Main Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/martincitopants
VOD Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChp9HmpAUJx2352TFlgaZdw
Editor: @MitchFrickingClark
VOD Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChp9HmpAUJx2352TFlgaZdw
Editor: @MitchFrickingClark
Category
🎮️
GamingTranscript
00:00Hello again, welcome back to the live channel. Today I become a thief.
00:05Simulator. In Thief Simula-
00:06You see, I've built up a bit of debt after spending my life savings on the
00:10ultra-rare Mao Zedong Funko Pop, and the only way I can pay off my debt
00:13is to steal. Jewelry, phones, toasters, pots, pans, your kidneys, cars, you name it,
00:18and I will sneak into your house in the dead of night and take it from you.
00:21As always, this was streamed on my Twitch and YouTube, so legume, resume.
00:27So, first things first, the tutorial. Picking up a crowbar, getting a call from my good pal Vinny,
00:33breaking and entering, getting ANOTHER call from Vinny, burglarizing a house,
00:37Vinny's calling again, shitting in this man's shoes, running back to my car with the goods,
00:40and driving to the safe house. So, with the basics more or less down,
00:43it was time to move on to more elaborate thievery.
00:46Greenview 103. This house has a package that Vinny would like me to acquire. Problem is,
00:51this guy lives here. But using my sneaky thief senses and this handy tennis schedule,
00:55I found out that he leaves the house at 12pm. So I hopped in my car, slept until 12, and snuck in.
01:25Vinny, I'm going to shit on your pillar, and steal your wife and kids if you call again.
01:40If it ain't broke, fix it with a crowbar. Word on the street is the toilet in Greenview 113
01:47is NOT broke.
01:55I go in, I take a huge shit. It breaks the toilet. Victory.
01:59Okay. Lock picking level 3. I need a- there's a- probably an alternate entrance somewhere.
02:05This. We're in the backyard. Aha! Okay. Ooh, this is a nicer house than the last two that I've been
02:13in. Shoes. Crease those. Shit in their pants. Shit in their pants. Oh my god, this house is huge.
02:19Oh my god, this house is enormous. What do they want me to do? Break their toilet? I can do that.
02:24I can certainly do that. They have a whole printer. I can take the printer. I'm gonna take
02:30the printer. Dude, I am loading the fuck up. There's the big ass printer. I've jocked their
02:35shit. Alright, let's go. Let's leave. Vinny! Go hawk your loot at the pawn shop first.
02:45Most items at the pawn shop are only worth a couple of bucks, but larger specialty items can
02:49be worth a lot more. $270 for the printer. Oh my god. I might be the richest man alive. I can
02:56then use this cash to buy better tools to break into more elaborate places, like this proper lock
03:01pick for $70, which I needed for the next job. Breaking into 104 and smashing their car's
03:06windshield. Break a car window in Greenview 104. Dude just wants me to just run amok and be
03:12generally a little silly. 104? This is 104. What am I- what am I- how am I gonna do this?
03:18Oh, what the fuck? Oh, I see. Huh. Okay. Okay. Oh, hi there. Ah! Scene by attendant. Run! No,
03:32there's police coming. Oh god. Oh god. I need to- I need to flee. I need to flee right now.
03:36The police! Ah!
03:43You've been caught. That was fucked up. That was really fucked up. My god,
03:49that was such a fast response time. Clearly, a white neighborhood. Okay,
03:54next time that happens, I'm jumping in here. Hello, anybody? Oh, they leave this window open.
03:59Okay, that's good to know. Okay, slowly does it. Oh, I'm so sneaky right now. Oh,
04:06this doesn't lead anywhere. Okay, there's a person asleep. Let's open all this slowly so
04:10they don't hear me. I heard something. I heard like a door. Oh fuck. Um, what do I do? What do
04:21I do? Police were called. No, no, no. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run.
04:26Into the bin. Into the bin. Into the bin. Go. Go. Go. Oh. Oh. I'm scared. I'm scared.
