The Three Badasses Who Want Me (2024) - Full Movie
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Ellen Musk, the only woman on the Forbes 30 under 30 list, arrives at Atlanta today.
00:00:12What a business tycoon is doing here in Georgia, a forgotten stage no one knows.
00:00:16Angela, my next door neighbor, still selling your hippie junk here?
00:00:21If your mother-in-law sees, she's going to throw a big fit again.
00:00:26Your mother-in-law was right about you.
00:00:29What's the point of watching the news all day about these moguls if you can't even apply
00:00:32it to your penniless self?
00:00:34And how do you know that this is none of my business?
00:00:38Alright, everybody get out!
00:00:41We got an important guest coming!
00:00:45You!
00:00:50You deaf?
00:00:51I said pack up and scram!
00:00:52I paid the staff here already, and if you want me to leave, then fine, but you have
00:00:57to compensate for today's losses.
00:01:00You want to say that again?
00:01:03You know who's visiting today?
00:01:06Ellen freakin' Musk, one of the richest people in the world.
00:01:09Ellen Musk?
00:01:10Of course, a hick like you probably never heard of her.
00:01:13Just know that you can't afford to piss her off.
00:01:17Really?
00:01:18Ellen Musk is flying all the way to Atlanta just to come to some flea market?
00:01:22You don't think that she could be coming to see me?
00:01:27Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:01:30Coming to see you?
00:01:31Alright, you know what, I'll play your game.
00:01:34If she does it so much as give you a glance, I'll eat dirt.
00:01:41Deal.
00:01:50Ellen Musk, get to the flea market within ten minutes, or else, you're fired.
00:01:57Hmm.
00:02:14Prepare the limo.
00:02:15Ms. Lockhart requires us immediately.
00:02:24Ah, your ten minutes is almost up.
00:02:26Good.
00:02:27Hope you don't wet your pants.
00:02:29Five, four, three, two, one.
00:02:41Ellen!
00:02:42Uh, I mean, Ms. Musk, uh, Ellen, uh, I mean, uh, I'm sorry that I, uh, sorry to frighten you.
00:02:50How's my boss bitch?
00:02:52Kickin' ass, girlfriend.
00:02:53So, how do you, like...
00:02:57She's my boss?
00:02:58Eh, I prefer business partner or best friend.
00:03:03No way.
00:03:07Well?
00:03:12No, no, no, I'm sorry for offending your boss.
00:03:14No, I won't do it again.
00:03:19Alright, that's enough.
00:03:20We're not tyrants here.
00:03:23Sir, I found Angela Lockhart.
00:03:36You mean Angela Lockhart.
00:03:38The honorary bride.
00:03:41You made me lose one million dollars in just one game of poker.
00:03:46Who are you?
00:03:49Where is she?
00:03:51Atlanta.
00:03:53And you were right.
00:03:54It was secretly her propping up Ellen Musk.
00:03:56My clever bride.
00:03:58I will chase you to the end of the world if I have to.
00:04:04Max, prep the jet.
00:04:07I'm heading to Atlanta.
00:04:12Dr. Wilson, Devin Sterling's on the move.
00:04:14He's headed to Atlanta.
00:04:16Atlanta?
00:04:17The game is afoot.
00:04:18I'm going.
00:04:20Wait, Dr. Wilson, the Prince of Bhutan needs your medical attention.
00:04:22Wait, I need to pick up my bride.
00:04:28Dr. Wilson!
00:04:35General Eisenhower reporting, sir!
00:04:38Devin Sterling and Shane Wilson are headed to Atlanta.
00:04:41Atlanta!
00:04:43Where is that?
00:04:45Whatever, prepare my warplanes.
00:04:47Those two are going after my fiancee.
00:04:50This is war.
00:04:52No!
00:05:07I've secretly allowed your husband, Jared Cooper, to win the bid on the Maple Plaza project like you asked me to.
00:05:13Thank you so much, Ellen.
00:05:15This is going to be the best anniversary gift ever.
00:05:18That project is worth billions.
00:05:20He can finally take his company public.
00:05:22But, Angela.
00:05:24My boss.
00:05:26I don't understand why you do so much for him behind the scenes without ever revealing your true identity.
00:05:32Without your backing.
00:05:34No offense, but he's nothing without you.
00:05:37Well, three years ago.
00:05:52You saved me.
00:05:58He saved me and I fell in love with him instantly.
00:06:03I didn't want to reveal my true identity because I didn't want him to feel the pressure of being with a billionaire heiress.
00:06:10But now, with this contract, I feel like we'll be on more equal footing and then I can finally come out to the public.
00:06:16So that's why you have me secretly helping him.
00:06:19I'm sure he'll be moved when he finds out.
00:06:24But why work at the flea market?
00:06:27Are you disguising yourself to test him?
00:06:31Well, these exotic spices are incredibly rare and cost a fortune to find.
00:06:36Plus, I get to make the best dishes for my hubby and his mom.
00:06:40You seem happy being a housewife.
00:06:45Where the hell are you?
00:06:47Don't tell me you were selling junk at the flea market again.
00:06:50Get home, stat.
00:06:52It's a big day today.
00:06:54That was...
00:06:56My mother-in-law, Carol.
00:06:58She judges me because she thinks I come from a lower-class family.
00:07:01But I'm not a lower-class family.
00:07:04I'm not a low-class family.
00:07:06I'm not a low-class family.
00:07:07She thinks I come from a lower-class family.
00:07:09But she's going to be ecstatic tonight when I finally come out and tell her who I really am.
00:07:15You know, she even remembered our 30-year anniversary.
00:07:23Please spend more time with my son.
00:07:27Hi, I'm home.
00:07:29I have a big announcement I have to make.
00:07:32Finally, you're back. Now sign the divorce papers.
00:07:34Divorce papers?
00:07:37Is this some sort of misunderstanding, Mom?
00:07:40Oh, God.
00:07:42Don't call me Mom again.
00:07:44We're ending that relationship.
00:07:46Just look at you.
00:07:48Dirt all over.
00:07:50You're selling the title of Mrs. Cooper.
00:07:52You don't deserve my son.
00:07:54You're way below his league.
00:07:56I'm below his league?
00:07:58That's right.
00:08:00You are.
00:08:02Jared is signing a $100 billion contract tomorrow with the Ellen Musk.
00:08:08And then his company is going public.
00:08:11That's how much he's accomplished in three years.
00:08:14But you?
00:08:16You're still just a stinky, hippie peddler.
00:08:19Jared's like the king in the clouds.
00:08:22And you?
00:08:24You will always just be a pawn.
00:08:27Like dirt on our shoes.
00:08:30Dirt on your shoes?
00:08:33But Ellen Musk works for me.
00:08:36You're delusional.
00:08:38You will never upgrade to a queen.
00:08:41How dare you compare yourself to the real deal here?
00:08:46Resorting to lies is definitely not good enough for Jared.
00:08:50And who are you to come into my house and meddle with my family matters?
00:08:57You're nothing.
00:08:59You're nothing but a pathetic excuse for a wife.
00:09:05Jared deserves a queen like Kaylee.
00:09:08Not a lowlife dirtbag.
00:09:10Enough!
00:09:12Jared, I knew you wouldn't divorce me.
00:09:16But I am.
00:09:18Don't fight it, Angela.
00:09:20Here's $500,000.
00:09:22You'll never make as much as a hippie peddler selling spices.
00:09:25Now sign the papers, take your check, and leave.
00:09:28Don't embarrass yourself further.
00:09:32I've done so much for you these past three years.
00:09:36Did that not mean anything to you?
00:09:39Didn't expect you to be so greedy.
00:09:42Fine.
00:09:44Here's another $200,000.
00:09:46$500,000 is too much for her already.
00:09:49She's done nothing.
00:09:51Hasn't even contributed a grandchild.
00:09:53She just sells cheap grass all day.
00:09:56Is that really how much I'm worth to all of you?
00:10:00I took care of both of you these past three years.
00:10:04You think we can't just hire a maid to cook for us or something?
00:10:09And she wouldn't embarrass us with that permanent stench?
00:10:13A hippie peddler becoming the wife of a CEO?
00:10:17What a joke.
00:10:19If you actually love my son,
00:10:21you'll sign the damn divorce papers already.
00:10:24And leave.
00:10:27You really think that Jared would have gotten that Mabel Plaza bid without me?
00:10:32Let alone taking the company public?
00:10:35I did everything for you, Jared.
