Human beings are naturally driven to flirt with those to whom we're attracted, whether we realize it or not. Trying to get a stranger to notice your interest in them can be a difficult thing to accomplish, though. But there are scientifically proven ways to get someone to take notice.
Category
✨
PeopleTranscript
00:00Human beings are naturally driven to flirt with those to whom we're attracted, whether
00:04we realize it or not.
00:05Trying to get a stranger to notice your interest in them can be a difficult thing to accomplish,
00:09though.
00:10But there are scientifically proven ways to get someone to take notice.
00:13Monica Moore
00:14Psychologist Monica Moore has spent a lot of time studying the way women flirt, and
00:18it's more covert than you might imagine.
00:21Women in public settings send nonverbal cues to those that they're interested in.
00:25Sometimes they're so subtle, the other person might assume they're the one making the first
00:29When in reality, they've just been summoned.
00:31In flirting situations, the key is making them check you out without letting them know
00:35that you know that they're checking you out.
00:37The more cues that are thrown out, the better the chances of scoring a mutual flirtation.
00:42Moore notes there are 52 behaviors that women use to get noticed, including glancing, primping,
00:46and licking their lips.
00:47Often, the more shy and subtle behaviors women engage in are coupled with more overt shows
00:52of interest, like flirting with several people at once until one of them shows the same level
00:56of interest.
00:57Once the right nonverbal cues have been sent out, and it's time to actually introduce yourself,
01:02you're going to have to take into consideration which direction you're physically coming from.
01:06A 1975 psychological study notes that while men dislike being approached from the front,
01:10women have a problem with being approached from the side.
01:12The preference stems from what psychologist Martin Graff calls, quote,
01:18"...invasion of personal space."
01:20So if you're trying to approach a man, make sure you come from the side.
01:23And if you're interested in a woman, it's better to introduce yourself by approaching
01:27her head-on.
01:28It's also important to present yourself in an approachable way, according to Graff.
01:32A smile and a flash of your eyebrows can greatly improve your chances.
01:35Subtle, nonverbal cues
01:36Subtle, nonverbal cues are one thing, but once you've actually reached the point of
01:39engaging in conversation with another person, subtlety should be thrown out the window.
01:44A 2009 study tested which opening lines were most effective for both men and women, and
01:48found that the more direct an opening line was in indicating interest, the more successful
01:52it tended to be.
01:53Let's get out of here.
01:54Yeah.
01:55Let's get out of here.
01:56Okay.
01:57Let's get out of here.
01:58Absolutely.
01:59Let's get out of here.
02:00Okay.
02:01Let's get out of here.
02:02Okay.
02:03The reason behind it has to do with changing gender roles.
02:04Specifically, changes in societal norms have affected the way women approach dating.
02:09Not only are women more likely now than ever to be the flirtation initiators, but they're
02:13also more likely to reciprocate interest in someone if that someone is up front with them
02:16about it.
02:17There's my number.
02:18So maybe we can go out for coffee sometime.
02:22While being direct about your interest in another person is definitely a good place
02:25to start, figuring out exactly what your opening line should be is a little more complicated.
02:30One psychological study presented groups of men and women with three types of opening
02:34lines — so-called cute flippant, innocuous, and direct.
02:38All three are pretty easy to spot.
02:39Describing lines as cute flippant is a nice way of referring to those awful pickup lines
02:43like,
02:44Well, Hannah, you're really wearing that dress like you're doing it a favor.
02:47Innocuous lines are the more harmless, open-ended types of questions like,
02:50All right, you're obviously military.
02:53What branch?
02:54And the direct approach is exactly that.
02:56Something like,
02:57Amy, can I buy you a drink?
03:00The results of the study indicated that neither men nor women have much interest in cheesy
03:04one-liners.
03:05But where men prefer the direct approach, women tend to actually prefer the innocuous
03:09one, which the researchers attribute to sex-role socialization.
