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AmusantTranscription
00:00 You are in public with this little bimbo.
00:03 I need you to protect me from Miss Liz.
00:06 Well, you are having an affair with her husband.
00:08 I was having an affair with my boss.
00:11 You're my boss now.
00:14 I'm not gonna let Peggy find out about any of this.
00:18 You know what? Debbie is history.
00:21 Oh my God, Debbie. I've gotta stop her.
00:24 Debbie! Somebody! Shot! Debbie!
00:31 [Music]
00:35 [Music]
00:39 [Music]
01:07 How long does it take Debbie to throw in a load of laundry?
01:10 I really need to talk to her.
01:12 She should be right up.
01:14 Debbie said you were gonna... Hey!
01:17 No, we were not. It was a trick.
01:20 Is $300 too much for a Hot Wheels VW Purple Evil Weevil?
01:25 Yeah, I could use one too.
01:30 Damn! The eBay auction closed. I lost my Weevil.
01:36 [Inhales]
01:38 Oh, dang it. Can I get a light off yours?
01:43 Huh, that's a funny looking cigarette. You roll it yourself?
01:49 Yeah.
01:51 You got a weak flame on this thing.
01:55 [Inhales]
01:57 [Coughs]
01:59 This isn't one of them clove cigarettes, is it?
02:02 Yeah, man. That's the chronic from Mexico.
02:05 Damn NAFTA. It's clearly an inferior tobacco.
02:09 So does your wife party too?
02:11 Party? Uh, we throw a party for Fourth of July and Labor Day.
02:16 No, I mean party. You know, get high, get stoned.
02:20 [Screams]
02:22 [Music]
02:25 [Radio chatter]
02:28 Mmm, that barbecue smells yummy, Ms. Hill. Now, you heard the gunshot at 645, was it?
02:35 That is correct, Sheriff.
02:37 And you discovered the body at 647?
02:40 Most of it, yes.
02:42 So let me get this straight. Debbie was Mr. Strickland's mistress.
02:46 And her murdered body was found at the same place where Mr. Strickland and his wife just got done reconciling their differences.
02:53 Uh-huh. My husband hangs that bad up. Well, the reconciliation, not the murder.
02:59 Mmm.
03:01 [Coughs]
03:04 Check you out. What are you doing?
03:07 [Sighs]
03:09 I am inducing vomiting.
03:12 Dude, you only had one hit.
03:14 [Coughs]
03:17 [Coughs]
03:20 Oh, no, my eyes are turning bloodshot.
03:23 I'm going on a trip. I look like I'm doped out of my gourd.
03:28 [Groans]
03:30 [Dog barks]
03:32 [Groans]
03:38 I'm too high to drive.
03:40 [Groans]
03:42 [Panting]
03:53 I've got to sleep this off.
03:57 [Radio chatter]
03:59 Found a satellite in 12 gauge under the body.
04:02 Ms. Liz, I think I got my first suspect.
04:08 I could send that up to Dallas, have my boys run it for prints.
04:11 Oh, who in the hell called in the Texas Rangers?
04:15 I'm Mrs. Peggy Hill, restaurateur.
04:18 I love your show. I love that walker.
04:22 [Groans]
04:25 How long was I sleeping?
04:28 Why... why am I running?
04:30 Oh, God, I'm talking to myself.
04:33 That's a side effect of the marijuana poisoning.
04:37 Dad! Dad! The police are looking for you!
04:42 Oh, no, Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smoking narcotics.
04:47 Hey!
04:51 [Clears throat]
04:53 [Radio chatter]
04:55 [Car door slams]
04:58 Debbie's dead?
05:00 I was just in her... I mean, I just talked to her at work.
05:05 Oh, it was awful. I saw her lying there, and oh, Hank...
05:11 Honey, you reek.
05:13 Oh, uh, yeah, too much time near the... the propane tanks today.
05:18 Mr. Hill, I'm Lester Payton with the Texas Rangers.
05:22 Uh, nice to meet you.
05:24 [Clears throat]
05:25 Mind if I cut in, Payton? This is my dance.
05:29 Now, Mr. Hill, I have some questions.