00:10:38Now you take credit for my son's success?
00:10:45It's all my work.
00:10:48Baby.
00:10:49Baby.
00:10:51We're going to be late for the auction if we keep letting this psycho stall us.
00:10:57You did say you would win me Princess Diana's tiara, didn't you?
00:11:02So, she's the reason for the divorce.
00:11:06She's worth more than you, Angela.
00:11:10Fine.
00:11:12I'll sign it.
00:11:14But don't regret it.
00:11:17Regret?
00:11:19Do you know who I am?
00:11:21Yeah, a cockroach that only knows how to crawl her way into a married man's bed?
00:11:25I'm Eric Vanderbilt's only daughter.
00:11:29Jared winning the bid on Mabel Plaza was because of my dad.
00:11:35Because he's business partners with Ellen Musk.
00:11:38It's part of the power that I have as an elite.
00:11:43You can't do shit because you're poor.
00:11:46Social stratum matters.
00:11:49Yeah, social stratum does matter.
00:11:52And the Coopers are beneath me.
00:11:56And you really think Ellen Musk would come to Atlanta if it weren't for me?
00:12:01Ha! You're delusional.
00:12:04Now sign the papers and scram!
00:12:10You owe me.
00:12:12You dirty bitch. You sicken me.
00:12:19You hit me.
00:12:24Now sign the papers, take a check, and get the fuck out!
00:12:42I don't need your pity money.
00:12:46We're finished.
00:12:47You don't want the money? That's your loss.
00:12:50Your check is just pennies to me.
00:12:54But I would like my ring back.
00:13:05Have fun on your economy flight while I catch a ride on my private helicopter out of here.
00:13:17And I'm way out of your league.
00:13:24Isn't that the Winston Blue Diamond Ring?
00:13:28It's worth tens of millions of dollars.
00:13:32Oh, it's probably just cheap glass.
00:13:35Something she found at the flea market.
00:13:37You're right. She could never afford anything so expensive.
00:13:41Congrats, Jared Boo Boo.
00:13:44On getting rid of that dirt bag.
00:13:47Oh! My dad says there's going to be a secret big shot financial tycoon at tomorrow's summit.
00:13:54Bigger big shot than Ellen Musk?
00:13:57Yeah. And nobody's met them, but I can introduce you.
00:14:02Everything's thanks to you, babe.
00:14:04Everything's thanks to you, babe.
00:14:21Angela, Mr. Vanderbilt, the richest man in Georgia, wants to schedule a meeting before the bidding.
00:14:26Vanderbilt?
00:14:27Yeah, he's actually CEO of one of our companies. Basically our employee.
00:14:31Okay, I'll meet him at the summit tomorrow. It's fine.
00:14:34You're still going to the summit tomorrow? But you and Jared Cooper are already divorced.
00:14:38That's exactly why I'm going.
00:15:01Angela Lockhart.
00:15:04I finally found you.
00:15:07Who is he?
00:15:09That? That's Devin Sterling.
00:15:12He's number one on Forbes' 30 under 30 list, an early investor of crypto, CEO of Sterling Enterprises.
00:15:18Rumor has it he's worth trillions.
00:15:21And he's your fiancé.
00:15:24What? My fiancé?
00:15:28The one and only.
00:15:30So, after running away and leaving me single for three years,
00:15:36have you figured out how you're going to make it up to me yet, babe?
00:15:47That tiara looks perfect on you.
00:15:53What is she doing here?
00:15:56You skank. My son just divorced you yesterday and you're already hooking up with another man?
00:16:03Divorced?
00:16:05That's right. So, I guess this was never meant to be, Mr...
00:16:11Sterling. Devin Sterling.
00:16:15So she has to hide her marital status to find another man.
00:16:18Guess she's not just a forsaken woman.
00:16:20Guess she's not just a forsaken woman.
00:16:22She's also a stinky, penniless whore.
00:16:28How dare you insult my boss like that?
00:16:31Who the fuck are you, bitch?
00:16:34Do you know who I am?
00:16:37They don't know who you are.
00:16:40You hide it well.
00:16:42X-Team!
00:16:44Teach these fools a lesson.
00:16:47Teach these fools a lesson.
00:16:50Sir, you were kind of in a rush when you flew to Atlanta and then to New York.
00:16:56You forgot to bring the security team.
00:17:03Mind if I, uh, borrow your men?
00:17:10Chelsea's ill-mannered ex out.
00:17:13You bitch. I'll have my son teach you a real lesson.
00:17:18I'll have my son teach you a real lesson.
00:17:25A kiss as a reward, my lady?
00:17:29No.
00:17:37Guest list is very distinguished tonight.
00:17:40You've got Bill Ford, Harvey Buffett, old money like me.
00:17:44Gentlemen, Harvey, Bill, this is Jared Cooper.
00:17:48Pleased to meet you all.
00:17:49Your families all started empires after the Industrial Revolution.
00:17:52What an honor.
00:17:54I heard you secured the Maple Plaza project.
00:17:56It's worth billions of dollars.
00:17:58Congrats. You'll be next.
00:18:01But we haven't received the contract yet, but we deserve it.
00:18:04Oh, that's nothing. I introduced this kid to Ellen Musk.
00:18:07Vanderbilts and Miss Musk have always had a good relationship.
00:18:11So, thought I'd help the kid out, pull a few strings.
00:18:15Thank you, Mr. Manville.
00:18:17Now, we just have to impress Miss Musk's special guest of honor.
00:18:21Yes, I heard they're a very important and powerful guest.
00:18:26Even wealthier than Ellen Musk.
00:18:29Now, if we can just secure a position with this big shot, we can feast for generations.
00:18:38I'll do my best.
00:18:41Excuse me.
00:18:42Second gentleman.
00:18:44What if it's the Prince of Bhutan?
00:18:49How did a hobo like you sneak in here?
00:18:51Me? A hobo?
00:18:53How did a cheating scumbag like you sneak in here?
00:18:56You sleep your way in?
00:18:57I told you, Angela Lockhart, don't bother stalking me.
00:19:00Nothing will come of it, and it only sickens me further.
00:19:03Don't flatter yourself.
00:19:05This is your ex-husband?
00:19:09What, were you blindfolded when you married him?
00:19:11Who the hell is this?
00:19:13You were cheating on me?
00:19:25Son, you have to avenge me and Kate.
00:19:29I'm sorry.
00:19:31I'm sorry.
00:19:32Son, you have to avenge me and Kaylee.
00:19:35That wicked ex-wife of yours hired some thugs and a gigolo to beat us up.
00:19:41They even took Kaylee's tiara.
00:19:55You dare hurt my mom and Kaylee?
00:20:00Get your hands off of her.
00:20:02Get your hands off of her.
00:20:06My lady.
00:20:21My queen.
00:20:32It's...
00:20:34It's him!
00:20:36He scammed a million dollars off me in a game of poker yesterday.
00:20:39Who are these peasants?
00:20:41These seats are reserved for thee, Ellen Musk, and her special guest.
00:20:46Oh, shut up, old man.
00:20:49You're disturbing the peace.
00:20:53Fuckers, you know who that is?
00:20:55That's Eric Vanderbilt.
00:20:56You have any idea how many generations of wealth he has?
00:21:00His ancestors built the railway and steamship empire of America.
00:21:04This civil war would not have been won without his family's involvement.
00:21:08Vanderbilt.
00:21:10The father of that skank, Kaylee Vanderbilt,
00:21:14who only knows how to crawl her way into a married man's bed.
00:21:19That the Lee Vanderbilt family?
00:21:21Oh, goddammit, a stomachache now?
00:21:27Whatever.
00:21:29Angela can handle herself. She'll be fine.
00:21:41How dare he!
00:21:43I'm sorry.
00:21:44I'm sorry.
00:21:45I'm sorry.
00:21:46I'm sorry.
00:21:48I'm sorry.
00:21:49How dare you call one of us low?
00:21:52I'm Harvey F. N. Buffett, the most important investor in the entire stock market.
00:21:58I can wipe you out with a simple pinky only.
00:22:02And I can wipe you out with just a strand of my hair.
00:22:06Not with me around.
00:22:08I, Bill Ford, and the entire Ford Auto Empire stand with these gentlemen.
00:22:13You're all just peasants compared to who I really am.
00:22:17You're fucking delusional, Angela.
00:22:21We've had enough of your games.
00:22:23Security!
00:22:24Break their limbs and toss them out.
