First broadcast 14th April 2019.
Jimmy Carr
Rob Beckett
John Pohlhammer
Katherine Ryan
Johnny Vegas
Alex Brooker
Anna Richardson
Sophie Duker
Jimmy Carr
Rob Beckett
John Pohlhammer
Katherine Ryan
Johnny Vegas
Alex Brooker
Anna Richardson
Sophie Duker
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00it's johnny vegas from make it attraction it's anna richardson and ralph beckons
00:30their team captain and facing them tonight brook out it's alex brooker stand up girl it's sophie joker
00:40and kathryn ryan their guest team captain now welcome your host jimmy carl
00:51hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 cats a show about opinion polls survey
00:59and statistics did you know for example humans share 50 percent of our genes with bananas
01:05well that certainly explains the bend in my penis
01:07and why it turned green that one time
01:15there are over 125 000 stray cats in istanbul finally a bit of good news for the shish kebab industry
01:23and 17 percent of brits have had sex on a dining table turnover it's time for pudding
01:30what are you talking about that's the name of our first round it's our panelists job to get the british
01:48public's top three most popular talking points rob's team what do you think the nation will be
01:51talking about this week well it must be the new brexit developments yeah i don't know much about this
01:56but i think this might go down as one of the worst brexits ever
01:59the extensions all i own is extension this extension that i'm so annoyed of it i don't even go in my
02:08conservatory anymore i'm sick of extensions i think donald tusk who i can only assume is a cartoon elephant
02:14he called it flex tension and the flex tension is meant to be till june 30th and that just doesn't
02:20work for me because it's my birthday and cheryl cole's birthday people will be having barbecues
02:26the next day no one's gonna be any fit state to fight for diabetes medicine in dover it's not a good
02:31day june 30th is also when glastonbury ends which i think is a really good time because i think it'll
02:38make the transition easier because you'll just have been like living in a 10 shitting in the woods
02:42eating out of tins then you go to no deal brexit which will be exactly the same except you won't have to
02:47listen to george ezra
02:48obviously theresa may has been doing her best because a lot of people are a bit confused as to
02:57what's going on so this week she made a video like that they put online for social media telling us
03:01what was going on take a look she makes it pretty clear over the last few days people have been
03:06asking me what on earth's happening with brexit and i can understand that because after all it's
03:10nearly three years since people voted in the referendum for the uk to leave the european union
03:15well where we're at is the the government negotiated a deal with the eu and my preference was for that
03:23deal to be passed by parliament and we could leave with the eu on that base the eu on that basis
03:28well it it begs the question how is she operated is someone
03:32authenticity just looks like they're disagreeing with her as the film
03:38well then look that fake laugh and then it's been nearly three years because of you
03:44i'm like the laugh of that it's your fault the thing i thought is the country desperately needs
03:50some money if teresa may is going to make a home video she's got to go down the king's
03:54our bashing road that is a challenging one they're all challenging for me jimmy
04:02i think it's weird with the corbin teresa talks because like the thing they keep saying is that
04:13both sides are showing flexibility and neither of them look like they can touch their own knees
04:17i mean it's nothing wrong with that
04:20imagine if they really got on though because they probably never sat down
04:27imagine if they said teresa may and corby might be pounding it out
04:31yeah imagine it they're just like oh it's all getting a bit stressful
04:34put some music on and like oh i love lighthouse family too
04:37she starts off then go hard all jazza
04:41you know when like you have people have a bad day at work and you just go yeah
04:46tomorrow will be better teresa may it just gets worse
04:50she never gets up in the morning and goes today's your day teresa
04:54she has one rejection away from having her shoelaces taken off her
04:58anna have you got any advice for teresa may what would you say to her now
05:07well i mean i think she proves that you know women can multitask really really well
05:11because i mean let's face it she's you know fucking up her own party
05:14fucking up brexit and also fucking up the nation
05:17i say work on the videos i'm looking forward to seeing more of her home videos because i could
05:24just see her now you know on our instagram feed just kicking back with her husband in the hot tub
05:29you know boobs floating on top of the water
05:31just talking about the backstop
05:34i'm all about that mine
05:35have your boobs learned to play piano
05:38like wow about whether it's brexit or brexit i always say brexit
05:45yeah but there's a lot a lot of politicians say brexit
05:48what do you call it fucking huge mistake
05:50now not every politician um has been consistent on brexit
05:59take a look at this spiky introduction of one mp on channel 4 news
06:04well the conservative mp ben bradley is in the house of commons he voted to remain then became a brexiteer
06:10then voted against the deal then voted for the deal then said he'd struggle to back the deal again but now says he will
06:16back the deal ben bradley why do you get to change your mind
