Duckman Private Dick Family Man E019 - The Germ Turns
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00:00Sous-titres réalisés para la communauté d'Amara.org
00:30C'est génial, les enfants, de découvrir un ancien cristal de réparation à l'intérieur de notre propre maison !
00:36Zoodaloers ! 11 frères identiques et une horrible bête satanique sont emprisonnés dans sa surface brillante.
00:42Ajax, c'est toi, et il n'y a pas de bête satanique.
00:47Allez les gars, j'ai hâte de l'analyser à la fête de la Nouvelle Époque aujourd'hui ! Prêts ?
00:52Oui !
00:54Maple, le sac de la maladie de l'Ajax !
00:57Encore un peu de capacité.
00:58Maman, le sac de la maladie de l'Ajax !
01:01C'est bon !
01:02D'accord, une dernière chose assez insignifiante.
01:05BATMAN !
01:09Je suppose que vous n'avez pas entendu parler du président Tang de l'équipe de Peace.
01:13Regarde, Bernice, j'ai de meilleures choses à faire que de passer mon temps à des fêtes de la Nouvelle Époque avec un groupe de fous de cirque !
01:18Si vous préférez, Dod, nous pouvons marcher quelques pas en arrière de vous.
01:21Pas toi, fils, je parle de l'autre groupe de fous de cirque.
01:23Ah !
01:25Cette Nouvelle Époque, c'est juste un groupe de fous de chant, de respiration d'incense, d'herbes, de yahoo...
01:31C'est bon, Connie, Mori ne sera pas chez nous pendant des heures.
01:34Pour votre information, les Nouvelles Époques sont parmi les plus braves pour explorer les états de l'esprit alternatif et découvrir les vies précédentes.
01:40Cela, par exemple, pourrait appartenir au roi des guerriers, Ramtha,
01:43qui a régéré l'Atlantique quand je, sa reine, me suis assis à ses pieds,
01:47en regardant son torso doux et brisé,
01:49pendant qu'il a poussé son équipe dans l'air.
01:54Je n'ai pas été si nerveux depuis la dernière scène du nude de Harvey Keitel !
01:58Tiens !
02:00Je dis toujours que si tu lèves quelque chose et que rien ne se passe, c'est inutile.
02:04Charles, Mandingo.
02:05Mambo.
02:06Peu importe. Je ne peux pas croire que tu achètes ce cow-plop cosmique.
02:09En fait, nous sommes deux.
02:12D'un côté, nous nous sommes éloignés de notre biais scientifique.
02:14De l'autre côté, même nous ne pouvons pas expliquer les miracles
02:17que nous avons rencontrés depuis trois heures.
02:20Comme ce bâtiment qui brûle mais ne se consomme pas.
02:23J'aurais dû m'arrêter avec ma cigarette.
02:25Il y a un film sur USA Tonight qui n'a pas le mot « tueur » dans le titre.
02:29Ça se passe deux fois par an.
02:30Qu'est-ce qu'ont fait tous les nouveaux amis de Gekko
02:32après qu'on a emporté le cristal vers le cimetière des animaux ?
02:37Duckman, c'est l'heure de prendre un intérêt dans l'intérêt de vos enfants.
02:40En plus, j'ai besoin de quelqu'un pour nettoyer après Ajax s'il vomit sur l'escalier.
02:43Ça ne serait pas si mal s'ils avaient un d'eux non électriques.
02:47Tu veux dire un casque ?
02:49On dirait qu'ils ont des noms pour tout maintenant.
02:52La zone blanche est pour le channeling et le non-channeling d'étoiles Aztecs uniquement.
03:02Combien, Moonbeam ?
03:04Nous croyons que les quantifications inflexibles sont démeurantes contre l'esprit humain.
03:09L'amour de votre donation est déterminée selon votre aura.
03:14Je n'ai pas d'aura comme ça. J'étais en hurleur ce matin, j'ai peut-être oublié la genitalia.
03:18Votre aura est la réflexion mystique de votre âme, d'accord ?
03:21L'essence de ce qui est à l'intérieur de vous.
