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00:00:00ITV, come on in.
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00:03:23Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I thought he was vacant.
00:03:30Oh, my God.
00:03:33I think I'd better go.
00:03:38How'd you do? How'd you do? Yes, my name's Theodore Valentine.
00:03:43Yes.
00:03:46You know when the flight's over, you must come and have tea with me.
00:03:49You'd love Mother. She'd love you.
00:03:52Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's... She's very...
00:03:56Mother makes me wear them, you know, the red house.
00:04:00Ooh! My... My glasses, my...
00:04:04Easy.
00:04:07Yes. Oh, Christ!
00:04:13Mummy!
00:04:22What is the purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom?
00:04:28I beg your pardon? I'm still deaf on the flying.
00:04:31We are having to be very careful who we are letting into this country, you know.
00:04:32How did you get in?
00:04:33Oh, blimey! I'm totally British.
00:04:34May I have the question again, please?
00:04:35What is the purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom?
00:04:37I beg your pardon? I'm still deaf on the flying.
00:04:38We are having to be very careful who we are letting into this country, you know.
00:04:40How did you get in?
00:04:41Oh, blimey! I'm totally British.
00:04:42May I have the question again, please?
00:04:43What is the purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom?
00:04:44To make the friends with the British?
00:04:45Is the purpose of your visit a business of pleasure?
00:04:47Pleasure. Definitely.
00:04:48Ah, then you are here as a tourist.
00:04:49I'm being reunited with my husband after a long separation.
00:04:52I'm still deaf on the line.
00:04:53I'm still deaf on the line.
00:04:54We are having to be very careful who we are letting into this country, you know.
00:04:56How did you get in?
00:04:57Oh, blimey! I'm totally British.
00:04:58May I have the question again, please?
00:04:59What is the purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom?
00:05:01To make some friends with the British.
00:05:04Is the purpose of your visit a business of pleasure?
00:05:06Pleasure. Definitely.
00:05:07Ah. Then you are here as a tourist.
00:05:09I'm being reunited with my husband after a long separation.
00:05:14What is your husband now?
00:05:17He's probably in the bath.
00:05:19No, no. I mean, is he already in the United Kingdom?
00:05:22Oh, yes. For a long time.
00:05:24And how long you intend to stay?
00:05:27With my husband?
00:05:28No. In our United Kingdom.
00:05:32Does it matter? I am an EEC citizen.
00:05:36What are you going to be doing here?
00:05:38A little bit of this, and a little bit of that.
00:05:42Oh, please. You must not be doing that.
00:05:45You are giving me naughty thoughts.
00:05:47Good.
00:05:49Will you be seeking employment?
00:05:51I hope not.
00:05:52What is your husband's occupation?
00:05:54I am.
00:05:55Oh, dearie me.
00:05:57How does he earn his living?
00:05:59Oh, oui. In the service of his country.
00:06:02Could you be more explicit, please?
00:06:04Oh, oui, monsieur. I can be very explicit.
00:06:08What is it?
00:06:09About your husband.
00:06:11He is a very, how you say, high up man.
00:06:16Is he important?
00:06:18Not impotent.
00:06:19He has other interests.
00:06:23What is his position?
00:06:25It varies.
00:06:26What is his profession or calling, please?
00:06:29He is ambassador.
00:06:31Oh, yes. I am definitely developing.
00:06:38My ribs are rippling.
00:06:40My pectons are positively popping.
00:06:44And my thorax is throbbing.
00:06:47Oh, oh.
00:06:49Oh, oh.
00:06:50I must get some stronger elastic.
00:06:52Oh, oh, oh.
00:07:22Can I help you?
00:07:25I am your mistress.
00:07:27Oh, my God!
00:07:31You should catch up with me one day.
00:07:32It's my own fault.
00:07:34Wait a minute.
00:07:35What am I talking about?
00:07:37I haven't got a mistress.
00:07:43I don't have a mistress.
00:07:44You have now.
00:07:45I repeat, how can I help you?
00:07:48Well, to begin with, you can tell the ambassador that his wife is here.
00:07:53Where?
00:07:54Here. I am here.
00:07:56Are you sure?
00:07:58I'm positive, I'm sure.
00:07:59I didn't know the ambassador had a wife.
00:08:02Now, you know.
00:08:05Madam.
00:08:10Emmanuel, no, what a wonderful surprise.
00:08:13I was not expecting you today.
00:08:15Otherwise, I would have been at the airport to meet you.
00:08:20You must forgive me.
00:08:22Masculine odour.
00:08:23I have been pumping iron.
00:08:26What is that?
00:08:26The weightlifting.
00:08:28Still the same.
00:08:30Athletic, Emile.
00:08:32We're a flabby ambassador.
00:08:34With a derriere in pleats.
00:08:35There's no advertisement for his country.
00:08:37But you, you, you haven't changed.
00:08:40I flew Concorde to surprise you.
00:08:43Oh, la belle Concorde.
00:08:45Oh, I love that long nose.
00:08:47So phallic.
00:08:48So franco-phallic.
00:08:50Oh, this reminds me.
00:08:52You have not met my wonderful English butler, Loins.
00:08:55Loins is my wife, Emmanuel.
00:08:56She has been traveling all around the world and other places.
00:09:00Cherie, Loins.
00:09:02His Excellency meant lions, madam.
00:09:05My name is Lyons.
00:09:08I prefer Loins.
00:09:12Likewise, madam.
00:09:14May I take your coat?
00:09:19Come.
00:09:20Now I will show you all over the house.
00:09:22And then you, you are knackered.
00:09:27Sacro bleu.
00:09:28I forgot I wasn't wearing a twaise.
00:09:40You're a naughty butler, Loins.
00:09:43Yeah.
00:09:44Yes, ma'am.
00:09:46Yes, I think that is my fault we hate.
00:09:48For the wife of a young person.
00:09:50Who was that, Lyons?
00:09:57That, Mrs. Dangle, is the new mistress.
00:10:00Oh, fancy.
00:10:02Things might start looking up.
00:10:04I shouldn't be at all surprised.
00:10:06Hey, who was that?
00:10:08Richmond, that was the new mistress.
00:10:11Fancy that.
00:10:13Things ought to start looking up.
00:10:20I have missed you, Emile.
00:10:27And I, you, my love.
00:10:30But don't forget our little arrangement still stands.
00:10:33As long as you don't object to my bodybuilding,
00:10:36I don't object to you finding your pleasures elsewhere.
00:10:39And what if I should seek my pleasures with you?
00:10:44Oh, no, I can't spare a drop of adrenaline.
00:10:47You must think of me as a last resort.
00:10:49Don't you want me just a little bit?
00:10:51Yes, just a little bit.
00:10:53Show me how good you are at weightlifting.
00:10:56Lift me over your shoulders and carry me over to the bed.
00:10:59Are you mad?
00:11:01I've not yet learned how to do a snatch and press.
00:11:04Oh, besides, I have a meeting with the foreign minister shortly.
00:11:09And I have a meeting with the ambassador now.
00:11:11I have an appointment.
00:11:13We haven't made love since Paris before you were posted here.
00:11:17Oh, surely it's not that long.
00:11:20It's long enough.
00:11:21Oh.
00:11:22Come, bury your head in my bosom.
00:11:24No, no, I should have to keep coming up for air.
00:11:27Oh, I am in a mood for playing games.
00:11:30What do I bet mean to knock you?
00:11:32Bowls.
00:11:33Bowls?
00:11:33Yes, bowls.
00:11:34The English are mad about bowls.
00:11:36Tennis bowl, volleyball, football, all kinds of...
00:11:39Excuse me, sir.
00:11:41I hope I'm not intruding.
00:11:43No, no, no.
00:11:44We were just discussing bowls.
00:11:47Bowls?
00:11:48I was having a work-up.
00:11:49I mean, I was getting worked out.
00:11:51I'm having a work-out.
00:11:53Yes, will there be only 14 guests for dinner this evening, sir?
00:11:56Uh, 14, yes, that is correct.
00:11:59Then I shall inform Mrs. Dangle.
00:12:03Come and lie with me, indeed.
00:12:05No, I must finish my exercises.
