Psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr. Orna Guralnik joins WIRED to provide some couples therapy to the lovebirds of the internet. What's a big sign that a relationship won't last? If you think of someone other than your partner during sex, should you come clean? And how do you know if they're "the one?" Answers to these questions and plenty more await on Couples Therapy Support.
Director: Justin Wolfson
Director of Photography: Constantine Economides
Editor: Alex Mechanik
Expert: Dr. Orna Guralnik
Line Producer: Joseph Buscemi
Associate Producer: Paul Gulyas; Brandon White
Production Manager: Peter Brunette
Production Coordinator: Rhyan Lark
Talent Booker: Mica Medoff
Camera Operator: Vincent Cota
Sound Mixer: Sean Paulsen
Production Assistant: Sonia Butt
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Post Production Coordinator: Rachel Kim
Supervising Editor: Eduardo Araujo
Additional Editor: Jason Malizia
Director: Justin Wolfson
Director of Photography: Constantine Economides
Editor: Alex Mechanik
Expert: Dr. Orna Guralnik
Line Producer: Joseph Buscemi
Associate Producer: Paul Gulyas; Brandon White
Production Manager: Peter Brunette
Production Coordinator: Rhyan Lark
Talent Booker: Mica Medoff
Camera Operator: Vincent Cota
Sound Mixer: Sean Paulsen
Production Assistant: Sonia Butt
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Post Production Coordinator: Rachel Kim
Supervising Editor: Eduardo Araujo
Additional Editor: Jason Malizia
Category
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TechTranscript
00:00I'm Dr. Orna Goralnik, psychologist and psychoanalyst.
00:03I'm here to answer your questions from the internet.
00:05This is Couples Therapy Support.
00:12Hi, sweetie.
00:13All right.
00:14Level Studio says,
00:18You shouldn't have to change for your partner is an extremely silly oversimplification.
00:23I agree that it's a silly oversimplification, but there is some wisdom in it.
00:29You know, when people come to therapy to see a couples therapist, they often,
00:34their hidden agenda is, here's my partner, help me change them.
00:38And one of the main things I have to do in couples therapy is kind of reverse
00:44that assumption that really what needs to happen is your partner needs to change,
00:50because that is not how it works.
00:52For couples to live well together, each person needs to take responsibility for themselves
00:58and see what they can change within themselves and how can they learn to
01:03accept and love their partner for who they are.
01:05Now, that doesn't mean that we don't adjust and take seriously how we impact our partner,
01:12but that is different from expecting your partner to truly change.
01:16Depresso Espresso asks,
01:19My boyfriend thinks he should say whatever hurtful thing is on his mind because he values the truth.
01:24Well, that is not helpful.
01:26If you're talking in hurtful ways to your partner, that is just not interesting,
01:31not helpful, only damaging.
01:33The truth is not everything that comes to your mind.
01:36The truth is what is constructive to the relationship.
01:39Mutiny 34 is asking,
01:41Reddit, if you have to ask yourself if you love your partner, does that mean you don't?
01:46No, that doesn't mean you don't.
01:48People's feelings are something that comes and goes and changes all the time,
01:52depending on the external and internal weather,
01:56depending on things that are happening around us,
01:58whether it's in the relationship or outside in the world.
02:00So the way we feel changes all the time.
02:04Even though there might be a very steady undercurrent of love,
02:08the way you feel from moment to moment or day to day can change.
02:11And sometimes you can lose touch with parts of yourself.
02:14And those are moments when you might ask yourself,
02:16Wait, what's happening here? How do I feel?
02:18And that's normal.
02:19Dear Chanel exclaims,
02:21My boyfriend can't have female friends, exclamation mark.
02:25Don't care.
02:26Controlling your partner is probably not going to be a good recipe for a solid relationship
02:34and for a mutually respectful relationship.
02:36You want people to be happy.
02:37You want them to have like rich and full lives.
02:40And if your relationship is based on limiting your partner's experience in the world,
02:44that is going to eventually kill the relationship.
02:47Zane Fox asks,
02:50How do you know your partner is the one?
02:52I don't know if there is the one.
02:54I don't know.
02:54It depends on what your philosophy of life is.
02:57When do you decide to really commit yourself to another person depends on many things.
03:03I don't know what it means really to be the one.
03:06But if you're in a relationship in which you're growing and thriving
03:12and feeling a lot of love and respect for your partner, that sounds pretty good.
03:17I think people carry within them a lot of intense fantasies
03:21that sometimes get in the way of being in reality.