03:29D'accord, c'est libre !
03:31Les gars, pourquoi ne pas sortir et chercher le cristal analysé ?
03:33On se rencontre là-bas à la pyramide de méditation TUT-2000.
03:37Regarde, grand-mère, les secrets de la beauté des anciens Égyptiens !
03:41Je me demande s'ils ont quelque chose qui peut améliorer mon niveau de TUT-2000.
03:45Oh, c'est rafraîchissant !
03:46Oh, quel sens magnifique ! Il faut en avoir un !
03:54Je me demande où un oiseau peut trouver un chien ici.
03:57Je vais avoir les tuiles secrètes et la mousse de saumon sur un bun de sésame.
04:01Je ne mange que des aliments macro-biologiques.
04:03C'est pourquoi, même si j'ai 108 ans, j'ai toujours l'attitude de chanteur de haute école.
04:07Pizza chaude !
04:15Alléluia !
04:24Je vous en prie, grand-mère.
04:25J'ai travaillé de nombreuses journées au-delà de l'eau chaude et des dégâts de saumon salé,
04:28pour entendre une petite syllabe de votre sagesse.
04:30Et alors, grand-mère, comment allez-vous ?
04:31Prends le tout. J'ai une annonce qui ressemble à une boutique de l'Université de Moscou
04:34lors d'une vente de papier toilette.
04:36Mort Seidlman.
04:37Tu es un sport, Mort.
04:38Nom est Duckman.
04:40Tu n'as pas l'air d'être en train de pêcher dans le même flux de conscience
04:43que les autres bouleversiers.
04:44Eh, que sais-je de l'Enlighten ?
04:46J'ai signé une tenue de 20 ans sur cette boutique et ils ont relocalisé l'autobus à Boise.
04:50Ah, quoi ?
04:51Avec Reincarnation, je pense que je vais avoir beaucoup de clients répétitifs.
04:57Reincarnation.
04:58Reincarnation. Ils reviennent.
05:01Je lise toujours le manuel d'instructions, mais il me semble qu'il n'y a personne qui meurt.
05:05Ouais ?
05:06Je te l'avais dit, j'ai emprisonné ma mère.
05:07Jusqu'à la rue, c'est Placeras.
05:08En ce qui me concerne, elle est toujours en train de pêcher.
05:10Je ne le douterais pas.
05:11J'ai dit à ces bourreaux de vérifier la pulse.
05:13Tu sais, tu leur dis qu'il y a une casquette de styrofoam
05:14et un tigeur qui fait du maquillage.
05:15Ils pensent qu'ils peuvent couper les coins.
05:16Non. Ce qu'il dit, c'est qu'elle a été réincarnée.
05:19Elle est retournée à la Terre dans un autre corps.
05:21On pourrait même pouvoir parler à elle.
05:24C'est la première machine électronique.
05:26Allons l'allumer et voir ce qui se passe.
05:28Tu as une photo de ton amie ?
05:29Oui, mais c'est tout en plastique.
05:31Oh, maman !
05:36Yin yang, yang yin.
05:38Bring forth the broad with the double chin.
05:41It says here she might come back as a whole other life form.
05:44Hope you've got some way to recognize her.
05:47What the hell are you staring at ?
05:53Mami, it's really you ! You're alive !
05:56But you look different somehow.
05:57What is it ? You lost weight ?
05:58Changed your hair ? Trimmed your eyebrows ?
05:59I'm a highly infectious germ.
06:01That's it. Wow.
06:02I can't believe you're really here.
06:03I thought it was some kind of trick.
06:04Like the time you told me my bath was ready,
06:05then I had the whole bridge club
06:06waiting behind the door with cameras.
06:07Oh, we could reminisce all day.
06:08Tell me how you've been.
06:09Couch me up.
06:10We have so much to talk about.
06:12Oh, I'm teasing.
06:14I know exactly who you are.
06:16Wait, don't tell me.
06:17You were always around my house.
06:19I remember...
06:20Dust Mob.
06:21Duckman.
06:22Whatever.
06:23When you don't spend a lot of time at home,
06:24names of things tend to run together.
