Vince McMahon didn't know whether he was 76 or 77. Turns out, he's a lot younger than that...
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00:00The Danley Boys often tell me that life as a parent to a young child can be as exhausting
00:05as it is fulfilling. You have to wake them, feed them, bathe them, dress them, entertain
00:11them and make sure they go to bed on time, otherwise the next day is completely ruined.
00:16But you see, as wrestling fans we often compare everything to wrestling.
00:21Genetically Vince has more in common with a small child than an elderly man.
00:26Now that is scientific fact. There's no real evidence behind it, but it is scientific
00:31fact.
00:32Vince is a toddler, only without the fulfilling part, because he's a terrible person who
00:37resigned in disgrace.
00:39With that in mind, I'm Adam Wilborn from WhatCulture and these are 10 things Vince
00:43McMahon has in common with a small child.
00:46Number 10, he quickly tires of new toys.
00:51The average home with children kind of doubles as a bit of a toy graveyard. Children have
00:56an abysmal attention span and you'll be lucky if they're still playing on Boxing
01:01Day with the stuff you get them for Christmas, particularly if those things require double
01:05A batteries and are not included.
01:07Vince is very much the same in this way. He just sort of plays around with things for
01:10a bit and then goes, yeah, right, bored of that. What else we got here? Oh, this looks
01:14interesting.
01:15Nah, don't fancy it. Right, what about you?
01:18No, I don't like it anymore.
01:21That's what Vince does with wrestlers. He pushes them for a short while, then gets bored
01:25when he can't make them do what he wants them to do, and then just moves on to the
01:30next one.
01:31Basically, picture a children's wardrobe, which has a school uniform that you probably
01:36should have taken to the charity shop months ago alongside the likes of, I don't know,
01:42retribution or something like that. It's a bad, harsh mental image, but hey, that's Vince
01:47McMahon for you.
01:48Number nine, he doesn't sleep.
01:51I'm told that becoming a parent basically involves a trade offer. On the one hand, you
01:56get to bring this beautiful, brilliant new life into the world. But on the other hand,
02:01in exchange for that, you will never have a good night's sleep again ever, mainly because
02:06initially children don't sleep very long.
02:09Vince McMahon has remained that way for his entire life. He only sleeps a few hours a
02:14night, as do children, although theirs is due to separation anxiety and his is due to
02:20the fact he wants to get bound down the gym so he can do some clanging and banging, or
02:24so he can foister his ideas on the world to put smiles on faces, despite the evidence
02:31of the contrary, having watched Raw for the past two decades.
02:35Then again, what is a more effective form of torture? Is it sleep deprivation, or is
02:41it being forced to watch Monday Night Raw like Clockwork Orange every Monday?
02:47Number eight, he throws pissy fits when he hasn't had a feed.
02:51Kids can be impulsive, emotional characters, capable of about once a day throwing the mother
02:57of all tantrums. I remember once telling my nephew he couldn't play on his Switch until
03:02he'd cleaned his teeth, and he looked at me like, I will kill you in your sleep.
03:08But normally, it's because a kid is overtired, or just hasn't been fed recently, and even
03:13adults can get hangry. You see, when Vince gets hangry, he ruins the life of a performer
03:24because he hasn't had his din-dins.
03:27Legend has it, and this has been backed up by Chris Jericho and Brodie Lee on Talk is
03:31Jericho in 2020, that if you catch Vince before or during a feed, he will not pay a second
03:38of attention to what you're telling him about because he's busy with his nom-nom-noms.
03:44You could be pitching him the Bloodline and Sami Zayn storyline, and he's just obsessed
03:49with the subpar steak that he's got in front of him that he would probably describe as
03:54bad cow. My nephew could describe it better than that, and he's a little twi-
03:59Number seven, he only eats food that goes with ketchup.
04:04Parents are not adventurous eaters. This presents a bit of a challenge. They struggle
04:08with spice, with heat, complex flavours. It's just kind of bitter to them. Basically, if
04:15it isn't a burger, chips, or turkey Twizzlers, they ain't having it. But many parents out
04:20there know there is a cheat code, and that is tomato ketchup. They go mad for that s***,
04:28cover almost anything in it, and they will shove that food into their gob.
04:33Now, how does this relate to Vince? Well, in the big book of Vince is insane stories,
04:38you may have heard the time that he rubbished the idea and storyline that Eddie Guerrero
04:43could spike Big Show's burrito with laxatives. Ha ha ha, isn't poo funny? More on that in
04:51a short while. But the reason he did that is because he thought the general public would
04:56not know what a burrito was. This, despite the fact that Vince had been eating burritos
05:02for his lunch forever. You see, the reason he didn't know it was a burrito is because
05:08it had been lathered in ketchup, so he couldn't taste any of the delicious flavours in the
05:13burrito, because apparently, he's bloody five.
05:17Number six, he has a puerile sense of humour. Let's be honest, kids don't have that sophisticated
05:24a sense of humour, do they? Do you know what? I'll prove it to you. Here is a genuine joke
05:29a friend of mine's kid told me just the other day. Michael Sidgwick, knock knock.
05:34Who's there?
05:35Europe.
05:36You're a poo.
05:37No, you're a poo. Where are you going? Yes, bodily functions are apparently hilarious
05:44to the average man. I mean, if you've got one in a bath and it farts, it's like the
05:48funniest standard routine they have ever seen before in their life. And the same can apply
05:54to WWE programming. I mean, Vince's two funniest things, his favourite things in the entire
05:59world are people stepping in doggy doo doo and fully clothed people being shoved into
06:05swimming pools. Oh, how we laughed, Vince. Ha ha ha. Look at WWE's product, though.