06:19he's done you he's done you he's done you
06:27he's got nothing about is he it's pretty good some of the other newscasters are very good there was there was a lady from the telegraph on the news the other day and as it was sort of being explained she just looked so baffled
06:37so take a look she's the lady on the right here well no one was really expecting any of the
06:43occasions last night to get a majority so it was a bit of a damp squib but i think still think it was
06:48really significant in terms of giving us some clues about what might come next
06:52she's like that's
06:56that's a proper journalist from the telegraph
06:58we watch this me and my son on breakfast tv and me somewhere is there somebody stood behind the cameraman with a gun
07:07they're running out of politicians that's the issue because like everyone changes so quickly you can't
07:12keep up the like the geyser is a health secretary he's called is it mick hancock who the fuck is mick hancock
07:21he's called matt hancock and you've proved your own point by getting wrong
07:24it does seem bizarre though you don't know like even if you take an interest in politics now so
07:29many people have resigned you don't know who's on the front benches the thing is we we may have to
07:34still go to the european elections even though we're leaving so i think what we should do is because
07:39we haven't got any politicians left why don't we just send some reality stars yeah just send jemma
07:44collins out to be our european member of parliament she'd be less like don't look at me like that's us
07:50the gc is ready for the eu is the eu ready for the gc you wait until i snap those tariffs on you can't
08:00afford this candy well let's see if it's up there
08:12yes it's teresa may's brexit deal last week teresa may wrote to the eu asking to delay brexit until the
08:1832nd of neviuary two thousand and never people are getting worried about brexit negotiations but
08:25don't worry guys we've got britain's shittest ever prime minister on it
08:32okay katherine what else have the nation been talking about the last week britain's got talent
08:36oh yeah it's back you watch it i would watch britain's got talent if aunt had carried on drinking all right
08:42what this show needs is a couple of tipsy gents put in a ventriloquist in a headlock
08:51i can't i can't watch it the way it is and if you've ever seen american kids rap or dance you
08:57don't think britain's got talent you think oh britain's got to start funding the arts
09:03the extraordinary act this week with simon cal said was the most dangerous act they've ever had on the show
09:07was these uh these brothers that are kind of sword swallowers have a watch of this nerve-wracking
09:11moment it's extraordinary
09:21so
09:38oh
09:51WHISTLE BLOWS
10:08Wow, wow, wow!
10:09APPLAUSE
10:10If you're...
10:12Just, William, if you're watching, obviously don't try that at home.
10:15That was obviously done...
10:16No, don't! Try it at home!
10:18Paul, try it tonight, even if it's a step-brother, just a fair...
10:26It wasn't even the most dangerous thing that those lads did.
10:28They didn't show it on telly, but they actually got a lift home from Ant.
10:37What talents do we have in this room?
10:39Anna, what do you think, if you went on Britain's Got Talent?
10:41Well, I can spot a cock from 100 paces.
10:44What would your talent be, Sophie? What do you think?
10:46I don't have a hidden talent, because I think a lot of hidden talents are pointless.
10:49And I think, like, post-Nodeal Bretz, I'm going to get a practical talent,
10:52so they'll bring me on Britain's Got Talent and be like,
10:54this is Sophie, she knows how to purify water!
11:00And what would you do on Britain's Got Talent if you were...?
11:02I could do Justin Timberlake songs I could probably name from the first few seconds.
11:06Are you a huge Justin Timberlake fan, or...?
11:08Yeah, I've been to Tim, like, six times.
11:11I even went in the wheelchair section for one of them.
11:14The geezer recognised me, and he's like,
11:17do you want to come and, like, sit in this bit?
11:18I was like, fucking right, dude, these are great seats!
11:20And then they're all parked up,
11:22and then I just went and kind of, like, sat next to them,
11:25but obviously, when sexy back hits,
11:27it's just something that takes over me.
11:29So I'm up, like, jumping, dancing,
11:31and see the people behind me.
11:33It's a miracle!
11:36First put your Justin Timberlake knowledge to the test.
11:39I'm going to play you the opening of a Justin Timberlake song,
11:41and you've got to come in within three notes.
11:43OK, then. OK.
11:45Cry me a river. Easy.
11:47OK, all right.
11:49Next one.
11:50Rock your body.
11:51Oh, he's quick.
11:52Go on.
11:53Sexy back.
11:55Absolutely pointless talent.
12:07I can play music on my nose.
12:10You can play your nose?
12:11Yeah.
12:12I can play my nose.
12:13Ladies and gentlemen.
12:14Come on, let's see it.
12:16MUSIC PLAYS
12:34Oh, come on!
12:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:45OK, let's see if it's up there.
12:58Yes, it's the return of Britain's Got Talent.
13:03Ant is the perfect host for Britain's Got Talent
13:06because if anyone knows what it's like
13:08to be given one chance to impress a judge, it's Ant.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:16That's it for part one.
13:17See you after the break.
13:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:32Welcome back to Weigh Our Ten Cats,
13:33where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
13:36OK, fingers on buzzers.
13:37What do you think?
13:38Is it Prince William's work experience with MI5?
13:42He wants to be a spy.