04:36Oh. What? They're gonna tow my car. Oh my goddammit. Goddammit. Okay, I understand
04:46this works a little better now. Why don't we drive the car? Park it in a bush. Hello, sir.
04:55Hello. This is another quite large house. Oh, wait. No, hold on. This is the Millers. This
05:02is not what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to... 105? V Davis. And then this is 104.
05:07The Jones. Okay, so I actually have to go into this house.
05:11Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Goddammit. Not again. Not again. Please don't
05:20tow my car. Please. That person is getting blocked by my car. Car parked in a strange place. This is
05:26bad. This is bad. This is really bad. That car is parked at a totally normal place. I need you to
05:32detect it. No. I'm not here. I'm not here. No. No. No. No. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run
05:50I can escape? Can I escape?
05:51FREEZE!
05:55I escaped!
05:56Dude, what the fuck?
06:00Not even close.
06:01Not even a tiny bit close.
06:03Clearly, I needed some help.
06:05So naturally, I went onto stealyourforums.com
06:07where I can pay a 14-year-old Taiwanese hacker
06:09to give me crucial personal details
06:11about the Joneses.
06:12I need the security tips.
06:14It's possible to climb to the second floor on vines.
06:17Right.
06:18Okay.
06:18Hello.
06:19Hello, sir.
06:21Oh!
06:22Okay, that's where the bedroom is.
06:24Why is it...
06:25Why is it below the garage?
06:26I guess that makes sense.
06:27Okay, let's climb up this.
06:29Oh, yeah.
06:30Oh, yeah.
06:31Okay, we're going sneaky mode now.
06:36Are they sleeping next to the garage?
06:38I think what I need to do...
06:40Speak up.
06:41Let's throw this overboard.
06:44Heard by a tenant?
06:46They're still asleep, though.
06:47This feels dangerous.
06:49This feels dangerous.
06:51Okay.
06:52Now we have to be fucking sneaky.
06:56Okay.
06:56Okay, hold on.
06:57I need an escape route
06:59in case the police do get called.
07:01Can I open the garage door?
07:03I also need to take the guitar.
07:05I can just fit the entire guitar in my backpack.
07:07That's cool.
07:07Okay, I see the...
07:08I see the switch.
07:09Oh, fuck.
07:12Nothing to see here.
07:19Uh...
07:21Ah!
07:22Run away!
07:23Heard by a tenant.
07:24Oh, they didn't...
07:28When does the other person get home?
07:30And also, when does this person move?
07:32They're in the kitchen.
07:34No.
07:34Oh, they're about to go to the kitchen.
07:36Do I really want to steal more shit?
07:37I'm kind of scared.
07:42Oh, fuck.
07:45I'm gonna hide
07:46just in case they come up.
07:47Uh-oh.
07:48Uh-oh.
07:49Uh-oh.
08:04Fuck.
08:05What are they doing?
08:05They're at the garage.
08:07I gotta go upstairs.
08:07I gotta go upstairs.
08:08Then jump off the balcony.
08:10I have no other option.
08:12Ah!
08:13Oh, the door's locked.
08:15Fuck.
08:15Fuck, I gotta...
08:17Quick.
08:18Quick.
08:18Quick.
08:19No.
08:19No, no, no.
08:20No, no, no, no.
08:22Yes?
08:25Okay.
08:28Okay, we're gonna take the small TV.
08:30And that'll be that.
08:32That's our heist.
08:33No.
08:33No, let me off.
08:34Let me off.
08:35Let me off.
08:35Let me off.
08:37Why can't I leave?
08:38Oh, fuck, I have to climb down.
08:40Do I risk it?
08:40No, no, I'm not gonna risk it.
08:41I'm just gonna leave.
08:42I'm just gonna leave.
08:43Whistling
08:45Clean getaway.
08:47Oh, that's a lot of stuff.
08:48S-Rank.
08:49Smash the toilet.
08:50Fuck, I forgot to smash the toilet.
08:52After I'd pawned all my new possessions,
08:54I was able to buy this electric lock pick
08:56before Vinny gave me the next job.
08:59Fucking this guy.
