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00:00老张开车去东北 撞了 肇事司机耍流氓 跑了
00:18多亏一个东北人 送到医院缝补针
00:28老张请他吃顿饭 喝的少了他不干 他说
00:38阿玛塞嘎都是东北人 阿玛塞嘎客栈高丽生
00:45阿玛塞嘎猪油炖粉条 阿玛塞嘎都是花来花
00:52阿玛塞嘎没有卖东西 撞了车他能不小心
00:59阿玛塞嘎山上有神客 这个人他不是东北人
01:06葵花香酸菜
01:08掌声
01:39那我不看报纸我看啥呀 我看你呀
01:43有啥看头 咱俩都互相看了二十来年了
01:46你脸上有多少道皱纹 鼻子眼朝哪个方向
01:49我都一清二楚 没啥新鲜的了 看啥呀
01:52再看你能变貂蝉呢 耍啥勤仔呀
01:55我是想跟你说说啊 咱家君君还有一个星期就要考试了
02:00咱俩是不是得合计合计 君君的事啊
02:04君君又咋的了 考试没考好啊
02:06我跟你说季虎 孩子一两次考试没考好不能说明他的全部
02:12常在河边走哪能不失习 你比方说
02:16比方说你 你一做饭那也有糊的时候
02:21你炒菜也有不高油的时候 你洗澡也有不脱衣服的时候
02:25上厕所也背不住也不带手指的时候
02:28你哪那么多废话呀 谁跟你说君君成绩不好了
02:33我今天给他们老师打电话了
02:34他们老师说呀 君君这回的摸底测试啊考得很好
02:39而且不是小好 是大好 好得不得了
02:43那既然好得不得了你还跟我说他干啥呢
02:46就是因为他考得好 我还希望他继续努力
02:51多考点分 争取进重点中学
02:54你说咱俩是不是应该提醒提醒他呀
02:58那要这么说不是提醒的问题啊
03:01那应该是督促啊
03:03哎呀还有一星期就考试了
03:07就是嘛
03:08人生能有几回薄 此时不薄更待何时
03:13今朝有酒今朝醉 不管他明天喝不喝呀
03:16啥玩意儿呢这老子
03:18不过还好啊 咱们俩看来在君君的问题上是英雄所见
03:23绿学差不多
03:25现在我们俩的思想是统一了
03:28对
03:29剩下的呢就是步调一致了
03:31哎哟咱俩啥时候不一致过呀
03:34那咱家的情况你最了解了
03:37垂帘听政此己当权
03:39你一拍板我才能定案
03:41随说不说不赌
03:42可大事你都说了算
03:43你说咋办咱咋办嘛
03:45既然如此
03:46我决定
03:48对君君事行全天候的看管
03:52认真监督
03:54软禁的七天
03:55每天对他进行口头测试
03:57哎呀
03:59听这意思你这不是测试
04:01你这是过堂呢
04:03君君是咱儿子
04:05不是红颜红里边的小萝卜头
04:08是我说了算还是你说了算呢
04:11就这么定了啊
04:13剩下的问题是如何管理君君
04:15咱俩分分工
04:16那还用分吗
04:18按照你的一贯打法呗
04:20我那甜言蜜语
04:22你那是威逼利诱
04:23我来软的
04:24你来硬的
04:25我唱白脸
04:26你唱黑脸
04:27这回啊
04:28我去白脸
04:29你去黑脸
04:31也就是说
04:32打孩子骂孩子
04:33得罪孩子
04:34有你来
04:36哄孩子逗孩子
04:37有我来
04:39我要在七天里
04:41给儿子送去
04:43七年的母爱
04:45哎呀你这不是开玩笑吗你说
04:48我啥时候会黑脸啊
04:51我根本我就黑不起来啊
04:53你不是不知道
04:54在咱家
04:55你老大君君老二我老三
04:57最没地位了
04:59你一打君君
05:00我都跟着哆嗦
05:02我根本就下不了你那么毒的手
05:05我根本就不具备
05:06你那母老虎的气质嘛
05:09你敢说我是母老虎
05:10不不不不是
05:11你听我解释啊
05:13我的意思是说吧
05:15我孙铭本性善良
05:18不会凶残
05:20从来就没挤过狮子
05:21没踩过蟑螂
05:22就连蚊子叮我
05:24我都不舍得打
05:26我顶多是轻轻地把他们捉住
05:29放在你的蚊帐里
05:31哎呀妈呀
05:32我是下不了手
05:33我让你打嘛
05:35原来都是你倒的鬼啊
05:37你还骗我说
05:38我招蚊子好
05:39我血甜
05:40我有人味
05:41你看我一身包
05:42我跟你没完
05:43现在不是讨论君君考试的问题吗
