Cost of living crisis forcing young people to live with parents for longer
The rising cost of living, and the housing affordability crisis are forcing more young people to live with their parents for longer and in some cases move back in with them after years away. While it makes sense financially, it can bring about tension and challenges.
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00:00 I think the main challenge is for people to do something with the history, because the
00:07 history sets a certain stage, doesn't it? Where there's a coming home and an expectation
00:13 that I know how to do that because I know this house, I know this room, I know these
00:18 rules. So there is a real sense that this is all going to be very familiar. And the
00:24 parents can think the same too, that the difference is you're saving for something or the difference
00:31 is you can't help it, but there isn't any other difference considered. So everyone kind
00:37 of wins it and thinks, well, you've grown up a bit, you've lived away, surely you've
00:44 learnt that doing the dishes every day is a good thing, or surely you've learnt how
00:49 to live with others and be more respectful because you've had this life experience now.
00:54 But there's something about family dynamics and legacy and also the nostalgia and the
00:59 lovely thing about being back with family, where everybody slots a bit back into the
01:04 roles they had before. And I don't think it's because of any sort of maliciousness or selfishness
01:10 necessarily. It's just because keeping a boundary of one life stage and another is really hard
01:15 to do. Is it a good idea then for everybody to lay
01:19 down their ground rules and say, okay, you're going to pay this for rent, you're going to
01:23 pay this for power costs, contribute to things. And also part of your plan for living here
01:31 will be that you do the dishwasher or mow the lawn, that it's actually written down
01:34 as a contract. Look, it's definitely better to discuss it
01:38 ahead of time before the moving in has even happened, definitely. But I think it's very
01:43 important rather than parents laying down the rules, which immediately slots into the
01:48 same parenting dynamic, is actually to say, how do we do this? How are we different now?
01:55 What have we learnt? What do we want to bring to this situation that's different? And negotiating
02:00 it as a group of adults. I think the parents often need to update the kids about what's
02:05 happened for them. So it may be, well, we're now working in this different way, or we've
02:10 got early starts, or we're trying to sleep in more, or we're focused on the garden or
02:14 whatever it is. To give the kids an update that something has happened, and I think for
02:19 kids to talk about how actually they have learnt to live differently. And then remember
02:25 that you're dealing with preferences. It's not for the parents to lay down the rules,
02:29 it's for everybody to say, how do we live together?
02:32 Well, we're just watching the new version of Mother and Son, of course. And you know,
02:37 there's a lot of tension, but then there's a lot of comedy as well. What is the thing
02:42 that to keep in mind most when tensions do arise?
02:48 It's always good to speak it out early before resentment takes hold. Often what parents
02:53 will do, will talk to other parents, and they'll say, oh, these kids, isn't that terrible?
02:58 And they'll get support. And you know, these adult kids are just selfish, you know. But
03:02 they don't go back to their kids and say, look, I've got an issue with this. And the
03:06 same with the kids. It's like, oh, parents, you know. And people don't think, well, this
03:10 is a problem that can be solved. This is something we could discuss.
03:14 I think to come at it as an issue of preferences, that you're now dealing with grown-up children
03:20 who have their own style. Maybe they are going to be messy the rest of their lives. It's
03:24 not a moment for a parent to correct. But there is something to have as decent boundaries
03:31 about being good people and being fair and reasonable with each other that can be discussed.
03:36 Of course, it could be catastrophic. I mean, it could completely dismantle previously good
03:43 relationships between husband and wife, the mum and dad, who don't have their free space
03:49 anymore. That's totally right. It can unravel, particularly
03:53 if in fact everyone was a bit relieved when they left home, because things weren't going
03:58 well. But they thought, well, you're going to move out, so we won't discuss it. We won't
04:02 go into it. We'll just see you out the door. And so there might be old habits that were
04:07 not good habits where there was underlying conflict, and it's all back on. All the more
04:12 reason to have some conversations before moving in, including perhaps a formal mediation with
04:18 someone like myself or someone from Relationships Australia, because it's always good to do
04:24 preemptive work rather than after the fact. But it does seem that multigenerational living
04:30 or multigenerational families seem to live in a, I suppose, harmonious way amongst the
04:36 Asian communities, many of the ethnic communities as well. That's a common thing. Do you think
04:42 it's a cultural issue? It definitely does play into cultural issues.
04:46 I think for communities where multigenerational living is common, there is a way of doing
04:51 it and there are implicit rules. They may not be visible to anybody else, but often
04:56 there is a hierarchy and a dutifulness and a way of deferring to older generations that
05:03 in some Western cultures is not so familiar or comfortable. I think we have a much stronger
05:09 sense of individualism, a much greater sense of autonomy and rights, and therefore everybody
05:16 wants to have their moment in the sun. And in a household where you've got four or five
05:21 people trying to live together, it's very difficult. And parents will try it by pulling
05:26 rank and the older the children are, that's just not going to work. It's not the style
05:31 that's going to work. And even saying, well, it's my house, what it does is it can actually
05:35 just introduce shame and something far worse, you know, by trying to get your needs met
05:41 that way. I think it's much better to say, look, we're all grown-ups here. How do we
05:45 do this?
05:45 [BLANK_AUDIO]