09:01Greenview 108 spends way too much time in front of the TV.
09:05Be a good neighbor and help him out.
09:08Greenview 108, huh?
09:09Okay.
09:10It's time to break a TV at 108
09:13and then run away like a little baby.
09:15Ooh, fuck, this is a big place.
09:17Ooh, they've got, like, shutters.
09:19Mmm, big TV, huh?
09:22Climb the vines?
09:24I hear someone.
09:24I don't know where they are.
09:26Okay, they're all on the lower floor.
09:27Can I...
09:28There we go.
09:29Tenant routine discovered.
09:30Okay, okay.
09:31They're not...
09:32They're not down...
09:32They're not upstairs.
09:33Quick, quick, quick.
09:34Nice and fast, nice and fast.
09:36Oh, fuck.
09:38Oh, fuck.
09:39Oh, shit.
09:42I'm scared.
09:43I'm scared.
09:44Where are you going?
09:45Where are you going?
09:46Okay.
09:47Okay.
09:49What is this?
09:52What is this?
09:56Okay, that works.
09:57Oh, I should probably try to steal it.
09:59Can I open this window?
10:01I can, I can.
10:02Okay.
10:03Give me all this shit.
10:04Give me all this.
10:07Hey.
10:09Your television is mine, sir.
10:13Climb out the window.
10:14Drop down.
10:15Grab the TV.
10:16Get the TV nice and wet.
10:17Yep, water the TV a little bit.
10:19That's important.
10:20In it goes.
10:23And off we go.
10:24Smash the toilet.
10:25Fuck, I didn't...
10:26I didn't smash their toilet.
10:27After several heists without any toilet breaking,
10:29Chad was starting to turn on me.
10:31Martin, if you don't smash a toilet,
10:32I'm going to cry sad face.
10:34I need to smash a toilet.
10:35Okay, hold on, hold on.
10:36Fortunately, the next job Vinny asked me to do
10:38also included several side jobs I could take.
10:40And one of these side jobs
10:42was breaking a toilet.
10:43Okay, I'm doing it.
10:44Break their window?
10:45Sure.
10:46Break their wine glasses?
10:47Yeah, why not?
10:48And with three hours of no one in the house,
10:49this was my chance.
10:51Okay, I think I can just park, like,
10:53in their house.
10:54It's time to get in there
10:55and just break a bunch of shit.
10:57Okay.
10:58Cash.
10:59$150.
11:00Damn.
11:01Damn.
11:02Damn, okay.
11:03More cash.
11:04More, another $150.
11:05Damn.
11:06I can steal their TV.
11:07Router.
11:08Uh, playing with bars.
11:09Printer.
11:10Take the printer.
11:11Um, okay, what are the other tasks I have to do?
11:13I have to...
11:14steal their jewelry?
11:16I'm moving so fast.
11:17Heirloom bracelet.
11:18That's mine now.
11:20Another TV.
11:21Don't mind if I do.
11:23What?
11:24Break the toilet.
11:25Gah!
11:26What is it?
11:27Break the window on the second floor?
11:28Any window?
11:29Okay, that works.
11:30Moving just so fast.
11:31Okay.
11:32Okay, I need to...
11:33I need to...
11:34I need to move all their goods.
11:37I just threw it at my car.
11:38That damaged the dickhead.
11:40Burglary discovered by tenant.
11:41Oh!
11:42I gotta look.
11:43I gotta run.
11:44I gotta run.
11:45I'm going into the forest.
11:46I can't be found in the forest.
11:47And we get away.
11:49Oh!
11:50Holy shit.
11:52Now that...
11:53is freaking epic.
11:54Clearly, I was getting pretty good at this whole thieving thing.
11:57So for my next job, Vinny wanted me to retrieve some important documents from a safe in 102.
12:02Be a good debt slave and check it out for me.
12:04Be a good debt slave?
12:05Be a good debt slave?
12:06That's a wild sentence.
12:07Okay, debt daddy.
12:09I'll do it.
12:10Obviously, I had to first learn how to crack a safe.
