Can a couples therapist tell what is really going on in a relationship based solely on observing a couple building difficult IKEA furniture? Watch three couples of various relationship histories build a desk within a 1-hour time limit as clinical social worker Chris Roque secretly watches their body language, communication styles and approaches to conflict from a monitor. Find out his relationship observations and insights from the stress test!
Chris Roque
Web: chrisroquepsychotherapy.com IG: @letstalknuance
Director: Claire Buss
Director of Photography: Ben Dewey
Editor: Jess Lane
Talent: Amanda Ribnick; Gabby Allen; Eward Greene; Corynne Pettiford; Sara Cuozzo; Will Alderson
Expert: Chris Roque
Creative Producer: Tyrice Hester
Line Producer: Jen Santos
Producer: Meah Barrington
Associate Producer: Amy Haskour; Shelby Boamah
Production Manager: Natasha Soto-Albors
Production Coordinator: Tania Jones
Casting Producer: Nicole Ford
Camera Operator: Kirsten Potts
Gaffer: Jeremy Harris
Audio Engineer: Sean Paulsen, Michael Guggino
Production Assistant: Nicholas Sims
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Post Production Coordinator: Scout Alter
Supervising Editor: Erica Dillman
Additional Editor: Jason Malizia
Assistant Editor: Andy Morell
Graphics Supervisor: Ross Rackin
Designer: Lea Kichler
Animation: Sam Fuller
Chris Roque
Web: chrisroquepsychotherapy.com IG: @letstalknuance
Director: Claire Buss
Director of Photography: Ben Dewey
Editor: Jess Lane
Talent: Amanda Ribnick; Gabby Allen; Eward Greene; Corynne Pettiford; Sara Cuozzo; Will Alderson
Expert: Chris Roque
Creative Producer: Tyrice Hester
Line Producer: Jen Santos
Producer: Meah Barrington
Associate Producer: Amy Haskour; Shelby Boamah
Production Manager: Natasha Soto-Albors
Production Coordinator: Tania Jones
Casting Producer: Nicole Ford
Camera Operator: Kirsten Potts
Gaffer: Jeremy Harris
Audio Engineer: Sean Paulsen, Michael Guggino
Production Assistant: Nicholas Sims
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Post Production Coordinator: Scout Alter
Supervising Editor: Erica Dillman
Additional Editor: Jason Malizia
Assistant Editor: Andy Morell
Graphics Supervisor: Ross Rackin
Designer: Lea Kichler
Animation: Sam Fuller
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (groaning)
00:07 - I'm a little frazzled.
00:09 - No compliments, she hates me everybody.
00:11 - That's funny.
00:12 (laughing)
00:15 - [Producer] Hold your eyes, your time starts now.
00:18 - Oh, all right, let's go Ikea.
00:21 - Ah, I knew it, I knew it.
00:24 - Oh my God, we just moved into an apartment, so.
00:26 - This is perfect.
00:27 - This is perfect.
00:28 - We've been building furniture for like the last two weeks.
00:31 - I've never seen somebody so excited to build furniture.
00:35 Some things I'll be looking out for is like,
00:37 how well are they communicating?
00:38 How well are they being kind to each other?
00:41 How well are they delegating tasks?
00:44 - We need a table to build the table.
00:46 It says to build it on a table.
00:49 (laughing)
00:51 - The world is your table sometimes.
00:53 (laughing)
00:54 - I've built a desk before, but it wasn't this difficult.
00:58 But I think we can do it.
00:59 I think--
01:00 - I think we can get to some stopping point.
01:03 - Really like how affirming Sarah is,
01:07 which I think is really important
01:08 when you're faced with something new.
01:10 So affirmations and words of affirmation
01:13 I think are really helpful in scenarios like this.
01:15 They're kind of like gentle nudges
01:17 to get people to stay connected and present.
01:21 - We came into this to like win,
01:22 so I was like, all right, I trust you.
01:24 And she's like, don't be upset,
01:26 don't just, be patient with me.
01:28 I'm very patient, so.
01:30 - He is very patient.
01:31 - Yeah.
01:32 Plus it's always about the end result.
01:33 - Normally I just jump into it.
01:34 I'm actually really bad with reading directions.
01:36 I just am like, all right, let's do it.
01:38 And then I like mess something up every single time.
01:42 - And it's a win it.
01:42 You know what it is?
01:43 Most people probably leave here when they don't get it.
01:45 It's like, it's your fault.
01:46 (laughing)
01:47 If you would've listened to me.
01:48 - I told you, right?
01:49 - Right, that's what they do, right?
