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00:00I married Joan
00:07What a girl, what a world, what a life
00:11Oh, I married Joan
00:15What a mind, love is blind, what a wife
00:18Being gay all day she keeps my heart laughing
00:23Never know where her brain has grown
00:27To each his own
00:30Can he not ask why I married Joan
00:34The Joan Davis Show
00:36I Married Joan
00:38America's favorite comedy show
00:41Starring America's queen of comedy
00:44Joan Davis
00:46As Mrs. Joan Stevens
00:48And featuring
00:56Jim Backus
00:57As Judge Bradley Stevens
01:00I Married Joan
01:09Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:22Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum
01:24Ah, good morning, you wonderful, wonderful guy, you
01:30Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:33Oh, how can I help it?
01:35Being married to sweet, darling, wonderful you
01:37Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah
01:39Well, that takes care of my shower this morning
01:42Oh, breakfast in bed
01:47What did I do to deserve this?
01:49You married me
01:50Huh?
01:52Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband
01:56After all this time, it just occurred to you this morning
01:59Oh, no, darling
02:01Oh, honey, this morning, honey
02:03Oh, honey, that's a good shootout
02:05No, honey, I've been glad all the time, dear
02:11But this morning, well, I got up very early this morning
02:15I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having
02:18With all those old high school girlfriends of mine
02:20Just think I haven't seen them for 15 years
02:23Well, anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early
02:26And, well, I was thinking
02:28Would I be as excited about seeing the girls
02:30If I couldn't tell them that I was married to a judge?
02:34Oh, no, I, uh, I see
02:37I want the girls just turned green with envy
02:40When they hear that I'm married to a judge
02:42Well, honey, uh, maybe some of the other girls married well, too
02:48Maybe, but to a judge
02:50Yes, I guess you're right
02:52You know, judges don't grow on trees
02:54Oh, no, no, let me do that for you, judge
02:58Oh, love her
02:59Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge
03:05Especially, well, take Minnie, for instance
03:09She was the flighty one of the bunch
03:11Uh, what were you of the bunch?
03:14Me?
03:14Oh, I was the normal one
03:16Oh, yes, darling
03:19I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you
03:22For all the wonderful
03:23Surely, I can't, you know
03:24Sorry
03:25But when I walk into that old classroom
03:28And meet all the girls
03:29Oh, I'm proud, dear
03:31Believe me
03:32Joan, Joan, that I'm right
03:34Oh, I'm sorry
03:36I've had my breakfast
03:37What am I?
03:38Just excited, I guess
03:40Oh, thank you
03:43Thank you for marrying me
03:45You sweet, wonderful
03:46Honka judge, you
03:48Nimo
03:48Ooh, baby
03:50Oh, I'm sorry
03:58La la la la la la...
04:18La la la la la...
04:28Joni, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
04:39Joni! Gloria!
04:41Oh, my ever gladest.
04:44Guess what happened to me?
04:46I'm married to a judge.
04:48You never have the worst time getting up there.
04:48I couldn't win a judge, Bradley James.
04:50He's awfully young.
04:51Is he a judge?
04:52Let me take a look at you.
04:56You haven't changed the bit.
04:58Right over here, I want to hear all about you.
05:01What you've been doing, how you've been doing.
05:03I want to hear every little detail.
05:05You know how I always love sports.
05:06Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stevens?
05:09Huh?
05:10Well, the man I married happens to be a...
05:12Girls!
05:14Minnie!
05:15Oh, is this wonderful!
05:17You know, I've been thinking about this by all the time here.
05:20I made up my mind.
05:21I'm married to a judge.
05:22I said, I would be a judge, Bradley J.
05:24I know.
05:25I know.
05:26I know.
05:26I know.
05:27Let me take a look at you.
05:30Let me take a look at you.
05:30You haven't changed the bit, huh?
05:34Now, as I was telling Gloria, the man I'm married to...
05:37No!
05:37No!
05:38No!
05:38No!
05:39No!
05:39No!
05:40No!
05:40No!
05:41I've been looking for it all so long.
05:43I never thought it would work hard on me.
05:45Whenever I make a sign like that, it's never worked hard on me.
05:47John Bradley J. Stevens, I want to tell you, I'm looking forward to you.
05:50And I'm looking forward to the judges that you...
05:52Let me take a look at you.
05:54You haven't changed a bit!
05:57Well, let's all sit down, Charlie.
05:59It's very important to get all the time out after 50 years.
06:02In my mind, nothing would be asked right here.
06:04It's girls, it's new girls.
06:06And now, as I was saying, the man that I'm married to...
06:09Oh, you're married, Joanie.
06:10Yes, I am anyway.
06:11Oh, that's wonderful.
