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  • 2 days ago
Have I Got a Bit More News for You S69 E03
Transcript
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Catherine Parkinson. In the news this week, Ed Davey regrets agreeing to a photo op that represents Lib Dem's sensible middle cause between left and right.
00:49Oh!
00:56In London, there's an unfortunate first outing in front of the press for the newly appointed junior minister for sport.
01:04And in Manchester, the sun shines for the second day in a row.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a journalist with the Financial Times who once hosted a podcast called A Skeptic's Guide to Crypto, for which she was paid an absolute fortune and which is now worth 25p.
01:34Please welcome Jemima Kelly.
01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:41And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor better placed than most to assess the current Labour government, appearing as he has in several high-profile pantomimes.
01:51Please welcome Julian Clary.
01:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:55Could have been well.
01:59We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Ian and Jemima, here's yours.
02:05Steelworks, management burning all the records. Get them in!
02:10Angela Rayner looking charming in a hard hat.
02:13That's she-waving.
02:16We've taken back control over the steel industry, haven't we?
02:20We have. British steel is British once more.
02:25Except it's owned by the Chinese.
02:27And then we had to recall Parliament. They worked on a Saturday, the MPs.
02:31Mm.
02:32And it worked.
02:34Apparently that was the first time since the Falklands War that they did that on a Saturday.
02:38Really?
02:39Which is really quite a long time.
02:41I was abused that Jonathan Reynolds went up to Immingham to see all this stuff being, you know, taken off ships in order, apparently, to make Britain, you know, self-reliant.
02:51And all this stuff had apparently come in from, like, Japan, America and Australia, I think.
02:57Yeah, but it's British in the sense that we import it from other countries.
03:01We take it to a plant owned by the Chinese, then we do something or other.
03:06We put Made in Britain on it.
03:07Yes.
03:08And it's virgin steel.
03:10That sounds like a Jilly Cooper novel.
03:13Are you in it?
03:15Not yet.
03:17Yeah, you're right.
03:18This is the government's rescue of the British steel industry in the nick of time.
03:23The Chinese owners appear to be actively running down the blast furnaces.
03:27Have you any proof of that?
03:29No.
03:30What will I just...
03:32I think that's a disgraceful accusation.
03:36They were...
03:37The Chinese management were trying to close it down without anyone noticing.
03:41And the government had to step in.
03:44It was quite exciting.
03:45Mm.
03:46What was the proof you have of that?
03:48Oh, I have proof, yeah.
03:50I'm...
03:51I was invited into a Chinese security WhatsApp group.
03:54I'm also on that group!
03:57It's all very educational, isn't it?
03:59Yeah.
04:00I'm glad I came.
04:02Why is it all so touch and go in Scunthorpe?
04:06Because if you let the steel work stop, then you can't start them again.
04:10That's right. It would be incredibly difficult to restart them.
04:13The molten steel would cool down and solidify in a big lump.
04:17So, in order to prevent this, according to the Times,
04:21a hole must be drilled in the bottom of the furnace so the slag can run.
04:26That does sound like the plot of a Jilly Cooper.
04:29That one I'll be in.
04:34With Danny Dyer, you slag.
04:38Do you remember Rishi Sunak?
04:41Yes. Yes.
04:43Yes, we do, yes.
04:44Yes.
04:45He was the one before...
04:47Oh, which one before?
04:50His resignation honours list was released this week.
04:53Any notable elevations?
04:55Jeremy Hunt is a sir at night.
04:57Yeah.
04:58And somebody else was as well.
04:59Lord Gove.
05:01Lord Gove.
05:02Yes.
05:03Lord Gove.
05:04I know.
05:06Yes, he will be taking ermine and he's taken a lot of things.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:11Didn't his trust get a little something for her trouble?
05:18LAUGHTER
05:20A little gift bag.
05:23Did you notice any of Rishi Sunak's former co-workers in the news this week?
05:28Did he have co-workers?
05:29Fifteen people, including Rishi Sunak's personal aide, have been charged with gambling offences.
05:34Oh, yes.
05:36After allegedly placing bets on the timing of last year's general election.
05:40They haven't been charged with betting on the Tories to lose the election as that information was already in the public domain.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46Here is Sunak's aide, Craig Williams, being doorstepped by BBC News.
05:51Did you have inside information when you placed your bet on the election date?
05:55I made a statement. It's an independent process with the gambling commission now.
05:59I won't be expanding on that statement.
06:01Did you have any inside information when you made the bet?
06:03I clearly made a huge error of judgement.
06:06He's clearly not doing very well. He's had to sell the sleeves to his jacket.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:11Well, that's a gilet, which is another error of judgement.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:17That's true.
06:22Do you remember Liz Truss?
06:26No.
06:28What has she just announced?
06:31She's going to start her own social media business.
06:35We'll see how long that lasts.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38That's right, she's launching her own social media platform that will be completely uncensored.