00:22:27Looks like the old guard's teaming up against you.
00:22:30But don't worry.
00:22:31You got new money here.
00:22:35I can handle myself, thank you.
00:22:37Yes, my queen.
00:22:40You're all despicable.
00:22:43An insult to your family names.
00:22:47Now, it's my turn to rule.
00:22:51Destroy Jared Cooper.
00:22:54Cut off all business ties.
00:22:56And if you don't,
00:22:59I will take away all of your family's wealth and power.
00:23:04I knew it.
00:23:05You're here to fuck with me.
00:23:07You can't fool anyone here.
00:23:09How much money did you spend on that getup to hire that gigolo to make me jealous?
00:23:13You're an orphan who sells hippie spices at a flea market.
00:23:17You have nothing, and you will always be nothing.
00:23:22She's a gold digger.
00:23:24Gold digger?
00:23:25Gigolo.
00:23:27Wanna try me for a night?
00:23:30Yeah, you're a little too pricey.
00:23:32Mr. Vanderbilt, we really shouldn't keep these bandits here any longer.
00:23:35They might upset Miss Ellen Musk and her special guest.
00:23:38Angela Lockhart is my spurned ex-wife.
00:23:40I'm not here to try and ruin my bid on the Maple Plaza project.
00:23:42Oh, I'm gonna kill that sushi chef!
00:23:45Security!
00:23:51Security!
00:23:53You all don't realize that you actually all work for me.
00:23:56And now you're trying to throw a coup?
00:23:58You!
00:24:00Insolent fools.
00:24:03Let me guess.
00:24:04You're that special guest?
00:24:06I don't know.
00:24:09Throw them out!
00:24:10And not without some broken bones, too.
00:24:19Back to our next.
00:24:24I got this.
00:24:39Whoa!
00:24:43Hey!
00:24:44Hey!
00:24:45No!
00:24:52What the hell are you two doing here?
00:24:54I thought we were supposed to guard you.
00:24:56No, you're supposed to make sure Miss Lockhart is okay.
00:24:59Oh my god, we're so screwed!
00:25:09Angela!
00:25:11Don't hurt her!
00:25:13You bitch.
00:25:14I've always been sick of you.
00:25:15You just threw yourself at me.
00:25:17How dare you insult my boss like that?
00:25:19Boss?
00:25:20Did she say her boss?
00:25:22Miss Musk?
00:25:23That's Ellen Musk?
00:25:25That woman right there is Angela Lockhart.
00:25:28My boss and sole heiress to the Henry Lockhart's fortune.
00:25:31Their lineage is older than this country itself.
00:25:34Past the American Revolution?
00:25:36Back to the Renaissance.
00:25:38If she's your boss, then that means Angela Lockhart is...
00:25:41That's Lady Lockhart to you.
00:25:43She's royalty.
00:25:44And since you're all subsidiaries, she's your boss's boss.
00:25:48What are you going to do?
00:25:50Kneel to me.
00:25:51Oh, your majesty.
00:25:54Welcome to the United States.
00:25:57We've always been your loyal subjects.
00:26:00Yes, your highness.
00:26:02Is it a queen or princess?
00:26:05It doesn't matter.
00:26:07My queen, please forgive our insolence.
00:26:10We didn't mean to offend.
00:26:13What are you doing, you idiot?
00:26:15Let go of the boss lady and beg for forgiveness.
00:26:28What rightfully belongs to you.
00:26:37She's a badass herself.
00:26:39He missed out on a good wife.
00:26:41You.
00:26:42You.
00:26:43You told me your wife was a hippie peddler.
00:26:46Turns out you were the freeloading scumbag this entire time.
00:26:49No.
00:26:50No.
00:26:51Don't believe their lies.
00:26:52I worked hard for everything.
00:26:53You worked for everything?
00:27:00I'm sorry.
00:27:01I'm sorry.
00:27:02I'm sorry.
00:27:03I'm sorry.
00:27:04I'm sorry.
00:27:05I'm sorry.
00:27:06I'm sorry.
00:27:07I'm sorry.
00:27:08I'm sorry.
00:27:09I'm sorry.
00:27:10I'm sorry.
00:27:11I'm sorry.
00:27:12I'm sorry.
00:27:13So, our 30 year anniversary is coming up and I thought that maybe we can do something special
00:27:15this year?
00:27:16I can't focus on anything trivial like that.
00:27:17I have to figure out this bid for the Maple Closet project and if I get it, I can take
00:27:22it to the company public.
00:27:31You were nothing before me.
00:27:33All your achievements, all your glory, that's all mine, including the Maple Plaza contract.
00:27:41I can take all of that away, just like that.
00:27:46No, you can't take that away from me.
00:27:48That's why Ellen Musk was urging us to pass on deals to this nobody.
00:27:52Oh, and this antique wedding ring?
00:27:55Yeah, I forgot to tell you.
00:27:57It was Queen Victoria's, and its worth is equivalent to more than an entire country's GDP.
00:28:08Oh, no. I gave you back the ring?
00:28:11I divorced a royal heiress?
00:28:14No! No, Angela, please, no!
00:28:17No, please take me back, baby, I still love you!
00:28:24Oh, man, looks like they've started the party without us.
00:28:26No one's allowed to start a fight without Cole Eisenhower!
00:28:35God, these two again.
00:28:37Did he say... Is he Cole Eisenhower?
00:28:40President Eisenhower's descendant. After General Eisenhower won World War II,
00:28:44each of his descendants have all gone on to become five-star generals, the highest rank in the nation's military.
00:28:49Bloody buffoons know your history.
00:28:51Sorry I'm late, babe. I got lost trying to find Atlanta.
00:28:54Then lost again on my way back to New York.
00:29:01And that there is, that is the legendary boy genius, Dr. Wilson.
00:29:06He's Dr. House's protege!
00:29:08Dr. House? I thought that was just a TV show.
00:29:11Oh, no, that's based on real figures.
00:29:13Yep, that's me. Son of James House.
00:29:16Dr. House? He's practically my uncle.
00:29:19I correctly diagnosed the Pope before him when I was just 12 years old.
00:29:23So he's been off crying himself a waterfall somewhere in the Netherlands for the last 14 months.
00:29:28And I'm late because I ran out of gum and had to make a pit stop.
00:29:36Hey, Ellen. Who are these weirdos and why are they here?
00:29:40Uh, they're all your fiancés.
00:29:43What? Fiancés?
00:29:48Plural?
00:29:49Fiancés.
00:29:50Plural?
00:29:52Watch it, nerds. I'm her fiancé.
00:29:55No, I'm her fiancé.
00:29:56You can both shut up. I'm her fiancé.
00:29:59It's you.
00:30:00It's me. Who the hell is he?
00:30:02I'm Spider-Man.
00:30:05How are all three of these men my fiancé?
00:30:10Your father had arranged these engagements years ago, but I didn't tell you because he decided to marry Jared Cooper at the time.
00:30:17He has three badass fiancés and she marries his dumb ass.
00:30:24Whatever.
00:30:25Since you're all here, help me finish him.
00:30:30Since you're all here, help me finish him.
00:30:35At your service.
00:30:37Me too.
00:30:43One down, two more to go.
00:30:45She's become a queen.
00:30:46Bishop to G4.
00:30:51Ow! Ow! Ow! What is that?
00:30:55The most German festin' water in the Nile River.
00:31:01Rook to A8.
00:31:07Hello.
00:31:11I thought I was king.
00:31:12No, you wish.
00:31:13The king doesn't do anything.
00:31:15So, Alan can be my king.
00:31:17Oh, fine.
00:31:22Bankrupt to four. It's right this second.
00:31:29I...
00:31:31I've been bankrupt!
00:31:33No!
00:31:34Who is...
00:31:41I've been bankrupt! No!
00:31:43I told you I would remove all of you from status and power if you didn't cooperate.
00:31:48Well, guess what? Game over.
00:31:50Alright, boys. Let's figure out this four-way engagement.
00:31:54Oh, that's serious business.
00:31:56I'm right with you.
00:31:59Wait for me. Nobody beats me to the finish line.
00:32:04I'm right with you.
00:32:11Angela!
00:32:15You already have three fiancés?
00:32:17You can't accuse me of cheating.
00:32:19I want compensation.
00:32:24You greedy SOB.
00:32:26Who the fuck is that?
00:32:27My ex-husband.
00:32:29Wait, you were married?
00:32:31Yeah, and if that's a problem for you, then you can totally back out of this engagement.