06:12How about you, Minnie?
06:13You married?
06:14No, I never found the time.
06:15Me either.
06:16What about you, Gloria?
06:17No, too busy.
06:18You know, I'm just saying that.
06:19When you travel around, I know.
06:20When you travel around, I know.
06:21When you travel around, I know.
06:22When you travel around, I know.
06:23When you travel around, I know.
06:24When you travel around, I know.
06:25When I was in England, I get a moment.
06:26I know.
06:27I know.
06:28Oh, no.
06:29What does this say?
06:32Judge.
06:33Judge.
06:34Very good.
06:35Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be a...
06:39Congratulations.
06:40Well, thank you, Minnie.
06:41I really think I'm very fortunate myself.
06:44It was wonderful.
06:45It was so good.
06:46Oh, congratulations, Gloria.
06:48For what?
06:49You mean you didn't read that Babe Jones was the first person ever to swim across the Bay of Biscay?
06:54Well, of course, the papers were full of it, but what's that got to do with glo...
06:58Glo...
06:59Glo...
07:00Glory?
07:01You are Babe Jones?
07:02What?
07:03You look so different in the pictures with the goggles on and everything.
07:07I...
07:08I didn't recognize.
07:09Oh, my goodness.
07:10Then you're also the national singles and doubles women's tennis champion?
07:15Well, what have you been doing, Minnie?
07:18Oh, you know me, Joanie.
07:19Still fooling around with cosmetics.
07:21Oh, fooling around, huh?
07:23Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
07:25Oh, sure.
07:28Oh, Madame Minette, eh?
07:31Well, of course.
07:32It's the best.
07:33I wouldn't use anything else.
07:34Atta girl.
07:35Joanie, may I present to you Madame Minette.
07:38How do you do...
07:40Madame Minette?
07:42But your name is Minnie.
07:44Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
07:47Well, what have you been doing, Marsha?
07:50Oh, working for the government.
07:51Civil service, huh?
07:52Mm, you might call it that.
07:53Oh, that's nice.
07:54And you're not married, huh?
07:55No.
07:56Well, did I tell you, girls, who I married?
07:57No.
07:58No.
07:59What did you tell us behind him, Jodie?
08:00What did he do?
08:01Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a jo...
08:04Come in.
08:05Dr. Bronson?
08:06No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
08:07It's just us girls.
08:08I'm Dr. Bronson General.
08:09Oh, pardon me.
08:10They told me, at your hotel that you'd be here.
08:11The President desires to communicate with you.
08:12President?
08:13What president?
08:14President?
08:15Oh, I'm sorry.
08:17He said he wouldn't leave me when I called the White House today.
08:18That president?
08:19Oh, I'm sorry.
08:20He said he wouldn't need me when I called the White House today.
08:21That President?
08:23That's President.
08:24I know, but something urgent has come up that she was charcoal.
08:25It's just the case.
08:26Eric was thinking ahead of her.
08:27Are you sitting here?
08:28Uh, son, S-R против W errors, son?
08:30Can you do nothing from celebrating your income?
08:31The president.
08:32Mississippi, you go through living together.
08:33I'm sorry.
08:34The president said I should tell you too,
08:36you're terminating.
08:37What president?
08:38I know, but something urgent has come up, and he needs your advice.
09:08Um, tell the president that I advise against it.
09:17Yes, doctor.
09:17And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
09:20Very good, doctor.
09:22Good day, ladies.
09:28You're that, Dr. Bronson, of the State Department?
09:31Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science, so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
09:36But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter.
09:39They're ambassador with our portfolio.
09:42Well, tell us what you've been doing, Johnny.
09:44Yes, with your pep and ability, you must have really made a name for yourself.
09:49Well, I'm president of the board of, um, I'm chairman of the bureau of, um, I'm head of the department of, I make great meatballs.
10:02What about an identity of my own?
10:04What on earth are you talking about?
10:07I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens.
10:09That's what I'm talking about.
10:11I don't know what's going on, but, Joan, calm down.
10:14You're all upset.
10:16Don't you touch me.
10:18Not after the nasty thing you did to me.
10:21The nasty thing?
10:22What did I do?
10:23You married me.
10:26That was a nasty thing?
10:28Show me.
10:30And you said you hated me.
10:31Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
10:35You know I love you, even though I hate you.
10:38But, gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
10:41If it weren't for marrying you, I might have been a somebody, too.
10:44Like some certain other women that I know.
10:47Some certain other women?
10:49Oh, you mean your three high school friends.
10:51Yeah, they made a mark in the world because, well, they weren't rushed into marriage.
10:57Look, honey, you come over here and sit on old Brad's lap and we'll talk this over.