13:44World's most famous man wants to see how he can blend in.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48And because of nepotism, he gets to do that.
13:50He could be an astronaut.
13:51He could play three weeks in goal for Man City.
13:53He could do anything he wants.
13:55He's not fetching people tea.
13:56He's not working in an office.
13:58He's gone straight to spy and I love him for it.
14:00This is why he makes such an excellent spy
14:02because you'd never believe it was actually him.
14:04Like, if an eyewitness told you
14:05that Prince William rappelled into the British Museum,
14:08blew a security guard's brains out,
14:09then made out with a woman in a cocktail dress,
14:11you'd be like,
14:12yeah, sure, sure.
14:13I think he'd be Prince Harry.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15I think that's a mission drift there.
14:18If you've broken it in the Natural History Museum,
14:20shot a security guard...
14:21Shot a security guard.
14:22And got off with a lady.
14:24OK, national security-wise, I'm not sure what we've achieved,
14:26but well done.
14:27He's like a toddler that's been asked what he wants to do.
14:31Oh, yeah, please, can I be a helicopter driver?
14:34Erm, I'd like to be a spy man and...
14:36Can I be king, please, nanny?
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39Yeah, yeah, but also, when he wants to spy,
14:42part of that hedge, he walks off in it.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:47And he just goes in other people's gardens.
14:51LAUGHTER
14:53Alex, have you ever done any work experience?
14:55Yeah, I did it at the Job Centre.
14:57I had two jobs on the first day.
14:59Shredding stuff, like putting stuff through the shredder,
15:02it was fine, and making tea.
15:04And the second day, I was down to just doing the shredding
15:07because I kept spitting the tea.
15:09LAUGHTER
15:10I did work experience at my dad's engineering office
15:13and then I started sleeping with someone there, didn't I?
15:16And my little sister also started doing work experience...
15:18It's not your dad, is it?
15:19LAUGHTER
15:21No, and then my little sister also started doing work experience
15:24and she started sleeping with someone there.
15:26And then my third sister did not get offered work experience.
15:30LAUGHTER
15:31And while I was there, I got my dad
15:33to start taking the birth control pill
15:34because he found some in my desk and I lied,
15:36and I said that it was for Irish skin.
15:39LAUGHTER
15:40And then he was like,
15:41well, I've also got Irish skin,
15:42can I please have some of this?
15:43And I said, of course you can.
15:44I gave him a month.
15:45And then he started taking them, he loved it.
15:47He kept on his desk and he'd show me...
15:49Like, would you look at this, it's brilliant.
15:50Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Of course now he's living as a woman.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:57Well, I can tell you that Prince William's work experience
15:59at MI5 is not one of the most talked about things,
16:01but getting work experience at MI5 isn't as hard as you might think.
16:04All you need is a reference, a CRB check,
16:06and for your nan to be the fucking queen.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:09All right, fingers on buzzers.
16:10What else have the nation been talking about this week?
16:14Erm, well, Game of Thrones is returning for the final series.
16:18It's exciting, isn't it?
16:19That's quite a big deal.
16:20It's weird, people get excited about it, like, just a trailer.
16:23They're like, oh, the trailer's dropped,
16:25which I hate that word.
16:26You've got to be, like, under 25 to get away, we dropped.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30My mum the other day went, oh, that new trailer's dropped.
16:31I was like, I was really sick.
16:33LAUGHTER
16:34Let's have a look at the exciting and action-packed trailer
16:37for the new series of Game of Thrones.
16:39I promise to fight for the living.
16:44I intend to keep that promise.
16:49APPLAUSE
16:50I love it. You like it? You like it?
16:51Yeah, I absolutely love it.
16:52I genuinely think that there's a good chance in this final series
16:55we're going to see a dwarf riding a dragon.
16:56And if that doesn't become a Paralympic sport...
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01OK, maybe Game of Thrones is good for representation in some areas,
17:03but I don't like it because I think it's racist.
17:04You think it's racist?
17:05I think Game of Thrones is good for representation in some areas,
17:06but I don't like it because I think it's racist.
17:07You think it's racist?
17:08I think Game of Thrones is racist.
17:09Like, OK, fine, they've got these characters called the White Walkers,
17:11which is who I think...
17:12Nigel Farage was leading from Sunderland to London.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:14Even, like, Jon Snow said he'd never seen so many white people
17:16in the world.
17:17I absolutely love it.
17:18I absolutely love it.
17:19I genuinely think that there's a good chance in this final series
17:21we're going to see a dwarf riding a dragon.
17:23And if that doesn't become a Paralympic sport...
17:25LAUGHTER
17:27OK, maybe, maybe, uh, Game of Thrones is good for representation
17:29in some areas, but I don't like it because I think it's racist.
17:32You think it's racist?
17:33I think Game of Thrones is racist.
17:34Like, OK, fine, they've got these characters called the White Walkers,
17:37which is who I think Nigel Farage was leading
17:39from Sunderland to London.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:44There's a lot of people in one place and he's like the main character.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48They call it Game of Thrones, but it's not a game, is it?
17:50Don't...
17:51Fucking your sister's a choice.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:55What's weird about it is, though,
17:57he got criticised, didn't he, for too many boobs?
17:59It was all dragons and tits.
18:00So, when, oh, it's the dragons and tits show, right?
18:02LAUGHTER
18:03Too many boobs, but then what happened was, they went,
18:05OK, let's balance it up, get some dicks on screen.
18:08OK, that's fine.
18:09And it went well dick-heavy.
18:11I would say it's more dick-and-dragons than tit-and-dragons.
18:15LAUGHTER
18:16But it's still got the reputation for being booth-heavy.
18:18Well, Anna, I mean, people in glass houses and all,
18:20I don't think...
18:21Are you always a 50-50 split of dick and tit?
18:24No, we're a little bit tit-heavy, I think.
18:26Are you?
18:27I think so.
18:28More tit than dick, I suppose,
18:29cos there's always one dick, two tits.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:31Oh, exactly, just...
18:32It's math.
18:33It's simple math.
18:34Jon, are you a big fan of Game of Thrones?
18:35Do you watch it?
18:36Er, obviously.
18:37It's very hard to watch in the afternoon.
18:39Your son walks in, it feels like porn.
18:41It is drama.
18:42LAUGHTER
18:43But you have to rush for the remote control and go,
18:46what are you watching?
18:47A drama!
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50It's not like soft porn.
18:52The only person it's pornography for is Donald Trump.
18:55Have you seen that wall?
18:56Oh, he loves it.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:58Look at that wall keeping them all out, that's what they need.
19:01Alex's favourite character?
19:03I do like Tyrion, obviously, representing the Blue Badge crew.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08Also, the first couple of series,
19:10he was smashing anything as well, so...
19:12Spoiler alert!
19:13I've not got that far.
19:14LAUGHTER
19:15That annoys me about it.
19:16People just go, spoiler alert!
19:17It was on four years ago.
19:19No.
19:20I had someone say that about the Sixth Sense the other day.
19:22Come on.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24Off you, fuck.
19:25Oh, I can't look forward...
19:26Oh, I can't wait till Christmas.
19:28Spoiler alert!
19:29I'm not that far through the Bible.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:35One of my favourite things is that it keeps getting bigger and bigger
19:38and more successful.
19:39Every series is getting bigger.
19:40And what I love about it is how angry Sean Bean must be.
19:43That he got killed off early doors.
19:45Oh, spoiler.
19:46Oh, f...
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48LAUGHTER
19:49APPLAUSE
19:55OK, let's see if it's up there.
19:57APPLAUSE
20:00Across Game of Thrones.
20:02APPLAUSE
20:03Game of Thrones has it all.
20:04A woman who had a baby with her brother,
20:06a man who had his penis chopped off,
20:08and a sex-mad dwarf.
20:09It's like they remade Jeremy Kyle in Narnia.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:14The big question is what a Game of Thrones fan's going to do
20:17when it all ends.
20:18I guess start knocking one out to Doctor Who.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:23So those were the most popular talking points this week,
20:25but in other news,
20:26the royal family attended a Netflix premiere
20:28at the Natural History Museum.
20:29Stuffy, boring and full of fossils.
20:31That's the royal family for you.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34Gender equality in football punditry
20:36was set back about 20 years
20:37after this baffling moment on Sky Sports.
20:40Take a look.
20:41Because after three wins in four,
20:42particularly after the win against Brighton,
20:44we're expecting he's going to be in a good mood.
20:46How significant was that last win?
20:48It was a huge win.
20:49I mean, do you think they now say
20:50Fancourt's clear relegation game in hand
20:52and obviously in good form as well?
20:54Yes, I mean, nine points out of 12 at this late stage.
20:57What's going on?
20:59APPLAUSE
21:00It's unbelievable.
21:01I love the fact she's still in the back of shot.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:06Donald Trump was in the news this week,
21:08trying to say the word origins.
21:10I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges,
21:13the oranges of the, uh, investigation,
21:17the beginnings of that investigation.
21:19The Mueller report I wish covered the oranges...
21:23LAUGHTER
21:25..the beginnings of the investigation,
21:27how it started.
21:29APPLAUSE
21:31Oh, jeez, I mean, he's only got a look in the mirror.
21:35Um...
21:36LAUGHTER
21:37And music legends The Cure
21:39were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
21:41This remarkable exchange really captures the excitement.
21:44It's so nice to meet you!
21:46Hi!
21:47Congratulations, The Cure,
21:49Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, 2019.
21:51Are you as excited as I am?
21:53Um, by the sounds of it, no.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:56APPLAUSE
21:57Oh, cool.
21:58APPLAUSE
22:03Uh, so, at the end of that round,
22:05Rob, Johnny and Anna have two points,
22:07Katherine, Sophie and Alex have one point.
22:09APPLAUSE
22:10That's it for part two.
22:11See you after the break.
22:12APPLAUSE
22:13Welcome back to We Are 10 Cats.
22:26Our next round is pick of the polls.
22:28Rob, Johnny, Anna, what do you like the look of?
22:30Um, we'll go to Anna.
22:31OK, you're going with the perfect fringe.
22:33Well, Anna, of course, presents naked attraction.
22:36So here's the question.
22:37Most people consider themselves to be body confident.
22:40True or false?
22:41You're the expert.
22:42Tell us, what do you think?
22:43Well, judging by my inbox and...
22:45Is that what you call it?
22:46I do.
22:47LAUGHTER
22:48So that's your inbox, that's your outbox?
22:52So, judging by my inbox
22:54and the amount of show hopefuls
22:56that send me their photos...
22:58Show hopefuls?
22:59Yeah.
23:00So you get sent a lot of dick pics?
23:01Yes, I do.
23:02And I love them.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:05I was sent, recently,
23:07a picture of an 80-year-old man
23:10standing in his bedroom
23:12with his cock out
23:13and just a pair of socks on.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:16I mean, he had an enormous, enormous penis.
23:18Shall we treat ourselves to a clip of naked attraction?
23:20Oh, please.
23:21Well, you have got six penises in your face.
23:24I mean, have you had this before, Zoe?
23:26Uh, maybe in my dreams.
23:28Yeah.
23:29No, no, not in real life.
23:30So, who do you want to look at first?
23:33Uh...
23:34I'm going to Blue.
23:35Blue's got lovely balls.
23:36Nice shape there.
23:38They are smooth, which I like.
23:40I like smooth balls because they are easier to suck on.
23:43Right!
23:44Blue, do you like your balls to be sucked?
23:47Oh, he likes to suck them out.
23:49Yes!
23:50APPLAUSE
23:51Come on!
23:52What's tasteful about naked attraction, Anna,
23:54is that they're always flaccid.
23:55Not always, Cathy.
23:56Oh, what?
23:57Have you had incidents?
23:58We do have to stop the show quite often.
23:59When it's...
24:00And we'll just say to the fellas,
24:01look, can you just go and sort yourself out?
24:02Yes, and then pop pop back.
24:03Sort yourself out?
24:04You know.
24:05I don't know what they do.
24:06What do boys say?
24:07I don't know what they do, but...
24:08Well, I don't know if they've ever had an erection on telly before, so...
24:09I've got one right now.
24:10Things are fine.
24:11So, is it fellas that are just trying to give themselves a little, you know, like, little jumpstart,
24:31just to get, like, kind of our way there?
24:34Yeah, exactly that.
24:35Yeah, the best thing to do is wank and then leave it and go on stage.
24:39How big is your penis, Catherine?
24:42That's a proper thunk.
24:44May I ask, what temperature is it in the studio?
24:47Because I would have real issues around, hang on, this is too cold.
24:50Well, the girls obviously want it freezing for the nipples.
24:53Why?
24:54Why is my ass so hot, then?
24:56It's always warm.
24:58All the boys want it really, really warm.
25:00Boys want it warm for a...
25:01Yeah, because otherwise the balls go up, don't they?
25:03The willies shrink.
25:04And the girls want it really cold, so the nipples are proud.
25:07So why don't you just give them different booths at different temperatures?
25:10It's expensive, Johnny.
25:11You can't have a self-contained air-con dick tube.
25:16We've done the show for quite a while now.
25:19What is the perfect penis?
25:20What are we looking for?
25:21Well, as everyone knows, that you want girth, not length.
25:24Yes.
25:25But...
25:31When you say girth, not length, you mean no length whatsoever.
25:34Mine's...
25:35I'll be honest, I'll add up, mine's a can of tuna.
25:37It sounds like a can of tuna.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:39Fishing!
25:40APPLAUSE
25:45If that's what they're after.
25:46As long as it doesn't smell like a can of tuna, I think we're going to be...
25:49It's spring water, not brine, don't worry.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53Can I just say, don't say to a girl, my penis is like a can of tuna.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57That's hockey puck.
25:59LAUGHTER
26:00I've got a thing where I've got a very small penis, but then I'm very wealthy.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05It works?
26:06That works.
26:07I can't run, body confidence.
26:09Oh, I'm very body confident ever since I found the right surgeon.
26:13LAUGHTER
26:14If anything, I'm overly body confident.
26:17Of course.
26:18I think everyone is beautiful, especially me.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21What do you think is everybody confident?
26:23I just, I don't like judging people on, like, the external features.
26:26I think it's what's on the inside that counts.
26:28I mean, I don't care what your dick looks like, but if you've got fat kidneys, fuck off.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:32But, Alex, what about you? Body confident?
26:35Size of my knob in these little hands, big time.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:39APPLAUSE
26:41I do think, as an income stream, the internet has opened up to...
26:48..there's an extra income for everyone everywhere.
26:51Because, currently, now, all I do is wake up the kitchen floor
26:56after I've had my breakfast, and three German men pair to watch.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01LAUGHTER
27:02And they don't necessarily want me naked.
27:07Some days they're going,
27:08Oh, you wore your summer pyjamas.
27:10And you're going,
27:11Yeah, sorry, testicle dropped out.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15And they just want to watch me clean up and do stuff.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19There's a man in Swansea, he wants to do things to me you wouldn't believe.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:25How much do they pay you?
27:27Well, the money's not come through.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:32If you've been affected by any of the issues...
27:34LAUGHTER
27:36APPLAUSE
27:38OK, let's get some answers on this.
27:40So, Rob, so, most people consider themselves body confident, true or false?
27:43I don't think they are.
27:44I think people, even if they were, would be scared to say they were.
27:48Catherine, what do you think?
27:49True or false?
27:50True.
27:51OK, I would like to think that it's true.
27:53OK, you're saying true.
27:54I can tell the answer is true.
27:56Yeah!
27:5756% of people do consider themselves to be body confident.
28:00APPLAUSE
28:02I'm body confident in that I'm incredibly confident
28:05the police are not going to find that body.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:08Now, before we carry on, as a tribute to Naked Attraction,
28:10we're going to play Carrot in a Box, Naked Attraction Edition.
28:13Rob, Catherine, come on down.
28:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:18OK, good.
28:22Regular viewers will be familiar with Carrot in a Box.
28:24The rules are simple.
28:25You each get a box.
28:26Yep.
28:27One of the boxes contains a naked penis.
28:29The aim of the game is to end up with the dick in the box.
28:32Bring on the boxes.
28:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:36Yes, it's a game of bluff in the buff.
28:40OK, in a moment, I'll ask Rob to look in his box.
28:43Why me?
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45If Rob doesn't see his chap's chap,
28:47then he'll have to bluff Catherine into giving him her box.
28:50Ultimately, Catherine gets to choose
28:52whether she keeps her box or swaps with Rob.
28:55OK, Rob, so you want a cock, Catherine?
28:57You want a cock, no change there.
28:59LAUGHTER
29:00But there's only one cock.
29:01Let's play Carrot in a Box, Naked Attraction Edition.
29:04Rob, can you look in your box?
29:09Oh...
29:10Catherine, you're not allowed to look inside your box.
29:12Both or what?
29:13Both, you want a proper...
29:15You don't want to miss a thing.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:17For fuck's sake.
29:18LAUGHTER
29:19I mean, I don't know what I was expecting.
29:22LAUGHTER
29:23I'll have a...
29:25Little beauty, innit?
29:26LAUGHTER
29:27Have a little bit.
29:28Do you like...
29:29Do we keep looking?
29:30LAUGHTER
29:31So, do you want to keep your box or do you want to swap with Catherine?
29:34There's a...
29:35I'm going to keep it.
29:36There's a dick there, Catherine.
29:37LAUGHTER
29:38Is there a dick in your box?
29:39Yeah.
29:40That's the closest I've ever been to one that's not mine.
29:42LAUGHTER
29:43That's a lie.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:48Do you think Rob's bluffing?
29:50Was it cut or uncut?
29:52LAUGHTER
29:54I can't give you a firm answer on that.
29:57Speaking of firm, how far...
29:59How is he pleased to see you or not?
30:00OK.
30:01Uh...
30:02Get down!
30:03LAUGHTER
30:04It's softer now.
30:05It's softer now.
30:06It's softer now.
30:07You just blew on his dick?
30:08Yeah.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:10He looks like he's retreating.
30:12I think it's panicked.
30:13LAUGHTER
30:14Are there any distinguishable features on the dick?
30:17Um...
30:18He's drawn a face on it.
30:19LAUGHTER
30:20And it moves when he laughs.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:24OK, so, do you think he's bluffing?
30:26Do you think there's a dick in the box?
30:27Or do you think you've got a dick in the box?
30:28I think Rob is bluffing
30:30because he's gone back to look at the dick so many times.
30:33LAUGHTER
30:34And Rob is a respectable family man.
30:36I don't think he'd be so thirsty for the cops.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:39I'm getting into it.
30:41OK, so it's time now for the Blindfolded Taste Challenge.
30:44LAUGHTER
30:47OK, so what do you think?
30:48You think he's bluffing?
30:49I think that there's a dick in my box.
30:51I think Rob's bluffing.
30:53I mean, there's a point for whoever wins this.
30:55So, gentlemen, if you could face forward.
30:57And the...
30:58Oh!
30:59Catherine's...
31:00Catherine's man, we would like you to open your box.
31:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:07Oh, no!
31:09So that's a point for you, Rob.
31:11But, I mean, it's worth saying you did look a lot of that dick.
31:14You looked a lot.
31:15You kept going back for more.
31:16LAUGHTER
31:17I thought, you know, it's a nice dick.
31:19Why not have a look at it?
31:20It's not very often you get to see a dick that much.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:23I'm relaxed.
31:24I'm a comfortable guy.
31:25I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
31:26If I want to look at a dick, I'll look at a dick.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:31And just to prove we were not lying...
31:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:41That's a point to Rob, everyone.
31:42Point to Rob.
31:43We'll see you after a break.
31:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:58Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
31:59And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
32:02Here is your first one.
32:03Hardest thing about starting a new job.
32:05What do you think?
32:06Catherine.
32:07Finding it.
32:08Young people today, they don't know what life was like pre-Google Maps.
32:12I came to the UK in the noughties,
32:14and you guys have streets that are like Lavender Ave,
32:16Lavender Road, Lavender Muse, Lavender Lane.
32:18I got lost, and I'd turn up just sweaty and upset.
32:22That was the hardest part.
32:23Oh, and finding out who the office prick was.
32:26LAUGHTER
32:27So I'd just drink out of every mug and see who got the most ticked off.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:32The worst thing about finding out who the office prick is,
32:33is sometimes it's you.
32:34It was me.
32:35LAUGHTER
32:36LAUGHTER
32:37What do you think?
32:38Worst thing about a new job?
32:39I find the hardest thing about starting a new job
32:41is, like, telling my co-workers apart.
32:43Like, no offence, Rob,
32:44but I think all white people look the same to me.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:47I've only just figured out that it's not Roger Federer hosting.
32:50LAUGHTER
32:51For me, it was people not knowing how to shake me hands.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:55Like, my first office job, I walked in,
32:58and, like, people were just like, what?
33:00It was like, you know in, like, Jurassic Park,
33:02when they see dinosaurs for the first time.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:05It was like, da-da-da, da-da!
33:07LAUGHTER
33:08And there's people like going...
33:10LAUGHTER
33:12Anna.
33:13Yes.
33:14You've had a few jobs.
33:15What was the worst thing about the first day?
33:16It might be, because I've done loads of different jobs,
33:18it could be finding out where the office toilet is.
33:21And I say this advisedly, because it's well known
33:25It's well known that within television there is a turd terrorist.
33:29This is genuine, absolutely genuine.
33:31So I was walking down the corridors of a well-known broadcaster the other day
33:34and I spotted what I thought was a teabag in the middle of the carpet.
33:39And I thought, who would drop a fucking teabag?
33:41So I went to go and kick it...
33:43No!
33:45You think they, like, pooed and just kicked it out the bottom of their trousers?
33:49Like that fella with the rocks on Shawshank Redemption?
33:52I've got to say, I know it's wrong, but I'm a little bit impressed with whoever that is.
33:56Rob, you've had a lot of jobs in your time.
33:59I think, normally, I mean, in a normal office, holding in a shit.
34:02What do you mean? Because you don't want to go to the toilet at work.
34:04I worked in an office and it was all women apart from one other bloke.
34:08So it was weird because there was only about 30 people in the office.
34:11So that if he had a shit, I knew.
34:14And if I had a shit, I knew.
34:16So it was a weird couple of weeks.
34:20So I had to hold it in for ages.
34:25And in the end, I just did it in the old way.
34:27I think, like, when you start a new job, you have to do everything,
34:33like, all the menial stuff really badly so you don't get asked to do it again.
34:36So, like, the first week in a new job, I'm just, like, making terrible tea,
34:40printing stuff off wrong, getting horrible blowjobs.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:44Well, on the subject of blowjobs, people getting...
34:48People looking for employment now have to take all their pics offline.
34:52Because I hire babysitters.
34:54My first thing is to go straight to their Instagram and see how big of a slut they are.
34:59LAUGHTER
35:01Pick a slutty babysitter?
35:03I don't want her leaving me for a better job.
35:06No, I have a lovely babysitter.
35:08LAUGHTER
35:09Johnny, have you sneezed on your jumper?
35:11Come in.
35:12LAUGHTER
35:15I did not want to interrupt the conversation over there,
35:18so I was going...
35:19LAUGHTER
35:20I was doing such an arse sneeze.
35:23You've never not wanted to interrupt the conversation in your life.
35:26LAUGHTER
35:28I got a sneezing fit, I apologise.
35:30I just was turning round going...
35:32LAUGHTER
35:33Not trying to make a noise.
35:35Anna?
35:36Yeah?
35:37Starting a new job, what...
35:38No, I'm gone!
35:39I had a sneezing fit.
35:40LAUGHTER
35:41I had a genuine sneezing fit.
35:43I was turning round, trying to sneeze quietly,
35:46I did it more down the left, the right is still quite heavily congested.
35:50LAUGHTER
35:51But...
35:52But...
35:53There's nothing I can do about that.