03:24If you're in a good relationship and you're thriving,
03:27your life is getting better and you're full of love.
03:31That sounds pretty good.
03:33At Cold Joe, Anu asks,
03:36What do you all do when your partner needs space and you crave closeness?
03:40That is actually almost the most common dynamic that gets formed in a relationship.
03:46And sometimes people can take turns in terms of who's the one that wants
03:50and who's the one that retreats.
03:51I sometimes think of it as a hairdryer kind of chasing a paper bag.
03:55There's always some dynamic of push and pull.
03:58And what do you do about it?
03:59First of all, accept that that's a common dynamic.
04:04If you use the metaphor of the hairdryer,
04:05you might realize that sometimes the more you push,
04:09the more the other person will need to retreat.
04:11So sometimes it's a good idea to paradoxically turn things around.
04:16And when you realize that someone needs space, move back, lean back,
04:19take your own space, take care of yourself, do what you need.
04:22And then when it's time, you'll both come back together.
04:25Sepe the Stud is asking,
04:27Is it just me or does couple therapy sound fun?
04:30Like I'm just allowed to talk to my significant other,
04:34like they ain't sitting right next to me.
04:36OK, I do think couples therapy can be fun.
04:39Obviously, that's what I do.
04:41I don't think couples therapy is talking about your significant others.
04:45That's not a good use of the therapeutic space.
04:48But it's a good chance to talk about things
04:51that it feels too risky to talk about when you're on your own.
04:54And what you learn in couples therapy is how to create space
04:57for a more risk taking, dynamic, interesting conversation
05:02that eventually you'll be able to take home
05:04and you won't need your couples therapist for.
05:07A Reddit user asks,
05:08Is the inner child real or just therapy jargon?
05:12It's definitely therapy jargon,
05:15but it's also a real thing in the sense
05:19that we all carry within us our childhood
05:23and memories of what it was like to be a child.
05:27And we still have needs and feelings that pertain to that part of ourselves.
05:32Now, some people continuously grow from their inner child
05:36and keep evolving and evolving and evolving.
05:38And some people live in a more fragmented or dissociated way.
05:43I'm not saying this is a pathological way of being.
05:45It's just we're different that way.
05:47And some people really do keep within themselves
05:50a part that really is like an inner child,
05:53a part of themselves that hasn't necessarily developed
05:56and that they progress to or turn to under certain situations.
06:00And then they really feel inside like a child.
06:03But I think it's important for us to all,
06:06when we love another person,
06:08to actually tune in and to see
06:11that all of us still have childish, vulnerable,
06:16needy, small parts that are worth paying attention to.
06:20KT Saidit asks,
06:22Are couples therapists not allowed to tell their clients to break up?
06:26It's not that we're not allowed as couples therapists
06:28to tell people to break up.
06:30I'm sure plenty of couples therapists do say to people,
06:34maybe it's time to break up.
06:36I tend to be kind of indeed an optimist and a romantic.
06:40Most of the time, I like to support couples
06:44in their attempt to find each other.
06:46And I don't really see my job
06:48as to tell people how to live their lives.
06:50I assume if they're coming to see me,
06:52they want to figure out a way to make things work.
06:55And it might be really challenging.
06:57And that's a good challenge to face
06:59because the challenge in a relationship
07:03is to find a way to accept and know your partner
07:06and take them as they are
07:08and address what is coming up in you
07:10that is getting in the way.
07:11Was This Cheating asks,
07:14Last night, I thought of another man
07:16while having sex with my husband.
07:18Should I tell him?
07:19There's no one answer to that.
07:21I mean, one's fantasy life is generally one's private experience
07:25and you don't owe it to anyone.
07:27But for some people in relationships,
07:29it's actually exciting and a fun thing to know
07:31about what's going on in your partner's fantasy life.
07:34And for some people, it's too threatening.
07:36So depends on your partner.
07:37Tiams to me is asking,
07:40Successful couples don't fight less than other couples.
07:43They fight better.
07:44That's a quote from John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman,
07:47who have done a lot of research on couples work.
07:50I agree with that statement.
07:52Not disagreeing or not fighting
07:55is not a realistic possibility
07:57between two people that are obviously different
07:59because you're two people.
08:00So you're not going to see the same way.
08:02You're not going to need the same things.
08:04You're going to disagree on things.
08:05But then what happens when you disagree?
08:08Couples form a certain kind of political system between them.
08:11So are you an autocratic political system?
08:15Do you try to control each other?
08:17Or do you try a democratic way of negotiating difference?
