Jack and Jill (2011)

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Jack and Jill is a 2011 American comedy film directed by Dennis Dugan from a script by Steve Koren and Adam Sandler. Released on November 11, 2011, by Columbia Pictures, the film stars Sandler in a dual role as twin siblings Jack and Jill Sadelstein, the former a Los Angeles advertising executive being visited for Thanksgiving by the latter from the Bronx. Constantly annoyed by his sister, Jack is horrified to learn that Jill plans to stay after Hanukkah due to an open-ended plane ticket. However, when an agency representing Dunkin' Donuts demands that Jack get Al Pacino (as himself) for a commercial, Pacino develops an interest in Jill, making Jack try to convince her to date the actor despite her disinterest in him. Other stars include Katie Holmes as Jack's wife and Eugenio Derbez as another love interest for Jill, as well as Regis Philbin in his final film appearance.

Transcript

00:00:00 [MUSIC]

00:00:10 [MUSIC]

00:00:20 >> Terrific.

00:00:30 >> And we were born on September 15th, 1989.

00:00:38 >> And she's the older twin.

00:00:40 >> I'm older by ten minutes.

00:00:41 >> Ten minutes. >> Cuz she had an umbilical cord wrapped

00:00:43 around her neck.

00:00:45 And she shoved me in there.

00:00:47 >> I was kicking her in, shoving her more in my mom.

00:00:51 So that's why she came out later.

00:00:53 >> Yeah, she came out the bigger twin too.

00:00:55 >> Well, I came out a pound heavier than Kara.

00:00:58 So that's why I'm an inch taller now.

00:01:00 >> She's always been a pound heavier.

00:01:03 >> No.

00:01:04 >> So yes, love being twins, man.

00:01:06 It's basically like you have a bag of spare parts.

00:01:10 You know what I mean?

00:01:11 It's like I need a kidney down the road, I know he's got one.

00:01:13 So I'm always like, hey, stay healthy, dude, eat right.

00:01:16 >> When we were kids, we had our own secret language that only me and

00:01:20 my brother understood.

00:01:21 [SOUND]

00:01:30 I guess when we were kids, we thought we were whales.

00:01:32 >> Like when things are bad, and we don't really gotta say anything to each other,

00:01:35 we just make these sounds.

00:01:36 It's like [SOUND]

00:01:40 >> So I just graduated from Harvard, and

00:01:42 I'm starting a new job at a law firm in Southern California.

00:01:46 So I'm really happy about that.

00:01:49 >> I got a job at Hooters.

00:01:50 I'm happy too.

00:01:52 Hooters.

00:01:53 >> Being a twin is like being a married couple, and you can't divorce her.

00:01:57 Even like, I mean, I love her when we're together.

00:02:00 Well, actually more so when we're distant.

00:02:02 >> She loves nature like me.

00:02:04 She loves donating her time to charities.

00:02:07 And she loves eating healthy, so that's awesome.

00:02:10 She's my best friend.

00:02:10 >> My best friend is my boyfriend.

00:02:13 [MUSIC]

00:02:23 [MUSIC]

00:02:33 [MUSIC]

00:02:43 [MUSIC]

00:02:53 [MUSIC]

00:03:03 [MUSIC]

00:03:13 [MUSIC]

00:03:23 >> Pepto Bismol, take 43, and action.

00:03:33 >> Please, why do I have to have such diarrhea?

00:03:36 >> You need to drink the pink.

00:03:40 >> Hold it, cut, cut.

00:03:42 >> Jack, Jack, are you watching this?

00:03:45 >> What do you mean cut, man?

00:03:46 I gotta be at Sesame Street by one.

00:03:48 >> Hey, hey, hey, do you really have diarrhea cuz you lost weight or something?

00:03:51 >> Why does the stomach have all the good lines?

00:03:54 Drink the pink, that's funny.

00:03:56 >> I'm sorry, Jack, the Dunkin' Donut people wanna talk to us.

00:03:59 >> Okay, well, I gotta, Regis, it's gonna be fine.

00:04:01 >> Got it.

00:04:02 >> And you'll take care of that.

00:04:03 Thank you very much.

00:04:04 I didn't need that, but cool.

00:04:05 >> I got some bad news.

00:04:07 We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.

00:04:09 >> We may lose, they didn't like our pitches?

00:04:11 >> They want Al Pacino.

00:04:13 >> Al Pacino to do a commercial?

00:04:15 >> Mm-hm.

00:04:16 >> The Godfather Al Pacino.

00:04:17 >> They got this new coffee drink, the Dunkachino.

00:04:20 >> Uh-huh.

00:04:21 >> Dunkachino, Al Pacino, they sound alike.

00:04:23 >> Yes.

00:04:23 >> Well, they think it'll be a home run.

00:04:25 >> Of course it would be a home run.

00:04:26 If he would ever do it, which he won't.

00:04:28 >> Well, never say never.

00:04:29 Remember, you didn't think we'd get Brad Pitt to do that Radio Shack commercial.

00:04:32 >> I was right.

00:04:33 >> Well, you can't be right all the time.

00:04:36 Look, bottom line, they're gonna give us one month to make this whole Pacino thing

00:04:39 happen or they're gonna go elsewhere.

00:04:41 >> We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts, they're our biggest client.

00:04:43 >> Damn it.

00:04:45 >> We're gonna go bankrupt, buddy.

00:04:47 >> And we have 200 employees relying on us.

00:04:49 >> [SOUND]

00:04:51 >> Try to have a good Thanksgiving, okay?

00:04:53 >> Teddy, what do you think?

00:04:55 Would Al Pacino ever do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial?

00:04:57 >> [LAUGH]

00:05:00 >> Yeah.

00:05:02 >> Shut up.

00:05:03 >> Did my wife call?

00:05:04 >> Yeah, you're all set for the cruise.

00:05:05 You guys leave a week after Hanukkah.

00:05:07 >> Okay, all right, there's some good news.

00:05:09 >> Yeah, she converted, right?

00:05:10 That's so cool.

00:05:10 She doesn't look Jewish at all.

00:05:11 >> Wow, that was anti-Semitic.

00:05:15 >> What? No, I just-

00:05:16 >> See, I can say that.

00:05:17 You can't, you're not Jewish.

00:05:19 >> No, but I'm close.

00:05:20 >> What does that mean?

00:05:22 >> I'm an atheist.

00:05:23 >> You're two for two right there.

00:05:25 >> What?

00:05:26 >> Anyways, did my sister say what time she's flying in tomorrow?

00:05:29 >> Yeah, I was supposed to pick her up at noon, but she switched the flight to

00:05:31 earlier, so now she gets in at four in the morning.

00:05:33 >> Why?

00:05:34 >> Something about jet lag.

00:05:36 >> She never listens.

00:05:37 She gains three hours.

00:05:38 Every year she acts like she's flying to New Zealand.

00:05:41 >> She's a freak, man.

00:05:42 >> Yeah, again, you can't say that.

00:05:43 >> No, I-

00:05:45 [SOUND]

00:05:53 >> Honey?

00:05:54 >> Yeah? >> Try complimenting her.

00:05:56 >> Yeah, why?

00:05:58 >> Just avoid fighting.

00:05:59 Just focus on something positive.

00:06:01 Tell Jill that she has nice shoes.

00:06:04 >> Nice shoes, that's good.

00:06:06 That'll work.

00:06:08 >> I love you, honey.

00:06:09 >> I love you too.

00:06:10 And I love my sister.

00:06:11 And I can keep my cool.

00:06:13 It's only four days.

00:06:15 I love my sister.

00:06:16 I love her shoes.

00:06:17 I love my sister.

00:06:18 I love her shoes.

00:06:19 [MUSIC]

00:06:27 >> Well, I just, I can't find him anywhere.

00:06:31 Does he know what terminal it is?

00:06:33 I, okay, okay, I see him.

00:06:37 All right, I'm hanging up.

00:06:39 >> How we doing?

00:06:40 >> Where were you?

00:06:42 I've been waiting forever for you.

00:06:44 This place is creeping me out.

00:06:46 >> Why so many bags?

00:06:46 Is the Knicks traveling with you when it's with us?

00:06:48 >> Mom always said it's better to have it and

00:06:50 not need it than to need it and not have it.

00:06:52 >> Yeah, she did say that.

00:06:53 I remember that.

00:06:54 That was cool.

00:06:55 >> Are you going bald?

00:06:56 >> Huh?

00:06:57 >> No, no, no, no, you're getting fatter, but

00:06:58 your hair doesn't realize it needs to cover more face.

00:07:01 >> Okay. >> Where'd you put the car?

00:07:02 >> You really had to bring your bird?

00:07:05 >> Yeah, she's my best friend.

00:07:06 >> [SQUEAK]

00:07:07 >> Anyways, Joe, I was thinking.

00:07:09 >> Yeah.

00:07:09 >> The house is gonna be very crowded cuz we got the kids and

00:07:12 all the guests are coming by and blah, blah, blah.

00:07:14 So there's this new hotel at Hilton that they just-

00:07:17 >> But I wanna spend time with Sophie

00:07:19 and Gary.

00:07:20 Why do you not want me to stay with you?

00:07:22 >> No, no, no, no, no, of course I want you to stay with me.

00:07:24 I was just saying.

00:07:25 >> Okay, I'll stay with you then.

00:07:27 It's too bad cuz the hotel was starting to sound fun.

00:07:30 >> [SIGH]

00:07:31 >> Why are you doing that?

00:07:32 Why do you sigh so loud?

00:07:34 >> I just really, really love your shoes.

00:07:37 You are so weird.

00:07:38 Isn't he weird, Poopsie?

00:07:40 >> Where were you?

00:07:41 >> [LAUGH] Poopsie gets it.

00:07:44 >> Yeah, Poopsie really gets it.

00:07:47 >> She always did get it.

00:07:49 >> She always loved getting it.

00:07:51 >> And then your dad and I went to the soup kitchen and

00:07:54 they gave us Otto to bring to Thanksgiving dinner this year.

00:07:58 >> Thanks again for having me.

00:07:59 It's very nice.

00:08:01 >> Are you gonna eat dinner with us tonight?

00:08:03 >> Yes, she is, honey.

00:08:04 >> And what about tomorrow night?

00:08:06 >> Tomorrow, Otto's gonna go back home.

00:08:07 Listen, sorry.

00:08:12 >> Sophia, show Otto your karate moves.

00:08:16 >> [SIGH]

00:08:19 >> You know what?

00:08:19 Why don't you go wake up Jill?

00:08:21 >> What?

00:08:21 >> It's 530.

00:08:23 >> She's here.

00:08:23 That's the important thing.

00:08:25 It counts as a day.

00:08:26 So what? She's sleeping.

00:08:27 >> Jack.

00:08:28 >> All right, I'll go check on Jill.

00:08:30 >> Thank you.

00:08:31 >> [SOUND]

00:08:41 >> Jill, wake up.

00:08:48 Okay, stay sleeping, jet lag.

00:08:52 >> My God!

00:08:53 >> My God!

