Stefan Molyneux
Stefan Molyneux
  • 9 months ago
I will never forgive you all for urging me to watch this hot mess of celluloid...

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Transcript
00:00 Well, I guess this is one of the few times we're talking about the movie right afterwards.
00:06 Yes.
00:07 The movie was called...
00:08 Madam Web.
00:09 Madam Web.
00:10 Now, you know what was interesting?
00:12 Is that there's actually a...
00:13 I think I got a spider theme.
00:15 Sometimes they're kind of subtle.
00:16 Really?
00:17 But I did get a spider theme.
00:18 Oh my gosh.
00:19 Oh.
00:20 And first thoughts, first...
00:21 Now, we knew that this was going to be kind of rough going.
00:25 It had a 14%...
00:27 Approval rating or something.
00:28 All right.
00:29 So, the actress, Dakota Johnson, I think...
00:33 So she was...
00:34 Yeah, she's...
00:35 Okay.
00:36 So I thought, okay, she's just kind of emotionally dead at the beginning, but I'm sure there's
00:39 going to be a story arc where she ends up emotionally lively.
00:42 It seemed like she...
00:43 And then, you know, looking at the end, it seemed like she had more emotion than she
00:46 did in the beginning.
00:47 Well, yes, a little bit, but I guess because she warmed up, right?
00:50 So she's distant, she's numb, she's inaccessible, she's cynical.
00:58 And then she just gets even more so at the end.
01:00 And it was just...
01:01 I guess her qualities just increased, but there were no qualities.
01:03 Oh my gosh.
01:04 It didn't make any sense.
01:05 It was so bad.
01:06 Okay.
01:07 So I made the case, just as we were getting to the car, that there is a good story buried
01:11 in it.
01:12 Now, the good story that's buried in it is something like this.
01:15 So this girl, the main girl, Cassie?
01:20 Yeah, Cassie.
01:21 Okay.
01:22 So Cassie, her mother dies.
01:25 She doesn't really know what happened, except she thought that her mother was some idiot
01:29 scientist who was in the Amazon studying spiders for no reason, vanity, selfishness, or whatever.
01:36 So she resents her mother.
01:38 She's angry at her mother.
01:39 She goes...
01:40 Sorry, there's spoilers in the movie.
01:41 Yeah, no kidding.
01:42 Spoilers in there.
01:43 So she goes through this journey, and through this journey, she finds out that her mother
01:48 was not selfish, that her mother was trying to find a spider venom to cure her of some
01:52 disease, which ended up curing her.
01:55 So her mother was trying to save her.
01:57 Now, once she lets go of all this resentment and anger against her mother, she breaks down
02:01 her emotional barriers and is able to finally connect with people and have friends, and
02:07 basically they're substitute children, right?
02:10 Once she stops resenting her own mother, she can become a mother herself, which is why
02:15 the blonde woman has the baby, and it's basically letting go of resentment against your mother
02:19 so that you can be a mother yourself.
02:21 Now that's...
02:22 It's not the worst story in the known universe.
02:24 You have some facial expressions that say you don't totally agree.
02:28 I don't think that's the actual story.
02:30 I hate to say it, but I think you're picking at straws.
02:32 No, no.
02:33 I'm just saying that there was that story buried somewhere in there against the writer's
02:37 best wishes.
02:38 Right.
02:39 Yeah, probably.
02:40 I'm not saying it's conscious, but she did let go of the resentment against her mother,
02:43 and then she was able to bond with these girls, right?
02:45 Yeah.
02:46 Her younger self becoming a mother or whatever, right?
02:49 Yeah.
02:50 So...
02:51 But I mean, other than that...
02:54 Okay, other than that.
02:55 Okay, speaking about the movie itself and not even the story, this had to be the worst
03:00 camera job I've ever seen in my life.
03:04 What do you mean?
03:05 What were these cameramen doing?
03:06 Y'all were...
03:07 They must have been on so many drugs when they were filming this.
03:10 Go on.
03:11 There was not a single scene that I wasn't trying to tilt my head to re-center it.
03:15 No, but they were trying to get you the spanned spider angle, because you climbed on walls
03:18 and was upside down a lot.
03:20 But it was so bad.
03:21 It was like, you know, I have an issue with modern films and the cameras being a bit too
03:26 smooth sometimes.
03:27 Yes.
03:28 But this one was like smooth, but really shaky at the same time.
03:33 And whatever they need to do, they need to stop.
03:36 Right.
03:37 Yeah, camera angles are kind of weird.
03:38 Every single...
03:39 Like, I didn't...
03:40 A lot of times during the action scenes, I'm able to follow what's going on.
03:43 This one, it was like the cameras were so badly done, in my opinion.
03:48 I just...
03:49 I kind of just closed my eyes and sat there until the noise was over, because I couldn't
03:51 watch anything.
03:52 And it was just...
03:53 I kept trying to tilt my head and figure out what was going on.
03:55 Oh, the noises.
03:56 I mean, so I can't watch a movie now without cotton in my ear.
04:00 Yeah, I had my earbuds in.
04:01 Because it is so...
04:02 Yeah, you had your earbuds in?
04:03 It's so loud.
04:04 Yeah.
04:05 And does the sound...
04:06 It feels like an assault, because I could feel the sound.
04:09 We watched it foolishly in IMAX, but the sound is always bad.
04:12 So you feel it.
04:14 It's like somebody's punching me in the chest.
04:16 The volume nowadays in places is just crazy.
04:19 Yeah, this is like hearing damage stuff, in my view.
04:21 And it's actually...
04:23 It annoys me.
04:24 It feels like somebody's just jumpscaring me by punching me in the chest.
04:28 It feels like an assault.
04:29 It actually really annoys me.
04:30 Yeah, and they really tried to get you with the jump scares by doing the loud audio.
04:33 Yes.
04:34 Yeah, so that was pretty bad.
04:35 I'm going to be honest.
04:36 I don't think this movie got a single facial expression out of me.
04:39 Well, I think that mirrored the complete lack of facial expression on part of the actress.
04:44 Yeah.
04:45 Like, you know, she got stabbed.
04:46 I sat there.
04:47 She laughed.
04:48 I sat there.
04:49 They made food.
04:50 I sat there.