00:32:36More for me?
00:32:37No, no, of course not.
00:32:38Just...
00:32:39Do you want me to check your eyes for you?
00:32:42Don't steal my joke.
00:32:43I can make him disappear without a trace.
00:32:45All evidence of your past with him will be gone.
00:32:49What? Is there something on my face?
00:32:51Uh, yeah.
00:32:52Murderous intent.
00:32:54Let's remarry.
00:32:56Let's remarry.
00:32:58You still don't realize.
00:33:00I only fell in love with you because you saved me from drowning three years ago.
00:33:31Sir, it's an emergency.
00:33:32We need to wreck right away.
00:33:34Nicole Eisenhower and Shane Wilson are causing mayhem at the company warehouse.
00:33:38Okay, I'm on my way.
00:33:42She should be okay now.
00:33:47Hey, you!
00:33:49Watch over here.
00:33:50I'll be right back.
00:33:52Fuck.
00:33:59You saved me.
00:34:03Fuck.
00:34:04I unwittingly gave away my own wife.
00:34:08Fuck.
00:34:09I unwittingly gave away my own wife.
00:34:11You've cheated on me, you've hit me, and you've insulted me.
00:34:16And after all that, I never want to see you again.
00:34:20I fucking hate you.
00:34:23Lady Lockhart.
00:34:25God, what now?
00:34:27Yes, we understand that you are a very busy person,
00:34:32but if you're not going to give your ex-husband the Maple Plaza project...
00:34:36How about us three?
00:34:37Yes, unlike that scumbag, we won't turn on you.
00:34:41Yeah, no. You're all fired for trying to throw a coup.
00:34:46This is your fault, you doofus!
00:34:48We never should have believed your bullshit!
00:34:50No, no.
00:34:53We can't lose our positions with Ellen Musk and the Lockharts.
00:34:58I'll get you for this!
00:35:07I never should have listened to you.
00:35:08I'm ruined because of you!
00:35:19So, what's the situation here?
00:35:23I don't want to marry you!
00:35:33I don't want to marry you!
00:35:36Listen, I only met you guys a few hours ago,
00:35:40and I'm not interested in flash marriages.
00:35:43What?
00:35:44What if I told you that we've known each other for much longer than just a few hours?
00:35:49Much longer.
00:35:54Angela, your parents would like to have a video call with all of you.
00:36:02My lovely princess, how are you?
00:36:05Look, your mother and I are in Italy.
00:36:07The views here are absolutely stunning.
00:36:11Perfect for a wedding, wouldn't you say?
00:36:13I heard you finally divorced that good-for-nothing, blood-sucking,
00:36:18freeloader husband of yours.
00:36:20I can't call his name, but anyway, congratulations!
00:36:24I've selected three prime young men for you to choose from to replace him.
00:36:29You must pick one of them to marry, otherwise...
00:36:33Let me do it.
00:36:35You must choose one of them.
00:36:37Let me do it.
00:36:39You must choose one of them in seven days, otherwise...
00:36:43We'll kill ourselves.
00:36:45Mom!
00:36:47Alright honey, that's it.
00:36:49Bye! Bye!
00:36:55So, who are you going to choose?
00:36:59Well, what if I want all three of you?
00:37:04Well, what if I want all three of you?
00:37:09That seems greedy.
00:37:16But I can always remove the other two options.
00:37:21Hey, I may be a doctor, but I can take lives too.
00:37:25I know and have access to all the deadliest poisons in the world.
00:37:30Whoa, okay, no murder please, I was just kidding.
00:37:36You have seven days to win her over.
00:37:38Ooh, it's like The Bachelorette.
00:37:41I know, we'll start with challenge one.
00:37:46Welcome to the show, The Three Badasses Who Want Me.
00:37:50Today, we have our first challenge.
00:37:55What is all of this, Ellen?
00:37:58You'll see.
00:38:07Oh my god, oh my god, cockroaches!
00:38:10All women are afraid of cockroaches,
00:38:13and it is every man's job to save their beloved woman from this monstrosity of a creature.
00:38:18What will our three candidates do to prove their undying love for our single woman,
00:38:23but screaming her head off heiress?
00:38:29Uh, looks like one of our contestants has already called it quits.
00:38:33It's up to the final two.
00:38:59Crunchy.
00:39:01That is sick cold.
00:39:03Hey, when you're stranded in the middle of the battlefield,
00:39:06you'll be glad to see one of these around.
00:39:10There are two more left, wanna try one?
00:39:12God, no, no!
00:39:15Oh my god, save me!
00:39:17Save you? You're gonna save me!
00:39:22I'm a germophobe doctor, these hands can't get germs on them.
00:39:25These hands can't get germs on them, they're for surgery and saving lives!
00:39:44Thank god you're here.
00:39:47Are you alright, honey?
00:39:50Angela!
00:39:52Alright, you won the first challenge, so your reward,
00:39:56you get to watch over her for the night.
00:39:59Just don't cross the line, if you know what I mean.
00:40:02I'm not her scumbag husband, you have nothing to worry about.
00:40:10Honestly, even if you guys fuck, it's not like it's against the rules or anything.
00:40:13At least my girl can get some.
00:40:15I bet her husband has a small dick anyway.
00:40:19The cockroaches!
00:40:21They're gone, they're gone.
00:40:23There's nothing in this room except you and me, okay?
00:40:26I'm going to kill Ellen when I see her tomorrow.
00:40:33I need a drink.
00:40:43Whoa, easy, you're on an empty stomach.
00:40:46Why do you care?
00:40:48I'm trying to drink away your sorrows, Angela.
00:40:53You guys were right.
00:40:55I was blind from marrying that asshole.
00:40:58You know, I wasted three whole years of my life with him.
00:41:04He never even loved me.
00:41:06And I gave up my entire career for him.
00:41:09Hey.
00:41:13Do you really think that you would still be number one on the Forbes 30 under 30 list if I was around?
00:41:21You may not be number one on Forbes list, but you know what you're number one in?
00:41:26What?
00:41:30You're number one here.
00:41:32What?
00:41:38You know, we've known each other kind of a long time.
00:41:41Lies.
00:41:44You all just want something from me.
00:41:51Angela, I know it's hard to trust again.
00:41:56But I assure you, I don't care what family you're from.
00:42:02I'm the richest man in the nation.
00:42:04I don't need your power, your status, your wealth, your connections.
00:42:12I just need you.
00:42:16I'll prove my love to you within six days.
00:42:18I promise.
00:42:27Screw the contest. I just want love.
00:42:32Angela, you're drunk.
00:42:35I'm an adult. Can't a girl just get what she wants?
00:42:39Okay.
00:42:45But love and sex aren't exactly the same thing.
00:42:48Well, they're not mutually exclusive either.
00:42:57Come on.
00:43:03If this is what you want.
00:43:27Nine-inch penis.
00:43:29Morning to you too.
00:43:31You sure you weren't drunk last night?
00:43:33A girl remembers when she's had a nine-inch penis inside of her.
00:43:39Well, glad you enjoyed it.
00:43:42But don't tell Shane or Cole.
00:43:45Because then they would...
00:43:47Say that you were being unfair?
00:43:49Technically, us having sex doesn't break any rules.
00:43:52I won the first challenge, and according to Ellen,
00:43:55my prize was to spend a night with you anyway.
00:43:58Don't make this any harder than it already is.
00:44:05You sure you don't want it pretty hard?
00:44:08Stop.
00:44:11Fine, fine, fine.
00:44:16I won't tell.
00:44:18Fine.
00:44:21I won't tell.
00:44:23But only on one condition.
00:44:27I won't tell.
00:44:29But only on one condition.
00:44:32You have to go out on a date with me.
00:44:35Fine.
00:44:39I've had a crush on you since college, Angela.
00:44:43You never noticed me.
00:44:47Oh.
00:44:49You should get dressed and get out of here before anyone sees you.
00:44:54It's only 7am. She's still sleeping.
00:44:56I'm not sleeping alone.
00:44:58Yeah, I'm not letting my fiancé be alone with another man for another second.
00:45:04Morning, gentlemen.
00:45:06Or shall I say ruffmen?
00:45:08Oh, don't mind him.
00:45:10What's up, guys?
00:45:12We're ready for the second challenge.
00:45:14No cockroaches this time.
00:45:16Yes. No more terrifying things. That was my bad, Angela.
00:45:19This better be a good challenge, Ellen.
