From too-sweet treats to tasteless traditions, these holiday cookies should be permanently retired.
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00:00From too-sweet treats to tasteless traditions,
00:03these holiday cookies should be permanently retired.
00:06The only people who reach for the frosting-topped blocks of flour that are Lofthouse cookies are
00:11children jonesing for their next sugar fix. These cookies are confusing, and we mean that in a bad
00:16way. The combination of ultra-rich topping and crumbly flour cookie base is too much for a lot
00:21of people, but Lofthouse cookies do have their fans.
00:24Cookies!
00:29Over on Reddit, there doesn't appear to be a conclusive decision on whether these
00:33cookies are too horrible or too good. These conflicting feelings are a 2 a.m. dilemma,
00:38not at all appropriate for holidays with the in-laws or swarms of cousins twice removed.
00:43Looking for a more palatable alternative? Bake some simple sugar cookies instead,
00:47and slap some icing on those bad boys.
00:50We love these commercial Christmas cookies as much as the next guy,
00:53but save them for a last-minute Santa offering or holiday movie night with the fam.
00:58They don't belong on the holiday dessert table next to the homemade angel food cake
01:02and the coveted peanut butter blossoms. Finding these cookies isn't guaranteed,
01:06either. These days, the big box stores sell out of their holiday stock two months early,
01:11which means these Christmas cookies were hitting the refrigerated shelves back in October.
01:15So good luck finding them now. The only thing more impressive than locating these cookies in
01:19stores in December? Having the discipline to leave them uneaten in the fridge until it's time
01:23for the holiday gathering. If you're willing and able to think that far ahead, level up and
01:28bake some quality homemade cookies. That pain in your chest isn't from the
01:32massive amount of holiday ham you shoveled down at dinner. No, it's the stab to the heart of an
01:37oatmeal raisin cookie disguised as chocolate chip. No one feels joy at the sight of an oatmeal cookie
01:42on the dessert bar. The only thing that makes them more disappointing is if nobody had the
01:46grace and foresight to bake chocolate chip cookies for the table.
01:49You know I hate raisins!
01:51Grandma is likely the only one who would even think to reach for the deceiving sweets,
01:55and she probably already has some in her purse. So when you're measuring out your flour and sugar
02:00to bake holiday cookies, do everyone a favor and throw those raisins straight in the trash.
02:04Or, at the very least, toss them in the Chex mix so people can pick them out. At least they'll have
02:09something to do if the conversation gets awkward. We have a couple bones to pick with thumbprint
02:14cookies. First, who wants to eat cookies that have been manhandled or could be used to identify
02:18their baker in a crime scene investigation? We get that bakers have their hands all up in their
02:23creations, but please, now that the cookies are ready to be eaten, no more touching. Especially
02:28if you show up to Christmas dinner with inch-long acrylic reindeer nails, it's just not sanitary.
02:33So if you must imprint something into your cookies, think about faking it with a measuring
02:38spoon. Second, these cookies simply do not play well with others. Despite the fact that the thumb
02:42crater is meant to act as a reservoir for the filling, the jam inevitably spills over onto
02:47other cookies. So forget about putting these cookies in a to-go box or cookie sampler tin,
02:52because everything will end up slightly sticky.
02:55You know how everyone loves to hate fruitcake?
02:58"...sends me a fruitcake every Christmas."
03:01Well, Florentine cookies are their less lovable second cousin twice removed. We understand the
03:06novelty — and comedy — of having a slice of fruitcake around the holidays. However,
03:10if you're willingly gnawing on a Florentine cookie, you're a serial killer who shows up
03:14once a year to the holiday party just to keep up appearances. These paper-thin cookies are
03:19more orange and almond than they are cookie. Only someone pretending to love dessert would
03:24opt for these over literally any of the other sweet treats on the table.
03:27And it doesn't help matters that Florentine cookies are hardly ever made correctly.
03:31They're supposed to be a complex combination of complementary flavors with a slightly chewy
03:36texture. However, they usually turn out to be a crunchy mess that resembles more of a burnt,
03:41sugar-infused granola bar.
03:43If you can make it within 10 feet of a snowball cookie and not get powdered sugar on your ugly
03:47Christmas sweater, then you go buy a lottery ticket. These things are like the powdered
03:52donut — there's no sneaking one without leaving evidence everywhere. No one really knows the
03:56origin of the snowball cookie, and they seem to be called something different by every family.
04:01Whether they're called snowball cookies, Russian tea cakes, Mexican wedding cakes,
04:05sandies, or whatever, they don't deserve a place at the holiday table. They're crumbly,
04:10dry, and make a huge mess. Just inhaling around these will result in you coughing up a lung.
