First broadcast 18th August 2023.
Category
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TVTranscript
00:30APPLAUSE
00:32Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:37a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
00:40The show with a host who probably shouldn't have upset the autocue lady
00:42because she controls what I say.
00:44I've got a tiny penis, let's get started.
00:48First up, it's team captain John Richardson.
00:52APPLAUSE
00:53John appeared on the TV show Comedians Watching Football With Friends.
01:00I assume, alones.
01:02I watched it with my best mate, actually, Claire Sweeney, off of, uh, off of Brookside.
01:08Do you still keep in touch?
01:10I follow her on Twitter.
01:13My best mate.
01:16After you.
01:17And you.
01:18We're best mates, aren't we?
01:20Yeah.
01:22LAUGHTER
01:23Awww.
01:24Just do a joke about me being small and let's move on.
01:27LAUGHTER
01:28Fun fact, John is short for a man.
01:32Five foot two.
01:34LAUGHTER
01:35APPLAUSE
01:36Come on.
01:38OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's the Brett Domino Trio.
01:41APPLAUSE
01:42The Brett Domino Trio.
01:48They might be awkward, nerdy, dweebs,
01:50but there's one thing no-one can take away from them.
01:52Their virginity.
01:54LAUGHTER
01:55It's great that Susie Dent is here,
01:57because while she's here with us,
01:58she's not writing another one of her shitty books.
02:01LAUGHTER
02:02LAUGHTER
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04Tom Allen looks like an egg,
02:06which is probably the reason he loves having soldiers dipped in him.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:12Dad's be a five thing.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:14Don't get the time.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16Fun fact, Kerry is a big fan of the Sylvanian family's toys.
02:20Tiny, rat-like creatures that dress like oldie-worldie humans.
02:23Well, if we'd known that before, we would have put you on John's team.
02:26LAUGHTER
02:28APPLAUSE
02:31Susie, have you ever created your own word?
02:34At home, do you mean?
02:36Yeah, if you like.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:38So at home, if anyone had had a tantrum,
02:41we went to the growlery and...
02:43The where, sorry?
02:44The growlery.
02:45LAUGHTER
02:46I took myself to the growlery.
02:47I had no idea about that as a meaning of growler
02:49until Rachel, of course, always Rachel,
02:51informed me.
02:52And...
02:53And they followed this very surreal conversation
02:55where Rachel was just doubled over in the corner.
02:57She was doubled over, was she?
02:58LAUGHTER
02:59Rachel, probably best to explain it to him rather than show him.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04APPLAUSE
03:10My mother is watching tonight.
03:12Jimmy, if you want to dial down some of the vaginal references.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16Why?
03:17Does she take offence?
03:18Well, I mean, as...
03:20I believe she has one.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23I used to live there.
03:24Well, you'd know better than anyone.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26You were out too far.
03:27It was the front gate.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29You needed to get back a little bit there.
03:30Yeah.
03:31Yeah.
03:32Cos that's an uncomfortable pregnancy.
03:33Nine months, right in the vagina.
03:34That's a Channel 5 documentary.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36Do you look alike, John?
03:37Oh, I hope not.
03:38Uncannily.
03:39No, I don't think so.
03:40No, I've met her.
03:41She looks just like you.
03:42Oh, you have met her, haven't you, at the theatre?
03:43Yeah, yeah, we had a great time.
03:44Oh, that's so cute.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:46You met at the theatre?
03:47She approached me.
03:48She asked me if I could do a favour for her.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Have a chat with her son about the birds and the bees.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55I'm made of questions right now.
03:56You're at the theatre.
03:57No.
03:58I would be walking past the theatre and I thought to myself,
04:00they'll have a toilet.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02And then I went into the theatre.
04:03And, er, I mean...
04:04My mum said, I'm for a shit.
04:05And then I thought, oh, there's some shows on at the theatre.
04:07And I was sort of hanging about.
04:08And, er, I mean...
04:09My mum said, I'm for a shit.
04:10..and then I thought, oh, there's some shows on at the theatre.
04:13And I was sort of hanging about.
04:14And, er...
04:15The theatre, more than just toilets.
04:16Yeah.
04:17And then she came up to me, said, oh, hello, I'm John's mum.
04:20What should I do about it?
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22Chris, it's your first time on the show.
04:24Do you think you're going to be better at the letters or letters or letters?
04:26No, they'll have a toilet.
04:27They'll have a toilet.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:29And then I went into the theatre.
04:30And, er, I mean...
04:31My mum said, I'm for a shit.
04:32And then I thought, oh, there's some shows on at the theatre.