00:12:09I can give you much nicer exercises.
00:12:12No.
00:12:18I am all hooked for you.
00:12:20We'll have a cold shower.
00:12:21That's what you said last time, and look what happened.
00:12:23Oh, yes, I couldn't find this topcock.
00:12:26No, I caught you.
00:12:28Oh, it's you.
00:12:31It is not nice to peep through keyholes.
00:12:34Sorry.
00:12:37You are very rude.
00:12:39Gordon Bennett, they're having a phonographic orgy.
00:12:43Now, lift up your arms.
00:12:45What for?
00:12:46But I don't understand why should I lift the...
00:12:48Oh, there.
00:12:50That didn't hurt, did it?
00:12:51No, no.
00:12:52Oh, don't be shy, chérie.
00:12:54I'm not shy.
00:12:55I'm circumspect.
00:12:56Come on, make a mail of it.
00:12:58It's my turn.
00:13:00Yes, but you are trembling.
00:13:01Yes, of course.
00:13:02I'm cold.
00:13:03I won't warm you up.
00:13:04Oh, but why me?
00:13:05You can have Tom, Dick, or Harry.
00:13:07I don't want Tom, Harry.
00:13:10She's got him in a leg lock.
00:13:13Well, I used to do that when Henry was alive.
00:13:16I'm sure he didn't do it after he was dead.
00:13:19Here.
00:13:20What's he doing?
00:13:22Heavy breathing.
00:13:24Oh, Richmond.
00:13:25Yes.
00:13:25I think you should have a look at this.
00:13:27Do you think he ought to at his age?
00:13:29It might jog his memory.
00:13:31Here.
00:13:31What am I going to see?
00:13:32Well, it certainly won't be the Muppet Show.
00:13:35Is it, uh, is it Starsky enough?
00:13:37If you ask me, it's more like Starkers and Crutch.
00:13:40Hello, hello, hello.
00:13:53What's all this thing?
00:13:54It's what the butler saw.
00:13:55Here, here.
00:13:57Right there.
00:13:57What?
00:13:59Here, hold me out.
00:14:01Come on, get out.
00:14:02Oh, come on, boy.
00:14:03Son of a...
00:14:04No, no, I don't like...
00:14:06Me, I am a woman.
00:14:07Yes, so I've noticed.
00:14:09I am your wife.
00:14:10You should not hide anything from me.
00:14:11There's not much to hide.
00:14:13Snow White meets the incredible shrink in Maine.
00:14:17I will make you love me if it's the last thing I do.
00:14:24I think she's knackered him.
00:14:26Come on, back on her job.
00:14:27Get off!
00:14:28What is the matter?
00:14:29You've broken it.
00:14:31Oh, la, la.
00:14:32Turn over and let me have a look.
00:14:33No, no, not that.
00:14:34My back.
00:14:35I can't move.
00:14:37It's probably just crime.
00:14:38No, no.
00:14:39Oh, I'm in agony.
00:14:41Straighten your legs.
00:14:42I can't straighten anything.
00:14:44I'm completely bent.
00:14:46Bend back your toes.
00:14:47I can't.
00:14:49Panic.
00:14:49I can't panic either.
00:14:51Just life still.
00:14:52What else do you think I'm doing, you stupid great fool?
00:14:55I give up.
00:14:56I'm going to get changed and I'm going out.
00:14:58What for?
00:14:59Our lady to drive me around London.
00:15:01But what about me?
00:15:03Don't worry, my dear.
00:15:04I'm sure you'll soon be feeling yourself again.
00:15:06Oh, that's you, Theodore.
00:15:21Who are you expecting?
00:15:23General Armeen.
00:15:24I've warmed your slippers.
00:15:25They're in the oven.
00:15:26Oh, thank you.
00:15:29Oh!
00:15:30God!
00:15:31Warm them.
00:15:32You've roasted them.
00:15:34Oh, Mother.
00:15:34I do wish you wouldn't fuss over me so.
00:15:37No trouble at all.
00:15:39I do it for your arthritis.
00:15:40I've never had arthritis.
00:15:42Well, there you are.
00:15:43It works.
00:15:44Have you had your vitamin C tablet this morning?
00:15:47Yes, Mother.
00:15:47And your vitamin B tablet?
00:15:49Yes, Mother.
00:15:50And your halibut oil capsule?
00:15:52Yes, Mother.
00:15:53I've had so many pills, I'll soon need a stomach pump.
00:15:56Prevention is better than cure.
00:15:58Dr Jones said to me,
00:16:00Mrs Valentine,
00:16:02your son, Theodore, is very delicate.
00:16:06With respect, Mother.
00:16:06When he said it, I was six months old.
00:16:08You're a very clever doctor, Dr Jones.
00:16:10If you were at death's door,
00:16:13he'd pull you through.
00:16:14That's what I'm afraid of.
00:16:17Theodore,
00:16:18you're sickening for something.
00:16:21Mother,
00:16:22come and sit down.
00:16:23I want to talk to you.
00:16:25You are.
00:16:28Now then,
00:16:30what shall we talk about?
00:16:32Mother,
00:16:33I've met someone that's very dear to me.
00:16:36Was it your Auntie Hilda, dear?
00:16:38No, Mother.
00:16:38I've met this girl.
00:16:41This wonderful girl.
00:16:43Don't be silly.
00:16:44There's no such thing.
00:16:45I think I'm in love.
00:16:46Oh, nonsense.
00:16:47You're far too young.
00:16:49I'm 34 and a half.
00:16:51You've got your whole life in front of you.
00:16:53You don't want to fritter it away
00:16:55on some slip of a girl.
00:16:57But Mother,
00:16:58she's exquisite.
00:16:59I know you'd like her.
00:17:02I wouldn't count on it, dear.
00:17:04I'm going to marry her.
00:17:06Nonsense.
00:17:07I'll never give you my permission.
00:17:09I don't need your permission, Mother.
00:17:12You're just like your father.
00:17:13He went off with some slip of a girl
00:17:15and he never got my permission either.
00:17:18This your first time in London, is it?
00:17:46Eh?
00:17:47Well, keep your ears peeled,
00:17:48because little old Leyland here
00:17:50is going to give you the grand tour.
00:17:51Aye, yes, indeedy.
00:17:52And why not?
00:17:53After all,
00:17:54I've lived here all my life,
00:17:56even before I was born.
00:17:58And believe me,
00:17:59no one knows better than I do.
00:18:01This is the greatest city in the world.
00:18:04If you're feeling lonely,
00:18:05why don't you come up here, eh?
00:18:08Huh?
00:18:09Oh, well, Dank and Paul Street.
00:18:11Now, up here, you see,
00:18:14is Oxford Street.
00:18:24That's where all the tourists come to do the shoplifting.
00:18:27Oh, crikey.
00:18:28Laugh a minute Leyland, they call me,
00:18:30up the mall.
00:18:32Look, love,
00:18:32you can see a lot better from up here.
00:18:33Oh, well, perhaps I should put it on automatic pilot
00:18:40and come back here with you.
00:18:42Because I'm driving you now, you know,
00:18:44in a Daimler pervertible.
00:18:47The hood doesn't go down,
00:18:48but the chauffeur does.
00:18:49Well, we're, uh,
00:18:58heading for Downey Street now,
00:18:59number 10.
00:19:01You've heard of that, eh?
00:19:03Because not many people know
00:19:04that, uh,
00:19:05number 12 Downey Street
00:19:06is the office of the government whips.
00:19:09If you like that sort of thing.
00:19:13I'm feeling very hot.
00:19:15Yeah.
00:19:16I'm getting a bit warm myself.
00:19:17Ah, no, there's a site to warm the cockles.
00:19:22Trafalgar Square.
00:19:23And there it is,
00:19:24an inspiration to mankind.
00:19:28Nelson's Column.
00:19:31Lady Hamilton had it built to remember him by.
00:19:35Mind you,
00:19:36with a column like that,
00:19:38how could she forget him?
00:19:47It never fails.
00:19:54Next time round,
00:19:55I think I'll start here.
00:19:56Thank you, Lady Hamilton.
00:20:00I want to see the guards getting changed.