04:51 Like, it didn't do anything.
04:52 And the actors, what always bothers me is, well, first of all, they say, "Listen, don't
04:56 do anything stupid."
04:57 Right?
04:58 And she leaves them in the woods.
04:59 We don't have to care about the story.
05:00 She leaves a bunch of teenage girls in the woods.
05:04 And she says, "Don't do anything stupid."
05:06 And they're like, "Yeah, we're just staying in the woods."
05:09 And then they get snacky.
05:12 And then she says, "Oh, there's a shortcut.
05:15 We're going to shortcut through the woods to a place."
05:19 It's obviously far away because they leave in the afternoon and they don't arrive till
05:22 nighttime.
05:24 And the idea that they just find the place.
05:26 They emerge from the woods right where this diner is.
05:29 Yeah.
05:30 Terrible.
05:31 These are city girls.
05:32 They don't know anything about the country.
05:33 They don't know anything about the woods.
05:34 And you're trying to blunder around in the woods.
05:36 And like, how does she know what the heck the shortcut is?
05:38 She has no idea.
05:40 And they're blundering around in the woods in the dark.
05:41 No flashlights, no cell phones, because they had to get rid of those.
05:44 And they left the fire going.
05:45 And they left the fire going in the woods.
05:47 So that was just ridiculous and annoying.
05:51 And then the other girl, Cassie, comes out, pops out right where the diner is.
05:56 And then, now listen, I'm not a teenage girl.
05:59 I am.
06:00 And let me ask you this.
06:02 So if there are teenage girls around and they think that the boys are cute or they want
06:09 to talk to the boys, how long is it before they are exposing their bellies and dancing
06:15 on the tabletop for the amusement of the boys?
06:18 Within two to three seconds.
06:19 No, does this ever happen?
06:22 Do these people, have they never met a teenage girl?
06:24 Oh my gosh.
06:25 So I don't know.
06:27 In my group, when the girls like some guy or think he's cute or hot or whatever, usually
06:33 they kind of cast a lot of glances at him and smile.
06:36 And then we'll all like congregate.
06:37 Maybe a hair flip or two.
06:38 Yeah, we'll like basically all congregate.
06:41 You know in sports when the guys all like put their arms around each other?
06:44 Yeah, yeah, yeah, huddle.
06:45 Yeah, we basically all huddle and we try and talk about which one looks the most attractive
06:49 and then we try and figure out how to approach.
06:51 But do you hike up your top to show your belly button and then jump up on the table and all
06:56 dance like you're a bunch of-
06:57 To be fair, I'm not friends with a bunch of weird losers like these girls.
07:00 So I don't think, I mean it depends.
07:02 You know, their social class is absolutely in the negatives right now.
07:06 I'm not friends with girls like that.
07:07 So I highly doubt-
07:08 But can you imagine any of the girls you've ever met or not been friends with, I've never
07:12 seen ever.
07:13 I mean, we go to diners, we go to restaurants.
07:15 Have we ever seen teenage girls dancing on the tabletops?
07:18 No, no, that's not what we call it.
07:20 Oh my god, it's so unreal.
07:22 It's so, hey I bet you wanna, you know I wonder if a bunch of guys wrote this and get teenage
07:26 girls dancing on tabletops.
07:28 It's gross, it's creepy, that scene disturbed me more than I can possibly tell you.
07:32 Yeah.
07:33 It's just weird.
07:34 Oh gosh, the fireworks.
07:39 What was that, about four hours of fireworks at the end?
07:41 Oh my gosh.
07:42 I thought they were flares, I didn't think they were fireworks.
07:45 So if you remember, this was the building at the very beginning.
07:47 I lost track of this completely.
07:49 So the building at the very beginning, where her supervisor ended up getting in the car
07:54 and going off and getting hit in the ambulance.
07:58 So at the very beginning they said, "Oh, there's a bunch of fireworks in here, it's all a bunch
08:01 of explosives, it's super dangerous."
08:04 And I don't know why that place was still intact at the end, because if it half burnt
08:08 down at the beginning of the movie, oh, quick question, if there's a bunch of absolutely
08:13 deadly fireworks, fireworks so powerful that despite the fact that I've been to probably
08:18 a hundred fireworks exhibits in my life, I've never ever seen fireworks that can literally
08:24 punch through brick walls.
08:25 Yeah, like what the heck was that?
08:27 So okay, so let's say there are basically, these are weapons that can-
08:30 These are bombs.
08:31 Yeah, these are giant bombs, and apparently what you do after you find a warehouse full
08:35 of giant bombs is you leave it completely unattended, unguarded, unlocked, and anyone
08:42 can just wander in and set them all off and apparently they destroy half the city.
08:47 And that's the logic of the world that they live in.
08:49 I mean, yeah, obviously.
08:51 Oh man.
08:52 And then, does she fight the guy?
08:54 No.
08:55 Oh, and because it's a spi-der, sp- where am I going with this?
08:59 A se-pa-ider movie, what are the letters that destroy the guy?
09:04 An S and a pa, se-pa, sp-der, sp-der.
09:09 I mean, that's literally how bad it was.
09:11 Oh my gosh, I looked, okay, so here's another thing.
09:13 So I looked at that guy at the very beginning and I'm like, man, he looks like an Ezekiel,
09:18 and guess what his name is?
09:19 Ezekiel?
09:20 And you-
09:21 He looks like it!
09:22 You look at him and you just think Ezekiel, and then his name was Ezekiel, I just found
09:25 that so funny.
09:27 It's actually quite a famous comedian named Sarah Silverman who played the woman, her
09:30 whole, her in an action movie, she's like, oh, I'm finally going to be in an action movie
09:34 as a comedian, I bet you I'm going to have cool stunts.
09:37 What's her entire movie?
09:38 Sitting in a chair looking at screens, like us.
09:40 Yeah, she looks like Lae'zel from Baldur's Gate.
09:42 I actually did kind of see that, she does not have the most, uh, uh, inspiring facial
09:48 structure.
09:49 Everything except, here's the thing, so, Lae'zel from Baldur's Gate, very narrow jaw, right?
09:53 It's very long.
09:54 Kind of almond looking face, right?
09:55 Kind of almond shaped, right?