04:34And I was sort of hanging about, I don't know why.
04:35The theatre, more than just toilets.
04:36Yeah.
04:37And then she came up to me, said, oh, hello, I'm John's mum.
04:39What should I do about it?
04:40LAUGHTER
04:45Or the numbers?
04:46I can't see either of them.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49And, er, as far as I've been able to figure out,
04:52that's kind of fundamental to the whole game.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55I can't even make notes.
04:57And I like the fact you've even given me some paper and, like...
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01A pen.
05:02Just to rub salt into the wound, you know?
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05Just keep yourself entertained, Chris,
05:07if you could draw us a nice picture of some string.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:12Did the lights just get brighter or am I having...?
05:14That got really bright then, yeah?
05:17No.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:19APPLAUSE
05:21Oh, that's it!
05:24Oh, that's it!
05:25Oh!
05:26Is that genuinely true?
05:27Your kitchen extension was opened by the Lord Mayor of Birmingham?
05:29Yeah.
05:30I wanted a plaque on the wall of my kitchen
05:33and I thought about getting Paul Chuckle to open it,
05:35cos I know him quite well.
05:37And then I thought, I can go one better,
05:39so I emailed the Lord Mayor of Birmingham.
05:41The Lord Mayor of Birmingham.
05:42And, er, she said no,
05:44because it's a private event,
05:46so I made it public and I sold tickets to the public.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51Yeah.
05:52Sneaking in, a hell of a slam for Paul Chuckle under the radar, there.
05:56No, no, it's not a slam.
05:57I was going to get Paul Chuckle and I thought, I can go one better.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:00And get the Lord Mayor...
06:01That's like someone saying, I was going to book John Richardson
06:03and I thought, I could probably get the leader of Smithick Town Council here.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08There's a new downstairs loo as well,
06:10so I was thinking maybe get Paul to do that.
06:12A little plaque in the toilet.
06:13He could do the first shit.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16He could have a wank in there, I don't mind.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19To me, to you, to me, to...
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23APPLAUSE
06:25It was right there.
06:26It was right there.
06:27Sean, have you got a mask off?
06:29Yes, I do, Jimmy.
06:31I do very much have a mascot.
06:33And, obviously, I have to get up for this.
06:36But, erm...
06:37I have to, er...
06:39adjust my attire slightly.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43Yeah, I've got to go behind this screen.
06:45I'll just briefly explain to you...
06:47Well, erm, I've been asked...
06:50to, erm, reshoot...
06:52You know the opening sequences of James Bond films?
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56Do they have a, like, a silhouetted sexy lady?
06:59I'll just get undressed,
07:00and I think you'll be in for a bit of a...
07:02a bit of a visual treat, Jimmy.
07:04Why have they asked you?
07:05Well, this is why, Jimmy.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08I think because...
07:09I think you clearly...
07:11LAUGHTER
07:12I love it.
07:13Oh!
07:14Are you really taking your clothes off?
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17There you go.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:23So, Jimmy, there we go.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:30Sean?
07:31Yes?
07:32Where are your genitals?
07:33LAUGHTER
07:34There.
07:35Well...
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37There.
07:38Where?
07:39There.
07:40There.
07:41There.
07:42There.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44I can't really...
07:45You're probably looking up here.
07:47It's actually just there.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51Oh, no, there it is.
07:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
07:53Is that it?
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55LAUGHTER
07:56LAUGHTER
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58Anyway, music, please.
08:00Diamonds are forever...
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04LAUGHTER
08:05LAUGHTER
08:07LAUGHTER
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11LAUGHTER
08:12LAUGHTER
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14LAUGHTER
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17LAUGHTER
08:18LAUGHTER
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23LAUGHTER
08:24I don't need love...
08:25LAUGHTER
08:26LAUGHTER
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28LAUGHTER
08:29LAUGHTER
08:30APPLAUSE
08:37Consonant, please.
08:38D.
08:39D.
08:40And a vowel, please.
08:41And the last one.
08:42E.
08:43And your 30 seconds starts now.
08:47Now.
08:48MUSIC
08:58out.
09:02Now...
09:04LAUGHTER
09:07Might be the least-
09:08Who has been part of this?
09:10Did you ut i'd, of or, we judge it?
09:11That's good I like that
09:34Thanks for lending us this Susie
09:41Oh
09:47Harry would you like a bite
09:52Yeah, but she didn't get a sausage and in many ways the banana is just a vegetarian sausage isn't
10:03It's like owning a tortoise
10:11Oh
10:18Sean how many I'm afraid only six only six. Okay, Harry. How many six?