00:20:02The End
00:20:14they are very sexy these guys when they get a butcher's at you love you'd better be on guard
00:20:44what is the matter with them they never even looked at me well they're not allowed to not on duty do you
00:20:51know you could strip off in front of one of them guards and he wouldn't bat an eyelid we shall see
00:20:58about that drive me to st. James's Palace Leyland
00:21:02the woman is love crazy she's loving all night the woman is love crazy won't stop for a bite the woman is love crazy she's out of love
00:21:14sometimes it gets so hard I just don't want to hold home if the feeling ever takes her she don't care where we are
00:21:21it's good loving in the disco it's good loving in the car but if I don't keep her happy she would leave me she would
00:21:28so I got to hang on in there
00:21:35if it can't be it's good
00:21:39the woman is love crazy she's loving all night the woman is love crazy
00:21:43But if I don't keep her happy, she would leave me, she would
00:21:47So I got to hang on in there, if it can be a good
00:21:52The woman who's love-raising, she's loving all night
00:21:55The woman who's love-raising, won't stop her inviting
00:22:00The woman who's love-raising, she's out on the road
00:22:04Sometimes I work so hard, I wish she'd leave
00:22:07The woman who's love-raising, she's loving all night
00:22:12The woman who's love-raising, won't stop her inviting
00:22:16The woman who's love-raising, she's out on the road
00:22:20Hello there, ducky
00:22:34Emmanuel, I hope you're going to wear something under that dress
00:22:49Oh yes, Chanel No. 5
00:22:52No, no, tonight you must be respectable, you must be on your best behaviour
00:22:56Everything you say and do will reflect on our beloved Republic
00:23:01But this is the latest from Paris, it shows style
00:23:04It shows more than that, it shows everything you've got
00:23:06Well, almost everything
00:23:08What is so terrible about that?
00:23:09It's not nice, how would you like it if men were to walk about in see-through trousers?
00:23:15I would like this very much
00:23:16There is nothing wrong with a human body
00:23:18There is no need to flash it all over the place
00:23:21I think we should all go around without any clothes on
00:23:24We'd all be much healthier
00:23:25We'd all be in bed with the flu
00:23:26Nudity is perfectly natural
00:23:28No, no, even Adam and Eve had a fig leaf
00:23:31Besides, you must rest in a way that is befitting for the wife of an ambassador
00:23:35Especially in view of our distinguished guests
00:23:39The Prime Minister
00:23:41The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police
00:23:45The Ambassador for the United States of America
00:23:50Field Marshal Hume, Chief of Staff
00:23:54The Arabian Ambassador
00:23:58The Lord Chief Justice of the Appeals Court
00:24:03And Master of the Rolls
00:24:05Admiral Sojourn Hardenough
00:24:07Not mention all their distinguished wives
00:24:11How do you do?
00:24:13Not very often, I'm afraid
00:24:14Too much bench, not enough wench
00:24:17I will say my wife is a better diplomat than I am
00:24:24Yes, I have it off with everybody
00:24:27Heat, heat it off
00:24:31She means she heat it off with everybody
00:24:34And what were you doing in the Far East, my dear?
00:24:39Nothing much, sleeping around mostly
00:24:41She means sleeping around in many parts of the world
00:24:46Has it ever occurred to you, my dear, how easy it would be at an occasion such as this
00:24:54To assassinate your husband?
00:24:57Assassinate my husband?
00:25:00Who would want to do that?
00:25:01It's not the motive that would concern me, but the method
00:25:03But how could anyone do such a thing?
00:25:08Here, at the table
00:25:09Easily
00:25:10A weapon could be concealed in a man's belt
00:25:12Or in a holster strapped to his leg
00:25:15A lady could have a gun under her skirt
00:25:17Merde
00:25:19Assassinate my husband
00:25:23That is not appropriate
00:25:25Oh, I dropped my earring
00:25:32Oh, may I help, my dear?
00:25:33No
00:25:34Oh, no, no
00:25:35It's okay
00:25:35I can manage
00:25:37Thank you
00:25:39The cost of living must be brought down
00:25:51Oh, I agree
00:25:52Everything's going up these days
00:25:55I'm so right
00:25:59The wheel has, uh, turned full circle in my country
00:26:05Now there's a, uh, definite trend towards the swing against the backlash
00:26:10Thank you
00:26:21I didn't say anything
00:26:23In my country
00:26:26It is the duty of women
00:26:28To give pleasure to men
00:26:31I'm glad you agree
00:26:38Tell me, uh, admiral
00:26:51How do you enjoy the navi?
00:26:54Frankly, I can't stand the sea
00:26:55It makes me bloody sick
00:26:57Anything wrong?
00:27:17On the contrary
00:27:19My goodness, what are you doing here?
00:27:34I'm looking for a weapon
00:27:36Oh, you won't find one here
00:27:38I'm trying to protect you
00:27:39Protect me!
00:27:40After that
00:27:52I decided to get to know my husband's friends a little
00:27:55How you might say
00:27:57Better
00:27:58How you doing here to ask me
00:28:15I'll give you the air
00:29:15I was satisfied.
00:29:36None of them had a weapon to worry about.
00:29:40Do these have arrived for you, madam?
00:29:56Oh, they're lovely.
00:29:57They most certainly are, madam.
00:30:04To my darling, adorable Emmanuel, with all my love, Theodore.
00:30:12I don't know.
00:30:13Oh, well.
00:30:14I always forget their names long before I forget the important things.
00:30:30Tell me, Lawrence, do you, uh, believe in free love?
00:30:38Anything free appeals to me, madam.
00:30:41And do I appeal to you?
00:30:45Yes, madam.
00:30:48Oh, Lawrence, you English are so frigid.
00:30:52Perhaps not so.
00:30:54After all, they do say the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
00:30:58In the eating?
00:31:01Yes, madam.
00:31:02Are you Andre Lines?
00:31:07I think I could manage a little nibble.
00:31:13Coffee?
00:31:14Pardon?
00:31:15You for coffee?
00:31:16No, thanks.
00:31:17I'm staying here.
00:31:18I'd like some coffee.
00:31:19Yeah.
00:31:20He's in a world of his own, you know.
00:31:22He hasn't been the same since he looked through that keyhole.
00:31:25I think it's disgusting.
00:31:27What?
00:31:28Having it off?
00:31:28Oh, don't be so crude.
00:31:30You men are all the same.
00:31:32Sex mad.
00:31:32Yeah, I'm proud of it.
00:31:34Hey, Richmond?
00:31:35Pardon?
00:31:36Sex.
00:31:36No, thanks.
00:31:37I'd rather have some coffee.
00:31:39Ah, coffee.
00:31:40Oh, here we are.
00:31:42Here.
00:31:43Me and Mrs. Dangle, we've just been talking about having it off.
00:31:47Rather you than me.
00:31:48No, not together, you burke.
00:31:50You've been a long time just taking up a bunch of flowers.
00:31:54What have you been up to?
00:31:56Er, nothing at all, really.
00:31:57Just a little intelligent conversation.
00:32:00Lawrence, you've forgotten these.
00:32:01Oh, you randy old retainer.
00:32:05Could I have a cup of coffee?
00:32:06You can have anything you want, madam.
00:32:12Aye, aye.
00:32:13You've stopped me.
00:32:14It's motor running.
00:32:16Steady old Richmond.
00:32:20It's not proper you being down here below stairs.
00:32:23Why not?
00:32:23We are all human beings.
00:32:25There should be no class distinction.
00:32:27I believe in brotherly love.
00:32:29Here, that's incest.
00:32:31Love is the most important thing in the world.
00:32:34Not to me, it isn't.
00:32:35That's because you've forgotten what it's like to be loved by a man.
00:32:39To feel the warmth of his body next to yours.
00:32:43To feel his hot kisses on your lips.
00:32:46He, he, he, he, he, you started him off again.
00:32:50We'll have to start putting bromide in his coffee.
00:32:54Making love is wonderful.
00:32:57You cannot be angry when you're making love.
00:33:00Look, can't we talk about something else?
00:33:02Oh, no, it's good to talk about it.
00:33:04It's important to get things off your breast.
