Dating can be hard. We humans have made the finding-a-partner ritual so complicated, that even experts are still finding new tips, tricks and hints. It’s a jungle out there and we’d like to give you some dating tips to help you navigate the new terrain – or help you reacquaint yourself, expansion pack included. Did you find these dating advice helpful? Let us know in the comments.
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00:00 We humans have made the finding a partner ritual so complicated that even experts are
00:05 still finding new tips, tricks, and hints.
00:08 This dance can often feel unnatural to us, making initial forays or revisits after long
00:14 breaks unnerving.
00:17 We even have a name for the dance.
00:19 Dating.
00:20 It's a jungle out there and we'd like to give you some tips to help you navigate the
00:24 new terrain or help you reacquaint yourself.
00:27 Expansion pack included.
00:29 Number one, know yourself.
00:32 Before you even contemplate who the other person is, you definitely need to know you.
00:37 This will save you an incredible amount of frustration and time if you already know the
00:41 fundamental basics of what you need in terms of values, treatment, beliefs, ideas, and
00:48 support.
00:49 Think of it as the absolute essentials, the deal breakers, if you will.
00:53 For example, you can probably live with a person who likes a different brand of chocolate
00:57 than you, but you might never be able to stay with someone who refuses to comfort you when
01:01 you're crying.
01:03 Spending some time exploring which behaviors you value can help you develop reasonable
01:07 and tangible expectations.
01:09 When you understand this, you can confidently allow yourself to cross off the list those
01:14 who don't meet your needs.
01:16 Number two, go at your own pace.
01:18 Hey, who's in the whole dating thing again?
01:22 That's right, it's you.
01:24 You're a part of this, and so you have every right to decide how you are going to go about
01:29 it.
01:30 Sure, other people may try to nudge you in particular directions, but you are the only
01:33 one who 100% knows what's going on inside and can tailor your speed to it.
01:40 In fact, being rushed could be considered a red flag.
01:43 If someone keeps pushing, rushing, and insisting despite you indicating otherwise, this is
01:48 a sign that the other person can't take no for an answer, which in turn implies just
01:52 how little your needs matter to them.
01:55 Number three, think of each step as practice.
01:59 Do you expect to hit a hole in one the first time you play golf?
02:03 Well, dating is kind of similar.
02:05 It takes practice.
02:07 These days, online meeting through texts, apps, and even online forums is far more common.
02:12 No one you know has vetted these people, and if you are used to meeting people in the traditional
02:17 way, this can be daunting.
02:19 Certain behaviors show up more often than others.
02:21 For example, if you're heteronormative, a woman will have to deal with many messages
02:25 from men with a blunt, aggressively sexual approach, while the men deal with ghosting
02:30 from the ladies.
02:31 Interestingly enough, if you're pursuing a same-sex relationship, there is a tendency
02:35 for less pressure on who sends a message first, and a lot fewer in-your-face inappropriate
02:40 replies.
02:42 Number four, communicate and be honest.
02:45 As nerve-wracking as it might be, dating is supposed to be a good thing, a fun thing.
02:51 And there are a few things less fun than severe discomfort from awkward silences or cringey
02:56 outbursts.
02:57 Quite often, many of these painful dates stem from one or both parties not being honest
03:03 or communicative about their intentions, actual wants, needs, and boundaries.
03:08 Certainly, first impressions are important.
03:11 We're not telling you to go on a first date and you're binge-watching PJs after not having
03:15 brushed your hair.
03:16 Think of it more like, if you're not actually a hot-shot gajillionaire, don't act like
03:21 you can make it rain.
03:23 The truth will out eventually.
03:25 And that leads to seriously awkward, sometimes super embarrassing confrontations.
03:29 Oh, and wasted time.
03:32 So much wasted time.
03:34 You do want to tell just enough so both of you understand each other.
03:39 Spilling everything with all details and history in a torrential flood, especially early on,
03:44 is overwhelming.
03:45 While it may not be advisable to gush marriage on a first date, it's a good idea to be forthcoming
03:51 about why you are dating, whether it's a hookup, a long-term thing, or even just haven't
03:56 met anyone new in a while.
03:58 In the same vein, don't go on and on about past partners, but being honest about the
04:03 big stuff like being widowed or divorced, etc. will help steer interactions in the right
04:09 direction.
04:10 Giving some general but honest info will help avoid red flag status too.
04:14 It's about balance.
04:16 If you're returning to the dating scene after being away for a super long time and
04:20 give no reason, that seems suspicious.
04:23 On the flip side, if you spill every single moment of your past like you're trying to
04:27 find absolution through therapy, this is also not good.
04:31 Okay, number five, watch out for red flags.
04:34 And speaking of those red flags, look out for the four major ones.
04:39 Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
04:44 "But what exactly am I looking for?" you ask.
04:49 Don't worry, we got you covered.
04:52 Criticism isn't a one-off "you're late."
04:54 It's an all-or-nothing thing with the criticism flag.
04:57 So more like "you're always late" or "you never notice me."
05:01 So the movies were right on this one.
05:04 Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
05:07 This is like a pre-attack.
05:09 Everything you say becomes the opening salvo for a debate, fight, or guilt trip.
05:13 An offhand comment of "it's raining pretty hard, why'd you park so far away?" gets
05:18 a response of "I don't want my car to get scratched.
05:21 Do you know how much that costs?
05:22 It's just rain, what's your problem?"
05:25 Or asking for fun, "do you think a hot dog is a sandwich?"
05:29 And you get a full-blown insulting tirade about giving inane reasoning to manipulate
05:34 a result.
05:35 I mean, come on, sometimes a question's just a question.
05:39 Stonewalling, on the other hand, takes an inactive approach, just like it sounds.
05:44 You say a thing or try to talk after a conflict and the other person doesn't respond or
05:49 they go offline.
05:51 You explain your stance and they either act like they don't care or they simply act
05:55 like you didn't say anything at all.
05:58 Contempt, the most sinister of the four horsemen of the apoca- I mean, of dating.
06:04 Contempt goes hand in hand with being condescending.
06:06 They'll behave in a mean-spirited manner, humiliating you or otherwise making sure you
06:11 know they're superior in some way.
06:14 So demeaning jokes at your expense on a first date?
06:18 Run away.
06:19 In fact, if any of these red flags make themselves clearly, absolutely known, the best course
06:25 of action is to turn and leave.
06:28 And not after giving it a go for a year.
06:30 Leave quickly.
06:31 You'll have noticed that they all entail the flag bearer not caring about their partner
06:36 or at worst, using their partner as a tool.
06:40 Like a sport, though, dating also has a yellow flag, where there's unease but you're not
06:45 really sure if it's really a thing.
06:48 When in doubt, ask an expert.
06:50 You could also sit back and ask yourself how you'd feel if this treatment was being received
06:55 by someone close to you.
06:57 When put in that light, we tend to lose the rosy glasses of initial dating forgiveness.
07:02 Number six, tell someone you know where you are and be aware of your surroundings.
07:07 I know you've been watching those docu-series or at least have seen the newsfeeds, you know
07:12 the ones, where the aftermath involves a friend or family member of the victim saying, "We
07:17 had no idea where they were, if only."
07:20 Always let someone you trust know where you are and with who.
07:24 You never know when something may happen.
07:27 It might be something petty like, "This is super awkward, can you conveniently show
07:30 up or call so I can leave this date?"
07:33 Or on the other hand, it could possibly save your life.
07:36 As much as we're all digitally connected, always remember that someone you met online
07:40 or while waiting for coffee is not someone you know.
07:44 Dating is complex.
07:46 We want to arm you with your best chance.
07:49 So stay tuned for part two and take that stride and pride.