10:24John
10:25Seven rose seven creaked. Oh, what about dickers?
10:31Dickers
10:33Dickers like double dickers. Yes. It's your toy or fiddle. No dickers dick dickers
10:41Oh
10:45Harry your six Kaiser
10:49Kaiser is that Kaiser a word? Yeah, it is but you can't you can't have it as a verb unfortunately, but it's good for six
10:54I got kaiser. I didn't say kaiser. No, I know I know
11:01Feels to me Susie like you're you're throwing down. You're trying to cause trouble
11:04I don't have to come here. You know, I'm the voice of you being framed for Christ's sake
11:10Old lady falling over a wedding. Oh, dear. We can see her knickers. See you after the break
11:20Time now to go across the dictionary corner Anna Buxton. What have you got for us?
11:23Well, I've got some reviews for you reviews of Christmassy and
11:29in the modern online environment
11:32negative reviews bad reviews can really damage a business and
11:36a lot of restaurant owners now have to spend most of their time checking posts left by customers on sites like TripAdvisor and
11:46Google reviews and
11:48Respond to them for example the owner of this Indian restaurant in
11:54the
11:55United Kingdom we're not naming the restaurant for reasons that will become
11:59Abundantly clear very shortly for the sake of balance. Here's a review from someone called Tony who leaves a generous five-star review
12:07Most of the reviews for this restaurant were good. I'm gonna obviously read out mainly the bad ones
12:15enjoyable, but Tony
12:17says
12:18Great service nice atmosphere and fantastic food and here is the first response from the owner who says hi
12:27We do our best
12:29Thanks
12:30Then it comes to the less positive reviews
12:33Beginning with one from Luke. This is without doubt the worst dining experience. I have ever had in my life eat here at your peril
12:42As I was eating my main dish
12:44I noticed that several pieces of my chicken had clean holes
12:49punched through them
12:51Which made me think they had been salvaged from some leftover kebabs from a previous patron and
12:57reconstituted into my curry
12:59Spare yourselves a ruined evening and eat elsewhere
13:06Response from the owner
13:08Don't come to a business drunk
13:13You and your pretty lol girlfriend
13:15Come to my restaurant drunk
13:24If you believe that the chicken used in your dish was left over from another customer then why the hell did you finish your meal?
13:32You must also believe your girlfriend sleeps around
13:39Especially with your friends
13:41I'm beginning to wonder if she's been with your father
13:49Here's a review from Richard possibly the worst Indian food. I've ever partially eating in my entire life
13:56The lamb boona resembled slash tasted like canned dog food with so much sugar added it made me retch
14:04The poppadoms were so stale they tasted as though they had been hanging in a Asian food museum for five years
14:13That's one of the best museum
14:17Let's go look at the poppadoms
14:20The pilau rice was like rats droppings
14:23My wife and I left almost everything and refused when asked by the waiter to pay a tip that evening. We were both sick
14:33response from the owner
14:36Richard you are a sad pathetic
14:39I
14:41Doubt you even know what good food tastes like I am guessing that you caught your wife looking at another guy
14:49I'm giving him the week
14:52That is why you are angry and that you have taken your anger out on us you Richard are pure scum of the earth
15:01The lowest of the low I hope you learnt that being a liar is not smart pure idiot
15:09And here is your teaser the words are eat shit the clue is not so fast that's eat shit not so fast see you after the break
15:20I
15:38Welcome back the answer to the cheese the words were eat shit the clue was not so fast. It was of course hastiest
15:43Yes, I have it's the next phase of the
15:52sexually explicit
15:54Franchise that I've launched I've already made a sexy film and a sexy book. So now I'm launching
16:02deep clean the magazine
16:05Say
16:06Sexy
16:07That is properly from a service station isn't it? Well, that's exactly the market. We're going. Oh, it looks fantastic
16:12Are we okay to show this on television? Yeah
16:16Hello there guy in an apron
16:20So it's two pound fifty which I think is quite reasonable and we have big features each week
16:24So here we have sopping wet and gagging for more we review
16:28the UK's top mops
16:32This is one of our regular correspondents I polished his helmet till I was sore confessions of a firefighters cleaner
16:42We've got the regular features so a page three every week pair of soapy jugs
16:52Clean this week's big guest feature is an article on golden showers
17:00And then each week obviously we've got the classified ads so you can send in we've got our own abbreviations
17:05WLTM would love to mop