06:26What happened, mom ?
06:27I mean, why are you, uh...
06:28You know, uh...
06:29Disease-wielding parasite.
06:31Karma.
06:32Which is not to say...
06:33that I'm not a parasite.
06:34I'm a parasite.
06:35I'm a parasite.
06:36I'm a parasite.
06:37I'm a parasite.
06:38I'm a parasite.
06:39I'm a parasite.
06:40Which is not to say...
06:41I don't like being a germ.
06:43I still go to all the best parties.
06:45The only difference is...
06:46now I'm there to make people violently ill.
06:49I don't understand why this happened.
06:50You were a good person.
06:51What about all the things you did for me ?
06:53Well, I remember them as clearly
06:54as if I were having a flashback.
06:58I'm home, mom.
06:59Is that you, Dishrag ?
07:00Duckman.
07:01Whatever.
07:02Isn't there something you're usually doing
07:03around this time of day ?
07:04I go to school, mom.
07:05But I couldn't stay there.
07:06They're mean to me.
07:07They threw basketballs at me in gym class,
07:08pianos in music class,
07:09battery acid in shop.
07:10When did the school get a piano ?
07:12Everyone hates me.
07:13I get beat up and made fun of every day.
07:15But you haven't lost your favorite earrings
07:17on the afternoon of the spring soiree,
07:19have you ?
07:21Well, I'm off to the embassy.
07:23I'm fairly certain I called the babysitter.
07:25The party lasts through the weekend.
07:26Then I'll just be taking
07:27an eensy-weensy trip around the world.
07:29Ciao.
07:32So you periodically abandoned me,
07:34skipped my graduation and wedding,
07:35missed the births of all your grandchildren
07:37and couldn't postpone the Lombada cruise
07:38when I got hit by that bus
07:39and hovered on the brink of death
07:40for three months.
07:41I never blamed you.
07:42It isn't easy raising a child
07:43while you're ambassador to Luxembourg.
07:44Oh, I forgot to tell you.
07:45That was a lie.
07:46I spent a lot of time at the embassy,
07:48but it was because they liked
07:49having me at their parties.
07:50I was, you know, fun.
07:52Anyway, the cosmic poobah decided
07:54I should be punished, and here I am.
07:56Ooh, my massage.
07:58You'd think becoming an invertebrate
07:59would have helped my lower back.
08:01Oh, well.
08:02Good seeing you again, dartboard.
08:03Duckman.
08:04Whatever.
08:05Toodle-oo !
08:06That was her.
08:07That was my mom.
08:08The woman who used to nurse me
08:09and rock me to sleep.
08:11Well, once.
08:12It isn't fair.
08:13She deserves better than that.
08:14Not according to the manual.
08:15It's very clear about getting demoted
08:17if you neglect your kids.
08:19Wait a minute.
08:20I do that.
08:21That means I could end up that way.
08:22But worse.
08:23What's lower than germ ?
08:24Slug, maggot, Latoya.
08:26You're young enough, though.
08:27You've still got time
08:28to rack up a few points
08:29on the old cosmic scoreboard.
08:31Well, at least I can try.
08:32I mean, I am young.
08:33I do have time to change.
08:34It's not like I'm going to die
08:35in the next five seconds.
08:37I'm sorry.
08:38Yesterday's analysis
08:39proved inconclusive.
08:40Us too.
08:41Apparently, it's either
08:42a mystic talisman
08:43offering a gateway
08:44to alternate realities.
08:45Or debris from a failed
08:461970s amusement park
08:48called Liberace Land.
08:49Oh, well.
08:50Who wants liver and whey muffins ?
08:52My colon votes a hearty yes.
08:58Rise and shine,
08:59all our progeny of mine.
09:00Belly up to the breakfast bar,
09:01courtesy of your ever-loving dad.
09:03Turkey breakfast.
09:05And I highly recommend
09:06the fudge ripple churros,
09:0798.5% pure saturated fat.
09:09Whoa.
09:10It's a festival
09:11of partially hydrogenated
09:12potassium lactate.
09:14I have no idea how I know that.
09:18Plus, I got you video games,
09:19pogs, sizzling CDs
09:20by some of today's hottest
09:21and most sociopathic rap stars.
09:23And to top it off,
09:24rare rookie season baseball cards
09:25featuring each of your favorite players.
09:27Why don't I picture
09:28an eight-year-old card collector
09:29tied up in a closet
09:30saying,
09:31Why don't I picture
09:32an eight-year-old card collector
09:33tied up in a closet
09:34somewhere ?
09:35Bernice, please.
09:36Can't a father dote on his children
09:37without raising a few
09:38overly penciled eyebrows ?
09:39Just knowing my love
09:40is recognized by them
09:41and any all-powerful being
09:43who happens to be looking in
09:44makes my heart burst with pride.
09:46If they eat that binge bilge,
09:48their hearts will burst
09:49with thrombosis.
09:50Just so they die happy.
09:52The fact is,
09:53from now on,
09:54I'm committed to devoting
09:55all my time and effort
09:56to my children.
09:57Doing everything I can
09:58to give them the kind of parenting
09:59every child deserves.
10:01Hey, Dad.
10:02Are there any more
10:03of these tequila truffles ?
10:08Back, you animals !
10:09I don't want to have to tell you again.
10:11I've got hollow points !
10:16Dad ?
10:18Miss Pudnucket,
10:19a word, if you please ?
10:20Okay.
10:21How about
10:22available ?
10:25That's very funny.
10:26It's not so funny
10:27as this wildlife photography
10:28of a certain firm
10:29but pliant schoolmistress
10:30feeding the hay
10:31with a more than willing
10:32Mr. Cow,
10:33if you get my drift.
10:34Now, if you'll guarantee,
10:35Charles and Simba...
10:36Mambo !
10:37Whatever.
10:38A big juicy A in your class.
10:39I'll make sure
10:40these bossy glossies
10:41don't make it into
10:42the dairy deviates column
10:43in your high school paper.
10:44Mr. Duckman,
10:45these photographs are fakes.
10:46Fakes ?
10:47Are you questioning
10:48my integrity as a blackmailer ?
10:49Well, yes.
10:50First off,
10:51my cow's bigger.
10:52Second,
10:53a photo of my head
10:54has been crudely pasted
10:55over someone else's body.
10:58My wife's been dead
10:59for a long time now.
11:00And look,
11:01man the battle axe.
11:02Either Charles and Mambo
11:03get an A
11:04or I hurt you.
11:05Oh, I have a better idea.
11:06I give them an A
11:07and you hurt me.
11:11Oh, dear.
11:12I can't keep up this ruse.
11:13The truth is,
11:14Charles and Mambo
11:15already get A's.
11:17I'm just angling
11:18for a little booty boogaloo.
11:22You already get A's ?
11:23Ah, never mind.
11:24Oh, boys,
11:25don't forget,
11:26after school,
11:27I'm taking you to the mall
11:28to see a hemorrhoid doctor
11:29for that bleaching
11:30you've needed for so long.
11:31If you're good,
11:32you'll get lollies.
11:34Mr. Duckman,
11:35I'll just hold on to the picture
11:37until tonight,
11:38say seven-ish,
11:39by the barn.
11:40I'll bring my milking machine.
11:49Hop up the bench, Ajax.
11:51No son of mine
11:52is gonna get seat splinters.
11:53Oh, coach,
11:54a word.
11:55Here's a 50.
11:56Nod like I'm browbeating you
11:58Raw talent like his
11:59can't go unpeeled.
12:00I demand
12:01that you put Ajax,
12:02or as we call them
12:03around the house,
12:04Bronco,
12:05into this game at once.
12:07The show must go on, son.
12:08I know they're bigger
12:09and stronger
12:10and better than you,
12:11but you've got something
12:12more important on your side.
12:13Weapons ?
12:14Psychology.
12:15We'll throw them off their game.
12:17I agree with you, Ajax.
12:18Those other players
12:19are a bunch of
12:20brainless knuckle-dragging
12:21bohunks who get overexcited
12:22about showering together
12:23because they were
12:24emotionally shattered
12:25when they found out
12:26that Ajax wasn't
12:27as good as they thought.
