Keeping Up Appearances - S05 E02 - The Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball
Hyacinth prepares for the Mayor's fancy dress ball and is also on a mission to impress the new neighbours, a few streets away, but she's greatly displeased with the costumes Richard hires for them. After deciding on a better idea, Hyacinth finds that most of the female guests have exactly the same costume she has. Meanwhile, Rose is engaged to a Polish man whose name she cannot pronounce.
Transcript
00:30Richard? I know that voice.
00:37Do you remember the Winslows? No.
00:42Well, they've overlooked something.
00:45They came to one of my candlelight suppers and they've never invited us back.
00:49I can't understand it. I think I can.
00:53It must be an oversight.
00:56They're not the kind of people who'd commit a breach of manners.
01:00You must ring them for a chat and drop a hint, Richard.
01:03Me?
01:04Well, I'd do it myself, only I'm not the sort of person who goes fishing for invitations.
01:10Oh, I can't do that.
01:13Good, that's settled then.
01:22Rose is all excited.
01:26We all know that.
01:29Most of the male population knows that.
01:32She's engaged.
01:34You've got to admire the eternal optimism.
01:38She thinks this is the real thing.
01:41Well, if she doesn't know by now, she never will.
01:45Do you remember when we were engaged?
01:51Wonderful hours at the back of the bakery.
01:56That wasn't me.
02:02Richard?
02:06I wonder what the voice of God sounds like.
02:12Isn't it time we had our invitations to the Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball?
02:17I don't suppose we'll get one this year.
02:19Of course we will. We've always had one.
02:23When I was an officer of the Council, but I've retired now.
02:27Well, that's no excuse.
02:29It'd be ridiculous if we didn't get an invitation to the Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball.
02:34And, Richard, isn't it time we made ourselves known to our new neighbour?
02:40Have we got a new neighbour?
02:42Oh, yes.
02:44A Mrs Donahue.
02:46She was a proctor. You know, proctor's pickles.
02:49Her father's very highly placed in condiment circles.
02:53I haven't noticed anyone moving into the road.
02:56It's in the next road.
02:58And that's a new neighbour in another road.
03:01Well, I don't see that as a barrier. She's still within our postcode.
03:09How engaged?
03:11She's engaged. You're either engaged or you're not, Rose is engaged.
03:17Has she got a ring? I mean, has she got another ring?
03:23She just showed it to me. It's lovely.
03:26She must have more engagement rings than there are in Willis' window.
03:31She had more than I had when she had one.
03:34I couldn't afford an engagement ring.
03:37Didn't stop you wanting all the privileges, though, did it?
03:41Mind you, I must say, you've slowed down a lot since.
03:47Goodnight, daze.
03:58Come on, Michael. Come on. Stiffen the sinews.
04:01Duty calls.
04:04Mrs Bucket.
04:06Bouquet, bouquet.
04:11Oh, haven't you an invitation for me?
04:14Why would I invite you anywhere?
04:16I've got to go.
04:18I've got to go.
04:20I've got to go.
04:22I've got to go.
04:24I've got to go.
04:26I've got to go.
04:28I've got to go.
04:30I've got to go.
04:32Why would I invite you anywhere?
04:36I mean an invitation to the Lord Mayor's fancy dress ball.
04:40It must be in there.
04:42Oh!
04:45No, sorry.
04:51Please check at the sorting office
04:53that you've not overlooked my invitation
04:55to the Mayor's fancy dress ball.
04:58Drink up Elizabeth. I won't be a moment, but as you were five minutes early for coffee
05:08this morning, I haven't quite finished making my cakes. Richard won't be joining us yet.
05:15He's having a chat with the mayor at the town hall. Lucky Richard. Yes, I thought I better
05:22send him along personally. The mayor will be so distressed when he realises our invitations
05:32are late. Invitations? To the mayor's fancy dress ball. We always get an invitation to
05:39the mayor's fancy dress ball. It's the highlight of the municipal year. It's very exclusive.
05:51I'm sure it is. Last year I went as Cleopatra. Richard went as Mark Antony, but quite frankly
06:00he was something of a disappointment as a Roman. He never quite got control of his javelin.
06:08I still have the scarf. Personally, I don't care if we're not invited. I hated being a
06:18Roman. It was damn difficult juggling with that javelin and the buffet. Are you on the list?
06:25I don't suppose we are now that I've retired. But Hyacinth wants to go. Very much so. I'll
06:31put you on the list. Oh, thanks Paul. This will make life so much easier for me. Not
06:46drinking Elizabeth. I thought I'd let it get cool. I think you'll find it's all right dear.
06:55Try it. Oh, you were going to tell me about the Winslows. Oh, yes. You know they've never
07:06returned my invitation. When I think about it, I may have overdone it at my candlelight supper.
07:13Gordia was probably so overwhelmed by the graciousness of the evening, she feels she
07:19can't compete. Yes, I expect that must be it. Oh, biscuit. Oh, thank you. Oh, excuse me. It's
07:29probably someone very important. The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking. Oh,
07:39it's you Rose. It's my sister Rose. Yes, she's not the one with the Mercedes sauna and room for
07:47a pony. Oh, Rose, I am pleased for you. Oh, and I do hope that this is the one. You can't keep
08:06flirting with matrimony. My sister Rose has just become engaged. A Polish person? No, no, no, no,
08:18dear. I've nothing against Polish persons, but couldn't you find someone nearer? Oh,
08:25he lives here. Could you put Daisy on for a moment, dear? Do help yourself, Elizabeth.
08:37Onslow likes broken biscuits, doesn't he, Daisy? Now, Daisy, what is Rose doing marrying a Polish
08:53person? Is he suitable? What's his name? Nobody knows his name. Well, she must learn to pronounce
09:01it. She prefers to use his nickname. What is his nickname? Cuddly Chops. Daisy, you tell Rose
09:16immediately that she must learn this gentleman's name. We cannot have a Cuddly Chops in the family.
09:23Her sister Rose is engaged. Now, you remember Rose, eyelashes considerably longer than her
09:33skirt. Liz, do not distract me with trivialities. Life is dark and burdensome. Oh, Emmet, you've
09:45been divorced for 18 months now. I thought you got over it. Oh, I got over that. That was a
09:50mere trifle. It's Frankenstein's mother next door. What's she done to you now? She's threatened
10:02to come to my dress rehearsal. She's volunteered to help with my dress rehearsal. Well, maybe
10:17she'll have more on her mind now that Rose is marrying a Polish person. A wedding? She'll be
10:25going to the wedding in Poland. Oh, how I seem to be away for weeks in Poland. The Polish person
10:36lives here. He's got no right to live here. What's a Polish person doing living in England? That's
10:44the trouble with people today. They're always wandering about. No one sits still. I think including you, look at you. If that's Hyacinth, tell her I've got rabies. And my bite is fatal.
11:01Richard. Oh. Have a drink. Isn't it a bit early? There are some people, Richard, for whom it is never too early. There are some people who deserve a drink at any time. Well, just a small gin and tonic, then. Oh, go and have a large one, damn it. If anyone deserved a large one, it's you. I'd be surprised if you didn't have a drink at any time.
11:24Well, just a small gin and tonic, then. Oh, go and have a large one, damn it. If anyone deserved a large one, it's you. I'd be sent round by Hyacinth. Hyacinth? She's not going to be able to make your dress rehearsal. It turns out to be the same night as the mayor's fancy dress ball.
11:42Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! We'll both have a large one. Liz, make us two large gin and tonics.
11:52Well, if he doesn't mind, why should our Hyacinth mind? She doesn't think it right you calling him by his nickname. Especially that nickname. Not if you're going to get married. Well, our Hyacinth wants to try pronouncing it. There's too many Zs in it. Well, you'll have to learn it, our Rose, if you're going to get married. I keep trying to learn it. I was trying so hard, I never noticed what he was up to. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
12:22That's how I came to be engaged. Why don't you work your way in slowly? What's his first name? That's nearly as bad. She needs his last name. She's going to be Mrs. Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is. What's it? I'm going to be Mrs. What's-It. Well, that's about as near as I can get. I've got it written down somewhere. He spelt it for me. If it had been English, he'd have had to spell it for you.
12:50Nobody's going to marry you for your spelling, Rose. I managed to make my way through life, thank you. If love had a written examination, you'd have had to enter a convent. I can spell.
13:10Not tonight, Daze. It's only Tuesday. It's here! I told you. What do you think it says?
13:32What's-It. Definitely Mr. What's-It.
13:38Are you sure we're on the list? Hyacinth, I've told you a thousand times. We've been invited to the Mayor's fancy dress ball. Well, I think it's very short notice. Well, I apologise for that. It seems we were overlooked. Anyway, what do you want to be? Just happy in a modest sort of way. No, I mean the fancy dress. What do you want to be?
14:06Well, not a Roman. Oh, no, dear. I couldn't let you loose as a Roman again. You know, I've never actually told you, Richard, but you were very disappointing as a Roman. I expected more of a hint of brutality. In the best possible taste, of course. You see, dear, you quite failed to convince me that you'd conquered Gaul.
14:35Never mind, though, dear. Come along. Come and change. Get into something smart. We're going for a walk. Where to? Does it matter where to? We need to walk more. You'll find the exercise will do us good. You're up to something. Go on, get changed.
15:04What's this? Are you sure you closed all the windows, Richard? I defy anyone to find an open window. Was that Emmet? He must have forgotten something in the house. No, dear. I'm afraid it's me.
15:34I'd rather think I send his senses reeling. Dear Emmet. I'm coming, Richard. Has she gone? Yes, it's all clear. You can come out now. But she did see you. I couldn't get in. I noticed that. She thinks you're half in love with her.
16:03Why are we going this way? If we want to walk, why don't we go into the park or something? Oh, Richard, everybody walks in the park. Peculiar people walk in the park. No, it's nice down here. We'll go this way. I always believe one should go one's own way. I notice we never go my way. Well, have you decided what you want to be?
16:30When I grow up, you mean? I mean your fancy dress. Oh, well, it usually depends on what you want to be, and then I find something that goes with it. Oh, Richard, you make it sound as if I pressure you into things. I think I might go as Marie Antoinette. I'm not doing Louis XIV. I'm not wearing silk trousers. Oh, Richard, you can wear your plus fours underneath.
17:01Oh, I like number ten. Well, why that one? It looks just like the others. No, it doesn't, dear. It has an indefinable something about it. Hyacinth, if you are going as Marie Antoinette... Well, I am. I have my heart set on Marie Antoinette. Maybe I could go as the executioner. Oh, that's a good idea. Well, it has a certain appeal. I agree.
17:28Let's turn around and walk back. Why? Humour me, Richard. Well, Hyacinth, tell me now. Who is at number ten? Shhh. I believe it's the Donna Hughes. If you remember, I told you she was a Procter's Pickles. I thought if we bumped into them, it would be nice to welcome them to the area. Well, I'm not passing number ten all afternoon. Richard, I wouldn't dream of doing anything so silly.
17:57Good. Just a couple more times and then we'll call it a night.
18:15What's wrong? Nothing.
18:17What are you looking at me for? I like looking at you. I like sitting here and thinking, it's all mine! It's all mine! How many of those have you had? It's my first. Well, don't have any more.
18:48What are you smiling for? I was just thinking, when our Rose gets married and she leaves, it'll just be the two of us. Daisy, I am not just a plaything. We'll have to take in a lodger.
19:11There now. I'm sure the walk did us good. Twenty-three times past number ten. Well, that wasn't a walk. It was sentry duty. I liked number ten. I was merely admiring their garden. Don't see why. It's just a garden.
19:36Of course it's not just a garden. If you were once a proctor's pickle, you don't have just a garden. Oh, I do need a cup of tea. Oh, what a good idea. Don't take your shoes off, Richard. You have to go into town. What on earth for? To order our costumes for the fancy dress ball.
19:57And do insist I want to be Marie Antoinette. They have my measurements on file. And do be careful what you choose for yourself. I don't want you in tights, Richard. I get very embarrassed in front of the neighbours when you're in tights.
20:16When have I ever been in tights? The year you were Robin Hood. I was Friar Tuck. You were Robin Hood. Are you sure? Don't you remember? Sheridan became ill because he couldn't be made Marian. Oh, yes, I do remember. Poor Sheridan. He broke out in spots. Only the nicest places, of course.
20:43I'll spoil your lunch.
20:45Oi, kid, come here. Pop this in that letterbox for me, will you? How much? You're going to grow up to be a monster, aren't you? 50p. For Mrs. Bucket, forget it. Oi, come here.
21:16Pound. Let's see your money.
21:30You'll be sorry.
21:40Smart kid.
21:43The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking. Sheridan. Oh, how psychic of you to ring Mummy. Daddy and I were talking about your spots only yesterday. No more money this month.
22:04And Mummy's been thinking about you again this morning. I was clearing out a drawer and I found your first little sewing kit. It brought a tear to Mummy's eye. It brought a tear to mine. I sat on the damn thing.
22:21Now, you're lucky to have caught us, dear. We'll soon be off for our walk. Yes, we go every day now. Mummy's on nodding terms with a Procter's pickle. Yes, and Mrs. Donahue, her father's very big in condiment circles. Absolutely nothing over ten pounds.
22:46I'm sorry, dear. There's an interference on the line. Now, I'm afraid you've caught Mummy when she's very disappointed. It's the Mayor's fancy dress ball this evening, and I wanted to go as Marie Antoinette, but Daddy couldn't get the costume. Well, I had to take what they'd got left.
23:11I'm sorry, dear. There's another gremlin on the line.
23:17What are you doing, Liz? I thought you were supposed to be in the garden. No, not yet. I want to see Hyacinth in costume. What are they going as? She won't say. It's not Marie Antoinette. I've gathered that much.
23:32All she needs is a Crofts first prize rosette, and she could go as Supreme Lady Champion. And you know what they call those? Oh, damn it. Quick, quick, they're getting in the car. Good heavens. Oh, I wouldn't have missed that for the world.
23:57I feel rather uncomfortable in this costume, Richard. You told me to take what they had, Liz. These are nothing. What are you doing, dear? I'm not doing anything. It's doing it all by itself. Richard, how can you break down on me like this?
24:13Hello, Rose. I'm afraid you've just missed Hyacinth. They're left for the town hall. You'll catch them if you hurry. Believe me, it's worth the effort. I did want to meet my friend, Mr... What's-it.
24:43Mrs. Bucket.
25:02It's bouquet, Mrs. Donoghue.
25:11I don't believe you've met my husband. Richard, come and meet Mrs. Donoghue.
25:27Pardon me.
25:30Well, I really can't stay out here all evening. I can hear my telephone.
25:36I'll call you, Mrs. Donoghue. I do hope you'll grace one of my candlelight suppers.
26:00Is Queen Bodicea having trouble with her chariot?
26:02Don't jack it on, Arnslow. You're being observed by a proctor's pickle.
26:30Thanks for the lift, Arnslow. I'm sorry you can't stop.
26:46You've hardly said a word to Mr. What's-it.
26:54She said a word to me? I don't think it was ancient Britain.
27:00Your Worship.
27:08Oh, Your Worship, I was hoping to speak with you about a little function I shall be holding.
27:15Just a few friends of the right socio-economic balance.
27:24Oh, no!
27:44Oh, Richard, I will not share my throne with those imposters.
28:14Oh, Richard!
28:44Oh, Richard!