12:13So I spent all my money on some very expensive safe cracking tools
12:16and practiced with them in my workshop.
12:18What?
12:23Shit.
12:27We did it!
12:28Now that I was prepped, it was time to head over to 102.
12:30Only, when I got there, I discovered I couldn't actually get into the house.
12:34Okay, I can jump in.
12:35But I need the glass knife to actually, like, open this.
12:38I have to reassess.
12:40Oh.
12:41Shit.
12:42Turns out, I needed the very expensive glass knife to break in.
12:45And I...
12:46was broke.
12:47Which meant only one thing.
12:49More stealing!
12:51Okay, well.
12:52Is there another place I can steal from?
12:54Can I get some more money?
12:55This house is enormous.
12:56The Diddle House.
12:57Oh, what the hell?
12:59Huh.
13:00Interesting.
13:01Okay, I really just wanna see if I can find a house that's got no one in it.
13:05Hello, sir.
13:07Go right ahead.
13:11Smooth-ass head.
13:13Oh, he vanished.
13:14Okay, let's go.
13:15It's time.
13:16We're in.
13:17I should've taken some thug jobs.
13:19And done a bit of thuggery.
13:20So I could do shit like this.
13:24Oh, fuck.
13:25Police called.
13:26No, no, no, no, no.
13:27No, no, no, no.
13:28Fuck.
13:29Shit.
13:30Ah!
13:31Ah!
13:32Ah!
13:33Ah!
13:34Where is he?
13:35There he is.
13:36The policeman.
13:37Okay.
13:38Could've done a better job.
13:39I'm just gonna run around and spy on people.
13:41Like, this place.
13:44Really fucking sneaky.
13:48Ah!
13:49Ah!
13:50I need to leave.
13:51I need to leave.
13:52I need to leave.
13:53Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
13:54Shit, there's police.
13:55There's police.
13:56There's police.
13:57Back it up.
13:58No, no.
14:00Oh, my God.
14:01Oh, my God.
14:02No.
14:03Okay.
14:07Open sesame.
14:08Okay, no one's home, clearly.
14:09Moving fast.
14:10Moving with aggression.
14:11Breaking the toilet with aggression.
14:13Ooh, there's a safe.
14:14Okay.
14:16Uh-oh.
14:18Ah!
14:19Ah!
14:20Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run.
14:21How do I get out?
14:22How do I get out?
14:23How do I get out?
14:24Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
14:25In the bin.
14:26No, I can't go in the bin.
14:27My car's in the way.
14:28It's not a car.
14:29It's not a car you dicken.
14:30Oh, my God.
14:31No, they're converging.
14:32Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
14:35Into the bushes.
14:36And we make our escape.
14:39Break their toilet.
14:40The voices in my head telling me to break their toilet.
14:43What if I ran in, broke everything, and then like dipped as fast as possible?
14:48Steal it by assaulting them with a crowbar.
14:50I don't know.
14:51This is probably a terrible idea.
14:54Burglary discovered by a tenant.
14:56Uh-oh!
14:57The police are coming. The police are here
15:00Get the fuck out of my way
15:04Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
15:09I'm so fucking shit at this game. Alright going in I really hope no one on the street can see me do this
15:18Seen by a camera. Oh no, no no no no no, no, no. No, no, no. No. Give me it. Give me it. I need to go
15:23There we go! Whoa! Le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-NO!!!!
15:26Okay, let me run around the back real quick.
15:28Turn off the security system...
15:29Okay.
15:30Do that...
15:31Shut that off.
15:32Okay, now we have four minutes of fucking their shit up.
15:34Alright, we're in.
15:36What are we looking for? We're looking for electronics.
15:37Oo, microwave could be kinda good.
15:39Coffee machine? That's pretty good.
15:40$150? Nice.
15:42I don't have any jobs but I'll smash the toilet anyway.
15:44Oo, that's a nice TV.
15:45I'm bringing that to the ga-
15:47ASAP?
15:48Oh, safe!
15:51Beautiful!
15:52Bracelet. Ooh, nice! Two bracelets. Okay, they could be home. They could be coming home. Very nice. And a smooth getaway.