00:45:22I'm sure you'll all enjoy this one.
00:45:24The second challenge is...
00:45:26The second challenge is...
00:45:28A date.
00:45:29Lame. I should have asked for something else.
00:45:31A date?
00:45:33That's it.
00:45:34What's the catch?
00:45:35No catch.
00:45:36Just who Ms. Lockhart enjoys spending her time with the most.
00:45:39As simple as that.
00:45:40I know what I want to do. Let's start with me first.
00:45:42Okay. Who's up first? Ben?
00:45:44Me.
00:45:45Saved the best for last.
00:45:47Ain't that right, Angela?
00:45:49Then it's decided.
00:45:53Please! Don't take my BMW away!
00:45:56Too bad. You pissed off the Lockharts.
00:46:00I have nothing left!
00:46:04It's that bitch who ruined me!
00:46:09It's that bitch who ruined me!
00:46:19You know Eisenhower, sir?
00:46:21At ease, Lieutenant.
00:46:23This is my lieutenant. He also manages this boxing gym.
00:46:26Pleasure to meet you, madam.
00:46:28At ease, Lieutenant. This is my lieutenant.
00:46:30He also manages this boxing gym.
00:46:32Pleasure to meet you, madam Eisenhower.
00:46:34He's so serious. But hang on.
00:46:37Lieutenant, I don't know who I'm going to marry yet.
00:46:40Baby, I decided to take you here on our first date so that I can introduce you to my guns.
00:46:45Guns? Like murder weapons?
00:46:48Yes. Murder weapons.
00:46:59I like my guns, babe.
00:47:01Pretty rock hard.
00:47:03Yeah.
00:47:05Let me show you what I can do with them.
00:47:07Lieutenant! Come close!
00:47:10Wait! You're just going to hit him like that? He's not even going to fight back?
00:47:14Fighting back would be treason, ma'am!
00:47:16Treason? You guys are way too serious.
00:47:19I'm sorry, ma'am.
00:47:21I'm sorry, ma'am.
00:47:23I'm sorry, ma'am.
00:47:25I'm sorry, ma'am.
00:47:27You guys are way too serious.
00:47:29Look, you rock hard bitch! I caught you!
00:47:32If I'm going down, you're all going down with me!
00:47:35Lieutenant, here's your attack!
00:47:49You dare try to hurt my wife?
00:47:54I will make you pay!
00:47:57If you don't need to keep beating him up, we could just take him to the cops.
00:48:00Not when he tries to hurt you!
00:48:08Zoe's a bit violent. Some might call it being protective.
00:48:12Poor anger issues. What if we get married and I forget to use a coaster on an antique table or something?
00:48:18Is he going to be, like, rough?
00:48:21Hey, some girls are into that.
00:48:23I don't know if I am.
00:48:26Well, maybe shame will be your type.
00:48:31Your date with Shane starts now.
00:48:38Hey. Cool ride.
00:48:41A gift from the Chancellor of Germany when I saved his wife.
00:48:44Impressive.
00:48:48Your breath smells like peppermint.
00:48:51Refreshing.
00:48:53I got cool mint, too. Or do you prefer spearmint?
00:48:58What do you not have in this coat of yours?
00:49:01Fruit flavored gum. I can't stand those.
00:49:04So, where are you taking me, Shane?
00:49:06Let me show you.
00:49:14Dr. Wilson!
00:49:16Our VIP of VIPs!
00:49:18Right this way.
00:49:19VIP of VIPs?
00:49:21Ah, just some other guy I saved. I forget who.
00:49:25You saved a lot of people.
00:49:27I do what I can.
00:49:29Oh, my gosh.
00:49:31It's my gold-digging neighbor who just got dumped by her husband.
00:49:35Sandra Miller, what are you doing here? I just thought this was for the VIP of VIPs.
00:49:41Your mother-in-law told me all about the divorce and how you hired some gigolo to beat her and Kaylee Vanderbilt up.
00:49:48Hello of you.
00:49:50What are you doing here, Sandra?
00:49:52Of course your bird brain wouldn't remember.
00:49:54I sell high-fashion jewelry pieces so high-end, you couldn't even afford even a few soldier organs.
00:50:00The auction begins.
00:50:02I'll deal with you later.
00:50:05Here, I'll just do this.
00:50:12Cameron, I have a task for you.
00:50:16Our next piece is absolutely extraordinary.
00:50:20Cleopatra's armband.
00:50:22Sold by our vendor, Sandra Miller, for five million dollars.
00:50:29Excuse me. I'd like to donate this piece to auction.
00:50:33It's Queen Victoria's ring.
00:50:36I'd like to donate this piece to auction.
00:50:38It's Queen Victoria's ring.
00:50:40What are you doing?
00:50:42Just watch.
00:50:44Come on.
00:50:49That is Queen Victoria's ring?
00:50:51Please, I'm an expert and that's a fake.
00:50:54She probably got it at the flea market she works at.
00:50:57You work at a flea market?
00:50:59Not this again.
00:51:00Cut the bullshit, that wouldn't even sell for five dollars.
00:51:03Oh yeah? Here, you want it? For free.
00:51:06Ew, I don't want that trash from a stinky hippie peddler.
00:51:11Well, that's too bad then.
00:51:13Because you are the fraud.
00:51:17What are you talking about?
00:51:18Who the hell are you to accuse me?
00:51:20Throw them out.
00:51:22Dr. Wilson, I know you're a legend in medicine,
00:51:25but we're professionals.
00:51:27Oh yeah?
00:51:28And that armband sells for five million dollars?
00:51:32Yeah, mine is the real thing.
00:51:34You two are just upset because you're too poor
00:51:37to afford our luxury items.
00:51:39Why is that so?
00:51:40What if a so-called expert fell to recognize
00:51:42Queen Victoria's ring then?
00:51:44Dear Lord, this is real.
00:51:49It's authentic.
00:51:50It's Queen Victoria's ring.
00:51:56Karen, what have you found?
00:51:58Yeah, that picture of Cleopatra's armband you sent me?
00:52:01It's a replica.
00:52:04They had the same one right here at the flea market.
00:52:08So, you are the fraud.
00:52:12You just went to the flea market so you can buy some fakes.
00:52:15And Cameron, how much are these fakes being sold for?
00:52:19150.
00:52:20Wow, not even five dollars.
00:52:23Sandra.
00:52:25You've been duping us the whole time?
00:52:28Arrest her!
00:52:30No, please!
00:52:31This is my time!
00:52:33Please!
00:52:34What's going on, Dr. Wilson?
00:52:36Uh, investigating lead poisoning from cheap jewelry
00:52:39for the Emperor of Japan. Bye.
00:52:41Black Callista from the jewelry industry forever.
00:52:52I had a really great time tonight.
00:52:55Me too.
00:52:56May I have a kiss?
00:53:07Hey.
00:53:09Something wrong?
00:53:11Do you always have gum in your mouth?
00:53:19Yep, you never have to worry about stinky breath from me.
00:53:24Ha!
00:53:26You owe us a bunch of money, Cooper.
00:53:30I don't have any money.
00:53:32How did you pay for this hotel then?
00:53:35I guess you'll only pay up
00:53:39if I break your other leg.
00:53:42Stop!
00:53:44Stop!
00:53:46Stop!
00:53:48Stop!
00:53:51Stop!
00:53:55Mr. Vanderbilt.
00:53:59Mr. Buffett.
00:54:04This is the contract for the Maple Plaza project.
00:54:07That's right.
00:54:08Miss Musk wanted me to give it to you.
00:54:10I knew Angelo was still in love with me.
00:54:13I knew Angelo was still in love with me.
00:54:16No, no, sorry about those injuries from earlier.
00:54:19She just doesn't understand.
00:54:22Yeah, we could be partners again.
00:54:25And then maybe you can tell Lady Lockhart
00:54:29to put in a good word for us?
00:54:31Angela still loves me.
00:54:32She's just throwing a fit.
00:54:34She'll be back to me soon enough.
00:54:36Yeah, do you need any help winning her back?
00:54:38We can give you jewelry to give to her.
00:54:41I was just sucking up to these pricks a few days ago
00:54:44and now they're all begging me to help them out.
00:54:46It feels so damn good to be in power.
00:54:49Sure.
00:54:51I'll put in a good word for you.
00:54:53I just need...
00:54:54Anything.
00:54:55You tell us, we'll give you anything.
00:54:57Once I take everything from these idiots
00:55:00I'll go after Angela Lockhart for my revenge.
