A Christmas Too Many Full Movie

Mentor film channel

Transcript

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00:01:37 - My God, look at those hands.

00:01:52 You didn't use the good dishwashing liquid, did you, Madge?

00:01:55 Maurice, quick, come see.

00:01:57 (Maurice groaning)

00:02:03 - Is he having the vapors again?

00:02:06 - Oh, he's fine.

00:02:06 Look, he landed ass up, his favorite position.

00:02:10 But you have to promise to moisturize from now on.

00:02:13 - I'll slather, I'll slather.

00:02:16 - Why on earth would you wanna get made up

00:02:19 on Christmas Eve of all times?

00:02:21 And more importantly, why would you wanna pull me away

00:02:22 from Dr. Phil's Christmas extravaganza?

00:02:25 Today's topic was homoclaustrophobia,

00:02:28 the fear of still being in the closet

00:02:29 when you're already out.

00:02:30 (Maurice laughing)

00:02:32 - Toddy, this is gonna be a very special Christmas.

00:02:35 My children, my grandchildren,

00:02:37 they're all in town this year.

00:02:39 What are you gonna do, scare them into never coming back?

00:02:44 (Maurice laughing)

00:02:45 - Why would you say that?

00:02:47 - Well, your hair.

00:02:48 My God, it looks like Medusa made it with a witch's broom.

00:02:51 I'm gonna need a hacksaw and 40 pounds of gel.

00:02:54 Better call Mako.

00:02:55 - Stop it.

00:02:57 Now listen, Toddy, come on, sweetie,

00:02:59 you gotta pull me together

00:03:01 and make me absolutely spectacular.

00:03:03 The best you've ever done.

00:03:05 Even my wretched ex-husband is coming this time.

00:03:10 The old fart still can't get over the idea

00:03:12 that I've got one more Oscar than he does.

00:03:15 So, what do you say?

00:03:19 Can you pull the old girl together one last time, hmm?

00:03:22 - You give me three hours and a truckload of supplies?

00:03:26 I can make Ian McKellen still look like a boy toy.

00:03:28 (Maurice laughing)

00:03:31 (Maurice humming)

00:03:35 - Sonny, are you done, Sonny?

00:03:58 (Maurice humming)

00:04:00 Sonny?

00:04:01 - Jesus, Grandma, you're fucking killing me over here.

00:04:06 Ow!

00:04:08 Looks like I whacked a snowman.

00:04:09 He's got blood all over him.

00:04:11 What kind of Christmas cookie got blood coming out of it?

00:04:14 - The kind that talks dirty to his grandmother.

00:04:18 Didn't I tell you to stop that?

00:04:20 Didn't I?

00:04:21 - You told me to knock this shit off.

00:04:23 Ow!

00:04:24 - You clean up your vocabulary

00:04:27 or I am really going to kick your ass.

00:04:30 Got it?

00:04:31 - Yeah.

00:04:32 - Don't sulk.

00:04:35 Don't sulk.

00:04:37 Old Grandma loves her little angel.

00:04:40 Merry Christmas, Sunshine.

00:04:42 - Merry Christmas.

00:04:44 I love you too, Grandma.

00:04:45 - Good.

00:04:46 Maybe next time I'll kick your ass, you little hag.

00:04:51 - Can't believe you're still complaining

00:04:55 about being here at my mother's.

00:04:57 I mean, it's been what?

00:04:58 Jeez, 10 years since we spent Christmas here?

00:05:01 The kids are gonna be here and Sally and Teddy.

00:05:03 How bad can it be?

00:05:06 - If that woman isn't the Antichrist herself,

00:05:07 Harry, I don't know who the hell is.

00:05:09 She's a pit bull.

00:05:11 The reason you're an only child

00:05:12 is because she ate the other three.

00:05:14 Heck, your old man even left her

00:05:15 and he's the second scariest person I've ever met.

00:05:18 - They're not that bad.

00:05:20 Plus, she's older now.

00:05:22 - And she smells old,

00:05:23 like moldy bread or rotten pastrami, ugh.

00:05:27 - We always spend Christmas back home.

00:05:29 It's important to her

00:05:30 that we have one Christmas here in California.

00:05:33 She's counting on us.

00:05:34 - Well, I'm gonna be counting on Jack Daniels

00:05:36 to get me through the next 24 hours.

00:05:39 - I love Christmas.

00:05:45 - Mom, Grandma?

00:05:49 - There's my babies.

00:05:52 - Give Mom a hug.

00:05:54 How was your flight?

00:05:57 It was great, other than Jack wouldn't eat his food.

00:06:02 Why not?

00:06:03 - Because I'm a vegan and I don't eat meat

00:06:06 and dumbass here ordered the meat with a side of meat.

00:06:09 - Uh-huh, don't look at me.

00:06:11 It's okay, hon, you can have some hot dogs

00:06:13 to hold you until dinner.

00:06:14 - I don't eat meat.

00:06:17 - Hot dogs aren't real meat, sunshine.

00:06:19 They're happy food.

00:06:21 - They're worse than meat.

00:06:22 - They're delicious with mustard, oh, yummy.

00:06:27 - They're tortured pig butts.

00:06:29 - Don't look so sad, baby.

00:06:32 Go make yourself a bacon sandwich or something.

00:06:35 So, where's the new boyfriend?

00:06:43 - Matt goes to school in Philly

00:06:45 so he's catching a later flight.

00:06:48 - You and Dad better behave.

00:06:50 I'd like to keep this one.

00:06:52 - Well, of course I will, darling.

00:06:53 (knocking)

00:07:06 - Merry Christmas.

00:07:11 - Merry Christmas.

00:07:13 No hello for me?

00:07:21 - Hello, sis.

00:07:22 - How was your ride?

00:07:23 - It was good.

00:07:25 Buffalo butt Brooks here wouldn't stop

00:07:27 singing country music, but besides that, it was great.

00:07:30 - Makes me groove, baby.

00:07:32 - Do you get a facelift?

00:07:37 You look so, how do I say it, tight.

00:07:41 - Pregnant, I see.

00:07:43 How far along?

00:07:45 - So Christmassy.

00:07:46 I'm going to see Lana.

00:07:48 So nice for her to invite us.

00:07:50 - Oh, yes, she's making damn sure

00:07:52 everything's coming up roses for me.

00:07:54 - How've you been, Sonny?

00:08:11 - Forget about it, I'm doing great.

00:08:12 How about you, Uncle Harry?

00:08:14 - What kind of animals do you think

00:08:15 are indigenous to this area?

00:08:17 - There's a lot of surfers in Malibu.

00:08:19 Could whack a couple of those if you want.

00:08:22 - Tradition, very important, particularly at Christmas time.

00:08:25 Of course, you know all about that, being a maid guy.

00:08:28 - Maid, maid of what?

00:08:30 - You know, the mob, mafia.

00:08:32 - Oh, good fellas.

00:08:34 - What are you blubbering about?

00:08:35 - How many guys have you whacked, huh?

00:08:38 - You talking to me?

00:08:39 - That's good.

00:08:41 That's all right, you're blood.

00:08:42 - That's more important than what you do for a living.

00:08:46 - I'm a garbage man, Harry.

00:08:48 - Huh, with those suits.

00:08:50 - I'm a good garbage man.

00:08:52 - 35 years straight now, I've killed our Christmas dinner.

00:08:55 - Yeah, well, unless you're thinking

00:08:56 about shooting some fish.

00:08:59 I think you're shit out of luck this year.

00:09:01 - Christmas is all about tradition.

00:09:02 You just keep that pot boiling,

00:09:04 I'll get us something tasty, always do.

00:09:06 - Yeah.

00:09:08 I'm going in now.

00:09:11 You wanna be okay?

00:09:12 You need a chill pill or something?

00:09:15 - No, I'm fine.

00:09:17 Don't forget the cranberry sauce.

00:09:18 - There were no turkeys in Malibu.

00:09:20 - Right.

00:09:21 (helicopter whirring)

00:09:24 (gunshot)

00:09:26 - What's that?

00:09:29 (suspenseful music)

00:09:32 (knocking)

00:09:41 (whistling)

00:09:44 - Freeze, mother!

00:10:08 (gasps)

00:10:09 Oh.

00:10:10 - Excuse me, mister.

00:10:12 - Yes, what can I do for you?

00:10:14 - Have you seen my guinea pigs?

00:10:15 I had them outside in their cage and they've escaped.

00:10:18 - Guinea pigs, no.

00:10:21 Do guinea pigs taste good with barbecue sauce?

00:10:26 - Pardon me?

00:10:27 - Nevermind.

00:10:30 Don't you worry, though.

00:10:31 If we find those guinea pigs,

00:10:32 we'll make sure you get 'em back.

00:10:33 - Thank you, mister.

00:10:34 - Okay.

00:10:38 (sighs)

00:10:40 Maybe just the tails.

00:10:41 - I made some shit for you guys to eat.

00:10:47 - Oh.

00:10:48 Well, that's nice.

00:10:49 What did you make?

00:10:50 - Well, the ones with the shrimp in the cracker,

00:10:52 I call those the Headless Horseman.

00:10:55 The one with the fancy vegetable crap on it,

00:10:57 I call that the Hangman's Delight.

00:10:59 I made those for my vegan friend, Jack.

00:11:01 - Thank you.

00:11:03 - Thank you is right, my friend.

00:11:05 - That's very clever, son.

00:11:07 All right, now I'm going back to the kitchen

00:11:09 to finish dinner.

00:11:10 Eat up.

00:11:11 I mean it, Capiche?

00:11:18 I don't wanna see one friggin' thing left on that plate

00:11:20 when I come back in this room.

00:11:22 - That is one strange boy.

00:11:27 It's Harry's side of the family for you.

00:11:31 - You're talking about Sonny?

00:11:32 I thought he was from your side of the family.

00:11:34 - Seriously?

00:11:36 Well, seriously, my name is Myers.

00:11:37 Scott's Irish.

00:11:38 Do you see any Italian on my side?

00:11:40 - You see any Italian on my side?

00:11:42 - I'm gonna hunt rodents for dinner.

00:11:46 Wish me luck!

00:11:47 - Fun deer.

00:11:48 - This stuff is great.

00:11:52 You gotta get the recipe.

00:11:53 How's yours, Jack?

00:11:57 (dramatic music)

00:12:00 (dramatic music)

00:12:03 - Come on, you're not seriously gonna hunt, are you?

00:12:11 - Of course I am.

00:12:12 - Do you have any respect for my decision to be a vegan?

00:12:17 - You vegan guys would be all right with me.

00:12:19 You just ate some fuckin' meat!

00:12:21 Look at you, my guy, what do you weigh, about 30 pounds?

00:12:24 - Dad, I'm in my 20s, okay?

00:12:27 You never even once tried to put my concerns

00:12:30 above yours.

00:12:31 You hear that?

00:12:34 - Hear what?

00:12:37 - Squeaking sound.

00:12:38 - Guinea pigs in the house.

00:12:40 Time to lock it low, boy.

00:12:43 Dinner is served.

00:12:45 (dramatic music)

00:12:48 (dramatic music)

00:12:51 - Here, little piggies.

00:13:10 You goddamn little pigs.

00:13:11 Well, you are a worthy adversary.

00:13:15 - Daddy!

00:13:17 - What?

00:13:18 - Daddy!

00:13:19 - What?

00:13:19 What?

00:13:21 - How about a hug?

00:13:24 - No, of course you didn't.

00:13:25 Hi, honey.

00:13:31 - Hi. - Hi.

00:13:33 - It's good to see you, Mom.

00:13:34 It's been so long.

00:13:35 - Yeah, I know.

00:13:36 I know it has, honey, it's just that--

00:13:38 - Are you reaching for your gun

00:13:39 when you should be talking to me?

00:13:41 - No.

