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AmusantTranscription
00:00 Huh? New York style deli? They think that's a selling point?
00:07 Wow! They've got pictures of celebrities on the walls.
00:12 Howie Mandel!
00:17 With a "K" nish.
00:23 Honey, it's pronounced "nish". The "K" is silent, and I have no idea.
00:29 Stuffed kishkas? Kraplatch?
00:32 Even in my dreams, I never dreamed a place like the Show Biz Deli could exist.
00:39 It's food with a punchline.
00:42 Tongue? They're trying to feed us all the animal parts we're supposed to throw away.
00:47 Let's go.
00:49 Dad, can I at least go to the bathroom before we go?
00:57 Alright.
00:59 Put a Louis Anderson in a bag to go. I'll leave the money on the hand dryer.
01:10 I'll be right there.
01:13 [Music]
01:16 [Music]
01:18 [Music]
01:21 [Music]
01:49 Hey Bobby, here's your teen people back.
01:52 You were right. Nev Campbell really likes rock climbing.
01:56 Hey, Sharice, looks like you dropped something.
02:00 Way to be in second grade, crap head.
02:03 I have tried tripping her. I've hit her lunch.
02:09 I'm running out of ways to show her that I like her.
02:12 I assume you tried throwing utility balls at her head.
02:17 I can't ask her to the dance unless I know she likes me.
02:21 You're lucky. Connie likes you, so after the dance, you know you're getting a kiss.
02:27 And then you'll have a girlfriend.
02:30 And then I'll be your nerdy friend who doesn't have a girlfriend.
02:34 I'm gonna go whack Sharice in the butt with a shovel.
02:38 See, Connie wants to go to this dance.
02:41 Oh, your first middle school dance. How romantic.
02:47 You'll hold each other close and move in a circle over and over again.
02:53 And then if she doesn't pass out drunk on you, well, then the night will end in a clumsy, slobbery kiss.
03:00 About that kiss.
03:02 Oh, it'll be magical. Nothing will ever be the same between you and Connie ever again.
03:08 You know, Connie and I practiced kissed once already, and nothing changed.
03:14 Yeah, but this is a middle school dance kiss. This is a real kiss.
03:20 Remember Marie? I kissed her and then things got really complicated and she dumped me.
03:27 I thought the pain would never go away.
03:30 That was a real kiss.
03:33 [Grunting]
03:35 [Sigh]
03:38 So you really like the chopped chicken liver?
03:41 I love it. It's meat I can eat with a spoon.
03:46 I get it in a drum from a catalog. It's a lot easier than Italian food like my last place.
03:52 Did you know you have to heat up Italian food?
03:56 Well, you gotta melt the cheese.
04:00 You know, I'm feeling a lot better. I think I will have that herring plate after all.
04:06 Attaboy. I thought I was gonna have to throw that out.
04:10 Oh, yeah!
04:12 Peggy, look, I got an invitation to some kind of art opening at the Dallas Museum of Modern Art.
04:19 Now, either Dale's pulling a prank or you've been sending money to the museum.
04:25 I've been sending money to PBS again.
04:28 Not me. They have not got a penny since their cheap mug cut my lip.
04:33 On the other hand, maybe it would be fun to go to an art opening.
04:37 There'd be new, not Dale Bill Boomhauer people to talk to.
04:41 There might even be dancing.
04:43 Dancing?
04:44 Oh, Bobby, that reminds me. Connie's mom and I are trying to coordinate dropping you guys off at your middle school dance.
04:50 Now, they can fit eight in their minivan. Do you know if Charisse's hip is healed?
04:54 Yeah, I think so. I gotta go.
04:57 Where are you off to, son?
04:59 To the mall. You know, where, um, all those sports fields are. Yeah.
05:06 I tell you what, Bobby sure has gotten active lately.
05:10 Now, Hank, I think something's wrong. He's not eating his supper.
05:13 And you saw what just happened when I tried to talk to him about the dance?
05:17 A 12-year-old boy running off to play rather than talk about prom dresses with his mom sounds pretty normal to me.
05:26 Normal. What do you know?
05:29 So then, Bobby, want me to slow down some more?
05:41 Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
05:46 So, anyway, maybe you and I could go to the dance. If you want.
05:52 Uh, that sure sounds like fun, Connie. But I'm not certain I'm 100%. I think I stubbed my toe.
06:02 That's why I'm wearing my mom's tennis shoes.
