When a group of forum users decide to play a colony simulation game together, their plans go awry and the game rapidly falls apart.
Special thanks to The LP Archive for making this video possible and facilitating the hours of enjoyment that Something Awful's Let's Plays have brought.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fredrikknudsen
Music composed by Ryan Probert
https://twitter.com/ProbeComposer
Art and subtitles by DerEineSchwarzeRabe
Intro animation by Cora McKenna
https://www.instagram.com/coramck/
An Introduction to Dwarf Fortress: 0:00
The Succession Game Begins: 3:44
Foundations are Laid: 11:38
The Downslide: 20:01
The Lava Channel: 27:40
An Interlude: 36:42
Conditions Worsen: 39:04
A Glimmer of Hope: 47:37
The Cycle of Decay: 54:19
Boatmurdered Falls: 59:16
Special thanks to The LP Archive for making this video possible and facilitating the hours of enjoyment that Something Awful's Let's Plays have brought.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fredrikknudsen
Music composed by Ryan Probert
https://twitter.com/ProbeComposer
Art and subtitles by DerEineSchwarzeRabe
Intro animation by Cora McKenna
https://www.instagram.com/coramck/
An Introduction to Dwarf Fortress: 0:00
The Succession Game Begins: 3:44
Foundations are Laid: 11:38
The Downslide: 20:01
The Lava Channel: 27:40
An Interlude: 36:42
Conditions Worsen: 39:04
A Glimmer of Hope: 47:37
The Cycle of Decay: 54:19
Boatmurdered Falls: 59:16
Category
🎮️
GamingTranscript
00:00:00♫
00:00:14On August 8th, 2006, the earliest iteration of the game, Dwarf Fortress, was published.
00:00:21Developed by brothers Tarn and Zack Adams, Dwarf Fortress is a colony simulation game
00:00:27renowned both for its remarkable level of detail and its impenetrable level of difficulty.
00:00:33The game was nearly impossible to parse visually for new players upon release.
00:00:38Utilizing ASCII characters for its graphics, the screen initially appeared as a jumbled
00:00:43mess of letters and punctuation marks.
00:00:46There is no single canon world in Dwarf Fortress, but instead, worlds are randomly generated
00:00:52with unique historical figures, places, governments, and guilds, each titled using a constructed
00:00:59language whose words are combined to create absurd names for characters such as Melbill
00:01:05Drillpage, Jal Slopchone, and Ker Fisthorse, while places are given titles like Portal
00:01:11Rooter and Quake Roars.
00:01:14Dwarf Fortress' detailed nature extends to perhaps the most notorious aspect of the game.
00:01:20The body of each character is tracked to minute levels, including individual hands
00:01:25and organs, and this includes not only injuries, but also status effects, such as whether or
00:01:32not that part of the body is wet or dirty with some particular substance.
00:01:37Given that the player's control over the game is limited to delineating tasks that
00:01:41must then be executed by a dwarf, on their own time and at their own discretion, it is
00:01:47possible for chain reactions of events to occur suddenly and with little warning, their
00:01:52causes manifesting beneath the player's notice, lost in the shuffle of information
00:01:58with little way to immediately address them.
00:02:01Such difficulty gave the game its popular tagline,
00:02:04Losing is fun!
00:02:06Dwarf Fortress would quickly find an audience among internet denizens due in large part
00:02:11to its freeware model, downloadable from the internet, and it was particularly beloved
00:02:16by members of the Something Awful forums, who would share their experiences with one
00:02:21another, often in the form of a Let's Play.
00:02:25Before the establishment and widespread adoption of video hosting platforms, Let's Plays
00:02:30more typically took the form of forum posts describing a person's experience with the
00:02:35game, often with illustrative screenshots, and the bespoke nature of each Dwarf Fortress
00:02:41world and its confusing graphical style, meant that the game lent itself well to this
00:02:46sort of sharing.
00:02:48These stories would usually end in misadventure and catastrophe, much to the glee of those
00:02:53reading.
00:02:54What's more, since games of Dwarf Fortress are saved as discrete files, they can easily
00:02:59be shared with other players, and this allowed for a popular and unique method of play.
00:03:06Succession Games
00:03:07Organizing together on the Something Awful forums, players would take turns playing a
00:03:12save file and then passing it to another person after some amount of in-game time had passed.
00:03:18But, given that Dwarf Fortress has no clearly defined goals, nor any victory state, Succession
00:03:25Games often included half-finished projects and half-addressed problems, which would inevitably
00:03:30cause ruin for the settlement, and this would result in one of the most infamous and legendary
00:03:37gaming stories in the internet's history.
00:03:45In November of 2006, forum user TouretteDog made a post to the Something Awful forums.
00:03:52His introduction read, quote,
00:03:54Have you ever wanted to be a dwarf, dig into mountain halls, and fear unholy, amphibious,
00:04:00undead elephants that scale walls and murder your entire family while you sleep?
00:04:05Your wait is over, your dream is here, and that dream is the official Goon Dwarf Fortress
00:04:11Succession Game.
00:04:13End quote.
00:04:14The rules were simple.
00:04:15At the end of every in-game year, the player would save their game and submit the file
00:04:20to the next person in line, who would then play another in-game year.
00:04:25Notably, one of the questions in the FAQ section read,
00:04:29I'm not very good at this game, can I still play?
00:04:32The answer read,
00:04:33Hell yeah!
00:04:35Prognosticating a self-encouraged doom, TouretteDog wrote the prologue to this let's play to
00:04:40set the scene.
00:04:42Quote,
00:04:43In the year 1050, the dwarven civilization of Kynmelbil, the Oaken Tomes, exhausted the
00:04:49last of its minds.
00:04:51Driven by lust for gold and rumors of the priceless and all but mythical metal adamantine,
00:04:57a team of seven colonists was dispatched to build a new home for the dwarves of Kynmelbil
00:05:03in the Smooth Points of Pride.
00:05:06The first year of diaries from the ill-fated foreman of the mine were recovered, giving
00:05:10some hint as to the beginnings of the fortress that once stood there, if not its mysterious
00:05:16and presumably gruesome fate.
00:05:19End quote.
00:05:20Here, the conceit of the let's play was established.
00:05:23The players would take the role of an administrator within the settlement and write journal entries
00:05:28to detail their experiences, one after the other, cataloging their misadventures and
00:05:34thought processes behind their decisions, though this would not stop a player who believed
00:05:39that they knew better when it was their turn.
00:05:42Another challenge would simply be the location.
00:05:45As TouretteDog described it, quote,
00:05:47The new fortress site is truly in the puckered sphincter of nowhere.
00:05:52The nearest civilization, if you can call it that, is a goblin citadel to the northeast,
00:05:57but the guildsmen swears they've surveyed for precious metals and this is the best spot.
00:06:03There's also a river nearby, which means one underground, which means we can start
00:06:07our farm without much trouble once we dig to it.
00:06:11Of course, he waits till he's leaving to tell us the name of the site.
00:06:15End quote.
00:06:16Beneath this writing was a screenshot of text introducing the settlement.
00:06:21A new chapter of dwarven history begins here at this place.
00:06:25Koganu-san, boat murdered, strike the earth.
00:06:30This settlement, however, was not simply in a forest, but a wild one, replete with monkeys
00:06:36and, even more dangerous, elephants.
00:06:39Elephants in Dwarf Fortress are temperamental and powerful creatures, who will sometimes
00:06:44attack without warning if something draws too close, and once they have been angered,
00:06:49it's difficult to make them stop, short of trapping them in a cage or dispatching them.
00:06:55The problems that they posed quickly revealed themselves when the first trade caravan arrived
00:07:00in the autumn.
00:07:01Quote,
00:07:02Merchants trying to dodge the elephants.
00:07:04The bedding pools up to ten stone blocks and a rat skull.
00:07:07We really need to make some coins.
00:07:09I guess the trade depot was a good idea, but we'll see if we can finish it before they
00:07:14get here or get eaten by those bloody pachyderms.