06:12The British Bulldog getting rock bottomed into some dog poop. Check. Natalya having
06:17a farting gimmick. Vince loved it. No one else did, but Vince did. And have you ever
06:23heard him calling the Godwins slopping Sonny? He sounds like he's in the vinegar strokes
06:28in the midst of it. The creepy old bastard. Number five. He can be awful to his family.
06:35Kids are wildly emotional creatures because they haven't yet learned how to behave properly
06:41in scenarios. They'll run away from you in the supermarket. They will definitely ruin
06:46your mate's wedding if you decide to take them to it. And if you fail them in any way
06:52for the briefest moment of time, they may turn around, tell you that they hate you forever,
06:56or in my niece's case, legitimately bite me. But the thing is, that's because they're too
07:02young to know what the right thing to do is. Vince McMahon is seventy seven years old,
07:11and yet he punishes his own flesh and blood, even if he sets them impossible tasks. I mean,
07:18Triple H, right? NXT was never going to beat AEW straight out the gates. And yet,
07:26because of what happened, he demoted Triple H and took over his show. And what have they done
07:33to you, NXT? And oh, yeah, Vince McMahon sacked his own son after the Royal Rumble.
07:40Actually, I quite like that one, to be fair. Number four. He is incredibly forgetful. As
07:46your kid, what they learned at school that day, and they'll either tell you, um, um, um,
07:51can't remember or just inform you that they have a new best friend. But to be fair to them,
07:56there's a lot of information they have to take in on a daily basis, and a lot of things are new to
08:01them. And that's why you have to tell them every ten times before they go to bed. Brush your teeth,
08:07brush your teeth, brush your teeth, brush your teeth, right? We, the WWE audience, are not
08:14children. But because Vince McMahon is a senile old bastard, he feels the need to repeat everything
08:22a million times because he himself has probably bloody forgotten it. Climb the ladder,
08:27retrieve the briefcase, chuck someone over the top rope with both feet hitting the floor. We get it!
08:34I've seen a ladder match, and I've seen the Royal Rumble match many a time, Vince,
08:39just because you can't remember. Do you know what? Dave Meltzer, a while back, went on Twitter and
08:44confirmed the sort of dark web rumors that Vince McMahon, for a brief period in the latter stage
08:51of him running Monday Night Raw, was genuinely booking repeat runbacks of matches because he
08:57forgot that they'd happened the first time. Number three, he's primarily impressed by feats
09:06of strength. You know, I can still remember the first time I picked my nephew up, threw him in the
09:11air, caught him, and then popped him on my shoulders to go for a walk around the park where I pushed
09:17him so high on the swing he thought he was going to the moon, as Cameron Grimes would say. He looked
09:24at me like I was a demigod because it's not that difficult to impress children. Difficult to do
09:33many things as a parent, but impressing your kids, you know, who you're there to protect, isn't that
09:39difficult whatsoever. They are astonished by the merest feat of strength. I mean, do I really need
09:48to say any more about Vince McMahon? He has this insane, diverse, talented roster in WWE with the
09:55likes of Mustafa Ali, Ricochet, Chad Gable, but does he get them over? No, because he's got big,
10:03muscly blokes who can do stuff like flip over ambulances or whatever Braun Strowman fancies
10:10doing this week, and Vince McMahon will get the heart eyes emoji every single time he sees this
10:18because he's a basic bitch. Number two, he hates losing. Young children think the world revolves
10:26around them, and most of the time it does, mainly because the parents make sure that is the case.
10:32Particular example of this would be when it comes to games. Kids can't lose. A parent would rather
10:39snap a PS5 over their knee than have their child lose a competitive computer game, and do you know
10:46how many games of Hungry Hungry Hippos I have had to gimmick to prevent a breakdown by my nephew?
10:54It's not right. The thing is, the same applies to Vince McMahon, who just does not get the phrase
11:00you win some, you lose some. The story goes that Vince and his wife at the time, Linda McMahon,
11:07were playing pool against his son-in-law and Stephanie McMahon. Triple H and Steph won the
11:13fun game of pool, spots all stripes, oh no the white ball's gone in when I went to pot something
11:19else. Linda took the defeat, well because it's a game of pool, and Vince McMahon stormed upstairs,
11:27pissed off, and because he needed time to cool down apparently. This might be the best example
11:34on this list because Vince McMahon lost and literally had to go to the naughty step for a
11:41time out. Number one, he doesn't get boundaries. Children don't understand boundaries and so
11:48parents have to set them. A mainlines kid once tried to put his entire snot-covered hand in my
11:56mouth before his parent stopped him. Kids can't run amok and do whatever they want, they can't just
12:04interrupt people, sometimes they have to learn to sit quietly and listen and wait for their turn.
12:09They can't or shouldn't be nasty to someone to make themselves feel better. They can't take things
12:16that aren't theirs and they shouldn't do things to other people that they wouldn't want done
12:21to themselves. And when it comes to Vince McMahon...
12:30And that is our list. Did we miss any out? Let us know in the comment section below. Don't forget
12:36to like, share and subscribe, and subscribe to What Culture Wrestling wherever you get your
12:40podcasts from for daily wrestling podcasts. Plus you can let us know your thoughts on Twitter
12:45at WhatCultureWWE and you can find me on there at Adam Wilborn. Thanks for watching,
12:51I've been Adam from What Culture, you mad old bastard, and I'll see you soon.