09:56 And she has those very bony, like, cheekbones and very intense eyes.
10:00 And the only thing that she doesn't have that Lae'zel has is a small nose.
10:03 That's all I'm saying.
10:04 No hate to the actress, you know, I think Lae'zel's a cool character, I love Lae'zel,
10:07 but like, you know, maybe-
10:09 It's literally the most sitting action movie person I've ever seen.
10:12 She sits the whole movie and she has no emotion in the whole movie.
10:16 Yeah.
10:17 Also, also, did you know, this is actually kind of neat, physics is fascinating.
10:21 So you have fireworks that can destroy a building, punch through, like, 12 inch thick brick walls
10:29 and destroy helicopters, but you know the best way to fend them off?
10:33 How?
10:34 With a garbage can lid that you grab from the ground.
10:36 Yeah.
10:37 So it can, it literally punches a guy, throws him halfway across the building, but Cassie
10:42 can hold up a little garbage can lid and she can fend off these giant weapons of doom that
10:49 can destroy everything in their path.
10:50 Well, here's what doesn't make any sense.
10:51 So she wasn't like, not hate to her or anything, but I don't mean this in a bad way, she wasn't
10:54 particularly toned or anything.
10:56 No, no, she's skinny.
10:57 She's skinny as a rat.
10:58 She wasn't skinny, but-
10:59 Well, maybe she gained a bit of weight for this role, but you see her in most of her
11:02 movies, she's skinny as a rat.
11:03 Yeah, I just noticed she had some chub on her arm and stuff, but she was not at all
11:05 toned unlike some of the other girls there.
11:07 I know the black girl had some good abs or whatever, right?
11:11 She wasn't toned, she had like no muscle definition, right?
11:13 Now I'm not exactly the most toned, but I do play, I have some decent muscle definition,
11:20 you know, I do Pilates and stuff, I do home workouts.
11:22 I have muscle definition if I try hard enough, right?
11:26 I don't want to say either thing, but I'm not that muscular, she's not that muscular.
11:29 We were, just the other day, I was playing a game with my friends outside and we were
11:35 throwing like balls at each other, or some soccer ball or something, right?
11:39 And we were like really whipping it at each other and this one guy throws it at me and
11:45 it kind of hits my shoulder and I stumble back a few steps, right?
11:49 And then I get up, I throw it again, whatever, game moves on.
11:52 But the fact that she's going to hold off a literal bomb and not even move, like there
11:57 was no impact, she just sat there as it bounced off and it's like, whereas I get hit by a
12:02 soccer ball and I'm stumbling.
12:05 So we did some paintball not too long ago.
12:10 A little while ago, but yeah.
12:11 And in paintball, I mean, basically I'm like, please don't hit my chub, please don't hit
12:17 my muffin top.
12:18 Oh, I got hit on the arm and I still have a welt from it.
12:20 This was a while ago.
12:22 So this is just paintball and it hits and it hurts, but apparently this is totally fine.
12:28 Oh gosh.
12:30 Okay.
12:31 So when she, Cassie at one point in the sort of final fight scene, Ezekiel hits her so
12:37 hard in the stomach, she flies probably 20 feet and lands against a wall.
12:43 Yeah.
12:44 Now that's...
12:45 Half a flight of stairs.
12:46 That is...
12:48 I mean, it bothers me fundamentally that people get such a bizarre view of what damage is
12:53 a human being.
12:54 Like, if somebody hits you that hard...
12:56 Oh, you'd be out.
12:57 Like your ribs would be broken.
13:00 All of your innards would be liquefied, like they'd turn into soup.
13:03 Yeah.
13:04 Because you get hit that hard that you're flying 20 feet.
13:06 You're done.
13:07 Even if you're some Hulk-like superhero, but she is basically a slender woman with no definition.
13:13 She's a slender 35 year old woman with no muscle definition.
13:16 She's not going to...
13:18 And she's not got superpowers.
13:19 So I just found that kind of...
13:21 Or physical superpowers.
13:22 Right, right, right.
13:23 Right.
13:24 So I said the time...
13:25 Well, they specifically said you do not get blessed with the physical...
13:27 The physical strength.
13:28 Yeah.
13:29 So I don't...
13:30 Like, it really bothers me that people think that this level of insane violence, like she
13:36 would be almost punched into two pieces with that.
13:38 Oh yeah.
13:39 And yet she just, you know, shake it off, you know, shake it off, man.
13:42 And then she's totally fine.
13:43 Shake it off, so the song.
13:44 Oh.
13:45 Yeah, that...
13:46 It was...
13:47 I mean, obviously a lot of action movies are unrealistic, but this one just took things
13:52 to an entirely new level.
13:54 Now I thought the time flip was interesting.
13:57 I mean, I feel like the time...
14:00 Like she flips time, she goes back and she sees the future.
14:02 Oh yeah.
14:03 I thought that was interesting that you...
14:07 That's basically Final Destination, but like an entire superpower made off of it.
14:11 What's that?
14:12 It's a movie series.
14:13 Final Destination.
14:14 So basically, it's like five of them at this point or something like this, but it's at
14:18 the beginning, the main character, she'll see like a premonition.
14:24 Maybe she...
14:25 I remember there was this one, she got on like a carnival ride and she basically gets
14:28 in and she sees a premonition of the ride and it basically falls apart and everyone
14:32 dies.
14:33 Yeah.
14:34 And then it takes her back a few minutes to when she's just getting on the ride.
14:37 Yeah.
14:38 And she stops it and then the rest of the movie, like, cause she saw the future, right?
14:41 And then she's able to stop it from that.
14:43 And then the rest of the movie is, you know, they all keep trying to die.
14:46 It's a whole mess.
14:47 I'm not going to explain that movie.
14:48 But she has this time for that.
14:49 They just stole it from Final Destination.
14:51 That's the first thing I saw or thought of when this happened.
14:54 I'm like, I've seen this before in a movie review.
14:56 That's why they had the Christmas Carol, because Scrooge sees the future and then becomes generous
15:02 because he sees how mean he is and all of that.
15:05 But I'm just saying the coolest thing they had in the movie was kind of taken from another
15:08 movie.
15:09 Right, right.
15:10 So the time dilation stuff.