06:44She told a political action conference in Washington,
06:47we've seen what independent media has done for the United States and we want some of them.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54You've probably never heard of Andrew Griffith.
06:56Andrew Griffith? Andy!
06:58Do you know him?
07:00Yeah, Andy Griffith. Lovely.
07:02You might have heard what you said about the Lib Dems recently.
07:04Can we see a picture of him?
07:06Oh.
07:08Everything I hoped for.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:13It's a sort of face you could turn upside down and it would still work as a face.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:24He was asked if the Conservatives would do a deal with extremists in the Reform Party
07:27and he said Lib Dems are extremists. When their councillors get in they promote four-day weeks and veganism.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36An outrageous slur and here's the evidence to prove it.
07:39There's this guy, he's called President Trump and he's messing with our trade and he's hurting us.
07:46Liberal Democrats say, fight back, buy British.
07:48And so I'm here in the Highlands in Scotland and I'm saying, buy square sausage.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:57Have you ever had a square sausage?
08:00LAUGHTER
08:02Between me and my husband.
08:04Yeah, yeah.
08:05Why does Ed Davis have to say hurting?
08:09LAUGHTER
08:11I was really focused on his dancing, actually.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:15I thought he was being tasered. That was dancing, was it?
08:17LAUGHTER
08:18LAUGHTER
08:23Do you want to see another of...
08:25No.
08:27I thought Fido, his career, are going to see it as a serious politician? Here we go.
08:31Hi guys. I'm here in Shrewsby Market. It's a bigly market. It's doing great stuff.
08:37Come and buy your things from here. But you know that guy, President Trump, he's been panicking the markets.
08:44We're not panicking here, we're buying British in Shrewsby.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:50Wow.
08:52What's the matter with him?
08:53No.
08:55He did it again. Panicking.
08:58It's like a ramekin.
09:01He may be from the provinces.
09:05How are the Labour Council of Birmingham doing with the bin strike?
09:09Not well.
09:10Yeah, not too well.
09:12It's still going on.
09:13And the rats are now 17 feet.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:19The veteran war correspondent, Kate Adie, had more bad news for Birmingham this week. What was that?
09:25She's going to visit.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:30Though, the BBC had a secret list of the most disliked accents and Brummie comes top.
09:35Aw.
09:36Do you agree? Do you like the Birmingham accent?
09:37I don't. I actually... I'm a fan.
09:40I like a Birmingham accent.
09:41Hmm.
09:42It sounds like they're underwater, doesn't it?
09:44LAUGHTER
09:46Yeah.
09:48Kate Adie was speaking at an event donating her personal archive to Sunderland University.
09:55She told a story about her most terrifying moment as a war reporter.
09:58Do you know what this was?
10:00Erm, no we don't.
10:01LAUGHTER
10:02I was reporting from Belfast and I thought I'd been shot in the face.
10:06I dropped down and assumed I was going to die until my cameraman said,
10:10get up, you've been hit by a potato.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:15Actually, I do have a Brummie joke for you.
10:17What do you call a Brummie who installs TV aerials?
10:22Antennae.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:30My answer's on a postcard, I think.
10:33Anthony.
10:34Anthony.
10:35Antennae.
10:37OK.
10:41There's another Brummie joke.
10:42Sort of, I went to a fancy dress party and the theme was spice,
10:45so I went as this red pepper and everybody else went as an astronaut.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:52Spice.
10:53Spice.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:57Red pepper isn't a spice thing.
10:58I couldn't think...
11:02Let yourself down there.
11:03Yeah, let yourself...
11:05What shall I have to say?
11:07Well, cumin or something.
11:10I went to a fancy dress party the other day
11:12and the theme was spice, so I went as a cumin.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:17And when I went to the door, they said,
11:18Cumin.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:24This is the government's rescue of Scunthorpe Steelworks
11:27just before the plant's furnaces were shut down.
11:30Following a speech to steel workers who had somehow kept
11:32the furnaces at their plant going,
11:34Keir Starmer received a standing ovation,
11:37mainly because they'd had to burn all the chairs.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40Business Secretary Jonathan Reynolds has had to formally apologise
11:43after wrongly referring to himself as an ex-solicitor.
11:48You have to be accurate about these things, said former world snooker champion Rachel Reeves.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56Julian, here's yours.
11:58Right.
12:00Oh, blimey.
12:01Geoff. Is it Geoff?
12:02Geoff Bezos a rocket going up into the air and it's...
12:05Katy Perry.
12:06Katy Perry kissing the ground.
12:08And there's Amazon delivering.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:12Personally.
12:14So what do you think this is, Julian?
12:15I think this is to do with the trip up in a rocket.
12:18Yes.
12:19We're excited about it.
12:21Overexcited, some would say.
12:22Yeah, there was a lot of screaming as they were coming down.
12:24Yeah.
12:25About the parachute.
12:26Yeah.
12:27But very excited.
12:28That's right, yeah.
