GHOSTS UK Season 3 Episode 4 - video Dailymotion
GHOSTS UK Season 3 Episode 4 - video Dailymotion
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TVTranscript
00:00 Well, there are lots of exciting options, but I like sex on the beach.
00:06 Is that vodka based, or...
00:07 Oh, are we talking about drinks?
00:10 Be a port and lemon for me.
00:11 Bitter tart.
00:12 You said it, mate.
00:13 What if it was puddle water mixed with river water?
00:17 It's still not a cocktail, Robin.
00:19 It's all I've ever drunk!
00:21 Right, and seeing as Mary doesn't partake...
00:24 Taste devil's juice!
00:26 That just about wraps up our inaugural cocktail society.
00:29 No, we're not calling it that, mate.
00:31 When I was fucked up as CEO of...
00:33 Those aren't real words.
00:34 It was the highlight of our week on a Friday night.
00:37 # I feel good
00:38 # What a day it is
00:40 Is that me?
00:42 # Good morning, good morning
00:44 # Ta-ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
00:46 # Oh, Kitty, what pretty hair you have today
00:49 # And Robbie looking very sprightly
00:51 # And a lovely smile, as always, from my dearest Pat-a-cake
00:56 Huh?
00:59 What just happened?
01:01 And then pages seven and nine.
01:03 OK.
01:04 Nice.
01:08 What's that? Rosewood?
01:10 That's my granola.
01:12 OK.
01:13 Marvellous.
01:14 Well, your driveway is now officially your driveway.
01:18 Sorry again, this really should have come up in our searches.
01:21 These things happen.
01:22 To us.
01:23 Hopefully we won't find any more skeletons in the...
01:26 Basement. Closet.
01:27 Closet. Mm-hm.
01:28 Well, we should get going. My sister's coming over.
01:31 Sister? I didn't think you had a sister.
01:34 Oh, yeah, no. Recent development.
01:36 Yeah, um, long-lost sister.
01:38 Well, actually, half-sister.
01:40 Which half? On which side?
01:41 My dad's.
01:42 Older? Younger?
01:44 Older.
01:45 Oh, dear.
01:47 Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
01:49 Is there a problem?
01:51 She may have a claim to the estate.
01:53 So either you'd have to buy a right which you don't have the money for
01:56 or sell the house and split the proceeds.
01:58 Admittedly, those are worst-case scenarios,
02:00 but it's a very serious situation.
02:02 Oh, I mean, so what can we do?
02:05 Well, first things first, you need to confirm her identity,
02:07 a birth certificate at least, if not a DNA test.
02:11 A DNA test? You're not serious.
02:13 I'm always serious.
02:15 Ask my wife.
02:17 No, no, no, look, look.
02:20 I know Fanny better than any of you.
02:23 She does have a lighter side, you know.
02:25 Not that light.
02:27 No, something's up.
02:28 Perhaps she's unwell.
02:30 She's dead, Kitty.
02:31 There you are, then.
02:32 Perhaps she has been possessed.
02:35 There's no such thing as possession.
02:37 Well, there's no such thing as ghosts, but...
02:39 It's all right, isn't it?
02:40 I mean, I don't know.
02:42 Well, can't you just drop it in? Conversationally.
02:48 Oh, yeah. Oh, hi, Lucy. Nice weather.
02:50 Can I test your DNA?
02:52 Look, she might not even want the house.
02:54 He did say it was just a worst-case scenario.
02:56 He knows you screwed up the driveway thing,
02:58 so he's just being super cautious, you know?
03:00 Anyway, I've got to get back to work.
03:02 Hey, look at me.
03:04 I've got the kind of work that people have got to get back to.
03:07 I'm really growing as a person.
03:09 I don't know whether to be proud or depressed.
03:12 Ah, Alison, I couldn't help but overhear...
03:15 Play it good.
03:16 ..something about Lucy. A test.
03:18 Yeah, I just, uh...
03:20 I have to sort of confirm she is who she says she is.
03:24 You mean like a spy? No, that's...
03:26 Now, I happen to have a very particular set of skills
03:30 when it comes to rooting out bad apples.
