Matapos ma-diagnose na may autoimmune disease na Alopecia, nakatanggap pa raw ng masasakit na komento si Kelley. “May nagko-comment na buhok lang 'yan, OA naman siya.”
Trigger warning: episode discusses mental health issues like panic attacks, anxiety and depression.
Trigger warning: episode discusses mental health issues like panic attacks, anxiety and depression.
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NewsTranscript
00:00 [Music]
00:12 Kelly, it's nice to see you again.
00:14 Nice to see you.
00:16 Okay, Kelly, take me back to that time,
00:20 to your story in your speech,
00:23 that you had this day that you didn't notice,
00:30 and then all of a sudden,
00:32 suddenly, a lot of hair was removed from you.
00:37 How did that happen? When did that happen?
00:39 October 2018,
00:42 when I first found my alopecia,
00:45 which was the size of a coin,
00:48 it was on the back of my head.
00:50 I just felt it,
00:52 I felt something was very smooth in my hair.
00:55 And then when I checked in the mirror,
00:58 and I had to take a photo from behind,
01:01 I saw that there was a circle of hair missing.
01:05 So I freaked out.
01:08 I called my dad, he said, "What's happening to me?
01:10 Is all my hair falling out?"
01:12 And he told me to search on Google "alopecia."
01:16 So when I searched it, I thought,
01:18 "Okay, this is a condition that people have.
01:21 It's never new."
01:22 And I guess I was told,
01:26 "Just don't think about it. Don't stress."
01:30 Because I was going through something very stressful.
01:33 Me and my boyfriend at the time were fighting,
01:36 and I was so emotional and work stuff.
01:40 It was just all at once.
01:42 And I think that kind of triggered it.
01:45 So I said, "Okay, I'm not going to stress
01:47 about these things anymore.
01:48 Whatever happens, happens."
01:50 No way. It really grew that big.
01:52 You didn't notice.
01:54 I never noticed it, never thought about it.
01:57 Because it was really on the back.
02:00 And I was in shock.
02:02 So I went to see a doctor eventually,
02:05 and the doctor told me I should get a blood test first
02:08 to see if there's any underlying causes.
02:11 Because sometimes, everyone gets stressed, right?
02:14 But not everyone gets alopecia.
02:16 So maybe there's an imbalance in your vitamins
02:22 or in hormones,
02:24 or maybe you have an autoimmune condition.
02:27 So there's plenty of causes that could relate
02:30 to why you have alopecia.
02:32 So it's important not just to fix the hair,
02:35 but to figure out what's going on.
02:37 If there's anything else that needs addressing medically.
02:42 So because I hate blood tests,
02:46 my doctor said, "You know what?
02:48 Take your time. Whenever you're ready,
02:50 here's a prescription for your blood test.
02:52 Whenever you're ready, do it."
02:55 I never felt ready, but there was a point
02:57 that I needed to really fix this.
03:00 Because I was working that time,
03:02 I was doing pageants,
03:04 I was doing talasere,
03:06 and it was very difficult to cover.
03:09 And I was still hiding it at the time.
03:11 I wasn't public about it.
03:13 So I decided, I think it's time I do this blood test.
03:19 Because by that time, it's the size of my hand.
03:22 So it's getting bigger.
03:25 Yeah.
03:26 It was actually three,
03:30 but then they all grew and then all became one.
03:33 It's like a world map.
03:35 And then all the countries come together.
03:39 So yeah, eventually I did my blood test.
03:43 I found that I have vitamin D deficiency,
03:46 which is actually what my doctor predicted.
03:49 Because that's very common now.
03:51 Especially if you're working indoors a lot.
03:55 Even if you have an office job,
03:57 you're deficient in vitamin D
03:59 because that comes from the sun.
04:01 And you need a really big boost of it.
04:04 So I started taking supplements.
04:07 And then I started my treatment,
04:09 which was a microneedling treatment,
04:11 which was very expensive.
04:13 Very painful.
04:15 Well, the one that I chose,
04:17 the reason why it's so expensive
04:19 is because I wanted a painless treatment.
04:23 Because I hate needles, right?
04:25 So the treatment I had was not the typical
04:28 alopecia treatment that you can get in any clinic.
04:31 It was microneedling,
04:33 and we had anesthesia and everything.
04:35 So for me, it was quite a relaxing experience
04:39 as much as my doctor could make it for me.
04:41 And I had to do treatments every few weeks.
04:45 And I think a few months later,
04:48 pandemic hit.
04:49 So, of course, all the clinics got closed.
04:52 Luckily, I had done enough treatments
04:55 prior to the pandemic
04:57 that it stimulated the hair growth.