01:49 - Don't do that to me.
01:50 - If you would've listened to me.
01:51 Nah, I won't say that.
01:52 - Okay.
01:53 - We just might not go out later.
01:54 (laughing)
01:55 - Nah, I wouldn't do that.
01:56 I wouldn't do that.
01:57 - Okay, we try and rub this here.
01:58 - That's funny.
01:59 (laughing)
02:00 Clearly it's kind of a light play here,
02:04 but punishing somebody through absence
02:08 is very painful in relationships.
02:11 Saying that we will leave or that we'll go
02:14 doesn't lend itself to security.
02:17 - I'm gonna think about step eight.
02:19 - Okay.
02:19 - Okay.
02:20 - Think about step eight and get back to me.
02:22 (laughing)
02:23 - I'm the project manager.
02:25 Most of the time she comes up with the plans.
02:28 She's like, "We're gonna be doing this on this time."
02:29 And I'm like, "Okay."
02:31 - I think Will and Sarah's dynamic is really curious
02:34 in that the more vocal partner
02:39 will often take up more space in a session.
02:42 But what I'm really interested in is how Will is processing.
02:47 It just may not look like how Sarah is verbalizing,
02:51 but I can see that he's thinking and being thoughtful.
02:53 (laughing)
02:56 - I'm perfectly fine with this way.
02:58 (laughing)
03:02 You're a strong woman.
03:04 - I know, I know.
03:05 - I'm not gonna ask you, be like,
03:08 "Do you want me to do that?"
03:08 No.
03:09 - Thank you.
03:10 - Of course.
03:11 - I feel like we are both able to do this type of activity.
03:14 I really enjoy following directions,
03:16 so it's kind of like a treat for me, you know?
03:21 - Yeah, physically, I do think the division of labor
03:24 seems much more equal than all the other couples, right?
03:27 It's like both of them are actually on their knees
03:30 figuring it out together, which I think is really nice.
03:32 - I mean, I want to complete it in time,
03:35 but if we didn't, I wouldn't sweat it as much, you know?
03:38 Just take away that it was a fun experience.
03:40 Him, he'll be sitting there thinking, "Ah, yeah!"
03:44 - Okay, if I could create a twin of myself,
03:47 I would do it just to compete.
03:48 - Yeah, definitely.
03:50 - Just to sit up there and compete against people.
03:51 - I am a very competitive person,
03:53 and I just, I really want it to be perfect,
03:55 and I want to get it done in time,
03:57 and I want to do it faster than the other couples.
04:00 - Oh, yes, okay, that's the--
04:01 - So this one goes first,
04:02 and because the dot is on this side,
04:04 then it should be reversed, so it's where it should be.
04:07 - What?
04:09 - Basically, I'm saying I'm right.
04:10 (inhaling)
04:13 - Breathing exercises working?
04:15 - Yep.
04:16 - That doesn't look right, but, oh, okay.
04:18 - Okay.
04:19 - Hold on, oh, yeah, because this is why I tell you
04:22 we have to read directions.
04:24 - Oh, that's for babies.
04:25 (laughing)
04:27 Read directions for babies.
04:28 - I mean, as a therapist, whenever somebody says,
04:30 "Oh, this is like, you know,
04:31 "references something in childhood,"
04:33 it's like really fun, 'cause now you're like,
04:35 you get a little peek into their psyche
04:38 without them even knowing it.
04:39 We call them door handles.
04:42 It's kind of like entryways into a person's subconscious,
04:45 and he was so clearly anti-instructions
04:50 and equated it to being childish.
04:52 I think what sparked my therapist mind
04:56 was why is it so bad to be a kid?
04:59 - Well--
04:59 - I'm at like a three.
05:00 - You're at a three?
05:01 I'm like a six right now.
05:02 - I...
05:03 - I'm like at a level six stress.
05:07 This, this, ah!
05:09 This might raise it.
05:10 (clanging)
05:12 (sighing)
05:13 (groaning)
05:14 - She's kind of fluctuating between
05:16 like the duress of the situation,
05:20 feeling really anxious, confused, don't know what to do.
05:23 And I noticed that she kind of looks back at Will
05:25 at various times and ask if he is good.
05:28 And I think that's just a really interesting way
05:30 that she may be coping with her own anxiety.
05:33 - I'm having so much fun.
05:34 Are you having fun?
05:35 - I am in a Zen mode right now.
05:36 - Good.
05:38 - In therapy, we call it attunement.
05:40 How people build connection is
05:42 through this level of attunement,
05:44 the closer that couples are attuned.