16:00After pawning all my new goods, I was finally rich enough to buy the glass knife.
16:04So I went back to 102 that night when no one was home to break in.
16:07But, every single window had shutters on it.
16:10Which meant I was gonna have to return during the day and steal the documents while they were both still in the house.
16:16I need to- fuck, this is tough. Okay, let's go around the back. It's easy to climb the fence in the back.
16:22Okay, then let me climb it, you dickhead. Okay, how does this glass knife work?
16:28I see.
16:30That's really cool.
16:32Oh, wait, where's the safe? The safe is over there. Okay, this feels dangerous, but whatever.
16:38Ooh, shit.
16:42Okay.
16:46Okay.
16:49Just like that. That was so fast.
16:53Documents, money, VARs in the safe for some reason.
16:57Money as well. Metallic VARs. That's mine.
17:02Back out the window. Climb the fence.
17:04And we make our escape. All right, nice. Nice.
17:07Once back at my safe house, Vinny gave me a new job at house 204.
17:11This house was in the next neighborhood over, Ritchie R Street.
17:14And the houses here were much larger and more secure. The job was simple.
17:18Take this package and leave it in the bedroom. Must be some kind of prison. So I went to the prawn shop.
17:24Oh my god, this VARs is $1,500.
17:27Oh my god, I'm so rich!
17:29And use the cash to buy a micro camera. A sneaky little device you can place in someone's mailbox,
17:34which gives me an accurate schedule of who's home and when.
17:37So I put the camera in the mailbox at 204, and found out that no one was home between midday and 3pm.
17:42So naturally, I ignored that shit and went straight in.
17:46Right, if I stand in there, then I get seen by the camera. I see.
17:51Okay.
17:53Seen by camera! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
17:55Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
17:59Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee! Flee!
18:02Honestly, I don't know how that went wrong.
18:04So, I decided to come back the next day and try again.
18:07Oh, that person's here. What?
18:09There's another camera there.
18:14Okay.
18:15Avoid the cameras.
18:17Avoid the sleeping person.
18:19Honk-me-me-me-honk-shoo type shit.
18:21Can I get in this door?
18:23This is probably more risky than it needs to be, but whatever.
18:29Is this person real?
18:30They are real.
18:34He's so sleepy.
18:37He's so sleepy.
18:39RUN!
18:42RUN!
18:44RUN!!
18:46How did she wake up?
18:47That was bullshit.
18:48That was bullshit.
18:49Bulshit.
18:50That was bullshit.
18:51That was bullshit.
18:52Bullshit.
18:53Bullssssss…
18:54Bullshit…
18:55Oh god the police are moving.
18:56Go.
18:57Go.
18:58Go.
18:59Go.
19:00Oh, there's more police.
19:02There's more police.
19:03What do I do?
19:04Reverse.
19:05No, no, no.
19:06Now accelerate.
19:07Go, go, go, go.
19:08I think I'm just gonna flee. I'm just gonna flee the scene. Oh, he's almost on me
19:15Okay, we'll try that again we'll try that again this time not spooking the person
19:20Okay, it's time to burgle. Is that a laptop? Oh my god. It is my laptop. Are they still there? No, they're not
19:29Cut that shit open jump on in speed headset. Oh nice
19:36Put that in there, take that money
19:38Get that iMac. They're gonna come home very fucking soon. I should probably just dip
19:43Let's go and I'm out and I'm gone. Ritchie R Street had some pretty nice houses
19:48So while I was in the neighborhood
19:50I wanted to use the micro camera to see if any other houses were empty and lucky for me the tenants at 201
19:55We're about to leave. They're out of the house. They probably have security. Yes, they do
20:05I need a hacking PDA to open that. Okay, but I can just open this
20:09In go jump leap. Okay. What am I doing? What am I looking for? I'm looking for electronics
20:16high-value items
20:17TV
20:18TV's good. Oh, oh console
20:21Xcube console
20:23I think I should take them. Oh, it's worth a lot. I don't know because I can't drop my thing
20:29Uh oh, not the right place to be
20:32Antique chair, I'm taking the chair. Oh
20:39Hi there, okay, they're gonna come back in
20:4245 minutes. I need to get a move on. It's already gone through this one
20:47That's worthless. Can I break?