03:33 If someone wanted, someone could conduct some covert surveillance
03:37 on a certain someone if someone didn't want to get their hands dirty,
03:41 if you know what I mean.
03:43 I don't want you to spy on my sister, if that's what you mean.
03:48 So you don't want me to spy on her?
03:51 Jolly good. No, no, really, Captain.
03:53 I really don't want you to spy on her.
03:56 I'm just going to talk to her and, you know, ask for some clarity
04:00 and some ID and a DNA swab
04:03 and then just ruin our relationship before we've even...
04:06 OK, actually, do you know what?
04:08 Maybe a little light surveillance wouldn't be the worst idea.
04:11 OK, do it. Do you mean do it as in don't do it
04:14 or do it as in do it? Do it.
04:16 So, don't. No, do.
04:18 Yes. Do.
04:21 Ah, all right. Um, don't?
04:24 Jolly good. Sorry, is that actual don't?
04:27 How do we win the war? All right, young lady, all right.
04:30 I'll make it simple for you.
04:32 If you want to greenlight this mission, say "Eiderdam".
04:35 Eiderdam. Shh! Oh.
04:37 All right. We'll soon find out if she's a German.
04:40 I mean, she is who she says she is.
04:43 OK. Good luck. Thank you.
04:46 Mm. Right, let's get in amongst them.
04:49 Stop it! Ha-ha!
05:03 Well, I'm bored!
05:05 I miss the office, the banter, the secretaries.
05:08 Word of the facts, the secretaries.
05:11 Photocopier. The secretaries on the photocopier.
05:15 Oh!
05:17 Hey! Right, do you know what a line manager is?
05:20 Because mine's very serious. Yeah?
05:22 I'm sure that you find this stuff hilarious.
05:24 What's up with you? I've just seen a square.
05:26 He's having a square meal and he's off to a square dance in Trafalgar Square.
05:30 So, please, just... Let me go on.
05:33 Yeah?
05:36 (TAPPING)
05:38 Oh, my... Oh! Like bum!
05:42 Yeah! Exactly like bum.
05:44 Just stop it, all right, or I'm telling Alison.
05:47 Thank you.
05:49 Ooh!
05:53 No! No, no, no, no.
05:58 I'm sent. I'm sent.
06:01 (HORSE GALLOPING)
06:03 Oh, joy, the other one. Kitty.
06:08 To think my head was turned by such a pale imitation of perfection.
06:12 So nice she's back. When's she leaving?
06:15 She's staying the night. A sleepover? Mm-hm.
06:18 Which I'm fine about, actually. Yeah?
06:22 Not jealous at all.
06:24 The opposite of jealous, if anything.
06:26 I'm happy. And if you see me crying, it's because I'm so happy.
06:30 I'm going to kill him. I'm going to resurrect him and I'm going to kill him.
06:36 Robin. It wasn't me.
06:38 So I'm typing an email to my boss and old Mr Funnyfingers
06:41 starts messing with the keyboard, changing words to rude words,
06:45 made annual review, anal review...
06:48 Like bum!
06:53 Yes, no, that's not funny at the end of the day.
06:56 I mean, you can't, you really can't...
06:58 I asked him to stop. I begged him.
07:00 And what does he do? Puts a kiss on it.
07:02 Best wishes, Michael, kiss.
07:04 And we do not have that kind of relationship at all.
07:07 OK, yeah, he really shouldn't have done that, but I doubt they'll even notice.
07:11 We should better not. Or I'll... You know what, mate?
07:13 What are you going to do? That's so hard to threaten dead people.
07:17 Keep walking.
07:20 What's funny? Really funny.
07:22 Give me a stitch!
07:24 Hey, how are you? Oh, I'm so, so much better.
07:28 Sorry. Oh, there we go.
07:30 And I feel nothing. Less than nothing.
07:34 Oh, I thought you were only coming for one night.
07:37 Oh, yeah, I always overpack. Dress and gown, slippers, couple of books.
07:41 What are you reading? Just some poetry. Oh, right.
07:47 Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind,
07:50 and therefore is winged, cupid, painted blind.
07:52 Thomas, if you could just dial down the flirting while my sister is here, please, because it's...
07:56 Thomas?
07:59 Oh.
08:01 Yeah, if you just go through, we're heading up the stairs to the blue room.
08:04 Oh, and I brought this for you. What, for us?
08:08 Ah, sincere. Woman of taste. Flinty.
08:13 I know the way he speaks. I tell him to you, Fanny, be be-teff-old.
08:17 I saw her head make turns a full circle. Really?
08:21 Well, no. But she did that, and she did that.
08:25 So how long till they meet's in the middle?
08:27 Normally just pick the nicest lady. Bless you.
08:30 What a charming young lady, so polite.
08:32 Oh, her you like. Sorry?
08:34 I heard you like to... Do you like to travel?
08:41 When I can. Yeah.
08:43 I just got back from Berlin. Okay.
08:45 I knew it. She's German.
08:47 Oh, no, we're not doing that, are we? Carry on.
08:50 But a demon wouldn't make her act happy, Mary. They're not jolly things, demons.
08:55 Oh, I don't know. Vice, decadence, fornication.
08:58 Nice work if you can get it.
09:00 Be gone, foul demon!
09:03 Mary, you gave me a start. Oh, you are a god.
09:07 Right, something's up, and I'm going to find out exactly what it is, young lady.
09:11 Old lady. Lady.
09:13 Patrick, I'm afraid I have no idea to what you might be...
09:17 Be not fooled. She be in the throne of some chuckle, some imp.
09:21 I'm quite sure there's been no change to my...
09:24 Aha! I recognise that glint in your eye. I've seen it many times in mirrors.
09:30 You're having an affair.
09:32 Ha ha ha! You're not. How dare you?
09:37 Oh, boop.
09:39 Oh, ho ho!
09:41 Ha ha ha!
09:43 Hang on, hang on.
09:45 Well, she ghost, huh?
09:47 So she can only...
09:50 ...with other ghosts.
09:53 Which means whoever she...
09:57 Must be someone in this room.
10:01 Oh!
10:04 Or the captain.
10:06 Someone in this room.
10:09 Do we get lost in here?
10:11 Well, no, I mean, you get used to it.
10:13 Yes, actually, yeah, yeah, all the time. It's awful. It's actually too big, if anything.
10:17 So much space.
10:19 Yeah, it's also quite small, weirdly, once you're in.
10:22 It's sort of one of those places it's better to visit than to...
10:25 Well, anyway, you're in here.
10:27 Oh my... Wow!
10:30 Well, it's a bit bleh.
10:32 I'll let you get settled in. I'll see you downstairs in ten?
10:34 Great.
10:35 OK.
10:36 Oh my God.
10:38 Excellent. Square room, one exit.
10:40 I'll keep her on night watch. Fingers crossed for a little pillow talk.
10:44 Well, no, because she's on her own, so there won't be any pillow talk.
10:46 So?
10:48 You do know what pillow talk is?
10:51 Talking to your pillow.
10:52 Who talks to their pillow?
10:55 Yes, yes. I mean, who on earth would do something like that?
11:00 Ah!
11:02 Yeah.
11:04 Doesn't mention the kiss.
11:18 Well, thanks to you.
11:20 Could have been Mikey no job.
11:22 Then what? The sex?
11:24 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:27 Two kisses. That's a kiss more than my kiss.
11:29 What does that mean? Do I reply with three kisses?
11:31 I can't do no kisses after two kisses.
11:33 If I reply with three, does she reply with four? Where does this end?
11:35 You see what you've done? Huh?
11:37 You see? Your actions have consequences. Yeah?
11:40 You walk around this house, touch her stuff, put her stuff...
11:43 Fanny Button, how dare you?
11:45 I mean, I've had my dull incest, hasn't everyone?
11:47 And even I draw the line somewhere.
11:49 I think the lady doth protest too much.
11:51 Oh, no, dear. Those who say man who point finger.
11:54 Me? I've never even thought about it.
11:57 Well, I did have one dream, but in my defence, she had your head.
12:01 What? OK.
12:03 What about Thomas? Where's he all of a sudden?