05:00 So by the end of the pandemic,
05:02 or let's say like one or two years now
05:05 since pandemic started,
05:07 my hair was fully grown back.
05:09 But last year, I also went through some stress.
05:13 And then after a few months,
05:17 I saw that I got alopecia again.
05:20 And for me, it's like a reminder.
05:22 My body's telling me,
05:23 "You need to slow down.
05:24 You need to look after yourself a bit more."
05:27 So I don't...
05:29 What works for me is not being angry about it
05:32 or not hating it.
05:33 It's more like, you know, it is a part of me
05:36 and it's a part of me that's looking out for me.
05:39 At least it's not a condition that, you know,
05:43 that puts me in hospital or disables me.
05:47 I'm still able to do all the things
05:49 that I do in my life.
05:51 But yeah, it's just like an indication
05:54 that you need to look after your health,
05:56 maybe take your supplements.
05:58 I confided to you that my sister had alopecia,
06:02 mild alopecia, when she was pregnant.
06:05 And my husband, actually, I don't know,
06:08 it's genetics kasi.
06:10 Yung dad niya had, you know,
06:12 yung thinning and then nawawala na yung hair
06:15 and then ganoon na rin siya.
06:17 Okay, it's probably a lot of people will say
06:22 na parang, "Hmm, bohok lang yan," you know,
06:25 "Doesn't really matter."
06:26 Pero I've seen them eh.
06:28 I've seen how it affected their self-confidence.
06:33 Absolutely.
06:34 Nung nagingin public ako about it,
06:36 there was, 'cause I did it during my pageant advocacy.
06:41 So, there was a video of me talking,
06:44 openly admitting about my alopecia
06:47 and it was my first time.
06:48 So, I was crying, you know,
06:50 it was a very raw and emotional moment for me.
06:53 And it was posted online.
06:55 Tas, I think, GMA News posted it
06:58 and then may nangka-comment na,
07:02 "Bohok lang yan, O.A. naman siya,
07:05 bohok lang naman, will grow back."
07:07 And that did dishearten me for a little bit.
07:11 But I guess I tried to give the benefit of the doubt
07:17 na parang, imagine if it wasn't me that had alopecia,
07:20 let's say my friend.
07:21 Baka I would also think, you know,
07:23 "It's just hair."
07:25 But when it happens to you,
07:28 ang scary part is you don't know
07:31 when is it gonna stop.
07:32 Like, until what point is your hair gonna grow back
07:36 or will it ever grow back?
07:38 And I think that we spend,
07:41 everyone spends a lot of time on their hair.
07:43 We shower, we style our hair,
07:46 it makes us feel confident,
07:48 it makes us feel, look good.
07:50 It changes our look a lot.
07:52 Like, if I have my hair like this right now,
07:54 I think I look younger.
07:56 But then if I do like this,
07:58 I look a little more sultry or older.
08:01 It's actually everybody's crowning glory, eh.
08:04 You treat your hair like a part of your body.
08:07 And imagine losing a part, a limb,
08:10 like an arm or a leg.
08:12 And maybe it's not as physically painful,
08:15 but emotionally you don't know
08:16 how it might impact that person talaga.
08:19 You know, until you know what it,
08:20 until you've been through it,
08:21 you can't say how bad it really is.
08:24 And I guess like,
08:28 one important thing for me that I learned
08:30 is when you open up and become an advocate
08:34 or join a community for it,
08:36 you really feel like,
08:38 "I'm not alone pala."
08:39 Like, there are sometimes there are people
08:41 that have a worse condition than me,
08:44 but I still see that they're doing the things
08:46 they love to do.
08:47 They still look beautiful.
08:49 So why can't I?
08:51 And that's where I gave my confidence,
08:53 actually, in the community.
08:55 Pero nung time na nakakaranas ka nung alopecia,
09:00 how did it affect you?
09:02 Ano ang mga nangyari sa 'yo nung time na 'yon?
09:05 Ano ang mga iniisip mo?
09:07 Naisip ko kailangan ko mag-back out sa pageant.
09:11 Like it was that bad?
09:12 Yeah, kasi I thought, you know,
09:15 like I'm gonna lose all my hair siguro.
09:18 How can I get ready every day
09:21 and I have to put the extensions,
09:23 I have to cover it up?
09:25 And it was getting very difficult to cover up
09:27 na kahit anong hairstyle.
09:29 Hindi ko siya ma-cover talaga.
09:32 And I was also embarrassed sa mga hairstylists
09:36 sa work ko that if they see it
09:39 or if other mga artista,
09:41 kasi in the dressing room,
09:43 sometimes there are other artistas passing by.
