Loved ones hurt by your decisions || Acharya Prashant, Sir J.J. College, Mumbai (2022)
Video Information:
Context:
~ Why do we hurt people?
~ Is hurting people always a bad thing?
~ How to decide what is right?
~ How to not hurt loved ones?
~ Is shielding loves ones hurting them?
~ Why do we always defend our friend?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
Context:
~ Why do we hurt people?
~ Is hurting people always a bad thing?
~ How to decide what is right?
~ How to not hurt loved ones?
~ Is shielding loves ones hurting them?
~ Why do we always defend our friend?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00 Good afternoon sir, my name is Sanjeevani Patil, I am from second year.
00:08 I always have a struggle, I have a war between my heart and my mind while deciding anything.
00:15 There are some situations in which I have to listen to the society in which I have my
00:20 loved ones including my parents and family.
00:23 Sometimes I agree with them and I disappoint myself, if I agree with myself I disappoint
00:31 them.
00:32 In both scenarios, eventually I get disappointed because either I have made someone hurt or
00:40 all these wars happen in my mind.
00:44 I fear that I am hurting someone and if I am not hurting someone else, I am hurting
00:48 myself.
00:49 So I am always confused, not exactly confused but while taking decisions, it's really
00:56 a big task to take a decision about anything.
01:00 So how to overcome this fear?
01:03 See it's not that we are afraid of hurting people.
01:12 We are actually afraid that it is bad to hurt people.
01:28 Now how do you know something is bad?
01:36 How do you know something is good?
01:42 If we can clearly know what is good, bad, loosely stated what is right, what is wrong,
01:54 that would solve a lot of your problems.
02:02 You have your examination sheets and your teachers assess you on that, don't they?
02:15 And when your answer is all wrong, how many marks do they accord you?
02:19 Zero.
02:20 Let's say the question carries 10 marks.
02:24 How many do you get?
02:25 The answer is junk, pure trash.
02:30 How many marks do you get?
02:33 Zero.
02:34 The teachers are evil.
02:38 They hurt you so badly.
02:40 Don't they?
02:43 Don't they?
02:44 Please tell me.
02:47 Don't they?
02:51 Today the election results are out and yesterday we had another one being declared.
02:59 Three states, three different political parties.
03:03 The electorate is ruthless, heartless.
03:10 See how it hurts.
03:13 One constituency, there were 34 candidates.
03:16 33 returned hurt or you could say retired hurt.
03:23 Only one won.
03:26 Am I right?
03:29 Why are we not calling the entire electorate as heartless?
03:40 Why are we not?
03:45 Because they are doing what is right.
03:47 And when you do what is right, it is okay.
03:53 If someone gets hurt, it's not your problem.
03:59 Your problem is when you do not know what is right.
04:04 There are two parties fighting a court case.
04:16 Are both of them going to win it?
04:19 Please tell me.
04:22 So, the judge must be a pretty sad person.
04:30 See how he keeps hurting people day in day out.
04:36 First of all, he is judgmental.
04:39 The judge ought to be judgmental.
04:41 What else can he be?
04:44 And secondly, he keeps declaring one party as wrong or bad and he even throws people
04:52 into jail.
04:53 Hell, he even sentences people to death.
05:00 So what do we do?
05:04 We condemn our judges.
05:06 Do we?
05:07 Why?
05:09 See how vicious and violent the judge is.
05:13 He just sentenced somebody to jail or to the gallows.
05:19 You die, that's what the judge is saying.
05:22 These must be pretty bad fellows.
05:26 Why are they not bad people?
05:27 Why are the judges or your teachers or the entire electorate, why are they not bad people?
05:32 Please tell me.
05:35 Because they are doing what is right.
05:40 And if that hurts, that hurts only those who deserve to be hurt.
05:45 And such hurt is not punishment.
05:48 Such hurt is supposed to be a means of self-correction.
05:58 Are your teachers spiteful, angry, vengeful that they give you zero marks when you do
06:06 it wrongly?
06:08 What do the teachers really want?
06:11 That you improve.
06:16 Now what happens if you get 10 out of 10 where you deserve zero?
06:22 What happens?
06:24 You deserve zero but you get 10 because the teacher is trying to be soft and accommodative,
06:31 loving.
06:36 What happens if the teachers start doing that?
06:38 Please tell me.
06:40 I'm glad I never had such teachers.
06:44 Mine were extra strict.
06:46 They gave me 5 even where I deserved 8.
06:50 So I had to do something extra to get even 6 or 7.
06:59 I'm indebted to my teachers.
07:02 What happens when you start getting 10 when you deserve zero?
07:06 Please tell me.
07:08 Please tell me.
07:09 Our hard work stops eventually.
07:13 You know that's what we do to all our loved ones in our relationships.
07:20 We stop showing the mirror to them.
07:23 We start saying because these are people near to me, therefore I must shield them from hurt.
07:34 The more you shield someone from the right results of his or her actions, the more you
07:44 have actually harmed that person.
07:50 One way, in fact one of the best ways any person improves is by facing the consequences
07:59 of her actions and her being.
08:04 This is the way you are.
08:06 Therefore you must face such consequences, Karmphal.
08:13 But we don't allow that to happen.
08:15 We interfere with the very law of action.
08:22 The kid has done something extremely bad.
08:26 The mother is still trying to side with the kid and defend the kid.
08:33 The kid deserves to be censored, right?
08:35 Punished.
08:36 But what's the mother doing?
08:37 What's the mother doing?
08:39 Please tell me.
08:41 There is a little bit of a scuffle, a brawl involving some of your friends.
08:49 So on one side there are two of your friends and on the other side there are two, three
08:53 strangers and you happen to reach that place.
08:59 Which party do you side with?
09:01 Quickly, please tell me.
09:04 Your friends.
09:05 Do you even bother to investigate which of these parties is on the right side?
09:12 Do you?
09:13 No.
09:14 Your first instinct will be to support your friends and that's where we go badly wrong.
09:25 Support rightness.
09:30 Support rightness.
09:31 Remember your central scripture, Srimad Bhagavad Gita.
09:40 If even your brothers, teachers, relatives, loved ones are on the side of evil, you have
09:51 to fight them.
09:53 That's what Shri Krishna is constantly telling Arjun.
09:57 Fight them.
10:01 And you are not fighting persons.
10:03 You are fighting a flawed principle.
10:08 It's not those persons that you are firing at or shooting at.
10:17 You are fighting the flawed, wicked principle that they stand for.
10:28 But we don't do that.
10:31 Parents defend kids and kids defend parents and in the process a lot of nonsense keeps
10:41 cooking.
10:45 You remember the father of our friend Duryodhana?
10:52 What was he doing all the time?
10:57 The entire kingdom, the entire country, even the animals everywhere knew that Duryodhana
11:06 was acting wickedly.
11:11 There was only one person in the kingdom who didn't see that.
11:14 Who was that blind one?
11:18 Dhritarashtra.
11:22 And he was like, "Oh, how can I hurt my son?"
11:27 He has some legitimate aspirations.
11:30 Some teeny weeny things he wants, a little bit, you know, like the crown, the throne,
11:40 like the control of the entire country.
11:44 Only this much he wants, some little toys.
11:49 How do I break his little heart?
11:55 The same thing happens from the kid's side.
12:00 Now that we are referring to Mahabharata, that also reminds me of what is stated as
12:08 one of the fundamental reasons that led to the grand war.
12:14 There was this son who decided to defend a very ordinary kind of desire his father expressed.
12:31 So there is the king and the king has seen a fisherwoman taking bath and he gets enthralled.
12:41 He says, "I want to marry her."
12:46 Now the fisherwoman Satyavati is smart and her father is actually shrewd.
12:55 So they say, "Even if she gets married to you, how will she ever become the dominant,
13:06 the powerful queen because from a previous marriage you already have a son and the name
13:12 of that son was Bhishma.
13:18 He will become the king."
13:22 So the father goes and tells the son, "You know, son, and the son is already grown up."
13:29 And the father has been enamored by the young fisherwoman.
13:34 "Son, I want to have that girl as your new mother but she says that you will become the
13:44 king so can you help me out?"
13:50 So just like most of us here, he says, "Because my parents want something, they should not feel hurt."
14:01 A grand oath he takes and what does he swear?
14:07 Bhishma Pratyagya, we still use that word.
14:10 What does he say?
14:12 I will never accept the throne.
14:15 I shall always be a guardian to the throne but never an occupant.
14:23 But the girl is still not satisfied.
14:25 She says, "You know, he might not become the king himself but he is already so grown up.
14:31 Very soon he will marry.
14:32 Maybe he will marry after his father does and then he will have sons and they will become
14:39 claimants to the throne."
14:44 So Bhishma again to defend the father says, "I swear that I will not marry at all."
14:54 So no question of any kids, therefore no question of any competition to Satyavati's would-be kids.
15:05 And this kind of mollycoddling led to the war in which innumerous people died.
15:21 That's when you try to defend your relationships too much.
15:28 That's when you try to not hurt your kids, your parents, your friends, your brothers,
15:37 your sisters, your husband, your wife.
15:40 He wants that.
15:41 How do I deny it?
15:44 Come on, it's not a question of whether or not he wants it.
15:47 It's a question of whether or not it is the right thing.
15:53 Rightness must take precedence over relationship.
15:58 Can you remember this please?
16:01 What is right is more important than anything else in the world.
16:06 Else you will have Mahabharata like wars again and again, over and over.
16:18 Are you getting it?
16:23 On one hand you should not be afraid of accepting when you are on the right side of things.
16:30 Be humble, be truthful, be polite and be brave.
16:36 If you know that you are misled, wrong, simply accept it.
16:52 Equally if you know that others are insisting wrongly on something improper, never yield,
17:05 never succumb.
17:08 Yes, obviously truth does hurt.
17:15 But when truth hurts someone, it is not your fault.
17:20 Fold your hands, bow your head down and tell them, I know you are feeling hurt.
17:30 But that's neither my intention nor my action.
17:35 Neither do I intend to hurt you nor have you been hurt by my action.
17:41 What hurts you is your own inner falseness and I am not responsible for that.
17:50 There are a few things that every person must only individually bear.
17:58 Nobody else can take care of that.
18:02 If a father is standing for something false, the father alone will have to bear the consequences.
18:13 And when the father is bearing the consequences, the daughter cannot be responsible.
18:20 So the daughter has to simply say, I know you are feeling offended.
18:27 But I didn't do that.
18:28 It's your own doing.
18:31 I can only request and pray that you improve yourself as much as and as soon as possible.
18:44 And if I can be of any assistance, any help in the process of your improvement, obviously
18:49 I am available.
18:57 A lot of evil in the world is only because we are just too afraid of hurting falseness.
19:11 And somehow this tendency is found more in the so-called good people.
19:20 If you are a nice chap, you will be reluctant to hurt someone.
19:25 But if you are reluctant to hurt, then unintentionally you will find yourself siding with the evil.
19:38 Which side did Bhishma fight on in the Mahabharata war?
19:45 The wrong side.
19:46 Imagine fighting against Krishna.
19:50 Why?
19:52 Because you are a nice chap.
19:54 What is going on?
19:55 I am a nice chap.
19:58 So what do I have to do?
20:01 I have to fight Krishna.
20:03 What's going on?
20:06 You want to land yourself in that kind of a mess where you have to find goodness itself
20:13 because you are a nice person.
20:16 How many of you have experienced this?
20:19 Landing in a soup because you are a nice chap.
20:21 And then we say, oh, you know, good guys finish last.
20:25 No, good guys don't finish last.
20:34 Ignorant guys finish last.
20:35 It is possible to be nice but ignorant of the truth.
20:41 And then niceness will not help.
20:45 You must learn to say no.
20:49 And you must be brave enough to say yes.
20:57 It's just that yes has to be said to the right thing and no too has to be said to the thing
21:03 that deserves a no.
21:06 Unambiguously you should be able to make the distinction.
21:10 When you say yes, stand by it.
21:17 Do not say yes too frequently.
21:19 But when you say yes, live by it.
21:25 And when you say no, don't feel ashamed of it.
21:31 Some random thing has come to you and the fellow is begging you to say yes.
21:36 Why must you feel pressurized?
21:41 But because we are nice people, we just can't say no.
21:47 You must roar out a no to all the nonsense unabashedly.
21:56 Otherwise even your yes will not carry any weight.
22:02 Yes carries any meaning only when you have said no ten times.
22:09 And that must be the ratio.
22:11 Ten no's and then one yes.
22:19 Then that one yes has sacredness.
22:23 Then that one yes is something you can invest, you devote, surrender your life to.
22:35 Otherwise you keep saying yes to all the little things and that doesn't mean anything.
22:45 Are you getting it?
22:51 Or do you want to be like Bhishma?
22:55 In your last days, what do you find yourself doing?
23:00 Defending Duryodhana.
23:04 And even then Duryodhana is constantly giving you an earful.
23:09 Even in his last days, Bhishma did not get any respect from Duryodhana.
23:19 And it was Duryodhana he was fighting alongside.
23:29 You say you worship sacredness, do you want to be aligned against goodness, Gita?
23:46 Just think, Krishna is narrating the Gita to Arjuna.
23:57 And all this while what does Bhishma find himself doing?
24:01 Right in front of him, and he is a very very respectable old man, he is a very good man.
24:12 And right in front of him, there is Gita being delivered to Arjuna.
24:18 And what is Bhishma doing?
24:20 He is readying himself with his bow and arrows to fire at Krishna and Arjuna.
24:31 Such a sad scene from the perspective of the old man, is it not?
24:38 Your entire life has been one of righteousness, discipline, dharma.
24:47 And in your last war, you find yourself devoid of the Gita.
24:52 Not only are you devoid of the Gita, you have to fire against the process of the Gita.
25:02 Is that not sad?
25:05 Is that not really heart-wrenching?
25:07 Think of it.
25:08 Do you want that to become your destiny?
25:11 But that's what happens to most people who are just nice without being truthful.
25:20 That's how most of us are.
25:22 None of us are bad fellows, are we?
25:25 How many of us are really vicious here?
25:27 How many?
25:31 The filmy kind of wickedness, how many of us display that?
25:36 I don't suppose.
25:40 You look pretty decent chaps, all of you.
25:47 But most of us will finish our lives devoid of the Gita.
25:54 When I say Gita, I mean goodness.
25:57 Why?
25:58 Because we are nice people.
26:01 Therefore we cannot say no to the Duryodhans around us.
26:09 And it's these who are around us that hurt us the most.
26:14 Remember the war was not between strangers.
26:18 The war was between family members.
26:24 Often it is those who are related to you by chance or by blood.
26:34 They are the ones you need to stand up against.
26:41 That's the real battle.
26:44 That's the problem Arjun was facing.
26:45 He was saying how do I fight against my own kith and kin.
26:49 Krishna said nothing doing.
26:52 Truth is truth.
26:53 Dharma is dharma.
26:59 If even your own brother is siding with evil, adharma, he needs to be not only fought but
27:09 actually killed if needed.
27:19 You will not become a bad girl if you oppose nonsense.
27:25 And nonsense is nonsense irrespective of where it comes from.
27:30 If it comes from within your own mind, it is still nonsense.
27:34 Learn to slap yourself hard.
27:38 Why should we not?
27:41 And don't we see how this thing here is a great breeder of nonsense?
27:47 How many of you disagree with that?
27:52 It's a nonsense churning factory, is it not?
27:56 When that happens, don't support yourself.
28:01 Useless feelings, random thoughts, don't they just come and possess you from within?
28:10 Please tell me.
28:11 Does that happen or not?
28:13 When that happens, don't be afraid of saying no.
28:20 And now you are saying no to yourself.
28:24 So learn to say no to yourself.
28:26 And when you say no to yourself, you find it's not very difficult to say no to others,
28:32 irrespective of how deeply they are related to you.
28:38 In fact, your first deep relationship is with yourself, right?
28:42 So if you can say no to yourself, it will become easy and possible for you to say no
28:48 to others as well.
28:52 And saying no is not a crime.
28:59 You do not become a bad girl if you say no.
29:02 A bigger problem is to be a nice girl away from the truth.
29:13 In fact, if it means that you will be called a bad girl if you side with the truth, be
29:23 ready to be called a bad girl.
29:27 Yes, I'm a bad girl.
29:29 If being truthful means being called bad, I'm prepared to be called bad.
29:38 But nothing is higher than the reality.
29:41 Nothing takes precedence over the truth.
29:45 That's what I respect most.
29:46 That's what is sacred.
29:50 Does this make sense?
29:52 Good.
29:53 Thank you.
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