00:33:06Now, I will tell you what we are going to do.
00:33:11We will all describe our most unusual, amorous experience.
00:33:17I couldn't possibly do that.
00:33:18Oh, yes, you can.
00:33:19It will release your repressions.
00:33:21Who is going first?
00:33:23Oh, I'll go first.
00:33:25Very well, then, Leyland, you have the floor.
00:33:29Face down, I hope.
00:33:31My most unusual experience occurred one warm balmy evening last spring,
00:33:37when this young man's fancy likely turned to force a lust.
00:33:41Oh, you fancy young men, do you?
00:33:44Mrs. Dangle.
00:33:45Feeling in the need of company,
00:33:49I transported myself to me favourite pub,
00:33:51the Tit and Sparrow, up Camden Passage.
00:33:55It took me but a point
00:33:57to make contact with the beautiest cheggy of the female gender,
00:34:02what would turn any civilised man into a beast.
00:34:06Despite my natural shy reluctance,
00:34:10she was insistent to the point of desperation.
00:34:15She'd whisk me off to her luxury flat in Mayfair.
00:34:25Where to say her intentions were dishonourable
00:34:28would be an understatement.
00:34:30No sooner did we reach her lavishly furnished penthouse,
00:34:35with the chandelier poised gracefully over the nuptial gudge.
00:34:41And she removes my garmentation in a flash.
00:34:45No sooner did we reach her to the left side.
00:35:05Wisks me between the sheets.
00:35:07I was about to satisfy herself
00:35:09for more irresistible bestial than let he win.
00:35:11Ah! Oh! Me husband!
00:35:14Her husband.
00:35:39I shan't tell you exactly what happened when she joined me in the closet.
00:36:00The details are too pornographic even for you lot.
00:36:05Suffice to say that despite the cramped confines,
00:36:09we achieve mutual satisfaction.
00:36:24Oh! Me hangers!
00:36:29It seems the lady had an unusual hang-up.
00:36:32She could only make love in a closet.
00:36:35Standing up.
00:36:36She always arranged it that way.
00:36:38I found out later she was known locally as the closet queen of Camden Town.
00:36:43Richmond?
00:36:43Yeah?
00:36:43You can go next.
00:36:44Oh, thanks.
00:36:45No, no.
00:36:46After all, he never gets a word in edgewise.
00:36:49He'd be lucky to get anything in, edgewise or otherwise, if you ask me.
00:36:52We didn't.
00:36:54Richmond?
00:36:55Yeah.
00:36:55I'm not sure that I can remember all the details.
00:37:00Oh, come on.
00:37:02Tell us your most amorous escapade.
00:37:05It's that far back.
00:37:06He won't remember.
00:37:07Oh, yes, I do.
00:37:10It was during the war when I was in the army.
00:37:13Oh, those were dark days.
00:37:18He never knew which minute was going to be the last.
00:37:23To live dangerously.
00:37:29Make every moment count.
00:37:30I went to France to fight the enemy.
00:37:48Ah!
00:37:49I surrender!
00:37:49Oh, it's never like us in Puddy.
00:38:04Oh!
00:38:05Oh, what the hell?
00:38:06Oh, I surrender again!
00:38:08Oh!
00:38:09Oh!
00:38:13Shh!
00:38:14Come on.
00:38:19Hams hoch!
00:38:27Is the name of Reich?
00:38:29Not you, Fräulein.
00:38:31The British soldier!
00:38:33Kurt!
00:38:34Take the prisoner away!
00:38:45Now, Fräulein.
00:38:46You are quite safe.
00:38:48Oh, thank you.
00:38:50You are a fine-looking woman.
00:38:52Oh, naughty, naughty.
00:38:53I like you.
00:38:54Oh, cheeky.
00:38:55I am going to have you.
00:38:57No, no, no.
00:38:58Yes, I am.
00:38:59I need to caress the beautiful woman.
00:39:02You never get a hell of a shock if you do.
00:39:04Come, I want to have you.
00:39:10God in him!
00:39:10Yes, my daughter.
00:39:24Oh, yes, my daughter.
00:39:29The shepherds are after me, father.
00:39:30Oh, dear.
00:39:31Oh, don't worry, my child.
00:39:33You can stick here for as long as you like.
00:39:35Yes, but where will I sleep?
00:39:36Oh, I'm sure my niece won't mind you sharing her bedroom.
00:39:39Your niece...
00:39:39No, it's impossible.
00:39:43What's this?
00:39:44Come along, my child.
00:39:48What I am about to receive.
00:39:51Thanks.
00:39:55And I stayed there till 1953.
00:39:59Just a minute.
00:40:01The war ended in 1945.
00:40:04I was in no hurry.
00:40:06Lyons, now it's your turn.
00:40:11Well, my most unusual Amherst experience, believe it or not, took place at the London Zoo.
00:40:17Went to see his relatives.
00:40:21Come on, Lyons, tell us about the zoo.
00:40:24Well, it was a lovely day.
00:40:32And all around me there was evidence that spring was in the air.
00:40:36You're welcome, you're welcome.
00:40:37I'm going to see your people.
00:40:37We're here.
00:40:38We're here.
00:40:39Come on, you're welcome.
00:40:41Now, I'm going to be aware of this story.
00:40:41We're here.
00:40:42And we're here.
00:40:43You're welcome.
00:40:43I'm looking for this.
00:40:44You're welcome.
00:40:44I love you.
00:40:45I'm looking for this.
00:40:46I love you.
00:40:47I love you.
00:40:48I love you.
00:40:53I love you.
00:40:54Oh, my God.
00:41:24What's the matter?
00:41:40Oh, my dear, darling.
00:41:48Send me out!
00:41:54Oh!
00:41:56Oh!
00:41:58Oh!
00:41:59Oh!
00:42:00I don't know.
00:42:30Did you get anything? Pneumonia.
00:42:35Mrs. Dangle, your turn.
00:42:38Very well. I shall reveal everything.
00:42:42Well, if you've got a strip, I'm going.
00:42:43Sit down.
00:42:45My most unusual experience happened in a laundrette.
00:42:51As anyone knows, laundrettes are better than pubs if you're after a pickup.
00:42:55I didn't know that.
00:42:56If you ever get around to washing your clothes, you'll find out.
00:43:00Now, this particular day, the place was full.
00:43:05Unattached people.
00:43:08Of course, you get all types in there.
00:43:10But then I prefer all types to other types.
00:43:14Through long experience,
00:43:16and if there's one thing I've had more than anything else, it's experience.
00:43:19All you do, if you're on the make, is you say something like,
00:43:24Excuse me, dear, can I borrow some of your suds?
00:43:32And if that doesn't work, you say,
00:43:34My, but you've got some saucy underpants.
00:43:37But despite my unusual attractiveness and highly reclaimed sex appeal,
00:43:45that day didn't get off to a very promising start.
00:43:49But sometimes, when you least expect it,
00:43:54you see a stranger
00:43:56across a crowded laundrette.
00:44:00The End
00:45:13Yes, I knew.
00:45:17But he...
00:45:20was the one.
00:45:43Thank you, Mrs. Dangle, for a most unbelievable experience.
00:46:03And now I think it's time for you, madam.
00:46:05Here, Ria.
00:46:06Here, here.
00:46:08Well, I fear, in comparison, one may seem rather dull.
00:46:12I really don't have your imagination.
00:46:15Why, don't you believe it, darling?
00:46:17One day, they'll be queuing up for the film rights of yours.
00:46:20Well, all right.
00:46:23My most unusual, amorous affair, you may find it hard to believe, was with my husband.
00:46:30He has not always been the man, you know.
00:46:34Not very long ago, he was one of the dashing young sons of La Belle France,
00:46:38with an appetite for the exotic amour, almost equal to my own.
00:46:42We made love in wild, crazy places, beautifully, elementally, in the air.
00:46:52It was all so wonderful, so dangerous.
00:47:07Oh, my God.
00:47:37Hemingway said, to make love beautifully, is to die a little each time.
00:47:42Unfortunately, Emile very soon saw the point.
00:48:04Poor Emile.
00:48:05But now, I think we all understand the master's shortcomings.