04:16Instead of the cookie with many names, try bringing almond crescent cookies.
04:20Also called Viennese crescent cookies, these nutty cookies have a chewier texture.
04:25They're coated in powdered sugar, sure, but they're stickier,
04:28which helps keep the sugar where it belongs.
04:30If you were to present us with a bowl of molasses and a bowl of tar,
04:34we're not sure we'd be able to tell the difference. But we do know that we wouldn't
04:37want to make cookies with either substance. For some reason, though, molasses cookies are a thing.
04:42A lot of people find the smell of molasses repulsive, while others are fine with its
04:46overpowering aroma. This could be explained by the fact that different types and brands
04:51of molasses taste and smell different, but that inconsistency is really just another
04:55reason to forgo this cookie. If you're hosting a holiday party, consider the possibility that,
05:00while the smell of chocolate chip cookies gives off an inviting and homey vibe,
05:04molasses cookies could have your guests running for the door.
05:07If you're thinking about ginger snaps, stop. Ginger snaps take a backseat to those cute
05:12little cookie men and women this time of year, and making space for both gingerbread and ginger
05:16snaps on a dessert table is just overkill. Ginger in general is an acquired taste. As far as
05:22gingerbread goes, it's the novelty in association with the holidays that has a lot of people going
05:26feral for the flavor. And ginger snaps are essentially gingerbread, only 10 times worse.
05:31Who wants a crunchier gingerbread without any of the fun shapes or sweet icing? Frankly,
05:36neither of these ginger treats are ideal for the dessert table at a holiday party,
05:40but you could replace them with Speculoos. These German sweets are kind of like a cinnamon-flavored
05:44biscuit that resembles a more artisanal version of gingerbread. Respectable and festive,
05:49they would bring a bit of lesser-known culture to a more sophisticated party.
05:53Meringue cookies are the Regina Georges of the cookie world.
05:57"'Evil' takes a human form in Regina George."
05:59They think they're too hot to sit with the other cookies, but really all the other cookies at the
06:03table are nicer on the inside and way more approachable. A meringue cookie looks structured
06:08and solid on the outside, but crumbles or dissolves to nearly nothing once you pop it
06:12in your mouth. As simple as the ingredients are, meringue cookies take practice if you
06:16want to nail them, and they're way more fun to make than they are to eat.
06:20"'How do you know if they're done?'
06:22We beg you, bring macarons instead."
06:24While meringue cookies can come in different flavors and variations,
06:27their traditional white kind is sort of the point. Macarons, on the other hand,
06:31leave so much more room for creativity and fun. They can be made in any flavor you can dream up,
06:36and you can even mix and match flavors with the cream middle.
06:39Putting macarons on a dessert table makes it an event,
06:42while meringue cookies are a vibe killer. Don't be the vibe killer.
06:46Spritz cookies have been around for hundreds of years and have gone in and out of style
06:50seemingly forever. Weirdly, however, the recipes don't seem to improve much with time.
06:55Spritz cookies may form perfectly in the oven and hold their shape well on a plate,
06:58but they crumble with the lightest touch and have very little texture.
07:02They don't taste great either, which makes their picture-perfect appearance
07:05pretty much worthless. We know you're trying to put that ancient cookie press to good use,
07:09but it's time to pack it in on these tasteless, crumbly cookies.
07:13If you've been making these cookies for decades, you've gotten your money's worth.
07:16Instead, break out those cookie cutters that are taking up space in your pantry.
07:20Cookie cutter sugar cookies have more of a unique, personal touch than the overdone
07:24spritz cookie, and they taste better, too. And you can decorate the heck out of them.
07:28Decorated roll-out sugar cookies are the one basic cookie that's acceptable,
07:32no matter how sloppy they look.
07:34If you're thinking of bringing candy cane or peppermint bar cookies to the party,
07:38we promise there are better alternatives. We get that peppermint comes with the season,
07:42but please just bring regular peppermint bark or actual candy canes. We don't need
07:47subpar spins on the classics. Yes, candy cane cookies are a cute project for the young bakers
07:52in your life. Unless you're heading to Grandma's house and they're acting as the youngster's
07:55contribution, though, you should keep those babies at home. They're the perfect Christmas
07:59activity, but not well-suited for the dessert table. Peppermint bark and the other bark
08:04variations that rear their heads during the holidays are some of the best holiday treats
08:08around. They're iconic. Don't waste your time turning them into cookies. It ain't broke,
08:13so don't fix it. Leave the bark to its own devices. You're welcome.