21:16I have to grill bacon.
21:19I expect they've forgotten Daddy's medication.
21:22Daddy should be in a home which is organised.
21:26I'd have him with us in a flash if I wasn't rehearsing the boyfriend.
21:30Mind that old lady.
21:33Where was the old lady?
21:36Going into that shop.
21:39You think that I was going to ram-raid the shop?
21:42He's not enough.
21:44Bless him, he must be tired.
21:46Why should he be tired?
21:48It's a big responsibility, fighting a war all on your own.
22:09Oh!
22:14Oh, Daddy.
22:16Once he's better, we'll have him over.
22:19One afternoon.
22:21For tea and light refreshments.
22:24In the garden.
22:27The back garden, of course.
22:31Oh, good heavens.
22:34They've been selling tickets.
22:39No wonder Daddy thinks there's still a war on.
22:52Is it safe to get out, do you think?
22:55I don't think your father's going to hurt you.
22:58I'm not afraid of Daddy.
23:01It's the neighbours round here.
23:04What are you worried about?
23:07I feel like Marie Antoinette.
23:13Hello, Hyacinth. Hello, Richard.
23:15Hello, Daisy.
23:16Good morning, Daisy.
23:18It looks as if Daddy's causing quite a lot of interest.
23:21Yes, he is. Come on.
23:25Oh, by the way, this is Bert and Martha.
23:28This is my sister, Hyacinth.
23:30How do you do?
23:31And this is Charlie.
23:33He works down the drains and part-time in the sandwich shop.
23:38And this is Beryl and Willie.
23:40They're old friends of ours, but not that old.
23:44Oh, and I mustn't forget Ethel.
23:46She was Miss Southport in 1948.
23:49No.
23:54He's started to doze off again.
23:56This would be a good time, then.
23:58It doesn't take much to wake him.
24:00Which is more than could be said for some people.
24:05Right.
24:07Operation Daddy.
24:30Daddy?
24:39Poor Daddy. He's sleeping now.
24:42Sit down, Hyacinth.
24:52This one's yours. No sugar, right?
24:55Thank you. No sugar, that's right.
25:00I've been wanting to talk to you.
25:02Now, you know I would have Daddy with us,
25:04but he brings Sheridan out in a rash.
25:08It's not about Daddy.
25:10I've been wanting to talk to you privately.
25:13It's about Onslow.
25:15I've warned you, Daisy, not to marry him.
25:18I like being married to him.
25:20I think you're so brave, dear.
25:23It's just that we don't seem to be...
25:27you know, as close as we used to be.
25:32I was wondering if, uh,
25:34you and Richard were still, you know,
25:37as close as you used to be.
25:39Oh, yes, of course. Absolutely.
25:43I think Richard and I are the perfect pair.
25:47I can't think of a couple I admire more.
25:52I think that's nice.
25:54How do you keep his, uh...
25:57Attention?
25:59Oh, just raise your voice, dear.
26:03I've been meaning to ask you, Dickie.
26:05You and Hyacinth sleep in the same bedroom, don't you?
26:09Yes, why?
26:11And share a double bed?
26:13Yeah.
26:15You've got some nerve.
26:18I really do admire that.
26:21Just between you and me,
26:23how do you handle things when she gets a bit...
26:26you know, friendly?
26:28Friendly?
26:30Well, Hyacinth runs a very clean establishment,
26:33but I wouldn't call it friendly.
26:35What would you do if, in the middle of the night,
26:38you suddenly felt a friendly arm around you?
26:41I'd get straight up.
26:43I'd know I was in the wrong bed.
26:46And you mean you still find Onslow desirable?
26:50I always think he's like Marlon Brando
26:54in Streetcar Named Desire.
26:57Control yourself, Daisy.
27:00You're a married woman.
27:02Marriage is a fine institution
27:05designed to eradicate feelings like that.
27:11You know what your trouble is?
27:14You know what your trouble is?
27:16You've nothing to polish.
27:21You've no Royal Dumpton.
27:23I know.
27:25What about flower arranging?
27:28I don't think that would be quite the same thing.
27:33What's wrong with Daisy?
27:35She thinks Onslow's growing more and more attractive.
27:39I think that's rather nice, really.
27:43Mind the bus.
27:46I think you lost interest in me once you had Sheridan.
27:50Oh, don't be silly, dear.
27:53How can you say that?
27:55Who was it stuck by you when you wanted to join the History Book Club?
27:59I always made sure you had plenty to read.
28:02But you don't think that I'm growing more and more attractive, do you?
28:07Good heavens, no.
28:12LAUGHTER
28:15APPLAUSE
28:42THE END