00:48:10The woman in love, crazy, she's loving all night.
00:48:30The woman in love, crazy, won't stop for a fight.
00:48:34The woman in love, crazy, she's loving all night.
00:48:38The woman in love, crazy, won't stop for a fight, I wish she knew you'd love all night.
00:48:43Pardon me, madam.
00:48:44There's a young man who wishes to see you.
00:48:46Does he have a name?
00:48:48I believe he said Theodore Valentine.
00:48:51Oh, yes.
00:48:52I remember him.
00:48:53He's the one I don't remember.
00:48:56Quite, madam.
00:48:57Oh, well.
00:48:58Better keep him waiting a moment while I make myself respectable.
00:49:02There, that should do you know.
00:49:13I do wish you wouldn't lie about in this abandoned fashion.
00:49:19It's not good for the servants to see you, topless.
00:49:23I've had no complaints.
00:49:24Oh, you are bold.
00:49:26I have never seen anyone so bold.
00:49:29Why don't you stay here?
00:49:31And we can be bold together.
00:49:33No, I haven't time.
00:49:34I have a meeting with the Minister of Foreign Affairs.
00:49:37Oh, him?
00:49:38He doesn't have any affairs.
00:49:40That's his problem.
00:49:41Unlike you, I don't judge everybody by the amount of dilly-dallying they get up to.
00:49:45You're always too busy to do the things I like.
00:49:48I'm sure you don't need me to help you to do the things you like.
00:49:52I like doing the things I like with you, as well as with others I like.
00:49:56Sooner or later, Emmanuel, you are going to ruin our marriage
00:49:58if you insist on trying to drag me into your silly amours.
00:50:03And for goodness sake, cover yourself up.
00:50:05Tell her to cover herself up.
00:50:15Emmanuel.
00:50:23Oui, monsieur.
00:50:25It's me, Theodore.
00:50:29Don't you remember me?
00:50:31No.
00:50:32But you haven't looked at me yet.
00:50:34I don't recognise your voice.
00:50:35Look at me!
00:50:40Well?
00:50:42You look familiar.
00:50:43The Concorde.
00:50:45Oh, oui.
00:50:46Oh, yes.
00:50:48That was very funny.
00:50:50I didn't think so.
00:50:52Didn't you?
00:50:53Well, I mean, wasn't it good?
00:50:56Well, it was...
00:50:58...different.
00:51:02Didn't it mean anything to you?
00:51:04Oh, yes.
00:51:05I will always fly Concorde in future.
00:51:07Oh, since a wonderful night.
00:51:09I haven't slept or eaten.
00:51:11Or even cleaned my teeth.
00:51:12Well, you don't need to clean your teeth if you haven't eaten.
00:51:16I have fallen in love.
00:51:18Oh, you poor boy.
00:51:20Who is?
00:51:20Who do you think?
00:51:21Is it anyone I know?
00:51:23It's you, of course.
00:51:26I say, I've never felt like this about anyone before.
00:51:29Not even...
00:51:30Not even my own mother.
00:51:35Emmanuel, I want to marry you.
00:51:37Oh, I'm done.
00:51:39Shower time.
00:51:39Oh, no.
00:51:40Oh, no.
00:51:48You may act down, Monsieur Concorde.
00:51:58Oh.
00:51:59Did you hear what I said?
00:52:04I want to marry you.
00:52:06If you want to marry me, you will have to ask my husband.
00:52:09But I don't want to marry a husband.
00:52:11I should hope not.
00:52:12Do you love him?
00:52:14Sometimes.
00:52:14You don't, so I'm sure.
00:52:16Oh, yes.
00:52:16I'm sure I love him sometimes.
00:52:19Well, will you be prepared to leave him for me?
00:52:21Certainly not.
00:52:22Not for you or anyone.
00:52:24Why did you give yourself to me like that in the Concorde?
00:52:26You mustn't think that because I made love to you in the Concorde
00:52:29that you are entitled to any landing, right?
00:52:32I think I'd better go.
00:52:33Oh, you can stay if you wish.
00:52:35I have a free morning.
00:52:38My towel, please.
00:52:39Now, look, I shall never make love to you again
00:52:54until you promise your undying love for me.
00:52:57I wouldn't be too sure about that.
00:52:59Oh, you can't tempt me again.
00:53:02No.
00:53:03Oh, keep away from me.
00:53:05You said you'll love him.
00:53:06Yes, but I do.
00:53:08Show me.
00:53:09Oh, Teodor.
00:53:14Oh, Teodor.
00:53:16You have wet yourself.
00:53:18There we are, darling, all tucked in, nice and thin.
00:53:22Night-night.
00:53:23Night-night, Mummy.
00:53:24What are we going to dream about tonight, darling?
00:53:28Not her.
00:53:29Why not?
00:53:31But she'll only bring you trouble.
00:53:33Yes.
00:53:34You dreamt about her before?
00:53:35Yes, often.
00:53:37Night and day.
00:53:37Oh, you are in a state.
00:53:40I dreamt about her last night.
00:53:41Did you?
00:53:42No, she wouldn't let me.
00:53:45I must ring Dr. Jones.
00:53:47What can he do?
00:53:49Well, he can give you an injection or something.
00:53:52What for?
00:53:52For whatever you've got.
00:53:54I like what I've got.
00:53:56Well, I don't.
00:53:57I'm going to do something about it.
00:53:59Night-night, darling.
00:54:03Now it's time for your afternoon bodybuilding session with Harry Hernier.
00:54:16Now, this afternoon, I'm going to show you how to build up your stomach muscle.
00:54:30I don't think I've got any.
00:54:32Are you ready?
00:54:33I'm all yours, Harry.
00:54:40Do that again.
00:54:41So is he.
00:54:43Listen.
00:54:43Now, let's all lie down on the floor.
00:54:46Oh, here you are.
00:54:48Now, rise your legs in the air.
00:54:51Oh, nice.
00:54:53What has he got in there?
00:54:55I don't know.
00:54:56I can't see.
00:54:56Oh!
00:54:57Oh, come on.
00:55:01Lone.
00:55:02Hi.
00:55:03What are you doing?
00:55:04Oh, I was just tying my shoelace, madam.
00:55:08Yes, and I was helping him.
00:55:11But Lone, your shoes have no laces.
00:55:14Oh, I...
00:55:16Quite.
00:55:19Yes, madam.
00:55:23I'm back.
00:55:24Ah, yes, dear.
00:55:28It's warm out.
00:55:29Mm.
00:55:32You don't care what I do.
00:55:34Mm.
00:55:35Today...
00:55:37Today, I made love to 14 soldiers, 21 sailors, and 16 airmen.
00:55:45The prime minister announced that the morale of the defense forces has never been higher.
00:55:51What you say?
00:55:53Nothing.
00:55:58Why wouldn't you develop like that?
00:55:59Oh, they will, eventually.
00:56:02You'll never match that gorgeous, hon.
00:56:04Ah, don't expect to match him.
00:56:06That's Harry Hernia.
00:56:08He has the most highly developed erectus femurus in the whole of Britain.
00:56:13Has he?
00:56:14Bye-bye this afternoon.
00:56:20And don't forget your exercises.
00:56:24Tonight, I'm going to proclaim him Mr. Super Muscle.
00:56:30Do you know him?
00:56:31Of course.
00:56:33Yes, I have lessons from him in pumping iron.
00:56:36I think I would like to meet him.
00:56:39Whatever for.
00:56:41Bodybuilding?
00:56:41Where do you sleep?
00:56:58On the mat.
00:57:02Where do you sit?
00:57:02Ah, sitting's bad for the posture.
00:57:05You either stand, squat, or lie down.
00:57:07Mind if I squat?
00:57:08Surely.
00:57:11Want something?
00:57:12Depends what you have in mind.
00:57:15Drink, maybe?
00:57:17Maybe.
00:57:17Ah, okay.
00:57:23Oxo or Barbara?
00:57:24Don't you have something else?
00:57:26Sure.
00:57:27How about a glass of milk?
00:57:29No, thank you.
00:57:43What do you want to do?
00:57:46Depends what you, uh...