15:12 So she, she understands that she can see the future and the black guy who's her boss, who
15:18 gets into it near the beginning, he gets into the ambulance and she's like, I need to drive.
15:24 Let me drive.
15:26 Something bad is going to happen.
15:27 Now, if you genuinely believe that you would take the keys away from him, you would lead
15:32 him someplace away.
15:33 You'd create a diversion.
15:34 And she's just like, okay, well, I guess you can die then.
15:37 I guess you can die.
15:38 Let me point out.
15:39 So all the guys, so their boss just dies, whatever.
15:41 And all the guys like she's, she just starts sobbing and trembling and stuff.
15:45 Because her friend died.
15:46 The guys there are just like, you know, stuff happens.
15:49 Yeah.
15:50 We got to try and fix it.
15:51 Literally an ambulance.
15:52 There's got to be other people.
15:53 Like you work in this, you work in ER or whatever it's called.
15:58 Like there's got to be another person that's injured in the area because you're at a scene.
16:02 Then you help them.
16:03 But you're just sitting there crying because someone you knew died.
16:06 Right.
16:07 So obviously that makes sense.
16:08 But if you're like that, then you shouldn't be working that job.
16:11 That job.
16:12 Yeah.
16:13 If you're used to it, because obviously people are going to die on the job.
16:14 But no, I'm sorry.
16:15 But I would say that, no, I mean, I hate to sort of contradict you, fun though it is.
16:18 But I would say it's not because the guy died, although he was her friend.
16:23 It's because she felt guilty because all the other deaths that she's dealing with, she
16:26 didn't cause.
16:27 Yeah.
16:28 Or she didn't instruct.
16:29 So I think I can understand that because now she's like, oh, basically I didn't believe
16:32 my powers and my friend died.
16:36 And that's pretty bad.
16:37 Now, sorry, go ahead.
16:38 Yeah, no, that's fair.
16:39 Now, I think it was really interesting to me because these movies are generally childless.
16:45 Or there's just some cute kid you have to save or whatever.
16:48 But the fact that there was a positive portrayal of motherhood or getting pregnant, you know,
16:53 she had the baby shower.
16:55 No, that baby shower was portrayed super negatively.
17:01 The baby, I think that it was portrayed.
17:02 Because of her premonitions and so on.
17:03 But the baby shower itself was kind of nice.
17:05 She was just weird.
17:06 Yeah, but the fact it was, you're supposed to sympathize with the main character.
17:10 And if the main character finds something bad, then it's bad.
17:12 I really hated her in that whole baby shower.
17:15 I hated her.
17:16 Oh, yeah, she's so annoying.
17:17 Because I hate those awkward people that mess up social engagements.
17:22 Yeah, me too.
17:23 Now, occasionally I'm one of them, but not often.
17:24 Yeah.
17:25 No, no.
17:26 So she's like, well, my mother died in childbirth, she says to the woman who's six months pregnant.
17:31 Just say, oh, sorry, you know, my mom passed away.
17:34 I was raised in the system.
17:36 Now, of course, you would say, well, she's awkward because she was raised in the system
17:41 and she doesn't have good social skills.
17:43 She's been around for 35 years, like 20 of which she's been outside of the social system.
17:49 She's not going to like.
17:50 It doesn't take a genius.
17:51 Like, is she autistic?
17:52 Like, it doesn't take a genius to say, don't say someone died of childbirth at a woman's
17:57 baby shower when she's six months pregnant.
17:59 That's not that complicated.
18:00 And you also don't even know the woman.
18:02 So like, it's even worse because you don't even know them.
18:04 I think she might.
18:05 So this was her partner's sister-in-law.
18:08 Yeah.
18:09 Is that right?
18:10 Yeah.
18:11 So she probably had met them.
18:12 I mean, the partner seemed to socialize.
18:13 She said, oh, who are you?
18:14 Kind of.
18:15 And I'm pretty sure at the beginning they were just meeting the first time.
18:17 She's like, oh, like, haven't seen you around before.
18:19 Oh, yeah.
18:20 I think, yeah.
18:21 She said you're so-and-so's partner.
18:22 Who said that?
18:23 She's like, oh, are you?
18:24 Oh, you're Ben's partner, right?
18:26 Yeah.
18:27 That guy, he's got a really interesting face and really spiky hair.
18:30 He's got this kind of half devilish face.
18:31 He also looks like an Ezekiel, I'm going to be honest.
18:34 Yeah, I've seen him in a whole bunch of movies.
18:37 He's actually quite a good actor.
18:38 He didn't have much to work with here, but I thought he was quite a good actor.
18:42 Oh, gosh.
18:44 What else?
18:45 The scene in the subway.
18:47 Was that a subway or a train?
18:48 It was a subway.
18:49 Because there was a train station, too.
18:50 Like, when she got her ticket, that wasn't a subway.
18:52 No, but it was a subway.
18:53 No, but it wasn't a subway where she got her ticket.
18:55 It was a train station.
18:56 The fight was a subway because they were underground.
19:00 Trains go underground.
19:01 There are tunnels.
19:02 Have you never seen tunnels in trains?
19:04 I have.
19:05 Dad, it was underground.
19:06 It makes subway.
19:07 No, I think they went from a train to a subway.
19:10 Whatever.
19:11 No, because also, weren't the seats facing each other?
19:13 You're talking about the subway scene.
19:15 Oh, yeah.
19:16 No, sorry.
19:17 It's the train scene.
19:18 They were in a train first because the seats were facing each other, weren't they?
19:20 I don't remember.
19:21 Oh, no, they weren't.
19:22 There was a scene where they- I'm pretty sure it was a subway.
19:25 Okay.
19:26 So, that bit where she has this premonition, what was that?
19:28 20 minutes?
19:29 Yeah.
19:30 Okay, we get it.
19:31 You've got some premonition something bad might happen.
19:33 Like, hurry up.
19:34 And, Stalky Shaggy Guy is coming down the-
19:37 They were trying so hard to make him attractive and they were failing every single time.
19:41 At the beginning, also, near the beginning, he goes to the opera and he sits down next
19:51 to some woman who's older and-
19:54 Pretty ugly.
19:55 And, then they end up in bed together, right?
19:58 Yeah.
19:59 Is that what happens at the opera?