08:20Listen well to each other.
08:21Figure out how to compromise.
08:23Figure out how to take turns.
08:25Fighting well is an art.
08:26Bipolar Mind at No Ease asks,
08:30do men not realize that only showing affection
08:33when they want sex makes us disinclined to physical touch?
08:37Yeah, that is a pretty common thing that women complain about.
08:44I think one of the issues here is that certain men,
08:48and this is luckily changing with the younger generation,
08:53sometimes do not really know how to establish
08:57a feeling of connection and affection and warmth when it's not sexual,
09:02meaning they have sex as one of their only languages
09:07to actually feel close to another person,
09:10which can be off-putting to a woman
09:13who has other ways of feeling affection and connection.
09:16Part of the work is to expand the vocabulary
09:20of what the man learns how to do.
09:23In a way, model and teach what it means to be affectionate
09:26when it doesn't immediately equal sex.
09:28Savage on Autopilot asks,
09:31for those with homophobic parents, how do I do it?
09:34Tough.
09:35Depends how deep it goes.
09:37I mean, some people are homophobic
09:39because of just lack of knowledge and not enough experience in the world.
09:44That can be a pretty thin layer of homophobia
09:48that with enough patience and time, it's easy to break through.
09:54When homophobia is deep-seated
09:56and steeped in a certain kind of fear and bigotry,
10:01I think part of it is patience
10:04and part of it is developing really good boundaries
10:08and not letting the homophobic parent poison your life.
10:13A Reddit user asks,
10:15is it common to just listen to your client and provide no insight?
10:20Yes.
10:21Listening and helping a client understand what they're going through
10:26often involves spending a lot of time quiet,
10:30opening space for a person to listen to their own thoughts.
10:33If you notice, most of the time when people offer each other advice or insight,
10:39it's kind of useless.
10:41It's rare for us to be able to offer something
10:44that is really helpful to another person,
10:46and it's better to be quiet.
10:48Mike Bain asks,
10:50if all feelings are valid,
10:52then does validation essentially lose all meaning?
10:55No.
10:56Validation is often a very good thing to offer another person.
11:00People have a deep need to feel understood.
11:04Local Bit asks,
11:06is the truth more important than people's feelings?
11:09In relationships, no.
11:12They both matter.
11:13So the truth will be useless if a person is too upset or too hurt to deal with the truth.
11:21So in a conversation or in a relationship,
11:25people's feelings are the pre-requirement to dealing with the truth,
11:31which is, of course, very important.
11:33When I say that the truth is important,
11:35I mean the truth of the matter,
11:37like the thing that really matters.
11:39I don't mean that facts are important,
11:43but sometimes people argue or talk about facts
11:46when they're really trying to get to the truth of what matters to them.
11:49And in that sense, the truth matters a lot.
11:52Rebellious Mindbox asks,
11:54what to look for in couple's therapist?
11:57I think, first of all, to look for someone who you feel comfortable talking to,
12:02someone who you feel like is wise in a way that matters to you,
12:07someone that makes both of you feel comfortable
12:09and not like they're siding with one or the other,
12:12and someone who is not closed-minded or biased in any direction.
12:20You want someone who's open.
12:22United Biscotti 4402 asks,
12:26what's a sign that tells you a couple's relationship will not last?
12:30Well, first of all, I'm not necessarily in the business of predicting
12:34what people are going to do and what's going to happen,
12:37because people surprise me all the time.
12:39But there are signs that alarm me,
12:43that make me feel like something is not going well for these people.
12:47And that's when, first of all,
12:49when the kind of goodwill and curiosity about each other
12:53has evaporated for a long time,
12:55and all that's left could be a certain kind of disdain or contempt,
13:00which will kill the relationship.
13:02Sometimes couples get stuck in patterns that feel almost addictive,
13:08of like abuse or mutual put-down.
13:11And when I realize that I can't convince the couple
13:14to move out of that stage or out of that mode,
13:18then I think the relationship is doomed.
13:21National Mouse asks,
13:23I am no longer in love with my husband and do not know how to get back there.
13:28That is a painful place to be.
13:31Sometimes people go through phases in their relationship
13:34where they lose touch with their love
13:36or the relationship is changing in a way
13:39that the old love is no longer relevant.
13:43People are moving towards a new chapter in their relationship
13:45and they may need to be patient
13:47and wait for this kind of new feeling to surface.
13:50But sometimes the relationship really is dying,
13:53at least for one person.
13:55And then it's a painful process of starting to say goodbye.