11:03Well, if I had had half the chance, I could have done just as well as those other girls.
11:08I was just as smart in school as they were.
11:11Oh, now, Joanie.
11:12Well, I was, too.
11:14Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
11:16If it hadn't been for me, she would have gotten the lowest mark in algebra class.
11:20You helped her?
11:21Yes.
11:22I got the lowest mark.
11:25Jo.
11:26You know, Brad, I know that I could have been a big executive like Minnie.
11:29I just know it.
11:32Well, this is one problem you're going to have to solve yourself.
11:36Yes, dear.
11:42Sure.
11:43If I hadn't been rushed into marriage, I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
11:48Madam Manette, I could have been Lady Jum.
11:55Imagine me, head of the largest cosmetic firm in the world, sitting in my office, the largest
12:00office in the world.
12:02What power I'd have.
12:04The whole country at my feet.
12:06The largest feet in the world.
12:08Yes, this is Lady Jum, sole owner of Lady Jum Cosmetics.
12:24Oh, hiya, Prez.
12:28What?
12:28The U.S. Treasury is a little low and you're worried about the budget.
12:33Two billion be enough?
12:35Glad to do it.
12:37Glad.
12:38Oh, by the way, one little formality.
12:41What are you putting up for collateral?
12:44Oh, I see.
12:45You'll put up taxes.
12:46But I'm sorry, I'm already holding taxes for what the last boy borrowed.
12:57Yes, Brewster?
12:58The staff is waiting outside for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Jum.
13:02Fine, send them in.
13:04Oh, wait.
13:08Light me.
13:09Light me.
13:15Real cool.
13:16Oh, Lady Jum, how can you treat me like this, after what we've been to each other?
13:22Please, Brewster, we're about to have a business conference.
13:25Business, business.
13:26Is that all you care about?
13:27All I care about is you.
13:29I love you.
13:30Hopelessly, madly, insanely.
13:32I love you.
13:32Do you hear?
13:33I love you.
13:34Well, don't you have anything to say?
13:37Yes, what else is new?
13:40Look at you.
13:42So cool.
13:43So cruel.
13:43So sure of yourself.
13:46If only you can let yourself go enough to accept a man, to accept marriage.
13:49Oh, silly boy.
13:52I'm a big power in business.
13:55A tycoonist.
13:57I'm not a foolish, emotional girl who wants to cook and scrub away her life for a man and wind up in nothing.
14:08But, Lady Jum, I can't go on living like this.
14:11Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that, and I shall remove you as vice president and put you back to your old job.
14:19Eyebrow plucker, third class.
14:21Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:32Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:33Uh, staff, I am happy to announce that Lady Joan Cosmetics is now the biggest single business in the entire world.
14:45And I am the biggest single business executive.
14:48And why?
14:50Because I'm single.
14:52Oh, Ashley.
14:55What?
14:56Joan, what about this shirt?
14:58You know how I hate starch in the collar.
14:59Haven't you any consideration for your husband's wishes?
15:02Husband, starch, shirts?
15:04Why, there must be some mistake.
15:06I'm Lady Joan.
15:07I don't have to worry about husbands and washing shirts and...
15:12Brewster, throw this bounder out of here.
15:18Staff, remove this fellow.
15:26Oh, Brett.
15:31What about the starch in his shirt?
15:34All right, I'll take care of it.
15:37I'll take care of it.
15:50Or I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
15:54Sure.
15:55I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
15:58Babe Jones.
16:00With the proper breaks, I could have been...
16:03Babe Stevens.
16:06Oh, no.
16:10Keep it up, babe.
16:11You're doing great.
16:13This is getting pretty monotonous.
16:15I know, I know, babe.
16:17Here, have some hot soup.
16:18How much fiber?
16:38You've been in the water for four days.
16:40You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
16:42You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
16:45Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:55This salad dressing tastes terrible and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:59Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
17:01Oh, Brett, no!
17:08Joni, I tasted the salad dressing.
17:10It's terrible.
17:11It's flat.
17:13Well, it just needs a little salt.
17:15Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life all of a sudden, that's your privilege.
17:23Have some consideration for my feelings.
17:26Try and be a little diplomatic.
17:27Be a little diplomatic, huh?
17:33Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose.
17:35Diplomatic.
17:37People used to like me much more than Marsha.
17:40Dr. Bronson.
17:43Gosh, diplomats.
17:45They're all over the place.
17:46London, Vienna, Paris.
17:50Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:52Dr. Stevens.
17:53Right?
17:53I'm Bronson.
17:55Glad to meet you, Bronson.
17:56I'm so relieved they've sent you, Doctor.
17:58The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
18:01The President of France is waiting to see you.
18:03Lead on, Bronson.
18:08Monsieur President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens.