00:55:09I'm giving the contract to Jared Cooper
00:55:11just like you asked me to.
00:55:13Well done, he'll be fucked soon.
00:55:16Well done, he'll be fucked soon.
00:55:19I don't get it, Ms. Musk.
00:55:21That contract has a preliminary clause.
00:55:23It requires him to pay 50% of the costs up front as a deposit.
00:55:26And if he can't, then what?
00:55:28He'll be bankrupt.
00:55:30So as long as he's greedy, I have to take it.
00:55:33I'm avenging my best friend.
00:55:36I want to show the world that without Angela Lockhart
00:55:38he's nothing.
00:55:44Oh, I signed the Maple Plaza project.
00:55:48We should celebrate.
00:55:50You did?
00:55:51You see, I know my son has it in him.
00:55:53That skank Angela is nothing next to you.
00:55:57And it's all thanks to you, sweetheart.
00:56:00Actually, it's thanks to Angela.
00:56:05What?
00:56:06You're trying to ditch me to go back to your wife?
00:56:09Oh, no, no, no, no, he's not.
00:56:11Jared, what are you doing?
00:56:13You have such a beautiful and bright future ahead of you.
00:56:17It's my decision, Mom.
00:56:19I'm the head of the house here.
00:56:21I'm telling my dad.
00:56:23Fine, go right ahead, he has enough problems himself.
00:56:25If you're obedient, I'll keep you around as a side piece.
00:56:28But if not, you can scram.
00:56:31Dad, Jared is being mean to me.
00:56:34Teach him a lesson.
00:56:36Kaylie, be a good girl, okay?
00:56:38Jared has the backing of some very powerful people now.
00:56:41Don't get on his bad side.
00:56:43We can't afford to piss him off.
00:56:45So do as he says.
00:56:47What, Dad?
00:56:55I'm sorry.
00:56:57I'll be your side piece.
00:56:59Very good.
00:57:00I'm happy you've come around.
00:57:02Now let's go celebrate.
00:57:05I mean, do I really want to be with Mr. Minty Mouth forever, though?
00:57:10But that tongue action, though.
00:57:12Tongue is important in more than just one spot.
00:57:15Ellen, we aren't in public.
00:57:17It's true.
00:57:18Oh, stomachache.
00:57:20Again?
00:57:21I have to run to the bathroom.
00:57:22Devin should be here to pick you up soon.
00:57:24Okay.
00:57:26Devin's late.
00:57:28Not a good sign for a date.
00:57:30This hotel restaurant has five Michelin stars.
00:57:35It's her.
00:57:36And she's alone.
00:57:37With no one to save her.
00:57:41You whore.
00:57:42You seduced my son so he'd get back with you.
00:57:48Let me tell you.
00:57:50I would never go back even if your entire family got down on their knees and begged me.
00:57:55Hey, you guys can fight all you want.
00:57:57You can take this somewhere else.
00:57:59Whoever gets rid of her for me gets all this.
00:58:02What?
00:58:03Why do I have to leave?
00:58:04She's the one starting shit.
00:58:06Because I have money and you don't.
00:58:08You're just a stinky, hippie peddler.
00:58:11And my son just signed a $100 billion contract.
00:58:15He still got the contract?
00:58:17Hmm.
00:58:18Must be Ellen's doing.
00:58:20Even if he's not.
00:58:22Hmm.
00:58:23Must be Ellen's doing.
00:58:24Even if he does sign it, he doesn't have the liquidity to pay the deposit up front.
00:58:28Oh, he's just gonna...
00:58:30Bet you've never seen this much cash before.
00:58:34Bet you've never seen this much cash before.
00:58:39You take my charity and toss it in my face as if it's your own.
00:58:44My maid wouldn't even pick up such a pitiful amount.
00:58:47$1,000 to take her away.
00:58:50$2,000 to drag her away.
00:58:53$5,000 to beat her away.
00:58:59Oh, oh, hey!
00:59:00Hey!
00:59:01Ow!
00:59:02Stop!
00:59:05You okay?
00:59:06Are you hurt?
00:59:11Weakling.
00:59:12You!
00:59:13You!
00:59:14Just a few days ago you found yourself a boy toy right after getting divorced.
00:59:17And now you have two more?
00:59:19What a whore.
00:59:21What a whore.
00:59:22Yeah.
00:59:23And Jared wanted to get back with her?
00:59:25What if she has an STD?
00:59:27Oh, like sleeping with a married man wouldn't give you an STD.
00:59:31Let's go.
00:59:33We'll expose her to Jared.
00:59:35Hang on.
00:59:37What do you want?
00:59:38I'll scream!
00:59:40I don't hit women.
00:59:41But I never said I don't kill women.
00:59:45But I never said I don't kill women.
00:59:47I never said I don't kill women.
00:59:50Oh, God.
00:59:51He is a murderer.
00:59:52What if he murders me?
00:59:54Not him.
00:59:55Definitely not him.
01:00:00We're not afraid of you.
01:00:02That's enough.
01:00:03This isn't a war zone.
01:00:05You'll be removed from being a five-star general if you hurt a civilian without adequate cause.
01:00:09I was just messing with them.
01:00:11Was he, though?
01:00:13We're not afraid of you.
01:00:15Jared, you have to avenge us.
01:00:17Look at this slut.
01:00:18She's found two more boy toys.
01:00:20She's cheating on you.
01:00:21Don't get back with her.
01:00:22Oh, Mr. Cooper, it's you.
01:00:24I apologize for this scene.
01:00:26I'll toss out the potty crashes immediately so that you can go to your salvation banquet.
01:00:30Who did you say you were going to toss out?
01:00:32Who did you say you were going to toss out?
01:00:34The potty crashes.
01:00:39You have any idea who that is?
01:00:41That's my wife.
01:00:42We saved that title for the real skank over there.
01:00:45That's right.
01:00:46Know your place.
01:00:47Shut up.
01:00:48She's cheating on you.
01:00:52Know your place.
01:00:53You're just a side piece, if I still want you, that is.
01:00:56Eric, have you gone mad?
01:00:58This is Eric Vanderbilt's only daughter.
01:01:00You slap her for this whore?
01:01:02Mom!
01:01:03They really think they're something, huh?
01:01:05Angela's an heiress to a family whose wealth and status goes back to the Victorian age.
01:01:10She's richer even than Ellen Musk.
01:01:12I only got the Maple Closet Project because she gave it to me.
01:01:16What?
01:01:18You apologize right now or I will kick you and your father to the curb.
01:01:28I'm sorry.
01:01:30No.
01:01:32This can't be.
01:01:33I made you divorce...
01:01:38Go home.
01:01:40You're not suited to come with me to my celebration banquet.
01:01:48I apologize on behalf of my mother.
01:01:51Honey, I know you came here to celebrate my achievements.
01:01:55I promise no one will bother you anymore.
01:01:58I didn't come here for you.
01:02:00I'm on a date.
01:02:02A date with two men at the same time?
01:02:06She really is a whore.
01:02:07Angela, please forgive me.
01:02:09I really do love you.
01:02:13Oh-ho! Lady Lockhart is here!
01:02:17Oh-ho! Lady Lockhart is here!
01:02:22We already know you beat Ford to effort.
01:02:25We're too old for that.
01:02:27They're here for my celebration banquet.
01:02:29Please, you gave me the contract, so if anyone should go as my guest of honor, it should be you.
01:02:35Oh, yes, please, Miss Lockhart, join us.
01:02:37We'll all be one happy business family again.
01:02:41What the hell are you all doing here?
01:02:43Where were you?
01:02:45Stomach issues.
01:02:46Again?
01:02:48Would you like my diagnosis?
01:02:49No.
01:02:52Let me make myself clear, okay?
01:02:56I would rather die than be with you again.
01:02:59Seems that they're not actually on good terms.
01:03:03I can't lose face in front of these pricks.
01:03:05Otherwise, they'll cut me off, too.
01:03:07Angela, I know you're still mad, but please give me a chance. I'll prove it to you.
01:03:12You want a chance?
01:03:13Angela, no.
01:03:14You have three great guys here who all want to marry you.
01:03:17Don't take him back.
01:03:20I'll give you two choices.
01:03:23I'll give you two choices.
01:03:27Me or the contract.
01:03:30You're kidding me.
01:03:31No, I'm not kidding you.
01:03:35If you choose me, we can remarry this week.
01:03:38But you don't get the hundred billion dollar contract.