00:13:43 'Cause I love you, darling.

00:13:47 It's just that--

00:13:48 (dramatic music)

00:13:49 - Just what?

00:13:50 What are you doing? - Hold on!

00:13:52 Hold it right there.

00:13:54 Heel, heel ya, little freaky.

00:13:56 - Mom, you have to stop him.

00:14:00 He's gonna shoot something.

00:14:02 - Now, honey, he does this every year.

00:14:05 - What, so you're saying it's okay

00:14:06 to kill harmless, defenseless animals?

00:14:09 - It's a sport, sunshine, just like badminton.

00:14:13 - If it was a sport, then Santa's reindeer here

00:14:16 would've had a rifle, too.

00:14:18 - Your father needs every advantage he can get.

00:14:21 - I'm gonna stop him.

00:14:24 - You just do that, dear.

00:14:25 It's good that you and your daddy

00:14:27 are spending some time together.

00:14:28 (playful music)

00:14:34 (playful music)

00:14:38 (playful music)

00:14:40 - Bastards.

00:14:51 Feed my ass.

00:15:01 I need some meat.

00:15:06 Bastards, where are you?

00:15:07 (phone dings)

00:15:10 Yeah?

00:15:12 What do you want?

00:15:13 - Oh, hi, I'm Matt, Julie's boyfriend.

00:15:18 Did I catch you at a bad time?

00:15:20 - Bad time?

00:15:21 I don't know, you're about three hours too goddamn late.

00:15:24 She took off with one of her exes,

00:15:25 one of those mistletoe gang bang thing, you know?

00:15:28 Nah, I'm just messing with you.

00:15:32 - Oh, oh.

00:15:34 Oh, good, 'cause I was just, so the gun is just.

00:15:38 (gun clicks)

00:15:40 - You ever hunt?

00:15:42 - Oh, yeah, back in South Dakota, my family, we deer.

00:15:45 - You ever hunt guinea pigs?

00:15:47 - No, no.

00:15:50 - Cunning little bastards, you know?

00:15:52 Got that secret language of theirs, that.

00:15:53 (goat bleats)

00:15:56 Some kind of secret code or something.

00:15:57 Enough to drive a man insane, but no worries.

00:16:00 I'll get you your goddamn Christmas guinea pig dinner.

00:16:02 You can count on that, huh?

00:16:04 - That is just plain mean, Harry.

00:16:06 - I'll shoot you next.

00:16:09 - Come on, Matthew.

00:16:11 Harry's harmless.

00:16:13 - Oh, thank you.

00:16:13 - Just don't piss him off.

00:16:18 He shoots off faster than a virgin in a whore convention.

00:16:21 - That's funny.

00:16:23 (gun fires)

00:16:25 Goddamn it!

00:16:26 Hey, babe.

00:16:29 - Hi, on a trip?

00:16:32 - Oh.

00:16:33 You are worth every minute of it.

00:16:36 - Sucking up will get you everywhere, my friend.

00:16:39 - You must be Matt.

00:16:44 - Hey.

00:16:45 - I'm the tester, put her in the vice.

00:16:46 - Don't break it, honey, he's only a boy.

00:16:48 Hi, I'm Sally.

00:16:50 - Hi, Matt.

00:16:51 - Sorry about that, brother.

00:16:53 I've been taking these pills,

00:16:54 trying to get back in the league, you know?

00:16:56 Make you huge and rip like in a frigging week,

00:16:58 but the side effects are insane.

00:17:01 Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

00:17:03 - She said you play professional football, right?

00:17:05 - That's right, brother, eight years.

00:17:06 - Wow, that's really incredible.

00:17:09 - Then you ought to see the size of these savage craps

00:17:11 I've been backing out since I've been on these things.

00:17:14 Two feet long if they're an inch, you know what I mean?

00:17:17 - I have no clue.

00:17:18 - I'm gonna go get grandma.

00:17:21 - Okay, see you, hon.

00:17:22 Oh, then I get these 12-hour boners too.

00:17:26 I mean, full mess.

00:17:27 I can't even run them out fast enough.

00:17:30 - Well, the wife doesn't seem to mind too much, huh?

00:17:33 But it does turn my you-know-what

00:17:34 more purple than Barney's ass.

00:17:37 - I need a drink.

00:17:38 - Oh, I hear you, brother.

00:17:39 I gotta drink 20 pitchers of water a day

00:17:40 just to have one leak.

00:17:42 Always parched.

00:17:44 Listen, you wanna try some of these things?

00:17:47 - You know, I'm really happy just the way I am,

00:17:51 kinda skinny and wussy-like.

00:17:53 - Hey, makes sense, dude, whatever works for you.

00:17:56 Besides, I wouldn't recommend a painful rectal itch anyway.

00:18:00 - I'm gonna go now.

00:18:04 - Okay.

00:18:05 Hey, good meeting you.

00:18:06 Merry Christmas.

00:18:07 Cute little fella, isn't he?

00:18:10 (snoring)

00:18:14 It's percolating.

00:18:19 I gotta go take the Browns to the Super Bowl, babe.

00:18:25 (farting)

00:18:27 - Hi, I'm Matt.

00:18:33 - Matt the butcher?

00:18:37 - No, I'm Julie's man.

00:18:39 - So you're not Matt the butcher?

00:18:41 - No.

00:18:43 - Then you're Matt the carrot cutter.

00:18:47 Here's a knife.

00:18:47 I need 100 of these cut up.

00:18:52 - You know what, I'm gonna go find out where Julie is.

00:18:55 - Christmas is about families.

00:18:57 Families help out.

00:18:59 Cut the friggin' carrots.

00:19:00 - Grandma.

00:19:09 - Hi, sweetie.

00:19:10 - Come downstairs, Matt's here.

00:19:12 - Okay, just give me a second, will you?

00:19:15 - What are those?

00:19:16 - Just something for my heart.

00:19:17 - Is something wrong?

00:19:19 - Yeah, my age, that's what's wrong.

00:19:22 Some things you just can't stop.

00:19:24 Hand me some water, will you, baby?

00:19:25 - There you go. - Thanks.

00:19:28 That's better, now, why don't we have some girl talk?

00:19:36 - Okay.

00:19:37 - Oh, when you were last up here, you were what?

00:19:42 Eight, nine years old?

00:19:45 - Yeah, something like that.

00:19:47 - Okay, so come on, tell me about your young man.

00:19:50 Tell me everything, give me all the good stuff.

00:19:54 - Well, he's downstairs.

00:19:57 - Hmm?

00:19:58 - And he's wonderful, and he's--

00:20:00 - Big?

00:20:01 - Average height, I guess.

00:20:05 I mean, he's not too fat or skinny.

00:20:07 He's kind of in between, he's just right.

00:20:09 What does that have to do with anything?

00:20:11 - Sweetie, cut to the chase.

00:20:14 I said I wanted to hear everything, the good stuff.

00:20:16 Now, come on, come on, is he big?

00:20:20 - Grandma?

00:20:21 - He is.

00:20:21 - He's huge.

00:20:24 I mean, like, desert donkey huge.

00:20:27 - Oh, lucky you.

00:20:29 - Yeah.

00:20:30 - Your grandfather was unfortunately not very well endowed.

00:20:35 More like a desert mouse.

00:20:38 - Poor grandpa.

00:20:39 - Poor grandpa, my ass, poor me.

00:20:42 (upbeat music)

00:20:45 (knife chopping)

00:20:48 - What are you doing?

00:20:51 - Cutting the carrots.

00:20:52 - No, you're squishing the goddamn things.

00:20:54 Here, move, I'll show you how it's done.

00:20:57 Okay, watch.

00:20:58 - Yeah, yeah.

00:20:59 - Hey, are you watching?

00:21:01 I learned this from Guido the gutter.

00:21:03 You know what a gutter is?

00:21:04 - I get the idea.

00:21:06 - All right, you move it like this,

00:21:08 in a rocking motion, see?

00:21:09 From left to right, you use your fingers,

00:21:13 you push it along, makes it quicker.

00:21:15 You do it.

00:21:16 See?

00:21:23 You're good.

00:21:24 - No, I'm just--

00:21:24 - You're good.

00:21:25 Real good.

00:21:28 - I am pretty amazing at it, aren't I?

00:21:31 - I said you were good,

00:21:32 I didn't say you were freaking fantastic.

00:21:34 Keep cutting.

00:21:40 - There's no carrots could bleed like that.

00:21:43 - Carrots bleed?

00:21:44 - That one does.

00:21:45 (screaming)

00:21:50 (suspenseful music)

00:21:53 - Here you are.

00:22:07 Come to daddy.

00:22:10 I'm gonna shoot your freaking squeaky heads off.

00:22:13 - Dad, where are you?

00:22:19 - I'm down.

00:22:22 What's the boy doing there?

00:22:23 - So soon?

00:22:25 - No.

00:22:27 I don't think you need a big house for that.

00:22:28 - Come on, I know you're out here.

00:22:30 - Careful, son.

00:22:37 - No.

00:22:39 - Hey.

00:22:40 - A while now, you don't know what they might do.

00:22:44 - All right, okay, okay.

00:22:47 - Got two bullets left.

00:22:48 One for the boy's leg.

00:22:50 - Come on.

00:22:52 - Okay.

00:22:53 Oh yeah, you're so cute.

00:22:55 You're okay.

00:22:57 - Come on for dinner.

00:22:59 - Yeah.

00:23:00 - Just stay still, boy.

00:23:01 You're only gonna hurt for about a week or so.

00:23:07 - All right, all right.

00:23:09 Dad.

00:23:11 - Ah, shit!

00:23:12 Shit, no.

00:23:13 Hey, whoa.

00:23:15 All right, hunting season's over, all right?

00:23:16 Now come inside.

00:23:17 It's okay.

00:23:21 It's all right.

00:23:22 (alarm beeping)

00:23:29 - Oh my God!

00:23:30 Oh my God!

00:23:31 I can't even get home!

00:23:32 - Quit being such a cry baby.

00:23:34 You got nine more.

00:23:35 That's 90%.

00:23:36 If you had 90% on your college board,

00:23:37 you'd be happy, wouldn't you?

00:23:38 - But this is my finger.

00:23:40 - As if it hasn't happened to everybody, huh?

00:23:43 - Really?

00:23:44 You lost a finger?

00:23:45 - No, I'm not stupid enough to cut my finger off.

00:23:47 I'm talking about the other idiots.

00:23:49 - Oh.

00:23:50 Oh God.

00:23:52 This doesn't look very good.

00:23:54 - You're getting blood all over the cannolis

00:23:56 and the cookies.

00:23:57 We're not gonna have anything for dessert for Christmas.

00:24:00 - Sorry.

00:24:00 I don't feel that well.

00:24:03 - You feel you're gonna pass out

00:24:04 'cause you don't look too good, kid.

00:24:06 Can you catch me?

00:24:08 Do I look like a guy who would catch you?

00:24:14 - Need another drink?

00:24:27 Please.

00:24:29 (ominous music)

00:24:31 - You remember when we were about nine or 10,

00:24:44 you told Jimmy Donner I was a lesbian?

00:24:47 - No, I did that.

00:24:49 - Yes, you did that.

00:24:51 - I remember telling Peter McKay that in 11th grade.

00:24:55 - You told Peter I was a lesbian?

00:24:58 - Of course I did.

00:25:00 - Rich Peter?

00:25:01 - Yes.

00:25:02 - Really rich, completely good-looking Peter?

00:25:06 - Yes.

00:25:07 - Really rich, completely good-looking, hot in bed Peter?

00:25:10 - I think we established that it's Peter.

00:25:12 - Why did you do that?

00:25:14 - Did you see who I was with?

00:25:16 - Harry, your future husband?

00:25:18 - Who would have thought I'd have to settle?

