If true self-improvement is what you're looking for, don't come to Raj Retreats! | Use code HONESTADS50 to get 50% OFF your first Factor box plus 20% off your next month of orders at https://bit.ly/3V5Xh9F!
00:00 Factor Ad
01:00 If Yoga Retreats were Honest
01:30 Fart
02:51 Doing drugs at yoga retreats
3:50 Daffodil
04:11 Rich white people
See more http://www.cracked.com
LIKE us on: http://www.facebook.com/cracked
FOLLOW us on: http://www.twitter.com/cracked
FOLLOW us on: http://cracked.tumblr.com
#yoga #wellness #comedy
00:00 Factor Ad
01:00 If Yoga Retreats were Honest
01:30 Fart
02:51 Doing drugs at yoga retreats
3:50 Daffodil
04:11 Rich white people
See more http://www.cracked.com
LIKE us on: http://www.facebook.com/cracked
FOLLOW us on: http://www.twitter.com/cracked
FOLLOW us on: http://cracked.tumblr.com
#yoga #wellness #comedy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The redhead's on vacation, so they're making me, the talent, do these ad reads.
00:05Today's episode is brought to you by Factor.
00:08Because when it comes to wellness, Factor knows a thing or two.
00:11If you make excuse after excuse for not eating healthy,
00:14Factor will turn you into a disciplined daddy.
00:17At least it did for me.
00:19That's because Factor offers delicious, chef-crafted, dietitian-approved meals,
00:24all ready in two minutes or less.
00:26Plus, Factor cuts down on grocery trips and cooking,
00:30so I can spend less time interacting with normal people
00:33and more time polishing my CEO of the Year trophies.
00:37Subscriptions are also flexible and easy to pause or skip.
00:41Perfect for those weeks when I'm out yachting with the Zucker in the French Riviera.
00:45Get your miserable life back on track with Factor.
00:48Head to factor75.com or click the link below
00:52and use code HONESTADS50 to get 50% off your first Factor box
00:58and 20% off your next month of orders.
01:01Hello, friends.
01:02The light of the universe shines brightly in you every day,
01:07whether your light shines for all to see or just for you and me.
01:12We will love and live in our life together.
01:16Find peace as you breathe in.
01:20Prasarita padatanasana, whatever.
01:24It's a wide-legged forward bend for a major release.
01:35Release all of your tension and gas at our 10-day overpriced,
01:38no-shower, odorous third-world retreat.
01:41I'm Roger.
01:42I want to invite you to share in the glow of a 10-day trip to the Costa Rica.
01:46There's no plumbing here,
01:48and the outhouse is the only place that smells worse than our studio.
01:51Our staff will guide you through yoga, meditation, and spiritual healing,
01:55all while we cook you an exclusively vegan diet of tofu-based soy-flavored snacks.
02:01Yoga belongs to the world.
02:03In fact, we have no business teaching it at all.
02:06However, it literally is our business.
02:08And while all the things I'm doing have corresponding Indian-derived Sanskrit names,
02:13I have no idea what they mean.
02:15So I might just call this one cat pose,
02:17because I think I look like a little cat.
02:19And then we're going to throw in some sit-ups,
02:20because like I said, I have no idea what I'm doing.
02:24Once your body feels completely toned and rejuvenated,
02:28you can clear your mind with several hours of meditation,
02:31including three days of absolute noise celibacy.
02:34Put that nasty little tongue away and stop talking,
02:37stop thinking, just click the link in the description,
02:39and start healing your dirty, disturbed mind.
02:42We invite you to join us to rejuvenate your body, mind, and spirit.
02:46We offer a complete spiritual reset
02:48and a great excuse to tell your family and friends
02:51that you're into psychedelics as you trip balls in the incredible heat
02:55and 90% humidity of the rainforest where I built this tax-free community.
03:01Once you get here, you can call me master and submit your testimony,
03:05which I will withhold and use against you if you ever come for me.
03:08This is not a cult.
03:11Our life is but a fragile puzzle of a million glass shards
03:16that you broke when you took that stupid corporate job
03:18that some big Horton company forced you to take
03:21to pay for your Horton-owned rental unit shoebox you've decided to call home.
03:26Based on the cost of our program, you're probably pretty rich
03:29or have spent all your savings on this retreat,
03:32because let me tell you, it ain't cheap.
03:35And he doesn't even pay us very much.
03:36Like at all.
03:38However, we do get the ultimate blessing and payment
03:41of getting to live and work in this amazing, accepting community
03:45right here in this ancient rainforest
03:47where we have no internet, no regard for the indigenous population,
03:51and no access to a real shower.
03:53And some people refuse to wear deodorant.
03:56It affects my lymph nodes and it makes you look swollen, Daffodil.
04:01Stop calling me Daffodil. My name is Daisy,
04:03which is just a normal person's name.
04:06Our community is one that has touched the hearts of so many people,
04:11mostly from America. Good, rich people
04:14who will literally pay for discomfort.
04:16You'll have no choice but to feel absolutely amazing
04:20once you get home, because it kind of sucks here.
04:23We cover all sides of wellness, from what you eat,
04:27how you move, and expressing your innermost frustrations in a safe space.
04:31Speaking of which, we have a special program here
04:34just for women, where you can run through the forest
04:37and scream at the top of your lungs.
04:41This is a completely random Western ideology
04:44that seems to be trending online.
04:46So I thought I would just get a bunch of idiots to sign up
04:48and go wild in the woods.
04:50Even with our experimental take on wellness,
04:53we do aim to bring the authentic practice of Eastern spirituality
04:56to the Western Hemisphere.
04:58And that's why our retreat is in the Costa Rica,
05:01where I love to vacation.
05:03You're basically paying me to go on vacation permanently,
05:05but it's really hot here and the beaches are nice.
05:07And to keep things extra authentic,
05:09we put a profile photo of a guy from India
05:12under the blog I write on our website,
05:14so we can be sure that we didn't forget about where yoga comes from.
05:18Wait, Roger, Raj doesn't actually work here?
05:23Of course not. You think a guy named Raj Hortini is real?
05:28It's literally just my name, but made slightly ethnic.
05:31Can I also get a cool Indian avatar too?
05:34No, better not.
05:35It's kind of a strange, racist, unfettered version of cultural appropriation
05:40that I rationalize because of profits.
05:43I'm literally a snake oil salesman.
05:46That's right. You can take home some wellness too.
05:49Once you sign up for your retreat,
05:51you'll get the option to purchase tons of tinctures, products, and potions.
05:55Take home a lifetime supply of Raj holistic water when you leave,
05:59so you can be well forever.
06:00So spend $15,000 on this retreat and come on down and do some yoga.
06:05Fart a lot, never shower, and am I forgetting anything?
06:10The drugs.
06:12I've been Raj-er.
06:15And I want you to just f***ing relax for once.
06:18Can I get an ohm?
06:21Ohm.
06:30Do you do animals?