05:46你就别说我了
05:48以后跟你算账啊
05:50啥也别说了啊
05:51啥也别说了啊
05:54从明天开始
05:55你就是那黑脸
05:57等君君一进来
05:58你就跟她黑啊
06:00如果你要跟她不黑
06:02我就把你黑了
06:13哎呦老婆真好哎
06:14我老婆真好
06:15怎么样整饭呢
06:18我看这回姬红跟小刘说的对象
06:21挺好
06:22好是好
06:24就怕人家看不上咱家小刘不是
06:26咋的
06:27人可是高干子弟啊
06:30高干
06:31夹皮勾香的乡长
06:33高干
06:34我跟你说吧
06:35比我这大型国有企业的车间主任
06:37顶大死了高半级
06:40算啥呀
06:41你是退了休的主任
06:42人家俩
06:44人家是当今的乡长
06:46差点行似的
06:49要我说呀
06:50我也就那么一个宝贝儿子啊
06:53能看上咱们家小玲啊
06:54就不容易了
06:56咱家小玲和她家那小子
06:59说不上是下架
07:00但也绝不是高攀子
07:02你就跟她家那小子那熊样
07:06戴双眼镜
07:07那显得多有学问呗
07:11驼背
07:12驼背那叫成熟
07:13走道
07:14拔只脚
07:15没怀
07:16哎就这点好
07:17你到后边去看吧
07:18搞文艺
07:19我跟你说
07:20那跳芭蕾舞的不都这样
07:24你咋还听帮着人家说话呢
07:26吃啥好处了
07:27这个老头
07:28你看我
07:29哎
07:30你看我这样
07:31像个贪污社会的人吗
07:34我就图为咱们闺女
07:36能找个好对象嘛
07:39你看
07:48哎呀
07:49季红啊
07:50我练了半天
07:51我黑不起来呀
07:52咱俩还是换换吧
07:54你继续黑
07:55我继续白呗
07:57再说了
07:58我本身自然状况
07:59它长得就白
08:00那解放司里谁不知道啊
08:02我是有名的
08:04雄性白骨精吗
08:05你看我老唱的黑的
08:08我跟你说
08:09我就是因为总唱黑脸唱的
08:11我都感觉到生理上起了变化
08:14以前我是不挺白的
08:16后来由白变为黄
08:18那是
08:19又由黄变为黑
08:21现在我觉得我都快变成
08:23雌性黑老包了
08:25哎呀
08:26那既然你已经都这样了
08:28那你就继续黑呗
08:30不行
08:31一会儿啊
08:32军军一进门你就得跟他黑啊
08:34咱俩呢为了更好的配合
08:36互相提醒着
08:38那他一进来我就得黑啊
08:39就得黑
08:40好
08:41我就得黑
08:42妈
08:43爸
08:44我回来了
08:46哎呀
08:47爸的儿子回来了
08:52老爸
08:53住口
08:54从今天开始
08:55我不是你老爸
08:56我是黑脸
08:59妈呀
09:00我爸咋的了
09:01你爸他不就那样吗
09:04哎呀儿子
09:06妈的心肝宝贝
09:09妈的小肚肝
09:11妈呀
09:12掉羊圈里了
09:13太肉麻了
09:14说啥呢
09:15什么肉麻
09:16再胡说八道
09:17我跟你说我会揍你啊
09:19今天我黑脸了我
09:20行行行
09:21别吓我孩子
09:22赶紧
09:25你爸爸望子从容心切
09:28怕你这几天呢
09:29复习不好
09:30考不上重点中学
09:32所以替你着急
09:34所以有点神经了
09:38可怜天下父母心
09:42我以为多大个事
09:44老爸你放心吧
09:46我一定好好复习
09:48这才是爸的好儿子呢
09:50黑脸啊
09:51不对
09:52你根本不是爸的好儿子
09:54我告诉你
09:56你要是不好好复习
09:58看见了吧
09:59咱家就是集中营
10:01你不就是张诺
10:02我就好比徐峰飞
10:04你就好比徐云峰
10:05今儿我给你灌个辣椒水
10:06外带做做老虎灯
10:10妈真有点神经
10:11白奶
10:13俊俊啊
10:14请理解一颗慈父的心吧
10:17你一定要
10:18头悬梁
10:20追刺骨
10:21磕磕都考一百五
10:23啥
10:24那还不得把我勒成血了呀
10:26少装了
10:27老大头上背
10:29我们家的希望
10:30祖国的明天
10:32全靠你了
10:36妈的心肝宝贝
10:38妈呀妈呀
10:39你能不能不这么说话呀