20:00 You just go and find someone to take to bed and then you steal her NSA code or something
20:05 like that?
20:06 And kill her?
20:07 Yeah, yeah.
20:08 It's like, okay.
20:09 I don't know.
20:10 Every single time he was on screen, he just got less and less attractive, but they were
20:12 trying to do the opposite.
20:14 He was just such an unlikable dude.
20:17 Everything about him was just like, "Can you just go away?"
20:19 Yeah, I know.
20:20 He looked like the kind of guy who should be selling oranges at the median of a highway
20:23 or something.
20:24 It looks like the kind of guy you'd see on the side of the street asking for money.
20:26 Right, right, right.
20:27 It's like, "Bro."
20:28 "How much do you think I'll pay for his haircut?"
20:29 Oh my gosh, his beard was so- He was so scraggly.
20:30 And the fluffy hair.
20:31 He just looks scraggly.
20:32 He looks like a 30-year-old alcoholic who's just gambled away his entire life.
20:33 He's awful.
20:34 30?
20:35 I don't know.
20:36 He was an adult at the beginning of the movie.
20:37 Oh!
20:38 Wait, no, go on.
20:39 What?
20:40 No, go on.
20:41 He's just an ugly old guy who looks like a gambling addiction.
20:42 Right.
20:43 Okay, so, bro.
20:44 Bro.
20:45 Oh.
20:46 The guy, she should- Oh, oh.
20:47 So, she's wanted for kissing.
20:48 Oh, okay.
20:49 So, she's wanted for kissing.
20:50 Yeah.
20:51 She's wanted for kissing.
20:52 Yeah.
20:53 So, the guy, she should- Oh, oh.
20:57 So, she's wanted for kidnapping three girls, attacking a bunch of policemen, which means
21:02 she would be absolute person number wanted in the whole country.
21:05 Oh, yeah.
21:06 She attacked and killed, I assume.
21:08 We didn't see them die, but she attacked and killed a whole bunch of policemen.
21:10 She never killed them.
21:12 Well, no, no, but they thought she did.
21:14 Remember they were talking about- Oh, they did.
21:16 Because nobody saw- Remember they said nobody saw the spider guy, right?
21:19 Yeah.
21:20 So, Cassie is assumed to have attacked and probably killed a whole bunch of policemen,
21:26 kidnapped three girls.
21:28 So she is like Bolo, APB, all points bulletin, be on the lookout for- She's criminal number
21:35 one in all of the country, right?
21:39 And apparently she could just go to Peru.
21:42 And rent a motel.
21:43 Yeah, well, maybe that was cash.
21:44 And she stole a taxi.
21:45 Yeah, she stole a taxi.
21:46 She stole a taxi, but it's like, and I was like, she's going to Peru.
21:51 How can she leave the country when every single human being is looking for her?
21:57 And apparently because of the NSA, everybody knows who everyone is.
22:00 So they would have absolutely had, they would have disabled her passport.
22:04 She couldn't get out of the country.
22:05 But she's just, "Oh, no, I'm-" Also, apparently every car, I don't know why anyone ever refills
22:11 gas, because apparently every car you steal has an infinite supply of gasoline.
22:15 Oh, yeah.
22:16 So nothing needs to happen.
22:17 Obviously.
22:18 So that, because they drove through the city at high speed, which burns up a lot of gas.
22:23 They drove out the country.
22:24 She drove elsewhere.
22:25 Oh my God.
22:26 That's just a minor annoyance of mine.
22:28 Yeah.
22:29 Someone's got to fill up gas at some point.
22:31 It just, because this guy, you think about that, or as anyone who, when you become a
22:34 driver, you're always thinking about how much gas you need or where it is.
22:38 And that drives me kind of crazy.
22:39 So she goes to Peru.
22:41 Yep.
22:42 And apparently this guy-
22:45 He's just been sitting there for 30 years.
22:47 He's been waiting in the jungle for 30 years for her to come back.
22:51 I promised your mother I'd stand in this greasy, disgusting, sweaty spot for 30 years until
22:57 you come back and then I'm going to push you in the water.
22:59 Well, it looks like he hasn't bathed in 20 years.
23:01 Well, I thought he was actually, his clothes were fairly clean for a guy who's wearing
23:05 the same clothes he wore 30 years ago.
23:06 Yeah, but his hair was greasier than a French fry's.
23:09 Oh my gosh.
23:10 So that, to me, was like, when they pull these Japanese guys, like I told you about these
23:14 Japanese guys live in the jungle, they don't realize the war has ended.
23:18 When they pull these Japanese guys out, they're legit insane.
23:24 Because they've been on their own living in the jungle for 30 years straight.
23:28 Thinking there's a war.
23:29 And so this guy is just like, "Yeah, I'm cracking up.
23:32 It's a good thing you came back."
23:34 Do you know how insane he'd be?
23:35 Like, "Thank God you're here so that I can leave this spot I've been stuck in because
23:40 I made some promise to your mother that he didn't even know the mother."
23:42 And he's just like, "I don't know, that bothered me insanely."
23:45 That it's like, "I'm so glad you have come back to have all of these questions answered.
23:50 I've been here 30 years."
23:52 I've been waiting.
23:53 Well, no, more than 30 years because early 30s they referred to her as...
23:56 She looked like 35 or something.
23:57 She looked like 35.
23:58 Yeah, she actually did look a little rough in some of the close-ups.
24:00 But yeah, so 35 years, I've just been standing in the jungle.
24:04 Can I tell you what else bothers...
24:05 Sorry, I don't mean to over-
24:06 No, no, go ahead.
24:07 Okay, what else bothers me about these jungle scenes?
24:09 Okay.
24:10 So we live in Canada.
24:11 Yeah.
24:12 And when it's warm and we go into the woods in say...
24:18 They did actually have that.
24:19 They had that.
24:20 They had all the bugs.
24:21 No, they weren't in Canada.
24:24 They had all the bugs.
24:25 They had no flying bugs.
24:26 Yes, they did.
24:27 Where?
24:28 Okay, when they were walking through the woods, the three girls, they were swatting away bugs
24:32 the whole time.
24:33 I didn't notice that.
24:35 I did.
24:36 I 100% noticed that.
24:37 Because I was waiting them for the jump on a tree stump and twerk.
24:39 Okay.
24:40 And no, when she was in the jungle in Peru.
24:43 Okay, there were no bugs there.
24:45 No bugs.
24:46 It's the Amazon.
24:47 They had bugs in the forest all other times.
24:50 There were bugs that they were swatting.
24:52 Okay, when's the next movie?
24:54 I'm going back to check.
24:55 It's at nine something.
24:56 Oh God.
24:57 Oh no, it's at 6.30.
24:58 I can't even.
24:59 Okay, but in Peru, they're literally in the Amazon jungle.
25:03 It's so thick with bugs because we step 10 feet out of the house and there's a tree and
25:09 you're inhaling bugs.
25:10 Yeah.
25:11 Like I've done shows where I'm walking around the woods and it's like, I literally will
25:13 breathe them in.
25:14 Yeah.
25:15 So, and the Amazon is insane for drugs and scorpions and snakes.
25:22 And so the fact that, and it bothers me every single time that Hollywood does anything in
25:29 the jungle, it's completely bugless, which is completely insane.
25:34 And it gives people, I don't know, it's like the whole point of having a city and the whole
25:38 point of having tarmac and the whole point of having a house is you're not inhaling bugs
25:42 and getting bitten all the time.
25:44 I mean, you never see these survival shows where they put people on these desert islands
25:49 or whatever and they just, even they lie on sand, they get chewed up from the sand fleas
25:54 and all that.
25:55 Like the bugs are a mental.
25:56 I remember we saw some documentary, it was like an animated documentary on dinosaurs
26:01 and they talked just about how insane the bugs were for the dinosaurs and they literally
26:05 would go insane.
26:06 And they had to leave at certain times of the year because the mosquitoes would kill
26:10 them.
26:11 So bad.
26:12 Yeah.
26:13 The mosquitoes would kill them.
26:14 Kill the babies, I think.
26:15 So yeah, that, oh, that, that, that guy in the jungle is just literally a jaw dropping,
26:20 you know, "Oh, let me just tell you."
26:24 And some of the fortune cookie stuff, like you must delve into your past to open up your
26:29 future and things like, and it did turn out to be kind of true.
26:32 Her future changed once she understood her past.
26:35 But here's the thing.
26:38 If the story is something to do with understand your past, let go of resentment about your
26:43 past and it opens up your future, it's impossible because she's 35.
26:51 First of all, the fact that her mother never wrote down anything about why she was going
26:56 to the Amazon to study these spiders.
26:58 Yeah.
26:59 Right.
27:00 That she would, she's got infinite notebooks from her mother and she never says, "Oh, I
27:03 need to go to the Amazon to get medicine for my unborn baby."
27:06 Yeah.
27:07 Never once.
27:08 That was kind of...
27:09 Also, where was the father?
27:10 No idea.
27:11 No idea.
27:12 Right.
27:13 So single mom, right?
27:14 I like at the end when she said, sorry, just another thing about single mom, when they
27:16 said, "Are any immediate family in the room at the end in the hospital?"
27:19 They're all mine.
27:20 They're all mine.
27:21 And I would have, I was expecting, you know how funny it would have been if the doctor
27:23 was just like, "Dang, like, like what's wrong with you?"
27:26 Yeah, she's been, she's been around because all different races, right?
27:28 There was a Hispanic girl, the black girl, the white girl.
27:30 That could have been the funniest scene in the whole movie.
27:34 If the doctor just gave an angel look like, "Oh."
27:37 Okay.
27:38 Or if she was shaking her hand and was like, "Um."
27:42 Yeah.
27:43 So, oh, what was I talking about before?
27:49 And also at the end, she's in a hospital and she's not the most wanted.
27:54 I guess it was all cleared up by magic.
27:57 Girl magic cleared it all up.
27:58 Oh my gosh.
27:59 It's everything.
28:00 You know, the only movie I've seen that's worse was probably the second Avatar, which
28:03 for some reason everybody I've talked to likes, and it's really a big problem at this point.
28:07 It's starting to make me think I'm crazy, but I'd say that's the only movie I've seen
28:10 that's worse than this.
28:11 Godzilla?
28:12 Wait, there was some other movie that we saw.
28:17 Elemental.
28:18 Oh, Elemental was terrible.
28:19 Elemental and Avatar 2 and this, they're all at the very bottom.
28:24 We just talked about this on the way to come and see the movie.
28:26 What was the one, it had the, sorry, it was a super girl.
28:32 The Marvels.
28:33 Was it the Marvels?
28:34 Yeah.
28:35 That was also, oh, with the Indian girl, that was also wretched.
28:37 That was-
28:38 Yeah, but that at least had good special effects.
28:40 The special effects in this were so bad.
28:41 There really weren't many special effects.
28:43 No, but when they were, like, the signs were falling over at the very end, it looked so
28:47 bad.
28:48 Well, and also, quick question.
28:52 How did she know to drive the ambulance through the second story of a building to hit this
28:58 guy perfectly?
28:59 That's a good question.
29:00 Does she have a flash forward of where she was?
29:02 You know how funny it would have been if she just landed on the car full of people she
29:04 was trying to see?
29:07 Whoops.
29:08 Sometimes you know the future, sometimes you're just a little off.
29:09 Maybe she was a bit wonky, had some lag.
29:12 But even if she knew the future, how is she supposed to know all of this stuff?
29:15 Oh my gosh.
29:17 And I thought it wasn't too bad that the teenage girls weren't super ninjas, although I guess
29:22 in the future they'd become ninjas.
29:23 But why was-
29:24 Okay, so if he had just- this is what was stupid.
29:27 If he had just left them all alone, they never would have met each other and become ninjas
29:33 and tried to kill him.
29:34 Ironic, isn't it?
29:35 Ironic.
29:36 No, it's stupid.
29:37 They're trying to give you the irony.
29:38 It's stupid, and he's retarded.
29:41 Stephen Ho's stupid.
29:42 What?
29:43 What's that guy on YouTube?
29:44 He gives you stupid, stupid-
29:45 Stupid.
29:46 Yeah, yeah, that's right.
29:47 Emotional damage.
29:48 Yeah, yeah, that's right.
29:49 That's great.
29:50 Oh, I saw it was good.
29:51 But okay, so tell me, but I know that you love to work with metaphors and analogies.
29:59 So what do you think it meant when he put all of the three teenage girls in danger and
30:06 she couldn't save them all at once, but she was able to create ghosts of herself and be
30:11 in three places at once?
30:13 What do you think that meant from a psychological or self-knowledge or metaphorical, in a metaphorical
30:20 way?
30:22 I think it meant that we should have left the theater a long time ago.
30:26 I can't believe we arrived too late to get snacks.
30:31 That was just appalling.
30:32 Snacks would have helped.
30:33 I think I wouldn't even eat them at that point.
30:35 I would just have been too depressed, just wallowing away in sorrow from watching this.
30:40 Oh, now, of course, I assume that this is a part of a story.
30:44 It's the origin story of the three girls.
30:46 What?
30:47 The three girls become like superheroes, right?
30:51 The black girl has like the spider body.
30:53 Oh, yeah, yeah.
30:54 So they become superheroes.
30:55 Later on.
30:56 But how?
30:57 How do they get the powers?
31:01 Well, no, no, the black girl, do you remember she was being held off the ground and she
31:07 was being poisoned?
31:08 Apparently, if you poison people, you create them with superpowers.
31:09 No, but she wasn't, because she never got the black veins on her face.
31:12 Unless they were just a color for skin tone or something.
31:14 Yeah, no, I think that I saw the black veins.
31:16 Okay, but what about the other two?
31:18 They never got touched by the guy.
31:19 He didn't even give them a handshake or something.
31:23 Or like smile at them seductively, the way he does.
31:25 I think that's the one delicate area in the film where the logic broke down a little.
31:29 Yeah, other than that, it was picture perfect.
31:31 Perfectly sensible.
31:32 What happened to her eyes?
31:35 She got hit in the face when she fell in the water by lightning or firework or whatever.
31:39 Okay, so these fireworks are so powerful.
31:41 This is also blows my mind.
31:43 Through the water, they blind her.
31:45 Well, they also they go 20, 20 or 30 feet into the water and still impact her heart.
31:51 And why didn't she just swim?
31:53 When she landed, literally just swim.
31:56 She wasn't unconscious.
31:57 She wasn't injured at that point, except for the punch that sent her flying into a wall.
32:01 Literally just swim.
32:04 Are you literally like an ER person and you can't even swim?
32:07 You suck.
32:08 No, but I will also say that it could have been that the water was a little chilly and
32:12 she was just stunned.
32:13 Get over it.
32:14 Right.
32:15 Throw up.
32:16 And it was very like from an analogy standpoint or a metaphor.
32:21 You're trying so hard to philosophicalize this.
32:23 Okay, are you ready?
32:24 Are you ready?
32:26 Listen, the three girls brought Cassie's heart back to life.
32:34 Back to life.
32:35 Is he because they gave her chest compressing.
32:38 They brought her heart back to life.
32:42 You see, that's the absolutely wretched personalities like they were not the most sympathetic girls
32:49 known to man at all.
32:51 Do that.
32:52 I don't know.
32:53 Number one, the Hispanic girl had no personality whatsoever.
32:56 She liked science, though.
32:58 Yeah.
32:59 Like, you know, girls usually do math for breakfast.
33:03 Yeah.
33:04 Like, tell me you're a nerd without telling me you're there's not a single girl I know
33:09 if they if they looked like that, you know, she had a good figure.
33:11 She was attractive.
33:14 If a girl looks like that and puts that much effort into makeup and hair and exercise,
33:19 she's not going to wear a shirt that says math for breakfast because that literally
33:23 erases all of the effort she's put into herself to look good.
33:27 If you saw a girl wearing that, I just wouldn't you just laugh?
33:30 You're like, where did it all go wrong?
33:31 No, I would say it's it's wonderful that she's into physical fitness and the mental discipline
33:36 of mathematics.
33:37 I think that would be excellent.
33:38 Beautiful, wonderful, inspiring.
33:39 If you wear a shirt that says math for breakfast, you are a nerd.
33:45 You have no state.
33:46 You have no social life.
33:47 You sit at home on Friday nights doing math questions for fun and being a teacher's pet.
33:51 That's what happens if you wear a shirt that says math for breakfast.
33:56 I'm sorry.
33:57 That's just the logic.
33:58 If you wear that, you're a nerd.
34:00 Okay, listen, I didn't want to tell you about teenage girls, but I'm going to have to step
34:04 in after intervene because you got it wrong.
34:06 Okay, I guess I do.
34:07 No, I remember there was a girl who liked me in high school.
34:11 She played cello and she wore t-shirts saying cello power and she was actually quite nerdy.
34:18 She was super nerdy.
34:19 Yeah, but that's an exception to the rule.
34:22 The mathletes.
34:23 That's why I don't run around wearing a shirt that says I love ducks or something because
34:28 even though I do love ducks and geese and chickens, I'm not going to advertise it because
34:32 I just lose my status.
34:33 You just don't wear shirts with text on them.
34:36 It's literally just a rule.
34:38 What if you wear something that says I have status because I'd like to get one of those
34:40 for myself.
34:41 No, you, I am status.
34:43 I am status.
34:44 Assert dominance over your enemies.
34:47 I did have some trouble with some of the science.
34:50 No, I'm kidding.
34:52 All of it.
34:53 All right.
34:54 Is there any other things you'd like to say?
34:56 I highly recommend this.
34:57 You guys should go watch it.
34:58 You're going to have so much fun.
35:00 Why do you hate my audience?
35:01 I'm so sorry.
35:02 They help keep us alive.
35:03 For any of the guys listening to this, never wear a shirt that says math for breakfast.
35:07 Like this goes applies to both men and women.
35:09 Well, the funny thing is, is that she says, where's the shirt that says math for breakfast?
35:12 And you could see half her stomach the whole movie.
35:14 Yeah.
35:15 And also like why they never changed this clothes.
35:19 How could they?
35:21 I don't know.
35:22 But like their clothes must have smelled so bad.
35:24 Oh, the other thing too.
35:26 So see, this is why, sorry, this is why deodorant companies will make that deodorant that says
35:31 active for like 72 hours.
35:33 It's because of situations like you get kidnapped by spider woman.