18:14Mademoiselle Stevens, welcome.
18:17My country's greetings, President, and felicitations from my President.
18:24But I can't waste time.
18:25I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
18:28But of course, whenever the great John Stevens, without Portfolio 1M, arrives anywhere in the world, history is in the making.
18:36I am honored.
18:37Naturally.
18:37Well, I feel that an international power shift is in the making if Sinaloa moves upon Besarabia, and Besarabia moves upon Indorasia, and Indorasia moves upon Pakistan, and Pakistan moves upon Ira Basque, serious repercussions will follow that may be felt in Pasadena.
18:59As serious as that, Mademoiselle.
19:01As serious as that.
19:02If you say so.
19:03I say so.
19:04Then it must be so.
19:05Naturally.
19:06And at the same time, due to pressures from these outer fringes, and a power squeeze in the middle, France may well become the Pope.
19:17Good heavens, what must France do?
19:19There is only one thing France can do.
19:22What is that?
19:23Squeeze back.
19:25If you say so.
19:26I say so.
19:27Then it must be so.
19:28Naturally.
19:29Dr. Stevens, a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
19:34Joan!
19:34Joan!
19:36You are a special courier with new orders?
19:38And your orders are to come home.
19:40The salad dressing is okay, but what about the rest of the dinner?
19:43Please, and you didn't have that.
19:45I'm in Paris!
19:54Oh, Brad!
19:59That did it.
20:04It's no use, Brad.
20:05I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
20:08Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
20:11Well, honey, I love you too much to stand in the way of your happiness.
20:14So you go out and make your mark in the world, and after you're famous, you come back to me.
20:18But before you start out on your new venture, you have to be a good little housewife for one more night, and fix a nice dinner.
20:24We're having company.
20:26Company?
20:26Yes, Minnie called.
20:27She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
20:30Oh, well, I'm glad they're coming.
20:33They can give me some good advice and start me off.
20:36My last night as a housewife!
20:39Of course, where the line between right and wrong is not carefully drawn,
20:43then a person like myself, sitting in judgment upon others,
20:47must do a lot of soul-searching.
20:49A judge must be free of pressure.
20:51Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
20:53Shhh!
20:56Girls, you don't understand.
20:59Brad has released me.
21:00I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
21:04No more drudgery for me.
21:06You talk about drudgery.
21:08What do you think I'm up against?
21:10Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets, sales meetings, buyers,
21:14competitors stabbing you in the back?
21:16At least you get to stay home.
21:18I'm always on the move.
21:20No place to hang my hat.
21:21Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
21:25On your guard, watch yourself.
21:27Hmph, drudgery.
21:28You should talk.
21:30Up every morning at 5 a.m.
21:32Do your road work for two hours.
21:34Breakfast.
21:35One lean lamb chop.
21:37Every day the same thing.
21:38Every day the same lamb chop.
21:40What are you girls complaining about?
21:42Well, what is it that you girls really did?
21:46A man to take care of me.
21:48One for me, too.
21:50One for me, too.
21:52What am I crying about?
21:57I've got a man.
22:00Have you, Johnny?
22:01Don't you remember you set me free today?
22:03Oh, that's right.
22:05She did.
22:05Yes.
22:06She certainly did.
22:08Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
22:10Judge, what about dinner?
22:12Save supper time for me.
22:13I'll meet you any place you say.
22:15I'll be there, too.
22:16Hold it.
22:18Hold it.
22:21Now, you girls, cut that out!
22:25But, Johnny, lover,
22:26I thought you first wanted to make your mark.
22:29I do.
22:31And here it is.
22:32On you.
22:33Hmm.
22:34Hmm.
22:35Hmm.
22:35Hmm.
22:36Hmm.
22:40I want to thank you girls for coming when I called.
22:45And, uh, incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting.
22:48Who was acting?
22:51Let's speak for me.
22:53Hmm.
22:55You're a doll, Brad.
22:57Joan doesn't know what a lucky girl she is.
23:01Who doesn't?
23:02All right, dear.
23:05Good night.
23:06Goodbye, girl.
23:07See you 15 years from now.
23:09It's been swell.
23:11All right.
23:11Get in there.
23:12You were enjoying that, Brad.
23:14I'm...
23:14I'm Mary Jones.
23:20What a girl, what a world, what a night.
23:22Oh, I'm Mary Jones.
23:25What a mind, love is blind, what a mind.
23:28To you, Gillian Gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing.
23:33Never know where her brain has flown.
23:36To each his own.
23:39Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:43To each his own.
23:46Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:48Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:49Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:49Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:50Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:51Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:52Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:53Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:54Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:55Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:56Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:57Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:58Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
23:59Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
24:00Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
24:01Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
24:02Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
24:03Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.