00:07:18After the traders arrived, Tourette Dog lamented their limited stock, writing,
00:07:22Now riddle me this.
00:07:24What sort of soft-headed, beard-gnawing merchants brave goblins, mountains, more goblins, and
00:07:31then those damn elephants to show up with nothing but one piece of cheese and two rolls
00:07:36of cloth?
00:07:37These merchants, that's who.
00:07:39I noticed one try to eat his own ear coming in.
00:07:42God knows how they're going to get out.
00:07:45Fortunately, they're dumb enough to take some of these useless trinkets in trade.
00:07:49End quote.
00:07:50As Winter set in and Tourette Dog began planning a moat to defend the fort from attack, he
00:07:56recognized that the monkeys milling about in the jungle were more of a threat than initially
00:08:01believed.
00:08:02Quote,
00:08:03These are not cute little chimpanzees, oh no.
00:08:07These are big mandrills, pissed off and greedy.
00:08:12They feel justified in stealing anything not nailed down, and if they can pry something,
00:08:18for instance a dwarf's arm, loose, it ain't nailed down in their book.
00:08:22End quote.
00:08:23When a pack of mandrills broke into the fort, the dogs that the dwarves had brought with
00:08:28them gave chase, and during this altercation, a peculiar mechanic of Dwarf Fortress came
00:08:34into play.
00:08:35Birthing.
00:08:36Both characters and animals in Dwarf Fortress can become pregnant, and the birthing process
00:08:41is an unceremonious affair, with the infant simply dropping out of the mother instantaneously.
00:08:48And this is precisely what happened during the fight.
00:08:52Quote,
00:08:53One of our war dogs went out to fight the moth, which didn't go so well.
00:08:57A few more war dogs ran out and attacked.
00:09:00I have to say, I'm slightly terrified by them.
00:09:03One of the bitches actually gave birth while she was attacking, and her puppies joined
00:09:09in on the carnage.
00:09:11At the end of the day, the three mandrills were dead, and they took one war dog with
00:09:15them and injured another one and a puppy.
00:09:18End quote.
00:09:19With the host finishing a relatively uneventful first year, besides the birthing, the save
00:09:24file was then passed to the next person in line, a forum user by the name of Mariguana,
00:09:31who took to roleplaying a fed-up noble disgusted by the peasants around him.
00:09:36Quote,
00:09:37I came to this dump looking for a royal fortress.
00:09:40Instead, I found this hole in the dirt, complete with useless hillbillies.
00:09:46End quote.
00:09:47Almost immediately, migrants arrived, drastically increasing the manual labor force, but also
00:09:52more than doubling food and alcohol consumption, the latter being necessary to prevent the
00:09:58mood of dwarves from sinking.
00:10:00But right as these needs increased, another iconic mechanic of Dwarf Fortress appeared.
00:10:06Bay Moods.
00:10:07Occasionally, a dwarf will be overtaken by a bout of vicious inspiration, occupy a workshop,
00:10:14and demand materials for crafting.
00:10:16Should the dwarf's demands be met, they will create a valuable masterwork object,
00:10:21but should they lack the materials, they will eventually go mad and often become violent.
00:10:27Now, a dwarf had taken over the carpenter's shop, just as more quarters were becoming
00:10:32necessary.
00:10:33Mercifully, his demands were wood, which was plentiful, and shells, which were easy
00:10:38to acquire in the nearby river.
00:10:41Soon, the dwarf had created his masterpiece, Vodudib, or in English, Sound Syrup, a mahogany
00:10:49table.
00:10:50Its description read, This is a mahogany table.
00:10:53All craft's dwarfship is of the highest quality.
00:10:57It is encircled with bands of kapok and turtle shell.
00:11:00This object is adorned with hanging rings of mahogany.
00:11:04On the item are images of werewolves in kapok.
00:11:07Frequently, dwarfs will create artwork that reflects events in the world, including those
00:11:13that occur in the settlement, and while little had happened in Boatmurdered yet, this would
00:11:18very soon change in ways that would be paid homage in horrifying representations, encouraged
00:11:24by the player's mistreatment of the dwarfs in their charge, whose extent and consequences
00:11:30would take years to fully elucidate.
00:11:39The remainder of the second year in Boatmurdered was marked by death and injury.
00:11:44Due to a lack of accommodations, one of the dwarfs fell asleep on the bridge over the
00:11:49underground river, and a surge washed him away and drowned him.
00:11:53The following month, a snake-man leapt out from the river and gravely injured a craft's
00:11:58dwarf, and come winter, he would die of thirst after refusing food and drink.
00:12:04Another dwarf would be ambushed by a pack of mandrills just before the year ended.
00:12:09Despite these tragedies, the overall population of Boatmurdered had dramatically risen, but
00:12:14this number didn't only include dwarfs.
00:12:18By this point, there were so many dogs, cats, and horses milling about Boatmurdered that
00:12:23they were clogging the main arteries through the underground passageways, making movement
00:12:28ponderous.
00:12:29Still, by the time Mariguana passed the file to the next person in line, who went by Keyboard
00:12:35Fox, there were plenty of food stockpiles and a serviceable amount of alcohol, though
00:12:40in the words of Keyboard Fox, the dwarfs keep drinking it really fast.
00:12:46Whoever's up next should think about making a second still once the immigration wave comes
00:12:50in.
00:12:51The next year was calm, in large part thanks to the installation of numerous traps lining
00:12:56the entrances, but even though he made swords for an eventual military to use, he neglected
00:13:02to actually organize any military, and misfortune continued to plague Boatmurdered.
00:13:08By winter, a miner was injured attempting to set up elephant traps, the second wave
00:13:13of migrants was attacked by elephants en route to the settlement, killing two and injuring
00:13:18one, a fire imp slaughtered a carpenter, and a further four dwarfs were crushed by
00:13:24yet more elephants.
00:13:26What's more, a metalsmith had been taken by a fey mood, but despite striking ore, none
00:13:31of Keyboard Fox's predecessors had established a forge, and despite his best efforts, none
00:13:37could be constructed in time, leading the dwarf to go mad and begin wading upriver,
00:13:44eventually drowning.
00:13:45Still, multiple attacks on the settlement itself were thwarted by the traps, saving
00:13:50no doubt countless dwarfs, none of whom were equipped for or experienced with combat.
00:13:56Most of these were cage traps as well, meaning that the animals could be used in trade or
00:14:01tamed.
00:14:02By the end of the year, Keyboard Fox had captured five mandrills, a leopard, and over ten elephants.
00:14:09But there was another major discovery within Boatmurdered that year.
00:14:13A river of magma.
00:14:15Magma in Dwarf Fortress has various uses, including heat for forges, but Keyboard Fox
00:14:21had a different idea in mind.
00:14:24Quote, I am worried about the future of our fortress, namely that the next rulers will
00:14:29not be as security-minded as I am, so I shall flood the chasm with magma slash lava and
00:14:35kill all the unnamed horrors within.
00:14:38Beneath this, he included screenshots of the settlement along with brief descriptions.
00:14:43The chasm with its beautiful red line of death, that's the lever you need to remember not
00:14:48to pull, by the way.
00:14:50The magma floodgates link to the lever of doom.
00:14:53I put down some channels just in case someone does pull the lever.
00:14:57End quote.
00:14:58After an uneventful winter, Boatmurdered and its 58 dwarfs were passed on to the next player
00:15:04in line, named Locus, who opened his post with a suggestion.
00:15:10Quote, I propose that we each name one dwarf after ourselves when we end our reign and
00:15:15retire slash get demoted for gross negligence.
00:15:19I can do that retroactively for previous rulers if you all think it's a good idea.
00:15:24End quote.
00:15:25This idea would prove popular, and soon, each previous ruler would have a dwarf named for
00:15:30them.
00:15:31But first, Locus would play his term.
00:15:34Despite the concerns of the previous player, Locus would see to securing the settlement
00:15:39from any threats.
00:15:40Quote, in hostile lands such as these, security and provisions are my first and foremost concerns.
00:15:48Although I was worried when I discovered that we had no military forces to speak of, an
00:15:53inspection of our trap systems revealed that they are sufficient to defeat any attacking
00:15:58force from inside or outside, below a full-scale siege.
00:16:02I looked to wells as a possible route of invading vermin, but only found barrels of alcohol.
00:16:08As we only have a scattering of peasants to choose from, most of which seem to be pursuing
00:16:13their own professions, I will wait for new immigrants to draft for our army.
00:16:18In the meantime, weapons and armor must be forged.
00:16:22End quote.
00:16:23Soon, the expected immigrants arrived, and a guard force and military were organized
00:16:28among them.
00:16:29But Locus quickly ascertained that some of the greatest threats would not come from without,
00:16:34but from within.
00:16:35While perusing the settlement, he beheld a peculiarity.
00:16:39Quote, I am worried about the very unsafe construction of the halls near our magma forges.
00:16:46Rather than leaving occasional natural supports of living stone, the previous ruler has instead
00:16:51dogged out the entirety of this wide hallway and built rather unstable-looking stone pillars
00:16:58here.
00:16:59There is a small lava flooding space around a pillar blocked by floodgates, which is presumably
00:17:04part of an emergency system to collapse the roof here, but even if a careless or angry
00:17:09dwarf were to dislodge one of them, the consequences would be catastrophic to anyone nearby.
00:17:16End quote.
00:17:17Smaller-scale tragedies would soon strike again in the river rather than the halls.
00:17:22One dwarf would be swept away in the currents, and another struck by a fey mood would go
00:17:27mad for lack of necessary materials and drown himself underneath the bridge.
00:17:32The animals were no luckier.
00:17:34While rearranging the cages, two tamed elephants managed to escape, and while not as violent
00:17:40as their feral brethren, fighting still broke out, claiming two dogs and an elephant calf.
00:17:47Animals who managed to win enough combat encounters are granted a randomly generated name, and
00:17:52one of the tamed elephants had now gained such.
00:17:56Ikudoltud, which in English means, reined-stalked.
00:18:00Locus suggested, quote, I have a theory that once an elephant tastes dwarf blood, which
00:18:06surely is how this particular creature got her name, they cannot be tamed properly.
00:18:12End quote.
00:18:13That autumn, Locus would have the issue of Ikudoltud resolved.
00:18:17After ordering the elephant moved outside, he sicked a dwarven warrior and a swarm of
00:18:22war dogs on her, who managed to swiftly dispatch her without any major injuries.
00:18:28Still, many other elephants awaited in the cages, and their tendencies were no less violent.
00:18:35After another dwarf went mad and retreated from society before dying of thirst, Locus
00:18:40attended to two other matters.
00:18:43The first was naming a dwarf for each of the previous rulers.
00:18:47The second was a common feature of Dwarf Fortress succession games.
00:18:51A vanity project.
00:18:53Quote, I have begun construction of a complex of large tombs to hold the remains of the
00:18:59previous rulers of this fort.
00:19:01I have given the smaller tomb to Kallo, as he used much of his allotted funds commissioning
00:19:06a statue portrait.
00:19:09Some might say that my own tomb is receiving extra attention, but I believe I am entitled,
00:19:14and if someone else wanted to build a fancy one for themselves, they should have thought
00:19:19of it when they had the chance.
00:19:21Quote, to those who intern me to my casket when I pass from this world, please use the
00:19:26provided chains to tether trained mandrills or a suitable substitute to guard my bones
00:19:31from thieves and vandals.
00:19:33P.S. that last part kind of rhymes.
00:19:36I will have it engraved on the door at once.
00:19:38End quote.
00:19:39With this final note, Locus would pass off the settlement to his successor, and it was
00:19:45this player who would at once reveal the absurdity of Boatmurdered, and oversee the beginning
00:19:51of its long downslide into its inevitable doom.
00:20:02The fifth overseer for Boatmurdered was a forum user who went by StarkRavingMad, and
00:20:08his thorough roleplaying and liberal usage of screenshots marked him as easily one of
00:20:13the most entertaining and thorough.
00:20:16After an introduction that cast himself as a bartender forced into the role of overseer,
00:20:21he began with his assessment of Boatmurdered thus far, referring to his screenshots as
00:20:27drawings to stay in character.
00:20:29Quote, what.
00:20:31The.
00:20:32Fuck.
00:20:33I have to fucking try to get my mind around what I am facing here.
00:20:38To begin with, all of our fucking workshops and trade goods are sitting outside in the
00:20:43fucking rain.
00:20:45One of the previous overseers must have been some sort of shallow-dwelling skygazer, because
00:20:50having our production out here is just inhumane to the poor hoopleheads who have to stand
00:20:55out there.
00:20:56Fuck that.
00:20:57I'm moving everything inside.
00:20:59Oh, and you see all those E's I drew down there at the bottom?
00:21:03Elephants.
00:21:04The previous overseer must have had some sort of sick fucking fascination with them, because
00:21:09we have elephants everywhere.
00:21:13Elephants in cages, elephants in the halls, elephants shitting in the dining room, everywhere.
00:21:19I don't know what to do with them.
00:21:20I guess start butchering them and hope they make a good roast.
00:21:24End quote.
00:21:25Besides the hall, he also noticed something of concern.
00:21:29Quote, room full of levers.
00:21:31I don't know what any of them do, and I'm not going to try and figure it out.
00:21:35With the way this place is set up, any one of them could make the whole place collapse
00:21:39in like an accordion.
00:21:41End quote.
00:21:42After addressing other inadequacies, such as the lacking accommodations and inefficient
00:21:47layout, he set the dwarves to work.
00:21:49But the profound problems with Boatmurdered were finally showing to be far more than potential
00:21:55or superficial.
00:21:57Quote, I have six fucking carpenters.
00:22:01I asked for this workshop to be built three months ago.
00:22:04You think anyone gets around to it?
00:22:06It's a ten minute job, but they're too busy to do it.
00:22:10Busy doing what?
00:22:11I don't fucking know, since without the workshops up, they can't carpenter anything either.
00:22:16I have four miners, two of them apparently sleep 20 hours a day, one is so injured he
00:22:21can't walk, and the last claims to be the retired ruler of this place, but he's the
00:22:26only guy who actually does any digging.
00:22:29End quote.
00:22:30If the dwarves would not complete necessary basic tasks such as these, then it would be
00:22:35nigh impossible to address problems as they arose, nor would it be possible for the dwarves
00:22:41to take the necessary actions to prevent a cascade of events leading to a death spiral.
00:22:47It was at this point that the horrifying events of Boatmurdered would begin to be recorded
00:22:52in its artwork.
00:22:53When dwarves were ordered to decorate the walls of the new dining hall, the dwarf named
00:22:58for Tourette Dog carved one part of the wall with an image of an elephant in the fetal
00:23:02position and another part of the wall with a representation of a dead dwarf.
00:23:07These carvings would prove not only to be historic, but prophetic, as the first mass
00:23:13death was about to occur, and like most problems in Dwarf Fortress, it started small.
00:23:19Quote,
00:23:20We've got a little elephant issue happening down south.
00:23:23I'm starting to understand why the previous owner had a million of them in cages.
00:23:28One or two got pissed, and they killed someone, and now the dwarves are trying to get the
00:23:33items from the guys that died, and the elephants are just running wild over everyone.
00:23:38A couple of the elephants got caught in the remaining cage traps, but one or two got through.
00:23:43The brave military men of Boatmurdered assemble by the front gate, and they brave themselves
00:23:48for a rush at the mighty elephants, and it was about then when the fucking dwarven caravan
00:23:55arrived.
00:23:56I ordered the military to hold fast, let the caravan guardsmen get themselves slaughtered
00:24:01by the elephants before we do.
00:24:03Which was also right about when a goblin thief jumped out, and got clobbered by a stonefall
00:24:09trap.
00:24:10So the merchants arrived to see blood and vomit everywhere, us hauling corpses and mass
00:24:14to the graveyard, a couple rampaging elephants.
00:24:18Welcome to fucking Boatmurdered!
00:24:22Hope you like miasma!
00:24:24End quote.
00:24:26Here, miasma refers to the foul odor that bodies emit when they begin decomposing, something
00:24:31that will severely dampen the mood of any dwarf caught in it.
00:24:35After a war dog finally incapacitated the rampaging elephant, even more elephants arrived,
00:24:41irritable and blood hungry, and the cycle continued, with dwarves meandering outside
00:24:47to gather the items dropped by the slain dwarves, only to be slain in turn, perpetuating the
00:24:53cycle.
00:24:54Even when ordered to cease gathering duties, the dwarves continued to try, until approximately
00:25:0020 stinking dwarf corpses littered the area, after which Stark Raving Mad installed a set
00:25:06of doors and locked them, preventing ingress or egress.
00:25:11Undeterred by the miasma choking the trapped hallways, the elephants continued to loiter
00:25:16outside.
00:25:17But just when the doors were completed, a horde of goblins arrived to lay siege to Boatmurdered.
00:25:23At first, Stark Raving Mad interpreted this as a blessing, as the elephants would presumably
00:25:29fight the goblins, weakening one another enough for the military to remove the remaining foes,
00:25:35but instead, the two groups seemed to be unbothered by each other's presence, coexisting outside
00:25:41of the locked doors.
00:25:43It was at this point that Spring arrived, marking that it was time for the file to be
00:25:47passed to the next player.
00:25:49Stark Raving Mad advised them that, quote, the place isn't a total loss, so long as
00:25:55you, you know, don't open the front door.
00:25:59Good luck no matter what you decide to do with it.
00:26:02End quote.
00:26:03Undeterred, the next person in the queue, named Bremen, took up the mantle of overseer
00:26:08and began plotting his solution to the siege.
00:26:12Ballistas.
00:26:13By installing ballistas in the walls, the dwarves could safely fire out from the settlement
00:26:18without opening the doors.
00:26:20But by the time the first one was constructed, the goblins had given up their siege and left
00:26:25entirely, leaving only the elephants, and the military charged out of the doors and
00:26:31struck them down.
00:26:33Relative peace finally returned to Boatmurdered.
00:26:36To prepare for another siege, Bremen installed a second ballista.
00:26:40As if to commemorate this victory, a dwarf was taken by a fey, Mood, and, after finding
00:26:46the necessary materials, crafted a masterwork bracelet depicting a dog killing a mandrill,
00:26:52an elephant making a plaintive gesture before a laughing dwarf, and, somewhat perplexingly,
00:26:59something that the game called a cheese.
00:27:02While food would not be an issue, the alcohol supply would, as Bremen had neglected to plant
00:27:07crops in the spring, leaving the dwarves with no fermentable plants.
00:27:12There was now no alcohol remaining to appease Boatmurdered's workers.
00:27:17Grumpy dwarves will sometimes simply refuse to work, which would only further worsen the
00:27:22fortress's troubles, troubles amplified by a growing population whose limits would soon
00:27:27be tested by events that seemed too preposterous, even by the standards of Dwarf Fortress.
00:27:43As the mood of Boatmurdered's dwarves began to dip, seven more elephants approached the
00:27:49walls of the fortress.
00:27:51This new attack came so soon after the previous one that the dwarves had been unable to craft
00:27:56new cages and reset the traps, leaving only two armed and prepared.
00:28:02These traps performed their duty, but this still left five elephants.
00:28:07Most of the military was either lounging or eating, leaving only one dwarf to man the
00:28:13ballistas, killing two, but it was then that the unbelievable happened.
00:28:18Quote,
00:28:19Disaster strikes when a dwarf wanders in and gets killed by an elephant.
00:28:24All the other dwarves, seeing opportunity for new capitalistic riches, begin to rush
00:28:29towards the body to grab his valuable equipment.
00:28:32Remembering the stories I heard about my predecessor, I hurriedly ordered the outer door to be
00:28:37locked, but the door is stuck open.
00:28:40Sabotage.
00:28:42That elephant sympathizer, that traitor, that quizzling, that...
00:28:48Monarch butterfly?
00:28:49Apparently, showing incredible coordination, a monarch butterfly flew into the door workings
00:28:55just before the time of the attack and jammed it open.
00:28:59With all the bodies and items left by the elephants, no one is doing such a low-priority
00:29:04task as cleaning up bug remains.
00:29:06Meanwhile, the ballista operators, seeing the riches beyond their carved fortifications,
00:29:12gleefully follow the crowd out the main door and into the elephant-choked tunnel.
00:29:17Assigning more dwarves to operate the ballistas depletes the remaining supply of arrows without
00:29:23effect.
00:29:24My marksdwarves run out of bolts, but there are still two elephants remaining.
00:29:29There's only one chance left.
00:29:31I activate the entire military and send them in a massed charge at the elephants.
00:29:37The recruits, minus all those drinking, eating, and sleeping, let out a mighty shout and charge.
00:29:44For the glory of Boatmurdered!
00:29:46No one can fault their bravery, only their results."
00:29:52With the military failing, Bremen fell back on a piece of engineering created by one of
00:29:57his predecessors that had, until now, gone unused.
00:30:01With all of the elephants still outside, Bremen pulled one of the levers which withdrew a
00:30:07drawbridge.
00:30:08As there were no longer any bolts remaining in the fortress, Bremen set his dwarves to
00:30:12making more, and the moment that each was constructed, it was fired at the elephants
00:30:18outside, eventually injuring them enough for them to exsanguinate.
00:30:22In a month, another herd of elephants approached, and the response from the dwarves of Boatmurdered
00:30:28was less than swift.
00:30:30Quote,
00:30:31I wondered why no dwarf has put up the doors yet, or even cleared the equipment and refuse
00:30:36from the area.
00:30:37A quick inspection finds the problem.
00:30:40The huge number of tame animals, combined with the narrow corridors, is causing a truly
00:30:46horrible traffic jam.
00:30:48I order the corridors widened and as many animals as possible put into cages.
00:30:53Luckily, the elephant herd turns south and skips the fortress entirely.
00:30:58With the corridors beginning to be passable again, a dwarf manages to construct the door,
00:31:03blocking off the elephants forever.
00:31:06End quote.
00:31:07Boatmurdered had just been saved by a stroke of luck.
00:31:11With another fey mood taking a dwarf, a marble amulet was made to commemorate the events
00:31:16of the last year.
00:31:18Two of the four scenes depicted were of an elephant striking down a dwarf.
00:31:23Starkravingmad, whose turn was finished but was still watching the thread, wrote sarcastically,
00:31:28quote,
00:31:29Here, I've made an amulet of all the history I know.
00:31:33Look, it's an elephant slaughtering dwarves by the hundreds.
00:31:36You can really see the bones and gristle.
00:31:39If you check the back, there's a lovely rendering of a butterfly jamming the fortress doors
00:31:44open.
00:31:45Also more elephants killing dwarves.
00:31:47End quote.
00:31:48Soon after this, a child would be taken by a fey mood as well and make a piece of art,
00:31:54also depicting an elephant slaughtering a dwarf.
00:31:57In response to Starkravingmad noting that most of the previous rulers had died during
00:32:02his turn, Bremen replied, quote,
00:32:05I ran out of coffins.
00:32:07Then I ran out of designated graveyard space.
00:32:10Most of you are spending your eternal rest in the garbage dump.
00:32:13End quote.
00:32:14While the installation of doors could prevent the rampaging elephants from entering and
00:32:19prevent the dwarves from leaving in an emergency, fortifications could not protect any traders
00:32:25in transit.
00:32:27That autumn, just as a herd of elephants was loitering on the road into Boatmurdered, the
00:32:32yearly dwarven trade caravan arrived and ran directly into the elephants, who immediately
00:32:37became irate and attacked, leaving only one guard alive.
00:32:42During the quiet winter, Bremen revitalized the military both by increasing its size and
00:32:48having them train in crossbow shooting so that the elephants could be assaulted from
00:32:52within the walls.
00:32:54But the following year would see a piece of engineering created that would theoretically
00:32:59make the military obsolete.
00:33:02Starkravingmad had begun its construction, but had given up when encountering difficulties.
00:33:07The next ruler, however, possessed the knowledge to see it completed.
00:33:12Taking on the responsibility of overseer, forum user Sankus started the year relatively
00:33:18quietly, and using this merciful period, he ordered his mining dwarves to carve out a
00:33:24long channel along the northern side of the fortress, leading from the flowing magma to
00:33:29the outer wall of the mountain.
00:33:31The plan was simple and destructive in the extreme.
00:33:35If ever a threat posed itself outside, the doors would be closed, the lever would be
00:33:40pulled, and magma would flow out of the fortress and flood the outside, burning anything caught
00:33:47in its tide.
00:33:48This, however, wouldn't fix the ever-mounting problem of dwarves being unable to complete
00:33:53basic tasks within the fortress, including the moving of dead bodies, and miasma from
00:34:00the corpses of fallen animals and dwarves was beginning to fill the hallways.
00:34:05Other tasks, such as mining, required significant effort to make certain that they were done,
00:34:11if they were done at all.
00:34:13Despite the relatively swift completion of the magma canal, no major attacks would occur,
00:34:18only a small raid by mandrills.
00:34:20Rather, a different threat would face Boatmurdered, one that threatened to end the fortress unless
00:34:26swift and extreme action was taken.
00:34:29As the final months of Sankis' playthrough were drawing to a close, a rush of water appeared
00:34:35from the north, inundating the fields and forest.
00:34:38Apparently, one of the dwarves assigned to digging out the terrain had struck a hidden
00:34:43source of water, or carved out the bank of the river, and now, this water was flowing
00:34:49unabated, washing away the miner and stranding the other dwarves who were left outside.
00:34:55Desperately, Sankis closed the doors to block the water from flowing into the fortress,
00:35:00but now, the dwarves of Boatmurdered were stuck inside, with nowhere to put the rotting
00:35:06corpses.
00:35:07With alcohol supplies dwindling, and no other recourse availing him, Sankis took the only
00:35:12action that he could think to take.
00:35:15He ordered the lever pulled.
00:35:18Gradually, magma began seeping through the channel, and once it reached the opening,
00:35:23it spilled out into the overworld, rapidly evaporating the water into steam as it continued
00:35:29to flow into the forest.
00:35:31Unable to escape, many of the stranded dwarves were scalded to death by the hot steam, and
00:35:37those who escaped the steam were instead burned in the lava.
00:35:41The dogs who happened to be with them fared no better.
00:35:44One of the forum members reading the thread asked,
00:35:47Did it solve the elephant problem at least?
00:35:49Sankis replied using two screenshots.
00:35:53The first showed a herd of seven elephants standing in the water, with steam and lava
00:35:58approaching them from both sides.
00:36:00The second showed only the river, surrounded by scorched earth.
00:36:04Beneath these screenshots, he wrote the words,
00:36:08Before ending his turn, Sankis named a dwarf after himself, and had him decorate his tomb.
00:36:15The first etching, named The Old Stick of Balls, was a rendition of a burning dog, while
00:36:21the second, The Silvery Crystalline Dumpling, depicted a screaming dwarf.
00:36:26With these constructed, Boatmurdered and its 91 dwarves were then left in the hands of
00:36:32the next player.
00:36:36But before this new player could take his turn, Starkravingmad returned for an interlude.
00:36:44Dwarf Fortress was not meant to be the next major project for Bay 12 Games.
00:36:49Before Dwarf Fortress, they had intended to produce an adventure game, with Dwarf Fortress
00:36:54as a side project, but the latter gradually became the game that most interested the brothers
00:36:59and their small cadre of fans, and so it became their focus.
00:37:05However, their love for adventure games was still present, and so they added a special
00:37:10feature called Adventurer Mode to Dwarf Fortress, which allowed players to explore their randomly
00:37:17generated world, and included in this world would be any player-made fortresses as well,
00:37:23available to explore, and containing art and artifacts made by the dwarves of that fortress.
00:37:29While the main game mode would only reveal the most basic information about any crafted
00:37:34art pieces, Dwarf Fortress still kept track of who or what was depicted, and Adventurer
00:37:40Mode allowed the player to see this within the game.
00:37:44Retrieving the updated files for Boatmurdered, Starkravingmad began a quest to delve into
00:37:50the settlement and see what he could find.
00:37:53One of the easiest ways to improve the value of a fortress is to engrave the walls and
00:37:58floor, given that it can be done quickly and at no cost in resources, and so there were
00:38:03many waiting there.
00:38:05Stark shared a handful of engravings, each depicting the wholesale slaughter of dwarves
00:38:10by the numerous elephants who assailed Boatmurdered, adding, quote,
00:38:15These are just a representative sample.
00:38:18There are dozens and dozens of engravings of dwarves being struck down by a seemingly
00:38:24endless herd of legendary named elephants.
00:38:27The slaughter must have been unimaginable.
00:38:29I cannot conceive of what they must have done to engender this much hatred from the
00:38:35elephants.
00:38:36It seems they did fight back and eventually triumph against the elephants, however.
00:38:40End quote.
00:38:41Among other, more mundane occurrences documented on the walls and floor, the releasing of the
00:38:47lava flow was also recorded through the horrific deaths of the dwarves and dogs caught in it.
00:38:53With these discoveries, Stark concluded his exploration, and the forum thread returned
00:38:59to the succession game.
00:39:08The next person to complete a turn in Boatmurdered, who went by unknowing, would begin more ambitious
00:39:14projects for the fortress, the most dangerous of which was strip mining the as-yet unexplored
00:39:21area beyond the River of Magma within the mountain.
00:39:24The magma itself was little impediment, crossed easily by a bridge, but the enemies that could
00:39:30be found deeper in the mountain would pose a significant threat, and with an entire military
00:39:35squad wiped out when the lava flow was released, the dwarves available to fight against these
00:39:41threats were limited.
00:39:43This danger would prove to be far more than hypothetical.
00:39:46The moment that the miners dug too deep, they were set upon by horrible tentacle demons
00:39:52and quickly slain, and once they were finished, the demons moved on to assail the rest of
00:39:58the fortress.
00:39:59While the military was in a severely weakened state, the guard force was still present and
00:40:04prepared, and after approximately two dozen dwarves were slain, representing a quarter
00:40:10of the population of Boatmurdered, the demons were finally stopped for good.
00:40:15But only five days after the demons were let loose onto the fortress, a goblin attack occurred.
00:40:21The ensuing fight would last for days, but finally, the goblins were all slain by the
00:40:27military and guards, with only a handful of dwarven casualties.
00:40:31With this, the fortress was passed to the next player, named Cross Quantum.
00:40:37Where other rulers would typically inspect the integrity of the fortress, Cross Quantum
00:40:41first took the time to appreciate the various works of art, and among the many recordings
00:40:47of elephants killing dwarves, there was another common representation that could be seen.
00:40:53Many of them were a
00:40:55Rendition of a well-designed image of a cheese.
00:40:59Remarking on this, Cross Quantum wrote,
00:41:01Quote,
00:41:02Apparently the two most significant historical events here in Boatmurdered are elephants and cheese.
00:41:09Take a close look at the cheese ones, actually.
00:41:11They aren't even carvings of cheese, but renditions of some other image of a cheese.
00:41:18They're freaking homages.
00:41:21Interested, I investigated the art history of the settlement further.
00:41:25I discovered this artifact, which I can only presume was the inspiration for all the imitators.
00:41:31Having viewed it for myself, I must agree that this image of a cheese speaks to the dwarven spirit,
00:41:37and will be a cultural treasure for generations to come.
00:41:41End quote.
00:41:42Spring was quiet, but as summer arrived, a force of goblins did as well.
00:41:47It was now that the willingness of the administrators of Boatmurdered to use the magma channel became apparent,
00:41:54as Cross Quantum's response was simply to close the doors, pull the lever, and let lava spill out over the land.
00:42:02Soon after, frogmen leapt from the river, but were swiftly dispatched by the guard force.
00:42:08Three months later, another goblin siege arrived, and it was handled in the exact same way as the previous siege,
00:42:15by pulling the lever and releasing lava into the outside world, utterly consuming the goblins and what scarce plant life had returned.
00:42:24Boatmurdered was now more secure than it had ever been, but this did not mean that life there was at all pleasant.
00:42:32Cross Quantum summarized his interpretation of life at Boatmurdered.
00:42:37End quote.
00:42:38Diary, I'm starting to hate it here.
00:42:41It seems that every other day, there's some new invading force of some kind or another.
00:42:46There's blood all over the main hallway now.
00:42:49Where does it all come from?
00:42:51Butterflies that stink with the stench of a thousand corpses, and the screams of possessed dwarves echo through the halls.
00:42:59End quote.
00:43:00That winter, a kobold raid arrived, but just as quickly turned around and left.
00:43:05Cross Quantum lamented, quote,
00:43:08Come on guys, we have a nice settlement, why didn't you stick around?
00:43:11Was it the ashen wasteland?
00:43:13The blood-stained gates?
00:43:15Was it the screams of madmen, or the stench of death?
00:43:18We've got awful nice engravings of some fucking cheese here, come the fuck on in!
00:43:23End quote.
00:43:24With winter coming to a close, and with it the end of Boatmurdered's tenth year,
00:43:29the next person in line was unable to finish their turn, and so, another person took the save file and began a new thread,
00:43:38meaning that players who had already taken a turn could play again.
00:43:42The new thread maker, Mystic Mongrel, would claim the next year for himself,
00:43:47opening with a summary of Boatmurdered and its population of 63 dwarves, down from 91 just two years prior.
00:43:56The military now numbered only five.
00:43:59Mystic noted, quote,
00:44:01Food supplies were good for a fortress of this size, although the low population count worried me.
00:44:07Earlier reports had implied at least a hundred dwarves lived in Boatmurdered.
00:44:12Indeed, there were many vacant bedrooms in the projects near the entrance,
00:44:16most of which were not properly licensed and zoned for dwarven inhabitants.
00:44:21I corrected this oversight immediately.
00:44:23End quote.
00:44:24This line implies a potentially massive error from one of the previous rulers.
00:44:29One of the major amenities that dwarves require is a bedroom with basic furniture,
00:44:35but simply carving out a room and placing the furniture is not enough.
00:44:39The space must be zoned for the purpose before a dwarf can claim it.
00:44:43Unzoned bedrooms would be an easy mistake to miss by later rulers,
00:44:48meaning that many dwarves could have been homeless for years, severely dampening their mood,
00:44:54and dwarves also have a tendency to ruminate upon both negative and positive events,
00:44:59which will worsen or improve a dwarf's mood long after the event has occurred.
00:45:04Still, the fact that this was now being addressed gave Boatmurdered some glimmer of hope.
00:45:10But this was far from the only problem that Mystic Mongol identified.
00:45:15Besides the lacking military, crime was rampant and unpunished in the fortress,
00:45:20and the bookkeeper had long since died with nobody to replace him, along with many of the other functionaries.
00:45:27However, many nobles still remained, and most of them were displeased.
00:45:32Nobles are a special class in Dwarf Fortress with special demands,
00:45:37many requiring higher value accommodations to remain satisfied.
00:45:41And while quite a few valuable treasures have been produced in Boatmurdered,
00:45:45few, if any, were assigned to them.
00:45:48With little precious metal being extracted from the mountain due to the numerous systemic problems,
00:45:54it would be difficult to provide the nobles with what they demanded.
00:45:58What's more, their quarters were significantly beneath sufficient, even if there were enough fine goods.
00:46:04Roleplaying as one of the nobles, Mystic wrote,
00:46:07quote,
00:46:08I was quite unhappy to find out my three royal rooms were, in fact, one room.
00:46:14I was further angered to find out my bedroom-slash-dining-room-slash-study
00:46:19was shared with all of the house representatives, the mayor, the hammerer.
00:46:24Almost all of the nobles were crammed into a single room.
00:46:28Confusingly, they didn't seem to mind.
00:46:31Or notice.
00:46:32Once my initial rage died down, I assigned the remaining homeless nobles to the room.
00:46:37No reason they couldn't crash on my dolomite couch.
00:46:41Still, I decided to spend some time making individual housing for at least a few of them.
00:46:47End quote.
00:46:48Much like the other rulers, Mystic took the time to inspect some of the artwork around Boatmurdered,
00:46:54and he chose a representative assortment of engravings, including a dwarf in the fetal position,
00:47:00a burning dwarf, a dwarf being shot with an arrow by a goblin,
00:47:04a screaming elephant, another burning dwarf,
00:47:07and one of the tentacle demons who had slain so much of Boatmurdered's population.
00:47:12The fortress's currency also sported a tentacle demon on its back.
00:47:16With the fortress in such extreme disarray, it would take untold effort to put things right,
00:47:23and as Mystic Mongol began, it was difficult to say whether or not it was possible to rescue Boatmurdered.
00:47:30Still, there was nothing to do but try.
00:47:39The remainder of the year was quiet for Mystic Mongol,
00:47:42who busied himself with tidying the fortress in various ways,
00:47:46including ensuring that the nobles had individual quarters,
00:47:50each sufficiently decorated with valuables produced from new metal and jewels mined out of the mountain.
00:47:56A makeshift militia was also created by equipping the craft's dwarves.
00:48:01However, the efforts of Mystic Mongol were less appreciated by Sankis, who was now taking his second term.
00:48:08First, in the spring, a massive force including dozens of goblins arrived,
00:48:13and just like the other attacks, the entrances were barricaded,
00:48:16and the lever pulled to burn the entire invasion.
00:48:20Shortly afterward, another threat arrived, a bronze colossus named Lolum Romanticday.
00:48:27This colossus, despite being a fearsome foe, was handled in much the same way as every other threat,
00:48:34with Molten Rock.
00:48:35To take revenge on Mystic for locking away the dwarf named for him,
00:48:40Sankis had an elephant released to attack Mystic's dwarf,
00:48:43but he managed to escape with only a broken leg before the elephant was caught in a trap.
00:48:49Mystic was nonplussed by this transgression.
00:49:04Sankis minimized the threat that the elephant posed to Mystic's dwarf
00:49:08by pointing out the high-quality armor that he was wearing,
00:49:11and also noting that, because he had been unarmed by his own choice,
00:49:15he had gained four levels in wrestling.
00:49:18He also noted that he wouldn't have done so in the first place if Mystic's dwarf was not a noble.
00:49:24Indeed, due to the frequent deaths in Boatmurdered,
00:49:27the number of nobles in relation to the working dwarves was quickly becoming skewed.
00:49:32An immigration wave, while smaller than it otherwise would have been,
00:49:36consisted almost entirely of nobles,
00:49:39further increasing the chance of demands that the fortress could not meet.
00:49:43While conditions were improving,
00:49:45the history of the fortress would still be remembered in its artwork,
00:49:49including the masterpieces produced by Fae Moods.
00:49:53To help prevent such tragedies from occurring again,
00:49:56Sankis constructed a moat which could be activated with the pull of a lever.
00:50:00Still, a few small-scale attacks were repelled by the military alone,
00:50:05and hope was beginning to return.
00:50:08Perhaps, if things continued in such a way, Boatmurdered could potentially survive.
00:50:13But a brief glance at the population demographics
00:50:16showed just how far Boatmurdered was from attaining any sort of stability.
00:50:21The population had dipped from over 100 to 61 over the course of just a few years,
00:50:28and a third of those remaining dwarves were nobles,
00:50:31leaving only about 40 dwarves with skills related to labor,
00:50:35a distressingly low number for a fortress of Boatmurdered's age.
00:50:39With the year closed out,
00:50:41administration of the fort passed to a new forum member,
00:50:44this one named Dr. Zero,
00:50:47and his keenness to roleplay helped to reveal just how badly the fort had fallen into disrepair.
00:50:53Quote,
00:50:54The winter snows had receded already down here, and the scene was...
00:50:59was...
00:51:00horrendous.
00:51:02The earth, the trees, the very rock face of the mountain was scorched and burnt.
00:51:08Feeble plants poked through the ash and soot in between the piles of...
00:51:13piles of...
00:51:14What was this?
00:51:16I moved off the paved road to investigate piles and piles of armor and weapons,
00:51:22laying around as if their diminutive owners simply crumbled to ash.
00:51:27Dogs and cats picked through the debris, hunting small vermin.
00:51:31I turned to look back.
00:51:33Perhaps I could make the journey back to Kinmelville before...
00:51:37No.
00:51:38It was too late.
00:51:39I was being hailed by a dwarf in rags and tatters.
00:51:43The dwarf hailing me was Olin, the broker.
00:51:46His once noble pigtail clothes hang in scraps from his limbs,
00:51:50standing in pools of dried vomit.
00:51:53End quote.
00:51:54Here, Dr. Zero pointed out a horrendous oversight made by the previous rulers.
00:52:00As time passes in Dwarf Fortress, the clothing of dwarves wears through,
00:52:05and new clothes must be made by either buying cloth or making it from plants,
00:52:10and dwarves wearing worn clothing will be significantly less happy.
00:52:15At some point, the creation of new clothing had ceased in Boatmurdered.
00:52:19It was possible that it had never begun at all.
00:52:22This would need to be rectified as soon as possible.
00:52:26With the food supplies buoyed only by slaughtering many of the tamed elephants in the fortress,
00:52:32Dr. Zero set to work planting new crops as well.
00:52:35Along with these issues, he noticed that many of the dwarves were idle with no work orders to fulfill.
00:52:42Again, how long the fortress had been in this state was difficult to ascertain.
00:52:47The various engineering projects had also been poorly recorded.
00:52:51When Dr. Zero began pulling levers in an attempt to discover which one would water the soil intended for crops,
00:52:58one of them opened a valve that spilled water into the siege workshop, soaking everyone inside.
00:53:05Why this existed in the first place was a mystery,
00:53:08though it was likely the leftovers from an unfinished project.
00:53:12The proportion of dissatisfied nobles, however, was beginning to directly interfere with work in the fortress.
00:53:19When the jeweler was unable to keep up with the demands of so many nobles,
00:53:23and often lacking the materials necessary to meet those demands,
00:53:27she was thrown in prison, further slowing Boatmurdered's production.
00:53:31What's more, a new immigration wave of nine dwarves arrived,
00:53:35a third of which were nobles, doing nothing to fix the demographic imbalance.
00:53:40This was made slightly worse when the arriving baron's consort gave birth,
00:53:45to which Dr. Zero reacted by writing,
00:53:48Just what we need, more noble larvae.
00:53:52Still, the rest of the year was quiet,
00:53:54and Dr. Zero did his best to set up the next ruler to be able to mine out more metals and gems.
00:54:01Despite the hopeful epilogue to the 13th year,
00:54:04the next person to take control would make clear his belief to the contrary immediately,
00:54:10that there was nearly no hope for Boatmurdered to escape its imminent doom.
00:54:19The 14th Year
00:54:24For the 14th year, Mariguana returned, and his assessment of the fortress was immediately dismal.
00:54:31Quote,
00:54:32There are so many problems with Boatmurdered that I don't even know how to begin reversing the cycle of decay.
00:54:39The first thing I noticed was the smell, and I don't know what to say about it.
00:54:43It's... it's like an elephant's ass.
00:54:46Then I saw the bones, and the rotting pieces of flesh that children kick around in the streets,
00:54:52and the nightmare scenes carved into the walls,
00:54:55of dwarves and animals screaming, of monsters gorging upon children in lumps, and...
00:55:01things I never want to speak of.
00:55:03It's as if the dwarves of Boatmurdered have lost all hope.
00:55:07I don't know what to do for these people, or if, indeed, there is anything that can be done for them.
00:55:13For now, I have ordered them to move these piles of goblin equipment to the Magma River to be melted.
00:55:19By the gods, how many legions of goblins have died before the gates of Boatmurdered?
00:55:25End quote.
00:55:26Despite ordering them moved, the goblin armor lay outside untouched,
00:55:31their former owners burnt away in the lava.
00:55:34Any production in Boatmurdered was quickly becoming paralyzed.
00:55:38Mariguana was further frustrated by the demands of the newly arrived Elven diplomat,
00:55:44who ordered that the fortress limit the number of trees that it would cut down.
00:55:48After tentatively agreeing to the demands, he immediately came to regret his acquiescence,
00:55:54and he sicked the small military on the Elven merchants, stealing everything that they had brought with them.
00:56:00Then, he ordered the dwarves out into the forest to cut down the trees that had stood beyond the reach of the lava flows.
00:56:07But like nearly everything in Boatmurdered, there was a complication.
00:56:11Quote,
00:56:12Diary, I regret to write that our deforesters are having... difficulties.
00:56:18Some of the men are allergic to the sun and can only walk so far before they become sickly and crawl back toward the fort,
00:56:25leaving trails of vomit in their wake.
00:56:28Other dwarves were ambushed by elephants in the southern parts of the forest where the magma could not reach.
00:56:34It goes without saying that the casualties were high.
00:56:37Two dwarves died, and others were wounded and had to be dragged back to camp.
00:56:42I have ordered the men to leave Elephant Grove alone, at least for the time being.
00:56:47End quote.
00:56:48The person who was next slated to take control of Boatmurdered was watching and lamented,
00:56:53Oh God, you slaughtered the merchants and are going to leave me to deal with the invasion?
00:57:00But this slaughter was not enough to sate Mariguana.
00:57:04With the elephants to the south guarding the remaining trees,
00:57:07he built a bridge so that the lava could reach the far side of the river and the grove.
00:57:13And once this bridge was completed, he ordered the lever pulled.
00:57:17However, as soon as the lava spilled out into the field,
00:57:21the human trading caravan arrived and they were completely engulfed in the flow,
00:57:27burning them all to death along with their wagons full of goods.
00:57:31Lamenting this tragedy, Mariguana took solace by watching the lava continue to flow south towards the Elephant Grove.
00:57:38But despite the presence of the bridge, the lava would not pass over it.
00:57:43Mystic Mongul, who was still watching the thread, elucidated the problem.
00:57:48Quote, you need an aqueduct. The aqueduct needs to be made of stone.
00:57:53You just murdered dozens of our best trading partners, you bastard.
00:57:59End quote.
00:58:00After waiting for the lava to dissipate, Mariguana built an aqueduct and again released the flow,
00:58:06this time engulfing the grove and the elephants along with it.
00:58:10Now, all that remained of the approach to Boatmurdered was a vast, burnt hellscape.
00:58:17Inside the fortress, conditions were not much better.
00:58:21Depressed dwarves continued to mill about the halls,
00:58:24while others went mad for lack of materials demanded by their fey moods.
00:58:29The dwarf named Forsencus continued to produce high quality carvings in the walls and floor,
00:58:35at least one of which was now of the human caravan burning in the lava.
00:58:40With little hope for the future, Mariguana made the decision to build a monument to himself in the form of a large lizard,
00:58:48demanding that nearly every dwarf be assigned to the task.
00:58:52While they were constructing it, however, another goblin siege appeared.
00:58:56And while he didn't know it yet, this was the siege that would set off a chain reaction of events
00:59:02that would finally bring about the long predicted end of Boatmurdered.
00:59:09Boatmurdered
00:59:19Just like with every other goblin siege, Mariguana performed the routine releasing of molten rock into the world to burn away the goblins.
00:59:28But this time, there were two unexpected effects.
00:59:32First, the lava damaged the artwork that Sancus the dwarf had inscribed on the monument outside.
00:59:38Such a transgression sent him into a tantrum.
00:59:42Second, the lava was able to make its way to a wooden catapult, lighting it on fire.
00:59:48Smoke began billowing out from it, flooding not only the outside, but the hallways and rooms of Boatmurdered with smoke.
00:59:56Somehow, Sancus found himself suddenly on fire, and this catapulted his tantrum into a violent, frothing rage,
01:00:04which he then directed towards any living thing near him.
01:00:08After attacking a young dwarf and a cow, he turned his attention to a Marksdwarf,
01:00:13whom he pinned and began beating for so long that the Marksdwarf also caught fire,
01:00:19and died shortly after Sancus succumbed to the flames.
01:00:23The other dwarfs would soon follow suit.
01:00:26Given their limited accommodations, tattered clothing, unstable food and drink supply,
01:00:31inability to meet nobles' demands, constant death, and a nearly endless list of other indignities,
01:00:37this smoke was enough to send many of the dwarfs into a tantrum as well,
01:00:42and they began flailing at the dwarfs around them.
01:00:45The death of nearby dwarfs sent even more dwarfs into violent fits,
01:00:50and they began turning on one another just in time for a horde of mandrills to attack under the cover of smoke.
01:00:57Quote,
01:00:58The carnage did not stop with the death of Sancus.
01:01:01More and more dwarfs are tantruming, and fighting is near constant in the streets.
01:01:06There are only five nobles left alive now.
01:01:09Why? Because nobles are goddamn weak.
01:01:12If you've got to bet on ten tantruming nobles or a goddamn swordmaster, the choice is clear.
01:01:18End quote.
01:01:20This chain reaction continued for three weeks straight.
01:01:24Quote,
01:01:54End quote.
01:02:21When Mariguana attempted to order the gates closed to end the constant stream of smoke into the fortress,
01:02:27the few remaining obedient dwarfs found themselves unable because a burning corpse was blocking the path to the lever.
01:02:35Desperate to complete one worthwhile thing during his turn, Mariguana ordered every remaining dwarf to continue construction on the monument.
01:02:44As his turn came to a close, he wrote,
01:02:47Quote,
01:02:48At last, the smoke is rising, and the cycle of death in Boatmurdered is coming to an end.
01:02:54The population of the fortress seems to have stabilized at 27 dwarfs, with the last death occurring a little over two weeks ago.
01:03:02Happy fucking New Years, you poor bastards!
01:03:06Almost everyone in Boatmurdered is dead.
01:03:09Those who aren't are either insane or hopelessly overworked.
01:03:13My condolences to whoever governs Boatmurdered next, because you have your work cut out for you.
01:03:19Just how bad is fucking Boatmurdered doing?
01:03:22Take a look!
01:03:23End quote.
01:03:24Beneath this was a screenshot of the summary of Boatmurdered.
01:03:28Just as he indicated, only 27 dwarfs remained, just two of whom were nobles.
01:03:34What's more, while there was a large food stockpile, the fortress was completely dry, with no drink to be found.
01:03:41He concluded by writing, quote,
01:03:44And my monument? Yeah, I finished it. I meant to make half a goddamn lizard, and nobody will say otherwise if they know what's good for them.
01:03:52End quote.
01:03:53Soon after the file was passed to the next person in line, named Gorillamedic, another immigrant wave arrived, consisting entirely of 20 nobles.
01:04:04Nobles now outnumbered working dwarfs 22 to 16.
01:04:09Then, in a sudden resumption of carnage, somehow, dwarfs began lighting themselves on fire, their charred corpses littering the floor.
01:04:18Miasma filled the halls of Boatmurdered, concealing the carnage.
01:04:23This fire spread again and again, until one of the final five dwarfs slew two others, then wandered into the fire.
01:04:33Finally, and suddenly, in midsummer, there were only two dwarfs remaining.
01:04:38An elite and well-equipped swords dwarf, and a lone child.
01:04:43It was at this point that Gorillamedic declared Boatmurdered finished.
01:04:49To commemorate its ending, another forum user, EvilSlug, wrote what would come to be known as the finale.
01:04:57Quote,
01:05:02Without and within, all is smoke and fire.
01:05:07Everybody is dead, save two.
01:05:10I ask you to picture a lone, abandoned child and the well-known madman, Gorilla Burialgears, outside the heavily decorated mountainside entrance.
01:05:22The child plays in a bone pile, simple-minded and happy.
01:05:27She seems oblivious to the death and decay that surrounds her on all sides.
01:05:32Once a celebrated hero, Gorilla Burialgears has found himself helpless as this idiot child when he was needed the most.
01:05:41The would-be ruler silently mourns for the poor child's future, while he knowingly and selfishly prepares to leave her behind.
01:05:51As he pulls on his pack and begins searching for the road, the girl suddenly yells,
01:05:57SHINY!
01:05:58and thrusts a pebble toward him.
01:06:01Gorilla reaches out to take the smooth stone and rubs it thoughtfully between his fingers while returning an empty smile.
01:06:10The girl quickly goes back to her bones and he takes the opportunity to leave.
01:06:16This is all he knows to do.
01:06:19Killing her would be a service, but his swords seem too heavy for the task.
01:06:24Or is it his heart?
01:06:26He once more rubs the stone and decides this is how it must be.
01:06:32He simply cannot kill her.
01:06:34One of the greatest dwarven warriors to ever live, unable to kill a child.
01:06:40He would find it pathetic and laughable, were he still sane.
01:06:45Alas, his very soul is broken, along with his mind.
01:06:49The famed dwarven warrior now finds himself too emotionally weary to do more than mindlessly pilot his body towards safer fields or a pitiful and uncelebrated death.
01:07:02After a bit of searching, Burial Gears finds the outline of the main road and begins to follow it towards civilization.
01:07:11The only coherent thought he can seem to muster will ultimately become his mantra and his sole reason for continued life in the early months of his upcoming journey.
01:07:22Any place is better. I must press on.
01:07:27I ask that you picture this dwarven champion pausing briefly atop the last ash-encrusted ridge in the distance.
01:07:35In the waning light of a setting sun, he looks back upon the gaping, smoking maw of Hell's Door one last time.
01:07:46At this moment, he finally sees Boatmurdered for what it truly is, a wicked and foreboding blight upon the surrounding lands.
01:07:57The windswept and charred landscape robs him of any tears he might have produced.
01:08:03All are dead at Boatmurdered. The best dwarves he has ever known, gone.
01:08:10In his mind, the blood of the dozens he could not save will eternally stain his hands.
01:08:16In his head, he will forever hear the screams of the dead as they burned or murdered one another in the last days of the once-proud fortress.
01:08:26Gorilla Burialgears absently tucks the child's rock into his pack and turns to leave for good, his head hung low.
01:08:35His words trail behind him as he disappears over the ridge. It is a haunting whisper, quickly stolen away by the wind.
01:08:44All burn. And then, he is gone.
01:08:48High atop the cliff, a lone child waves goodbye and chases her gesture with the kind of carefree laughter only youth can enjoy.
01:08:58She then returns to her game with a pair of pretty stones, almost immediately forgetting about the nice dwarf in the shiny suit.
01:09:07This unfortunate young girl will come to be known in legend as Dodok Saberfrenzies, last survivor of Boatmurdered.
01:09:17In all cultures, both name and place will come to elicit hushed tones and ultimately grow to be synonymous with doom of the very soul itself.
01:09:30End quote.
01:09:31While the fall of Boatmurdered was final, its legacy would live on long after its collapse.
01:09:38Other popular games would pay homage to it by naming characters or weapons after certain aspects of the fallen fortress.
01:09:46And when the game finally received a release on Steam with enhanced graphics and music, one of the tracks would be named after it.
01:09:55Koganusam, the dwarven word for Boatmurdered, in which the vocalists solemnly sing the name with no other lyrics.
01:10:03This song plays whenever a fortress finally falls in anyone's game, ensuring that the legacy and extraordinary failure of Boatmurdered will always be remembered.
01:10:24End quote.
01:11:54.
01:12:24.
01:12:54.