14:01Bernan Ego is asking,
14:03If trust is lost in a relationship,
14:06how do you gain it back to show your partner you're worth trusting?
14:10It's a great question.
14:11Trust is not something that you can earn by demanding it or forcing it.
14:18Trust is something that one experiences over time.
14:22And if trust is broken,
14:24what needs to happen is that over time,
14:27the couple needs to be convinced that they're in a new and different place.
14:31And sometimes it takes a long time,
14:33a long time of consistent trustworthy behavior
14:37that registers with the other person and with a couple as a couple
14:41as the new reality of their relationship.
14:44So patience.
14:45Intuitive Empress asks,
14:47Why do people think when they get in relationships,
14:50they stop learning and studying their partner?
14:52LOL.
14:53People grow, change and evolve all the time.
14:56One of the things that happens in relationship
14:58is that our perception of our partner can get fixed.
15:02And while our partner is growing,
15:04we don't really want to see it.
15:06There's something about it that might be threatening or alarming to us.
15:10And that's when the relationship starts freezing.
15:13But yes, people are changing and growing all the time.
15:17Not to mention that we are governed to some degree by our unconscious,
15:22which keeps sending us all sorts of unpredictable messages
15:26that will change the scene anyhow.
15:29So yes, change, growth is happening all the time.
15:32Josliki asks,
15:34What do you do if your family member doesn't like your partner?
15:38Not an unusual scenario.
15:40And it's not an unusual scenario,
15:42not necessarily because family members specifically don't like partners.
15:48But when you form a couple, you're forming a kind of a new unit.
15:53And the family of origin around that unit needs to rearrange itself.
15:58And that's not necessarily a comfortable rearrangement.
16:01So people will resist the intrusion of someone new into the family system.
16:06And that is a challenge for the couple to establish their own boundaries.
16:11I think if the relationship is important to you,
16:14you try to really create a good boundary around your couplehood
16:19and make the other family members secondary to your couplehood.
16:23Muggle Catlady asks,
16:27Am I unfair?
16:2937 male boyfriend hates cleaning.
16:32Should I charge higher rent?
16:34It's a funny way to phrase a question.
16:36But generally, I think it's a good idea for couples
16:39to have a fair arrangement between them
16:41and something that feels fair to both of them.
16:43Now, that's often a very difficult question
16:45because some people, actually most people,
16:49view their own work as more of a contribution than their partner's.
16:52If a grown man doesn't like cleaning,
16:55it would be good to ask the grown man,
16:57what would you want to do instead as your contribution to the relationship?
17:00And it would be a good conversation to have.
17:02Happily Ordinary asks,
17:04How do I get over my husband cheating on me?
17:06Complicated question.
17:08There's no one answer to that question.
17:11It obviously depends on what happened.
17:14What was the cheating about?
17:15Was the cheating in response to something that's going on in the relationship,
17:20something that you can work through in the relationship?
17:24Was the cheating a habit that someone brings into the relationship?
17:28Hard for them to be honest, hard for them to be steady.
17:31Some cheating can be completely unrelated to the relationship.
17:34But just like establishing trust is something that takes time,
17:38getting over cheating is something that takes time
17:40and manifests in consistent behavior.
17:43Debris Away asks,
17:45Has anyone broke their family's multigenerational codependency trait?
17:50Yes, plenty of people have.
17:53The passing on of multigenerational habits,
17:57beliefs, ideologies, and problems is very common.
18:01We all come into relationships with our own past and with our family's past.
18:07We all carry within us a legacy of how to be in a relationship,
18:12what to expect of a relationship.
18:13I can think of a recent couple that I worked with
18:17where the wife was talking about
18:20how every woman across the generations before her
18:25divorced a failing husband, failing to thrive husband.
18:29And she was married to a lovely man.
18:31And she was like, I don't know how I break this cycle.
18:33How do I not assume that history is just going to repeat itself?
18:37So yes, it's a common thing to do to be influenced by past generations.
18:43And it's a good challenge to have to do better.
18:47Sarvam Sarvatmakam asks,
18:51How exactly does psychoanalysis help the patient?
18:55If I had to quickly summarize the main tenets of how psychoanalysis helps,
19:01and I think it's a very powerful and wonderful mode.
19:04It is, first of all, in helping us become acquainted with our unconscious,
19:10with things that we're not aware of that drive us.
19:13And the second is to understand that what happens early in our history
19:19has a powerful impact on what's happening now in our lives.
19:23And once we learn what we're bringing in from our history,
19:26our own history, multi-generational history,
19:29we can become freer of it.