03:13As the study puts it, the tradition of men approaching women also suggests that women
03:16will choose opening lines for meeting men that are innocuous and non-threatening.
03:21We've been led to believe that having a so-called wingman or wingwoman along on a social outing
03:25will increase our chances of landing a date.
03:27But as much as we'd like to believe that having the support of our best friend as we navigate
03:31the murky waters of flirtation is the best course of action, sometimes it just isn't.
03:36During a university lecture, author Jeffrey Hall said that bringing in a wingman or woman
03:40doesn't make flirting any easier to identify.
03:42The reason?
03:43People are terrible at knowing when they're being flirted with.
03:46Hall conducted two separate studies on flirting, which found that while, most of the time,
03:49people can tell if someone isn't flirting with them, it's incredibly rare to recognize
03:53when they are.
03:54Are you attracted to me?
03:56What?
03:57Are you attracted to me?
03:58You give me indications that you are."
04:01Having a great smile can do wonders for your chances of scoring a date.
04:04A 2013 study found that the perception of someone's overall attractiveness was heavily
04:09influenced by their smile, and could even go so far as to make up for being relatively
04:13unattractive.
04:14But it isn't enough to just look happy.
04:17There are actually two kinds of smiles, the fake, forced type, and the genuine one, also
04:21known as the Duchenne smile.
04:23Named after a 19th-century French physician who studied facial expressions, the Duchenne
04:27smile involves using both voluntary and involuntary muscle contraction.
04:31It's the smile that creates crow's feet around your eyes.
04:34In one study, researchers from UC Berkeley analyzed the smiles of 141 college yearbook
04:38photos and found that those who displayed genuine smiles were actually happier in life
04:42and marriage up to 30 years later.
04:45So presenting genuine happiness can actually lead to relationship fulfillment.
04:49Eye contact can tell you a lot about how interested someone might be in you.
04:53While maintained eye contact might generally mean that your flirting tactics are a success,
04:57according to a psychological study from 1997, there's more to it than that.
05:00The study, which videotaped 10-minute-long interactions between men and women, found
05:04that a woman's behavior within the first minute, both positive and negative, had little to
05:08do with her actual interest in a man.
05:11It was only after the fourth minute that her behavior reflected her real interest.
05:15In another study, strangers were told to hold unbroken, direct eye contact with one another
05:19for two minutes.
05:20The result was that the participants reported feelings of, quote, passionate love for each
05:24other at the end of it.
05:25So you can actually make someone fall in love with you via eye contact.
05:28Just try not to be creepy about it.
05:31If you can make someone fall in love with you after two minutes of unbroken eye contact,
05:35then the idea that you could persuade someone to agree to a date just by touching them doesn't
05:38seem that far-fetched.
05:40In 2004, Dr. Nikola Guggen conducted three separate experiments related to touch in a
05:45courtship context.
05:46A young man asked female strangers to either dance or to give him their phone number.
05:50He wound up being more successful when he made brief physical contact with the woman
05:53during his request.
05:54Of course, it's important to keep in mind cultural norms.
05:58Guggen indicates in his findings that in more non-contact cultures, touching a woman in
06:02a courtship situation probably wouldn't work out so well.
06:05Ew!
06:06Get off of me!
06:07Ugh!
06:08As if!
06:11According to psychology professor Pamela Regan, men tend to be more successful at flirting
06:15when they engage in what are known as, quote, space maximization movements.
06:19Things like stretching, moving around a single location, or resting their arm on the chair
06:23next to them tend to be more noticed by surrounding women.
06:26Psychologist Rochelle M. Smith reiterates the idea, although she notes that space maximization
06:31movements are also related to the need to dominate other males.
06:34She says,
06:35"...interestingly, these same behaviors are used when trying to intimidate and express
06:38dominance over other males, as well as to demonstrate interest and availability to a
06:42woman, likely complementary goals."
06:45Perhaps the behaviors that women find attractive in men are tied to long-standing gender roles.