12:06 Ah, Mrs Bucklehampton, he behind me?
12:08 He's only got eyes for Alastair.
12:10 No, no, no, no. I don't think he does.
12:13 (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
12:16 (GASPS)
12:18 Did you miss me?
12:25 (SOBBING)
12:27 It's not me. No way. How's he?
12:35 Come here. Come here.
12:37 Leave him. Leave him.
12:39 He's not a demon. He's not a demon!
12:41 What? I did see Fanny locked in the tryst.
12:44 She's got herself a Borgock, a fancy man.
12:47 Ooh! Told you.
12:49 Well, who is it? It be...
12:52 ..Humphrey.
12:54 Huh? No, it's not.
12:57 Not that bit of...
12:59 What? Huh?
13:01 (GROANS)
13:03 You see... (GASPS)
13:06 ..it's complicated. You're telling me!
13:13 Changing for dinner?
13:15 Yeah, I'm trying to, but we've spoken about this.
13:18 You can't be in here when I'm trying to...
13:20 Nice to make an effort when one has guests.
13:22 Is she not around, Lucy?
13:24 Oh, no. No, I put her in the blue room.
13:27 If you don't mind, I'm trying to get ready for my evening, so...
13:31 Thomas?
13:33 Hmm.
13:41 I appreciate it may be a little unorthodox.
13:44 Unorthodox? It's not like you're courting my brother or something.
13:47 That's me! OK, OK, OK. Let's not lose our heads.
13:50 No offence.
13:52 Fanny, is it not possible that you feel so drawn to that bit of Humphrey
13:57 because he doesn't argue with, judge or upset you?
14:00 What with him not having a head?
14:02 He's got a head. Yeah.
14:04 Look, you can think what you like. I know how I feel.
14:07 I am in love with some of this man.
14:10 I know it. Good for you, girl.
14:12 Hmm. Interesting.
14:25 Most interesting.
14:31 Very interesting.
14:35 Hmm.
14:37 You know what? Honesty's the best policy.
14:45 Pfft! No, no.
14:48 Policy and honesty, two very different things, mate.
14:51 Kisses?
14:53 Just to clear up any confusion...
15:01 I wanted to know there was a typo in my previous email.
15:06 Huh.
15:08 I want you...
15:10 (CLEARS THROAT)
15:12 (LAUGHS)
15:14 You son of a...
15:16 (GRUNTS)
15:18 # That's fun, that's fun, it's fun, it's fun, oh, yeah
15:20 # Oh, yeah, just a cheeky bit of fun
15:22 # It's office J
15:24 Where does he read that?
15:30 This is a wholly inappropriate use of corporate communications.
15:36 This is now a matter that we will need to discuss in person.
15:40 Great. You got me fired. I'm going to get fired.
15:43 You happy now? Hmm? I'm going to get fired!
15:46 Fired? For that?
15:48 Gah! Whatever next?
15:50 No bottom patting?
15:52 Pfft! Honestly.
15:54 # #
15:59 # #
16:04 # #
16:09 # #
16:14 # #
16:19 (GASPS)
16:42 Pfft! Keeps happening.
16:45 It's a sort of cafe-cum-art space, I suppose.
16:48 Well, that's the plan, anyway.
16:50 Coffee and paint, but not in the same cup.
16:53 (LAUGHS)
16:55 The same cup!
16:57 That's a really great idea, yeah.
16:59 And perfect location.
17:01 Were you born near there?
17:03 Oh, no, no. Heavens, no.
17:06 And, I mean, it's just a small space.
17:09 I mean, compared to this, this is...
17:11 No, it's not really.
17:13 Are you kidding? Just look at the size of that cooker!
17:16 It's too hot. Or it's too cold. It's unreliable.
17:19 It's unsafe, probably.
17:21 It's homely, though, isn't it? It's like a real fire.
17:24 I like a real fire.
17:26 Well, she's hot. And sensitive.
17:28 Oh, yes.
17:30 Look at her with her perfect hair and her shiny teeth
17:35 and her flawless skin.
17:37 I far prefer you.
17:39 Cheers.