10:41儿子
10:42你平时总嫌妈的态度不好
10:44今天妈要用温柔
10:46跟你交流
10:47可是你这温柔里边
10:49好像隐藏着啥阴谋啊
10:51冷不丁的
10:52听你这么一说话
10:53心里边只堕色
10:55甚至白起鸡皮疙瘩
10:56起啥鸡皮疙瘩呢
10:59你让我联想起
11:00电影里的女特务
11:02他们表面上
11:03甜言蜜语
11:04含情脉
11:05嘻嘻
11:06凤抢
11:07通刀子
11:08磕阴险
11:09好你小子
11:10你这敬酒不识吃罚酒
11:12妈呀
11:13你还是这么说话好
11:14我听着舒服
11:15对呀
11:16我听着也舒服啊
11:18听说你那白脸根本就不行
11:20咱俩还是调过来吧
11:21你继续说
11:22继续吧
11:23再说了
11:24听完你那白脸的口气吧
11:27不但让我产生了一种
11:29恶心反胃的感觉
11:30而且还有一种联想
11:32啥联想啊
11:33顺便问一问
11:34啥时候能娶上这么一位
11:36温柔多情的女人呢
11:39怎么可能啊
11:40顺平
11:41你是不是肉皮子又发紧了
11:43不是
11:44我这是团结紧张
11:45严肃活泼
11:46我们家现在不需要团结活泼
11:49而是需要严肃紧张
11:51从今天起
11:53顺军
11:54到每天在家复习功课
11:56没有我的批准
11:57不准离家半步
11:59孙明
12:00到
12:01从今天起
12:02每天在家洗衣做饭
12:04买米买面
12:05搞好后勤工作
12:06不得有误
12:07那你呢
12:09监督执法
12:10收拾你俩
12:16去见了她爸她妈了
12:18见了
12:19咋样
12:20不咋样
12:22她爸咋样
12:23脑袋大脖子粗
12:25脑袋大脸
12:26老视点
12:27左腰
12:28别撒鼻鼻鼻
12:29右腰
12:30画俩小手提
12:31一看这乡长就
12:32山沟急得
12:33她妈啥样啊
12:35挺老大一张黑脸
12:37都十五个人看半个月的
12:39留点光
12:41那姜莫 那把嘴蒸白粉蜜
12:42一说话就
12:42长出褸沟了
12:44绝对新鲜刚刚就看出来
12:46那唤死你
12:47还有呢
12:48左手
12:49戴五个黄金戒指
12:50右手
12:51戴六个白金戒指
12:52了解不
12:54What's so funny?
12:55Her mom's nipples.
12:57What's so funny?
12:58Listen to me.
13:00And the most obvious thing is her mom's necklace.
13:03I'm so jealous.
13:05I want to punch her.
13:06Wait, wait, wait.
13:09You didn't see it clearly?
13:10I did.
13:11Did she hang the dog necklace on her neck?
13:14Don't be ridiculous.
13:16What's their impression of you?
13:18They have a good impression of me.
13:21But her mom said that after marriage,
13:23I have to live with them.
13:25I have to get up early to make breakfast.
13:26I have to make lunch at noon and dinner at night.
13:28I have to mop the floor every day.
13:29I have to wash up at 4 a.m. every day.
13:30I have to wash my clothes at any time.
13:31I have to wipe the glass every day.
13:32I have to clean the house every day.
13:33Stop, stop, stop.
13:36Is her family a wife or a nanny?
13:38How dare she be a landlord?
13:39I think she's a good wife.
13:41What's so great about their family?
13:43I'm just half as good as your dad.
13:45I'm just half as good as your dad.
13:47Who's half as good as your dad?
13:48What are you talking about?
13:49I'm just half as good as your dad.
13:50What's so great about their family?
13:52What's so great about their family?
13:53What's your opinion on your girlfriend?
13:56What did he say?
13:57What's his opinion?
13:58He came to beg me.
14:00He came to beg me.
14:01He came to beg me.
14:02We have reached a consensus.
14:05Let's compromise first.
14:07He will marry you.
14:08Wait for the time to mature.
14:10Announce independence immediately.
14:12You are too old to live with them.
14:15When you get married,
14:17launch a coup d'etat.
14:19It's easy to get rich.
14:21Mom.
14:22What I'm most worried about is
14:24that his mom is going to do a one-week family investigation on me.
14:27She said she would let me marry her son after the wedding.
14:31What are you talking about?
14:32Who are we afraid of?
14:33Of course.
14:34Let me tell you, Ling.
14:35Do you know why I named you Ling?
14:37Why?
14:38Because you are Ling.
14:40Ling what?
14:41Ling what?
14:42My heart is Ling, my mouth is Ling.
14:44My hand is not Ling.
14:47Ling is right.
14:49Xiao Wei, let me tell you.
14:51Enough, enough.
14:52Stop talking.
14:53Stop talking.
14:54Call Ji Hong and Sun Ming right now.
14:57Go home.
14:58We need to talk about this.
15:06Dad.
15:07Dad.
15:08I came back as soon as I got the call.
15:10Only you two came back.
15:11Where is Junjun?
15:12She is doing her homework at home.
15:13It's Sunday.
15:14Why don't you let her rest?
15:16Ji Hong said that
15:18this is the final stage of the exam.
15:21She must take a break.
15:22Learning is a good thing.
15:24But when you say it,
15:25it's like a bunch of kids.
15:27Oh my god.
15:28I have to tell you something about the education of children.
15:31Because of your negligence of Xiao Wei
15:34and let him go,
15:35he became disabled.
15:37Not to mention Sun Ming,
15:39he was in a state of exhaustion too early.
15:41I can't relax.
15:43For Junjun's request,
15:44I don't want the same tragedy to happen again.
15:46You can do it.
15:47You can train Junjun to be a first-class.
15:50After that, you can go abroad.
15:52You have to go abroad to earn a living.
15:54Okay?
15:55Okay.
15:56Don't mention the child's matter.
15:58I think the most important thing
15:59is Xiao Ling's matter.
16:01Isn't it just a homework test?
16:03Xiao Ling will start practicing from tomorrow.
16:06What's the big deal?
16:07I don't want the child to be trapped.
16:09I don't want my sister to be greedy for the village head.
16:12That's right.
16:13I'm telling you, Xiao Ling.
16:14I'll teach you.
16:15Within a week,
16:17I guarantee that you'll get good grades.
16:18Okay.
16:19What good grades?
16:21Mom, I'm not trying to hurt your mood.
16:23The reason why Xiao Ling is like this
16:26is because you and my dad spoiled her.
16:28She has always been
16:29dependent on herself.
16:31You have basically
16:33killed her instinct to do housework.
16:36You have stopped her passion to do housework.
16:39You have made a hard-working, kind,
16:41typical oriental woman
16:43cross paths with her.
16:44What are you talking about?
16:46Your mom and I are just...
16:48We just care about our daughter.
16:50Besides, she dares to do housework now.
16:53What does she dare to do?
16:55Do we have the best environment to do housework?
16:57Do you think when I'm doing housework,
16:59you and my dad can stand by and watch?
17:01Besides,
17:02in this atmosphere without a landlord,
17:04can we make any progress?
17:05I think Xiao Ling is right.
17:07As a scientist,
17:08there must be a lab to do experiments.
17:10If Xiao Ling does housework,
17:12she must have the environment.
17:14She can't do it well in front of our parents.
17:16Because they are too busy.
17:20Okay.
17:21I'll lend it to you.
17:22Okay?
17:23Old man,
17:24stop it.
17:25Maybe we are kind
17:27to help her.
17:30Mom,
17:31your words are really true.