01:03:42The choice is all yours.
01:03:44That's a tough choice.
01:03:46You think so?
01:03:47He either marries a royal heiress or gets a contract that takes his company to the moon.
01:03:51Either way, he benefits.
01:03:54Why can't I have both?
01:03:55You really are a greedy bastard.
01:03:58Angela, I saved you in the pool, remember? I deserve the contract.
01:04:02Did you really?
01:04:06Look who's fashionably late now.
01:04:10He didn't save her at the pool.
01:04:12Wait, what are you talking about?
01:04:15I choose the contract.
01:04:18I knew it. You'll get what's coming to you.
01:04:21With this contract, my company's earning potential is limitless.
01:04:26Angela Lockhart, you humiliated me in front of everyone.
01:04:30I will get you one day.
01:04:32Let me show you something.
01:04:35What?
01:04:46You saved me.
01:04:52You saved me.
01:04:54I'm sorry.
01:04:56If his lies led to you wasting three years of your life.
01:05:00But I promise you.
01:05:03I'll get up to you with the rest of our lives.
01:05:05No, no, I wasn't lying.
01:05:07I just couldn't remember exactly what happened that day.
01:05:18Does that mean we both each saved her once?
01:05:21What? Me?
01:05:24Dr. Wilson losing at saving people?
01:05:26No way.
01:05:28You guys, one of you, do something life-threatening right now.
01:05:32You're crazy.
01:05:34And actually, they've all been doing horrible shit behind your back.
01:05:39What?
01:05:41Mr. Sterling had me investigate their company's dealings.
01:05:44Turns out they've been fudging the numbers on your shared accounts and contracts.
01:05:48Put it simply.
01:05:50They've been stealing from you.
01:05:52I can't believe I didn't realize.
01:05:54Ms. Lockhart, I'm so sorry.
01:05:57I should have had third-party accountants check thoroughly.
01:06:00It's not your fault. They're just too slick.
01:06:03You'd like me to punish them for you?
01:06:05Oh God, no. Not that again. Please.
01:06:08Max.
01:06:10You know what to do.
01:06:24The banks have pulled all of our funds.
01:06:26All business ties have been severed.
01:06:28We're bankrupt.
01:06:34How did you do that?
01:06:36Who are you? And don't say Spider-Man.
01:06:41I'll tell you who I am.
01:06:44I'll tell you who I am.
01:06:48I am...
01:06:50Crypto Punk Number Two.
01:06:52What did he say he was?
01:06:54That's more bizarre than Spider-Man.
01:06:57You're Crypto Punk Number Two?
01:06:59Well, I'm Crypto Punk Number One.
01:07:02See? You are number one at something.
01:07:04The most expensive NFT collection in the world.
01:07:07Forget Forbes' list.
01:07:09It's all about young money now.
01:07:11So, how about our date?
01:07:19I'm not letting him one-up me on this one.
01:07:22I'll spy too.
01:07:27They forgot to cancel my contract.
01:07:30I still have the 100 billion dollar project.
01:07:34Yes! I'm rich!
01:07:37They'll make them all pay soon.
01:07:45What?
01:07:46Mr. Cooper, sir. The main reason I'm calling you is because
01:07:49I need to talk to you about something.
01:07:51What is it?
01:07:53What?
01:07:54Mr. Cooper, sir.
01:07:55The Maple Plaza contract requires us to provide 50% of the costs up front.
01:08:00Otherwise, it's a breach of contract and we'll have to pay for all financial repercussions.
01:08:04No!
01:08:06I'm bankrupt!
01:08:09I need a little off-card.
01:08:10You tricked me!
01:08:17Allow me.
01:08:20I'm sorry I was late, my queen.
01:08:23I had to get some very important materials for our special date.
01:08:29Well, cheers.
01:08:31Cheers.
01:08:40This looks good.
01:08:43Did you use my spices?
01:08:46I know your ex-in-laws never appreciated you.
01:08:51You can have all the money and power in the world,
01:08:53and you still can't force a man to love you.
01:08:58I couldn't even remember our anniversary.
01:09:04Angela,
01:09:06your future with me,
01:09:09your future with me,
01:09:13it's gonna be different.
01:09:15Come on.
01:09:17Upstairs.
01:09:36Wow.
01:09:38Devin, I can't believe this is what I've been missing out on these past few years
01:09:43just because of some silly mistake.
01:09:46Angela,
01:09:48I've known and loved you for three whole years.
01:09:51Ashley,
01:09:53I've also loved you for three years.
01:09:55That's right.
01:09:57I fell in love with you three years ago, too.
01:09:59How is all of this possible?
01:10:02I didn't meet any of you until recently.
01:10:05Well, actually, maybe Devin, but...
01:10:09I've had a crush on you since college.
01:10:12You were my motivation to go to business school.
01:10:16Despite who you were,
01:10:18you never judged me for being poor.
01:10:22Are you trying to get hired at Fortune 500 in a suit like that?
01:10:29All you do is babble on and on about Internet money, Bitcoin, and shit like that.
01:10:37Are you trying to steal my spot?
01:10:41I'll teach you a lesson.
01:10:44Hey! Get away from him!
01:10:46Angela!
01:10:49Feisty girl. I like her.
01:10:59How is he?
01:11:01It's a rare poison made from a mixture of dried roots found in Africa.
01:11:05Ashtagar saltifum.
01:11:07Can he be cured?
01:11:09I actually think I know that poison.
01:11:11It sounds really scary, but its cure can actually be found in any developed country.
01:11:14Household salt.
01:11:23I like her.
01:11:25I like her.
01:11:28There you go.
01:11:30What time is it now?
01:11:33Oh, shoot. I'm late for swim practice.
01:11:42I like her.
01:11:44We have been rivals ever since.
01:11:47So, that's how I... well, we all met.
01:11:52I barely remember.
01:11:54I should have never let you go to swim practice that day.
01:11:57Matthew Richards, the guy who poisoned me, attacked you out of revenge.
01:12:01You wouldn't have known.
01:12:03I did hear you dropped out and became a loan shark, though.
01:12:05That makes you feel any better.
01:12:07Yeah, I think that suits him a little better.
01:12:09Yeah.
01:12:10Angela, your seven days is almost up.
01:12:12Now that you know they all loved and fought for you for three years, who will you pick?
01:12:18Angela Lockhart
01:12:23How can that be?
01:12:25Angela Lockhart is an heiress?
01:12:32Kaylee, we've gone bankrupt.
01:12:35Bankrupt?
01:12:37The Vanderbilt's have gone bankrupt?
01:12:40Well then, get out of here.
01:12:43You can't do this to me.
01:12:46Oh!
01:12:48Jared!
01:12:49Mom, it's me.
01:12:50What happened?
01:12:52Jared, I have carefully reconsidered.
01:12:55Angela is way better than this dimwit.
01:12:57You should get back with your wife.
01:12:59We're bankrupt.
01:13:00What?
01:13:05Jared Cooper.
01:13:08We are here to repost your belongings.
01:13:12No one is going to save you now.
01:13:14Mom!
01:13:19What kind of an asshole throws his own mother to the dogs?
01:13:25Who will you pick?
01:13:29I...
01:13:35I brought you fried chicken.
01:13:36Fried chicken?
01:13:37Hey, not all girls like sushi and caviar.
01:13:40Yeah, he's right. I did live in Atlanta for three months.
01:13:43I'm sucking it up last minute.
01:13:45At least I don't speak like an AI robot.
01:13:47Hey, stop. Stop.
01:13:50Welcome back to the bachelorette.
01:13:53I mean, the three badasses who want me.
01:13:56I mean, Angela Lockhart...
01:13:59You know what I mean.
01:14:01Today, our heiress bachelorette will choose
01:14:04which one of our three badasses will she marry.
01:14:08Will it be Shane, the doctor?
01:14:12Cole, the general?
01:14:16Or Devin, the CEO?
01:14:22Looks like our bachelorette may need a little more time to decide.
01:14:26Oh, the suspense is killing me.
01:14:29But when she does, she will take this eternal rose
01:14:33made from glass imported from Venice
01:14:35and give it to our winner.
01:14:37Angela.
01:14:40Angela.
01:14:42Oh, I...
01:14:45I need more time to think.
01:14:51While our bachelorette takes a little time to decide,
01:14:55why don't we check in with each of our candidates?
01:14:57Let's check in with each of our candidates.
01:15:00Let's start with Cole.