17:44 If you'd have told me 400 years ago
17:49 that one day I'd be watching my decapitated body
17:51 having an affair with a 60-year-old dead woman,
17:54 I'd have said you were mad.
17:56 And that would be fair enough, mate.
17:59 She does look happy, though.
18:01 I not seen Fanny like it.
18:04 She's right.
18:06 You call me an old romantic,
18:08 but is it not possible that there could be something in this?
18:11 Are you having a laugh?
18:13 I'm just saying, mate, you know, some part of you,
18:16 well, most of you, proportionally speaking,
18:19 feels quite content with the situation.
18:22 And likes it or not, it be that bit which hath the heart.
18:26 I never really knew where I was with him.
18:32 He's a damn fool!
18:34 I'm going to have to get myself back out there.
18:36 Not getting any younger.
18:38 Oh, no. Well, I mean, you're only...
18:41 - 21. - 108.
18:42 What year were you born?
18:44 Damn, it's depressing. I still feel like I'm 25.
18:47 Whereas, of course, in fact, you are.
18:49 I'm holding up OK, I suppose.
18:52 - Got Dad's skin. - Yeah.
18:54 - Looks like we both did. - Yeah.
18:56 Alison!
18:58 Hide her down, debrief. Corridor. Quick as you like.
19:01 I've got to nip to the loo. Yeah.
19:04 I kept my Dad's skin.
19:10 Surveillance briefing, day one.
19:13 The time is, um... I don't have a watch.
19:16 - Do you have the time? - I...
19:18 - It doesn't matter. - OK.
19:19 Present, Alison Cooper and Captain...
19:21 - Great. Just great. - What is it?
19:23 It's my boss. She's here to fire me.
19:25 - What? Not because of... - Yeah.
19:27 Forget what I said earlier.
19:29 That's what will happen. Every time.
19:31 - Come along, then. - No, push it!
19:33 - Oh, boy. - Don't mind me.
19:35 Just borrowing that.
19:37 - Push it! - Do you want this briefing or not?
19:39 Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
19:41 - Yeah, what did you find? - Right.
19:43 Well, for starters, I discovered that she carries,
19:45 secreted about her person, a field telephone.
19:48 Do you mean a mobile?
19:50 Precisely. But that's not all.
19:52 She has this bag. Within that bag is a smaller bag.
19:55 And within that bag, a bag smaller still
19:57 that contains a stick of lipstick stick,
19:59 a tiny mirror and a comb.
20:01 OK, just to save us both a lot of time,
20:03 is the gist of this that you didn't find out anything about her
20:06 of any consequence whatsoever?
20:08 Well, we wouldn't put it quite like that in the intelligence community, but...
20:11 - But great. - Great, great, thank you.
20:13 - Thank you so much for your help. - You're very welcome.
20:15 - Yeah. - Oh, no. I see what you're doing.
20:18 Yeah, very clever. I don't appreciate that tone, Alison.
20:21 Look, if I didn't find anything, then there wasn't anything to find.
20:25 I can assure you nothing gets past me.
20:27 Throughout the entirety of my military career,
20:30 not a single spy ever infiltrated my unit.
20:32 Or loads did, and you just never found them.
20:34 Right, OK, OK, so it can't answer me.
20:36 Well, I'm just going to have to come out and ask her.
20:38 How the hell am I going to do this?
20:40 - Jackie. - Michael.
20:44 Now, before you say anything, can I firstly just apologise?
20:47 - I don't mean... - Michael, stop talking.
20:49 - I feel the same way. - What?
20:52 Come on. No time like the present.
20:55 Right, the thing is, Lucy, is that I need to know if you...
21:03 ..like tea. Would you like some tea?
21:08 - Because I've got a range. - Yeah, if you make me one.
21:11 Right, that's it. Enough putty fussing around. Pussy!
21:14 It's time for you to come clean, young lady.
21:16 - Time to recover. - Well, it's...
21:18 - Have you come in from the cold? - The real question is,
21:21 - are you OK? - Oh, yeah.
21:23 Wie komme ich am besten zum Bahnhof, bitte?
21:26 And feel free to answer in your native tongue.
21:28 - What did you tell her, Captain? - She's not welcome here.
21:31 How dare you insult this gentle-woman's heart?
21:33 - No. - No, I disagree.
21:35 It's more of, like, a legal question, more than...
21:40 - Alison, what's going on? - Sorry.
21:42 No, no, I just thought I could just print them out
21:45 and then I've wound up to send them through.
21:47 Michael?
21:49 Mike, that can wait.
21:52 I think we should talk about us.
21:56 Oh. Well, yes, actually, I think there's been some confusion,
22:00 so I just want to be absolutely clear.
22:02 You've made yourself quite clear.
22:17 Right!
22:19 The thing is...
22:24 So my solicitor has asked me, advised me,
22:29 to confirm your identity and any, well, intentions
22:35 with regards to, well, like, in terms of inheritance on the house.
22:42 What? I don't own your house.
22:45 What? How could you think that?
22:48 I don't want anything from you.
22:51 I found out I had a sister and I wanted that.
22:56 And I thought that you might want that.
22:58 - No, I do. I just... - You know what?
23:00 I think I was better off on my own.
23:03 No, Lucy, wait! I... Lucy...
23:06 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:09 - Your hand... I... I'm married. - Oh, that's fine, don't mind.
23:12 No, no, no, I'm happily married. This is all just a misunderstanding.
23:16 Those emails, they were typos. I've got this annoying keyboard
23:19 and it cut out that line and it added the X and this is really...
23:23 It's not what I meant.
23:25 Really.
23:27 - Oh, not again. - I'm sorry.
23:30 I thought you were coming here to fire me.
23:32 - I could fire you. - What?
23:34 God, I said that out loud! No, no, no, no, of course I wouldn't fire you.
23:37 Not after I... Do... Not that I did.
23:39 Don't tell HR.
23:41 Well, that took a turn. Hang on, surely it's me that would...
23:44 OK, OK, OK, if you promise to keep this strictly between ourselves,
23:47 here's what I can do for you.
23:49 - I'm really sorry. I... Again. - Yeah, you said.
23:54 Are you sure you won't stay? Because we've barely had pudding.
23:57 - Yes, stay, pray, stay. - I think it's better if I just clear my head.
24:01 - Byron? - Take some time, you know.
24:03 No, no, don't go.
24:05 I'm better off without her. No taste, no car.
24:08 No taste, no car.
24:10 Are you wearing lipstick?
24:13 Oh.
24:15 Well, I mean, if you're sure, then sure.
24:19 - I'm sure. - Sure, sure.
24:21 - Call me. - You could rather snafu the mission there, Alison.
24:32 Oh, thanks and sorry.
24:36 - What? - Promoted.
24:38 - What? - Long story.
24:40 - I thought she was staying. - Long story.
24:44 - Is it damson red? - Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
24:48 - Beautiful. - Oh, thanks.
24:51 Like two crimson rivers curling into a turbulent...
24:57 - Oh, God. - ..doubt.
24:59 Knock, knock.
25:02 - Only me. - And me.
25:04 Look, Top of Humphrey, I know you don't approve of...
25:07 Please, just let me speak.
25:10 I can't pretend all this didn't take me by surprise,
25:15 but what do I know about love?
25:17 My marriage ended with me getting my head chopped off,
25:20 so if some part of me likes some part of you,
25:24 then couldn't we all just give this a chance?
25:33 Oh.
25:35 Oh, dear.
25:41 I don't know where we go from here.
25:44 If there's one thing I do know, it's that love...
25:47 - No. - What?
25:49 No, no, that's ruined it for me.
25:51 Oh, and I don't know what I ever saw in her to think there was...
25:54 Oh, no. Oh, out of my way!
25:56 She's back.
26:01 Well, I guess it's just you and me...
26:04 Fair enough.
26:09 Interesting day.
26:11 It's so easy to make assumptions about people,
26:13 and then you find, well, you don't really know them at all.
26:17 Half the time, we don't even know ourselves.
26:20 I suppose that we all have our little secrets.
26:25 Well, good night, old thing.
26:29 Mm.
26:31 (snorting)
26:33 (upbeat music)