05:45 I think that's a good barometer of,
05:48 are they able to stay connected despite feeling
05:52 like every part of them wants to get away.
05:54 Attunement is the act of that whole part of looking back.
05:57 - Now that the time is, who's that?
05:59 I think I'm at a seven.
06:02 - That one's good.
06:03 I'm at zero.
06:04 - Six or seven, I knew he was gonna say that.
06:05 - I'm at zero.
06:06 - I knew it.
06:07 (laughing)
06:08 This doesn't stress you out a little bit.
06:09 And it's weird because he's the one who wants to really win
06:12 but not one bullet right now.
06:14 I'm a little frazzled.
06:17 - Seven.
06:19 That's surprising.
06:20 Just because somebody isn't verbalizing
06:22 their worry or concern,
06:24 it doesn't mean that the other person
06:26 is not holding it for them.
06:27 - Well, Gabby, I would say is being very patient.
06:30 - I am being patient, thank you.
06:32 - Nothing for me.
06:35 No compliments, she hates me, everybody.
06:38 - No, I think you're wonderful.
06:39 I think, yeah, I think you're doing a good job.
06:41 You're, I mean, we're working well together right now.
06:45 - Right now.
06:45 - We're gonna get there.
06:48 - We usually work well together.
06:49 - So if this couple were in couple therapy with me
06:52 and they had that interaction,
06:53 I would want to know what Amanda is really wanting
06:56 from Gabby.
06:57 She seems really wanting some sort of verbal affirmation.
07:02 And it seems like Gabby is having a hard time giving.
07:07 - Can you go a little faster?
07:11 - I'm going as fast as the screw will let me.
07:13 - Two minutes. - Oh, God.
07:15 I cannot get these into my fingers.
07:17 - Attention.
07:18 - We would have had it if we'd read the directions.
07:21 - Gabby, now is not the time.
07:22 - We're just gonna not finish it.
07:24 - Well, it's still gonna be a table.
07:26 It's just not gonna be one that can like.
07:28 - We did it.
07:30 - It's still a table.
07:32 You can still, you know, have tea on it.
07:34 You can do whatever.
07:36 You can-- - Cry.
07:37 - You can cry on it.
07:40 - Close enough.
07:42 - Close enough.
07:43 (grunting)
07:45 - Put down your tools.
07:47 - We got close.
07:51 - Amanda, would it be of interest to assess the table
07:53 behind you guys for a moment?
07:54 - Okay.
07:56 - You said we weren't getting graded.
07:58 - All right, it's time to meet the couples.
08:01 - Nice to meet you.
08:01 - I'm the IKEA inspector.
08:03 - Oh, boy.
08:04 - I'm just kidding.
08:05 I'm a couples therapist,
08:06 and I actually have been watching you in the other room.
08:08 - Oh, okay. - Yeah.
08:10 You're a little bit scared, yeah.
08:12 And I've actually been in the other room.
08:13 (laughing)
08:15 I've actually been in the other room.
08:16 And I've actually been in the other room
08:17 watching you the entire time that you've been building.
08:20 Don't fret.
08:21 My role here is simply to describe
08:23 and provide some observations.
08:25 I'm not here to diagnose.
08:26 Sarah, you got down, you were looking at the instructions,
08:29 and Will, you were the kind of doer.
08:30 - Yeah.
08:31 - Is that kind of sort of symbolic of how things happen
08:35 when you're not maybe on camera?
08:36 - We do tend to stick to what our strengths
08:38 and weaknesses are.
08:40 But I mean, yeah, it might be nice to switch things up
08:43 sometimes and practice working on those weaknesses
08:48 and switch.
08:49 - I really like there was a moment where you were pointing,
08:52 and okay, the arrow points this way,
08:53 so you can do that here.
08:54 It wasn't a directive.
08:57 It was really a teaching moment
08:59 of this is how you can kind of take this
09:00 and replicate it so that I don't have to do it.
09:03 And I think that's just such a good example
09:04 of interdependency.
09:06 You said you were just moved in together, right?
09:08 Congratulations, right? - Thank you.
09:09 - It's always a test of any relationship
09:11 is living together.
09:12 When things are familiar, we see safety in that.
09:15 And this was familiar to you.
09:17 You navigated it before.
09:19 And so it's just a good example
09:20 that though you'll probably encounter things
09:23 that are unfamiliar, there's transferable skills.
09:25 And I think you have great foundation to do that.
09:27 - Okay, thanks.
09:29 - Yeah.
09:29 - I love you.
09:30 - I love you.
09:32 - Thank you for your guidance.
09:33 (laughing)
09:36 (upbeat music)