06:05 Your toe will be better by next week.
06:07 Or it could be worse. I only know that I'll be praying for it to get better so we can go to the dance.
06:15 But praying usually doesn't work.
06:18 Ow. Ow.
06:22 Oh, thank God. There'll be ice again.
06:29 [phone ringing]
06:33 Luann, I could use a hand.
06:36 Now you put it in the freezer.
06:39 [phone ringing]
06:42 Oh, I thought...
06:45 What is it?
06:46 Mr. Hill, I'm calling from the Dallas Museum of Modern Art.
06:50 Did you receive the invitation to the opening?
06:52 Yes, and when I threw it out, I thought you'd get the idea.
06:56 Very well. If you do decide to attend, your parking is free since your photograph is in the exhibit.
07:02 My photograph? What photograph?
07:05 I don't know. I work for the caterer. We just need to know how much cheese to buy.
07:10 How many people?
07:11 Sixty.
07:12 Eight pounds.
07:14 Bobby, what did I tell you about the funny walks?
07:17 Not in the house. But this isn't a funny walk. My toe really hurts.
07:23 Your big toe?
07:24 Uh-huh.
07:26 Hmm.
07:27 Bobby, now listen to me. Put yourself in a three-point stance.
07:33 From football, Bobby. Before the snap.
07:36 Oh, yeah.
07:37 [grunting]
07:40 Bobby, it looks like all that activity you've been up to has finally caught up with you.
07:45 You've got turf toe.
07:47 What do I do about it?
07:49 Well, you play through the pain, and I get to take you to the Heimlich County Sports Medicine Center.
07:55 [chuckles]
07:56 We can laugh at all the people with tennis elbow.
07:59 [chuckles]
08:00 [music]
08:06 Excuse me, sir. Did you throw out your elbow playing golf or tennis?
08:11 Tennis.
08:12 [chuckles]
08:13 [whimpers]
08:14 You know, Bobby, we gave you a dumb middle name.
08:17 Bobby Hill, Dr. Tannenbaum is ready to see you.
08:21 Now you two go ahead. I'll be here until midnight filling out these endless damn HMO forms.
08:27 Oh, shoot. I put Bobby down as my own father.
08:31 Ugh! Damn these HMOs!
08:35 So what's it gonna be, doctor? Whirlpool, deep heat massage?
08:40 Or are you just gonna tell my son to play through the pain, 'cause I'll support that.
08:45 Oh, none of that will be necessary. According to the blood test, your boy here has gout.
08:51 Gout? I...
08:54 [sighs]
08:55 [music]
08:57 Guess who filled out all the forms?
09:00 Hey, hey, hey!
09:02 [laughs]
09:03 [music]
09:10 Well, gout occurs when uric acid crystals form in the bloodstream and collect in an extremity, like Bobby's big toe.
09:17 Now hold on. Maybe turf toe is a pipe dream, but gout? That's an old man's disease.
09:24 Hey, I'm not gonna tell you it's normal for a 12-year-old boy to get gout.
09:29 But it happens.
09:31 Like that feral boy they found surviving on pig excrement?
09:35 What you need to do is quit pumping your boy full of purine-rich foods.
09:38 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
09:41 And those are?
09:42 Preserved fish, like anchovies or herrings and organ meats. You know, kidneys, hearts, liver.
09:49 The boy's not a ghoul. He doesn't eat that stuff.
09:53 Is there liver in chopped chicken liver? Because that's what's on a Louis Anderson.
09:58 What?
09:59 I've been getting it at the showbiz deli.
10:02 Oh! Bobby's gout will clear up if he stays off those deli foods.
10:07 In the meantime, I thought this might help.
10:11 [gasps]
10:13 Does it come with a hat?
10:17 I just can't figure out what picture of me somebody would want to put in a museum.
10:23 The only photo circulating in the public is my high school football picture.
10:28 Well, that could be anything.
10:30 The Internet is full of pictures of each and every one of you.
10:34 Course you'd know that if you ever visited my website.
10:38 Well, I guess I'll find out tonight when we go to Dallas.
10:42 At least Peggy's excited about it. She's talking about putting on earrings.
10:47 Uh, what else was she thinking about putting on, Hank?
10:51 B-b-bubs?
10:53 No!
10:55 Now I know what Mona Lisa's husband felt like when he headed off to that museum.
11:00 It's pride, Hank.
11:02 You know, I might still be able to fit into the old uniform. Think that would be appropriate?
11:07 Well, we'll ask. Now, Lou Anne, remember what I told you about Bobby's diet.
11:12 Yeah. If I haven't heard of the food that he wants to eat, he cannot eat it.
11:17 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
11:19 Where are you going?
11:21 Oh, I'm just shuffling off to the living room.
11:24 And away we go!
11:27 I specifically asked Bill not to give him that hat.
11:32 Fucking man. Fucking man.
11:39 Fucking man. Fucking man.
11:43 Fucking man. Fucking man.
11:45 Someone really ought to fix that thing.
11:48 Uh, Hank, you better turn that back on.
11:54 (gasps)
11:56 Okay, let's keep moving.
11:59 Wonder where they're all staring at.
12:01 Probably the best running back Arlen High has ever known.
12:05 That's what I was staring at the whole ride here.
12:08 (laughs)
12:10 Well, you know.
12:13 Empty Bowl, Bopal, India.
12:21 Beef Field Colon, Arlen, Texas.
12:25 Look, Hank, Dr. Morley took this X-ray.
12:29 That's the name of your doctor.
12:32 Oh, dear Lord.
12:34 Hank, honey, I think this is your colon from when you were constipated.
12:38 Oh, my God.
12:40 Hank, please. People are starting to look.
12:43 Uh, excuse me. This is my work. My art is not to be touched.
12:47 If you want interactive art, there's a highly overrated collection in Toronto.
12:51 Your work? That's my colon.
12:55 Hank, maybe we should just go.
12:58 Not without my property.
13:01 Stop that. Stop that. Security!
13:05 Damn it. I'm a human being, not some kind of freak that you can put up on display.
13:11 My doctor says it's very rare.
13:14 I'm the only kid under 70 to get this outside the gout belt in the lower Balkans.
13:21 I'll be happy to entertain any questions.
13:25 Yes, you.
13:27 Will your toe be better in time for the dance?
13:30 I'm sorry, Connie. I was pointing to the gentleman behind you.
13:35 Answer the question.
13:38 I'm sorry. I was pointing in front of you to Joseph.
13:44 Are you taking Connie to the dance?
13:47 I'm sorry. I think we've run out of time.
13:50 Leave the tub.
14:07 What's wrong, buddy? Girl trouble?
14:10 Oh, no, Carl. It's just the gout.
14:14 You got the gout? What causes that? Take a bite.
14:18 Nobody knows.
14:21 So, Hank, I heard about your big opening.
14:29 Yeah, Dale. It's even funnier the third time.
14:33 Hey, Hank Hill. Look what I buy in gift shop at museum.
14:36 You sign it. It'd be worth more money.
14:39 Hey, look at me. I'm Hank Hill and I just passed the wind.
14:45 Quick, somebody frame it.
14:48 Hey, there's nothing funny about this, you hibbity moron.
14:54 Can't you see the juxtaposition of Hank's clogged up colon with that skinny starving kid make deep statement about something?
15:01 They cast stones at your colon from ignorance, Hank.
15:05 Your ass is genius.
15:08 Can you give me your guest list for Shishi Art Gallery parties?
15:12 Coming through.
15:17 Guess what the school nurse got for me today.
15:21 I'll give you a hint.
15:24 Hi, Mrs. Hill.
15:32 Bobby left his spoon at my house.
15:35 Well, thank you, Connie. I will let Bobby know that you returned it.
15:39 By the way, how's his toe gout?
15:45 Do you think he's going to get better in time for the dance?
15:48 Of course he is, honey, but why do you...
15:51 I've got to go.
15:57 Honey, listen to me. Caring for Bobby is nothing to be embarrassed about.
16:01 Oh, yeah? He named his swollen toe "Madam" and she talks with a French accent.
16:08 I did not know that.
16:10 Well, it's still not as bad as seeing your husband's colon on the wall.
16:14 I know. It's hanging in our den.
16:17 Well, Bobby's had a taste of showbiz and it does not agree with him.
16:21 No more deli foods for him.
16:23 He is doing everything he can to get back on his feet in time for that dance.
16:29 (MOANING)
16:32 I see by your face you did not know about the rascal.
16:36 Bobby? What are you doing?
16:51 You smell like cat food.
16:54 You're eating chopped liver, aren't you?
16:56 It comes with the platter.