19:31Chipotle Lover says,
19:34I'm in an intercultural relationship, and sometimes it can be so hard.
19:39Please, any positive anecdotes, experiences, or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
19:45Yeah, first of all, we're living in a world where
19:48intercultural relationships are more and more common.
19:52I think intercultural relationships, in a way,
19:57manifest a more extreme version of what it means to be in a relationship in general,
20:02which is that you're in a relationship with someone who is different from you by definition.
20:07I find intercultural relationships particularly interesting
20:11in the sense that what you see in a much more explicit way
20:17is how culture shapes the private experience.
20:21It's always true.
20:22We all come from a particular legacy and a particular culture.
20:26We all carry within us different ideologies, different class systems.
20:31I mean, in a way, every couple is an intercultural couple.
20:35But when it's much more explicit,
20:38I find that it forces people to really tackle and be aware
20:43how culture kind of really shapes us.
20:47And the work that couples do when they're in intercultural relationships
20:52is pretty profound work.
20:54Okay, Megan Flores is asking,
20:57How do you know it's the right time to leave a relationship?
21:00It really depends if the reason you're leaving a relationship
21:04is because of how you're feeling or because of something that's happening.
21:08If you're asking yourself,
21:10How do I know that I'm ready to leave a relationship?
21:13Then you check in with yourself.
21:15Are you still curious about your partner?
21:19Is there still goodwill that you're generating?
21:21Or do you feel kind of like dead inside,
21:24like you lost the livelihood of your feelings?
21:27Now, if you're wondering about whether
21:29whatever's going on in the relationship is time to leave,
21:33that's a different question.
21:34Is the relationship feeling too toxic?
21:37Is it feeling like you're trying and trying and trying
21:41and nothing is changing?
21:42Do you feel like the relationship has sort of reached a dead end?
21:45Then it's time to go.
21:47Error Global asks,
21:49I think I have to leave, but I can't bring myself to do it.
21:53How do you build emotional strength to leave?
21:56How do you build the emotional strength?
21:58I think part of it is finding this sense of truth inside yourself,
22:04kind of knowing that that's the right thing to do
22:07and being both brave and caring enough about your partner to do it well,
22:13meaning to do it with care for the other person,
22:16for yourself, and with respect for the relationship.
22:19Tumble Cuss asks,
22:21Husband, 37 male, was upset I, 33 female, guided him during sex.
22:28Not sure exactly how to interpret this,
22:30but what was upsetting about that interaction?
22:33If we're talking about a man that doesn't want feedback,
22:37that's an issue.
22:39Why not?
22:40What's the purpose of having sex
22:43if you're not communicating about what each other want?
22:46But if we're talking about someone who gives feedback
22:48in a way that is critical or humiliating,
22:52then that's good to know.
22:54Depends how you give each other feedback.
22:56People are very vulnerable when they're sexual with each other
22:58and they want to be treated with care and respect.
23:02Mish Kapishi asks,
23:04Why is it when you're in a stable, fulfilling relationship,
23:08people want you to ruin it with marriage or kids?
23:10Couples often find that even when they're in a very content space,
23:15there's always this kind of drive to take it further, to go further.
23:20And one of the ways that marriage and kids
23:23introduce this further and more into a relationship
23:26is that marriage, to some degree,
23:29means you're forming a certain kind of contract with your community.
23:33So you're extending what you're doing with your relationship
23:36beyond yourself.
23:38And often you do that so that you're creating a space to raise kids.
23:42And for some of us, raising kids is an incredible experience
23:47that expands your own and your couple's meaning in the world.
23:52It's the option to take care of other people,
23:55which is, for some of us, like the best thing that ever happens.
23:58Like Tears in Rain asks,
24:01Is resentment a normal, inevitable part of all romantic relationships?
24:06Unfortunately, we are not perfect, us humans.
24:10And sadly, resentment is a pretty normal thing in relationships.
24:15It's not a great thing.
24:17Part of what people do, for example, in couples' work
24:20is they figure out how not to accumulate resentments,
24:23but to, first of all, work within themselves about what's bothering them
24:28before they dump it on someone else.
24:31And then find a way to talk in a way that you're asking for what you need
24:36or saying what's troubling you, ideally without blame.
24:42And that's when you are less likely to develop resentments.
24:45Mocha Jav asks,
24:47Do you always fight with your other half on the same things over and over again?
24:52Yes, in a way.
24:53Couples typically have one or two fights
24:57that happen in one way or another throughout their relationship.