17:09GSO h good suction on Hoover
17:15Dirty magazine wouldn't be a dirty magazine without a centerfold so is a little something call them alphabetized DVDs. I
17:23Won't show it too much because they'll be going off across the nation
17:25But that's available in all fictional garages up and down the UK
17:36Okay, so playing countdown can be pretty tense, so let's help the players chill out with a countdown relaxation round
17:45John what would you find most relaxing well you would have to not be here
17:48What I don't like is
17:52This that's happening now
17:54It's sort of premise that it's going to be a relaxation round and then something's going to explode and I'm going to shit my pants
18:02Not going to explode it's going to be fully fully relaxing. There's nothing's going to go bang or pop. It's just going to be relaxing
18:07Okay, bring on the countdown masseuses
18:09Okay
18:11Oh
18:13Okay
18:15Holy crap
18:17Oh
18:19Oh, yummy
18:21Fucking hell, look at the size of mine
18:23The fuck
18:25Oh, fuck
18:27He's got like a great looking gorilla
18:29Oh, fuck
18:31He's got the lighting
18:33This is insane
18:35Jones looks like the hound from Game of Thrones
18:37Oh
18:39That's really
18:41Just a head massage, head massage
18:43Oh, that's all right
18:45Yeah, just that, just that, just go with that
18:47That and the cock-a-ball
18:49I'm so scared
18:51I'm very happy with mine, Jimmy, very happy
18:53This is lovely, she's working out some knots
18:55Oh, that's a bone
18:57You can't work bone out
18:59What's wrong with Joe?
19:01I can hear him laughing
19:03I can hear him laughing
19:05Oh
19:07I don't like being touched
19:09It turns out
19:11It turns out
19:13John, pick your letters
19:15Oh
19:17Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
19:19Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
19:49A
19:51Vowel, please
19:53Hey, we go back ahead. Can we go back to head massage for Joe?
20:04There's a lot of tension in that
20:19A
20:21Vowel, please
20:23E
20:25Consonant, please
20:27N
20:29Vowel
20:31I
20:33OK, so for the countdown relaxation round, your time starts now
20:37Oh, God, my Jesus
20:39What are you doing now? What? No, that is not going on my head
20:43Okay
20:45Relax
20:47Relax
20:49Relax
20:59Relax
21:00Relax
21:02Relax
21:06Relax
21:10Uh, Joe...
21:13I think I've got a nine
21:19Four I think I might know the four
21:27Colt
21:29Sean how many for for which which four did you get go
21:35John how many five
21:38alien alien
21:40Yeah, okay, and Kiri oh five by don't these the word well who cares you're relaxed
21:45Leighton l-a-t-e-n
21:49Susie is that word
21:52So relaxed I don't care. Oh, it's so lovely when it stops
21:57Joe you took that very very badly
22:00Oh, I can't still know
22:02Oh
22:08Okay, five points to John
22:19I'll just save myself. I'll be honest. I'll look a little bit disheveled
22:22All right, what have you been up to recently I went to a wedding a few weeks ago
22:30It's nice, but right it was weird because I'd slept with three of the men there
22:37And it was a small wedding. It's mainly family and
22:40um
22:44Mad though like what an achievement I should tell somebody and so I was quite drunk and I text my husband
22:52I got my tenses wrong because I was drunk and so I just said I've slept with three men at this wedding exclamation mark phone died
23:02Okay, I sure tell us something surprising about yourself
23:05Well, I think you'll find this rather surprising. You went at a wedding were you? No
23:13No, I
23:15You know those those ancestry
23:17Websites. Oh, yeah, yeah, you send off a sample of your DNA
23:21Which I did I had to do it twice because
23:24I always get saliva and the other stuff mixed up
23:28And uh, they sent it back with a quite an angry letter actually
23:31It's just the thing I've always get mixed up which oh god, that's why my wife does the christmas cards
23:50Used to take me days
23:56Time now to go across to dictionary corner mr. Swallow. What have you got for us?
24:00Um, so and I'm basically I was gonna show you like a little magic trick jimmy if that's okay, um, I have a niece
24:07and um
24:08Not nice friend. I got friend. That were weird. What?
24:13I've got a friend. Sorry. Anyway, he taught me this and
24:20And basically very straightforward i'm gonna do on you jimmy just because opposite and it just uses a ball and a cup
24:25Okay, and the idea is you just have to work out whether I get the ball like that and sneak it into my pocket
24:29Okay, or whether I leave it under the cup you get the idea. Yes. Yes, okay
24:33So would you say um jimmy and would you say that the ball is in my pocket?
24:38Okay, or would you say it's under the cup? Where would you say it is?
24:40I would say it's under the cup
24:42In my pocket real real question. Okay, so where is where is the um, where's the ball now?
24:47Under the cup. Now it's under the cup. Yes, and where is the ball now?
24:49It's on top of the cup. Yes, but if I do that and bang it goes through the side, but if I do it it does again
24:53If I pop it in my pocket, we can make it come back
24:55No, no, it won't make it happen. Hang on
24:59Genuinely not. Okay, hang on, let me just
25:02Okay, hang on, let me just
25:07And what's? We might need to rewind
25:11What happens now?
25:12Okay, so a one two three no
25:14Hang on, let me just work out
25:15Okay, we go and the creed and the color and the name
25:18No, no
25:23Where's the ball?
25:24No way
25:26I'm not joking. No, see right, Susie, just make a magical gesture over the cup. Just make a magical gesture go for it
25:30Okay, oh my god, all right, Jimmy Weasley, good grief
25:35I'll skip to the end. Right, Jimmy, where's the ball?
25:37Under the cup. Under the cup. If I pop it in my pocket, do you think we can bring it back for a third time?
25:44A third time? Well, second or third. I don't know how you're going to edit it
25:48What's that doing in there? I'm not joking. No, piss off
26:05No, they don't even fit
26:07Absolutely, no, I'm stopping that. No, move on. What even are they?
26:13Satsuma
26:15Satsuma
26:17Satsuma
26:21Satsuma
26:23Satsuma
26:25Satsuma
26:27Satsuma
26:29Satsuma
26:31No, it's sour!
26:33No, oh my god
26:35I can't know
26:37And here's your teaser
26:39The words are clean rod
26:41The clue is mines full of holes
26:43That's clean rod, mines full of holes
26:45See you after the break
26:51Satsuma
26:53Satsuma
26:55Satsuma
26:57Satsuma
26:59Satsuma
27:01Satsuma
27:03Welcome back the answer to the tease
27:05The words were clean rod
27:07The clue was mines full of holes
27:08It was of course colander
27:09Sean, have you got a mascot?
27:11Yeah, I have, I don't know, you've probably noticed
27:13I don't know who you're aware of about the similarities in my career path
27:15And Phoebe Waller-Bridge
27:17We both share quite a lot of, you know
27:19I don't, I mean I don't have quite as many
27:21Emmys or BAFTAs
27:23As she does
27:25I don't have a big Amazon, you know, TV deal
27:27But, you know, I have, she was asked to spice up the James Bond film
27:31I've been asked to do the same with the Carry On franchise
27:36They've asked me to make it a bit more gritty, a bit more realistic
27:39Give it an edge, you know
27:42And I agreed to do it, you know
27:44And I was wondering if, you know, everyone here would like to help me
27:48I've got some scripts in
27:50The thing I want to point out is like the old Carry On films
27:52They were quite full of innuendo
27:54This is very witty
27:56Be smart, you know, political stuff
27:58I've got scripts for everyone here
28:00There's one for Rosie
28:01Thank you
28:02So this is, this is not a Carry On remake
28:04This is a reboot of the franchise
28:05It's called Carry On
28:06Basically I've decided to do a Carry On film about Brexit
28:08It's called Carry On Brexit
28:09And it's really, it might get a bit heavy in places
28:12It might get a bit like, oh god, this is quite heavy
28:15So Carry On Brexit, everyone
28:17APPLAUSE
28:19OK, OK, so I start, I start
28:22Oh, so do you think we're going to leave Europe
28:25Well, by looking at the size of your poll
28:27I think we could be in or out
28:29I think it's sad
28:32Because we used to be a member state
28:35I'll tell you what is sad
28:36The state of his member
28:38Oh, look at the size of those melons
28:45You don't get many of them to the pound
28:48Or kilo
28:50See?
28:53See where it's different
28:54See what I've done?
28:56Very clever, isn't it?
28:57Do you think we should have a withdrawal agreement?
29:01I don't think we'll need one
29:03In your case, I think it'll all be over in a couple of minutes
29:06Very good
29:08Very good
29:09I'd just like to direct a bit of direction there
29:10Oh, so
29:11Tom, you're really good
29:12Thank you
29:13John, you're dog shit
29:15I'll go, er, Kenneth Williams
29:19Oh, well, no
29:21That's not in the script, John
29:23That's not in the script
29:24Don't think of your ass
29:27Yeah
29:28I...
29:29Oh, could I haunt you?
29:30The EU does have its knockers
29:32You've got it, you've got it
29:33Right, OK, I'm in it now
29:34I'm in it now
29:35You're telling me?
29:36You've been to Sancho Pay
29:37Fwoar
29:40I want us to leave
29:41Cos I don't like the French
29:46Not what I've heard
29:47You love a bit of French
29:49And Greek
29:50And anal
29:55See, look
29:57It's a hit
29:58People love it, John
29:59People love it
30:00It is, isn't it?
30:01Thank you
30:02Thank you
30:03I love that
30:04Thank you
30:05What do you think of the single market?
30:10Full of singles?
30:11All that crumpet?
30:12Just doesn't mind if I do
30:18I'm going to act and direct, you know
30:19And write
30:20Very good, John
30:21Yes, thank you
30:22Anyway, this is the...
30:23This is the clenching thing
30:24I think the Leave vote
30:25Was caused by multiple factors
30:27The disillusionment
30:28And the mainstream politics
30:30Which has failed to engage the general population
30:32Coupled with the deprivations of austerity
30:34Led to a perfect storm of negativity
30:36Which found an outlet in the referendum
30:38She's got nice tics
30:49Carry on Brexit, everyone
30:50Carry on Brexit
30:53Consonant, please
30:54Thanks, Bob
30:55White
30:56Vowel, please
30:57A
30:58Consonant
30:59D
31:00T
31:01And vowel
31:02E
31:03E
31:04And...
31:05Two consonants
31:06What?
31:07And T
31:08And V
31:09And two vowels
31:10V
31:11And...
31:12O
31:13And...
31:14A
31:15Is that it?
31:16No, you've got another hole
31:18Consonant, please
31:21Consonant
31:22And the consonant
31:23It's like a Jewish festival
31:24H
31:25OK, and your time starts now
31:28Thank you
31:29Thank you
31:30Thank you
31:31Ah
31:32Ah
31:33Oh
31:34Oh
31:38Oh
31:40Sorry
31:42Sorry
31:43I was
31:44You
31:45I was
31:46You
31:47You
31:48I was
31:49You
31:50You
31:51You
31:52You
31:53You
31:54You
31:55I
32:10Fuck's sake Susie Lucy how many how many?
32:25Balls
32:27You thought this round was how many balls are there?
32:31All right one two three five what one two three three five
32:35Bob how many? Five please
32:38Okay
32:39He's there
32:41Oh sorry
32:43Five please Jimmy
32:45Come on Susie put your back into it
32:51Lucy what was your five?
32:53Voted
32:55Okay Bob your five?
32:57A-hole
32:59I think that works doesn't it?
33:01I think it's hyphenated I think
33:03A-hole
33:05There's no A-hole for starters
33:07You're mixing this up with blankety blank aren't you?
33:09I think it's a George Formby song
33:11I was cleaning someone's A-hole
33:17John did you get it?
33:19No I didn't
33:21What did you get?
33:23Well 920
33:25But frankly
33:27I couldn't be fucking bothered to say it
33:29How did you do it?
33:31You did it with a three plus a seven plus the eight is 18
33:35Times 50
33:37Then four times five is 20
33:39Why didn't I figure that?
33:41Seven away
33:43And John can I confirm you don't want to have the points for this?
33:51No I didn't declare anything
33:53You didn't declare anything?
33:54I didn't think
33:55Too ashamed you don't need our charity
33:57It's all to do with sort of what coin you'll walk past
33:59I viewed that as a tuppence
34:01On the floor near a bit of bird shit
34:03Frankly
34:05Frankly I'll wait and see if there's a fiver wedged behind a wheelie bin
34:09Toppence is what I was brought up to call my fanny
34:13Toppence
34:15Yeah
34:17It's different in Anglesey isn't it?
34:19Yeah
34:21You name it after how much it is a go
34:23Are you wrong it after you?
34:25然后
34:33Rachel could it be done?
34:35If you say 8 times seven is 56
34:38Okay
34:39Take away the three чего
34:41Add the 50 for 103
34:43And then 4 plus 5 is 9 and times them together
34:47927
34:50APPLAUSE
34:52Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
34:54The Brett Domino Trio, what have you got for us?
34:56Well, I went to the dentist the other day.
35:00Jimmy, I don't like to boast.
35:04They had both of these magazines on the table.
35:07Trout Fisherman and Trout and Salmon magazine.
35:10And long story short, I've written a love song
35:13using exclusively headlines and articles from those two fishing magazines.
35:19So I'd like to play that now, if that's all right.
35:21I guess unless we have another option.
35:23Lovely stuff. Let's get set up.
35:28It's called Dry Fly Dreams.
35:36Well, I'm a fisherman
35:40Just trying to keep warm while wading out all alone
35:43Under the midnight sun
35:46Well, it's a pleasant time of day
35:48I'm asking myself
35:49Has the magic gone?
35:51Is it worth hanging around?
35:52Is our magnetic attraction just a memory now?
35:55I miss your sexy eyes
35:57And your cheeky cheeks
35:59Shooks
36:00Seems like a fairytale
36:01Like Beauty and the Beast
36:03Well, I may be small
36:04But perfectly formed
36:06Let's just do it, baby
36:07What you waiting for
36:08You'll like the bread to my pickles and cheese
36:12And ooh, ooh, ooh
36:14I'd like the ploughman's please
36:16You're in my dry fly dreams
36:22Whenever I'm fishing
36:24My mind just starts back drifting
36:26Wishing you were here
36:28Well, I'm not very superstitious
36:30But I feel the force
36:31My dream is now
36:33The voice
36:34Clear
36:35I know there's lakes are plenty
36:37But we are history
36:38And they're making
36:39So you'll stay with me
36:41In my dry fly dreams
36:45Dry fly dreams
36:47Well, I'm balanced
36:50Matched
36:51And ready to go
36:52I've got some things from my diary
36:54And I want to know
36:55If we use fish as a metaphor
36:57For our luck
36:58Just hear me out
36:59Tell me, baby
37:01How heavy is your trout?
37:02I'm feeling like a brother
37:05Wanna scream at
37:06Well, I could be your ultraviolet secret
37:09What's to catch?
37:11The best you've got better
37:12It's the dry fly dreams
37:17The great governor, Troy, everyone
37:26Got fizzy tuppence after that
37:33And here's your final teaser
37:35The words are earplops
37:36The clue is
37:37This happened to my anus
37:39That's earplops
37:40This happened to my anus
37:41See you after the break
37:42APPLAUSE
37:59Welcome back
38:00The answer to the teaser
38:01The words were earplops
38:02The clue was
38:03This happens to my anus
38:04It was, of course, prolapse
38:05Ladies and gentlemen
38:07This next numbers game is big
38:09It's time for Oxford maths graduate
38:11Paul Foote
38:12To go head-to-head
38:13With Countdown Math legend
38:14John Richardson
38:15It's
38:16The battle of the super nerds
38:27He's an Oxford maths graduate
38:28And I'm slightly better at maths
38:29Than most of the comics we have on
38:33Do you have any trash talk for each other
38:36Ahead of the battle?
38:37What's
38:3978 million
38:42Divided by 4,674
38:46I don't know, do you?
38:47Roughly
38:48I know roughly
38:51He owned him
38:52You know
38:55You guys have seen professional wrestling, right?
38:57There's
38:58Or like a big
38:59A big boxing match
39:00When they sort of hype it up a little bit
39:01And they get the purse a bit bigger
39:02Honestly, Jimmy
39:03I'm sitting between them
39:04And the electricity coming off the bed
39:08I've spent years being the guy
39:09Everyone expects to get the points at maths
39:11And it's delightful to have someone here
39:12Who'll do a good job of it
39:13Just enjoying being the cool one
39:15Yeah
39:18It's not cool not to know numbers
39:20Doesn't change the fact
39:21You haven't got a girlfriend
39:24I haven't got a girlfriend?
39:25No
39:26I've got a wife
39:27In fairness, Paul
39:28You don't have a girlfriend either
39:29No, I don't
39:30No
39:32And I haven't got a wife
39:37I've got numbers
39:38I've got numbers
39:39I don't need a wife
39:40I've got numbers
39:43You're in his head now
39:44And you're just kicking the shit out of him
39:47OK
39:48Paul, your turn to pick the numbers
39:50Just little ones, please, Rachel
39:51Good
39:52Oh
39:53Do we need make-up for John?
39:54Because he's, like, sweating
39:56I don't mind
39:57Stick them on there
39:58Stick them on there
39:59Yeah, he's getting lovely
40:03It's not so easy when it's just, oh, multiply 50 by 6 and that's 300 and then I add something
40:10This is proper numbers
40:11I don't mind
40:14I don't mind
40:16As long as
40:17It's the same teams
40:18When we do
40:19Cats Does Countdown Does Hole In The Wall
40:22Because that's due a comeback
40:23And I will fucking destroy the pair of your holes
40:28Cats Does Countdown Does Naked Attraction
40:30Well, I say we make the pilot tonight
40:36Six small ones again
40:41Fair enough
40:42APPLAUSE
40:43OK, let's see those numbers
40:47OK, all the little ones
40:48Two
40:49Seven
40:50Six
40:51Two
40:52Ten
40:53And four
40:54Please be twelve
40:55Please be twelve
40:56LAUGHTER
40:58All right, that'll do
40:59OK, and your time starts
41:01Now
41:32John, have you, have you, have you got it?
41:34Yeah, I've got it, but it doesn't matter, does it?
41:35Why, why are you crying, John?
41:38I've got something in my eye
41:41I've got something in my eye and I think it might be a sparkle
41:45Paul, have you, have you got it?
41:46I've got it
41:47All right, so, your first move, please, John, your first move
41:51Seven
41:52OK
41:54Paul, your first move
41:56Seven
41:58Let's speed this up slightly
41:59So what was your first multiplication?
42:01Seven plus four times six
42:03OK, and yours, Paul?
42:05Seven plus four
42:08Times ten
42:12Wait till you hear my next move
42:13OK, where you go
42:14Times ten
42:17And Paul?
42:19Take the two
42:21And keep it for later
42:25Steal Paul's two
42:30Stick it on my 660
42:31And see what he does then
42:34660
42:36Multiply by six
42:38Multiply by six
42:40Add the two that is mine
42:41Ayy!
42:43My right, that is my two
42:45Ten points to both teams and I believe Maths was the winner
42:48APPLAUSE
42:51Wow
42:55For what it's worth
42:56I actually went to the open day at Oxford and I thought they were all pricks
43:00For what it's worth they told those they didn't like you either
43:04They said actually they weren't taking on cleaners
43:06LAUGHTER
43:11Richard, have you got a mascot?
43:12I do have a mascot
43:13Now, many celebrities
43:15Let's use the term
43:16Yeah
43:17Have signature scents now
43:19Right
43:20Aftershaves, perfumes
43:21But I've decided the time has come for me to have my own scent
43:25Wow
43:26And here it is
43:27I'm very excited about it
43:28Wow
43:29Ambivalence
43:30You've got a little dimple, I've never noticed that before
43:35I'm right here
43:37This is a record
43:38You're facing that way
43:39No, but this is a record of this face, isn't it?
43:41It's not something in that that's not here
43:43You're always facing that way, so I can see it
43:45I'm not always facing that way
43:46Anyway, it doesn't take away the fact that I didn't notice that before
43:49OK, well, if you weren't so scared of intimacy, you might have known before
43:53LAUGHTER
43:54You could have called it meh
43:56I mean, that's generally the thing that people say to me
43:59most
44:00You're really drinking this dimple now, aren't you?
44:02Yeah
44:03I'm looking to see if there's anything else I've missed
44:05Yeah, now you know the good stuff's right here
44:06You can't even turn round
44:09Sure
44:10Rachel, do you fancy a bit of karaoke?
44:11Yeah, yeah, sure
44:12All right
44:14Ah, lovely
44:15Have we started?
44:18Your, erm...
44:20Your time starts now
44:21Yeah
44:22There's nothing breaking my heart
44:30I couldn't if I tried
44:33Or how did I get restless
44:37Maybe you're not that high
44:40Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
44:42Boo!
44:43Nobody knows it, nobody does it
44:49Right for the start
44:51I gave you my heart
44:53Don't go breaking my heart
44:56Rachel, I think your balls have dropped
45:07OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum
45:12How can Chris do this?
45:14How can Chris do this?
45:15Chris, the words are...
45:17I'm going to start the time as I tell you this
45:19The words are Bored Wank
45:24Bored Wank
45:25Bored Wank
45:36Bored Wank
45:42Bored Wank
45:43Bored Wank
45:44Bored Wank
45:45Bored Wank
45:46Bored Wank
45:47Bored Wank
45:48Got it!
45:49Got it? Yeah, go on, Chris
45:50I've never had this in me life
45:52I've got a feeling there might be breakdown
45:54Oh
45:55He's only gone and bloody done it
45:57Oh
45:58Yes
46:01Come on, Chris
46:05So the final scores are Harry and Sean have 19
46:07John and Chris have 49
46:09So congratulations, John and Chris
46:11You'll know the proud owners of this
46:12The Countdown American Football Kids
46:14Thanks to all our fans, our wonderful studio audience
46:18And to all of you for watching how you've met it from us
46:20Good night!
46:21Good night!
46:51Good night!
46:57Good night!
47:00Good night!
47:01Good night!
47:02Good night!
47:03Good night!
47:04Good night!
47:05Good night!
47:06Good night!
47:07Good night!
47:08Good night!
47:09And something you can see
47:11Well, you know, it's okay
47:13You can do the great ones
47:16All right!