12:28Well put, son.
12:34The good news is,
12:35thanks to certain
12:36non-FDA-approved medications,
12:38I'll be all better tomorrow.
12:40The bad news is,
12:41that's when the football team
12:42told me they're coming by
12:43to beat me up again.
12:44Dad got the glee club
12:45to perform a tribute to us.
12:47Then he bribed the other kids
12:48to elect us homecoming king.
12:50And queen.
12:51It's humiliating.
12:53Hello, beloved brood.
12:54Grab a mitt and wheel
12:55to play ball.
12:56Have you flipped your flap?
12:58It's pitch black outside.
13:00Me no,
13:01mon petit Hagola.
13:03What do you think, kids?
13:05We're gonna play baseball
13:06every night, all night,
13:07for the rest of our lives.
13:10Hit some football
13:11until I get back.
13:18Another 24 straight hours
13:19of being together, boys,
13:20because no dad of yours
13:21is gonna end up
13:22in some med student's petri dish.
13:23Not that that has anything to do
13:24with this maniacal campaign
13:25to have you worshipped like gods.
13:26What the hell are you...
13:28I mean,
13:29what is it I can do for you
13:30two soft and cuddly delights?
13:32Well, we heard
13:34you've been loving and attending
13:35with your sons,
13:36and we knew there was only
13:37one possible explanation.
13:39You're on drugs.
13:41What?
13:42Mr. Duckman,
13:43we feel it's our civic duty
13:44to administer a urine test.
13:47Are you crazy?
13:48I don't whiz on anything.
13:49I can't sit on a swimming.
13:50Wait, on second thought,
13:51maybe you're right.
13:55Ah!
14:00Lean as a whistle.
14:01So, let's go see Corny.
14:02And remember,
14:03I haven't been in for a week.
14:04Don't be surprised
14:05if it's as quiet as a party
14:06after you get everyone
14:07to de-pants your date
14:08and she turns out
14:09to be a transvestite.
14:11What?
14:12It's a metaphor.
14:13I'll have your case solved by six.
14:15Herr Kleiner,
14:16desmach deine Nonfrieden
14:17und Fenster by seven.
14:18Ah!
14:19By eight.
14:20What?
14:21I already found
14:22your father-in-law.
14:23I'll have your case solved
14:24by nine.
14:25Go on home.
14:26You gotta do it sometime.
14:32Oh, uh, hi.
14:34Completely coincidental
14:35with your absence from the office,
14:36there was a mysterious
14:37upsurge in activity.
14:38Probably sunspots.
14:39What's important now
14:40is I'm bonding
14:41with my boys, Corny.
14:42I gotta minked in for 18 hours
14:43of quality time a day
14:44and I think it's safe to say
14:45things are pretty hunky-dory
14:46at Casa Duckman.
14:48Kids and their cute
14:49little death games.
14:51I know nothing
14:52about your situation
14:53being shamefully underused
14:54in this week's
14:55wacky adventure,
14:56but you might want to
14:57rethink what you're doing.
14:58Insincere attempts
14:59to win a child's affection
15:00can cause his self-esteem
15:01to plummet
15:02until he drops out of school,
15:03has his vocal cords
15:04loosened to affect
15:05a deeper voice,
15:06then ends up being
15:07the only pig cage dancer
15:08in a waterfront leather bar.
15:09Or so I'm told.
15:10Je t'accuse, Duckman!
15:11This morning,
15:12a hurricane destroyed
15:13our whole block.
15:14Luckily,
15:15they've rebuilt
15:16all the houses
15:17exactly as they were before.
15:18But the wind opened
15:19all your mail
15:20and I found this bill
15:21and I'm trying to tell me
15:22it wasn't her.
15:23That image had her voice,
15:24her laugh,
15:25her amorphous blue shape.
15:26I'm telling you,
15:27I talked to her
15:28and I'd prove it
15:29if I could find the guy
15:30who did it.
15:31But the fair's over,
15:32I have no idea
15:33where he is.