16:58 Bobby, I searched every shop looking for just the right dress, which I finally found.
17:05 And here you are eating all the stuff that gives you gout.
17:08 I just came in to use the restroom.
17:11 Bobby, I found some good empty meat in the back. I know how you like it.
17:15 You would rather stuff yourself and roll around in your stupid electric cart than take me to the dance?
17:23 Well, I guess I would.
17:26 (SOBBING)
17:29 Carl, get me a plate of kippers and onions.
17:33 I don't know, Bobby. Don't you think you've had enough?
17:36 Well, I'll tell you when I've had enough.
17:49 Hey, Connie, I got a new deck of cards.
17:53 You want to come over and play cards this weekend?
17:57 Why don't you play it with your chicken livers? I'm going to the dance.
18:01 But I told you I didn't want to go to the dance.
18:05 I know. I'm going with someone else.
18:09 I've got gout!
18:12 Uh, sir, if I could just get off a few hours early, I need to go to Dallas.
18:18 Oh, right, right. That picture of your butt pipe with all that beef gumming up the works.
18:23 You got to chew more, honey.
18:26 When I think of what they're doing to the good name of beef.
18:29 Those damn Oprahs.
18:31 And what ain't good for beef ain't good for barbecues, Hank.
18:34 And what ain't good for barbecues ain't good for propane.
18:47 I came to take down that picture of my private insides.
18:51 As for the Indian fella, I guess that's between you and him.
18:55 All right, Mr. Hill, I think we've had enough. Security, throw that man out.
19:00 I'll do you one better. Sheriff?
19:04 All right. You the fellas that perpetrated this art?
19:09 You're under arrest.
19:11 What are you talking about? I've got the right of free expression.
19:15 Oh, you can have all the free speech you want within the law.
19:20 And in the state of Texas, there's a law against defaming beef.
19:25 Sheriff, my colon.
19:29 You realize you will never have another avant-garde art exhibit in this state.
19:34 We'll get by.
19:43 Hank Hill, running back. Circa 1974.
19:48 Picture by Kodak USA.
19:52 Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
19:59 Have fun, Tom Jr. You got your pepper spray.
20:02 Yes, Mom.
20:03 Use the Arnold's Hillbillies no matter what.
20:06 I want to see that empty when you come home.
20:10 [Hank Hill's "Hotel Transylvania" plays]
20:14 I figure it's all for the best with Connie.
20:36 This way I can concentrate on my new act.
20:40 Hello, my name is Madame. I'm here to start the show.
20:47 I guess I'm not feeling real on right now.
20:51 I just can't believe she would stop being friends with me.
20:55 I guess I do like this delicious New York-style food better than I like her.
21:00 Well, then how come all you've done tonight is talk about Connie?
21:03 And you haven't touched your chicken liver.
21:07 Carl, bring me my rascal.
21:16 [Gunshot]
21:19 Hmm?
21:38 [Groans]
21:42 [Groans]
21:45 [Groans]
22:00 [Groans]
22:04 [Groans]
22:07 ♪ And my, and mine ♪
22:13 ♪ In my life, I've lost all ♪
22:20 ♪ In a trade for a lot of pain ♪
22:26 ♪ Trade for a lot of pain ♪
22:29 ♪ I live like a fly ♪
22:32 ♪ Oh, that brings the curse ♪
22:41 ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
22:46 [yawns]
22:48 [grunts]
22:50 [grunts]
22:51 [grunting]
22:57 [grunting]
23:06 [grunting]
23:21 Connie! Connie!
23:24 Bobby?
23:25 [grunting]
23:29 Are you okay, Bobby? Where's your cart?
23:32 You can't dance in a cart. Where's your date?
23:37 Hmm, there is no date. I was just hoping to make you jealous.
23:43 Shall we?
23:47 What about your gout?
23:49 My dad says when you really want something, you play through the pain.
23:56 Hmm.
23:58 [grunting]
24:03 [grunting]
24:10 ♪ Without you, if you ever go ♪
24:15 ♪ I'm not alone ♪
24:20 [rock music]
24:23 [rock music]
24:26 ♪ ♪
24:29 [rock music]
24:32 ♪ ♪
24:35 [rock music]
24:38 ♪ ♪
24:41 [bell ringing]
24:44 [bell ringing]
24:47 [rock music]
24:50 ♪ ♪
24:53 I've got gout!