35:36 Yeah.
35:37 You need to smell good, you know?
35:38 Right.
35:39 Anyways.
35:40 So the other thing too, is that these girls have watched cops get killed or maimed right
35:48 in front of them.
35:50 They've been kidnapped.
35:51 They've been dragged through.
35:52 They've had a strange guy in a suit, walk on the ceiling and attack them.
35:54 They're doing each other's nails.
35:56 A very traumatic childhoods and very traumatic childhoods.
36:01 But you know what happens at the end of the day?
36:03 They just fall asleep.
36:04 No problem.
36:05 Yeah.
36:06 You know, it's been like the worst, most terrifying, traumatic, terrifying day of their entire
36:10 lives.
36:11 But, you know, just a tiny twin bed.
36:12 Yeah.
36:13 It's all just sleep.
36:14 No, I could not do that.
36:15 I'd rather sleep on the floor.
36:17 I'd sleep in the curtains like, no.
36:19 Oh, this is the thing too.
36:21 So they're in that motel and I'm like, oh, thank goodness.
36:28 A quiet scene.
36:29 I can get some rest from the noise.
36:32 And then even when she opens the curtains, it's like a thunderbolt when she opens the
36:38 curtains.
36:39 I'm like, oh, come on, they're curtains for heaven's sakes.
36:41 I'm stirring my coffee.
36:42 It sounds like a tsunami.
36:43 Like everything was so aggressive.
36:44 And also when they wake up and she plays the alarm to get them up, the girl just turns
36:49 it off.
36:50 I mean, you can't just have the most traumatic day of your life and then you just want to
36:52 sleep in some more like what?
36:54 Wouldn't you be in like fight or flight mode and like leap out of bed?
36:57 Oh, for like a week.
36:58 People, yeah.
36:59 Yeah.
37:00 People go through that kind of trauma.
37:01 They can't sleep for like, it takes a long time to get back the basic sleepy.
37:04 That's even what the doctor was saying at the beginning.
37:06 Like they even said it in the movie.
37:08 The doctor was saying, hey, you know, you almost drowned.
37:11 Okay, Cassie, you're going to be having some issues.
37:14 Take a week off work.
37:15 They literally said it.
37:16 They're not even taking the own advice that they put in the movie.
37:20 But they need to rest up for the table dancing because apparently when you get male writers
37:26 writing teenage girls, they just table dance.
37:28 The boys had to have been written by a woman.
37:30 I can't.
37:31 No, I think it was male writers.
37:33 I think it was women.
37:34 Oh gosh.
37:35 Look it up.
37:36 Look it up.
37:37 Pulling out the phone.
37:38 Look it up.
37:39 I've got, I believe it was male writers.
37:41 I can't believe the female writers would have teenage girls table dancing.
37:45 Okay, who, I can't type.
37:48 Who wrote Madam Web?
37:51 My phone is lagging.
37:53 There we go.
37:54 Oh, Web.
37:55 I get that.
37:56 Like Spider Web.
37:57 I just got that.
37:58 No way.
37:59 Come on.
38:00 Tell me.
38:01 Written by, it's a dude fest.
38:02 Okay, Madam Web is an American feature whatever.
38:05 It's a dude fest.
38:06 Produced by Columbia Pictures and D. Bonet Association and Picture Reading.
38:10 The film was directed by S.J. Clarkson from a screenplay she co-wrote with Claire Parker.
38:15 And the writing team of Matt Cezama and Burke Sharpless.
38:21 It's male and female?
38:22 There were two women and two men.
38:26 Although Burke Sharpless, that could be, I don't even know what the heck that is.
38:29 Burke?
38:30 B-E-R-K?
38:31 Yeah.
38:32 I think that's a male name.
38:33 Okay, so what you're saying is that it was a woman.
38:36 The film was directed from a screenplay she co-wrote.
38:40 That's all I'm saying.
38:41 I am astounded.
38:44 So there were men and women in the writing.
38:45 But she would be primary if she's the director, she'd have the most say in it.
38:48 Yeah.
38:49 Okay, you know what, I'm actually, my very first question about feminism has arisen.
38:54 Story was also co-written, aside from the screenplay directed by, like the screenplay
38:58 was directed by two women, two men.
39:00 No, directed by a woman, screenplay by two women, two men.
39:04 That's what I said.
39:05 So it was directed by a woman.
39:06 Story by?
39:07 Story by, it was a story written by Karim Sanga, Matt Cezama and Burke Sharpless.
39:11 I think Karim's a woman.
39:13 Oh, okay.
39:14 Produced by Lorenzo, that's a woman.
39:17 No, that's the last name, I think.
39:21 Lorenzo di Bonaventura.
39:22 No, Lorenzo is a man's name.
39:24 I know it sounds like a woman's name, but it is.
39:27 Wow.
39:28 Wow, wow, wow.
39:29 Okay.
39:30 Well.
39:31 So it was women and men.
39:32 Yeah.
39:33 So I'm right.
39:34 Well, the woman's in charge, as the director, I think.
39:35 Yeah, both right, but I'm righter, you know.
39:36 What was the budget?
39:37 80 million.
39:38 Nice.
39:39 And the box office was only 49 million.
39:43 I'm so happy.
39:44 They wasted 116 minutes of my life, dude.
39:47 I checked my phone and it only been like 40 minutes and I hear I was thinking it was like
39:51 the movie was almost over.
39:53 That's rough.
39:54 All right.
39:55 So I'm afraid we're going to have to give that two giant thumbs down.
39:57 Massive, bro.
39:58 That was like a negative 10 out of, actually negative nine out of 10.
40:01 Negative 10 out of 10 would be Avatar and Elemental.
40:04 All right.
40:05 Well, thanks everyone.
40:06 If you're new here, go to freetomain.com/tonight to help out the show.
40:08 Really appreciate your time.
40:09 And also this did come out of a vote for my live stream yesterday.
40:12 Really?
40:13 Yeah.
40:14 Yeah.
40:15 I did ask people, oh no, today, sorry.
40:16 I did ask people if they would enjoy a movie review of this movie and everyone said, you
40:20 should definitely go and see it and we really look forward to your review.
40:23 Okay.
40:24 It's their fault.
40:25 All right.
40:26 Bye.