09:46 And then may nag-hair sa akin,
09:49 hairstyle sa akin,
09:50 and then baka makita nila.
09:52 So I'm like, uh...
09:54 So naihiya ka nung time na 'yon?
09:56 Um, sometimes, yeah.
09:58 I would cry.
10:00 But I had my father was like
10:04 someone that really encouraged me
10:07 to be brave about it.
10:09 Since he was the first person I told.
10:13 And then he actually suggested to me
10:17 nung nagba-pageant ako.
10:18 This was Miss World Philippines 2019,
10:21 my first pageant pa.
10:23 He told me I should shave my head
10:26 and then just not even worry about it.
10:29 You know, like stop trying to cover it up,
10:31 stop trying to hide it.
10:33 Shave your head and just wear that crown.
10:37 And I was like, "Ooh, hang on."
10:39 Like, not yet 'cause I still have a lot of hair,
10:42 but it's just...
10:44 He was the one that encouraged me
10:46 to advocate for alopecia awareness.
10:48 Kasi plan ako actually was to advocate
10:51 for animal rescue,
10:54 which is also I'm passionate about.
10:56 That's why I have this rescue kit in here.
11:00 I love animals and, you know, helping strays.
11:04 But yeah, my dad said,
11:05 "Try something more personal
11:08 and relevant in this time for you."
11:11 So yeah, it was something that really was holding me back
11:15 in terms of my confidence and ability to work.
11:18 And then I used it, ended up using it in my work.
11:22 And yeah, it gave me a lot more confidence.
11:26 And I'm sure all through the years,
11:28 you've met a lot of people
11:30 who were going through the same thing.
11:33 And I know you've reached out to them.
11:36 Ano yung mga sinasabi nila sa'yo, Kelly?
11:40 Anong yung nag-reach out sa'kin?
11:41 Even mga friends that message me
11:44 and they say like,
11:45 "Hey, you're the only person that I know
11:47 that's had this, so can you advise me?
11:50 What should I do?"
11:51 Mostly it's advice.
11:53 Anong treatments,
11:56 anong shampoo ginagamit ko,
11:58 or mga things like that,
12:00 how to maintain it and control it.
12:02 Things like that.
12:03 I get messages on Instagram
12:06 or even personal messages from friends.
12:09 And even when I meet people,
12:12 like when I met you and we were talking about it,
12:15 either that person I'm talking to also had it before,
12:18 or they know someone and we share stories about it.
12:23 Pero weird lang kasi sa family ko wala.
12:26 It's actually just...
12:27 So ikaw lang talaga?
12:28 Just me.
12:30 I'm the chosen one.
12:33 Pero my father had some autoimmune conditions.
12:37 And alopecia is considered an autoimmune condition.
12:41 So siguro it was like a hereditary,
12:44 genetically, that I got it.
12:46 I got autoimmunity from him.
12:49 Pero yung symptoms ko is different to him.
12:52 My symptom is hair loss.
12:53 Sa kanya may skin conditions.
12:56 So may parang sometimes if you have a doctor,
13:00 they can look at your family history
13:02 and try to, I guess, indicate where,
13:05 anong cause, or saan galing yung hair loss.
13:10 I'm a girl, I'm still young.
13:13 26 ako and I got it when I was maybe 22, 23.
13:18 Very unusual for someone of my age and my gender
13:25 to get hair loss like that.
13:28 So yeah, I think, siguro genetic siya.
13:32 So, okay, the first thing that you should do
13:37 pag nakita mo na, okay,
13:40 I'm having a bald spot somewhere in my head.
13:45 Ano ba 'to?
13:47 You should consult a doctor na bagat?
13:50 Or pakiramdaman mo muna, baka it's going to grow back?
13:54 Or ano pa?
13:55 Siguro depends on the individual.
13:59 Kasi pag fresh siya, new,
14:02 it would be difficult for the doctor to determine
14:05 if your hair will be able to grow back or hindi.
14:08 Kasi may cases of alopecia, may klaseng alopecia
14:12 that your hair will be permanently gone.
14:16 And the doctor will be able to see that
14:19 if there's no hair growth.
14:23 But if the doctor can notice na parang other signs of hair growth,
14:28 and that usually comes after, let's say,
14:30 like a month of your hair coming out,
14:32 then they can say, "Okay, looks like your hair will grow back
14:35 so we can begin treatment."
14:37 So that's one thing to consider.
14:39 It's not necessarily na the doctor can tell you kaagad
14:43 that your hair's going to grow back
14:45 and it won't grow any longer, grow any bigger.