35:54I don't know why it came on.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:58Just wanted to be part of the team.
36:01LAUGHTER
36:02Anna?
36:03Yes?
36:04Anna?
36:05It's all right, I'll check me in the T-shirts and blow me fucking off.
36:08No, don't.
36:09Oh!
36:14Well, that must be...
36:15You've now got some sort of chest oyster.
36:17No, that's all right, I'm back in the game!
36:19OK, so, hardest thing about starting a new job.
36:21Sitting next to Johnny Vegas.
36:23LAUGHTER
36:25LAUGHTER
36:26Be careful, it's covered in snot.
36:28LAUGHTER
36:29So, the only thing about starting a new job...
36:31LAUGHTER
36:32Genuinely, genuinely, the only thing about starting a new job
36:35is going into the staff room for the first time
36:37and wondering what mug you can use.
36:39Well, you're quite close to that.
36:41It's about a first aid thing.
36:42Is it nerves?
36:43Yes, it is.
36:44Woo-hoo!
36:45APPLAUSE
36:46Just the hardest thing about starting a new job is first aid nerves.
36:50And I can tell you the best thing about starting a new job
36:52is telling your old boss to go and fuck himself.
36:54LAUGHTER
36:55Worst thing to do on public transport.
36:58Rob.
36:59Propose.
37:00In hindsight, it was a bad decision.
37:01LAUGHTER
37:03Isn't it really shit having a really bad resting face on public transport?
37:08LAUGHTER
37:09How did you...
37:10People think you're about to do something bad and you're not.
37:13You're actually going, I'm in my happy place.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:16Or the man who gets on and claims that he's a magician.
37:21He's got poisoned hands.
37:22He's looked biblically unwell.
37:26And he gets on the tube and he goes,
37:28Good evening, the gentleman that likes to a magic show.
37:31What's that?
37:32And you're here and you're going, Ooh!
37:34LAUGHTER
37:35I don't know if this happens as much as you think it does.
37:37LAUGHTER
37:39Anna, do you take public transport?
37:41I've not used the tube for 20 years.
37:43For 20 years?
37:44Yes.
37:45What have you got, like, an issue with it? Do you not like it?
37:47No, just because why would you go underground
37:51into a sealed vacuum where you just eat people's farts?
37:54Why would you get your dick out on telly?
37:56But you don't mind I was doing that.
37:57LAUGHTER
38:00I travel a lot on the tube, but I'm not doing it at Rush House.
38:02That's pretty easy.
38:03You use the tube?
38:04Yeah.
38:05I mean, he hires one out.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:08I'm in the dining car.
38:10LAUGHTER
38:11OK, all right, Catherine.
38:13Is the worst thing you can do on public transport
38:15to write a lie about the NHS on the side of it?
38:17LAUGHTER
38:23Sophie, do you travel much on public transport?
38:25I do.
38:26I think one of the worst things you can do on public transport
38:28is not give up the priority seat.
38:30Firstly, it's hard because, like, you get, like,
38:32priority seat top trumps.
38:34So you get, like, a pregnant woman with lots of shopping
38:36and then an old man with a cane and you're like,
38:38fight, fight!
38:39But also it's difficult because a lot of people
38:41have invisible disabilities.
38:43Some people...
38:44Rectile dysfunction.
38:45Yeah.
38:46I hate it when you're on a train or a plane
38:48and people take their shoes and their socks off.
38:51Yeah.
38:52One, it's fucking unhygienic.
38:54Two, fuck off showing off with your two feet.
38:56Yeah.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58When they take their shoes and sock off,
39:00I'll just go, oh, and I'll raise you.
39:02I'll take my old leg off.
39:03LAUGHTER
39:04If something gets on with precocious kids
39:06and the kids put the bags down...
39:08Kids on public transport are arseholes.
39:11When you say kids on public transport,
39:13do you mean kids on planes?
39:14Because kids on planes,
39:15sometimes if a child gets on a plane next to me,
39:17I do think, I sort of hope we crash.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:20OK, let's get some answers on this.
39:22Um, is the worst thing you can do
39:24talking to the driver, Jimmy?
39:26Because there's a sign that says
39:27don't talk to the driver,
39:28but that makes it a forbidden fruit.
39:30And I just want to know what's going on with them.
39:32Anything we're talking?
39:33Talking on your phone?
39:34That's the right answer.
39:35Oh.
39:36Yes!
39:37Yes, the worst thing to do on public transport
39:39is called loudly on the phone.
39:41And that's a survey of people
39:43who've never seen a drunk guy on a night bus
39:45shitting a carrier bag.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round
39:50and the end of the show
39:51and contended the final scores are...
39:52Catherine's team are the winners with four points.
39:54Yeah!
39:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:57Thanks to all our fans,
39:58our wonderful studio audience,
39:59and to all of you watching at home,
40:00that's it from us.
40:01Good night!
40:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE