An excited Hyacinth has put an advert in the local newspaper to teach people social etiquette, but the clientele proves far different from what she expected. It turns out they wanted a striptease dancer as a result of misreading her advert. Before leaving, she has to send Richard to get Daddy out.
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00:30was that the papers are you asleep Richard I'm surprised you can sleep you
00:46know it's an important day for me I'll be surprised if you can sleep much
00:54longer did you both the door door it's that thing that stops there being a
01:05hole in the wall a particularly dangerous time for intruders what
01:14happens to them I'm only thinking of our safety I don't want you worrying about
01:23intruders I wasn't worrying I was asleep lucky you I might be asleep if I thought
01:31you'd bolted the door why don't I go and bolt the door Oh Richard what a kind
01:43thought and see if the papers come while you're there oh that's what this is all
01:52about I thought I heard a noise it might have been the paper could have
01:58been an intruder and check the back door while you're there
02:08there it is have a good look lad that's the house the laird of the dragon lady
02:23mrs. Buck she's why we get up an hour early because it's worth it just to be
02:30able to walk down that path and delivered her milk without getting
02:33caught
02:44you want me to go better not I promise your mother I'll look after you you take
02:53that side I'll go I can do it just as long as I know she's safely in bed I'm
03:12checking as I go good question she's not getting up is she what kind of a man
03:33are you making your wife get up this early she's not getting up can I have
03:38that in writing I hope so right I'll clear this up just make quite sure that
03:46she's not getting up who are you talking to the milkman why is he always so early
04:00nowadays I miss our little chats yes so does he at every opportunity Richard
04:14you're not going back to sleep again it doesn't look like it surely you're a
04:19little excited to think I'm on the verge of a new career yeah I am a little
04:24excited I'm very sleepy and a little excited
04:40I must be up when the paperboy comes suppose when he pushes it through our
04:47letterbox he tears the very page displaying my advertisement I thought
05:00you were going I was going but her since keeps popping out every 30 seconds like
05:06a demented cuckoo clock I'm never gonna make it without her spotting me I thought
05:12you wanted to be early today I did want to be early but not so badly that I want
05:16to get entangled with Hyacinth you can't just stay indoors because you might meet
05:21Hyacinth oh yes I can I know when I'm well off there she goes again what on
05:29earth is she doing
05:46I'm never gonna make it you won't if you don't hurry I thought I heard him how
06:10can you hear a paperboy half asleep in trainers how much noise could he make I
06:15do hate it when they're late oh is he late perhaps I better make a phone call
06:22who would you call for a lost paperboy you can't call anybody he won't be lost
06:29he'll be on his way I wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately because I made him wash his ears
06:37what gave you cause to do that I caught him poking them
06:42I will not have my papers delivered by someone who pokes his ears
06:50you brought the paperboy in to wash his ears good heavens no Richard of course I didn't
06:58do I look like the kind of person who'd have a paperboy indoors
07:03no I took him out a wet wipe
07:08and I stood over him until he'd done the job properly
07:12I may not be able to influence many other ways of this world
07:15but at least my paperboy has clean ears paperboy
07:27oh what a beautiful gooey good morning Emmett off to work then no no I thought I'd just pop
07:36out and begin strangling overpowering ladies oh that's nice have you seen the paper so that's
07:44who you're waiting for I have an advertisement in the paper this morning I want to make sure
07:49they've placed it somewhere suitable I know what you mean Hyacinth there are certain things that
07:54we encounter in life that we'd all love to place somewhere suitable ah there he is now about time
08:01I'm sorry Emmett I can't stop to converse
08:06we must have our chat some other time young man
08:24what has happened to you have you ever tried to catch a paperboy
08:31tea tea oh is your advert in oh see if you can find it will you dear
08:41oh I can't focus properly the world's dancing about oh
08:49oh I'll have to collect myself before the phone begins to ring
08:53now that my advertisements appeared I shall be inundated with calls
08:57you'll have to help me Richard are you sure it's in this week look for somewhere prestigious
09:04it's quite small but they promised specifically to put it somewhere prestigious
09:08and what does it say experienced hostess offers her services for your special occasion
09:18followed by my telephone number
09:21well it is that all no wonder I can't find it
09:28short and dignified dear you know me I'm never one to go on at length
09:35not a lot of people know that
09:39don't be silly dear don't be silly here it is here it is short and dignified
09:46ah it's a big day for me Richard this could be the start of something important
09:55I could become the Barbara Cartland of the West Midlands social circuit scene
10:00yes not to mention a paperboy wet wiper of the year
10:06it's not just a career Richard it's my duty to share my impeccable taste for a well-laid table
10:14in my own small way I shall begin to advise and educate the nation in gracious living
10:21for my advanced classes I shall teach people to sparkle incandescently at their candlelight suppers
10:32oh I do hope you'll stop me Richard if I ever decide to chase another paperboy
10:40now what shall I wear to answer the telephone
10:44now you used to like me in that pink dress you used to say wow Dave's that pink dress
11:01what was it you liked about my pink one
11:04my pink dress you said you liked me in that pink dress oh days what kind of way is that to wake a
11:17person up other people get a cup of tea he said I looked really edible in that pink dress
11:28you haven't got a pink dress not now you tore it off me that night
11:34I tore it off you yes you did you must have been on fire
11:47it was you that was on fire you said I look like a strawberry ice with caramel topping
11:57you had to be prevented from licking me all over
12:05how long ago was this
12:11it was before we were married I figured that much
12:16will you come here a moment dear
12:20tell me does this look suitable for what for answering the telephone
12:29does it really matter what you look like answering the phone well of course it matters
12:33Richard people have a right to expect their social advisor to be suitably attired when
12:39answering the telephone Richard it could be my first client the McKay residence the lady
12:53oh it's you Violet Violet I can't stay long on the telephone dear
12:58I'm expecting some very important business calls I don't remember tearing your dress off
13:06are you sure you were with me do you mind I don't usually tear your dress off I've noticed
13:15I've usually got it off before I get through the door
13:18it was one of Rosa's engagement parties
13:22well that doesn't narrow it down much
13:26your Rose has had more engagement parties and I've had bags of crisps
13:31I heard that father's already up and dressed what's his hurry oh he goes to his hobby circle
13:38today but that's not till this evening he doesn't want to be late Rose who were you getting engaged
13:46to when I wore a pink dress a pink dress I can't remember me neither it was at one of your
13:55engagement dues what was I wearing well it wouldn't be white I can tell you that much
14:03but where are we going now sit there Richard and then you won't miss any calls
14:11I can hear the phone perfectly well from the lounge no you'll be quite comfy dear
14:16read something look the telephone book
14:21now I won't be a moment I'm simply going to invite Elizabeth for coffee well why don't
14:26you phone her that's what you normally do Richard we have to keep this line free it's bad enough
14:34that calls from people responding to my advertisement we'll have to take their
14:38turn stacking up at the exchange without making BT's life even more difficult
14:43no we may have to have a second line in store
14:47oh anyway if there's a call for me fetch me immediately I'll do that
14:55oh and do answer the telephone nicely Richard the way I do
15:00the lady of the house speaking
15:18no I do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls
15:22this is not the Chinese takeaway and will you please get off my white slimline telephone with
15:28last number redial we'll soon find out when it was I've got Rose sorting out photos from her
15:35engagement parties well you better give it a hand to carry them otherwise she'll give herself a hernia
15:42there's some of Rose's photos in here it's somewhere
15:47we can put that album on one side those are me early ones yes we can forget about the black and
15:53white ones and the sepia
16:11there you are dear thank you Harrison I'm so glad you could come Elizabeth but don't be surprised
16:19if I have to dash off to answer the telephone sounds very exciting this new venture of yours
16:24Harrison yes doesn't it also I feel it's a duty on my part you know good taste is so very rare
16:33these days there's a whole world out there in need of my advice cream oh thank you Harrison
16:40what exactly are the services you're offering oh everything connected with social etiquette
16:49and gracious entertaining sugar thank you everything from how to lay a table in the
16:55manner of your social betters oh no tongs to advice on menus for the unimaginative
17:04unimaginative the kind of things people experience at my candlelight suppers
17:15I wouldn't mind a coffee Richard go and sit by the telephone dear
17:22we will hear it in here excuse me Elizabeth do help yourself to a biscuit dear
17:28now look Richard I cannot be in two places at once I want you to sit here with pencil at the
17:37ready to take down names and addresses but I can hear the telephone perfectly well in the kitchen
17:45precisely delicious aren't they
17:50look I couldn't say this in front of Elizabeth but she does have this unfortunate habit of dropping
18:00something every time the telephone rings if this happens I might be distracted torn between the
18:07ringing and the fate of my polished table or handmade Burmese rug now sit here with your
18:16pencil at the ready
18:20fitting with my pencil at the ready
18:29oh I liked him I wish you'd married this one oh that one yes it looked all right but it was
18:37underpowered he was underpowered any more breakfast you've drunk it all
18:51who's this when were you engaged to this I don't know are you sure it's one of mine
19:00well that's you on his arm
19:01oh yes I don't remember him at all
19:1122
19:1423
19:17would you like a little top up dear oh no no no that's fine thank you Hyacinth well you
19:21mustn't let it get cold I shall also advise of course on appropriate music for elegant soirees
19:32and I know just the person to help me there Emmett
19:42we get on so well your brother and I
19:46I'm sure he'd enjoy working out a program with me oh soggy bickies
19:55Emmett's very busy Hyacinth perhaps on special occasions the two of us could
20:00perform together musically only for my very best clients of course I want this whole thing
20:07to be stately and gracious the essence of the art of entertaining lies I always think
20:13in establishing an atmosphere of grace and decorum oh
20:17oh
20:23okay residents the lady of the house speaking oh it's you Daisy it's my sister Daisy
20:32she's not the one with the Mercedes sauna and room for a pony Richard get out of the way
20:40who was in the way
20:42oh Daisy what is it dear look I can't stay long on the telephone this is now a business line I'm
20:51expecting clients to call how's daddy ah dear daddy daddy's gone to his hobby circle I knew
21:00daddy was a born philatelist do I remember who dear Rosie's fiance's yes I'm afraid I do remember
21:08Rosie's fiance's the one in the green suit well I mean I can't remember his name but I do vaguely
21:17remember someone in a green suit Richard whom did Rose become engaged to in a green suit
21:24I don't think I've ever seen Rose in a green suit
21:30not her him or should that be not she he
21:35thank you for the coffee Hyacinth oh it was a pleasure Elizabeth
21:43I'd rather you didn't climb over the wall dear
21:46somebody who's read my advertisement might just happen to be watching
21:55you will tell Emmett about my little plans for him oh I think perhaps you'd better tell him
22:00I'm sure he'd be thrilled I'm sure he'd be more than thrilled
22:06and tell him he mustn't be shy I'll be there with him
22:12he'll be with someone who knows how to conduct herself in social situations
22:17Hyacinth telephone Richard please don't shout in the street
22:26it's not like you to go about shouting in the street you've got a client
22:38how do I look
22:50hello scintillating socializing
22:53senior soiree staff supervisor speaking
23:00how many are you 20 oh no we enjoy the larger functions yes no good being elegant if there's
23:09no one there to see it our fees oh well I'm sure that normal professional rates will be adequate
23:18yes I think I can promise you you're in for a treat
23:24address
23:2724a
23:31market street oh that's nice and central yes and time six o'clock and when today today
23:41oh well it is rather short notice but don't worry we shan't let you down goodbye
23:51oh Richard Richard my first clients 20 people all wanting to improve their social graces
24:00my musical friend how's you look amazing thank you I'm going consulting soon I hope
24:19immediately I'm on my way now if only Richard would stop dawdling
24:25Richard
24:34what a pity Emmett couldn't come I'm sure he was devastated he would have so enjoyed it I don't
24:42know who these people are but they're clearly interested in music they invited me to bring my
24:48own why do they need music background dear mind the pedestrian she is on the pavement
24:56she might decide to cross uh minding the pedestrian
25:05I can't see 24a can you I can't even see 24
25:10stop the car
25:1636 we must have passed it reverse Richard
25:21because this is a one-way street oh really fancy choosing a one-way street
25:27I can't choose we'll have to walk back
25:40so
25:48come along Richard don't dawdle I mustn't be late I'm on the double
25:58oh here it is one of our shop why not a group of like-minded enthusiasts need somewhere central to
26:06hold their meetings now wait here Richard I'll go and relieve their minds they must be wondering
26:10where I've got to oh and I'll find out what time you should come back and pick me up
26:27hello Richard David hello let you out on your own has she
26:32I shouldn't have said that it just slipped out oh it's all right no it's not a very subtle
26:38observation fairly accurate almost then don't mind my asking and how long have you been married now
26:4532 years 32 years good heavens still look on the bright side you should be due for parole soon
26:54come along Richard
27:01what's the matter what is it what a mercy I didn't bring my
27:06royal duketon with the hand-painted periwinkles where are we going
27:12we're going home oh get this door open Richard
27:17oh give me those keys but it can't be over already it is for me
27:25they misread my advert
27:29they were all men and they thought I was going to be a striptease artist
27:33artist
27:44now don't get settled Richard you have one last task to perform
27:50what's that to go back into number 24a why for goodness sake to get daddy out
28:03so
28:33so