12:29This is the news that for an all-too-brief 11 minutes, Katy Perry was blasted into space.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:37They say in space no-one can hear you scream.
12:40Sadly, it turns out that's not true.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:43You hear that screaming inside the capsule?
12:48It's a very soft, soft landing despite the sporty, uh, perception.
12:52There it is.
12:53LAUGHTER
13:00Who were the commentators?
13:01Was it one of the Kardashians?
13:04What was notable about the Blue Origin space flight?
13:08Well, it's the first all-female crew to go into, technically, into outer space.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Which I think's a nice idea.
13:13I'm going to get onto that, Geoff, and see if we couldn't have an all-homosexual flight.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:19Who would you have going?
13:20It would be me.
13:21Yeah.
13:22Craig Revel Horwood.
13:23Yeah.
13:24Christopher Biggins.
13:26Yeah, you can't go to space without Christopher Biggins.
13:30And Alan Titchmarsh.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:38I don't think Alan Titchmarsh is homosexual.
13:40He will be by the time we come down.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:43Something like that for nothing.
13:45Oh, no, no.
13:47What, in 11 minutes?
13:49The rocket won't be the only thing making a re-entry, I can tell you that right.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:55Owned by billionaire Amazon owner Jeff Bezos.
13:58Bozos, I think it's been around.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:01It was the first all-female space flight since 1963.
14:05Oh, yes.
14:06Passengers included Jeff Bezos's fiancée, Lauren Sanchez, and singer Katy Perry.
14:10They were weightless for four minutes.
14:12Let's see them.
14:14Oh, the moon!
14:15You guys, I have to tell you, look at the moon.
14:19That's amazing.
14:23Oh, my God!
14:24Was that a butterfly she was...
14:25That was her set list for her forthcoming tour.
14:27Yes.
14:28Yes.
14:29She happened to take the opportunity to publicise.
14:31Yes.
14:32There was a very good report of them.
14:34They said all of them screamed,
14:36gosh, I can see the moon, and the report ended,
14:38wait till they go outside when they get home.
14:41LAUGHTER
14:42What did Gayle King, US Morning Show host and a nervous flyer,
14:49say as she emerged from the capsule after landing back on Earth?
14:52I'm so glad to be back on Earth.
14:53Yeah.
14:54She said, I would just like to have a moment with the ground.
14:58We've all been there.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:06Gayle King was quite offended afterwards
15:07that people were calling it a ride.
15:09She said, this is not a ride, you know,
15:10and Katy Perry said the same thing.
15:12She said, a ride makes it sound frivolous.
15:14This was no frivolous thing.
15:16And, you know, they're all saying
15:17that if it was male astronauts
15:18that they would have never called it a ride.
15:20It would have been a flight or a journey.
15:22And Katy Perry said, her whole life is a journey.
15:25And this was just part of it.
15:27It's a journey into love.
15:29And you can see, by the way,
15:30that she holds up her set list on that butterfly.
15:33Yeah.
15:34Her upcoming tour.
15:35She's just so connected.
15:36Incredibly profound.
15:38It must be quite an experience, though,
15:39to look down, to see the planet Earth up from,
15:41you know, down that way.
15:42It must be quite something.
15:43Something you'll never forget.
15:44No, I'd like to do it.
15:45Would you?
15:46I'd love to do it, yeah.
15:47If Alan's not up for it.
15:48Yeah.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:52He will be.
15:53Yeah.
15:56Shall we take a look at the rocket?
15:58Oh, there we are.
15:59Send that postcard to Alan
16:00and he'll be straight with you.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02What did Yvonne from Flincher have to say about it
16:04on the Channel 5 phone-in show?
16:07Oh.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:09I missed that.
16:10I don't know.
16:11No, I don't know either, no.
16:12Yvonne wasn't happy.
16:14Most upsetting thing, I think, is the shape of the rocket.
16:18Um...
16:19It was obviously phallic.
16:22Um...
16:23I found it...
16:24self-indulgent and disgusting, quite honestly.
16:26Um...
16:27Is that...
16:28I mean, surely they would work out the best...
16:30shape for space flight, Yvonne?
16:33LAUGHTER
16:34It wouldn't be all with that thought in their head,
16:36otherwise it wouldn't work.
16:37It wouldn't fly.
16:38Um...
16:39I...
16:40I've never seen a rocket shaped like this before.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43I mean, they're all kind of phallic to a certain extent,
16:45aren't they?
16:46This is especially phallic.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:50APPLAUSE
16:52All the headlines referred to them as an all-female crew,
16:59but what wasn't strictly accurate about those headlines?
17:02They weren't actually running the ship.
17:05Yeah, they weren't.
17:06It was a sort of driverless rocket.
17:08It was a self-flying rocket,
17:09although Katy Perry said she'd trained for the flight
17:11by listening to an audio book of Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15Reading a book on string theory
17:17and was already well-prepared as she was very interested in astrology.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22I don't want to hear some more of this sort of thing, so have this.
17:26How do you feel?
17:27I feel super connected to love.
17:30So connected to love.
17:32I think this experience has shown me
17:35you never know how much love is inside of you,
17:38like how much love you have to give,
17:41and how loved you are until the day you launch.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47That should be the day you lunch, isn't it?
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51As I descended, Katy Perry sang the Louis Armstrong classic,
17:56What a Wonderful World,
17:58at which point more screaming could be heard.
18:00Let's see how commentators prepared viewers
18:02for what was about to happen.
18:04And Katy Perry did say that she was going to sing in space.
18:08I'm waiting for it.
18:09I'm waiting for it.
18:10One minute warning.
18:12One minute warning.
18:13Do you think she thought Louis Armstrong was the first man on the moon?
18:19LAUGHTER
18:21Those would have been good first words on the moon.
18:23That would have been good.
18:24I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
18:25What a wonderful world.
18:26That would have been all right, wouldn't it?
18:27Because he got it wrong, didn't he?
18:28Famously, Neil Armstrong.
18:29Yeah.
18:30One small step for man is what he said.
18:31He only meant a man.
18:32He should have said a man, yeah.
18:33Yeah.
18:34This is a current affairs programme.
18:35Yeah.
18:38I'm glad you're paying attention.
18:42There was quite a lot of emphasis on the outfits, wasn't there?
18:46Here they are in their jumpsuits.
18:48When I go up with Alan Titchmarsh.
18:51Yeah.
18:54He's going to wear a miniskirt.
18:56Is he?
19:01This is a current affairs programme.
19:06It was.
19:09This is the all-female trip into space on Amazon's Blue Origin rocket.
19:13Lauren Sanchez described experiencing profound awe
19:16as she looked out of the window and saw the moon.
19:19Turns out they'd only gone a few feet and that was just Geoff's head.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:25Time now for round two.
19:26And with several Tories and police officers being charged
19:29with gambling offences,
19:31it's perhaps not the best time to employ
19:33the one-armed bandit of news.
19:35Fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:37Fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:45Oh.
19:47When I pressed the button, he wasn't wearing a beret or holding a pallet.
19:52Right, so there's these rats that have been doing these paintings
19:54which have gone extremely well.
19:55What they do is they dip the rats in the blue paint
19:57and they walk across the canvas and somebody in New York Art Gallery
19:59has paid £12 million for this huge canvas that's rat-based.
20:02Yeah.
20:03Yeah, what do you mean, yeah?
20:04Can't be right.
20:05This is the news that a group of rats in Somerset
20:07have launched their painting career.
20:09No, they haven't.
20:10They haven't launched it.
20:11Somebody else has done it.
20:13You know, I don't think we can say what the rats are thinking.
20:17We can say what they're not thinking.
20:19I can't afford to get to Birmingham so I might as well become an artist.
20:23In Somerset.
20:24How are these artworks created by the rats?
20:28By dipping the rats in the paint and having them walking across canvas.
20:31With their tail?
20:32Yeah.
20:33Yeah.
20:34Passing through a bath of water-based paint
20:35and are then guided onto a miniature canvas.
20:37Have you done some of these paintings?
20:39Well, it's either that or giving them lessons in perspective.
20:43I imagine it's just dipping them in paint and then shoving them across something.
20:46Yes.
20:47That's exactly right.
20:48Shall we have a look at the rats masterpiece?
20:49Yeah, go on then.
20:50Yes.
20:51Oh, no, he's proud of it.
20:54Can they say he's proud?
20:56Let's have a look at another.
20:58They're all jacks and bollocks.
21:01Rat, goth, that doesn't really work.
21:04Rat, goth?
21:05Well, that's the standard.
21:07Rat, casso.
21:10That's what they're aimed for.
21:12Yeah.
21:14Leonardo de Rat.
21:15Yeah.
21:17Why are the rats doing this?
21:19Because they're made to for food.
21:22Well, their owner, Steph Toogood, told the BBC she wants to shift people's opinions of rats, saying,
21:28A lot of people have come to me and said that what I do with the photos I share has changed their perception of rats.
21:34How many of those people were from Birmingham?
21:36How many rats does Steph employ?
21:4048.
21:41Six.
21:43She has 16 rats, but only 12 of them paint.
21:45Oh, really? What did the other do? Sculpt?
21:47What special services does Steph offer?
21:57Oh, I don't know about that.
21:59Buyers can choose which rat they want to create their painting, but only when the number of orders is at a manageable level.
22:06Which is always.
22:08These are the rats in Somerset that have launched a painting career.
22:13Owner Steph Toogood says that her rats love to paint pictures, adding,
22:16If they show any sign of unwillingness, it's Bob.
22:19And then she gets out her special shovel.
22:21Online shoppers can buy a piece of Miss Toogood's rat art for £35.
22:25In return, you get a unique painting, a certificate of authenticity, and a nasty case of Viles disease.
22:32Fingers on buzzers teams.
22:41Oh, well, this is the tariff trade wars.
22:44JD Vance the other day made a remarkable comment where he said,
22:47We're not on anybody's side, we're on America's side.
22:50What's the JD stand for? Do we know? Is it Jumbo Dickhead? I've no idea.
22:56Does anybody know? Do you know what it is? Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels.
23:00Yeah, there's a trade war going on at the moment.
23:03Trump doesn't know where he is, he just makes stuff up, he just says this, he says that.
23:07The Chinese are just sort of, like, very angry.
23:09If I had to choose who to trade with, if I was Taiwan, and who's to say I'm not?
23:18He's got a nice face. I like the Chinese man's face.
23:21He's got a nice face.
23:23Warm personality, do you think?
23:24Well, compared to the other one.
23:25Oh, well, yeah. Compared to Trump, yeah.
23:27I've just been reading the book about Trump's golfing habits, and he just cheats openly at golf all the time.
23:33Like, what he does, he tees off and he gets in his golf cart, and he'll sort of, like, if his opponents hit a really good ball down the fairway, he'll play that as his own ball.
23:39Yeah, it's called the Gulf of America.
23:42Yeah.
23:47He just cheats all the time.
23:49Paul will be appearing in El Salvador.
23:51Yeah.
23:54It's a new musical.
23:56So, I mean, what's the tariff now on China?
23:59Is it 145?
24:01245%.
24:02Oh, wow.
24:03He knows what he's doing.
24:04Sure.
24:07Have you met Trump?
24:08I have met Trump.
24:09Oh, hello.
24:10Here we go.
24:11What's he like?
24:12He was wearing his golf outfit when I first met him, when he was like, he...
24:16Was there a whiff of sulphur about him?
24:20I was having a luncheon in Mar-a-Lago, as you do.
24:23Oh, yeah.
24:24Yeah.
24:25And, um, I knew that he was arriving because, um, I think he considers himself as a bit of a king, doesn't he?
24:30Mm-hmm.
24:31You know, that's his palace.
24:32And so, as kings in the past have done, he requests that the music be turned up very loud when he comes in to his own house.
24:41You know, when...
24:42I do like the idea of music being turned up before you walk into a room.
24:45Yeah.
24:46Would you phone my husband?
24:49And say, get Dusty Springfield on.
24:51LAUGHTER
24:53It's been a bad week for JD Vance, who's mentioned there.
24:56What's he been up to?
24:58No good.
24:59No good, and presenting his old university, Ohio State.
25:02Oh, yes, he dropped a trophy, didn't he?
25:03Yes!
25:04Dropped a trophy, yeah.
25:05Here's how it went.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:12It's a fantastic metaphor, isn't it?
25:15Safe pair of...
25:17Oh!
25:18LAUGHTER
25:19Which institution has Trump got a problem with?
25:22Uh...
25:23Democracy.
25:24That's right.
25:25Also Harvard University.
25:26Oh, yes, Harvard University, yes, yes.
25:28He's withdrawn their funding.
25:29That's right.
25:30Trump demanded that they abolish diversity, equality and inclusion programmes in staff hiring
25:34and admissions, or lose its tax-exempt status.
25:37But Harvard refused, so the government has now frozen Harvard's $2 billion of federal funding.
25:42Yes, I mean, he's going for the universities and he's done lawyers, he's done the press.
25:46I mean, you could argue that he's a straightforward fascist.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51Yeah, you could, yeah.
25:52Yeah, you could.
25:53APPLAUSE
25:54Is there some balance coming?
25:58There is, there is.
26:00He's not a straightforward fascist.
26:01Oh, thank you very much.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03He's sort of devious fascist.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06Well, he's got a great new policy proposal here.
26:09Does anyone know what that might be?
26:11Something bonkers, what is it?
26:13He's making showers great again.
26:15Oh, yes, yes.
26:16Yes.
26:17He says it takes a long time for him to get his beautiful hair wet.
26:20That's right.
26:21According to The Guardian, Trump is sick of low water pressure.
26:23So he's planning to reverse restrictions introduced by Obama and Biden on how much water flow
26:28can pass through a shower head.
26:30Here's what he had to say.
26:31In my case, I like to take a nice shower to take care of my beautiful hair.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:37I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes till it gets wet.
26:40It comes out drip, drip, drip.
26:42It's ridiculous.
26:44LAUGHTER
26:46I'm really with him on that.
26:47Are you?
26:48I like a...
26:49You're often in a shower with Donald Trump?
26:50I would like a shower.
26:51I would like a shower with Donald Trump.
26:52And do you experience a drip, drip, drip sensation?
26:54I do.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:57Oh.
26:58He also...
26:59Have you heard he wants to create more daylight?
27:01Yes.
27:02What, between his ears?
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05But how is he going to...?
27:07So he's going to bend over more often.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10He wants to stay on daylight, saving time all year round and scrap changing the clocks,
27:14which he calls a big inconvenience, mainly because he doesn't understand it.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:20How's Trump's education secretary and former wrestling star Linda McMahon getting on in her role?