00:57:47I've been mind.
00:57:48A workout, maybe?
00:57:50A workout?
00:57:51Sure.
00:57:52What do you want me to do first?
00:57:54Now, come on, lady.
00:57:55Let's take your clothes off.
00:58:00Oh, can you help me with the zip?
00:58:03Why, sure.
00:58:05Now, let me get my things off.
00:58:08Can I help you?
00:58:11I can manage.
00:58:13Now, take a look at this.
00:58:15It's a beaut, eh?
00:58:17What do you think of that?
00:58:19Uncroyable.
00:58:21I've never seen anything that big.
00:58:26Now, let's have a look at you.
00:58:27Well, what's the verdict?
00:58:36You definitely need more exercises.
00:58:39How about making love?
00:58:41Very good exercise.
00:58:43Builds up your lumbar
00:58:44and your rectus abdominis.
00:58:47Yeah, but it's off my training program at the moment.
00:58:49Oh, that's a pity.
00:58:50Sorry, darling.
00:58:51It's the Mr. Muscles contest
00:58:52and I want to win that title again before I retire.
00:58:55That'll make it a hat trick.
00:58:57I'm determined to go out with a bang.
00:59:01That's exactly what I had in mind.
00:59:06Ambassador's resident?
00:59:09I'm sure that madam is asleep right now.
00:59:13Very well, sir.
00:59:14Are you sure it's urgent?
00:59:17Yes, sir.
00:59:18Just hold on one more, please.
00:59:19Madam.
00:59:43Madam.
00:59:44Madam.
00:59:49Wake up, madam.
00:59:53There is a call for you.
00:59:57Madam, wake up, please.
00:59:58He says it's urgent.
00:59:59Who is that?
01:00:02Oh, Loins.
01:00:05What is it?
01:00:07A phone call.
01:00:08I believe it's a gentleman friend.
01:00:11Tell him I'm out.
01:00:13He already knows that you're in, madam.
01:00:16Take a message.
01:00:17I did.
01:00:18What was it?
01:00:20He says that he wants to speak to you.
01:00:25Hello.
01:00:27Who is this?
01:00:29It's me.
01:00:30Theodore.
01:00:31Are you alone?
01:00:32I'm in bed.
01:00:34Yes, but are you alone?
01:00:35What do you want?
01:00:37I had to ring you.
01:00:38Why?
01:00:39Because I want to tell you that I love you.
01:00:42You love me?
01:00:44Oh, Loins.
01:00:46Pardon?
01:00:46What did you say?
01:00:47Oh, nothing.
01:00:48I love you.
01:00:50Theodore, you don't fall in love with someone like me.
01:00:53Why not?
01:00:55It's out of character.
01:00:57Oh, oh.
01:00:59Oh, Loins.
01:01:01Loins?
01:01:02You called me Loins.
01:01:03I didn't call you Loins.
01:01:04I called Loins, Loins.
01:01:07Is Loins, is Lyons in bed with you?
01:01:10Oh, no.
01:01:11He's just a butler.
01:01:12Don't be silly.
01:01:13He brought me a cup of tea.
01:01:16Emmanuel, I want you to promise me to give up all those men and come and live with me.
01:01:20And mother.
01:01:22And mother.
01:01:22He wants me to promise to give up all those other men and come and live with him.
01:01:29And mother.
01:01:33I don't think that's a very good idea.
01:01:36Why not?
01:01:37I'm happy where I am.
01:01:39How can you say that?
01:01:42Nobody loves you like I do.
01:01:43You're not in a position to refuse.
01:01:46I'm in a position to do anything I want.
01:01:49If you don't do what I ask, I should be forced to do something drastic.
01:01:56Now you're laughing at me again.
01:01:59Goodbye, Theodore.
01:02:01Don't call us.
01:02:03We'll call you.
01:02:07Oh, come on, Loins.
01:02:09It's time to get up.
01:02:10There you are, madam.
01:02:13Emmanuel, come along.
01:02:20You know that...
01:02:21Emmanuel, what on earth are you wearing?
01:02:23You're the one who's always complaining about me walking around uncovered.
01:02:28I was hoping you would be ready.
01:02:30I am, Charest.
01:02:32I'm always ready.
01:02:34Let's go into the library.
01:02:35I cannot go into the library to read books.
01:02:38Neither do I.
01:02:39We're supposed to be attending an official function.
01:02:42I don't want to go to your function.
01:02:44I do not like your functions.
01:02:46They're all boring.
01:02:47With a football match, I am to present a cup.
01:02:51A football match?
01:02:53With all those young, healthy men.
01:02:55With big thighs.
01:02:57But if you don't want to go, I can't make you.
01:02:59Give me time to get changed.
01:03:02What kept you?
01:03:10If you don't want to go...
01:03:24Get over it!
01:03:26Get over it!
01:03:28Come on!
01:04:28Come on.
01:04:30Get out.
01:04:32You're on.
01:04:34Come on.
01:04:40Come on.
01:04:42Come on.
01:04:44Get out.
01:04:46Come on.
01:04:52Come on.
01:04:54Get out.
01:04:56You're on.
01:04:58Come on.
01:05:04Come on.
01:05:06Come on.
01:05:08Come on.
01:05:10Come on.
01:05:14Come on.
01:05:16Come on.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:20Come on.
01:05:22Come on.
01:05:24Come on.
01:05:26Come on.
01:05:28Come on.
01:05:30Come on.
01:05:32Come on.
01:05:36Come on.
01:05:38Come on.
01:05:40Come on.
01:05:42There it is.
01:06:12Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday!
01:06:33Hello?
01:06:34Hello? Harry Hernia here.
01:06:37Remember the other night?
01:06:39Well, my trainer says it's okay until Friday.
01:06:41So how about it?
01:06:43Well, I am.
01:06:45I'll meet you in ten minutes.
01:06:46Outside your garden gate.
01:07:05Ooh la la, Harry.
01:07:08I know you're a big man, but this is ridiculous.
01:07:12Move.
01:07:13Must I?
01:07:13It's very nice like this.
01:07:15Get in.
01:07:16I know you're a big man.
01:07:17I know you're a big man.
01:07:18I know you're a big man.
01:07:19I've got a bag.
01:07:22I know you're a big man.
01:07:24I know you're a big man.
01:07:26Start the car.
01:07:28Theodore, what is this all about?
01:07:32How do you know it's me?
01:07:36Start the car.
01:07:38I will not. I'm going to have dinner with my husband and the foreign secretary.
01:07:42They can wait. I'm kidnapping you.
01:07:44That's crazy. My husband wouldn't give you one franc to get me back.
01:07:48Not for ransom. I'm making you my prisoner.
01:07:50I'm going to keep you to myself.
01:07:52That's ridiculous.
01:07:54I warn you. I'm desperate.
01:07:56Start the car.
01:07:58No.
01:08:00Why not?
01:08:02I can't drive.
01:08:04Oh, God. Why didn't you tell me?
01:08:06You didn't ask me.
01:08:08The changeover.
01:08:14Oh, God.
01:08:16This is worse than the Concorde.
01:08:18If you wanted to kidnap me properly, you should have sneaked into my bedroom in the middle of the night.
01:08:26Clara formed me and carried me over your back to the car in a sack.
01:08:32I thought of that. Only I've got a bad back.
01:08:34You can't drive with one hand.
01:08:44Yes, I can.
01:08:46There you are.
01:08:48You're not going to kidnap me.
01:08:50I am.
01:08:52I don't think so.
01:08:54I can't drive lying down.
01:08:56You've been talking about one hand.
01:08:58No, don't.
01:09:00Stop.
01:09:02Don't.
01:09:04Stop.
01:09:06Don't stop.
01:09:08Oh, Manuel.
01:09:10You're making it very hard for me.
01:09:26Manuel.
01:09:28I may have to do something totally ruthless to bring you to your senses.
01:09:32My editor won't be interested unless all this is authentic, you know.
01:09:36It's authentic, all right.
01:09:38I've got the pictures here to prove it.
01:09:40Well, now.
01:09:41What else has this broad been up to?
01:09:43It's all down there.
01:09:47What's that?
01:09:48Blimey, is that what it means?
01:09:50And that was with a chauffeur, right?
01:09:51Yeah, that's right.
01:09:53You'll have to have proper substantiation before we can run this, you know.
01:09:57I've told you I've got everything.
01:09:58Photographs, names, places, dates, and all on affidavits.
01:10:04Foreplay with the butler.
01:10:06By the way, did you use a wide-angle lens on this?
01:10:08I certainly did.
01:10:10Ah-ha.
01:10:11Ménage à trois with a Soviet ambassador
01:10:13and a KGB man at the Soviet embassy.
01:10:15Sounds like a case of reds on the bed.
01:10:18Ultraliner with the Minister of Sport.
01:10:23What's that?
01:10:24I don't know.
01:10:25Here it is.
01:10:26Here it is.
01:10:27Ultraliner.
01:10:28Spanking.
01:10:29You should know about that, you old devil.
01:10:32When it used to happen to me, I didn't know you were supposed to enjoy it.
01:10:37Theodore, what does coitus interruptus with the Prime Minister mean?
01:10:43It means, Mother, that the Prime Minister's a very busy man.
01:10:47Pygmalionism.
01:10:48Amorous attraction directed towards a statue.
01:10:53Stone the pigeons.
01:10:55Whoop!
01:10:57Accepted her punishment from the Lord Chief Justice.
01:11:01A bit of habeas corpus with the police commissioner.
01:11:04Played strip monopoly with the chairman of the Bank of England.
01:11:08and got herself in a very United State with the American ambassador.
01:11:13Let me have a look.
01:11:16I haven't got me glasses.
01:11:19Aphrodite Gallipicus with the guest conductor of the Royal Symphony Orchestra.
01:11:24Aphrodite Gallipicus.
01:11:27It's all Greek to me.
01:11:28It says scropophilia is the more urgent form of voyeurism.
01:11:34Hm?
01:11:35The need to watch others undress.
01:11:38Blimey, I've had that for years.
01:11:40Not with an entire football team.
01:11:42No, I'm a rugby man, mate.
01:11:44Different shaped balls.
01:11:45Because of his wife's alleged misconduct in high places,
01:11:48the President of the Republic has indicated that the ambassador may be recalled and dismissed.
01:11:53Because of the allegations, the Soviet ambassador today sought political asylum in the Soviet Union.
01:11:59Make your pardon.
01:12:00That should be the Soviet ambassador today was sent to a political asylum in the Soviet Union.
01:12:05The Prime Minister said today, there's nothing to deny.
01:12:08What good is proof if you haven't got the evidence?
01:12:11The American ambassador said, why the **** don't you **** off and mind your own **** business?
01:12:16Would you all stand back?
01:12:18Could you move back there, please, sir?
01:12:20Thank you very much.
01:12:21Where's the ambassador?
01:12:22Where's Emmanuel?
01:12:23Can we have a statement?
01:12:25The ambassador and his lady wife have asked me to tell you they are not at home.
01:12:30And even if they were, the answer would be, no comment.
01:12:33Hey, butler.
01:12:34You're the butler. You must have seen something.
01:12:36Yeah, tell us what the butler saw.
01:12:38No comment.
01:12:40Is it true that the ambassador's wife had an affair with all the domestic staff except you?
01:12:44Is that true?
01:12:46That, sir, is quite untrue.
01:12:48Ah, then the butler did do it.
01:12:51No comment.
01:12:56Don't like Harold Humph, can't stand him.
01:12:58That's funny, he can't stand you either.
01:13:00Please be quiet and listen.
01:13:02All right.
01:13:03Hello, good evening, good night, and welcome.
01:13:06Not since the Keeler affair, or Watergate, has public interest been so aroused in the affairs of state.
01:13:12I refer, of course, to the case of Madame Emmanuelle Prevert.
01:13:19Now, Madame Prevert has consented, and I use the word advisedly, to be interviewed for the very first time.
01:13:33Madame Prevert.
01:13:34Who there?
01:13:35I beg your pardon.
01:13:42Madame Prevert, thank you for allowing me to set the record straight for our viewers.
01:13:46Not at all.
01:13:48Will you now take this opportunity to deny the allegations that have been made against you?
01:13:53No.
01:13:54Don't you mean, yes?
01:13:55No.
01:13:56I mean, no.
01:13:57You don't deny the allegations at all?
01:13:58No.
01:13:59Apart from a little embellishment, they are substantially true.
01:14:00You mean, you're not going to deny the allegations?
01:14:01Why should I?
01:14:02Everybody else has.
01:14:03Well, that's their problem.
01:14:04Let's tell it them, girl!
01:14:05Do it, Madame!
01:14:06Shhh!
01:14:07Now, wait a minute.
01:14:08Let's get this straight.
01:14:09Is it true or false that you have been made against you?
01:14:10No.
01:14:11No.
01:14:12Don't you mean, yes?
01:14:13No.
01:14:14Don't you mean, yes?
01:14:15No.
01:14:16I mean, no.
01:14:17You don't deny the allegations?
01:14:18No.
01:14:19You don't deny the allegations?
01:14:20No.
01:14:21I mean, no.
01:14:22You don't deny the allegations at all?
01:14:23No.
01:14:24Apart from a little embellishment, they are substantially true.
01:14:25You mean, you're not going to deny the allegations?
01:14:26Do it, Madame!
01:14:27Shhh!
01:14:28Now, wait a minute.
01:14:31Let's get this straight.
01:14:33Is it true or false that you actually had an affectionate encounter with the Prime Minister?
01:14:40True.
01:14:41I remember it quite well.
01:14:42Really?
01:14:43I don't always remember everyone I have an affair with, but I remember him.
01:14:47It was very charming.
01:14:48He sandwiched me in between a cabinet meeting and a visit from the unions.
01:14:52Of course, he was a little distracted.
01:14:55I bet he was.
01:14:56Oh, please!
01:14:57So would I be.
01:15:00Do you mind?
01:15:02What about the other people mentioned in the press?
01:15:05Oh, they were all a bit distracted.
01:15:07Busy people usually are.
01:15:09Uh, really?
01:15:11That is why, on occasions, I have to resort to variations.
01:15:16Do you realize what you're admitting?
01:15:18Yes.
01:15:19Then would you like to take this opportunity to express your regrets over these affairs?
01:15:24No.
01:15:25You don't deny them and you don't regret them?
01:15:28Yes, I don't.
01:15:30Do you have a sense of right and wrong?
01:15:32Oh, yes.
01:15:33Then you'll admit you did wrong?
01:15:35No.
01:15:36Don't you have any qualms about the fact that your actions seem likely to bring down the government?
01:15:41That's very unlikely.
01:15:42Really?
01:15:43The papers admitted to mention I'd give an equal time to the Leader of the Opposition.
01:15:48He sandwiched me between a meeting of the Shadow Cabinet and a game of golf.
01:15:53I bet he kept his eye on the ball!
01:15:55Must be the only man who got a hole in one on the 19th.
01:15:58But why?
01:15:59Why did you, an ambassador's wife, do all this?
01:16:07Can you think of any better way of winning friends for your country?
01:16:11Do you share the philosophy of certain other ladies who have said that by making love to many people they are expanding the frontiers of human relationship?
01:16:24No.
01:16:25This is, how you say, bullshit.
01:16:32What about your husband?
01:16:34Well, he thinks it's bullshit too.
01:16:43What are you doing?
01:16:44You talk too much.
01:16:46Well, cut it there, okay?
01:16:49It's live?
01:16:50What bloody idea was that?
01:16:52At least cut it off the one for the States, okay?
01:16:54What's going out now?
01:16:56On satellite.
01:16:57Worldwide with instant translations.
01:17:02Goodnight.
01:17:05Goodbye everybody.
01:17:08Cut it!
01:17:09Cut it!
01:17:10What are you doing?
01:17:11Do it Mike!
01:17:12Cut the back.
01:17:13Cut to the commercial.
01:17:14Cut to commercials.
01:17:20Do it Mike!
01:17:21Well, at least it won't hurt the ratings.
01:17:24Theodore.
01:17:25Theodore.
01:17:26What are you doing?