05:32 I'm sorry. I lost a close friend in a valued tank wipe today.
05:38 I gotta go home right now.
05:40 Peggy, you'll need to drive. I'm in mourning.
05:44 [Dramatic music]
05:46 That coroner in Heimlich County will get to the bottom of this.
05:50 He's a good man.
05:52 He did the autopsies on two of my gun club buddies last year.
05:56 You, uh, you don't think the police will want to run a drug test on Debbie's co-workers, do you?
06:03 Now that you mention it, I am positive they will.
06:06 They'll drug test everyone in Arlen.
06:09 Price for a bag of clean urine will double.
06:13 What do you think will happen to the price of poo-poo?
06:16 Unchanged.
06:18 [Saxophone music]
06:23 [Sigh] Debbie bought those flowers just before she died.
06:28 Attention, everybody.
06:30 Now that there's no one left at work for my husband to diddle, I've allowed him to return.
06:36 Buck Strickland.
06:38 [Applause]
06:40 Ah, thank you.
06:41 Now, I ain't a stupid man.
06:43 I heard the rumors. I know that I got some fingers a-pointin' at me.
06:48 But I'm givin' y'all to Buck Strickland guarantee that I didn't kill that pretty girl.
06:52 I want to catch the murderer more than anything.
06:55 So, if any of you have information for the police, why don't you just come see me first?
07:01 We can discuss the best way of handling that.
07:03 [Kiss]
07:04 Back to work, old top.
07:07 [Saxophone music]
07:14 [Splash]
07:17 [Sigh] All right, Lady Bird. I washed this shirt a dozen times.
07:22 [Sniffing]
07:24 What do you think, girl? Can you still smell the Mary Jane?
07:28 [Sniffing]
07:29 Oh, no.
07:31 [Saxophone music]
07:44 Uncle Hank! Sheriff Mumford is here!
07:48 Afternoon, Hank. Whatcha cookin'?
07:50 Uh, nothing.
07:52 Well, my eyesight ain't what it used to be, but ain't that some kind of smoke comin' outta there?
07:57 Um, that's the burgers.
07:59 Strange-smellin' burgers.
08:01 [Sniffing]
08:02 What kind of herbs you puttin' in there?
08:04 Herbs? Oh, God, that's street talk for marijuana.
08:09 You know, Hank, I spent the day gathering evidence over at the Casalinda Singles' apartments.
08:16 And, well, I just thought you might want to know you are now a suspect...
08:20 Oh, no!
08:22 ...in the murder of Debbie Grund.
08:24 Oh. Oh, that. Oh, God!
08:27 [Suspenseful music]
08:31 Now, this goes without saying, Peggy, but you know I'm not guilty.
08:36 Of course I know you didn't kill anyone.
08:39 But you know what I do not understand?
08:41 The sheriff said that you had a motive, and it concerned your relationship with Ms. Liz.
08:47 He kept using that phrase, "relationship with Ms. Liz."
08:52 Relationship with Ms. Liz.
08:55 Uh, well, he may be referring to this time I, uh, went out to a fraudulent propane emergency at Mrs. Strickland's,
09:04 and, uh, well, she was in a kimono, and, uh, she wanted me to, uh, service her...
09:13 [Clears throat]
09:14 ...accessories, uh, not the propane.
09:18 Oh. Okey-dokey. Well, now, that makes some sense.
09:22 Mrs. Strickland was coming on to you, so you killed Debbie,
09:26 Buck goes back to Ms. Liz, and Ms. Liz stops bothering you.
09:30 Have you been reading those rabbi mysteries again?
09:34 They do hold up.
09:35 Now, if I may be an advocate of the devil here, let's combine your motive with the fact that you have no alibi for 6.45 p.m.
09:44 Oh, and the sheriff called earlier.
09:46 He said that they found your Strickland name patch in the bushes behind Peggy's Sugarfoots.
09:51 What? I don't remember losing my Hank patch.
09:55 Well, you didn't lose it. He said it'd been torn off, as if in a struggle.
10:00 [Sighs]
10:04 Oh.