20:51Toilet obliterate the toilet obliterate the toilet very important that I do that. Okay, I gotta go
20:56I got it. I got a dip. I gotta I gotta get a runaway
20:58Yeah
21:00Okay, they're gonna come home and realize the house is burgled so I need to fucking leave. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god
21:05Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no reverse reverse reverse reverse
21:15Shit oh that sucks. Okay. Anyway, let's do that again. Let's do that again. But a bit faster this time
21:21Where's that camera? There's camera one. There's camera two. Okay, let's go in through the window. Shut it open BAM
21:27In okay antique violin, that's kind of cool. Take the antique chair. It's very important that I take the antique chair
21:36Take the TV. Oh, yes the game consoles
21:40Avoid the cameras
21:43Avoid the person
21:45Open the trunk throw the TV in go back for the chair. Very important that I steal this antique chair chair goes in I
21:53Go into the car and we leave and we leave sell those antiques. Oh, yes, I can
22:00$5,000 $4,000. I'm rich. We'll go to the prawn shop and trade it all in for some prawns. Oh my god
22:08That's cash. Holy fuck
22:13$21,000 my god after an extremely lucrative heist
22:16I was loaded and Vinny finally thought it was time for me to go for the big one
22:21Stealing a car one last opportunity to repay all of my debt in a single heist and our good friends the Joneses back at
22:27104 was the perfect place to test my new skills. Okay, it does actually get harder
22:33Steal the bolt-on 86 classic from 104. Ooh, I get to steal shit
22:38I get to steal shit as if I haven't been doing that this entire game. All right 104 you fucks
22:44Okay
22:47730 p.m. Right now bedroom living room kitchen and then garage at 10 p.m
22:52So we have like a while for that to work. Oh, okay. This this could be it. This could be it's huge
22:58This doesn't make any noise
23:02Oh
23:07Shit
23:15Oh what's happening, what are they doing? Yeah, they're just moving
23:26Close the door
23:34Break that toilet. Why does it say that break a window $200? I need a car lockpick gun. I'm gonna kill myself
23:45Burglary discovered
23:48Back it up back it up back it up back it up. Okay, I gotta buy a car look
23:51I did not realize what Vinnie forgot to tell me was that I needed a car lockpick gun
23:58fucking dickhead use pocket finned
24:02pocket fit and
24:04Then they assume the fence stance
24:06Okay, we're gonna come back. We're gonna we're back with a vengeance this time
24:11She's standing there stanced up like that. Okay, slowly does it
24:18This electric lockpick is really nice. Open the door slowly. What is she doing?
24:26Fucking God he's in the garage. Okay. He's in the garage for a bit. Oh
24:35What is you doing boss
24:38What is you doing boss
24:41Come on buster
24:43They're moving. Okay, they're going downstairs. Okay, this is this is my chance. Okay, they're both downstairs. This is good. This is good
24:49slowly open the door
24:51slowly close the door
24:54Okay, first things first. I need to
24:56I need to
25:05Terrible noise open that slowly. I open the garage door first. I think I should I can just leave
25:19Interact um, what
25:26Okay
25:28Okay
25:30I'm out of here. I'm fucking out of you. Goodbye
25:33Yes, I had done it. I'd become the perfect thief. Nothing could stop me. I can break into anything
25:38I could steal the Declaration of Independence. I could steal your kidney. I could steal everything from those mansions over there
25:43In fact, I think I'm gonna do just that. Oh
25:46my fucking God
25:49Enormous house. I need like a garage remote to get in there. I don't know I can just get in I'll make some noise
25:56See if I see if anyone's home
26:00There's someone
26:01Fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. Oh, no, I can't leave. I can't leave. What do I do?
26:09What do I do? I can't leave. I'm so fucked. I can't
26:16Anyway that's the end of the video