25:02Ideally, you want that fight to evolve and change over time.
25:07But we do tend to repeat the things that bother us and matter to us.
25:12Temporary Headache asks,
25:14I, 38 male, accidentally ended up tracking my wife's, 38 female, periods
25:20and realized that my entire life revolves around her cycle.
25:24Concerned about her health and wondering if I should say something.
25:28First of all, let's ignore the fact that one accidentally tracks the partner's periods.
25:33I don't know what that means. That's not an accident.
25:35So, for example, if we talk about women's cycles,
25:39menstrual cycles have a lot to do with hormones.
25:41So women describe all sorts of shifts.
25:44Actually, it's not always in one or the other direction.
25:47Shifts in their libido.
25:48Shifts in how they feel within their body.
25:51Or shifts in mood and irritability.
25:53Shifts in how tuned in they are to their partner, depending on moods.
25:57The other interesting things about these cycles is that the pheromones change.
26:03And people who are really tuned into each other,
26:06like the partner's desire and level of libido can change based on the woman's cycles.
26:13All of these biological aspects of our lives
26:16have a very powerful subliminal impact on all of us.
26:19Not just on, in this case, the woman.
26:21Direct Maximum asks,
26:24My wife always puts the kids first and rarely pays attention to me anymore.
26:28And I feel unloved.
26:30What can I do?
26:31That it's not an unusual thing to happen in a relationship when kids enter the picture.
26:35Sometimes the partners need to settle into being somewhat marginalized by the kids
26:43that do take up a lot of attention.
26:45But sometimes this said wife might need some help
26:50to pull out of the hyper-focus on the children.
26:54And that is usually done not by way of criticism,
26:58but by making sure she has enough help or support with the kids
27:02so that she can pull her attention away from the kids
27:05and back towards her life as a love partner.
27:09Cranberry Jelly is asking,
27:11How to address emotional regulation while still letting partner feel his feelings?
27:17Let me just first say that emotional regulation
27:20is a hugely important topic between couples
27:23because there is a certain zone or realm of emotionality
27:30within which we function well as people.
27:33So when people are too shut down or too excited or too angry,
27:39they can't really listen to each other
27:42and they can't really take in information and they can't talk properly.
27:45And how to find a way that you feel comfortable with each other
27:51is the ongoing art and dance of being in a couple.
27:56We learn about our partner slowly and gradually
28:01what helps them regulate themselves.
28:04Like, are there things that you do or say that are too triggering for your partner
28:08and not conducive to a good conversation?
28:11Are there ways that you can, in your own behavior,
28:15help your interactions be more contained?
28:17And then you have to ask your partner to be responsible
28:21for their own level of excitation and their own regulation.
28:25Down Added asks,
28:26Why would a woman never really initiate sex,
28:30but says it's amazing and she seems to overtly enjoy it?
28:34There are many ways to think about this question.
28:37I mean, one is in traditional ways that men and women are raised.
28:43Women are not supposed to initiate sex.
28:45They're not supposed to even want it.
28:47It's shameful.
28:48That's an old style way of gendering sexuality.
28:52And then there's the question of, like, individual preferences.
28:56Some people are just less inclined to initiate.
29:00They want to be pursued.
29:01They want to be found.
29:03And that's kind of their sexual orientation.
29:06That doesn't mean anything about liking sex.
29:09It just means that's their orientation.
29:12Now, that doesn't mean that it doesn't change.
29:14You can talk about it and you can see what works for the person.
29:18But it's not an alarming sign.
29:20Sure Shimon asks,
29:22My boyfriend, 26 male, distorts slash changes the story
29:27about bad things that happened to him.
29:29And I, 26 female, can't take it.
29:32Well, there are many reasons why people distort things or change things.
29:36I mean, some of it might be actual conscious distortions
29:41because they might feel shame or they might feel embarrassed
29:44or they wish things were different or better.
29:47But then people constantly distort their own histories
29:52and their own stories because of defenses,
29:55because they're uncomfortable with things
29:57and they have a different take on reality
30:01than what other people see.
30:03Most of the time, the facts of the story are not really what's interesting.
30:08So arguing about facts or distorting facts is somewhat of a waste of time
30:14because what's interesting is what matters to each person
30:18about the story they're telling.
30:20So if someone is distorting a story,
30:22what might be interesting is not arguing about the fact of what happened,
30:27but how does this person experience the story they're talking about?
30:31Okay, that's it. Those are all the questions.
30:34Hope you learned something and see you next time.