10:05 So, Hank, my question to you is, why did you not tell me that Ms. Liz made a pass at you?
10:17 So, I was wondering if kids who are hopped up on drugs could do things they wouldn't remember when they, you know, hopped back down.
10:26 Absolutely, Mr. Jones.
10:28 So, my son, who will be attending Arlen High in a couple of years, God willing,
10:34 he could get, uh, baked, and leave his name tag in some bushes somewhere, and then not remember?
10:41 Yeah, yeah. We call that blacking out.
10:44 Heck, I was in prison with a guy who was doing life for a murder he didn't even remember committing. Okay?
10:49 So, someone could take dope, black out in a field, and kill a co-worker?
10:55 Co-worker, cab driver, prostitute. It doesn't matter who.
10:59 [Suspenseful music]
11:13 All right. This is about what Debbie Wade...
11:16 Does this seem familiar?
11:19 Maybe.
11:21 Evenin', Hank. What you busyin' yourself with there?
11:29 Uh, just throwin' out some expired sand. Garbage cans at home are full.
11:36 Whatever. We need to talk. Let's take a ride in your truck.
11:41 Uh, where to, sir?
11:43 The quarry. It's deserted this time of night. Nobody'll bother us.
11:48 [Suspenseful music]
11:56 [Tires screech]
11:59 Mr. Strickland, sir, I want you to know that I don't think I killed Debbie.
12:07 I cared for that gal, Hank.
12:10 So, if you've taken me out here to kill me in retribution, I believe that would be premature.
12:16 I know you fooled around with Debbie all the time.
12:19 No, not true. I rebuffed.
12:21 But you were angry at her.
12:23 Yes.
12:24 Louder!
12:25 Yes, I was angry. Debbie threatened to tell my wife that we had sexual relations.
12:30 Okay, Hank. I got all I need.
12:33 [Suspenseful music]
12:46 A 12-gauge shell? Oh, my God.
12:56 I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
13:01 I promise.
13:02 A promise means nothing when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either.
13:09 Now, promise me. Promise me, Bobby.
13:12 Okay, okay. I promise.
13:14 [Sigh] Promises mean nothing.
13:18 Look, Dad, I'm not gonna use drugs because drugs are for losers.
13:24 And I'd never want to disappoint you.
13:27 [Sigh]
13:28 Plus, I want to be the first chubby comic to live past 35.
13:33 [Engine rumbling]
13:36 [Suspenseful music]
13:39 Afternoon, Hank.
13:41 Oh, hi, Sheriff. Uh, any leads on the, uh, murderer that don't point in my direction?
13:47 Ms. Hill, could you excuse us a moment? I'd like to tell your husband a dirty joke.
13:52 Sheriff, if this is about the investigation, I assure you, you can speak freely.
13:56 My husband and I have no secrets between us.
14:00 Cigarette?
14:01 Oh, no. We do not smoke.
14:05 That's smart. Filthy head.
14:07 Say, could I trouble you for a light?
14:09 Uh, I could look in the house.
14:12 Oh, never mind. I got this here silver lighter. Found it in Debbie's apartment.
14:17 Got the initials HRH on it.
14:20 Say, now, what's your middle name?
14:23 Rutherford.
14:25 Right. HRH.
14:28 So, unless His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, stopped by Sunday night for a smoke...
14:33 Okay, the lighter's mine. It was a gift from Mrs. Elizabeth Strickland.
14:39 I know all about Ms. Liz.
14:41 As I said, I know everything... about my husband.
14:46 So you know about your husband's relationship with Debbie?
14:49 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
14:51 What relationship?
14:52 I had no relationship with Debbie.
14:54 Sheriff?
14:55 Uh-huh.
14:57 If I may.
15:00 Debbie threatened to tell my wife that we had sexual relations.
15:07 Well, I'm sure you folks have plenty to talk about.
15:10 Y'all have a nice day.
15:16 I didn't sleep with Debbie.
15:18 I don't know how my lighter got into her apartment.
15:21 And I already told you about being in the bathtub with a naked Ms. Liz.
15:27 Did you see her breasts?
15:29 Hey, Charlie Manson!
15:31 Can I get your autograph on this sugarfoot napkin I pulled out of dumpster?
15:35 If you murder her, I auction it on eBay for a big box.
15:40 eBay? Wait a minute.
15:44 Damn! eBay auction closed. I lost my Weeble.
16:04 Con, you may have just made my autograph worthless.
16:11 The auction for that purple Weeble wobbler. What time did it close?
16:15 6.58 p.m.
16:17 Oh, you want to go in a chat room with Gene Roddenberry's wife?
16:20 Listen to me. Debbie was killed at 6.45.
16:24 I didn't inhale until 7 at the earliest.
16:28 I couldn't have blacked out and killed her. She was already dead.
16:31 Yeah, dude. You were here smoking pot with me.
16:34 You tell that to the cops, I'll back you up.
16:49 Leaving to get in, get out so soon, Peyton?
16:52 I'm sure there's some candy bars you have in question.
16:55 You better take them three musketeers into separate rooms.
16:58 Maybe one of them will crack.
17:00 That's a good one, Sheriff. How did he ever let you get away?
17:11 Do I smell Peggy Hill's old-fashioned buttermilk griddle cakes?
17:15 Sheriff, now I'm sure you did not come all this way just to smell Peggy Hill's old-fashioned buttermilk griddle cakes.
17:22 Guilty.
17:23 Speaking of which, Mr. Hill,
17:25 Debbie's roommate Gail's got an interesting alibi for the night of the murder.
17:29 Says he was with you, sparking up a J.
17:32 In English, please?
17:34 Lighting up a J.
17:36 Getting high? He said that?
17:39 Well, now you have a second crime to investigate, Sheriff.
17:43 The attempted assassination of my husband's character.
17:47 How dare you!
17:49 My dad would never use drugs.
17:52 I said good day, Sheriff.
17:55 Mr. Hill?
18:00 The boy's right. I would never smoke pot.
18:04 Yeah, yeah, you're as square as a block of wood.
18:07 But this Gail fellow, he's from up north,
18:10 haired down to his butt crack and a layer of filth that just don't wash off.
18:15 Now that I've talked to you, I know that he's just a liar who's got no alibi.
18:25 They're arresting the murderer on TV!
18:28 It's a woman!
18:29 Who is it?
18:30 It's a woman?
18:33 That's not a woman, that's Debbie's roommate.
18:36 Nuh-uh, her name is Gail.
18:38 I've never had a homicide go unsolved in Hamlet County, and my record stands intact.
18:44 Two for two.
18:45 But Gail couldn't have done it. He was...
18:48 He was what, Dad?
18:51 Uh, nothing.
18:53 Come on, show Peggy Sugarfoot's in the background.
18:56 Show Peggy Sugarfoot's in the background.
18:58 Show Peggy Sugarfoot, yes!
19:04 You know, I'm not so sure this, uh, Gail is it.
19:08 I'm just not so sure he's the right guy who did the murder.
19:13 Well, now you're just talking crazy, Hank.
19:15 The sheriff arrested him. That means he's guilty.
19:18 Bill's right.
19:19 As you know, I've served on four juries and we did our job.
19:24 Four convictions.
19:25 It is not your job as a juror to just convict.
19:29 It's true.
19:34 I just want to say thanks to Buck Strickland for throwing this case-closed dinner.
19:40 The party's also a send-off to our good friend Texas Ranger Peyton, who was unable to solve the crime.
19:50 I hope Gail doesn't get off on some pothead technicality. Right, Dad?
19:55 Well, those technicalities have a name, Bobby. They're called the Bill of Rights.
20:01 Oh, he's got a right. He's got a right arm for them to stick the needle in.
20:07 All right, all right, that's enough. Gail did not kill Debbie.
20:12 That's right. He's innocent.
20:15 And I know that because at the time of the murder, Gail was with me.
20:20 We were in Debbie's apartment.
20:25 And like he said, we were smoking pot.
20:31 Who are you, Hank Hill?
20:33 Now, now, it was an accident. I didn't know it was pot, and God knows I didn't enjoy it.