01:17:27Nothing, Mother.
01:17:28You're not doing anything naughty to yourself, are you?
01:17:30Like that disgusting boy in that novel.
01:17:31No, Mother.
01:17:32Well, I've got some lovely steamed chicken and mashed potatoes with butter and parsley and herbs for you.
01:17:37I'm not hungry, Mother.
01:17:38But you haven't eaten for days.
01:17:39You're not on hunger strike, are you?
01:17:40Yes, Mother.
01:17:42Because of that dreadful girl?
01:17:43Yes, Mother.
01:17:44Half the country must be starving.
01:17:45Don't you understand?
01:17:46I love the Manuel.
01:17:47I love the Manuel.
01:17:48I mean, I can't live without her.
01:17:49But...
01:17:50I can't do anything right.
01:17:51But...
01:17:52I can't do anything right.
01:17:53But...
01:17:54I can't do anything right.
01:17:55I can't do anything right.
01:17:56Oh, well, I've got a little bit of a drink with my mother.
01:17:57I've got a little bit of a drink with my mother.
01:17:58I'm not hungry.
01:17:59I'm hungry, Mother.
01:18:00I've got a little bit of a drink with my mother.
01:18:01I'm hungry.
01:18:02I'm hungry, Mother.
01:18:03I'm hungry, Mother.
01:18:04But you haven't eaten for days.
01:18:05You're not on hunger strike, are you?
01:18:06Yes, Mother.
01:18:07Because of that dreadful girl?
01:18:08Yes, Mother.
01:18:09Half the country must be starving.
01:18:10Don't you understand?
01:18:11I love the Manuel.
01:18:12I mean, I can't live without her.
01:18:13But...
01:18:14I can't do anything right.
01:18:15I can't do anything right.
01:18:27I'm gonna shoot myself!
01:18:29Oh, no, no, darling!
01:18:31I must! I'm a failure!
01:18:34You're all that Mummy's got now that Daddy's gone.
01:18:38I'm a complete failure.
01:18:42No!
01:18:45I told you I was a failure.
01:18:48I missed.
01:18:49I missed little Teddy.
01:18:56Ninety-nine.
01:18:57Ninety-nine.
01:18:58Ninety-nine.
01:18:59Ninety-nine.
01:19:00Ninety-nine.
01:19:01Say ninety-nine.
01:19:02Ninety-nine.
01:19:03Ninety-nine.
01:19:04I see.
01:19:05This stems from the unfortunate accident with the church by...
01:19:10Yes, you got the point.
01:19:12Oh, you got the point?
01:19:14Oh.
01:19:15And you're finding it difficult to make love to your wife?
01:19:18Yes.
01:19:19Can you help me?
01:19:20You want me to make love to your wife?
01:19:23No, certainly not.
01:19:24I want you to help me to do it.
01:19:26Jolly good.
01:19:27Please drop your trousers.
01:19:29Hmm.
01:19:30I'm quite sure your condition is psychological, not pathological.
01:19:39There is absolutely no reason why you cannot enjoy a perfectly normal relationship with the wife.
01:19:46But I've tried and tried.
01:19:49And you can't raise any enthusiasm?
01:19:52I can't raise anything.
01:19:54Hmm.
01:19:55You seem to have the right equipment.
01:19:58You're very kind.
01:20:00Oh, doctor.
01:20:01Your hands are very cold.
01:20:03Sorry.
01:20:04Cough?
01:20:05Yes.
01:20:06As I thought.
01:20:07It's all in your mind.
01:20:08Are you sure?
01:20:09I'll prove it.
01:20:10Nurse!
01:20:11Oh, wait a minute.
01:20:12I've got nothing on.
01:20:13I'm not decent.
01:20:14She's a nurse.
01:20:15She's used to seeing things like that.
01:20:17Open your coat, please, nurse.
01:20:33Thank you, nurse.
01:20:36You see, there's nothing wrong with you.
01:20:38You're making a fuss about such a little thing.
01:20:41Why, I would no say that.
01:20:44I would not say that.
01:20:55You will catch a cold in your eye.
01:20:57It is incredible.
01:20:59What is?
01:21:00She must be in a very bad way.
01:21:02What is it? Who's she got in bed now?
01:21:04You'll never believe me what I tell you. The ambassador.
01:21:07Which one?
01:21:08Her husband.
01:21:09Oh. Well, I suppose a change is as good as a rest.
01:21:13Oh, that was wonderful, darling.
01:21:18I think nothing of it.
01:21:20It's good exercise.
01:21:22It builds up the lumbar and your rectus abdominis.
01:21:26And I'll tell you something else.
01:21:28What?
01:21:29It's a lot better than pumping iron.
01:21:34I've never stopped taking my pills since...
01:21:37since I left school.
01:21:39Well, the pill is only 99.99% safe, you know.
01:21:45I'm afraid you are the unlucky .001.
01:21:49I've never heard of that before.
01:21:51I mean, I don't mind becoming a mother,
01:21:54so long as it doesn't interrupt with my love life too long.
01:21:57I will respectfully suggest that a few months' layoff might do you a world of good.
01:22:03It might do the world a world of good too.
01:22:08Well, that's it then.
01:22:10I think we should celebrate.
01:22:12Why not? Let's go behind the screen.
01:22:14For why?
01:22:15To celebrate.
01:22:16I'll be reading all about how naughty you are.
01:22:19And I'm thinking we both can be naughty together.
01:22:22How dare you?
01:22:23I am a married lady.
01:22:29Nurse?
01:22:31Coming, Doctor.
01:22:33Emile, I have some news for you.
01:22:35Yes, what is it, darling?
01:22:36What would you say to an addition to the household?
01:22:38Oh, no, no, no.
01:22:39We already have the inflation.
01:22:40Everything's going up.
01:22:41With Loins, Mrs. Dangle, Leyland, even old Richmond's at the rise.
01:22:44I am talking about a baby.
01:22:45I am pregnant.
01:22:46Oh, I feel faint.
01:22:47I must sit down.
01:22:48Oh, I've come over queer.
01:22:49I'm going to be a father.
01:22:50Oh.
01:22:51You don't mind?
01:22:52Oh, no.
01:22:53I think it's wonderful.
01:22:54So do I.
01:22:55But I don't understand how I get a baby on the pill.
01:22:56I have a confession to make to you.
01:22:57I want to be a father.
01:22:58Oh.
01:22:59You don't mind?
01:23:00Oh, no.
01:23:01I think it's wonderful.
01:23:02Well, so do I.
01:23:03But I don't understand how I get a baby on the pill.
01:23:05I have a confession to make to you.
01:23:08I wanted to be the only man in your life, and I thought motherhood.
01:23:12Motherhood?
01:23:13A devoted mother doesn't have time to deli.
01:23:17What are you telling me?
01:23:18One night, when you were asleep, I took your pills away.
01:23:22Oh, but you can't have.
01:23:23I haven't stopped taking them.
01:23:24You thought you were taking them, but I got a chemist friend of mine to make up a substitute
01:23:28and slotted them into your packet.
01:23:30Oh, la, la.
01:23:31You are angry?
01:23:32No.
01:23:33No.
01:23:34So all the time, I've been taking some armless pills.
01:23:37They weren't exactly armless.
01:23:39What were they?
01:23:40They were fertility pills.
01:23:42Don't they look like their father?
01:23:56Do you know?
01:23:57Yes.
01:23:58The woman is Love Raisin'
01:23:59She's Lovin' all night.
01:24:00And the woman is Love Raisin'
01:24:03Won't stop for a bite.
01:24:05And the woman is Love Raisin'
01:24:07She's down on your own.
01:24:09And sometimes I work so hard, I wish she'd leave me alone.
01:24:12The woman is Love Raisin'
01:24:15She's lovin' all night.
01:24:17The woman is Love Raisin'
01:24:19Won't stop for a bite
01:24:20The woman is love-crazy
01:24:23She's out on the road
01:24:24Sometimes it gets so hard
01:24:27I just don't wanna go home
01:24:29The woman is love-crazy
01:24:31She's loving all night
01:24:33The woman is love-crazy
01:24:35Won't stop for a bite