27:25Oh, she's doing really well because she's telling people not to be worried about A1.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31That's right.
27:32A1 is a system which can be used to help humanity.
27:35We don't fear A1 because A1 has got a lot to offer us all.
27:39That's right.
27:40Here she is.
27:41And you think I'm joking, don't you?
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43Yes, take a look.
27:44There is a school system that's going to start making sure that first graders or even pre-Ks
27:50have A1 teaching, you know, every year starting, you know, that far down in the grades.
27:55Well, he wants to shut down Harvard.
27:58LAUGHTER
28:00Why are the others nodding along?
28:02They're just confirming their own personal view that this woman's an idiot.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07On the subject of A1...
28:09Yes.
28:10..it's amazing what it can do.
28:12Yes.
28:13Would anyone like to see Ian and Paul as Muppets?
28:16No!
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18Yes.
28:19No!
28:20Oh, thank you!
28:21Well...
28:22Go on, then.
28:23Ian.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:27That's good.
28:28Who's going?
28:29Oh!
28:30I like that.
28:31It's good.
28:32And, Paul, here's one of you.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:37They look so to mind, don't they?
28:39Maybe we could do this to world leaders to make them seem less threatening.
28:42Here's Xi Jinping.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:46Here's Putin.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49He's not a bad guy.
28:50LAUGHTER
28:52And here's Trump.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:59This is another week of turmoil courtesy of Donald Trump.
29:03There are fears the trade war with America could make the Chinese president so unpopular
29:08that his approval rating could slump to 98%.
29:11Kleiner has warned that tariffs will make Trump a laughing stock.
29:15As the saying goes, that ship has sailed, docked, the passengers have disembarked.
29:20They've wandered round the shops in the old town, re-boarded, everyone's called the norovirus,
29:24it's made its return voyage and docked again twice.
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29Which means, at the end of this round, it's Ian and Jemima with two, and Paul and Julian with four.
29:35APPLAUSE
29:40Time now for the odd one-out round, just one between you this week.
29:47Your four are Donald Trump, a Range Rover, a ferry in Scotland and a person weighing seven stone nine pounds in Beijing.
29:54BUZZER
29:56Donald Trump this week had his medical report issued, which claimed he weighed a certain amount and that he was a certain height.
30:02So I think this is probably something to do with size, isn't it?
30:05Yes.
30:06Is it weight? Because the Chinese government told people who weighed less than eight stone not to go out because it's really windy.
30:13Oh!
30:15LAUGHTER
30:16And then get blown away.
30:19So I didn't go out.
30:23That's exactly right.
30:24At the weekend, Chinese authorities warned people in the north of the country who weighed seven stone nine pounds or less,
30:30that's about 50 kilograms, to stay indoors because strong winds meant they could be easily blown away.
30:37There's a port in Scotland somewhere.
30:40Or unless the ships are getting so big, but they can't fit in.
30:44And the Range Rovers, I imagine, have sort of become...
30:47The cars are getting bigger, so they're getting heavier.
30:49So that's about size.
30:50So is she the odd one out because she's the one that couldn't go outside?
30:55They are all too big apart from a person weighing seven stone nine pounds in Beijing who may be too small.
30:59The ferry in Ardrossland in Scotland is too big because it can't fit in the port,
31:04and angry locals have been waiting for years for two new ferries to operate the daily service to the Isle of Arran,
31:09but they have been beset by a series of failures.
31:12According to Sky News, the new vessels cost 400 million pounds, quadruple their original price tag.
31:17One was delivered seven years late, the other is still being built,
31:21and both are too big to fit in the harbour.
31:24So it's going to cost another 80 million pounds for the jetty to be upgraded.
31:27Blimey.
31:29This was when the SNP was saying they could do infrastructure much better than the government in Westminster.
31:34And how are people having to make the journey in the meantime?
31:37Swim.
31:39According to Mail Online, the ferries are now out of Troon.
31:43How have locals in Ardrossland reacted to the news?
31:46I won't be going to Troon.
31:48I won't be going to Troon.
31:50I won't go to Troon.
31:52I won't go down to Troon.
31:54That's it.
31:56No to Troon.
31:58It's too far down.
32:00People have been complaining that new Range Rovers and other SUVs are now too big to fit into parking spaces.
32:05What's another problem that big cars create?
32:08They're very heavy, aren't they?
32:10But there are more potholes.
32:11Oh, that's right.
32:13More roads, but heavier, yeah, absolutely.
32:15There are, thankfully, some good Samaritans around to lend a hand.
32:18Yes.
32:19Loads and loads of plants in there for you today.
32:21Absolutely fantastic.
32:23Look at that.
32:24I've got to tell you what.
32:28Oh.
32:29Who's this we have?
32:31What are you doing, mate?
32:32I'm just filling these potholes in it, Nigel, are you?
32:35With flowers?
32:37With flowers.
32:38I don't have the license to tarmac and I don't have the license to alter the road surface, so I thought I'd make them look pretty.
32:43This is unbelievable.
32:44Do you like that, do you?
32:45Oh, he's amazing.
32:46I have one plant left and I do have one monstrous pothole if you'd like to assist me.
32:51What do I have to do?
32:53Gosh.
32:54What would that look like if it had been planned?
32:58Who says Donald Trump is too big?
33:01His doctor?
33:03That's right.
33:04The President's doctor, Sean Barberbella.
33:06Yes.
33:07Trump's recent medical revealed that he is in excellent physical health, but at 16 stone and 6 foot 3 in height, he is still overweight on the BMI scale.
33:15Some have speculated that the President is fudging his height to swing the BMI scale in his favour and away from the obese category.
33:22Here he is standing next to Prince William, who is also 6 foot 3.
33:25Trump also took a cognitive exam.
33:26What did that reveal?
33:27Well, we shall never know, but he boasted about it on these sort of private jets to the various reporters that he took a cognitive test, but he couldn't remember what it was.
33:40Yeah, let's have a look at Trump talking about his results.
33:44Yeah.
33:45By the way, I took my cognitive exam as part of my physical exam and I got the highest mark and one of the doctors said,
33:52Sir, I've never seen anybody get that kind of a, that was the highest mark.
33:57I hope you're happy with that.
34:00He has to be a winner.
34:01He can't possibly become second.
34:02He has to be, he has to be the biggest, best.
34:05Best cognitive test.
34:06Absolutely.
34:07Nobody's ever done this.
34:08We've tested millions of people.
34:09Yeah.
34:10And you and absolute moron have done better than you.
34:13You really are amazing.
34:15We just don't know how you do it.
34:21Yeah.
34:22Well, let's have a look at that cognitive excellence in action.
34:25It's like Benny Hill, isn't it?
34:40Yes.
34:42Yes, they're all too big apart from a person weighing seven stone, nine pounds in Beijing who may be too small to prevent being blown away in a storm.
34:51Range Rovers are getting bigger.
34:53But the Green Party's Jenny Jones stated,
34:55Urban streets are simply too small to accommodate these vehicles.
34:58Fair enough.
34:59But how is Tarquin getting to school?
35:01I mean, his harp won't fit on a bus, will it?
35:05As part of his annual check-up, Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.
35:09Mmm.
35:11Well, they found Keir Starmer.
35:13A colonoscopy revealed the President had a polyp in his colon.
35:23It's currently the only thing in the entire White House that is benign.
35:27LAUGHTER
35:29Sign out for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication, Meat Management.
35:36Er, they've got a whole section on mincing.
35:40LAUGHTER
35:41You've parked up, wasn't it?
35:43LAUGHTER
35:45Happy days.
35:46Yes.
35:47And we start with two of the highlights of the Meat Management calendar are UK Sausage Week and what?
35:54UK Sausage Month.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:56No, no, it's Savilloy Fortnight.
35:59Could you make a Savilloy last a fortnight?
36:00Yeah.
36:01Not in my house.
36:02No.
36:04It's the Women in Meat Awards.
36:06Oh, of course.
36:07UK Sausage Week famously contains one or two high-quality events bulked out with a lot of stuff you'd rather not know about.
36:14Next, Chalcombe Lane near Bath needs what because what?
36:19Needs an adequate meat supplier.
36:21Because there aren't any.
36:22LAUGHTER
36:24I'm nodding but it's wrong.
36:25Yeah.
36:26It's...
36:27Abattoir, is it?
36:28Abattoir.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:31No, it needs its own toad patrol because of the number of toads that go there to mate.
36:36Oh.
36:37Has that got to do with meat?
36:38No, not all to do with a meat manufacturer.
36:39Oh, no.
36:40Now you tell me.
36:41Yeah.
36:43Fossage salon.
36:44Yeah, according to The Guardian, 4,000 frogs gather each year to mate near a busy main road.
36:49To be fair, it is a well-known frogging site.
36:53Next, meat management columnist Norman Bagley encourages readers to persevere with his article despite it beginning with the words what?
37:01Cauliflower cheese.
37:03Don't read this.
37:04I'm Norman Bagley.
37:07Yeah.
37:08LAUGHTER
37:09And I claim my five pounds.
37:11LAUGHTER
37:12No.
37:13Meat is murder.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:15The answer's actually Chris Packham.
37:16Hmm?
37:17This is an article which begins, Chris Packham.
37:19No, don't stop reading.
37:21According to the magazine, Norman Bagley is...
37:23Sorry, you lost me at Norman Bagley.
37:25LAUGHTER
37:26Next, a single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean, what?
37:32Seeks pickled onion.
37:34LAUGHTER
37:35APPLAUSE
37:40It's actually a single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean could spark a foot-and-mouth nightmare.
37:48Can he get a point even though it's not right?
37:51No, you can't get a point if it's not right.
37:52OK.
37:53I didn't know you got points for getting it right.
37:55LAUGHTER
37:58Have you not been to a quiz before?
38:00I thought you got a point if it was funny.
38:02Oh.
38:03We wouldn't have five points.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:09Next, meat management's response to veganuary is what?
38:14Steak-tember.
38:15Meat management's response to men and your veterinary is to say,
38:19look, it's all very well to people to be vegans,
38:21we applaud their choices in life,
38:23but that doesn't really suit us,
38:24because we're really in the business of manufacturing and managing meat,
38:27so we'd rather that we concentrate on that,
38:29or we've run out of space.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:32Yeah, that's close.
38:34Meat management's response to veganuary is...
38:39We're bored to death of the knit-your-own-yoghurt brigade,
38:42banging on about how we should all go and live in a monastery
38:45and eat nuts and seeds.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:48Sorry, that was just me talking.
38:50Next, what in Market Town in Warwickshire
38:53described as vile and nauseating?
38:56Vegetarian restaurant.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:59Antiques Roadshow.
39:00Yes!
39:01LAUGHTER
39:02No, the answer is bright yellow public area.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:10Well, it sounds awful.
39:11Yeah, dreadful.
39:12Yeah.
39:13Locals now call the area painted yellow by the council custard corner.
39:17Here it is.
39:18Oh.
39:19Oh, no.
39:21Is that a lemon being squeezed in a hand on these...
39:24No, I don't think it's just why his trousers are hanging.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:32Next, at the Meat Management Awards,
39:36Al Turner was disappointed that what?
39:38Ah, that his sexual organs wouldn't fit into a BAP.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:45Two BAPs.
39:47Was disappointed that his wife came third.
39:50LAUGHTER
39:51No.
39:52He said his extra-long sausage was beaten by a man from Lincolnshire.
39:56LAUGHTER
39:57By three inches.
39:58His Boudin Blanc was underrated.
40:01LAUGHTER
40:04No.
40:05Er...
40:07He didn't go home with the award for Britain's Best Sausage.
40:10Oh.
40:11Well, I'm sorry for it. I feel sorry for it.
40:13Yeah.
40:14Yeah.
40:15Had he booked a special reserve seat on the train for it?
40:17Possibly.
40:19Erm...
40:20At sausage competitions, the sausages are lined up on a long table
40:24with the judges inspecting each one in turn.
40:26Do they taste them?
40:28I don't know.
40:29Well, they must do.
40:30What do you think they do?
40:31Well, it says inspect them.
40:32Oh, I see.
40:33They would at least lick them, I would think.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:37Now you're talking about that.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:40Finally, Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers, what?
40:44Seek similar.
40:45LAUGHTER
40:47Denies they are yellow.
40:48Arrested by police by shoving four kilos of birdseed in his pants.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:53I know this one.
40:54Oh, you know this one. Go on, then.
40:55Going cheap.
40:56Yes!
40:57LAUGHTER
40:58There we are.
41:00Nothing wrong with that.
41:02Finds cure for erectile dysfunction.
41:04Yeah.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:08Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers,
41:10sought by police for pet shop theft.
41:13LAUGHTER
41:14The pet shop owner said,
41:15we don't know whether they will survive being manhandled and shoved down someone's trousers.
41:20They will.
41:22LAUGHTER
41:24So, the final scores are Ian and Jemima have four and Paul and Julian have six.
41:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32APPLAUSE
41:37But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
41:41Well, clearly this is an identity parade.
41:44Disappointing cat fails to pick out man that kicked him up the arse.
41:48LAUGHTER
41:49I thought you deserved more than that, didn't you?
41:52Yeah.
41:53They're tired now.
41:54Yeah.
41:56LAUGHTER
41:58On which note, we say...
41:59Oh, hang on a minute.
42:00Hang on, I was going to say...
42:01He's got one, yeah.
42:02I was just waiting for a bit of quiet.
42:03Sorry.
42:05LAUGHTER
42:06I could have said it immediately after I said my one.
42:08LAUGHTER
42:11Sorry, have you got a bus to catch?
42:13Yeah.
42:14LAUGHTER
42:15Larry the Downing Street cat finds more caring owners.
42:21LAUGHTER
42:22On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
42:24and Jemima Kelly, Paul Merton and Julian Clary.
42:27And I leave you with news that, in Spaulding,
42:30organisers reveal the winner of the prestigious
42:32World's Most Judgmental Haystack Competition.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:38After being ejected from an exhibition of radical modern architecture,
42:41one irate visitor threatens to take on any of the security guys
42:44if they think they're hard enough.
42:48LAUGHTER
42:50And in Moscow, there's a dangerous moment for the soldier
42:52deciding the result of the Kremlin guard's sweepstake
42:54on the size of Vladimir Putin's bald spot.
42:58LAUGHTER
43:01Good night.
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