20:40 But the fact remains, Sheriff, you have the wrong man in your jail.
20:45 Then it was Buck.
20:47 It wasn't me. It was Hank.
20:49 Didn't you get the tape? What about that Hank name tag you put in the bushes?
20:53 It wasn't Hank. It was you.
20:55 No, it wasn't.
20:56 Then it was Ms. Liz.
20:57 No, it wasn't.
20:59 All right, fine, it was me. I'm your man, Sheriff.
21:02 You've got the right to remain silent.
21:03 If you people are just about finished, I'll tell you who killed Debbie.
21:11 Debbie's phone records show she called Mr. Hank Hill a short while before her death, which means she was home at 6 p.m.
21:18 Now, what would she have seen if she looked out her window at 6 p.m., hmm?
21:23 Normally, she'd see Sheriff Mumford stuffing some Sugarfoot's ribs into his face.
21:29 But on this night, she saw Mr. Buck and Ms. Liz Strickland entering the restaurant,
21:35 which, according to the Sugarfoot's Reservations Book, occurred at...
21:39 6-0-3, mister, and 6-0-4, missus.
21:44 Seeing Buck and Ms. Liz back together must have thrown that pretty little tank wipe into a jealous rage.
21:50 So when she went down to Sugarfoot's...
21:52 Peggy's Sugarfoot's. At the time, it was.
21:55 Yeah.
21:57 The point is, she went there to kill Buck Strickland with the 12-gauge shotgun he had stashed in her apartment.
22:04 So she climbed into the dumpster next to his Cadillac to lie in wait.
22:08 Now, sitting in a dumpster full of half-eaten barbecue can make you hungry.
22:13 And sure enough, Debbie went across the street to...
22:16 The Gideon Get Out.
22:19 According to the store security videotape and a written deposition from a Mr. Freddy Hakimi,
22:24 she purchased a Big Gulp and a 99-cent nacho plate.
22:28 By buying them together, she saved 23 cents.
22:32 My God! That is one heck of a deal.
22:36 When Debbie returned to the dumpster, she saw Mr. Strickland's car and assumed he was still there.
22:42 What she didn't know was that the Stricklands had already left together in Mrs. Strickland's car,
22:47 having reconciled physically in a storeroom.
22:50 And again in the meat locker.
22:52 And once more in the slop sink.
22:56 She had difficulty juggling the three items as she attempted to negotiate her way back into the dumpster.
23:02 She put the gun in first.
23:04 She wouldn't let go of that junk food.
23:07 And that was the source of her demise.
23:11 For as Debbie climbed into that dumpster, her foot accidentally tripped the hammer on the gun.
23:21 So, Debbie Grund's killer was Debbie Grund.
23:25 Oh, Buck. I am so relieved.
23:29 Well, I thought it was you.
23:31 Yeah, and I would have too, Miss Liz. I'd have done it for you.
23:35 Of course, I thought you did it.
23:37 That's why I planted the shotgun shell in Hank's truck.
23:40 To protect you.
23:42 You planted evidence for me?
23:45 Yeah.
23:46 Oh, Sugarful.
23:49 Oh, sweet.
23:51 Oh, no, no, no.
23:53 Sorry about that whole frame affair, Tonto. I was under a lot of stress.
23:57 Uh, yeah.
23:59 Yeah, okay.
24:01 I guess if my mistress had been murdered and my wife were a suspect, uh, yeah.
24:09 Well, I guess I let you down, son.
24:12 Doing drugs like that when I've always told you not to.
24:15 You know, if I did something like this, you'd punish me.
24:18 Maybe I should be able to punish you.
24:21 Well, okay, son.
24:24 What's my punishment? Am I grounded?
24:27 That's too easy.
24:29 You cannot mow the lawn for one week.
24:33 Oh, come on, son. It was an accident.
24:36 You wanna go for two?
24:39 [music]
24:41 [music]
24:44 [music]
24:47 [music]
24:49 [music]
24:52 [music]
24:55 [music]
24:58 [music]
25:01 [music]
25:04 [music]
25:07 [music]
25:10 [music]
25:15 I said good day, Sheriff!