01:15:02Cole.
01:15:05There's not much to say.
01:15:07Who wouldn't want a five-star general
01:15:09who has huge biceps,
01:15:12a massive chest,
01:15:14who would protect their wife?
01:15:18Okay, thank you.
01:15:21Shane?
01:15:23Muscles, money,
01:15:26they'll only get you so far.
01:15:28But you need a well-balanced man like me
01:15:30that has more than one way to keep a lady happy.
01:15:33If you know what I mean.
01:15:37Okay, I think we do.
01:15:39And Devin.
01:15:41That was quite disgusting.
01:15:46I just hope Angela's okay.
01:15:48I know she's going under a lot of stress right now,
01:15:51a lot of choices to make.
01:15:53And she's my queen.
01:15:55I just really hope she's okay.
01:15:57Now, one more thing.
01:15:59What kind of a doctor
01:16:01what kind of a doctor
01:16:03brings fried chicken to a girl?
01:16:05That's a good point.
01:16:07It's bad for her heart.
01:16:09And then you,
01:16:11you know what they say about military men.
01:16:14They beat their wives.
01:16:20Enough.
01:16:22Stand up.
01:16:25Hey, you guys.
01:16:27Whoa, break it up.
01:16:29Hey, break it up.
01:16:35Cut to commercial.
01:16:37Cut to commercial.
01:16:39Oh, f***.
01:16:57This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make
01:16:59in my entire life.
01:17:02Who do I choose?
01:17:10Angela's marrying me.
01:17:12You're not stealing her from me.
01:17:13Oh, yeah?
01:17:15I may be a doctor, but like I said,
01:17:17I know and possess the deadliest poisons in the world.
01:17:23What don't you have in that coat?
01:17:25Fruit flavored gum.
01:17:27I won't let you take Angela away from me.
01:17:29I'll fight you to the death.
01:17:31Don't forget about me.
01:17:33It's time I reveal my true identity.
01:17:37These stupid profile cards don't make any sense.
01:17:41They do not, they do not help.
01:17:43Who made these?
01:17:45It's time I reveal my true identity.
01:18:03It's time I reveal my true identity.
01:18:08I'm actually a part of the X-Men.
01:18:11And I have the power of telekinesis.
01:18:16Oh!
01:18:29We may have to work together to take him down.
01:18:32Cut!
01:18:43This battle within our heads is the most intense I've ever experienced.
01:18:47I may not be able to take them both down if they decide to team up.
01:18:50Hmm.
01:18:51Winter Man or Cool Man?
01:18:58You know,
01:18:59I've always really liked your hair.
01:19:01Really?
01:19:03I'm actually pretty self-conscious about it.
01:19:06So I appreciate that.
01:19:09Hey, hey, hey.
01:19:10And you know,
01:19:11I've always really liked the way you talk.
01:19:15Really?
01:19:16Yeah.
01:19:19What do you got for me?
01:19:21I always really like the way you chew gum.
01:19:24Yeah?
01:19:25Yeah.
01:19:26It's fresh, right?
01:19:28Yo, yo.
01:19:29Yeah, yeah.
01:19:30You know, you're actually a really good doctor.
01:19:33You need me to look at you?
01:19:35I got you.
01:19:36Hey, me?
01:19:37Yeah, of course.
01:19:38Angela's been kidnapped.
01:19:40Angela's been kidnapped.
01:19:42It was Sharon Cooper.
01:19:44That fucker!
01:19:45We have to find her.
01:19:46What, how?
01:19:47Her ring.
01:19:48Her dad installed a GPS tracking mechanism on her ring just in case.
01:19:52Well, let's go then.
01:19:53But, oh!
01:19:54My fiance!
01:19:55My fiance!
01:19:57Fuck!
01:20:02Jared.
01:20:06What am I doing here?
01:20:08You destroyed me.
01:20:12They took everything.
01:20:15What?
01:20:16I have nothing left.
01:20:18It's not my fault you were too greedy.
01:20:21I was greedy to have sex with my wife.
01:20:24What?
01:20:25I'm not your wife anymore.
01:20:27Oh, yeah, I know.
01:20:28You wouldn't take me back now.
01:20:29Not unless I get you pregnant with my child.
01:20:31This is illegal.
01:20:32You wouldn't want your child to be away from its father.
01:20:35You won't have me arrested.
01:20:37You will take me back.
01:20:41Come on, bitch.
01:20:44I'll settle you down a little.
01:20:47Please.
01:20:48Please.
01:20:49Please.
01:20:54You will be begging me to fuck you soon.
01:20:58Hey!
01:21:00Anselmo!
01:21:01Come back!
01:21:05You're too late!
01:21:06I drugged her.
01:21:07She'll be dead soon unless...
01:21:09Not yet.
01:21:10Have you forgotten who I am?
01:21:12He really does have everything in his coat.
01:21:14Everything except for fruit.
01:21:15Yeah, except for fruit-flavored gum.
01:21:16We get it already.
01:21:17Just save my boss!
01:21:21Here you go.
01:21:27You're all good now.
01:21:28Oh, thank God.
01:21:30But what do we do with that piece of shit?
01:21:32What?
01:21:33What are you going to do to me?
01:21:35Hey, stop!
01:21:36No, don't!
01:21:39Enjoy your erectile dysfunction forever.
01:21:42No!
01:21:45Glad we didn't actually have that fight.
01:21:47Turns out he's the most dangerous of them all.
01:21:55So who did you pick, sweetheart?
01:21:57We've invited the most important figures of the world to your wedding.
01:22:00The Prince of Bhutan.
01:22:02And remember, we will kill ourselves if you don't choose.
01:22:12Welcome back to the finale of
01:22:14The Three Badasses Who Want Me.
01:22:16We're down to the wire.
01:22:18Literally.
01:22:19The wedding day.
01:22:20But who's the groom?
01:22:34Welcome back to the finale of
01:22:36The Three Badasses Who Want Me.
01:22:38But who's the groom?
01:22:42Ah, seems our heiress still hasn't decided.
01:22:47Any input from the parents?
01:22:49Maybe that will help sway our bachelorette's choice.
01:22:53This is exciting.
01:22:54Who should my daughter pick?
01:22:57Let me think.
01:23:01I like the doctor.
01:23:03He's cute.
01:23:06But the general looks like a strong fellow.
01:23:10And we can't forget about Devin Sterling,
01:23:12the one who's loved her the longest.
01:23:14Isn't that right, Devin?
01:23:16Angela.
01:23:23You are all three very fine gentlemen.
01:23:28And I'm really grateful for all of your love.
01:23:32But this was a really hard decision.
01:23:36And I decided to devise one last challenge.
01:23:41And I decided to devise one last challenge.
01:23:49I'm just kidding.
01:23:50I'm just as sick of this as you guys are.
01:23:56Each of our candidates have saved our main character.
01:24:00I mean, bachelorette, once.
01:24:02They've all proven their undying love.
01:24:05So who gets to unlock Angela Lockhart's heart?
01:24:08Literally.
01:24:11Could it be the sexy and protective,
01:24:14general with a temper, Mr. Cole Eisenhower?
01:24:22Or the fun, wicked-minded, but kind of weird,
01:24:27Dr. Shane Wilson?
01:24:32And last but not least,
01:24:34could it be the richest man of them all,
01:24:37the man Angela would have married a long time ago,
01:24:39Mr. Devin Sterling?
01:24:44Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure getting to know you.
01:24:48It has.
01:24:49May the best man win.
01:24:51May the best man win.
01:24:54Drum roll, please.
01:25:04I got you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
01:25:10Seriously, Ricky?
01:25:18I choose...
01:25:29I need a powerful, strong man,
01:25:31and I really feel like he can protect me.
01:25:35Who could resist those guns?
01:25:39Could I interest you in an NFD, Ellen?
01:25:41Yeah, I'd be like a full-bodied choco.
01:25:56Shane, it's you.
01:25:58I'm lovesick for you.
01:26:00You like that minty flavor, don't you?
01:26:02Yeah.
01:26:05It's that tongue action, ladies and gents.
01:26:08Ellen, be my new queen.
01:26:10I hope we can build together.
01:26:11Like guns, baby.
01:26:24It's always been you.
01:26:33I'll always love you.
01:26:37Let's give it up for those nine inches, everybody.
01:26:40Ellen, Ellen, would you like a full-bodied choco?
01:26:43Have you seen my murder weapons?
01:26:45I need fruit-flavored gum for you.