17:34But you don't have to worry.
17:36I have the ability
17:38to create the best environment for Xiao Ling
17:40to do housework.
17:42What kind of environment?
17:43It's simple.
17:44She can be our maid.
17:46Maid?
17:47What are you thinking?
17:49Mom, don't worry.
17:51I mean
17:52it's good for Xiao Ling.
17:54First,
17:55she can get rid of your love for her.
17:57Second,
17:58Ji Hong and I can help her.
18:00Third,
18:01if she can't do it well,
18:03I will strictly ask me to punish her.
18:05I don't dare to say
18:06I can catch up with Liu Wen Cai.
18:08But at least
18:09I can make a balance with Zhou Ba Ping.
18:11Stop it.
18:12You are taking revenge on me.
18:13If you have a problem with me,
18:14come to me.
18:15No, no.
18:16Dad,
18:17I mean
18:18Yan Shi Chu is a master.
18:20I dare to take revenge on him.
18:21Xiao Ling is more powerful than Ji Hong.
18:24Xiao Ling is going to marry
18:26the son of the village head.
18:28I'm just kidding.
18:29No.
18:30Do you agree with my idea?
18:32I don't care if they agree or not.
18:34I agree.
18:35That's it.
18:36Xiao Ling,
18:38since you agree,
18:40it's easy.
18:41As I know,
18:42our nanny Gu
18:43needs to be paid.
18:45But unfortunately,
18:46you are not an official nanny.
18:47You are my student.
18:49I won't charge you
18:50for playing Go for a week.
18:53Thank you, brother-in-law.
18:54If necessary,
18:55I can pay for it.
18:56What?
18:57I want to increase my salary.
18:58You can spend money
18:59to buy the thinnest one.
19:00She is sick.
19:01She is seriously ill.
19:02You wait.
19:04One week later,
19:05a hardworking
19:07Oriental nation
19:08will be born.
19:10Am I right?
19:25Aunt,
19:26I'm back.
19:27You are back, Jun Jun.
19:28No.
19:29Nanny Niu.
19:30Give me my shoes.
19:32Jun Jun,
19:33how can you talk to your aunt?
19:34I'm busy.
19:36Shut up.
19:37My father said
19:38in order to let you
19:39pass the homework test,
19:41we must strictly require you
19:42to take off your shoes
19:44and come to the study.
19:45Wait a minute.
19:46Let's go.
19:47Wait a minute.
19:48Take off your shoes.
19:50Come on.
19:54Come on.
19:55Take off your shoes.
20:02Xiao Ling,
20:03I'm back.
20:04No.
20:05Nanny Niu.
20:07Give me my shoes.
20:09No.
20:10I'm busy.
20:11I'm busy.
20:12Shut up.
20:13Your brother-in-law said
20:14in order to let you
20:15pass the homework test,
20:17we must strictly require you
20:19to take off your shoes
20:20and come to the study.
20:22No.
20:29Take off your shoes.
20:33Xiao Ling,
20:34I'm back.
20:35No.
20:36Nanny Niu.
20:37Give me my shoes.
20:39Brother-in-law,
20:40I'm busy.
20:41Shut up.
20:43In order to let you
20:44pass the homework test,
20:45we must strictly require you
20:47to take off your shoes
20:48and come to the study.
20:49No.
20:50I'm busy.
20:51Wait a minute.
20:56Brother-in-law.
20:58I can't do it.
21:02Dad.
21:03Is it too much
21:04to treat my aunt like this?
21:06It's not.
21:08Your aunt
21:09has said bad words to you
21:10a lot in your hometown.
21:11Did you forget?
21:12Her mom is a pervert.
21:13So...
21:14Right.
21:15Aunt.
21:16No.
21:17Nanny Niu.
21:18Give me something to drink.
21:23Water.
21:24I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:32I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:35I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:38I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:41I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:44I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:47I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:50I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:53I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:56I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
21:59I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:02I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:05I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:08I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:11I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:14I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:17I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:20I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:23I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:26I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:29I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:32I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:35I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:38I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:41I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:44I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:47I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:50I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:53I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:56I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
22:59I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:02I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:05I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:08I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:11I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:14I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:17I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:20I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:23I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:26I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:29I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:32I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.
23:35I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you.