00:08:54 >> [SOUND]

00:08:56 >> See, I live alone.

00:08:58 Poopsie trained to watch out for me.

00:09:01 Don't sneak up like that, all right?

00:09:03 >> Where were you?

00:09:05 >> I don't, come downstairs, the food's ready.

00:09:09 >> Can you just lay down with me for five minutes?

00:09:11 >> I'm not laying down with you, no.

00:09:13 >> Come on, I just want some twin time.

00:09:16 >> I'm a grown man, I'm not laying next to you.

00:09:18 Just have Poopsie lay with you, I don't know.

00:09:21 >> All right, I'll take a bath and

00:09:24 I'll meet you downstairs in an hour.

00:09:27 >> Good looking, how poofy.

00:09:32 >> Don't forget your sweat shadow.

00:09:34 >> What?

00:09:35 >> All right, just take your bath and all that stuff and

00:09:38 then burn those sheets.

00:09:39 >> [LAUGH]

00:09:43 >> Hey guys.

00:09:44 >> Jill, you look amazing.

00:09:48 >> Macy's Marshalls.

00:09:51 Hey, where am I sitting?

00:09:52 >> What do you mean?

00:09:53 >> Cuz usually I sit next to you, so all of a sudden I'm not gonna sit here.

00:09:57 >> I thought you could sit down here.

00:10:01 >> I always sit next to Jack, is there a reason for moving?

00:10:04 >> No.

00:10:05 >> Jill, if you'd like you could sit here, I'd be happy to move.

00:10:07 >> That's okay, you're fine if you wanna, do you wanna sit here?

00:10:12 >> I don't know.

00:10:13 >> Okay, you just sit in my chair, how's that?

00:10:17 >> There you go.

00:10:18 >> Gary, is that you?

00:10:20 >> Yes, it is.

00:10:21 >> Look how handsome you are.

00:10:22 >> Thank you.

00:10:23 >> It's so nice to see you, look at this leaf, look at this.

00:10:26 You have a tape on you, that's so cute, why does he do that?

00:10:30 >> He likes tape.

00:10:31 >> Hey, Sophie, is that you or is that you?

00:10:34 >> [LAUGH]

00:10:35 >> Good to see you, Erin.

00:10:37 >> Good to see you, Jill.

00:10:39 >> This looks amazing, you got a new chandelier?

00:10:42 >> Yeah, yeah.

00:10:43 >> I love the old one.

00:10:45 >> So, how's everybody's gobble gobble day?

00:10:49 >> Great.

00:10:50 >> Excellent.

00:10:51 >> By the way, Jill, this is Otto, Otto.

00:10:55 >> Nice to meet you.

00:10:56 >> Nice to meet you.

00:10:59 >> He's homeless, right?

00:11:02 He seems clean, but you should put one of those toilet seat protectors

00:11:06 underneath him to make sure he doesn't ruin the chair.

00:11:10 >> Are you whispering with a bullhorn or something?

00:11:13 Everybody hears you.

00:11:14 >> No, they can't, Mr. Hearing Expert.

00:11:20 >> So?

00:11:21 >> Pass that down, Dad.

00:11:22 >> I'm allowed out here once a year, so I tend to miss things.

00:11:24 What's going on, anything new?

00:11:26 >> Well, Sophie just got her green belt in karate.

00:11:30 >> How come I didn't know about this?

00:11:33 I didn't even know she did karate.

00:11:35 I mean, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone right now.

00:11:39 I'm like Jimmy Stewart at the end of that movie, the one with,

00:11:43 they live in Pottersville, what is that movie called?

00:11:46 >> It's a Wonderful Life?

00:11:48 >> No, no, with Jimmy Stewart, the one where he meets the angel and he's mad.

00:11:52 >> It's a Wonderful Life.

00:11:54 >> Why do you keep saying that?

00:11:56 No, the one where he falls in the pool and he sings Buffalo Gown.

00:12:01 He gets all the money at the end and he finds out that his life really is wonderful.

00:12:06 >> Star Wars.

00:12:07 >> They play it every Christmas.

00:12:10 You must have saw it before Jack made you convert.

00:12:13 >> What? What are you doing right now?

00:12:14 >> Your brother didn't make me do anything, Jill.

00:12:17 Everyone has to be like Jack over here, even poor Gary.

00:12:20 >> What does that mean?

00:12:23 >> You made him switch from being Indian.

00:12:25 >> What is wrong with you?

00:12:26 We adopted him when he was ten days old.

00:12:28 >> This is all he knows.

00:12:29 >> Did you ever think maybe he tapes things to himself

00:12:33 because he doesn't feel connected, you know, to his real parents?

00:12:38 That was very smart.

00:12:39 I just thought of that, isn't it?

00:12:40 That was interesting.

00:12:41 >> And Jill?

00:12:42 >> Yes, Sophia.

00:12:43 >> Yes, Sophie.

00:12:44 >> Do you and Daddy have twin powers?

00:12:47 >> What's this?

00:12:47 What's this?

00:12:48 What's this?

00:12:48 >> It's this thing we saw in 60 Minutes.

00:12:51 Some twins have strange powers and they can feel when the other ones hurt.

00:12:55 >> Oh, Jack and I can do that.

00:12:58 Why? Why are you making the face?

00:13:00 When we were kids, you felt it when I broke my ankle.

00:13:04 >> I felt it because you fell on my head.

00:13:06 >> You like that one?

00:13:08 >> Yes.

00:13:08 >> All right, good.

00:13:09 >> Oh, please.

00:13:10 Tell me you don't feel this.

00:13:13 >> I didn't feel it.

00:13:14 Maybe if you did it harder.

00:13:17 >> A little harder.

00:13:19 >> No, Jill, stop it.

00:13:20 He's kidding.

00:13:22 >> What?

00:13:23 >> Oh!

00:13:24 >> Oh!

00:13:25 >> Don't do it.

00:13:26 >> Jill, are you okay?

00:13:27 >> Yeah, no, I'm fine.

00:13:28 I mean, that was even 100% connected.

00:13:31 >> Feel that, Daddy?

00:13:32 >> I actually did feel something there.

00:13:34 Pride in my son.

00:13:35 >> Oh, you stop it already.

00:13:37 These sweet potatoes, these soft.

00:13:40 I'm so sick of that.

00:13:42 Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected?

00:13:46 Face it.

00:13:47 We shared mom's womb.

00:13:49 We were roommates.

00:13:50 >> Oh, that is just disgusting.

00:13:53 >> I have an idea.

00:13:54 On the show there were these twins and they finished each other's sentences.

00:13:57 Jack, maybe you could start a sentence and Jill, you could finish it.

00:13:59 >> No, no.

00:14:00 >> Come on, Daddy, please, please.

00:14:03 >> Ready to receive mental images.

00:14:05 >> Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

00:14:07 >> Will you stop?

00:14:08 You're scaring him.

00:14:09 It's just noises she's making.

00:14:11 Okay, ready?

00:14:12 >> Yes.

00:14:13 >> I'm very tired.

00:14:16 So I'm going to go to the supermarket.

00:14:21 No, I'm going to sleep.

00:14:23 Why would I go to the supermarket if I was tired?

00:14:26 >> That's what I would do.

00:14:27 The cold air always wakes you up.

00:14:28 Isn't it nice when you get over the frozen food section?

00:14:32 >> God bless you.

00:14:33 >> God bless you.

00:14:34 I finished your sentence.

00:14:35 Got you, Pagogo.

00:14:37 >> What's Pagogo?

00:14:39 Oh, it's a name that Aunt Jill used to call your dad when they were growing up.

00:14:43 >> I was Pokey and your father was Pagogo.

00:14:46 We had our own secret language.

00:14:49 Oog-mah-ga-do-do, Pagogo.

00:14:52 >> I have no idea what those words mean, nor have I ever known what those words meant.

00:14:56 >> You do know what they mean and you're lying right now.

00:14:58 Oog-mah-ga-do-do means I love you.

00:15:01 Bongy means thank you.

00:15:02 Clapa means left.

00:15:04 >> Hey, do you remember what laki-maki-coco means?

00:15:07 >> What does it mean again?

00:15:09 >> Jack, don't.

00:15:10 >> It means I can't stand you being here.

00:15:16 >> This is really awkward.

00:15:17 I'm going to go.

00:15:19 >> Dessert is coming.

00:15:21 >> I'm full.

00:15:23 >> Okay.

00:15:24 >> I love how nice we are to this homeless man, a person we don't even know,

00:15:28 who probably is pretending to be homeless.

00:15:30 >> You're not homeless to me, you're fat!

00:15:32 You're all kind of!

00:15:35 >> Sophia, why don't you go upstairs?

00:15:37 >> Mom, this is my favorite part of Thanksgiving.

00:15:39 >> You know what?

00:15:40 I'm leaving.

00:15:41 I'm leaving.

00:15:42 That's it.

00:15:43 I'm going.

00:15:44 I'm going.

00:15:45 I hope you're happy.

00:15:46 >> I'm sleeping out here in the woods.

00:15:48 At least the animals will be nice.

00:15:50 Oh!

00:15:52 You're turning the kids against me.

00:15:54 >> Are you all right?

00:15:56 >> No, see, the kids love you.

00:15:58 >> Why did I love them?

00:15:59 That's the only reason I come back here every year.

00:16:02 >> Jack, apologize.

00:16:04 >> I'm sorry that you make everybody uncomfortable.

00:16:07 I really am.

00:16:08 >> Jack.

00:16:09 >> All right, I'm sorry about what I said back there.

00:16:12 I didn't mean it.

00:16:13 I love you.

00:16:14 >> I just feel abandoned.

00:16:15 I'm all alone in the Bronx.

00:16:17 I don't have any family with me anymore.

00:16:19 >> We didn't abandon you.

00:16:20 I told you, you can Skype us any time you want.

00:16:22 >> I don't even know what that means.

00:16:24 What is Skype?

00:16:25 It sounds anti-Semitic.

00:16:26 What is it?

00:16:27 >> It's just this Internet thing.

00:16:29 >> I don't get that!

00:16:30 You know I don't have a calculator.

00:16:33 >> Oh, God.

00:16:34 >> You know what?

00:16:35 Our home is your home.

00:16:36 So let's go back.

00:16:37 I have some ice cream.

00:16:39 >> I don't know, Erin.

00:16:40 I'm too upset.

00:16:41 I can't eat right now.

00:16:42 What flavor?

00:16:43 >> Chocolate.

00:16:44 >> Oh, you have maple walnut?

00:16:45 I don't like chocolate.

00:16:47 >> I didn't know you liked maple walnut.

00:16:48 >> Hang in there, brother.

00:16:49 >> Bogan!

00:16:51 >> She's only here until Sunday.

00:16:54 >> What is done cannot now be amended!

00:16:56 >> Yeah, Ted, I'm looking at it right now.

00:16:58 So this was two nights ago.

00:17:00 >> If I did take the kingdom from your sons to make amends, I

00:17:08 give it to your daughter.

00:17:12 Will you get that?

00:17:14 >> Whoa.

00:17:15 >> You have a phone in your hand.

00:17:17 You are told before the play starts not to have it ring

00:17:23 shut all cell phones off.

00:17:26 This is what the man said.

00:17:28 >> Yeah, this guy is going to do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial.

00:17:31 >> This has got to stop.

00:17:33 I'm losing my mind.

00:17:34 Help me.

00:17:36 Where am I?

00:17:37 Thank you.

00:17:38 Thank you all for coming.

00:17:40 >> Yeah.

00:17:41 How do you know Pacino is going to a Laker game?

00:17:44 Yeah, get the tickets, but how am I even going to get near the

00:17:47 guy?

00:17:48 He's going to have security or something.

00:17:50 I'm not telling my wife to wear something trashy.

00:17:52 It would save our company.

00:17:54 Unless she wants to.

00:17:55 That's her thing.

00:17:56 I'm hanging up the phone.

00:17:58 Goodbye.

00:17:59 Excuse me, Mrs.

00:18:02 Seren.

00:18:03 The magnolia branch in the backyard could fall off any time.

00:18:06 I don't want anyone to get hurt.

00:18:08 Should I take it down now?

00:18:10 >> Sure, whatever you think.

00:18:12 Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

00:18:14 >> Yeah, I had the whole family come over.

00:18:17 Even my young Rosa snuck across the border.

00:18:20 >> I'm kidding.

00:18:22 Who are you?

00:18:24 Are you a gardener or something?

00:18:26 >> No, I don't just do gardening.

00:18:28 I do impressions, too.

00:18:30 When immigration shows up, I do a great impression of a tree.

00:18:36 >> I'm kidding.

00:18:38 >> Oh, strong.

00:18:40 All right.

00:18:41 Jay Leno better watch his back.

00:18:43 You know it.

00:18:44 >> Nice to meet you, senorita.

00:18:46 >> Okay, nice to meet you.

00:18:48 >> What are you doing?

00:18:50 >> What is his problem?

00:18:52 Oh, oh, Jack, Jack, Jack.

00:18:54 I put a little list together of things I want to do before I leave.

00:18:58 >> Oh, my God.

00:18:59 I got to touch that?

00:19:01 >> Yeah.

00:19:02 >> Studio tour, beach, horseback riding, get on a game show.

00:19:07 >> You can't get through all this stuff.

00:19:09 You're leaving Sunday.

00:19:11 >> I don't know.

00:19:12 >> What do you mean you don't know?

00:19:14 You know.

00:19:15 >> I just wanted to have fun out here, and, you know, we fought last night.

00:19:19 I feel really weird leaving like that.

00:19:21 >> What do you mean?

00:19:22 It was a great night.

00:19:23 We ate food.

00:19:24 We ran in the woods.

00:19:25 It was fun.

00:19:26 >> I just -- maybe I should stay out through Hanukkah.

00:19:29 Mom's gone now, so there's really nothing for me to go back to.

00:19:33 >> Stay there.

00:19:34 >> She can't stay because your airline ticket.

00:19:36 It's like the busiest time of year.

00:19:38 We'll never get your return flight.

00:19:40 That's why I used my twin hunch in knowing that we would fight, and I have an open-ended ticket.

00:19:46 >> Hanukkah!

00:19:47 Hanukkah!

00:19:48 Hanukkah!

00:19:49 Hanukkah!

00:19:50 [ Music ]

00:19:54 >> He's going to be mad.

00:19:55 I don't know where we parked the car.

00:19:57 >> I don't know.

00:19:59 >> I just want to go on with them because they look good.

00:20:01 I know if I was riding with them, they would -- I know you say I weigh too much, but I don't think I do.

00:20:06 >> Whoa!

00:20:07 Whoa!

00:20:08 Whoa!

00:20:09 >> Okay, I'm ready.

00:20:10 Let's go.

00:20:11 >> Oh, my God!

00:20:13 >> Oh, God!

00:20:14 >> Look at him.

00:20:15 >> I'm sorry.

00:20:16 I weigh too much.

00:20:17 You were right.

00:20:18 >> We will, we will, we will, we will.

00:20:21 >> Gary.

00:20:23 >> At least put a helmet on that thing.

00:20:25 [ Music ]

00:20:40 >> What are you doing?

00:20:42 >> Why can't I just lay with you?

00:20:45 >> You're a weirdo.

00:20:47 >> All right, welcome back to "The Price is Right."

00:20:50 Let's find out who's next.

00:20:52 Will Sadlestein, come on down!

00:20:55 You're the next contestant on "The Price is Right."

00:20:59 >> All right, Joe, go ahead and spin the wheel whenever you're ready.

00:21:01 >> You are the best, Drew.

00:21:02 This is awesome, guys.

00:21:04 Are you married or not?

00:21:06 >> No.

00:21:07 Go ahead.

00:21:08 >> Woo-hoo!

00:21:09 >> Go ahead and spin the wheel.

00:21:11 >> I don't because I know once I spin it, I don't get to be near you anymore.

00:21:14 >> All right.

00:21:16 >> All right.

00:21:17 Gary Sofie, come on, guys.

00:21:19 $1.

00:21:20 $1 is the winner.

00:21:21 >> Good luck to you.

00:21:22 >> Woo!

00:21:23 [ Laughter ]

00:21:25 >> I never saw that before.

00:21:27 Hey, let's give her a bunch of prizes.

00:21:29 We'll be right back right after this.

00:21:30 Don't go away.

00:21:31 [ Music ]

00:21:34 >> It's damn good.

00:21:36 And when I hit the floor, that's when I really went out.

00:21:39 But when I came, too, it was good.

00:21:41 They had prizes for me.

00:21:43 >> Say hello to my little friend.

00:21:45 [ Explosion ]

00:21:53 >> What is she doing now?

00:21:55 [ Indistinct shouting ]

00:22:02 >> Please don't destroy my pool.

00:22:04 >> Shut it down.

00:22:05 [ Explosion ]

00:22:07 [ Screaming ]

00:22:09 [ Laughter ]

00:22:13 >> Ow, my head!

00:22:15 [ Music ]

00:22:26 >> But it's such a waste.

00:22:27 A full moon, an empty yacht, I'll throw up.

00:22:30 I'll be.

00:22:31 Eat that, you bison.

00:22:33 Who?

00:22:34 >> About the road, Hal?

00:22:36 >> All right.

00:22:37 >> They have a Cuban band in the barry.

00:22:39 Let's go there.

00:22:40 [ Indistinct shouting ]

00:22:47 >> Daddy?

00:22:49 Until I saw a like.

00:22:52 >> We are nothing alike, I promise you.

00:22:56 [ Laughter ]

00:23:06 >> I'm not quite sure.

00:23:10 You try it again.

00:23:12 [ Laughter ]

00:23:20 >> Just watch the ball.

00:23:22 >> I got a funny sensation in my toe.

00:23:26 Like someone was barbecuing them over a slope.

00:23:30 [ Music ]

00:23:36 >> I think you're on the phone.

00:23:39 >> I must be.

00:23:40 The glasses are beginning to steam up.

00:23:43 [ Music ]

00:23:47 [ Telephone ringing ]

00:23:54 >> Hello?

00:23:55 >> Shh.

00:23:56 >> Mrs. Applebaum!

00:23:57 >> Aye.

00:23:58 >> It wasn't an emergency.

00:24:00 I wanted to see how my plants were doing.

00:24:03 >> Please stop talking.

00:24:04 >> Okay.

00:24:05 And you turn the heat off?

00:24:07 All the way off the --

00:24:08 >> Jill!

00:24:09 >> Yeah, I can't hear.

00:24:10 I'm trying to -- I'm on the phone.

00:24:12 >> Well, get off the phone, you psycho!

00:24:17 No, no, don't cry.

00:24:19 Don't run away.

00:24:20 Don't go in the woods.

00:24:22 >> I can't believe it, man.

00:24:24 >> Hey!

00:24:25 It's the last night of Hanukkah!

00:24:28 Come on already!

00:24:29 It's happy time!

00:24:30 >> Dude, way to yell at a chick.

00:24:32 That's awesome.

00:24:33 >> That was a chick?

00:24:34 >> That was a chick.

00:24:35 [ Background noise ]

00:24:38 >> Hey, hey, I can do it!

00:24:41 I can do it!

00:24:42 I can do it!

00:24:43 It's not right!

00:24:44 Hey, I can do it!

00:24:46 >> It's okay!

00:24:47 >> You go faster!

00:24:48 I'm getting it harder!

00:24:50 >> She's crazy.

00:24:51 She's crazy.

00:24:52 She's never leaving.

00:24:53 >> Well, she was going to leave until you called her psycho.

00:24:56 >> She's forwarding her mail to us now!

00:24:59 Highlights magazine!

00:25:00 Birdie magazine!

00:25:02 Adjust to poopsie!

00:25:03 >> Okay, okay.

00:25:04 Did you ever think that maybe she's lonely and she needs

00:25:07 someone to get her through the holidays?

00:25:09 >> She needs a guy.

00:25:11 She needs a guy!

00:25:12 >> No, no, no.

00:25:13 >> If we don't get her a guy by New Year's, she's going to

00:25:15 come on the cruise ship with us.

00:25:17 We'll be locked in a boat for seven days!

00:25:19 I'll kill myself!

00:25:20 >> Do not get involved in her love life.

00:25:22 >> Angel, why don't you have any kids?

00:25:24 >> Gary, did you make your bed this morning?

00:25:26 >> It's okay, Eric.

00:25:27 You don't have to.

00:25:28 I can tell him.

00:25:29 Gary, I have all the equipment, and it seems to be

00:25:32 functioning well.

00:25:33 I get a little reminder every 30 days or so.

00:25:36 But the point is, Gary, I was never married.

00:25:40 >> Why?

00:25:41 >> Well, everyone loved your father.

00:25:43 He was more of a gadfly.

00:25:46 Me, I kept to myself.

00:25:48 Made sure grandma and grandpa were okay.

00:25:50 >> But everybody loves Angel just as much as daddy.

00:25:53 >> Or more.

00:25:54 >> Don't say that.

00:25:56 Your father, he might act tough, but he has thin skin.

00:25:59 It hurt his feelings.

00:26:01 >> Angel, did you date boys?

00:26:03 >> I liked boys.

00:26:04 They just, they never liked me back.

00:26:07 >> My friend Mimi's mom dates boys.

00:26:09 She made sounds like computer.

00:26:11 >> Oh, I've heard of this.

00:26:12 Now, I would do that.

00:26:13 It's just I don't know how to use a computer or a radar or a

00:26:17 robot or whatever.

00:26:18 >> Well, let's show her!

00:26:19 >> Jack.

00:26:20 >> No, no, no.

00:26:21 Sophie's the one who brought it up.

00:26:23 It's her.

00:26:24 She did it.

00:26:25 >> I would do it.

00:26:26 I mean, what the heck.

00:26:27 No biggie.

00:26:28 Let's go for it.

00:26:29 >> I need a man!

00:26:30 >> So many to choose from.

00:26:32 Match.com.

00:26:33 >> That's a good one.

00:26:34 >> E-harmony, I've heard of.

00:26:36 They have commercials.

00:26:37 My soulmate.net.

00:26:39 I like that because I got a little soul.

00:26:43 >> Okay.

00:26:44 >> It says to press here to register for your perfect

00:26:48 soulmate.

00:26:49 >> Not like that.

00:26:51 No, like this.

00:26:53 >> What are you, a computer wiz?

00:26:55 You would think he'd be the genius being from India.

00:26:58 >> No, India's really amazing lately.

00:27:01 They're just leading the pack.

00:27:03 I read in "Time" magazine they're number one, China's

00:27:05 number two, the Jews, we're back to number three.

00:27:08 >> Four is Germany.

00:27:09 Let's watch out, everyone.

00:27:10 >> All right.

00:27:11 You've got to pick a user name, Jill.

00:27:13 Just do that.

00:27:14 >> A user name?

00:27:15 How about Manolo?

00:27:16 He can use me any time he wants to.

00:27:19 Just kidding.

00:27:20 I hope you didn't understand that.

00:27:22 It's a little risque for your age.

00:27:24 >> Now you load your profile picture that Sophie took of

00:27:26 you.

00:27:27 >> Can't wait to see this.

00:27:29 >> My picture is embarrassing.

00:27:30 Put it up.

00:27:35 >> Is it too vava-voo, mission?

00:27:38 >> No, it's very natural.

00:27:40 >> Maybe I should have gone with peanut butter and

00:27:42 chocolate.

00:27:43 >> I like it.

00:27:44 Forget it.

00:27:45 I'm committing to it.

00:27:46 >> If somebody likes me, the little envelope thing will be

00:27:48 blinking?

00:27:49 >> I love this so much.

00:27:51 I crave this.

00:27:53 Family time.

00:27:54 It's why you have a family.

00:28:00 >> A ham this good only comes once a generation.

00:28:03 Like me.

00:28:04 I give this ham four rings.

00:28:07 That's a hell of a good ham right there.

00:28:10 >> Whose idea was the wig?

00:28:12 >> That was his choice.

00:28:14 >> I think it's great that Shaq doesn't look like Shaq at all.

00:28:17 He looks like al Sharpton on hgh.

00:28:21 Turn the tv off.

00:28:23 So how long does it take to get a response on one of those

00:28:26 computer dating things?

00:28:27 I'm new to this.

00:28:28 >> It can take a day, it can take a week.

00:28:30 You know what I mean?

00:28:31 For someone like her.

00:28:33 >> What was that?

00:28:34 Why did you say like her?

00:28:36 >> Someone like her, like in her 40s, still single, you know

00:28:40 what I mean?

00:28:41 Incredibly homely.

00:28:42 >> Wow, you hate your job, don't you?

00:28:44 >> No, I only said that because you said that one time.

00:28:47 >> I can say that because I'm her twin.

00:28:49 >> Hey, Jack, we got to make that Pacino thing happen.

00:28:52 Everybody is really nervous around here.

00:28:54 >> I know, I know.

00:28:55 >> What's this about a twin?

00:28:57 >> Jackie has a twin sister.

00:28:58 >> Are you kidding me?

00:28:59 You never told me you had a twin sister?

00:29:01 >> I mean, she's --

00:29:02 >> Identical or fraternal?

00:29:04 >> Nocturnal, like a bat.

00:29:07 >> Really?

00:29:09 >> I'll pack my stuff up then.

00:29:11 [car driving by]

00:29:18 >> What are we doing in here?

00:29:27 >> Hey, what happened?

00:29:29 >> I think he'll check to see if any boys like the blinking

00:29:32 thing ever blinked.

00:29:34 >> Oh, that's awful.

00:29:36 >> If people could only see how good she can open a pickle jar.

00:29:40 >> Yeah, I know, you're right.

00:29:42 Okay, I'll see you guys soon.

00:29:52 Okay, where do I find desperate guys?

00:29:55 Twitter, Max and Craig's list.

00:30:01 Oh, yeah, casual encounters.

00:30:04 All right, savages, get ready.

00:30:07 Anyone wanting to meet a nice -- no, I need someone immediately,

00:30:11 not nice.

00:30:14 Anyone wanting to meet a sexy gymnast model?

00:30:22 I can't lie so much.

00:30:27 A hot -- that works.

00:30:35 Crazy.

00:30:40 >> Hey!

00:30:42 >> Personal masseuse.

00:30:44 >> Oh, I pull really hard.

00:30:46 Watch your mother, she's going to have relief.

00:30:49 What happened, is she sleeping or something?

00:30:51 >> Knockout.

00:30:53 >> $1 the winner.

00:30:55 >> Good luck to you.

00:30:59 >> For the night of your life, go to Manilow@mysoulmate.net.

00:31:10 Oh, man, I'm really throwing her to the wolves.

00:31:13 But it has to be done.

00:31:17 >> Wow.

00:31:19 >> We're not going to tell anyone about this, are we?

00:31:21 >> We are.

00:31:22 >> Where were you?

00:31:23 >> I trust you can keep a secret, kid.

00:31:26 >> You guys, you guys, are you sitting down?

00:31:30 I got over 100 responses on the computer!

00:31:33 >> Whoa!

00:31:35 Look at Miss Popular all of a sudden.

00:31:37 >> I mean, some of them are weirdos, but some of them are so nice.

00:31:41 I wrote one guy back, and we're going out tonight!

00:31:44 Oh, my gosh!

00:31:45 >> I love it!

00:31:47 >> Oh, my gosh!

00:31:48 >> Yeah!

00:31:49 >> I'm so scared, I don't know what I'm going to wear.

00:31:52 >> Oh, I'll help you, I'll help you.

00:31:54 >> I'm freaking out, I feel like Julia Roberts in that movie.

00:31:57 >> Pretty Woman.

00:31:58 >> No, no, no, the one where she's a hooker, what's the name of that work?

00:32:01 >> Uh, Pretty Woman?

00:32:02 >> No, no, no, why are you saying that?

00:32:03 No, the other one!

00:32:07 >> What's she going to wear?

00:32:09 >> What are you going to wear, Daddy?

00:32:11 In hell.

00:32:14 >> Shut up.

00:32:16 >> This is like waiting for the queen.

00:32:18 >> Yeah, yeah, well, let's see what's taking us along.

00:32:20 Go up there, speed her along, come on, go, go, go.

00:32:24 >> I'm answering it!

00:32:26 >> Fun Bucket's here!

00:32:28 >> Fun Bucket?

00:32:29 >> No, I'm not ready!

00:32:30 No, I'm not home!

00:32:31 >> She'll be right down.

00:32:32 >> No, no, no, no, it won't fit, it won't fit!

00:32:36 >> Hey.

00:32:38 >> You Fun Bucket?

00:32:39 >> Yeah, that's me.

00:32:40 >> You don't look like a Fun Bucket.

00:32:42 I was picturing someone more fun or bucket-y.

00:32:46 >> You're not the crazy hot masseuse, are you?

00:32:48 I want you to tell me right up front, because if you are, I'm not paying for dinner.

00:32:51 Come here.

00:32:53 You mention Craigslist to her or do anything that hurts her, I will stick my foot--

00:32:57 >> Fun Bucket?

00:32:59 >> Manilow?

00:33:01 [music]

00:33:07 >> Somewhere in the night we will know

00:33:13 everything lovers can know

00:33:18 you're my song

00:33:22 music to magic to end

00:33:27 I'll play you over and over

00:33:31 >> Oh, yeah, you know what?

00:33:33 I'll be up front with you.

00:33:35 I live in the Bronx, and I don't have any children.

00:33:38 In all honesty, the clock's ticking, so if dinner works, we gotta get to work.

00:33:42 I'm kidding you.

00:33:43 I just said that because I'm very nervous right now, and I just keep talking so much.

00:33:47 My mouth is moving.

00:33:48 I don't even realize how much it's moving.

00:33:51 I'm not even feeling it.

00:33:53 It's cottony.

00:33:54 So is this your first date on mysoulmate.net?

00:33:57 >> Yes.

00:33:59 Assuming that's really happening and not some sort of terrifying nightmare.

00:34:04 >> I know.

00:34:05 What do you do for a living?

00:34:06 Don't tell me.

00:34:07 I don't want you--I want to play 20 questions.

00:34:09 Remember that game when we were little, 20 questions?

00:34:11 Okay, first question.

00:34:12 Animal, mineral--

00:34:13 >> I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

00:34:14 >> Okay.

00:34:17 See you.

00:34:23 >> Um, should I take away your salads?

00:34:26 >> Oh, I think he's just waiting for his to cool off, so we'll just--just a few more minutes, and thank you.

00:34:38 Hello?

00:34:40 Hello?

00:34:44 Fun bucket.

00:34:47 Fun bucket?

00:34:51 Hello?

00:35:02 He must have gone out to get the mare.

00:35:15 >> Good job.

00:35:18 >> You're alive!

00:35:19 >> How'd it go?

00:35:20 >> Oh, it was--it was fine.

00:35:23 >> He didn't try anything funny with you, did he?

00:35:25 >> No, no.

00:35:26 >> Does he want to go out again?

00:35:28 >> Is he a prince?

00:35:29 >> Are you his princess?

00:35:30 >> Did he ask for your number?

00:35:32 >> Did he kiss you goodnight?

00:35:33 >> Oh, will you just stop it already?

00:35:35 It was just a date!

00:35:37 Why do you put so much pressure on me?

00:35:41 Why are there so many stairs?

00:35:44 I miss your old chandelier!

00:35:46 No one's ever gonna love me!

00:35:48 I'm a loser!

00:35:50 Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.

00:35:53 >> Why?

00:35:54 Why are you an idiot?

00:35:57 >> Busted, disgusted, never to be trusted.

00:36:05 >> Hi, Jill.

00:36:07 It's okay.

00:36:09 We've all had bad dates.

00:36:11 >> Whatever.

00:36:12 He was such a--I thought he was cool for a second.

00:36:16 >> Jack feels like you deserve to go out with a guy who treats you right.

00:36:20 So guess who is taking you to the Lakers game tomorrow night?

00:36:24 >> Halfing it's 23 from the computer.

00:36:27 >> Actually, I'm your date.

00:36:30 >> I love that, Pagogo!

00:36:33 Oog-mog-a-doe-doe!

00:36:34 This sounds great!

00:36:36 Finally some twin time!

00:36:38 >> Oh, Polly-Wolly-Zoom-golly-golly.

00:36:41 >> That means I want to choke on my own vomit.

00:36:44 >> Does it?

00:36:45 I'm a little rusty.

00:36:46 I don't remember everything.

00:36:48 [music]

00:36:58 >> Oh, my God, look at these guys.

00:37:00 They're huge!

00:37:01 They're too big.

00:37:02 It's freaky.

00:37:03 It's weird.

00:37:04 >> Stop it.

00:37:05 >> Where do they buy pants?

00:37:07 >> Just please keep walking.

00:37:08 I'm sorry.

00:37:09 >> Nuclear power plant big.

00:37:11 That's big.

00:37:13 >> John, we're so close here.

00:37:15 >> Hey.

00:37:16 >> We got us in the game.

00:37:18 >> What's going on with the beer?

00:37:21 >> I'm doing research.

00:37:22 I don't want to be recognized, okay?

00:37:24 [cheers and applause]

00:37:41 >> Don't go nuts, but I'm going to try and talk to Al Pacino.

00:37:45 >> Al Pacino, the movie actor?

00:37:47 >> Yes, yes.

00:37:48 Stay calm.

00:37:49 >> What do you think people are thinking here, that I'm sitting with my rabbi?

00:37:52 >> Hey, guys, big game tonight.

00:37:54 >> Yeah.

00:37:55 >> How you doing, Johnny?

00:37:56 Huge fan.

00:37:57 >> Good to see you.

00:37:58 Thank you.

00:37:59 >> Mr. Pacino, I actually met you one time at a movie premiere.

00:38:06 >> He's thirsty.

00:38:08 >> Okay.

00:38:09 It was cats and dogs three, and we were sitting in the same row, and one of your kids knocked

00:38:14 out your popcorn, and I gave you mine, and you called me popcorn the rest of the night.

00:38:18 >> Popcorn?

00:38:19 >> Yes.

00:38:20 >> Yeah, nice to see you again.

00:38:22 >> Hey, what's with the beard?

00:38:23 You look a little like bin Laden.

00:38:25 >> I was kind of thinking Castro myself.

00:38:27 >> No, no, it's like the cork drops guy, the Smith brothers.

00:38:31 >> Who's that?

00:38:32 Is that your wife?

00:38:33 >> No, no, no, that's my sister, Jill.

00:38:35 She's in from the Bronx.

00:38:36 >> Hey, Al, do you think you'd ever --

00:38:38 >> What's that?

00:38:39 >> You're from the Bronx?

00:38:41 >> Yeah, born and bred.

00:38:42 Throgs Neck, the nice part.

00:38:43 >> Al, I got a question for you, and I know it's a long shot.

00:38:46 >> Well, I'm from the Bronx.

00:38:47 >> Okay.

00:38:48 >> Did you know that?

00:38:49 >> Yeah, to be honest, I don't know much about you.

00:38:50 I haven't seen a lot of your movies, but I hear you're very serious.

00:38:53 >> Well, you know.

00:38:54 >> Okay.

00:38:55 Hey, is Ryan Seacrest here?

00:38:56 Have you seen him?

00:38:57 Do you know him?

00:38:58 >> I'm sorry, who, Crest?

00:38:59 >> Al.

00:39:00 >> Would you ever consider doing a --

00:39:01 >> Who was your friend?

00:39:02 Was he in Duran Duran?

00:39:03 Were you in Duran Duran?

00:39:04 >> Yes.

00:39:05 Yes, I was.

00:39:07 So tell me, how long are you going to be in L.A.?

00:39:09 >> Oh, my God.

00:39:10 Is that John Stamos?

00:39:11 >> Who?

00:39:12 >> Pagogo, Pagogo, let's go before he gets away.

00:39:14 I want to see him up close, please.

00:39:16 >> So, Al, I'm going to get ahold of the agent, if that's cool.

00:39:18 >> Time for play ball.

00:39:23 >> When did the marching band come out?

00:39:25 >> That's not going to happen.

00:39:26 >> No?

00:39:27 >> Here we go.

00:39:28 Here we go.

00:39:31 >> Here we go.

00:39:41 >> Here we go.

00:39:49 >> Compliments of Mr. Pacino.

00:39:51 >> What?

00:39:59 >> I can't believe this.

00:40:01 This is insane, man.

00:40:02 You got to call him.

00:40:03 >> Oh, cool your buns.

00:40:04 You know I'm still hurting from the whole fun bucket fiasco.

00:40:07 >> No, but Pacino liked you.

00:40:09 I swear to God, he really liked you.

00:40:11 >> Oh, will you stop, Reddy?

00:40:13 You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister.

00:40:15 >> Joe, will you just do this for me?

00:40:17 >> You know, maybe I'll be ready to date again in a few weeks.

00:40:21 We'll sit and talk about it on New Year's.

00:40:28 >> New Year's?

00:40:29 But you're not going to be here on New Year's because that's after our birthday, which is when you're leaving.

00:40:34 >> I guess so.

00:40:36 >> So if New Year's comes up, just tell Jill one more passenger on the cruise ship, it'll sink.

00:40:43 >> I'm not telling her that.

00:40:44 >> Tell her, tell her.

00:40:45 You got to tell her something.

00:40:46 I'm not having her come to Europe.

00:40:47 It's the kid's first trip.

00:40:49 >> Hey, how we doing in here?

00:40:50 >> It's 632.

00:40:52 43 years ago, at the very time you were born.

00:40:55 Happy birthday, number one.

00:40:58 >> Okay, thank you.

00:40:59 >> Happy birthday, you guys.

00:41:00 >> Okay.

00:41:01 >> No, no, no, not yet, not yet.

00:41:02 I wasn't born, I'm 633.

00:41:04 I'm still 42, Erin.

00:41:05 >> Okay.

00:41:06 >> So how does it feel, old man, getting rickety in the bones?

00:41:10 >> I'm so bummed that you're leaving tomorrow.

00:41:12 I'm going to miss you.

00:41:13 >> Oh, yeah, oh, God.

00:41:15 I'm going to miss you guys, too, especially on New Year's.

00:41:19 >> Get the violins going, yeah.

00:41:21 >> Just every year I go with mom to Valentino's.

00:41:24 It's the restaurant, Erin, where my mother met my father.

00:41:28 Oh, I knew that was going to be big.

00:41:30 >> Don't throw it out.

00:41:31 We can make a birthday candle with it.

00:41:36 >> Hey, we're only 40 minutes late, guys.

00:41:38 >> I hope he's saying happy birthday to us.

00:41:40 >> Yeah, I hope we still have our table this.

00:41:42 >> Why is it so dark in here?

00:41:43 Are we going to get killed or something?

00:41:45 [laughter]

00:41:48 >> Oh, Jack, we got you.

00:41:50 You are having a party for us.

00:41:52 Oh, coolness.

00:41:54 Everybody's here.

00:41:55 >> And I just had to meet your twin sister.

00:41:58 >> Very nice to see you.

00:42:00 >> I mean, you guys really do look alike.

00:42:03 >> I say that all the time.

00:42:04 He says no.

00:42:06 >> Joe, I want to introduce you around.

00:42:08 >> This is going to be a bad night.

00:42:10 This is going to be an awful, awful night.

00:42:13 Really, it's fascinating.

00:42:14 How does it work, Mr. Subway Sandwich?

00:42:16 Tell me more.

00:42:17 >> Just Jared's fine.

00:42:18 >> Call you Jared?

00:42:20 Okay, sure.

00:42:21 Just ten sandwiches a day.

00:42:22 To me, that seems too much, almost like a job.

00:42:24 I couldn't do that.

00:42:25 >> I don't eat that many.

00:42:26 >> No?

00:42:27 Okay, okay, here's the situation.

00:42:28 You're here.

00:42:29 There's not a subway in sight.

00:42:30 You're at a steakhouse.

00:42:31 What do you eat?

00:42:32 What do you eat?

00:42:33 >> I eat other things.

00:42:34 >> Oh, you do?

00:42:35 I knew you were cheating.

00:42:36 That's why there's so much goo left on you.

00:42:38 I miss the old Jared, the 400-pound Jared that scared us.

00:42:43 >> I don't miss that one at all.

00:42:44 >> Well, I'm sure you don't.

00:42:45 But if he was around, he'd be with me and not with the two hookers.

00:42:52 But, yeah, we love music.

00:42:53 You know what?

00:42:54 You're the ShamWow man, right?

00:42:56 Funny story, Jack used to be a bedwetter.

00:42:59 >> No.

00:43:00 >> He could have used one of these ShamWow things 20 years ago for his pee puddles.

00:43:06 >> Ah, there's Mr. Yellow Cheese.

00:43:10 >> Where are you going, puddles?

00:43:12 >> Nice to meet you all.

00:43:15 >> Am I crazy or is she hot?

00:43:17 >> You're crazy.

00:43:19 >> It's Jack with boobs.

00:43:21 >> Jack with boobs.

00:43:22 >> That's right.

00:43:23 >> There he is.

00:43:25 >> Did you set this whole thing up?

00:43:27 >> Yeah, we got through it, man.

00:43:28 It came out pretty dope.

00:43:29 >> It's amazing.

00:43:30 Hey, Jill.

00:43:32 >> Sorry to interrupt.

00:43:33 Come here for a sec.

00:43:34 >> Okay, nice to see you.

00:43:35 What's going on?

00:43:36 >> Did I ever tell you Todd is an atheist?

00:43:38 >> A what?

00:43:40 >> Oh, God.

00:43:41 >> Have a great time, guys.

00:43:42 >> How could there be a Grand Canyon if God didn't exist?

00:43:46 >> That's a very good point.

00:43:48 I'm just saying maybe --

00:43:49 >> Maybe God wouldn't have given you a rat face if you believed in him.

00:43:53 >> I don't have a rat face.

00:43:54 >> Yes, you do have a rat face.

00:43:55 It's scary.

00:43:56 >> Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

00:43:57 This guy doesn't believe in God?

00:43:59 >> No.

00:44:00 >> I'm just saying there's not real proof.

00:44:02 >> Idiots like you really make me mad.

00:44:06 >> Fight him.

00:44:07 >> Fight, fight, fight.

00:44:08 >> You've got to do it so that you're strong.

00:44:11 >> Fight, fight, fight, fight.

00:44:13 >> Happy birthday to you.

00:44:17 Happy birthday to you.

00:44:21 Happy birthday, dear Jack.

00:44:28 Happy birthday to you.

00:44:33 >> Come on, make a wish, you twins.

00:44:35 >> Okay, let's do it.

00:44:36 >> We have to make the other cake.

00:44:38 There's not enough candles for both of us.

00:44:40 >> One cake is enough.

00:44:41 Make the wish.

00:44:42 >> Mom and dad always got us two cakes.

00:44:44 Made us both feel special.

00:44:46 I don't think mom and dad would like this.

00:44:48 >> Make the wish already.

00:44:49 I'm hungry.

00:44:50 >> Will you stop already?

00:44:51 Blow out the candles.

00:44:53 >> [Blowing out candles]

00:45:07 >> Whoa.

00:45:08 Funny meeting you here.

00:45:12 Don't be startled.

00:45:13 It's only me.

00:45:17 It's always the same thing.

00:45:18 It's L.A.

00:45:19 I never know where I am.

00:45:21 It's so wilderness here.

00:45:22 In the Bronx, you got the streets, you got the numbers.

00:45:25 You got 187 to 38.

00:45:27 It follows in sequence.

00:45:29 Here you got the palm trees.

00:45:30 They all look alike.

00:45:34 I have no idea where we are.

00:45:36 >> You really don't?

00:45:37 >> I don't.

00:45:38 Lucky for us, I got the panic button.

00:45:41 >> You have a panic button?

00:45:42 >> Yeah, and we'll soon find out where we are.

00:45:45 [Whistling]

00:45:48 There we go.

00:45:49 >> It's a house.

00:45:50 It's not a bakery.

00:45:52 >> What's the difference?

00:45:54 >> There's a bakery in the house.

00:45:57 >> Get out of town.

00:45:59 >> I want to see a birthday cake soon, or I'm taking pepper spray out.

00:46:03 I'm not kidding.

00:46:04 >> Oh, ye of little faith.

00:46:07 >> What is that, a Shakespeare?

00:46:09 >> No, that was Jesus.

00:46:10 Okay, birthday girl.

00:46:12 >> Oh, my God.

00:46:13 >> Here it is.

00:46:14 You name it, my guy will bake it.

00:46:18 >> Oh, my God.

00:46:20 >> Look, I made her happy.

00:46:22 >> I love that.

00:46:23 >> I made you happy.

00:46:25 [Music]

00:46:29 >> Nutcracker.

00:46:30 >> No, that's manna la mancha.

00:46:33 They offered me to part of Don Quixote on Broadway.

00:46:36 >> Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:46:37 >> I'm not there yet, so I'm mulling it over.

00:46:40 >> I love that.

00:46:41 That's where the man's in the tower ringing the bell?

00:46:44 >> That's quasimodo.

00:46:45 That's hunchback of Notre Dame.

00:46:48 This is Don Quixote.

00:46:50 Don Quixote meets this fallen woman who he thinks is his lost love, Dulcinea.

00:46:56 >> Right, and he can't straighten his back, so he keeps ringing the bell, and he has a sidekick.

00:47:01 It was a mouse.

00:47:03 >> Okay, moving on.

00:47:05 Listen, plonks, I got a birthday surprise for you.

00:47:08 >> Another one.

00:47:09 >> Yeah.

00:47:10 It's my original stickball stick.

00:47:16 >> Oh.

00:47:17 >> Come with me a second.

00:47:18 >> Let me just eat some cake.

00:47:19 This is so good.

00:47:20 >> You will later.

00:47:21 You'll be eating enough.

00:47:22 >> We really have to stop now?

00:47:23 >> Stop, yay.

00:47:24 We must shoot.

00:47:25 >> Right?

00:47:26 >> Ha!

00:47:27 >> Nice.

00:47:28 >> I'm just going to throw the ball, and you are going to take the stick with two hands, right, and you're going to hit it.

00:47:32 >> Do I have to play this weird game?

00:47:34 >> It's not weird.

00:47:35 Chill.

00:47:36 It's in you.

00:47:37 It's in your DNA.

00:47:38 >> Just think, plonks.

00:47:40 >> Let it just float.

00:47:41 >> Okay, okay, okay.

00:47:42 Can you do me a favor and not hold me like this?

00:47:44 >> All right.

00:47:45 I'm just trying to show you.

00:47:46 All you got to do is make content.

00:47:49 >> I feel like this is your game and it's not my game.

00:47:52 If you want to play my game, hungry, hungry hippo, do you have that here?

00:47:56 >> That's coming.

00:47:57 [ Speaking French ]

00:47:59 >> Just throw it.

00:48:02 >> Wait, wait.

00:48:03 >> Okay.

00:48:04 Come on.

00:48:05 No matter here, pitcher.

00:48:06 We got him.

00:48:07 We got him.

00:48:08 Oh!

00:48:09 Oh!

00:48:10 Oh, my God.

00:48:11 Oh, my God.

00:48:12 I am so sorry.

00:48:15 I'm sure you have others, though.

00:48:18 >> You'd think it, but oddly enough, I don't.

00:48:21 But I have you.

00:48:22 >> You don't have me.

00:48:23 >> I'd rather have you.

00:48:25 >> I'm sorry.

00:48:26 I'm going to go.

00:48:27 I had fun, but I'm so tired.

00:48:29 It's 8:30 in the morning, my time.

00:48:31 >> You know what time it is for me?

00:48:33 It is time for my salvation.

00:48:36 Because finally I found the one woman with all our rough human charm who will lead me

00:48:44 back to sanity.

00:48:51 >> You're sick.

00:48:52 >> You're a sweetie.

00:48:53 >> I saw what you were doing with the stick, and it was gross.

00:48:56 Thank you.

00:48:57 >> Wait a minute.

00:48:58 Where do you think you're going?

00:49:00 >> I got you, wham, bam, exit ham.

00:49:02 >> You don't have a car.

00:49:08 >> Why are you ignoring me?

00:49:14 What happened to me?

00:49:17 >> What's this?

00:49:18 >> Help me.

00:49:21 Where were you?

00:49:23 >> What do you mean?

00:49:24 I was here, bird.

00:49:28 Felipe.

00:49:30 >> What are you doing out here?

00:49:32 >> I stayed out here because I didn't want to go in the house.

00:49:35 And he tried to make me come back, and I wouldn't.

00:49:37 He yelled at me because I rejected Al Pacino.

00:49:40 >> If you need something to do, I'm just fixing the timer and heading off to a big family

00:49:45 picnic.

00:49:46 We play soccer, eat, steal white people's wallets.

00:49:50 >> What did you say?

00:49:52 >> I'm kidding.

00:49:53 I'm kidding.

00:49:54 We don't eat.

00:49:55 >> Stop it.

00:49:57 >> Why won't you help me?

00:49:59 >> What are you doing?

00:50:00 Put poopsie down.

00:50:02 >> It flew in my bread.

00:50:04 >> Hey, baby, what happened?

00:50:08 I thought I was your only one.

00:50:11 >> Hey, Rosa.

00:50:13 This is my friend, jill.

00:50:15 That's my father, my mama, my brother Juan, my other brother Juan, Juan junior, my sister Juanita, my grandma.

00:50:26 >> That's a lot of walls.

00:50:30 >> Hey, look, these are my kids.

00:50:33 Jose, Jose junior, and Josefina.

00:50:36 >> They are beautiful.

00:50:37 Hi, hi.

00:50:38 >> They all look like my wife.

00:50:40 >> Your wife?

00:50:41 I need to meet her.

00:50:42 Where is she?

00:50:43 >> She passed away four years ago.

00:50:46 >> I'm so sorry.

00:50:47 I lost my mother recently.

00:50:49 >> I love talking about my wife.

00:50:52 >> I know she's up there.

00:50:56 Sneaking into heaven right now.

00:50:59 >> It's a joke, it's a joke.

00:51:02 >> Your father is bad.

00:51:03 He's bad.

00:51:04 He's very bad.

00:51:05 >> Ready for the best Mexican food you ever had?

00:51:08 >> I never had Mexican food.

00:51:10 >> What?

00:51:11 >> I'm sorry.

00:51:12 It's not my fault.

00:51:13 They don't serve it at my deli.

00:51:15 >> Today is your lucky day.

00:51:19 >> Wow.

00:51:20 >> That's chile relleno.

00:51:22 >> It looks like a canish.

00:51:25 >> I never had Mexican food.

00:51:28 >> It's very, very good.

00:51:33 >> I'm kidding.

00:51:34 Are you okay?

00:51:35 >> Yeah, I'm fine.

00:51:37 >> What is this thing?

00:51:39 >> No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:51:41 It's two hearts.

00:51:42 Just like you.

00:51:44 >> Oh, believe me.

00:51:49 >> Come on, you!

00:51:50 Come on!

00:51:55 >> Oh!

00:51:56 >> Oh!

00:51:58 >> Oh!

00:51:59 >> Yeah!

00:52:00 >> Yeah!

00:52:01 >> Woo!

00:52:02 >> Woo!

00:52:03 >> Get it!

00:52:05 >> Get it out there!

00:52:07 >> Yeah!

00:52:21 >> Yeah!

00:52:35 >> Come on, you!

00:52:36 Run!

00:52:37 Run!

00:52:38 >> Come on!

00:52:39 >> Oh!

00:52:40 >> Oh!

00:52:41 >> Okay.

00:52:42 >> Oh!

00:52:52 >> Oh!

00:52:58 >> Jalapeños?

00:52:59 >> Jalapeños!

00:53:00 >> Did I get it?

00:53:01 >> Yeah.

00:53:02 >> Jalapeños.

00:53:12 >> Jalapeños.

00:53:32 >> Hey, hey, hey.

00:53:34 >> Hey, Mr. Popcorn.

00:53:36 >> Is that Al Pacino or are you two?

00:53:39 >> Hey, Mr. Popcorn.

00:53:41 >> Al Pacino, are you kidding me?

00:53:43 How you doing?

00:53:44 >> Listen, I got a little something here for Ms. Sadelstein.

00:53:48 >> My God, she's not here right now.

00:53:50 >> Oh, that's our loss, isn't it?

00:53:52 >> Have you any idea when she might be coming home?

00:53:55 Hopefully soon.

00:53:56 >> You know what?

00:53:57 I hope so.

00:53:58 I'm waiting on her, too.

00:53:59 And I wanted to tell you, Al, if she wasn't receptive the other night--

00:54:02 [gunshot]

00:54:03 >> Oh, my God.

00:54:04 >> I know she's in here, Popcorn.

00:54:06 >> How'd you get over the fence?

00:54:07 >> Chill.

00:54:08 Come on!

00:54:09 >> You want me to get you something to eat?

00:54:10 >> What I want to do is make you happy.

00:54:12 >> Uh-huh.

00:54:13 >> I want to see you.

00:54:14 I want to know that you exist.

00:54:16 That I'm not just imagining you.

00:54:18 >> Al, she really is in here.

00:54:20 For real.

00:54:21 >> Sit.

00:54:23 >> She sleeps here?

00:54:24 >> She does.

00:54:25 She sleeps right here.

00:54:27 Oh, God, yeah.

00:54:28 Sorry you have to see that.

00:54:30 >> She sleeps with someone?

00:54:31 >> No, no, no, no, no.

00:54:32 That's a bird.

00:54:33 That's not a human.

00:54:34 No problems.

00:54:35 >> Look at this.

00:54:37 Isn't that something?

00:54:38 >> Yeah.

00:54:39 >> How did this happen?

00:54:40 >> Al, I wouldn't lay there.

00:54:42 That's not, uh...

00:54:44 >> Oh.

00:54:45 Oh.

00:54:46 She leaves an after scent.

00:54:49 >> Oh.

00:54:50 >> Hey, Popcorn.

00:54:51 You know, you're not really giving me any confidence here.

00:54:54 >> About what?

00:54:55 >> Where is she?

00:54:56 >> Al, I don't know where--

00:54:57 >> Where you hiding her?

00:54:58 >> She's coming back.

00:54:59 She's just not here right now.

00:55:00 >> Hey, Jill!

00:55:01 >> A lot of places to hide.

00:55:02 Hey, Jill!

00:55:03 >> Al, she's coming back.

00:55:04 I swear to you.

00:55:05 She got an 8 o'clock flight tonight, so I promise.

00:55:07 >> What?

00:55:08 She's leaving?

00:55:09 >> Uh...

00:55:11 >> Come here.

00:55:13 >> Come to you or--

00:55:14 >> Yeah, come, come, come.

00:55:15 We got to talk.

00:55:16 >> Yeah.

00:55:19 >> You want to turn my name into some coffee, drink,

00:55:22 chocolate, donut thing?

00:55:23 >> Well, yeah, tastefully, though, I think it's--

00:55:26 >> Yeah, then you get me to go.

00:55:28 >> Get you to go?

00:55:30 >> Get me to go.

00:55:32 >> Get is a strong word, 'cause this is my sister we're talking about.

00:55:36 >> You don't understand!

00:55:38 >> What?

00:55:39 I want to understand.

00:55:40 >> You don't understand!

00:55:41 >> Go ahead, go ahead.

00:55:42 Tell me what I need to know.

00:55:43 >> Your sister and I, we grew up on the same streets.

00:55:46 We breathe the same Bronx air.

00:55:48 >> Yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:55:49 >> When I look at her, I see me.

00:55:53 >> When I look at her, I see me, too.

00:55:55 >> I know what you mean.

00:55:56 I see what I was.

00:56:02 I'm lost, Buckle.

00:56:06 I am.

00:56:07 I go visit my kids.

00:56:09 I can't find them.

00:56:12 I end up talking to lemon trees.

00:56:15 >> You know what?

00:56:16 I'm lost now.

00:56:17 What is--

00:56:18 >> Jill.

00:56:19 >> Yes?

00:56:20 >> Is going to get me there.

00:56:21 >> Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:22 >> I just want a shot.

00:56:23 You understand?

00:56:24 >> Let's get you a shot.

00:56:25 >> Right.

00:56:26 >> Only way to get you a shot is to have my sister stay even

00:56:29 longer out here, which is amazing news for me.

00:56:34 >> So warm to be here at holiday season.

00:56:36 But thank you.

00:56:37 I really had an amazing time.

00:56:40 >> Too bad you're taking off tonight.

00:56:42 >> Well, I have to.

00:56:43 He's abusive to me.

00:56:44 Not physically, because I would hurt him, but mentally.

00:56:47 And it's time to go.

00:56:49 >> I know.

00:56:50 Maybe next time you're here--

00:56:54 Maybe next time you're here, if you ever--

00:56:58 >> Your engine seems to be a diesel truck, I'm guessing.

00:57:01 >> No.

00:57:02 If you ever want to see a movie or something--

00:57:05 >> Oh, my God.

00:57:06 Okay.

00:57:07 Just hold the thought.

00:57:08 I have to go.

00:57:09 >> I have to.

00:57:10 What did I say?

00:57:11 >> Oh, no, it's not you.

00:57:12 It's the chimichangas.

00:57:13 They're making a run for the border.

00:57:16 >> Oh, you're throwing chimichanga bombs?

00:57:18 Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:57:19 >> I'm not throwing chimichanga bombs.

00:57:21 >> I'm not throwing chimichanga bombs.

00:57:23 >> I'm not throwing chimichanga bombs.

00:57:25 >> I'm not throwing chimichanga bombs.

00:57:27 >> Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:57:29 >> Oh, God.

00:57:31 >> Jill, where were you?

00:57:34 >> She's not talking to us still, I guess.

00:57:36 >> I am not talking to you!

00:57:38 I am talking to Aaron!

00:57:40 Aaron, I'm going to go make some chocolate squirties.

00:57:43 Oh, God.

00:57:44 Hold it, hold it, hold it.

00:57:49 >> Hey, Jill, can I talk to you for a second?

00:57:51 >> No!

00:57:52 My bags are packed and there's nothing left to--

00:57:55 >> Hey!

00:57:58 I spent the day at Felipe's picnic where I finally felt welcome.

00:58:03 By everybody.

00:58:05 I tried this new food for the very first time.

00:58:12 >> I'm guessing Mexican?

00:58:14 >> Yes, Mexican, Mr. Food Detective.

00:58:18 And Felipe really made me feel like a--

00:58:22 >> Is there a little cannibal doing wheelies in there?

00:58:26 Hey, so I just wanted to talk to you about last night and everything.

00:58:31 >> Oh, my God.

00:58:33 >> Well, I, uh...

00:58:40 I was thinking about last night and all that stuff you were saying and--

00:58:44 >> What, are you hot or something?

00:58:46 >> I just have to, uh...

00:58:49 >> Mate, I would love for you to stay a few extra days.

00:58:53 >> No, I'm going home.

00:58:54 I already told them to turn my electricity back on.

00:58:57 >> You can't be alone on--

00:58:59 You can't be alone on New Year's.

00:59:01 Come on, it's just not right.

00:59:03 >> You want me to stay that long?

00:59:05 I can't keep going on your big cruise.

00:59:08 >> Jill, I want you to come on the cruise with us.

00:59:16 >> But, I can't believe--

00:59:18 >> Of course I'll come with you.

00:59:19 Thank you!

00:59:20 Yes!

00:59:21 I mean, you won!

00:59:22 Yes!

00:59:23 Yes!

00:59:24 Oh, my God, Poopsie!

00:59:26 Poopsie, we're cruising through Europe!

00:59:28 [laughing]

00:59:31 [music]

00:59:35 >> Welcome to Royal Caribbean International.

00:59:38 [music]

00:59:41 >> Whoo!

00:59:42 [music]

00:59:46 >> Oh, Poopsie, we're not in the Bronx anymore!

00:59:49 This boat has everything!

00:59:51 >> Hello?

00:59:52 >> What took you so long to pick up?

00:59:54 >> Jack, Pacino's called here three times.

00:59:56 What do you want me to tell the Dunkin' Donuts people, all right?

00:59:58 We got five days, Jack, to get Scarface so they move on.

01:00:00 >> I know, I know.

01:00:02 Oh, my God.

01:00:03 There's a poo on a boat?

01:00:05 >> Do you want me to get Al Pacino on the phone now?

01:00:07 >> Tell Pacino I'll call him tonight at 5.30, okay?

01:00:10 And just one more thing.

01:00:11 >> Yeah, what?

01:00:12 >> God told me your feet were on my desk, so get 'em off!

01:00:15 [music]

01:00:22 >> All you can eat.

01:00:25 Go for it, Poopsie.

01:00:26 Have a chocolate bath.

01:00:28 >> Oh, oh, oh.

01:00:29 >> Oh, all right, it's 5.30.

01:00:30 I got to make a call.

01:00:31 >> To who?

01:00:32 >> Uh, I got one last business call to make, and then that's it for me.

01:00:36 I love you.

01:00:37 Be back.

01:00:38 [music]

01:00:41 >> Amongst this princely heap, if any here by false intelligence hold me afold.

01:00:51 If I unwittingly or in my rage committed aught that is hardly borne by any in this princely presence,

01:01:01 I do reconcile myself to his friendly peace.

01:01:08 'Tis death to me to be at enmity and desire all good men's love.

01:01:14 Where were you, Popcorn?

01:01:15 >> What do you mean?

01:01:16 It's 5.30.

01:01:17 >> No, no, no, it's 9.30 my time.

01:01:19 I was waiting for you, 5.30.

01:01:21 >> Oh, it's four hours the other way.

01:01:23 I just--I got confused.

01:01:25 >> Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever.

01:01:26 What's going on?

01:01:27 How's she doing?

01:01:28 >> We're, uh, we're coming along.

01:01:30 >> Coming along?

01:01:31 What does that mean, coming along?

01:01:32 What does that mean?

01:01:33 >> Come on, wrap it up.

01:01:34 >> It means we're getting there.

01:01:36 We just need a little more time.

01:01:38 >> Put her on the phone.

01:01:39 I want to hear her voice.

01:01:40 >> She's not here right now.

01:01:41 >> This reminds me of that boat movie with Leonardo.

01:01:44 >> Titanic?

01:01:45 >> No, the one with the iceberg.

01:01:47 >> Who was that?

01:01:48 >> That was Poopsie.

01:01:49 >> Why won't you let me talk?

01:01:51 Will you--you got to be quiet.

01:01:52 I can't hear him.

01:01:53 All right?

01:01:54 Please, please.

01:01:55 Yeah, listen, you get me this girl, or you don't get that.

01:01:59 Don Ciccino commercial, you understand?

01:02:01 Don't you know me?

01:02:03 Don't you know I would use all my power, all the power I have,

01:02:07 to keep a commercial like that from happening?

01:02:09 Don't you know that?

01:02:10 >> Is he seriously breaking out the Godfather?

01:02:13 >> I swear to God I'm going to cry.

01:02:15 >> Put her on!

01:02:17 Put her on!

01:02:19 Ciccino!

01:02:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:21 All right, hang on for a second.

01:02:22 I'll put her on.

01:02:26 >> Hello?

01:02:27 >> Jill, my darling, just to hear your voice,

01:02:30 what are they doing?

01:02:31 Why are they trying to keep us apart?

01:02:33 >> Nobody's keeping me apart from anybody.

01:02:35 I'm my own person.

01:02:36 You remember that.

01:02:37 >> Oh, I know you're your own person.

01:02:39 Nobody's like you.

01:02:42 >> Would you like a little privacy?

01:02:43 I could finish up for you.

01:02:44 >> No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

01:02:46 Nobody wants to see you, right?

01:02:48 But thanks anyway.

01:02:50 Jill, can you meet me when you dock in Spain?

01:02:53 >> But what about your Shakespeare show?

01:02:55 Don't you have that to do?

01:02:57 >> You're kidding?

01:02:58 This is L.A.

01:02:59 They got Bruce Jenner playing Lord Rivers.

01:03:02 >> Yeah, I don't think so.

01:03:04 >> Darling, put your brother on.

01:03:06 >> Okay, here he is.

01:03:07 >> Hello?

01:03:08 Jack's back.

01:03:09 >> Bye-bye!

01:03:10 We did it!

01:03:11 We did it!

01:03:12 I'm coming, I'm coming to get her.

01:03:14 >> You're coming to get her?

01:03:15 She just said, "I don't think so," I thought.

01:03:17 >> I can smell horny across an ocean.

01:03:19 Here's how it's going to go down.

01:03:21 9 p.m. tomorrow.

01:03:23 Top deck, port side.

01:03:25 I'll be there.

01:03:28 Audience, could you tell me where I was?

01:03:30 >> But he poor soul.

01:03:32 >> But he poor soul, by your first order, died.

01:03:36 >> Good afternoon, passengers.

01:03:38 Hope you all are enjoying our Royal Caribbean activities.

01:03:41 And for those of you going ashore later, we will be arriving in beautiful Mallorca by sunset.

01:03:46 >> Let's go.

01:03:48 Jump.

01:03:49 Jump.

01:03:50 >> Oh, no, no, she's good.

01:03:52 >> Why don't these guys know how to jump rope?

01:03:54 Why didn't you teach them?

01:03:55 We were the double Dutch kings in our neighborhood.

01:03:57 These guys can't do a single wing ding.

01:03:59 >> Daddy, you know how to jump rope?

01:04:01 >> No, I don't know how to jump rope.

01:04:03 >> Your father liked to pretend his life started in California.

01:04:06 We were chance.

01:04:07 Everyone loved us in the neighborhood.

01:04:08 >> Come on, daddy, please.

01:04:09 >> Bring it over here.

01:04:11 J.J. Rodney, kick it!

01:04:13 Get up here.

01:04:14 Get up here.

01:04:15 Do it.

01:04:16 Do it.

01:04:17 Do it.

01:04:18 >> Oh, no.

01:04:19 Come on.

01:04:20 >> Here's the swim power.

01:04:22 Bring it.

01:04:23 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:24 >> Wow.

01:04:25 >> Do the bunny.

01:04:26 Come on, turn up the heat.

01:04:27 >> Wow.

01:04:28 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:29 >> That was all your father.

01:04:30 >> It was you.

01:04:31 >> No, it was me.

01:04:32 >> You're the one who did it.

01:04:33 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:34 >> You're the one who did it.

01:04:35 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:36 >> You're the one who did it.

01:04:37 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:38 >> You're the one who did it.

01:04:39 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:40 >> You're the one who did it.

01:04:41 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:42 >> You're the one who did it.

01:04:43 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:44 >> You're the one who did it.

01:04:45 >> Oh, my God.

01:04:47 >> That was all your father.

01:04:49 >> It was you.

01:04:50 You were great, pokey.

01:04:51 >> Now she's pokey.

01:04:52 >> She's always been pokey.

01:04:53 I was thinking tonight, port side, you could go on that deck, check out the stars, put on something gorgeous, because there might be a handsome surprise waiting for you.

01:05:03 >> Oh, really?

01:05:04 You're going to introduce me to my Mr. Right?

01:05:06 >> Uh, maybe.

01:05:08 >> Really?

01:05:09 It's not Al Pacino, is it?

01:05:12 >> Why, is it Al Pacino?

01:05:14 >> No, it's not.

01:05:16 >> Because that would just hurt me at this point.

01:05:18 >> But it's not.

01:05:19 >> Treating me like some sort of prostitute.

01:05:21 That's bad.

01:05:22 >> It's not.

01:05:23 It's not.

01:05:24 It's not.

01:05:25 All right?

01:05:26 >> All right.

01:05:27 Then why are you getting so angry?

01:05:28 >> Why are you so annoying?

01:05:29 >> Jack!

01:05:30 Why would you say that?

01:05:31 We were just having fun.

01:05:32 >> We never had fun when you were around.

01:05:34 I'm sorry.

01:05:35 >> No, no.

01:05:36 This is -- >> You, man.

01:05:37 This is on you.

01:05:38 You're out of your mind.

01:05:39 You're out of your mind.

01:05:40 >> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:41 >> Okay.

01:05:46 Let's see.

01:05:47 Pit stain.

01:05:49 Pit stain.

01:05:52 I don't know what that is.

01:05:54 Get clean.

01:06:02 You tell anybody, I will fry you up and eat you.

01:06:05 >> Huh?

01:06:06 >> Yeah.

01:06:17 >> I'm sorry.

01:06:26 >> I'm sorry.

01:06:33 >> I'm sorry.

01:06:40 >> I'm sorry.

01:06:47 >> I'm sorry.

01:06:55 >> I'm sorry.

01:07:03 >> I'm sorry.

01:07:09 >> I'm sorry.

01:07:17 >> All right.

01:07:22 Where is he, man?

01:07:23 He said port side.

01:07:24 I'm port side.

01:07:25 I wonder if it's -- ah!

01:07:29 Cheesecake!

01:07:30 Huh?

01:07:31 Oh, holy crap!

01:07:33 Just climbed on the ladder!

01:07:36 There!

01:07:37 Don't you think maybe you should land that thing?

01:07:40 That would be easier for me.

01:07:42 >> It's safer to hover!

01:07:44 >> Wow!

01:07:47 Yeah!

01:07:48 Wow!

01:07:50 >> Hey, W.A., look at us go!

01:08:00 >> Ho!

01:08:01 I am back.

01:08:02 >> Senorita, I was gone too long?

01:08:04 >> No, not at all.

01:08:06 It's really good to see you again.

01:08:08 >> So what is different about you tonight?

01:08:10 I don't know.

01:08:11 >> Nothing.

01:08:12 >> No, no, no, no.

01:08:13 There's something -- you dropped some weight?

01:08:15 >> Maybe that's it.

01:08:16 Yeah, I'm looking thin.

01:08:17 That's probably what you see.

01:08:18 >> I think so.

01:08:19 It's like you're more feminine or something.

01:08:21 A little more -- less muscular.

01:08:23 >> I don't agree, but okay.

01:08:26 >> [ Speaking foreign language ]

01:08:36 >> This is heavy, hard stuff?

01:08:39 How are we doing here?

01:08:41 >> One for the lady.

01:08:43 >> That's enough for me.

01:08:45 >> Who's poopsie?

01:08:47 I keep hearing poopsie, poopsie.

01:08:49 >> Poopsie is my bird.

01:08:51 >> I used to raise pigeons.

01:08:53 >> Really?

01:08:54 >> No, I'm sorry.

01:08:56 That was brando.

01:08:57 >> Oh!

01:08:59 [ Laughs ]

01:09:01 >> You ticklish?

01:09:02 >> No.

01:09:03 I said I'm not so --

01:09:05 >> No, no.

01:09:06 Stella Adler, a great acting teacher, once wrote in a book,

01:09:09 the only way you can really get to know somebody is if you watch

01:09:14 their behavior when they're being tickled.

01:09:16 Would you do me the honor of lift up those girly arms?

01:09:20 >> I just haven't shaved under there in many, many years.

01:09:24 You don't want to see that.

01:09:25 >> We're in Europe.

01:09:26 It doesn't matter.

01:09:27 >> I think even here they might be like, what is that?

01:09:30 >> No, not here.

01:09:31 Give me a try.

01:09:32 >> Okay.

01:09:33 So here we go.

01:09:34 Oh, my God.

01:09:35 Look at us.

01:09:37 [ Laughter ]

01:09:45 >> Stop it!

01:09:50 What was that?

01:09:51 >> Just -- I don't really -- I didn't like that.

01:09:54 I'm sorry.

01:09:55 >> That was powerful.

01:09:56 He just came out of there like boom.

01:09:58 >> I'm angry.

01:10:00 You know what?

01:10:02 We're better with just --

01:10:04 >> Whoa!

01:10:07 >> I don't even know where jack is right now.

01:10:09 >> He's avoiding me.

01:10:11 That's where he is.

01:10:12 Can I work in with you guys?

01:10:14 >> Knock yourself out.

01:10:16 >> I think he hates because I talk so much it bothers him, you know?

01:10:21 But when I'm in the Bronx, I have no one else to talk to but poopsies.

01:10:25 So when I'm around other humans, I tend to blab a lot.

01:10:28 >> No, you don't.

01:10:29 >> I do.

01:10:30 I do.

01:10:31 Can you throw a couple more 45s on?

01:10:33 He was being so nice to me and then I had to bring up the Pacino thing because I don't know.

01:10:38 I do that.

01:10:39 It's just because I'm insecure, you know?

01:10:41 I feel like the only reason he brought me on this cruise is for some Pacino-related shenanigans.

01:10:47 It just gets in my head.

01:10:49 >> He told me he wanted you to come on this cruise because he didn't want you to spend your first New Year's Eve without your mom alone.

01:10:55 >> He said that?

01:10:56 >> Yeah.

01:10:59 >> Oh, my God.

01:11:00 That means so much to me.

01:11:02 Why didn't I use my twin powers to know that?

01:11:05 Do they not work when you're out of the country?

01:11:08 >> Maybe they don't.

01:11:09 >> That's why he was mad because he was being good to me and I did what I did and I'm a jerk and I have to call him and I'm going to straighten the whole family's vacation out.

01:11:18 This is so cool!

01:11:20 >> Come on!

01:11:21 >> Push!

01:11:23 Push harder!

01:11:25 >> I wasn't pushing him!

01:11:27 [Music]

01:11:30 >> Then I saw her face.

01:11:32 >> All righty!

01:11:34 Ow, Pacino!

01:11:35 Ow, ow, Pacino!

01:11:36 Ow, Pacino!

01:11:38 >> Now you got it!

01:11:39 >> All right, let's have our space!

01:11:41 Here you go!

01:11:42 >> I always come on the short end of that, don't I?

01:11:45 [Phone ringing]

01:11:47 >> Hello?

01:11:48 >> Hello?

01:11:49 >> Hello?

01:11:51 >> I don't understand.

01:11:52 Are you mocking my voice right now?

01:11:54 >> No, no, no, I'm not.

01:11:56 I can't talk right now.

01:11:57 >> Okay.

01:11:58 Don't talk then.

01:11:59 Just listen.

01:12:00 I just want to tell you I'm sorry.

01:12:03 I'm the reason we're fighting right now.

01:12:06 And I never thank you enough for doing all you do for me.

01:12:10 So thank you.

01:12:11 >> Who is that, your brother?

01:12:13 >> Who is that, Jack?

01:12:15 >> That's nobody.

01:12:16 >> Hey, popcorn!

01:12:17 We're having fun here!

01:12:20 >> Are you with Al Pacino?

01:12:22 >> No, no, I'm not!

01:12:24 I said I can't talk right now, weirdo!

01:12:27 >> Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing.

01:12:30 >> I said I can't talk, so I'm hanging up!

01:12:33 >> Jack, speak in your regular voice or I'll know the real reason why you brought me on this cruise.

01:12:39 >> I can't always do what you want when you want it!

01:12:41 Bye!

01:12:42 [ Music ]

01:13:11 >> I mean, come on!

01:13:14 >> Hey, what's popcorn's problem?

01:13:17 Mayor Mccheesy doesn't like his new script?

01:13:20 >> Oh, get over yourself.

01:13:22 My brother's very good at what he does.

01:13:25 He's going to write a book one day, you'll see.

01:13:28 >> Oh, yes, he's an author.

01:13:29 I forgot.

01:13:30 That's right.

01:13:31 He's got a whole novel in him about Destinick's foot powder.

01:13:34 >> Oh, no way!

01:13:36 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:38 >> Oh, yes, I'm going to write a book.

01:13:41 >> Oh, yes, I'm going to write a book.

01:13:43 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:45 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:47 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:49 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:51 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:53 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:55 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:57 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:13:59 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:01 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:03 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:05 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:07 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:09 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:11 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:13 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:15 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:17 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:19 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:21 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:14:23 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:14:33 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:23:01 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:28:59 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:29:01 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:29:09 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:29:23 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:29:25 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:29:33 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:29:35 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:29:47 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:29:51 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:29:53 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:29:55 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:29:59 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:01 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:30:05 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:30:09 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:11 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:13 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:15 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:17 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:19 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:21 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:23 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:25 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:27 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:29 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:31 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:33 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:35 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:37 >> I'm going to write a book.

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01:30:41 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:43 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:45 >> I'm going to write a book.

01:30:47 >> I'm going to write a book.

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