00:25:20 Oh God.

00:25:21 - I need a needle and thread.

00:25:23 - Oh, I may have some in my purse.

00:25:25 What happened?

00:25:27 - Well, there was an accident

00:25:27 with the carrots in the kitchen.

00:25:29 (laughing)

00:25:31 - Are they all right?

00:25:33 - You think that's funny?

00:25:34 Funny is not bloody carrots in the cannoli,

00:25:37 nor is it blood-spattered snowmen.

00:25:39 Funny is someone getting shot in the ass.

00:25:42 Or when Cramden tells Alice to get shot to the moon.

00:25:44 That is funny.

00:25:45 You don't know from funny.

00:25:47 (somber music)

00:25:50 - See?

00:25:53 It's better than shooting dinner, right?

00:25:55 - Strange urge to shoot you.

00:25:57 - I bet you do.

00:26:00 - Hey brothers.

00:26:03 What's the story?

00:26:06 - Hanging lights.

00:26:08 What about you, I had Sally kick you out?

00:26:10 - Nah, just did some serious damage

00:26:12 to the upstairs bathroom.

00:26:14 I get these horrific methane explosions from my pills,

00:26:17 put a match near my ass,

00:26:19 and I'll show you the Big Bang Theory in practice.

00:26:22 Fecal matter everywhere.

00:26:24 I'm like a weapon of mass destruction.

00:26:26 - Doesn't sound very healthy.

00:26:28 - It's very pleasant.

00:26:28 - Well, neither is the 40 gallons of eye snot

00:26:31 that comes out of me every day.

00:26:32 I swear to you, I need a chisel and pick

00:26:34 just to get my eyes open.

00:26:37 - Jesus.

00:26:38 - Well, the side effects are unbelievable.

00:26:42 But the homosexuality one, totally caught me off guard.

00:26:45 I've been watching solid gold reruns for weeks now,

00:26:49 and I'm telling you, those dancers are hot.

00:26:53 Leather pants, they've never looked so good.

00:26:55 - I hope that one wears off soon.

00:26:58 - Me too.

00:26:59 Getting a woody watching 400 pound linemen shower?

00:27:03 That ain't too good for your well-being.

00:27:05 Well, listen, you guys got her under control.

00:27:09 I've gotta go take my pills.

00:27:11 Otherwise, things could get worse.

00:27:13 Carry on.

00:27:17 - Has your family always been like this?

00:27:18 - As long as I can remember.

00:27:20 (door knocking)

00:27:23 - Merry Christmas.

00:27:30 - Save me the pleasantries, woman.

00:27:31 Is the witch here yet?

00:27:33 - It's her house, pops.

00:27:34 - It's us, huh?

00:27:38 Completely the fault of the shyster lawyer O'Reilly.

00:27:41 - Hey, Grandpa.

00:27:44 - Do I know him?

00:27:46 - Your grandson.

00:27:47 - Oh, you think you're getting it all, huh, do you?

00:27:50 The house, the money, the chateau in France?

00:27:53 - We don't have a chateau in France, pops.

00:27:56 - Damn lawyers.

00:27:58 - Can I fix you a drink?

00:27:59 - Better get me two.

00:28:01 God knows I'll need every drop I can get.

00:28:03 That's why I always liked you, best June.

00:28:06 You're a drunk and you're proud of it.

00:28:07 Drink on, honey.

00:28:10 - Hi, pops.

00:28:11 Remember me?

00:28:12 - Oh.

00:28:13 - Yes, something about you.

00:28:14 You've grown.

00:28:16 How are you, Teddy?

00:28:17 - Oh, excellent, thank you, sir.

00:28:18 How are you?

00:28:19 - Good.

00:28:20 - Good, good.

00:28:21 You're feeling a little tense, though, today, pops.

00:28:24 You're not losing that Christmas spirit, are you?

00:28:26 - Christmas, humbug.

00:28:28 - Oh, I thought you liked Christmas.

00:28:32 - Scrooge was right.

00:28:34 Christmas is awful.

00:28:35 - Come on now, you're here with us, Grandpa, right?

00:28:40 It'll be a great Christmas.

00:28:41 - And who are you?

00:28:43 - Your grandson.

00:28:44 - Another grandson?

00:28:46 Gosh, I didn't even know I had kids.

00:28:48 - Oh, I get that problem, too.

00:28:49 You taking those pills to bulk up?

00:28:52 You are looking pretty stacked, pops.

00:28:54 Nice pipes.

00:28:55 Yes, sir.

00:28:56 - You're insane, aren't you?

00:28:58 Huh?

00:28:59 (gibberish)

00:29:01 - Ah, so, hey, you been away shooting another movie?

00:29:05 - The memory's fading, son.

00:29:06 I can't find a decent part to save my life,

00:29:09 and who wants to hire an aging old man?

00:29:13 - Well, hey, I would, Grandpa.

00:29:14 I would.

00:29:15 - Are you a casting agent?

00:29:17 - No.

00:29:18 - Then who cares what you think?

00:29:19 June, where's my drink?

00:29:21 - Oh, here you go.

00:29:23 - Thank you.

00:29:25 Am I in the right house?

00:29:26 I don't recognize a darn one of you.

00:29:29 - Yes, you are.

00:29:31 Would you like to go say hello to Lana?

00:29:33 - I wouldn't say one word to her

00:29:35 if she was the last woman on Earth.

00:29:38 - That's okay, you can stay here and talk to me.

00:29:40 - On second thought, I think I should go and say hello

00:29:44 to the little tramp.

00:29:46 - Are you sure you know what you're doing?

00:29:52 - Does it matter?

00:29:52 - Ow, ow.

00:29:56 - Oh, poor baby, did I hurt you?

00:29:58 - No.

00:29:59 No, I'm sorry, it's fine.

00:30:01 - I learned a trick from a friend of mine

00:30:04 named Killer Salvatore, you wanna hear it?

00:30:06 - Not really.

00:30:07 - Killer was in charge of taking care of problems

00:30:11 for this other friend of mine, Don Capriccio.

00:30:14 One day this guy named Trevor comes up to him.

00:30:17 And what kind of name is Trevor, anyways?

00:30:19 Sounds like a faggot old name to me.

00:30:21 Anyways, he shows up and he's got a severed ear.

00:30:25 - I don't think that I really need

00:30:27 to hear this story right now.

00:30:29 - A severed ear.

00:30:31 He's crying like a baby.

00:30:33 Wah, wah, wah.

00:30:35 Killer, he's a tailor, see?

00:30:39 It's a good one, huh?

00:30:40 - A tailor?

00:30:41 I think that this is good enough.

00:30:44 - Look what you did now.

00:30:47 Now you're starting to piss me off.

00:30:49 I gotta start over.

00:30:50 - Okay, you know what?

00:30:52 I think it's okay.

00:30:54 You know, nine out of 10, that's pretty good.

00:30:57 And I really don't wanna piss you off.

00:31:00 - Yeah, well that's good 'cause I'm not a guy

00:31:02 that likes being pissed off.

00:31:03 Which brings me back to my story.

00:31:10 Killer sees this faggola crying like a little girl.

00:31:13 So he asks the clown to give him his hand.

00:31:17 This is the part where you give me a hand, you know?

00:31:19 (Killer grunts)

00:31:22 Okay?

00:31:24 Now how much does that hurt?

00:31:26 - It hurts bad.

00:31:27 - Okay, just focus your pain.

00:31:30 - Okay.

00:31:31 (Killer screams)

00:31:35 - Doesn't hurt so bad anymore, does it?

00:31:39 And the faggola, he forgot about his ear too.

00:31:41 That killer was a genius.

00:31:44 (phone ringing)

00:31:47 - Do you want me to get that?

00:31:55 - No, I'll get it.

00:31:57 - Are you sure I can get it?

00:31:58 - Okay, okay, go ahead, get it.

00:32:00 By the time I'm done,

00:32:02 you'll have it figured out as to who it is.

00:32:05 - Hello?

00:32:06 Hi, Trudy.

00:32:08 Yeah, she's right here.

00:32:09 She's just putting on her lipstick.

00:32:10 Trudy wants to know if you want her

00:32:14 to send over the truck of paint.

00:32:16 - Tell Trudy to shove it up her ass.

00:32:18 - She says she'll be in just a minute.

00:32:20 - No, I said to shove it up her ass.

00:32:23 - Grandma.

00:32:23 - Trudy, shove it up your ass.

00:32:28 - Now what if that was important?

00:32:31 - Then they'll call back.

00:32:32 (phone ringing)

00:32:36 - Hello, Trudy.

00:32:37 Yes.

00:32:40 Damn right I'm as ornery as I was 20 years ago.

00:32:43 Tonight?

00:32:46 It's Christmas Eve.

00:32:48 Well, that silly Danish bastard.

00:32:53 I guess it's all right.

00:32:56 Sure, why not?

00:32:57 Oh, wait a minute.

00:32:59 Is he really going to cast me for sure?

00:33:03 Well, Fosse always said I was the best non-dancing dancer

00:33:07 he had ever seen.

00:33:07 Of course, I slept with him.

00:33:10 That's why he wants to meet me.

00:33:14 Can I play physical comedy?

00:33:17 Oh, police people is the Pope Catholic.

00:33:20 Yeah.

00:33:22 Okay.

00:33:23 Fine, darling, fine.

00:33:25 Okay, see you in a bit.

00:33:27 Kiss, kiss.

00:33:28 Well, sweetie, let's go.

00:33:33 I've got one last performance to give.

00:33:37 We'll see what they're doing in the kitchen.

00:33:41 - Clark, Merry Christmas.

00:33:44 - Merry Christmas.

00:33:45 - What are you up to?

00:33:47 - Who are you?

00:33:49 - She's your granddaughter.

00:33:51 - I seem to have grandkids coming out of the wazoo.

00:33:54 When the hell did everyone get pregnant?

00:33:57 - Oh, about 20 years ago.

00:34:00 - Why didn't anyone tell me?

00:34:02 - We did, dear, we did.

00:34:05 The memory occasionally fades a little.

00:34:07 Sometimes I feel like the page is half blank.

00:34:11 - Sweetie, you're a whole clean sheet.

00:34:14 - At least I can remember what I liked about you, Lana.

00:34:18 - Oh?

00:34:19 - What?

00:34:20 - Nothing.

00:34:22 - Oh, that man makes me so crazy.

00:34:28 - You still love him, don't you?

00:34:30 - What?

00:34:32 - Oh, honey, I wouldn't get back together with that man

00:34:35 if it meant I'd never work again.

00:34:39 - Right.

00:34:41 - What right?

00:34:43 - Honey, Sonny.

00:34:48 Oh, hello, young man.

00:34:51 I'm Julie's grandmother, welcome.

00:34:54 - Thank you.

00:34:54 - What happened to your finger?

00:34:56 - Oh, it's just a flesh wound.

00:34:58 - Julie, dear, would you mind taking your,

00:35:01 (laughs)

00:35:03 your boyfriend away for just a few minutes?

00:35:06 - Sure.

00:35:07 - I need to talk to Sonny alone.

00:35:08 We'll be right with you.

00:35:10 Sonny?

00:35:12 - Yeah?

00:35:12 - We need another place setting for dinner.

00:35:15 I'm sorry, but I've got this hot,

00:35:17 young European director coming by,

00:35:19 and I don't want anything to go wrong.

00:35:21 Above all, keep your grandfather away from all of it.

00:35:25 If he gets wind of this, I swear,

00:35:28 he will be begging that director for a role in the movie.

00:35:31 And there's room for only one American in it,

00:35:33 and that American is a mwuh.

00:35:37 - And I am not his goddamn nursemaid.

00:35:40 - Sonny!

00:35:42 - Ow!

00:35:43 - What have I told you about her language?

00:35:46 - She's, she's.

00:35:47 (lighthearted music)

00:35:59 - Lots of real estate, Harry.

00:36:00 Corner pocket, right?

00:36:04 Do you guys remember Carrie Dunlop?

00:36:18 - Oh, the hot chick from high school.

00:36:20 - A tramp.

00:36:21 - Slut.

00:36:22 - Skanky whore.

00:36:23 - Hummer queen.

00:36:25 - Rock 'em, suck 'em robot.

00:36:27 - Oh, I loved her.

00:36:29 - Oh, she was the best.

00:36:30 - Diseased as the day is long.

00:36:32 Colts or Carrie, we called her.

00:36:35 - What about her?

00:36:36 - I saw her last week.

00:36:38 - When did you see her?

00:36:40 - Oh, she's a heifer now.

00:36:42 300 pounds, maybe more.

00:36:44 Russians want to use her to replace the space station.

00:36:47 - I hear she's running the Kentucky Derby,

00:36:49 three to one to place.

00:36:50 - Poor thing.

00:36:52 - We should call.

00:36:53 - Anything that big needs a stewardess on board.

00:36:56 - A Buddha babe.

00:36:58 - Italian bakeries don't have that many rolls.

00:37:00 (laughing)

00:37:01 - She's not a homeowner, she's gotta make two trips.

00:37:04 - Yeah, if she was Jonah, she would've choked the whale.

00:37:07 - That's just cold.

00:37:10 - Totally rude.

00:37:12 - That's disgusting.

00:37:13 - No, you've gone too far, brother.

00:37:16 Too damn far.

00:37:18 Fat people got feelings too, you know.

00:37:21 And it's not her fault she's got more crack

00:37:23 than Columbia Mardi Gras.

00:37:24 - Yeah, but--

00:37:25 - Nope.

00:37:27 You may have just ruined Christmas.

00:37:29 I hope you're happy.

00:37:30 I need some air.

00:37:35 - You might wanna talk to your boyfriend about where he is.

00:37:50 We don't like people who make fun of people with disabilities.

00:37:54 - I'm not making fun of people with disabilities.

00:37:56 I'm just saying, I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:37:58 - I know, I know.

00:37:59 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:00 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:02 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:03 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:04 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:06 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:07 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:09 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:10 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:11 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:12 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:13 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:15 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:16 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:21 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:23 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:24 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:25 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:26 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:27 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:28 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:29 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:30 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:31 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:32 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:33 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:34 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:35 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:36 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:37 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:42 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:43 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:44 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:45 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:46 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:47 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:48 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:49 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:50 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:51 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:52 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:53 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:54 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:55 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:56 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:38:57 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:07 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:08 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:09 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:10 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:11 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:12 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:13 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:14 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:15 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:16 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:17 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:18 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:19 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:20 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:21 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:22 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:23 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:24 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:25 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:26 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:27 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:28 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:29 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:30 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:31 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:32 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:33 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:34 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:35 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:36 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:37 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:39:38 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:04 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:05 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:06 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:07 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:08 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:09 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:10 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:11 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:12 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:13 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:14 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:15 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:16 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:17 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:18 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:19 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:20 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:44 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:51 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:52 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:53 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:54 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:55 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:56 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:57 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:58 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:40:59 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:00 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:01 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:02 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:03 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:04 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:05 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:06 - I'm not gonna be able to do it.

00:41:34 - How are you, dear?

00:41:36 Mind if I sit with you for a little while?

00:41:38 - Sure, go right ahead.

00:41:41 How are you, Lana?

00:41:43 You look a little tired.

00:41:44 Can I get you a drink?

00:41:46 - Tired?

00:41:47 I'm not tired.

00:41:48 I never get tired.

00:41:51 But you've had a little too much to drink.

00:41:54 Don't you think you have a little too much wobbly

00:41:56 in your wobbly pop?

00:41:58 Oh, honey, it's not even time for dinner yet.

00:42:02 I drink the proper amount of alcohol.

00:42:04 Enough to get me drunk,

00:42:05 but not enough to get me pregnant.

00:42:07 - (laughing)

00:42:09 Well, it seems to me like you've messed up on that one

00:42:12 at least a couple of times.

00:42:14 I mean, two children before you're 20?

00:42:17 My God, child, what on Earth--

00:42:18 - I'm almost 40 now.

00:42:20 You can't keep damning me for mistakes

00:42:22 that I made 20 years ago.

00:42:24 - What mistakes, Mom?

00:42:25 - Talking about you and Jack, dear.

00:42:29 - I didn't mean that, Julie.

00:42:32 Do you see what you've done?

00:42:34 You're never happy unless everyone's upset.

00:42:37 Sometimes I wish you would just drop dead.

00:42:41 I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

00:42:45 - Then how did you mean it?

00:42:47 You sure it was never born?

00:42:48 - You know, I really don't have a clue what I meant.

00:42:51 The old bag just gets me frustrated.

00:42:53 You guys are the most important thing

00:42:55 that ever happened to me.

00:42:57 - Really?

00:42:59 Seriously?

00:43:01 Look at me.

00:43:02 - It's always like this.

00:43:04 Everybody always fights.

00:43:05 - I know, it's because of--

00:43:07 Oh, rotten--

00:43:08 - Mom, will you stop calling her names?

00:43:10 - Okay, okay.

00:43:11 I promise to try and get along with the Cabbage Patch Mall.

00:43:13 - Mom.

00:43:15 - I'm almost finished.

00:43:16 I just need one more.

00:43:17 - Fine.

00:43:19 - She's a demented--

00:43:21 - Old--

00:43:22 - Tater tart.

00:43:24 - Do you even know what that means?

00:43:26 - No clue, but it felt great.

00:43:28 - Okay, I'm good now.

00:43:29 No more name calling.

00:43:30 - Promise?

00:43:32 - I'll try.

00:43:34 - Thank you.

00:43:36 Thanks, Mom, for this girly moment.

00:43:42 - You tell anyone, you die.

00:43:45 - I don't really think she meant that.

00:43:49 (crow cawing)

00:43:54 - Desert donkey, huh?

00:43:57 Ooh.

00:44:00 Yeah.

00:44:02 (singing in foreign language)

00:44:06 - Good to see you, Boomba.

00:44:16 - Yeah, I can see why.

00:44:18 - Oh, shit.

00:44:19 - Nice setup you got here.

00:44:20 - No, no, no, it's not like that.

00:44:22 - Yeah, of course it is, and that's okay.

00:44:25 As long as you do what you're told,

00:44:27 everything's gonna be okay, huh?

00:44:29 - Oh, yeah, right.

00:44:31 - What are you trying to kill me with this crap?

00:44:36 - What are you on about?

00:44:37 - Did I insult you or something?

00:44:39 You got a death wish.

00:44:41 - That is not yours.

00:44:43 - Well, who the hell is it for?

00:44:45 You could kill somebody with that shit.

00:44:47 - Gentlemen.

00:44:49 Hello, we haven't met.

00:44:50 I'm Harry.

00:44:51 - Yeah, I'm Johnny the Wack.

00:44:53 - Of course you are.

00:44:54 - Who, you freaking dirty Harry Jr.?

00:44:56 - I've been hunting.

00:44:57 - In Malibu?

00:44:58 - I already said that.

00:44:59 - I always kill something for Christmas dinner.

00:45:02 - Oh, yeah?

00:45:03 So what are we eating for dinner, Davy Crockett?

00:45:04 - Filet of brick wall,

00:45:06 which is about all he's hit so far.

00:45:08 - I've been hunting guinea pigs.

00:45:10 - Who you calling a guinea pig?

00:45:11 And you ain't shot nothing yet.

00:45:13 - My son's a vegan.

00:45:14 - That tomato killer in the living room?

00:45:16 - No.

00:45:17 - You mean we don't have any meat for dinner?

00:45:19 You invited me to Christmas dinner

00:45:21 with the freaking broccoli family?

00:45:23 Well, I could solve this problem right now.

00:45:26 I will be back.

00:45:30 I must give this to Grandma and you to both.

00:45:33 - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:34 Get the hell out of here.

00:45:35 I don't think we need to be--

00:45:36 - Hey, listen, Junior.

00:45:38 I'll go catch dinner if you're too scared to, okay?

00:45:41 Just stay close and watch how a real man does it.

00:45:44 - Thank you, no, I don't need a partner.

00:45:45 - Hey, you see this gun?

00:45:47 - Yes.

00:45:48 - You see the size of this gun?

00:45:50 - Uh-huh.

00:45:51 - With this, I could put a hole the size of a watermelon

00:45:54 in a rampaging rhino from three miles away.

00:45:58 Not sure why I would want to do that,

00:46:00 but more importantly to you, my friend,

00:46:02 is that I can.

00:46:04 - Some serious firing power.

00:46:06 - Yeah, you're damn straight.

00:46:08 - Can I try it?

00:46:10 - In the freaking house?

00:46:11 What are you, some kind of freak?

00:46:14 - Come with me.

00:46:16 (dramatic music)

00:46:18 - And then Sonny just, he just sewed it back on.

00:46:20 - Oh, honey, I'm so glad it was only your finger.

00:46:25 (laughing)

00:46:27 - Wine?

00:46:30 - It's about time.

00:46:31 - Actually, I don't drink wine.

00:46:33 - You got a quarter?

00:46:35 Call someone who gives a shit.

00:46:37 - Sonny, language.

00:46:40 Thank you.

00:46:42 So, when is dinner?

00:46:44 - Ask your son.

00:46:45 I'm still waiting for the main course to arrive.

00:46:48 - Uh-oh.

00:46:49 Sounds like maybe we better order pizzas.

00:46:52 - For Christmas?

00:46:53 - You got a problem with pizza?

00:46:56 - I think I'm gonna get some eggnog.

00:46:59 - So, where do you want me to get 'em from?

00:47:03 - Oh, why do I care where you get 'em?

00:47:05 Get 'em in Italy for all I care.

00:47:07 Can't you make a decision on your own?

00:47:09 - All right, I'll call Galinas.

00:47:11 - No.

00:47:12 - What?

00:47:13 - Get 'em from Puxu Wong's.

00:47:15 - The Chinese place?

00:47:16 - Yeah, it's good stuff.

00:47:17 I like it there.

00:47:19 - Why don't you get some noodles instead?

00:47:21 - No, no.

00:47:22 Just the pizzas, thank you.

00:47:24 - All right.

00:47:26 Come on.

00:47:27 - Where the hell you taking me?

00:47:32 - Into the lair of the devil.

00:47:34 - Ah, you want me to shoot cockroaches, huh?

00:47:37 - No, I got bigger games in mind.

00:47:39 You're not my friend.

00:47:40 Much bigger games.

00:47:43 - What's this?

00:47:45 You keep rats?

00:47:46 - Guinea pigs.

00:47:48 Think of them in a honey mustard sauce.

00:47:51 This is dinner.

00:47:53 - They're in a cage.

00:47:54 I can't shoot something in a cage.

00:47:56 - No, you can't.

00:47:57 - No.

00:47:58 I shoot the little bastards,

00:48:00 the bullet hits the cage,

00:48:01 and it comes back and whacks me once.

00:48:04 - Just shoot the fur balls.

00:48:05 Come on, we don't have much time.

00:48:06 My boy gets wind of this, we're finished.

00:48:08 - I need a kill line.

00:48:10 - What's a kill line?

00:48:11 - Are you really that stupid?

00:48:13 Everybody has a kill line.

00:48:15 Like when Dirty Harry says,

00:48:16 "Go ahead, make my day."

00:48:19 And when Arnie says,

00:48:20 "I'll be back."

00:48:22 Yeah, when you shoot somebody,

00:48:23 you need a kill line.

00:48:24 It's only polite.

00:48:26 You obviously never killed a man before.

00:48:29 - No.

00:48:30 - This thinking stuff is hard.

00:48:33 I need something, you know,

00:48:34 something witty to say.

00:48:36 - How about, "Give it up, guinea pigs."

00:48:39 - Give it up, guinea pigs?

00:48:41 What are they, freakin' rappers?

00:48:43 Give it up, guinea pigs,

00:48:44 for the first Italian rappers?

00:48:47 Shut up.

00:48:49 - How about, "Eat you later."

00:48:50 - How about, "Shut the hell up."

00:48:53 Now let me think, okay?

00:48:55 I got it.

00:48:58 - Okay, what is it?

00:48:59 - I'm not gonna tell you.

00:49:01 A kill line is meant to be

00:49:02 the last thing a victim ever hears.

00:49:05 That's the glory of it.

00:49:06 If I tell you, then they know it's coming.

00:49:09 - And us talking about it in front of them

00:49:11 doesn't do that?

00:49:12 - You know, you're a wise ass.

00:49:14 And you know what I do to wise asses?

00:49:17 - Shoot them?

00:49:18 - I wasn't thinking that,

00:49:19 but that's not a bad damn idea.

00:49:21 - Well, okay then.

00:49:22 Go ahead, take 'em out, huh?

00:49:25 Don't be afraid about the cage.

00:49:27 Don't think guinea pigs think Italian pork.

00:49:31 - But they're kinda cute

00:49:33 and hair all over your ass

00:49:35 kinda way.

00:49:36 They sort of remind me of my girlfriend.

00:49:38 - Come on, do it, shoot 'em.

00:49:41 Shoot that flumpy little asses.

00:49:43 - All right, all right, relax, okay?

00:49:46 I'll take care of business.

00:49:48 (ominous music)

00:49:51 - Hey, what do you think they're saying?

00:49:56 - I think they're saying that you're a loser.

00:49:59 You're a chicken, you're a pussy.

00:50:02 - A baby girl.

00:50:04 - You think so?

00:50:05 - Yeah.

00:50:06 - Hey, wait a minute.

00:50:09 How do you know what they're saying?

00:50:11 You Dr. Freaking Doolittle or something?

00:50:13 You calling me a loser?

00:50:15 - No, no, no, I didn't mean--

00:50:18 - They just might be the cutest little things

00:50:20 that I ever seen.

00:50:22 I just can't do it.

00:50:25 It'd be like shooting my little sister.

00:50:27 - What, what are you doing?

00:50:29 - I can't do it.

00:50:32 To tell you the truth, I think I'm a closet vegan.

00:50:36 - You mean vegan?

00:50:37 - Yeah, that's the word, vegan.

00:50:40 And don't you ever correct me again.

00:50:42 - Put two quick shots in their frontal lobes,

00:50:44 we'll have ourselves a little appetizer.

00:50:46 - Hey, didn't you hear me?

00:50:47 We're vegans.

00:50:49 All of us are vegans.

00:50:50 We're all vegans.

00:50:52 And if I catch one of you touching one little hair

00:50:54 on their chinny chin chin,

00:50:57 then I'll cut you.

00:50:59 Capisce?

00:51:01 Capisce.

00:51:03 - And he's on the green.

00:51:09 - What were you doing talking to Carrie?

00:51:11 - I wasn't talking to Carrie.

00:51:13 I was watching her enormous butt.

00:51:16 It was totally mesmerizing.

00:51:19 - What's the matter with my butt?

00:51:21 - Well, nothing's wrong with it, honey.

00:51:23 - Well, then why were you checking out Buffalo Butt?

00:51:26 - Well, ever since I bit off my tongue,

00:51:29 ever since I've bit on these pills,

00:51:31 I'm getting turned on by really fat chicks.

00:51:34 - Fat chicks?

00:51:36 - Yes, and not your average everyday chubbers either.

00:51:39 I mean, I'm getting really turned on

00:51:41 by your big-butted track pant-wearing,

00:51:45 going to the buffet while you're on your way to bingo girls.

00:51:48 - Are you saying you don't find me attractive?

00:51:51 - You could be.

00:51:53 But you need to eat for crying out loud.

00:51:55 Look at you.

00:51:56 I mean, you could have a love handle here

00:51:58 and one there and put on a little roll there

00:52:01 and thicken up the loins a little,

00:52:04 and bam, you'd be good to go.

00:52:06 - I work hard to look like this.

00:52:08 - Shame, isn't it?

00:52:10 You should let yourself go.

00:52:12 I mean, give me some shimmy, huh?

00:52:14 It's far more attractive.

00:52:16 - Are you serious?

00:52:18 - Absolutely.

00:52:19 I mean, do you realize

00:52:21 we didn't need to spend nine grand for these?

00:52:24 Had you been willing to put a C-note on

00:52:27 and chunk, you'd have had them naturally.

00:52:30 You know, something for me to play with and squeeze.

00:52:33 So next time you're having your popcorn,

00:52:35 just triple the butter, eat more bread,

00:52:38 have your chocolate cake, and boom,

00:52:41 you'd be totally hot.

00:52:43 - I thought you liked me like this.

00:52:46 - Well, in the old days, maybe,

00:52:48 but the new me, I like 'em large and porky.

00:52:53 So I tell you what, you get really plump,

00:52:56 I'll buy you some nice white spandex,

00:52:59 you know, the really tight and clingy kind.

00:53:02 Mm!

00:53:03 - But I'm hot!

00:53:05 I really am!

00:53:06 - You really could be, but it's okay, honey, it's fine.

00:53:10 I will love you no matter how unattractive your body becomes.

00:53:14 - Ah! Ah!

00:53:17 - Swing through the kitchen.

00:53:24 Mm-mm.

00:53:26 Ooh!

00:53:32 Oh, a little woozy!

00:53:35 Ah!

00:53:37 I think the earrings are too damn heavy.

00:53:40 Ah!

00:53:42 Mm.

00:53:45 Oh.

00:53:48 Oh.

00:53:51 Oh.

00:53:54 Oh.

00:53:56 - Hi, this is the Myers residence.

00:54:18 I'd like to order a couple of pizzas for delivery.

00:54:23 - You don't make pizzas.

00:54:25 You Chinese?

00:54:27 What the hell difference does that make?

00:54:30 You people invented pasta, didn't you?

00:54:33 I see.

00:54:35 So you're telling me no.

00:54:38 All right, as long as you're polite about it.

00:54:41 Okay.

00:54:42 Ciao.

00:54:44 No, no, no, not chow mein.

00:54:46 Never mind.

00:54:48 - Grandma!

00:54:50 Grandma!

00:54:52 - Miss Myers, we need to get up there.

00:54:54 - Grandma!

00:54:55 - The... - Grandma?

00:54:57 Oh, my God, I think she's dead.

00:55:01 - I didn't do it.

00:55:02 - I didn't say you did do it.

00:55:04 - Do what?

00:55:05 - Nothing. Go back inside.

00:55:06 - All right, what are you two doing?

00:55:07 - We're not doing anything, but she doesn't look like she's all that well.

00:55:11 - What? She's just sleeping. Look, Grandma!

00:55:14 - No, no, I think, I think, I think she's dead.

00:55:18 - What? Wait, what? She's dead? How do you know? Did you touch her?

00:55:21 - I don't touch dead bodies.

00:55:23 - Well, how do you know she's dead if you didn't check her out?

00:55:26 - That's a good point. You should touch her.

00:55:28 - Hey, that's my grandma. You touch her.

00:55:30 - She's your grandmother. You should... One of you should touch her.

00:55:32 - Well, somebody's got to touch her.

00:55:34 - Not me.

00:55:35 - You do it, then.

00:55:36 - Hey, hey, hey, you should do it. You're the one who's sleeping with her.

00:55:39 - I didn't sleep with your grandmother.

00:55:41 - With her, space boy.

00:55:43 - Oh. Fine. Fine. I'll do it. I'll do it.

00:55:47 - I'll do it.

00:55:49 - No!

00:55:54 - Oh! You just scared the shit out of me.

00:55:57 - She moved!

00:55:58 - Okay. Okay.

00:56:01 - What's that?

00:56:04 - I don't know. It's like a...

00:56:08 - Excess skin thing.

00:56:10 - She's morphing or something. That's disgusting.

00:56:13 - That is the biggest mole I have ever seen.

00:56:17 - Oh, my God.

00:56:19 - Is that her breast?

00:56:21 - Oh, hell no.

00:56:23 - Come on.

00:56:25 - Well, tuck it back in.

00:56:27 - You're not talking to me. Me do it?

00:56:30 - It's your grandmother. You all should do it.

00:56:33 - We're family. We can't do that kind of thing. It gets a little weird.

00:56:37 - I'm not family, and it's really weird.

00:56:40 - Well, tuck it back in.

00:56:42 - Okay. Okay. I'll do it.

00:56:46 [ sighs ]

00:56:48 - Uh-uh. Okay.

00:56:52 - It's in?

00:56:53 - Yeah, it's done.

00:56:55 - Okay. Look.

00:56:57 - We should probably tell Mom and Dad.

00:57:00 - No, no, no. That'll ruin Christmas.

00:57:03 - What are you talking about? Her dying doesn't?

00:57:06 - This is the first time in years that Mom and I have gotten along.

00:57:09 - I mean, everyone's getting along, even you and Dad.

00:57:11 - Okay. I just think that we should tell someone, like the police, maybe.

00:57:14 - What difference is a few hours gonna make?

00:57:17 - This is a bad idea.

00:57:19 - No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:57:22 It's a great idea. I like it.

00:57:24 - How do you think she died?

00:57:27 - Well, I mean, she's old.

00:57:29 It's probably old people stuff.

00:57:32 - What if she was murdered?

00:57:36 - What? How?

00:57:38 - I don't know. She was fine a few minutes ago, and now she's dead.

00:57:41 - Yeah, but who would do something like that?

00:57:44 - What the hell are you doing out there?

00:57:46 Do I have to come out there and kick some ass?

00:57:48 - Shit.

00:57:51 - Sonny.

00:57:53 - Sonny.

00:57:54 - Yeah?

00:57:55 - You think so?

00:57:56 - Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

00:57:58 - He is scary.

00:57:59 - What are we gonna do?

00:58:01 - I don't know. We'll just, you know, we'll have to fake it, you know?

00:58:05 We'll make her look like she's alive.

00:58:07 We'll get her moving around a little bit.

00:58:09 We'll just tell her we figured something else out, huh?

00:58:12 - What? Is this your brother?

00:58:14 That is the dumbest thing that I've ever heard of.

00:58:17 - Oh, yeah? Where'd you come from, Docky boy?

00:58:19 - I'm gonna break your scrawny little necks if you don't get your dumb asses in here right now!

00:58:24 - I'll do whatever I can to help. Just anything.

00:58:27 - Okay. Peace.

00:58:38 - What are the green things?

00:58:40 - Peas.

00:58:42 - There's no meat in them, is there?

00:58:44 - No. Because you wouldn't let me whack the rodents.

00:58:48 - The what?

00:58:49 - Good. Then everybody could have some.

00:58:52 - I have an announcement to make.

00:58:56 - Hooray! Toast!

00:58:59 - Who's this?

00:59:00 - Oh, that's Johnny the Whack.

00:59:03 - Another grandson? What kind of a name is that, Johnny the Whack?

00:59:06 - You should have called him Marion or Sheldon.

00:59:09 They must have beat him senseless when he went to school.

00:59:12 He looks about your age.

00:59:13 - Pop, you're gonna get me killed.

00:59:15 - You were a busy, busy man. A ladies' man.

00:59:19 - Uh, you're a tiger.

00:59:22 - Shh!

00:59:23 - I know you all don't know me, and that's okay.

00:59:30 I just want to tell you that we're all vegans from now on.

00:59:36 - Horser!

00:59:37 - Or I'll cut yous.

00:59:39 - Are all your kids vegetarians?

00:59:43 I'm sorry, son, if I wasn't around when you were little,

00:59:47 I could have helped you get through this mess.

00:59:50 - Well, amen, brother.

00:59:52 Meat makes my fingernails fall off anyway.

00:59:55 Here's to the Whackster.

00:59:57 You guys are the nicest freaking family I ever met.

01:00:01 - They're nuts. I tell you, they're all nuts.

01:00:10 (grunting)

01:00:12 - Help me.

01:00:31 (grunting)

01:00:33 - Oh, damn it.

01:00:49 - Hey.

01:00:55 - Woo hoo.

01:00:56 - Woo.

01:00:57 - That's how you handle it.

01:00:59 - Ooh.

01:01:00 - Oh.

01:01:01 - Is she all right?

01:01:03 - She's drunk again.

01:01:04 - Oh, yeah, she, uh, she's a little tipsy.

01:01:07 - Oh, she's okay.

01:01:09 - Yeah, she's fine.

01:01:11 - Here.

01:01:12 - No.

01:01:13 - Okay.

01:01:14 - Come here.

01:01:16 - Oh, no, no, no.

01:01:18 - It's okay.

01:01:19 - It's okay.

01:01:20 (grunting)

01:01:22 - Whoa, dude, you're a great dancer.

01:01:27 - Thanks.

01:01:28 - Way to go, Grandma.

01:01:29 - Woo hoo, yeah.

01:01:30 Grandma, come sit down.

01:01:32 - Okay.

01:01:33 Yeah, she had a few red wines.

01:01:35 - Mom, I'll sit next to Grandma.

01:01:41 Why don't you scoot over and sit next to Dad?

01:01:43 - No, I said I'll be civil.

01:01:44 I can handle it.

01:01:45 - Don't touch her, she'll break.

01:01:47 - But I really want to sit next to Grandma.

01:01:49 - Go sit down, baby.

01:01:50 I mean it.

01:01:56 - Hello, Granny.

01:01:57 Hello, anyone home?

01:02:01 - Mom.

01:02:07 - I am carbs.

01:02:10 - Whack the old broad.

01:02:24 - What's the matter, nobody's eating.

01:02:26 The food is shit.

01:02:27 - What did you say?

01:02:29 - Don't taste any good.

01:02:30 - That's better.

01:02:31 - Grandma, use a...

01:02:34 Use a napkin.

01:02:40 I know you're hungry, but you look like a got home.

01:02:47 Get a little more glue.

01:02:52 (knocking)

01:02:54 - Dog hit it.

01:02:55 - Jesus, you guys could make a cute couple,

01:03:07 but you'll never convert old Dan to Don here.

01:03:10 - I am Søren Blundey from Denmark.

01:03:12 I'm here to meet Miss Meyers.

01:03:14 I believe you already know Trudy, Miss Meyers' agent.

01:03:16 - You're the one with the evil eye, right?

01:03:18 - Yeah, that's right.

01:03:19 - You're the one with the evil eye, right?

01:03:21 - Hey, look, I got no time for wasting time, sunshine.

01:03:24 Just introduce us and get out of the way.

01:03:26 How you doing, everybody?

01:03:32 Merry Christmas.

01:03:33 Hey, you introduce yourself,

01:03:35 I'm gonna go see if that dinner's up to par.

01:03:38 - Holy shit!

01:03:45 Come on in.

01:03:46 You bringing some side bread back?

01:03:48 - Yeah, I got three larges, two garlic breads,

01:03:51 some curly fries, that'll be 29 bucks, please.

01:03:53 - Yeah, beautiful, sounds good to me.

01:03:55 - Huh?

01:03:56 - Extra buck is for you, dude.

01:03:58 Don't spend it all in one place.

01:04:00 - Hello, Merry Christmas.

01:04:01 I'm Søren Blundey.

01:04:02 I'm here to see Miss Meyers about a movie I'm doing.

01:04:05 - Come on in.

01:04:07 She's right here.

01:04:09 Say hello.

01:04:11 - Hello, Miss Meyers.

01:04:13 She's beautiful.

01:04:15 - She's just, aren't you a little young

01:04:17 to be a pizza delivery guy?

01:04:18 - Hey, I've been doing this for over 30 years.

01:04:20 Someday I hope to be a master pizza delivery guy.

01:04:23 Sort of like a master ninja, but with more sauce,

01:04:25 if you know what I mean.

01:04:26 I got plans, I got really big plans.

01:04:29 - Wow, it must suck to be you.

01:04:31 You wanna come in?

01:04:33 - Really, you're serious?

01:04:34 No one's ever invited me in before.

01:04:36 - Yeah, yeah, I've got a soft spot for losers.

01:04:39 - Why don't you sit in Matt's spot?

01:04:41 - Well, we were just talking something.

01:04:44 - So, you can sit down right next to the lady of the house.

01:04:48 - It was good talking to you, Grandma.

01:04:51 - Mmm, that's so sweet.

01:04:54 - Now Matt.

01:04:56 - I cannot believe this, you are--

01:05:04 - Mmm.

01:05:05 - Hey, what's your name?

01:05:06 - Obely.

01:05:07 - That's a stupid name.

01:05:09 Your parents crack addicts or something?

01:05:11 Seriously, that's your name?

01:05:13 - Obely.

01:05:14 - Well, no worries, you'll fit right in with this group.

01:05:17 - Hold on a second.

01:05:18 - Hey everybody, this is the pizza guy.

01:05:21 He's gonna join us for dinner.

01:05:24 See, you're already part of the family.

01:05:30 He's a sheriff.

01:05:32 - It's about friggin' time.

01:05:35 - He's my friend, man.

01:05:37 Here, right here, brother.

01:05:41 - Hi.

01:05:42 - Would you mind taking off your hat?

01:05:45 - Oh, pardon.

01:05:47 - Pardon.

01:05:48 - Mmm.

01:05:49 - Mmm.

01:05:50 - Mmm.

01:05:51 - Police here!

01:05:53 Okay, I'm going upstairs to make my long distance phone calls.

01:05:59 Call me if you need me.

01:06:03 - And so the film is about love and lust

01:06:05 and the deterioration of the relationship

01:06:07 between a man and a woman as they hit their later years.

01:06:10 And it's a comedy.

01:06:14 - So what's the name of this movie?

01:06:20 - The Swansong.

01:06:22 - So it's a movie about a couple of things.

01:06:25 - Yeah, well, it's a comedy.

01:06:27 - Yeah, well, it's a comedy.

01:06:29 - Yeah, well, it's a comedy.

01:06:31 - It's about a couple of fags.

01:06:33 - What do you mean?

01:06:35 - Who makes a freaking movie with a swan?

01:06:38 - I already said it's about a man and a woman.

01:06:42 - Is there any blood and guts in it?

01:06:44 - No.

01:06:46 - Any car chases?

01:06:48 - No.

01:06:49 - So it sounds like a fag-over movie to me.

01:06:52 One of those movies about Danish fag-overs, the worst kind.

01:06:55 - Yeah, you a fag director?

01:06:58 - No, I am actually married.

01:07:01 - Oh, yeah, and what's his name?

01:07:03 - Yeah, right?

01:07:04 - You know what?

01:07:05 You should be banging your wife more

01:07:07 instead of making freaking movies about swans.

01:07:10 - Swans, but tastes good in a cajun peanut butter sauce,

01:07:13 don't you think?

01:07:14 Slices of lemon in a bucket of chicken.

01:07:17 - Are you interrupting me?

01:07:19 - Sounded to me like you was.

01:07:21 - I don't like that.

01:07:22 - You want to chip whack on one?

01:07:24 - Quiet up!

01:07:25 I'm just checking.

01:07:27 Is there anybody here who would like me

01:07:28 to take their dog for a walk and shake and bake 'em?

01:07:31 - Dad!

01:07:32 - Just checking.

01:07:33 Don't be hating.

01:07:36 - Have you cast the old man's part yet?

01:07:39 - We haven't cast the old man's part yet.

01:07:42 We're still looking to get a star to play it.

01:07:44 - Well, then you're in good shape.

01:07:47 I'm a famous actor.

01:07:48 Why don't you use me?

01:07:50 - Well, have you ever acted before?

01:07:53 - Have I acted before?

01:07:54 I'm famous.

01:07:55 I've been in over 100 films.

01:07:59 - Nothing comes to mind.

01:08:01 Well, I think I do remember you.

01:08:04 You're the guy who played Santa Claus

01:08:06 in those beer commercials?

01:08:07 I really need someone just a little more talented,

01:08:10 someone who can do physical comedy

01:08:12 while still being extremely dramatic.

01:08:14 And besides, I only have room for one American.

01:08:17 The other person needs to be Danish.

01:08:20 - I can do comedy.

01:08:21 I really can.

01:08:23 - Wanna see?

01:08:25 - No, not really.

01:08:27 - So, pizza guy,

01:08:28 why does a guy as old as you

01:08:29 want to deliver pizzas for a living?

01:08:31 - Lack of marketable skills for the most part.

01:08:34 - Oh, I hear you, bro.

01:08:35 You're coming from the heart.

01:08:37 You're a retard, aren't you?

01:08:39 - Hey, hey, my IQ's 91.

01:08:41 I hope to get it over 100 someday.

01:08:43 It's something to shoot for anyway.

01:08:45 - 91?

01:08:47 You're one step above a plunger, dude.

01:08:50 It's okay.

01:08:52 At least you have your looks.

01:08:54 (laughing)

01:08:55 Hey, hands off the food, brother.

01:08:57 - You're not eating it.

01:08:58 - Come on, Blatch, 'cause it's in your mouth, Oprah.

01:09:01 - Snooze you lose, asshole.

01:09:03 - Oh, what?

01:09:04 - Little guy's dissing me, man.

01:09:06 - You're the brainiac that invited him in.

01:09:09 Send him away if you don't want him around.

01:09:12 - Hey, give me my plate back, butter butt.

01:09:14 You're out of control.

01:09:16 Jesus.

01:09:17 Where the hell did you come from, dude?

01:09:20 - I live near the old age home.

01:09:22 I like being near things that are about to die.

01:09:26 - Oh, you're the real Christmas spirit kind of guy,

01:09:29 I can tell.

01:09:31 Miss Myers, perhaps we can discuss

01:09:33 your participation in the film?

01:09:38 Are you not, well, you are terribly cold.

01:09:41 - She's always like that.

01:09:43 She's cold.

01:09:45 Cold, evil witch.

01:09:48 Don't take it personally.

01:09:50 - How can you say that?

01:09:51 She is right here.

01:09:52 - You should hear what I say behind her back.

01:09:56 Could you be a dear and get me another drink?

01:10:03 I could tell you things that would make your toes just curl.

01:10:13 If it takes three of you to make one drink,

01:10:15 at least make it a triple.

01:10:17 - This is getting completely out of hand.

01:10:19 - We have got to get your grandmother out of there.

01:10:21 - No shit, Sherlock, all right?

01:10:22 Anybody know how?

01:10:24 - Have you guys forgotten about Sonny

01:10:25 and his gangster friend out there?

01:10:27 - I think we should call the police.

01:10:29 - Okay, yeah, and then Sonny finds out and we die.

01:10:33 - Okay, well, then there's only one thing we can do.

01:10:35 - What?

01:10:36 - We've got to take him out.

01:10:38 - You're kidding.

01:10:39 Look, I'm a vegan, man.

01:10:40 I don't kill animals.

01:10:41 I don't kill my cousin.

01:10:43 - Okay, okay, maybe we don't have to kill him.

01:10:45 Maybe we can tranquilize him.

01:10:47 - Oh, yeah, I'll just go get a tranquilizer gun

01:10:49 at the local convenience store and just--

01:10:50 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, listen.

01:10:52 Maybe I'm way off here,

01:10:53 but your Uncle Teddy's got those pills.

01:10:55 I mean, he's got 101 different side effects going on.

01:10:58 Drowsiness has got to be one of them.

01:11:00 I mean, when has a pill not made you drowsy?

01:11:02 - Hey, I'm telling you right now, hungry hippo,

01:11:06 you take one more piece of my dinner,

01:11:08 I'm gonna have you re-circumcised.

01:11:11 - What?

01:11:12 What?

01:11:13 - Oh, sweet.

01:11:15 That one you earned, brother.

01:11:17 Give me a little sugar.

01:11:19 My wife's a big guy,

01:11:20 so we probably need a lot of pills.

01:11:22 Maybe like 20?

01:11:24 20 knockout moose.

01:11:26 - We better get Uncle Teddy in here.

01:11:29 - Shit, all right?

01:11:30 Stay off.

01:11:32 Looks like a niece emergency.

01:11:39 You just put your stuff on your plate and eat that, okay?

01:11:42 Leave mine alone.

01:11:44 No, wait a minute.

01:11:48 Eat up, hun.

01:11:51 Keep working, you're doing well.

01:11:54 That'll fix you.

01:11:55 And Godspeed, my friend,

01:11:56 if you think you're taking anything off of her plate.

01:12:00 (soft music)

01:12:03 - What's up?

01:12:16 Christmas is no time for long faces.

01:12:19 - We have some bad news.

01:12:21 - Grandma's dead.

01:12:23 - Huh, glad I'm not the only one that noticed.

01:12:27 - You knew?

01:12:28 - Of course I knew.

01:12:29 The woman's blue.

01:12:30 Any bluer, she'd be a smurf.

01:12:32 - Well, we think that Sonny did it

01:12:33 and that Johnny had something to do with it.

01:12:35 - Excellent choice.

01:12:36 Although I was thinking it was probably your mom.

01:12:38 But Sonny's a better pick.

01:12:39 Bigger guy, smart, cooks too well for a good guy.

01:12:43 Bad guys are always good cooks.

01:12:44 Good guys, they have to go buy hot dogs

01:12:46 from street vendors named Vinnie.

01:12:48 Now bad guys, they always have gourmet kitchens

01:12:51 and can make sauce.

01:12:53 - I'm impressed by your ability for deductive reasoning.

01:12:56 I truly find it staggering.

01:12:58 - Yes it is, thank you.

01:13:00 Oh, ha, sarcasm.

01:13:05 Okay, I'm getting it, slowly but surely.

01:13:08 - We need your pills.

01:13:09 - Oh, they work fast, brother, but not that fast.

01:13:12 You're a little height challenged,

01:13:13 if you know what I mean,

01:13:14 and these things can't make you tall.

01:13:16 - I think what he means is that we need your pills

01:13:19 so that we can put Sonny to sleep

01:13:21 so that he stops, you know, killing people.

01:13:23 - Good idea, I like that one.

01:13:25 But why don't we just call the cops

01:13:27 and hide in the closet until they come?

01:13:29 We're all in good shape, most of us.

01:13:32 Worst case scenario, we lose one of the old guys, so what?

01:13:36 Survival of the fittest, you know what I mean?

01:13:38 It's that way for a reason.

01:13:40 - I just think we need to stick to this plan, okay?

01:13:43 - I gotcha.

01:13:44 - We need to give it to both Sonny and Johnny.

01:13:47 - These are expensive pills, why can't we just do Sonny?

01:13:49 - Because maybe they're both in on it.

01:13:52 - Easy, dude, just trying to save a buck, okay?

01:13:55 You don't have to get all huffy.

01:13:57 - All right, so I'll put 'em in the eggnog

01:13:59 and we'll make 'em drink it.

01:14:01 - Come on, man.

01:14:05 All right.

01:14:07 All right.

01:14:08 (sighs)

01:14:11 That's so cool.

01:14:12 Here you go.

01:14:17 I'd crush it first, though.

01:14:19 - Really, are you sure?

01:14:20 Because I thought I would just put 20 inside of a glass

01:14:23 and hopefully they wouldn't notice the lumps.

01:14:25 - Well, you could try it if you want to,

01:14:27 but that wouldn't be my recommendation.

01:14:29 Oh, sarcasm.

01:14:35 I got it now, very good, huh?

01:14:37 The tester, he's got it.

01:14:39 All right.

01:14:40 (upbeat music)

01:14:42 (woman singing)

01:14:51 - Can I help you, dear?

01:14:53 - Nah, maybe you're smart.

01:14:55 I'm gonna go on the other end and drink.

01:14:57 ♪ Left feet all the way

01:14:59 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh

01:15:01 ♪ Ho, ho, ho

01:15:02 - You sure you're okay?

01:15:04 - Absolutely, I'm good.

01:15:06 (groans)

01:15:08 You have amazing posture.

01:15:10 900 years old and straight as a board.

01:15:13 Look at how straight you are.

01:15:15 (thudding)

01:15:17 (laughs)

01:15:19 (thudding)

01:15:21 - Woman down, woman down.

01:15:23 She's falling and she can't get up.

01:15:25 Better call a doctor.

01:15:27 Jack Daniels, I'll get him, I'll get him.

01:15:29 - Miss Myers, are you okay?

01:15:34 - Just get away, okay?

01:15:35 I took first aid.

01:15:37 I know exactly what I'm doing.

01:15:38 It was at the NRA seminar, okay?

01:15:40 Let me handle it.

01:15:41 - Mommy, are you okay, Mommy?

01:15:43 Maybe someone should call a doctor.

01:15:46 That broad's dead, man.

01:15:47 She smells like an old piano, for Christ's sake.

01:15:50 - That's her normal smell.

01:15:51 - Really?

01:15:52 - Yeah, family curse, I'm afraid.

01:15:54 - Well, what's the matter with you freaks, huh?

01:15:56 How come nobody ever thought about

01:15:58 buying her a stick of deodorant?

01:15:59 It's Christmas.

01:16:00 What else could you get that old broad

01:16:02 who maybe got one or two years left to live anyway, huh?

01:16:06 - That's cold.

01:16:07 - Well, she's cold.

01:16:09 (laughs)

01:16:10 - What are we gonna do?

01:16:11 - Well, did you ever see that movie, Pulp Fiction?

01:16:13 - What's that have to do with anything?

01:16:15 - Well, in the movie, there was a hot chick,

01:16:17 and they hit her with a shot of adrenaline

01:16:19 'cause she was dead, and they brought her back to life.

01:16:22 - Yeah, but that girl had a heroin overdose.

01:16:24 - Yeah, that old broad ain't no hot chick.

01:16:26 - Well, she used to be good in her day.

01:16:28 - Yeah, and it worked in the movie.

01:16:30 - But do you even have any?

01:16:32 - Yeah, I get an icebox full of it.

01:16:33 I get old people living here.

01:16:43 - So what, you petunias got issues?

01:16:45 I want you to stay right here

01:16:55 'til I freaking get back, capisce?

01:16:57 Here it is.

01:17:02 - Okay, okay.

01:17:04 What do we do with it?

01:17:05 - I can't remember.

01:17:06 - What do you mean you don't remember?

01:17:07 Didn't you see the freaking movie?

01:17:09 Come on!

01:17:10 - Um, we stab her with a needle.

01:17:12 - Stabbing's good.

01:17:13 - Where?

01:17:14 - In the living room.

01:17:15 What do I know?

01:17:16 - I think it was in the heart.

01:17:17 I'm pretty sure it was in the heart.

01:17:18 - I think it was in the throat.

01:17:19 - Well, which is it?

01:17:20 - Maybe it was in the balls.

01:17:21 - But she's a woman!

01:17:22 - Yeah, that's your opinion.

01:17:23 - Have you checked around?

01:17:24 - Hey, that's my mom!

01:17:26 - Hey, she's still a very sexy lady.

01:17:29 - She looks like my dad, for crying out loud.

01:17:32 I mean, that broad couldn't get screwed

01:17:33 if she was in a prison full of sexual offenders,

01:17:36 if you ask me.

01:17:37 - We need to hurry up!

01:17:38 - Okay, fine.

01:17:39 Just tell me what to do,

01:17:40 because, well, my handbook doesn't say what to do.

01:17:43 It just talks about accidentally shooting Democrats.

01:17:46 - Ah, you're a Republican.

01:17:47 Well, that explains the dumb shit syndrome.

01:17:50 - Yeah, well, just go get the pizza guy

01:17:52 and bring him back in here, huh?

01:17:53 - Yeah, okay.

01:17:54 - Oh, this guy's out cold.

01:18:02 Oh, well.

01:18:03 I told you to bring him in here.

01:18:07 I didn't tell you to kill him.

01:18:08 - Hey, ruin all my fun?

01:18:10 This place looks like a freaking morgue!

01:18:12 - So why the pizza guy?

01:18:13 - Because we need a test case, and he's not family.

01:18:17 - That makes sense.

01:18:18 Okay, so, what do we do?

01:18:20 Chest?

01:18:23 - Short to heart.

01:18:24 - Short to heart.

01:18:25 Well, maybe since it's a test case,

01:18:27 we should go for the throat, no?

01:18:28 - Maybe you should go for the balls.

01:18:31 - Get with the balls.

01:18:32 - Do it quickly.

01:18:33 - Okay.

01:18:34 - Let's rock!

01:18:37 - Higher, you gotta hold it higher.

01:18:39 You gotta break all the rips.

01:18:40 - Gotta break all the rips?

01:18:41 - Yeah, smash 'em, you need to plunge in 'em.

01:18:43 - Hey, the Dave's a freak.

01:18:44 He's been watching too many Spaghetti Westerns,

01:18:46 I can tell you that right now.

01:18:47 Let me do it.

01:18:48 - Out of my way.

01:18:49 This is very intense.

01:18:51 My heart.

01:18:53 - So what happens now?

01:18:55 - He hits him with the needle,

01:18:56 and he runs ape shit all over the room.

01:18:58 - Anyone got an aspirin?

01:19:00 - Okay, this time it's for real.

01:19:04 - Okay.

01:19:05 (screams)

01:19:06 (thud)

01:19:07 - Well, that's kind of disappointing.

01:19:09 - Yeah, it is, isn't it?

01:19:10 - I told you to hit him in the balls.

01:19:12 - Oh, oh.

01:19:13 - Pops?

01:19:16 - Grandpa?

01:19:17 - Oh, my, they're dropping like flies around here.

01:19:20 What is this, the St. Nicholas Day Massacre or what?

01:19:23 - Well, luckily we have enough of this for everyone.

01:19:25 Look me up, I'm going for the testicles.

01:19:27 - I told you, I told you.

01:19:29 This is gonna work, I guarantee it.

01:19:35 (dramatic music)

01:19:37 (screams)

01:19:39 - Stop it!

01:19:40 No, I am not dead, you frigging morons.

01:19:45 Well, I'm an actress, am I not?

01:19:52 Did any of you ever think to take a pulse, you jerks?

01:19:56 Oh, for God's sake, I am dealing

01:19:58 with really creepy people here.

01:20:01 And you, don't you dare touch that man's testicles.

01:20:05 He's got enough strikes against him as it is.

01:20:09 Now, what happened to him?

01:20:13 - He's deader than a doornail.

01:20:15 - Toast.

01:20:16 - What?

01:20:17 Oh, my God.

01:20:20 Well, why isn't anybody doing anything for him?

01:20:23 Clark, Clark, Clark, don't you dare die on me.

01:20:30 - Why don't you give him a little mouth to mouth?

01:20:33 - Why don't you, Sonny?

01:20:35 - He's a stinky old man, you're four feet closer.

01:20:37 Grandma, let me win one argument.

01:20:40 - Fine, but if I get a venereal disease--

01:20:44 - Grandma.

01:20:45 - Okay.

01:20:46 (groans)

01:20:53 He's gone.

01:20:57 (somber music)

01:21:00 I couldn't do a thing for him.

01:21:06 - That's so tragic.

01:21:09 Are you all right?

01:21:13 - Yes.

01:21:14 Yes.

01:21:17 It was his damned heart, his poor wretched heart.

01:21:24 So much caring, so little love.

01:21:27 Oh, poor darling husband.

01:21:31 He was such a great actor.

01:21:36 He was adequate.

01:21:39 Not much range.

01:21:42 Actually, he was damn lucky.

01:21:46 But thank you.

01:21:48 Thank you for noticing what little talent he had.

01:21:53 - Hey.

01:21:54 - I'm not dead.

01:21:55 Oh, his last gasp.

01:22:00 I'm so sorry you had to see that.

01:22:04 - I cannot express my sorrow.

01:22:08 - Oh, but you can.

01:22:11 You can.

01:22:13 - Really?

01:22:14 - In his honor, you can give me that lovely role in your movie.

01:22:21 (groans)

01:22:23 - What do you say, Soren?

01:22:26 Hmm?

01:22:28 One last film to honor my poor, dead,

01:22:32 dying husband.

01:22:35 - Well, maybe he's all right.

01:22:38 - Maybe.

01:22:42 Why, do you want him to be?

01:22:45 - Well, you're both so good, maybe I could use both of you.

01:22:48 - Uh, uh, uh, maybe?

01:22:51 - Oh, definitely, yes.

01:22:53 - Okay.

01:22:55 Come on, Clark, get up.

01:22:57 You're in.

01:22:59 - Yahoo, in what?

01:23:00 - The movie.

01:23:01 - Really?

01:23:03 Roll 'em.

01:23:04 (laughs)

01:23:05 (gasps)

01:23:20 (footsteps)

01:23:22 - What's the matter, honey?

01:23:27 You look like you've seen a ghost.

01:23:30 - What, you were cold.

01:23:32 You were just like a dead person.

01:23:35 - Oh, I was faking it.

01:23:37 Come on, you know all about faking it.

01:23:41 (laughs)

01:23:42 - This is like a really bad vampire movie.

01:23:47 - You're never gonna die, are you?

01:23:49 - No.

01:23:50 No, sweetie, I'm not.

01:23:52 You see, it's one of the advantages of being the anti-Christ.

01:23:57 - Oh.

01:23:58 (laughs)

01:24:00 I suppose this would be a good time to, uh,

01:24:04 apologize.

01:24:06 - Yeah.

01:24:10 Me too.

01:24:16 - And the broccoli up the nose.

01:24:19 - Oh.

01:24:20 Oh, come on, I didn't mind that.

01:24:24 - Oh, good, and the next time I'll just put an eggplant up your hiney.

01:24:28 - Oh, oh, that's smart.

01:24:32 No, I don't think I'd like that.

01:24:35 - Oh, God.

01:24:37 I'm like so glad you're back.

01:24:42 - I'm glad to be back.

01:24:45 - Merry Christmas, Mom.

01:24:47 - Merry Christmas, sunshine.

01:24:50 - Well, this must be one of the signs that the apocalypse is on us.

01:24:56 - All right, I think it's ready.

01:25:02 - Okay, who's gonna give it to him?

01:25:04 - Hey, not me, I'm a pacifist.

01:25:06 - Matt Will.

01:25:07 - What?

01:25:08 How, what do you mean Matt Will?

01:25:09 How do I always get elected?

01:25:10 - Hmm, if you want any more you-know-what,

01:25:14 you're gonna do it.

01:25:15 - Yeah, well, you-know-what isn't all that.

01:25:18 - Ouch, dude, he bangs on in from three.

01:25:22 - Air mat takes off.

01:25:24 - Okay, so this is how you're gonna play it,

01:25:26 big man in front of my family, little man inside the bedroom?

01:25:29 - Oh, in your face, slam.

01:25:32 - Poster shot, dude.

01:25:34 - Well, you know, guys, I think that she's been cheating on me.

01:25:38 Yeah, every time we do it, she's yelling out some other guy's name.

01:25:43 Looks like an air ball to me.

01:25:45 - Crowd goes silent.

01:25:47 - Oh, God.

01:25:51 Oh, God.

01:25:54 Oh, God.

01:25:57 - Hey, have I ever figured out who this oh, God guy is?

01:26:01 - Oh, over the top.

01:26:03 - That's right.

01:26:04 - What a walk out of this one.

01:26:05 - Wama, travels to Lama.

01:26:06 - Very good.

01:26:12 - What is this shit?

01:26:13 - Drink it.

01:26:14 - It looks like slime encrusted pickle juice.

01:26:19 - That.

01:26:20 - And it probably tastes like it too,

01:26:21 but if you want to live through Christmas,

01:26:22 you're gonna drink it and drink it now.

01:26:24 - Man, are they getting bold, huh?

01:26:26 We freaking lost control.

01:26:28 - It's not like any old days.

01:26:30 - Yeah.

01:26:31 - I know what you did.

01:26:32 - What are you talking about?

01:26:33 - To Grandma, we all know.

01:26:35 - I'd do everything for that woman.

01:26:37 - Yeah.

01:26:38 - Oh, no, we know you mafia bastards killed her.

01:26:40 (laughing)

01:26:43 What are you, a freaking nut?

01:26:45 We saw the body, okay?

01:26:46 You two are gonna freaking fry you sons of bitches.

01:26:49 - Yeah.

01:26:50 - How could you?

01:26:51 Excuse me.

01:26:52 How could they what, sweeties?

01:26:55 (laughing)

01:26:57 Oh, what a pity the academy didn't get to see

01:27:00 this fabulous performance I gave.

01:27:03 Oh, man.

01:27:06 - April Fools.

01:27:07 - Yeah, yeah.

01:27:09 We really, we had you guys,

01:27:11 we had you guys going.

01:27:12 - Yeah.

01:27:13 - What?

01:27:14 Was that a joke, man?

01:27:16 Damn, you guys are good, you got me again.

01:27:20 - How could you think I would kill her?

01:27:23 - You are a scary guy, Sonny.

01:27:25 - You're a mobster, I mean.

01:27:26 - I'm a freaking garbage man.

01:27:29 - We're both garbage men and pretty good at it, too.

01:27:32 - Nobody's gonna believe you guys are garbage, man.

01:27:35 Capone here even carries a gun.

01:27:37 - Yeah.

01:27:38 - Look at my face, Jack.

01:27:40 Do I look like a bad guy to you?

01:27:43 - You do look like a bad guy.

01:27:47 Now that I think about it,

01:27:49 you got one screwed up evil vibe.

01:27:52 - Oh, you look like a hit man, Mr. F this and F that.

01:27:55 With your evil staring beady eye,

01:27:57 I'm gonna kill you asshole.

01:27:59 - Oh yeah, I'm a puppy compared to you

01:28:01 and you're freaking talking to me, demeanor.

01:28:04 - Oh, demeanor?

01:28:05 You can use three syllable words now?

01:28:07 - What are you, a nut job?

01:28:08 You want me to shoot you?

01:28:09 - You know what, guys?

01:28:10 You're right, I can't see how we could've

01:28:12 mistaken them for good fellas.

01:28:13 - No?

01:28:14 - Hey, clear up the table so we can open the presents.

01:28:19 - You know, I'm not feeling so good.

01:28:23 - Hey.

01:28:25 Hey, I got some kind of a shimmy

01:28:28 and butt cheek thing happening over here.

01:28:31 Hey, bright eyes, what was in the drink?

01:28:36 - We're gonna go now.

01:28:37 - What was in the freaking drink?

01:28:39 - I have to admit, Mr. Myers,

01:28:45 you really had me going, that heart attack,

01:28:48 the fake memory thing?

01:28:50 - What fake memory thing?

01:28:52 - See, that's excellent, you are so good.

01:28:55 - Oh man, my eyes are cramping.

01:28:59 I can't open my eyes.

01:29:01 I'm blind, Sonny, Sonny, I'm blind.

01:29:04 - Never mind that, I'm going to third ass cheek over here.

01:29:08 - Okay, guys, well done, you're both marvelous.

01:29:11 You're in the movie.

01:29:13 - I knew you would love them.

01:29:16 I represent the whole family.

01:29:19 - Isn't this wonderful?

01:29:21 Everything's finally in place, the whole family together.

01:29:25 Even Clark's here, well, most of him.

01:29:31 - Grant.

01:29:32 - Been a good Christmas, Mom.

01:29:33 - Wonderful, wonderful.

01:29:35 - Usually Christmas makes me quite insane.

01:29:39 - Usually it makes you an asshole.

01:29:42 - Amen, sister.

01:29:44 - Where did you come from?

01:29:45 - From the pits of hell, baby.

01:29:47 Where do you think agents come from?

01:29:50 - Merry Christmas, Grandma.

01:29:54 - Thank you, sugar.

01:29:56 Thank you.

01:29:57 - Merry Christmas, Grandma.

01:29:58 - Love you.

01:30:01 - You're a really great actress.

01:30:03 - Thank you.

01:30:05 Now you take care of my little girl.

01:30:09 - Okay.

01:30:11 - You better?

01:30:25 - Yes, much better, thank you.

01:30:28 - Come on over here.

01:30:31 You're pretty cool for a complete imbecile.

01:30:33 - This is the best Christmas I've ever had.

01:30:35 Where are my presents?

01:30:37 - Nobody ever loved you at Christmas, did they?

01:30:41 - My mother used to feed me hamster pellets

01:30:43 and graham crackers for Christmas dinner.

01:30:45 - Feel like sticking around for a while?

01:30:47 I have some pills I can give you for a present.

01:30:48 Sound cool?

01:30:49 - Really, pills?

01:30:50 Cool.

01:30:51 Hey, I've never gotten anything like that ever.

01:30:54 - Hey, I will share with you, brother.

01:30:57 Life is pretty hot, isn't she?

01:30:59 - Oh, yeah, she's got the absolute creamiest.

01:31:02 There's a new sheriff in town, Halfwit,

01:31:05 and her name is Sally.

01:31:06 - Love you.

01:31:08 - Hello, oldie.

01:31:13 - Hello, Grandpa.

01:31:15 - See, I remember at least one of Harry's kids.

01:31:18 - It's on my name tag right here.

01:31:20 - Nah, you're probably illegitimate.

01:31:23 Welcome to the family, brother.

01:31:27 (upbeat music)

01:31:30 (chattering)

01:31:55 - Merry Christmas, everybody!

01:31:57 (cheering)

01:32:00 (upbeat music)

01:32:03 (chattering)

01:32:06 (upbeat music)

01:32:09 (upbeat music)

01:32:12 (upbeat music)

01:32:15 (smooth jazz)

01:32:20 (smooth jazz)

01:32:25 (smooth jazz)

01:32:30 (smooth jazz)

01:32:35 (upbeat jazz music)

01:32:38 (upbeat jazz music)

01:32:41 (upbeat jazz music)

01:32:44 (upbeat jazz music)

01:32:58 (upbeat jazz music)

01:33:01 (upbeat jazz music)

01:33:08 (upbeat jazz music)

01:33:24 (upbeat jazz music)

01:33:27 (upbeat jazz music)

01:33:37 (upbeat jazz music)

01:33:47 (upbeat jazz music)

01:33:50 (upbeat jazz music)

01:34:00 (upbeat jazz music)

01:34:10 (upbeat jazz music)

01:34:13 (upbeat jazz music)

01:34:22 (upbeat jazz music)

01:34:31 (upbeat jazz music)

01:34:34 (upbeat jazz music)

01:34:37 [Music]

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