15:34Mort Seidelman,
15:35126 Elm Street.
15:36New Age Yellow Pages.
15:37Look, Mort,
15:38you got two minutes
15:39to cough up his flimball
15:40of a mother
15:41or I'm turning you
15:42into the Consumer Affairs
15:43Division
15:44of the Department
15:45of Touchy-Feely
15:46Fake Religions.
15:47All right, all right,
15:48come with me.
15:49Wonder how many times
15:50I've seen that.
15:51So, you got the photo?
15:57Fly in the cosmic ointment,
15:59Swami Mort?
16:00It's probably just
16:01a loose wire.
16:02The only thing loose
16:03around here
16:04is the screw in your head.
16:05Oh, yeah?
16:06What about that hunk of flesh
16:07around your midsection?
16:11Help!
16:20Help!
16:51That's why I ended up
16:52like this.
16:53I was too wrapped up
16:54in my own life
16:55to make any time for you.
16:57You remember
16:58all those uncles
16:59who used to stay overnight
17:00and make all those
17:01screaming noises
17:02I told you was
17:03just them cheering
17:04for their favorite
17:05baseball team on TV?
17:06Well,
17:07they weren't really
17:08your uncles
17:09and there's no such team
17:10as the doomy babies.
17:12Look,
17:13I always liked men.
17:14I like sex.
17:15I hope that doesn't
17:16embarrass you.
17:17I think liking sex
17:18is a healthy thing.
17:19Some would say
17:20if you're a microorganism,
17:21we multiply like crazy.
17:23Unfortunately,
17:24we have to do it
17:25with ourselves.
17:26Anyway,
17:27the truth is
17:28after your father died,
17:29I was lonely.
17:30I missed him.
17:31Talking to him.
17:32Touching him.
17:34So I found replacements.
17:36I went to parties.
17:37I met other men.
17:38I didn't realize
17:39until it was too late
17:40that I took away your mother.
17:43I messed up.
17:45I just hope in time
17:46you can find a way
17:47to forgive me.
17:49Ah!
18:19Hey,
18:20do you have a picture?
18:21I mean,
18:22they are my grandchildren.
18:23I should have a picture.
18:25Oh,
18:26they're beautiful.
18:30Oh,
18:31it's what we do.
18:33Mom,
18:34I love you.
18:35I love you too,
18:36Duck Man.
18:40Wait!
18:41Not yet!
18:43Mom!
18:44I saw her!
18:45Did you see her?
18:46I saw my mother again.
18:47At first,
18:48she said she loved me
18:49and she ate a picture
18:50and she's happy
18:51and I'm happy too.
18:55Told you,
18:56100% legit.
18:57More likely,
18:58Duck Man received a blow
18:59on the anterior lobe
19:00of his cerebral cortex
19:01producing a dream state
19:02into which he projected
19:03guilts, fantasies and desires
19:04allowing him to see
19:05what he wanted to see.
19:06Blather on,
19:07Sigmund Hogg.
19:08All I know is
19:09my mom's okay
19:10and she told me she loves me.
19:11Could it perhaps be
19:12another crystal-induced miracle?
19:14That's right!
19:15Maybe the crystal
19:16helped Dad feel better
19:17because Mom,
19:18maybe it is a healing crystal!
19:19Kids,
19:20it's time to change
19:21and this time
19:22for all the right reasons.
19:23From now on,
19:24I am the sun
19:25and you are the planets
19:26I warm and nourish.
19:27There's only so many moments
19:28we'll have together
19:29and I say we make
19:30the most of them.
19:31You wanna go to the park
19:32together?
19:33Sure.
19:34Yeah.
19:35That'd be great, Dad.
19:36I'll go clean the crumbs
19:37off the backseat
19:38of the car first
19:39because that way
19:40your ride
19:41will be more comfortable.
19:45I'm not sure
19:46I can live like this.
19:47First chance we get,
19:48let's hit him
19:49with a sack of doorknobs.
19:50Or a tire iron.
19:51Yeah.
19:52Or maybe a crowbar.
19:53Good idea.
20:16Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada