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00:00Kidshow, kidshow, oh good lord it's a kidshow, kidshow, kidshow, change the channel, whoa!
00:21Today's wonder show is brought to you by Knowledge, Middle America and one thing of coin.
00:28Oh, hey kids! Our guest today came all the way from Middle America, that's right, it's Middle America!
00:36How y'all doing?
00:37Oh, pretty good, I understand you got a lot to say to the boys and girls.
00:41Yep, I also want to make some words at them too.
00:44Oh, go ahead.
00:45Well, gulp, gulp, hooey, and texas.
00:54Hey, hang on one sec, stare at these keys for a sec.
00:57Hey kids, isn't this guy an idiot? You want to hear him say some more stupid stuff?
01:01Yeah!
01:02Hey, tell us more.
01:04Well, there's a hooey, let me think, a coop-coop, and a hulk-em, oh yeah, texas.
01:13Middle America, you're dumb as golden.
01:15Thank you kindly, ma'am.
01:17Show them what you think of them, kids!
01:18Yeah!
01:21Free beer, I never felt so loved.
01:24Birth is the beautiful, magical wonder.
01:27Birth is the miracle source of life.
01:30There's nothing on earth more lovely than birth,
01:32because birth is the glorious gift inside.
01:41Hey salami, you know how to count?
01:44One, two, three, four, five.
01:47Hi, I'm Clarence, and today I'm learning to count.
01:51With five people on the street, hi, can I have one?
01:53Sure.
01:54Okay, there we go, we're learning to count.
01:56One, that's one, we're going to count to ten.
01:59Hey, I want to count, I want to learn to count.
02:01You're going to ask them to try something?
02:03Yeah, yeah, we're going to learn to count today.
02:06One, that's two, three, four, five.
02:12Yay, what's next?
02:14Six.
02:15Six, what's next?
02:16Six.
02:17What's next? How come he got one?
02:19I just want one.
02:20Okay, one, okay, that's one.
02:22Don't want to be on your camera when you say crackhead.
02:24One, hey, that's one hit.
02:26One, two, and three, four.
02:29Can I get a little mustard on this one?
02:31Just a little bit, just a little.
02:33That's it, that's it.
02:35Okay, what number?
02:37Five.
02:38Five starving people.
02:40Six, one, two, three, four, five, six,
02:45seven, eight, nine, ten, yay.
02:49Two, four, seven.
02:53Number two.
02:54In my mouth?
02:55Yes.
02:56Yay, you like that?
02:57Okay, now you want me to number two in your mouth?
02:59No.
03:00Are you sure?
03:01Very sure.
03:02What number?
03:03Seventy.
03:04Okay, what's next?
03:05Ten.
03:07We did it.
03:08USA, USA.
03:10Nerd, nerd, nerd, beef, beef, beef.
03:14Yay, we got the 20.
03:16Yay, we got it, the 20.
03:19Yay.
03:21Now clean up this filth.
03:23QA.
03:24What is happiness?
03:25Cracking the good book against the Christian's face.
03:29Money doesn't buy happiness, rich people do.
03:32Bottomless nuggets at a topless bar.
03:35It's glued to fatness' back.
03:37The tickle of a merman's mustache.
03:39Falling asleep inside the glower of an animal.
03:42Waking up in the gaze of a beast.
03:44It plumps when you cook it.
03:46The opiate of the massive.
03:49Every child knows that each year,
03:51Chinese couples limited to one offspring
03:53toss their newborn daughters into the sea.
03:56What she didn't know was that they all swim down
03:58into a magical undersea world.
04:01Welcome to our utopia.
04:04There's lots of jewelry and pretty to be found.
04:06It's a place where girls can be
04:09beautifully
04:11and make sneakers in a shoe factory.
04:14Chinese Girl Baby Atlantis.
04:16Come on, I can't wait to get to the factory.
04:20This is great.
04:21Now so fun.
04:22I love making sneaker for American.
04:24I put extra love in this pair.
04:26Rasta swiss love.
04:28Me too.
04:29I never want the sneaker making to end.
04:32It never will end.
04:34Attention Chinese Girl Baby Atlantis factory workers.
04:37You have all been downgraded to fired status.
04:39Make way for your replacements.
04:41Hey, they're not even from China.
04:43Rasta swiss love.
04:45Outsourcing.
04:47We are from India.
04:49Step aside you hack.
04:51We're not leaving.
04:52Rasta swiss love.
04:53Have a competition.
04:55Have a competition.
04:56Rasta swiss love.
04:58Have a competition.
05:00Let's see who can make the most shoes in one hour.
05:02How about five hours?
05:04Ten hours.
05:06How about 36 years?
05:08You're on.
05:09Starting now.
05:19Time's up man.
05:21Who won Rasta swiss?
05:23Rasta swiss swiss.
05:25You just said the word of the day.
05:27I and I slime you.
05:29So I am special.
05:31The dumping of toxic victory slime by the Republic of China
05:34has done more damage to the Atlantic Ocean than me.
05:37I'm McTuff, a crime cop.
05:38I say it's time to take a bite out of drugs
05:40because I like it rough.
05:42Rasta swiss love.
05:44That's smooth.
05:45What's smooth with you?
05:50What the turd-durn-gum-turd was that claptrap?
05:53That's what's wrong with TV.
05:55All this gibberish, icky-cum, hoosteroo.
05:58Horse apples I say.
06:00Play something I can understand.
06:03Quand Mozart a eu 6 ans, il a écrit sa première opéra.
06:06Je suis 7 ans et regarde ce que je peux faire.
06:08Adore, adore, adore.
06:11Adore, adore, adore, adore.
06:14L'humanité va le rappeler pour des milliers d'années à venir.
06:18Regarde les gars, je peux parler comme les Américains.
06:23Regarde-moi.
06:24Un guêpe, un hickey et un Texas.
06:27Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:29Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:31Hey, get off me.
06:33Oh, y'all make me sick.
06:36Y'all going wild, out of control, despicable behavior.
06:40Ungodly like, too.
06:42Ungodly, that's a great word.
06:44What do you want us to do, huh?
06:46We'll do whatever you want because we love you.
06:48Well, let me see.
06:50When I got my animals on my ranch acting a fool,
06:53I always get them clipped.
06:55You wanna shred my turtle poker?
06:57You wanna snip my shame shank?
06:59Cluck my ugly?
07:01Mame drain vein?
07:02Yes indeed.
07:03That's the stupidest thing you've said yet!
07:06Let's do it!
07:07We're getting clipped, kids!
07:08We're getting clipped!
07:14Hi, I'm approximately one child
07:16learning about spaying and neutering animals
07:18at the animal buffixery.
07:24Montrez-moi ce que vous faites sur ce petit chien.
07:26Ce petit chien se trouve sur la table d'operation.
07:28Ce que le médecin fait, c'est qu'il fait un petit trou sur chaque côté.
07:31Il enlève les testicules.
07:33Vous enlevez les testicules ou vous les vendez aux Grecs?
07:35High five!
07:36Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici?
07:37Je m'appelle John Moorhead,
07:38je suis vétérinaire ici à l'hôpital.
07:40Si vous neutrez des animaux,
07:41ne devriez-vous pas être appelé Docteur Less Head?
07:43Mon frère s'appelle Less.
07:44Je dirais que vous avez cassé plus de boules
07:46qu'à Brecht Farm.
07:47Ressentez-le.
07:48Ressentez-le à quel point c'est chaud?
07:49C'est comme les feuilles de plastique sur mon lit
07:51pour me protéger de la moitié.
07:52Oui, bien, vous ne voulez pas admettre ça sur la télé.
07:54Je suis fier de moitier le lit.
07:55Je moitie le lit comme un animal.
07:56Je peux moitier le lit en forme d'Abraham Lincoln.
07:59High five!
08:00Vous êtes un docteur.
08:01Pouvez-vous me montrer sur ce pain,
08:02comment vous neutrez un chat?
08:03Coupez le pain en moitié.
08:07Je dirais que vous avez cassé plus de boules
08:09qu'à Belugia en été.
08:10Mon grand-père a neutré son chien avec un couteau.
08:12C'est vrai?
08:13Il allait à l'hôpital pour ça.
08:14Mais mon grand-père aime l'hôpital.
08:15C'est son endroit préféré.
08:16C'est l'unique endroit où il se sent
08:17émotionnellement en sécurité.
08:18Je pense que vous devriez considérer le yoga.
08:20Je fais du yoga, mais j'ai peur que j'aille
08:22couper le sol.
08:23High five!
08:24Vous avez bu vos pièces et essayé de voir
08:26si un arbre de Clippins grasse?
08:27Mon grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-père
08:29a été cassé par un arbre de Clippins.
08:31Ça a l'air terrible.
08:32Oui, il y avait des trucs bizarres
08:33qui se passaient ce jour-là.
08:34Au revoir, petits chats. Au revoir.
08:36Bonjour, Amérique du Moyen-Orient.
08:42Bonjour, les enfants.
08:43Bonjour, les enfants.
08:44C'est Mr. Corn,
08:45vous rappelant de manger vos légumes,
08:46en commençant par ce colonel ici.
08:51Clip.
08:52Ensuite.
08:53Clip.
08:54Ensuite.
08:55Clip.
08:56Clip.
08:57Clip.
08:58Clip.
08:59Clip.
09:00Clip.
09:01Oh!
09:03Hey, qu'est-ce que tu vas faire
09:04avec tous ces Clippins?
09:06On les met tous dans un sac de Clippins
09:08et on les brûle.
09:10Comme un feu de livre
09:11sans avoir à toucher
09:12les livres de Ding-Dang-Dong-Dong.
09:19Ces fumes génitales,
09:20c'est comme...
09:22C'est comme...
09:23Pourquoi sommes-nous ici sur Terre, mec?
09:25Tu es la meilleure Amérique du Moyen-Orient,
09:27plus stupide que le Donkey Dookie.
09:29Qu'est-ce que tu veux faire maintenant, mec?
09:31J'aimerais nettoyer ici.
09:33C'est un délire.
09:34Rien que des génitales qui volent autour
09:35et des gens qui s'éloignent.
09:36Laissez-moi gérer.
09:37Je vais les changer
09:38pour des gens bons
09:39avec des blagues bonnes.
09:40Vas-y, mec.
09:41Prends-en.
09:46Vous regardez Horse Apples.
09:59Je me réveille chaque matin
10:00au bruit des roustis
10:02qui m'attachent à ma crotte.
10:05Cock-a-doodle-doo!
10:09Vous savez pourquoi j'aime mon mari?
10:12Parce qu'il me bat.
10:14Oui, le mien me bat aussi.
10:17J'ai appris à compter
10:18comme tout le monde.
10:19Sur mes mains.
10:20Un, deux.
10:22Je ne peux pas aller plus haut.
10:24Non, plus haut.
10:26Les gens de la ville pensent
10:27que nous avons marié nos cousins.
10:28Alors, pourquoi j'irais
10:29marier ma grand-mère?
10:31Un sourire.
10:35Les gens comme vous pensent
10:36que nous mangeons
10:37du roadkill tous les jours.
10:39Je suppose que vous mangez
10:40du caviar tous les jours.
10:44Ah, Horse Apples.
10:51Pervis, je ne savais pas
10:52que ta maman
10:53t'aimait encore.
10:57Version 2.
11:03Mais, Pervis,
11:04tout ce que tu as,
11:05c'est une boule.
11:07Coupé.
11:08Version 3.
11:16Pervis,
11:17j'ai fait un test positif
11:19pour les Super-Eggs.
11:22Oh, merde.
11:23Tu as bu mon suppliement.
11:27Connais ma femme.
11:29Je crois qu'elle a un affaire
11:30avec lui.
11:32Pourquoi tu ne m'aimes plus?
11:34Oh, merde.
11:36Les gens disent
11:37que nous ne sommes pas éduqués.
11:39Alors,
11:40comment avons-nous
11:41trouvé ça?
11:43J'ai entendu dire
11:44que les Américains blancs
11:45sont maintenant
11:46la minorité.
11:48Comment vais-je faire ça?
11:49Faire quoi?
11:51M'emmener derrière
11:52ma voiture.
11:53Oh, merde.
11:56Oh, je veux dire
11:57Horse Apples.
11:58Je ne suis pas raciste.
12:00En fait,
12:01j'ai touché
12:02quelques amis meilleurs.
12:04Oh, Horse Apples.
12:07Je ne ressens rien
12:08dans mon cœur.
12:14Les couples de la même sexe
12:15me font mal.
12:17J'ai eu la même sexe
12:18avec ma femme
12:19depuis 30 ans.
12:20C'est drôle.
12:22Oh, non.
12:23C'est une foule.
12:24Oh.
12:27Horse Apples.
12:30Oh, Horse Apples.
12:37Une femme ne parle
12:38jamais avec sa bouche.
12:42Hey, c'est moi,
12:43Lil Slugger,
12:44et le Ballet of the Beasts,
12:45où ils testent
12:46un genre de
12:47défilé de télévision.
12:48Voyons voir
12:49ce que le common homme pense.
12:55C'est là,
12:56l'Amérique la plus solide.
12:58Le groupe de focus.
12:59Boum.
13:01Aujourd'hui,
13:02je vais vous présenter
13:03un défilé de télévision.
13:04Nous vous demandons
13:05de nous donner
13:06vos vraies opinions
13:07sur Horse Apples.
13:087 hommes,
13:095 cerveaux.
13:12Je regarde
13:13dans les yeux
13:14de l'Amérique,
13:15et j'aime ça.
13:16J'ai touché
13:17quelques amis meilleurs.
13:21Je n'ai pas vu
13:22un groupe si vivant
13:23depuis que j'ai tiré
13:247 couples morts
13:25de mon cul.
13:27Ceux-ci n'ont pas été
13:28demandé à écrire
13:29depuis leur première
13:30sentence de prison.
13:31Du...
13:33Ti.
13:57Je ne sais pas
13:58qui est la fille,
13:59mais elle est sexy.
14:00Est-ce que vous pensez
14:01que c'est un grand marché?
14:02Il y a un grand marché
14:03là-bas.
14:04C'est intéressant.
14:05Je ne sais pas
14:06si c'est juste moi,
14:07mais j'aimerais
14:08fêter avec ces gars.
14:09Est-ce que ça vous fait
14:10se sentir chaleureux
14:11pour aider le consommateur?
14:12Oui, c'est agréable
14:13d'être capable
14:14d'aider.
14:15Est-ce que vous pensez
14:16que vous êtes un héros américain?
14:17Oui, oui.
14:18Applaudissez.
14:19Est-ce que vous aimez la télé?
14:20Oui, je la regarde
14:21tous les jours.
14:22Est-ce que vous diriez
14:23que la télé est comme
14:24votre bible?
14:25Non, je dirais
14:26que la télé est différente.
14:27Vous avez aidé
14:28à marquer ce produit,
14:29mais avez-vous aidé
14:30les Rwandais
14:31récemment?
14:32Qu'est-ce que c'est
14:33les Rwandais?
14:34C'est juste
14:35un petit rien.
14:36Applaudissez,
14:37les gars.
14:38J'aimerais vous poser
14:39des questions
14:40marquantes.
14:41D'accord.
14:42Est-ce que vous
14:43vous déconnez
14:44légèrement
14:45ou seulement
14:46avec cette phrase?
14:47Je me déconne fortement.
14:48Que préférez-vous
14:49mieux,
14:50des trucs ou des choses?
14:51Je dirais toujours
14:52des choses.
14:53Est-ce que vous pensez
14:54que les gens copient
14:55ce qu'ils voient
14:56sur la télé?
14:57Oui, je suis sûr
14:58qu'ils le font.
14:59Galope à Texas.
15:00Est-ce que vous pensez
15:01qu'aujourd'hui,
15:02vous avez aidé
15:03en quelque sorte
15:04à la culture du meurtre?
15:05Oui, peut-être.
15:06Peut-être un peu.
15:07Applaudissez, les gars.
15:08Hey, c'est ton Amérique,
15:09pas la mienne.
15:10J'ai...
15:11Breaking news
15:12at this hour.
15:13Hollywood has gone
15:14horsewood
15:15for horseapples.
15:16And this mega-hit show's
15:17yokeled creator
15:18is gleefully steeping
15:19in the gold-dusted
15:20sea.
15:21Breaking news
15:22at this hour.
15:23He's gleefully steeping
15:24in the gold-dusted stench
15:25of his own petard.
15:26The plain-spoken
15:27Heartland Simpleton
15:28has erected a platinum castle
15:29in honor of his own
15:30blue-collar modesty.
15:31And then the
15:32middle-class millionaire
15:33had it deep-fried
15:34in liquid diamond hope.
15:35This just in,
15:36he's a billionaire now.
15:37This just in,
15:38he's now a thrillionaire.
15:39And we have him
15:40here in the studio.
15:41Welcome.
15:42Texas.
15:43Anything you'd like to say
15:44to your adoring
15:45ball-less public?
15:46No.
15:47And, uh,
15:48hooey,
15:49I's a thrillionaire now.
15:50Don't need nobody no more.
15:51Gonna get up
15:53and fly around the world
15:54all hovered up
15:55above the sickening muck
15:56of all the scum out there
15:57that are, uh,
15:58stuck in the terra firma.
16:00Oh,
16:01and to Texas.
16:02Chauncey Darlington Butler,
16:03what do you have to say
16:04to that?
16:05You've changed, Duke,
16:06for brains.
16:07You say you don't need
16:08your friends no more?
16:09Then you're dead to me,
16:10sellout,
16:11so I might as well
16:12kill you.
16:13This is a scoop.
16:14You're threatening murder.
16:15I'm gonna kill you,
16:16middle America,
16:17when you most expect it.
16:18I'm gonna cut the brakes
16:19on your balloon.
16:20This is huge.
16:21This is a wonder
16:22chosen news exclusive.
16:24Extra, extra,
16:25comedy bit
16:26begins before
16:27child can eat.
16:28They forced us to go
16:29to the newspaper factory.
16:30We saw how they
16:31make the paper.
16:32We slap it together
16:33like I slap my sister.
16:34This is where
16:35facts go to die.
16:36The newspaper is released
16:37every night
16:38while you sleep.
16:39Why don't you
16:40bury your head?
16:41It might not
16:42totally release.
16:43The lies start out
16:44as liquid ink.
16:45We got drunk
16:46on those liquid lies.
16:47But our thirst for truth
16:48could not be slaked
16:49nor could it be slarned.
16:50I drank my own peepee.
16:51I drank my own release.
16:53The Daily Rag.
16:54That's what they call
16:55my mom down at the dock.
16:56Look at all the blank paper
16:57crying out to be
16:58turned into propaganda.
16:59That was news
17:00apes can't even read.
17:02Press is short
17:03for oppression.
17:04O is short
17:05for oh, shut up.
17:06My dad's a reporter.
17:07He reports to the bone.
17:09If anyone in this country
17:10could read,
17:11they'd be outraged
17:12at the illiteracy
17:13specifics.
17:14That's where I read
17:15the fairy tale
17:16of American superiority.
17:17This paper
17:18is like my grandma's
17:19butter hole.
17:20It slings mud
17:21without thinking
17:22of all the lives
17:23in sheets.
17:24It stains
17:25in its crimson wake.
17:26Viacom is one of
17:27five media companies
17:28that control
17:29the nation's information.
17:30And they are
17:31a bunch of
17:32fairness fools.
17:33The news gets
17:34to go down a slide
17:35like me.
17:36Penguin News
17:37gets manhandled
17:38by bachelors
17:39just like me.
17:40Hide your heads
17:41in shame.
17:42This is where
17:43they clip off
17:44any remaining
17:45stray bits of truth.
17:46See you in the funny papers
17:47or as you call it
17:48your obituaries.
17:49I wrote
17:50your obituary
17:51on my fist.
17:52Fetch!
17:53Fetch a better job.
17:54The media could be
17:55telling you truth right now,
17:56but here's the new
17:57poo joke.
17:58I got the results
17:59from the lab
18:00and it seems that
18:01I've been eating
18:02out of your bedpan.
18:03Breaking news
18:04at this hour.
18:05Middle America
18:06and his rightful riches
18:07have disappeared
18:08in a fiery ball
18:09of missing
18:10over Antarctica.
18:11Smells like murder
18:12and you're whiffed
18:13it here first.
18:14But Wonder shows
18:15a news murder exclusive.
18:16I did it, kids.
18:17I can snatch
18:18his family jewels.
18:19Once again,
18:20Middle America
18:21proved that
18:22dumb is golden.
18:23Goodbye.
18:24Goodbye.
18:25Farewell.
18:26Au revoir.
18:27Adios.
18:28We hope you enjoyed
18:29the show.
18:30Thank you,
18:31my friend.
18:32We'll get you
18:33in the end.
18:34We hope to see
18:35you again.
18:36See you
18:37tomorrow.
18:38Bye.
18:39Bye.
18:40Bye.
18:41Bye.
18:42Bye.
18:43Bye.
18:44Bye.
18:45Bye.
18:46Bye.
18:47Bye.
18:48Bye.
18:49Bye.
18:50Bye.
18:51Bye.
18:52Bye.
18:53Bye.
18:54Bye.
18:55Bye.
18:56Bye.
18:57Bye.
18:58Bye.
18:59Bye.
19:00Bye.
19:01Bye.
19:02Bye.
19:03Bye.
19:04Bye.
19:05Bye.
19:06Bye.
19:07Bye.
19:08Bye.
19:09Bye.
19:10Bye.
19:11Bye.
19:12Bye.
19:13Bye.
19:14Bye.
19:15Bye.
19:16Bye.
19:17Bye.
19:18Bye.
19:19Bye.
19:20Bye.
19:21Bye.
19:22Bye.
19:23Bye.
19:24Bye.
19:25Bye.
19:26Bye.
19:27Bye.
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19:43Bye.