14:49 Actually, sa alopecia, it's very unpredictable.
14:52 Yunang medyo scary thing about alopecia,
14:56 it's like, it will stop.
14:58 So for me, I guess I would,
15:01 if I have awareness about alopecia and it happens to me,
15:04 I might wait like a few weeks, just monitor it,
15:07 see if it's getting worse or kung same size lang siya,
15:12 like take pictures and then compare.
15:15 And if you feel like it's getting worse,
15:18 it's probably a good idea to consult with a doctor.
15:21 It's such a very common condition that any dermatologist
15:25 or clinic will be aware of it.
15:28 And they've seen it so many times, so no need to be shy.
15:31 And I was reading about it, ano.
15:33 Sabi nga nila like parang, you know,
15:37 on the superficial side of it,
15:39 yung the cosmetic side of things,
15:41 it's just hair, you know.
15:43 You can actually just parang dead man na kung nakalabo ko.
15:49 Especially like parang, di ba, for men,
15:51 they would just shave their heads.
15:53 Kasi ang sinasuggest ng mga doctors is,
15:58 after a while, na nakikita mo it's really growing,
16:02 you should consult a doctor because it could be a sign,
16:05 it could be a symptom of something.
16:08 Yes. I would always suggest to see a doctor.
16:11 I guess I want to consider that not all listeners
16:14 or viewers of the podcast have the means to go for a checkup
16:20 or to have the money to do that.
16:23 Kasi minsan mahal siya.
16:25 Depends where you go, but it's subjective, you know.
16:28 Maybe people have other priorities with their money.
16:32 So I guess a more affordable option,
16:35 like don't need to go kaagad to a doctor to see
16:39 unless you see na parang it's really getting worse.
16:42 Siguro 'yun, that's an indication that maybe there's an underlying problem.
16:47 Kasi may ikilala din ako, like even my hair stylists,
16:52 they say like, "Yeah, I had alopecia."
16:54 It was like, sa kanila kasi parang coin size lang.
16:59 And maybe there's two or three.
17:01 And then after a few months, it's back to normal na.
17:04 It grows back.
17:05 Yeah. So parang, you know, my condition was very different.
17:08 Parang mine got worse and worse.
17:10 Sa kanila, it was like, it just grew back.
17:12 It was like, how many years ago and it never happened again.
17:17 And I guess, I can't say for sure,
17:19 but siguro it was just a momentarily imbalance in their system
17:25 or baka na-stress lang sila.
17:28 So I guess if you see that it is a bit more serious than most cases, then...
17:34 Well, that's a good case, ano, kung ganun.
17:37 Kung alibawa stress-related lang and probably you can reverse it.
17:41 Pero ang ano nga nun, ang nakakatakot nga nun is,
17:45 stressed ka na nga and probably you have something in your body, you know.
17:50 You don't know how your body works and it's telling you via hair loss na,
17:56 "Hey, you know, you should see a doctor because there's something going on in the body."
18:02 Symptom talaga siya kasi it's your, when we say autoimmunity or autoimmune response
18:10 or autoimmune condition, ang ibig sabihin nun is,
18:15 your immune system, the system that protects you,
18:19 protects your body, is reacting to something that it's not supposed to react to.
18:27 So in the case of alopecia, your immune system is actually telling your body na,
18:33 yung hair follicles mo, yung root ng buhok na strands,
18:38 it's thinking that that's actually a danger to you.
18:44 That's why it's like killing the hair follicles.
18:47 Yeah, it lets it go, it kills the follicles, ano.
18:51 For me kasi I had all of my conditions checked, all of my autoimmune conditions.
18:55 So we're talking about lupus, we're talking MS, which is multiple sclerosis,
19:01 ulcerative colitis, there's more than 80 different autoimmune diseases.
19:09 Fortunately, I was negative at that time for all of them.
19:13 But yeah, for some it could be a symptom,
19:19 alopecia can be a symptom of one of those more serious conditions then.
19:23 Hopefully not, but it's a possibility.
19:26 I always try to listen to my body na, and not get angry at it.
19:33 Or not stress some more, 'di ba?
19:37 Yeah, your body's telling you to slow down at something or to stop something.
19:43 Kelly, how are you now?
19:46 Of course, fast forward to now, kamusta ka na?
19:50 Meron ka pa bang alopecia or it has grown back to yung original itsura ng hair mo?
19:58 May bagong alopecia ako since last year.
20:01 Nung nagkasakit yung dad ko and then I developed a panic disorder,
20:08 which we also talked about when we met a few weeks ago.
20:12 And that's very, I think the most difficult time for me of my entire life.
20:20 And I kind of expected na parang, okay, I know I've been stressing a lot.
20:27 I think in a few months I might see some alopecia.
20:31 And yet, after a few months, I finally felt it.
20:35 Like, okay, there it is. I knew it was coming.
20:38 And I went to a doctor straight away.
20:42 Like what I said, the doctor, although she already knows me,
20:47 so we didn't do a blood test anymore.
20:50 But she was not able to really tell at the time if this is gonna get worse
20:55 or if it's gonna grow back or not.
20:57 And we did a treatment, which I spent like P10,000 on my treatment.
21:02 But it was very small pa lang.
21:04 And it didn't really have an effect kasi parang it was too early.
21:08 So now, it's around this size, I think.
21:11 Now?
21:12 Yeah, at the back. Very back.
21:14 I'm very fortunate that it's always at the back.
21:17 So mas madali siya i-cover.
21:19 And women can grow hair na ganyang kahaba, no, to cover it.
21:24 Yep.
21:25 And there's mga hairstyles you can do to, I guess, cover it easily.
21:31 But it's actually sometimes difficult.
21:33 I'm so limited to what hair I can do.
21:37 Pero may mga hair extensions.
21:39 And ang ginagamit ko din is isang spray na it's like a black color for hair.
21:48 So I use it to cover up my alopecia if I wanna keep my hair down and moving
21:55 so that I'm not scared that it will suddenly show it.
22:00 So there's ways that I work around it depending on what I'm doing for that day.
22:05 But yeah, I still have it.
22:10 I'm doing my treatments now under Derm Clinic.
22:14 And okay naman din yung treatment nila.
22:17 It's a little bit more painful but much more affordable.
22:21 And naka-adventure, sanay na ako sa scalp treatments. So that's what I'm doing.
22:29 And I actually saw there's already hair growing back na.
22:32 Or may hair that is coming back, tumutubo na.
22:35 Pero there's also hair still falling out on the other side of it.
22:40 But emotionally, how does it affect you ngayon?
22:43 Yeah, I mean, I'm really okay with it.
22:46 I guess I'm still shy to show it.
22:48 Like I don't show it in public. I still cover it up.
22:52 But to my friends and family, if we're talking about it, I show them.
22:57 Usually they get so gulat 'cause they don't expect na ganun pala yung hair ko.
23:04 Which I guess it's kind of overwhelming when you first see it.
23:10 But yeah, emotionally I'm okay.
23:13 Actually my mom just called me the other day. Sabi niya,
23:16 "Did you do your next treatment na?"
23:18 Kasi supposed to be every two weeks.
23:20 Sabi ko, "Oh, I forgot. Sige, I'll book it."
23:23 She's like, "You need to book it na."
23:25 She's like, "It scares me to see your hair like that."
23:28 Sabi ko, "It scares you, but I'm actually chill with it."
23:31 I think they like me.
23:34 And I think that's just something I learned to deal with it
23:38 in not a stressful or negative way.
23:41 So unlike the first time, maso okay ka na ngayon?
23:44 Yeah. But my mom is the one.
23:46 Syempre when you see her daughter.
23:47 Yeah, of course.
23:49 Her hair. And my mom is very into health and beauty.
23:53 So she's freaking out every time.
23:57 I don't like to show it to her 'cause I know that it triggers her emotionally actually.
24:02 More than myself. Sobrang worried, yeah, for me.
24:06 Especially with all that I went through last year.
24:08 Parang may mental illness, medications.
24:12 I think there was just a lot.
24:14 So she's just concerned.
24:16 Parang if she sees my hair falling out,
24:19 she's always asking me, "Are you okay? Are you stressed?"
24:22 'Tas this cat that I have that I rescued,
24:26 badun naging stressed ako sa kanya
24:28 'cause she had some illnesses also.
24:31 She had to have surgery.
24:32 So I was telling my mom na parang, "I'm so stressed with this cat."
24:36 But she's doing okay.
24:38 But I have to give her medication every 12 hours. Ganun-ganun.
24:42 My mom said, "Don't stress. Your hair might fall out."
24:46 So I was like, "Yeah, I know. I know."
24:49 Don't stress. Yun lagi inisip niya.
24:52 If I'm stressing, maybe my hair will fall out.
24:55 Kelly, okay, I might be wrong about this.
24:58 Are you doing a sabbatical on showbiz?
25:01 Kasi parang I haven't really seen you in a while.
25:03 Good thing, nagkita tayo dun sa event and I saw you.
25:07 Hindi nga kita nakilala because of your hair.
25:10 Wasn't really a choice.
25:13 I felt like at the time that I stopped,
25:15 wala akong option to work
25:19 because I was dealing with my panic disorder and anxiety disorder
25:26 and all of that.
25:28 It really hit me.
25:30 I couldn't go out. I couldn't drive.
25:33 I couldn't leave my condo.
25:35 I was just having panic attacks.
25:37 I should probably give a trigger warning.
25:40 I don't know.
25:41 Trigger warning kasi when I was trigger warning about panic attacks
25:48 or anxiety disorders.
25:50 Kasi I remember when I was going through it at the worst,
25:54 anything that I read online that said the word "anxiety,"
25:58 it would trigger having a panic attack.
26:01 Then I would vomit. I couldn't eat.
26:04 I was totally disabled talaga.
26:07 Really disabled from doing anything.
26:10 Debilitating.
26:12 Yes. Super.
26:14 I really thought that I was not myself.
26:20 I thought I have to go to a mental hospital.
26:23 I was so scared about that.
26:25 But through therapy and medication and just taking time out
26:34 and taking my time with going back to normal life,
26:39 it took a year.
26:41 It's been more than a year now, but it took around,
26:44 I'd say about 10 months for me to say na parang I'm okay now.
26:50 But it was 10 months of really not knowing what I was going to do
26:57 in my life anymore because I couldn't do anything.
27:01 Do I have to move back to England?
27:05 Do I have to live with my family again?
27:08 Most days I would just try to sleep because if I'm awake,
27:11 I would be panicking.
27:13 I don't know how to calm my...
27:16 Stop it.
27:17 Yeah, I couldn't.
27:18 It's so difficult to explain, but I had a therapist
27:23 that really helped me almost to just recover.
27:27 But it was such a slow process.
27:29 And nung sabi ng doctor sa'kin, ng therapist sa'kin,
27:32 that it will take about one year, I started crying a lot.
27:35 Kasi I can't. I have work. I have commitments to this.
27:40 I'm supposed to do this, this show in a month.
27:43 I'm supposed to sign this contract.
27:45 I can't be out for a year.
27:48 They said, you know, you just have to take that year out
27:52 and focus on your life.
27:55 Mental health.
27:56 I stopped everything. All commitments I had,
28:00 I just told everyone in my work na parang I need some time off
28:05 and I'll let you know if I'm ready to go back.
28:08 You know, the reason why humaba yung conversation natin
28:15 nung time na yun is I also confided to you.
28:18 Kasi sinabi mo nga sa'kin yung anxiety attacks mo,
28:23 yung panic attacks mo.
28:25 And I also told you na parang during the pandemic,
28:29 especially nung lockdown, I developed this panic attacks
28:35 na hindi ko paalam nung time na yun, panic attacks yun.
28:38 And for a while, sinabi ko sa'yo, I stayed away from social media.
28:44 Kasi every time may makikita ako na yung magpo-post ng candle
28:50 or black background, it triggers me.
28:57 And then all of a sudden my heart would be racing.
29:00 And then yun na.
29:02 So my whole day is shut.
29:06 My whole day will not, I mean I cannot function anymore
29:10 for the whole day.
29:11 And buti na lang nung time na yun, naka lockdown.
29:15 And you're just at home.
29:16 So I try to, you know, to do my work.
29:20 I still try to do my interviews.
29:23 Kasi nga diba nung time na yun, sa Zoom lang talaga.
29:26 Pero hindi alam ng mga tao.
29:29 And only very close people to me know na nangyayari sa akin yun.
29:34 But I was so scared and I was so ashamed to admit it to people.
29:41 Until of late, sinabi ko, no, I have to tell my friends.
29:47 I have to tell my family.
29:49 And kasi diba parang takot ako nung time na yun,
29:53 baka sabihin nila, nababaliw ka na.
29:55 Sabihin nila na parang umaarte ka lang.
29:59 Baka sabihin nila na parang, and I really hate it when people tell me na parang,
30:03 just relax or just pray.
30:06 Or just, you know, maybe you're losing your connection to the Lord.
30:13 And I do not dismiss that.
30:17 Kasi, you know, parati ko sinasabi nung time na yun,
30:21 I pray.
30:22 In fact, I was more religious that time.
30:25 I was more spiritual that time because I felt that I was in need.
30:29 But it did not stop.
30:31 Yeah.
30:32 What was it that helped you?
30:35 Oh, I talked to a lot of doctor friends.
30:39 And sabihin nila, you know, if you're scared to take medications,
30:43 maybe, you know, alamin natin kung ano yung trigger mo.
30:48 And it so happened na parang may mga days na hindi ako kakain ng ganito.
30:55 Alam mo, hindi ako kakain ng seafood for a week.
30:58 Hindi ako kakain ng meat for a week.
31:00 Just to know kung ano yung nagt-trigger sa kanya.
31:03 It could also be, kasi sabihin nila, it could also be diet.
31:08 So, nung time na yun, I was really so into coffee.
31:11 Of course, I mean, a lot of people love coffee and I'm really one of them.
31:17 Sabi ng doctor, "Okay, turn na 'to, Nelson, na, you know, tanggalin muna natin ng caffeine."
31:22 Sabi ko, "Caffeine is good for me. I mean, I just have two cups a day."
31:27 Like, but of course, I have six cups.
31:29 [Laughter]
31:31 But sabi niya, "Hindi, let's try to drink decaf, decaffeinated.
31:37 And let's see what happens."
31:39 So, one day turned to two days and then one week
31:44 and then one month na akong hindi nag-caffeine.
31:49 And then two months, three months na hindi nag-caffeine.
31:53 And naramdaman ko na parang nababawasan yung panic attacks ko.
31:59 In fact, you know, on the third month, parang ang feeling ko, halos wala na siya.
32:05 Na, you know, I can control it na.
32:09 Like, parang if it's going to, parang it's just a passing thought.
32:13 And then, okay na siya.
32:15 So, the best thing, you know, kung hindi mo na makontrol,
32:19 yung nararamdaman mo, I would suggest, consult a professional, consult a doctor.
32:27 Because pag hindi mo kaya, merong tutulong sa'yo.
32:31 I mean, I cannot say that I'm a hundred percent panic anxiety-free,
32:37 you know, panic attack-free or anxiety-free.
32:41 But ngayon kasi I can somehow control it.
32:46 Like what I said, it becomes a passing thought.
32:49 And then I, you know, sometimes I pray.
32:52 Sometimes, you know, nililiban ko yung sarili ko.
32:54 Sometimes I just focus on something really good, something positive,
32:58 para at least mawala siya sa isip ko.
33:00 And it works sometimes.
33:02 And sometimes I just cry it out.
33:05 And, you know, my partner dati he doesn't know how to deal with it.
33:11 And he doesn't know how to react to it.
33:14 But now he knows.
33:15 And I also read about it na parang touch works.
33:21 That's why it's called touch therapy.
33:24 And it worked. It worked for me.
33:27 And I feel so blessed. I feel so lucky that it works for me.
33:31 Yes.
33:32 And I would always say this, you know, consult a professional, consult a doctor.
33:38 May tutulong sa'yo.
33:40 Ako, I'm so like such an advocate also for consulting in a psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist.
33:50 Because I think that's really what saved my life also at the time.
33:55 Because even the people that love me and care for me, especially that time,
34:01 they can't understand what I'm going through.
34:04 And me also, I can't understand. I don't blame them.
34:07 But the reality is they don't know how to give me an idea of how to fix what's going wrong in my mind.
34:16 And I was so in denial.
34:18 Like, I don't want to talk to a doctor.
34:21 I'm not crazy. I'm not mentally ill.
34:23 And yeah, it was just like really scary.
34:26 So for me, it was only the doctor that was able to say, this is what you're going through.
34:32 This is what it's called.
34:33 There's a word for it because you're not the only one.
34:36 There's a medical term for it.
34:38 And there's medication that is created to help your particular condition.
34:44 And it's kind of like alopecia where you feel a comfort knowing that you're not the only one in the world that's feeling this way.
34:53 Because you feel crazy, you feel like something's wrong with you.
34:58 No one can understand.
35:00 But there's someone.
35:03 Definitely.
35:05 And we should normalize that.
35:07 We should normalize seeking help from a professional, seeking help.
35:13 Even if you just say it's your friend.
35:15 Talk about it.
35:17 Don't be scared.
35:18 It could save your life.
35:20 Ever since, because I'm public about my mental illness, but I haven't really gone full public about my story.
35:31 So I talk about it here and there on my Instagram.
35:35 I've had friends that are also in the industry, either as a showbiz or some modeling or I guess social media influencers
35:45 that have reached out to me asking for advice because they think they have anxiety, depression, and stuff like that.
35:55 And I try to give some advice, but I also know I can't really understand their condition because I was never depressed.
36:03 My condition is different to them and I don't want to give advice that's wrong.
36:08 So I always refer my therapist because my therapist is amazing.
36:12 He's expensive, but for me, I said, if you have the means, he's really worth it.
36:17 I promise.
36:19 So how many of my friends that I referred my therapist to, none of them yet, for the like, it's been months, a year.
36:29 None of them have actually pushed through with seeking that help.
36:34 And it's difficult because I want to push it, but at the same time, like I have to let them take their time.
36:42 Like, I'm so glad that despite my stigma that I had towards it, I was forced with my condition to seek help.
36:54 And I think I'm like at my happiest mentally, physically, emotionally that I've ever been in my whole independent life,
37:05 which is like eight years since I started working in the Philippines.
37:10 Like what I said, it could save your life.
37:16 I cannot stress it enough. It could save your life.
37:21 So Kelly, thank you very much for sharing all these.
37:25 I'm sure it took a lot of courage for you to share all this, but thank you very much because a lot of people can relate to this.
37:34 A lot of people can understand.
37:36 Yes. And I think like my last word would be like, you know, the bravest people are the ones that are not afraid to seek help.
37:43 Just because you're brave doesn't mean you do everything on your own.
37:47 You're brave if you're willing, if you're able to ask for help.
37:51 That's the bravest thing, really. So I would probably leave it at that.
37:56 And also, I want to thank you also for this opportunity to talk about our story.
38:04 I normally end a podcast by turning the tables around.
38:14 I've been asking you questions earlier.
38:17 You know, maybe you would like to ask me anything.
38:21 Oh my gosh. Does it have anything?
38:27 Anything at all.
38:29 What's the number one thing that you love most about your, I was going to say boyfriend, but about your work.
38:37 About my work?
38:39 Yeah.
38:41 Okay. You know, my work keeps me young.
38:44 I'm already 53, but I don't feel like I'm 53.
38:51 I feel like 30 years younger.
38:55 I feel like I'm in my 20s.
38:57 Because you see a lot of people every day.
39:00 You see a lot of beautiful people every day.
39:03 You see a lot of positive.
39:04 You know, now I just focus on the positives.
39:08 Like you, at that time, I interviewed you.
39:14 But what comes after the interview made me love my job more.
39:22 See, I mean, that's free therapy.
39:25 I'll tell you that time.
39:27 And it made me, I mean, whatever you say, it made me feel like you're my friend.
39:34 Yeah.
39:35 I have a lot of friends in the industry.
39:39 And I know it's cliche that they're all my friends.
39:43 But no, I only love a few.
39:47 I only, you know, I only cherish a few people.
39:53 And those few, there are a lot of them.
39:56 And you're one of them.
39:59 Thank you.
40:00 Aw, that's so sweet.
40:02 You know, after our event, the first thing I told my boyfriend afterwards,
40:09 "You won't believe it. I met someone that went through and we had this amazing discussion."
40:13 And I ended up missing, like, you know, because we were talking outside of the event.
40:18 When I came back in, I missed the speeches of the doctors and everything.
40:25 And it was well worth it.
40:28 It was so worth it.
40:30 Like, I felt like, I feel like at that time, we only talked for a short while,
40:35 but it's been a long time since we talked.
40:37 Yeah.
40:38 We didn't expect, obviously, but there was just so much that both of us had to share.
40:44 And I actually took a lot of your advice from your experience.
40:47 I took it also in the heart.
40:50 Well, continue to be happy, Kelly.
40:53 You have a friend here.
40:54 Yes.
40:55 Thank you very much for sharing all this.
40:58 I hope to see you very soon.
41:00 Yeah, I hope so.
41:01 Let's text.
41:02 You know, I didn't know to text.
41:04 I just checked.
41:05 I typed your name in my message.
41:06 I have your number now.
41:07 So, yeah, let's keep in touch.
41:09 Let's keep in touch.
41:10 Thank you.
41:11 Thank you very much.
41:12 Let's have coffee sometime, Dika.
41:14 Thank you very much, Kelly.
41:16 Thank you.
41:17 Thank you.
41:18 Bye-bye.
41:19 Bye-bye.
41:21 Bye-bye.
41:22 Bye-bye.
41:23 Bye-bye.
41:24 Bye-bye.
41:25 Bye-bye.
41:26 Bye-bye.
41:26 Bye-bye.
41:27 Bye-bye.
41:28 Bye-bye.
41:29 Bye-bye.
41:29 Bye-bye.
41:30 Bye-bye.
41:31 Bye-bye.
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41:32 Bye-bye.
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41:34 Bye-bye.
41:35 Bye-bye.
41:35 Bye-bye.
41:36 Bye-bye.
41:37 Bye-bye.
41:38 Bye-bye.
41:38 Bye-bye.
41:39 Bye-bye.
41:40 Bye-bye.
41:41 Bye-bye.
41:41 (upbeat music)
41:43 (upbeat music)