06:49The one who can show the greatest strength among a sea of available men is the one who'll
06:53have the most success, at least when it comes to the first meeting.
06:56Eye contact
06:57We've already established how nonverbal cues work to show interest in another person, but
07:01it doesn't end at eye contact and hand gestures.
07:03What you're wearing can have a significant effect on how attractive others perceive you
07:07to be.
07:08According to psychologists, the color red is often associated with status, power, and
07:11virility.
07:12Hey.
07:13Hey.
07:14Wow, you look great.
07:17And according to one psychological study, the color red works for both men and women.
07:22Both were shown photos of men and women in front of either a red or white background.
07:26Those on the red background were deemed to be more physically attractive than those on
07:29the white one.
07:30So if you're hoping to send out sexual vibes, red is definitely the color to wear.
07:34Going out for drinks at a bar and buying one for someone you're interested in is rarely
07:38ever a bad idea, but you might actually have better luck getting a phone number or a second
07:42date if you head to a place like a coffee shop.
07:44The reason is that the temperature of a drink that someone is holding can directly affect
07:48how they perceive the people around them.
07:50Sounds crazy, but it's true.
07:52In 2008, a study was conducted in which a group of college students were asked to hold
07:56on to either a hot cup of coffee or a cold cup of coffee prior to rating another person's
08:00personality.
08:02The study found that those who had held the hot coffee believed the other person to be
08:05more generous and caring than those who had held the cold coffee.
08:08What it comes down to is this.
08:10If you buy someone something warm, you'll seem pretty warm yourself.
08:13"...Angel, you've got wings, baby."
08:17If you're looking to make a genuine, lasting connection with another person, small talk
08:20is the wrong way to go.
08:22According to a 1997 study, people who engage in a more intimate line of questioning with
08:26one another tend to feel closer.
08:28"...Alice, tell me something true."
08:32Two groups of people were separated into pairs and then talked to each other for 45 minutes.
08:36While half of the couple spent the time engaging in small talk, the other half were given a
08:40list of increasingly personal questions.
08:42By the end, those who had asked the deeper questions felt more connected to their partner
08:45than those who hadn't.
08:47What's more interesting about this study, though, is that six months after it ended,
08:50two of its participants had actually fallen in love.
08:53Jeffrey Hall has done a lot of research on flirting.
08:56He and a fellow researcher conducted a study examining both verbal and nonverbal flirting
09:00styles, which involved 51 pairs of opposite-sex heterosexual strangers.
09:05The strangers were asked to interact with each other for 10 to 12 minutes, and by the
09:09end of the study, the couples had engaged in a total of 36 different flirting behaviors.
09:13Checking out how another person's body is positioned toward yours is an easy way to
09:17figure out if they're interested.
09:19According to Hall's study, examples of flirtatious body language also include playing with one's
09:23hair, any sort of self-touching, like putting a hand on your face or over your mouth, and
09:27crossing or uncrossing legs.
09:29"...and anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good."
09:33Other obvious ones to look out for?
09:35Moving closer to one another, or exposing one's chest.
09:39Everyone appreciates a good sense of humor, but as it turns out, a woman's laughter has
09:43deeper significance than just the telling of a good joke.
09:45In one 1990 study, it was discovered that when in mixed company, women tend to laugh
09:50more frequently than men do.
09:51The reason has to do with ingrained social dominance.
09:54According to the study, male sexual behavior is rooted in dominance, whereas female sexual
09:58behavior is often submissive.
10:00The study states,
10:01"...thus females, when they are together with males, should show the higher degree of ritualization
10:05and laughter than males, because showing submissiveness is equal to solicitation when the male has
10:09a tendency to dominate the female."
10:12The study also took into account same-sex couples, where laughter is more pronounced
10:15in male-to-male pairings because of the same sort of dominance.
10:19It concluded that women use laughter, particularly with men, to show their interest via social
10:23submission.
10:24So a good sense of humor really is that important, at least if you want to flirt successfully.