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Have I Got News for You S68E01

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00:00I will say at this point, I'm glad to be here,
00:02but this week, I really need to be.
00:04APPLAUSE
00:10There was one high point when a policeman investigating me said,
00:14this may be a silly question, but is there anyone who might have
00:16a grudge against you?
00:20I have an alibi.
00:30This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:33APPLAUSE
00:58Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:01I'm Kevin Bridges.
01:02In the news this week, in London, three men about town meet up
01:06with their blind dates for the evening.
01:18At the Tory party conference in Birmingham,
01:20Rishi Sunak announces he is staying on as leader.
01:28And at the headquarters of SpaceX in California,
01:31secret footage emerges of Elon Musk preparing for his latest launch.
01:45On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:48who is currently writing a book about the nature of genius.
01:51No pressure, but it better not be shite.
01:53Please welcome Helen Lewis.
02:01On Paul's team is a comedian who describes her school days
02:04at an all-girls school in Kent as if Enid Blyton wrote Skins.
02:08So, please welcome the star of Five Get Trapped In A K-Hole,
02:12it's Chloe Pett.
02:20We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:22Ian and Helen, take a look at this.
02:26Finally, a scandal-free government.
02:28Oh, things can only get bitter.
02:32Just a change, change of shirt, change of suit.
02:34This is surely about the shortest honeymoon
02:37since that one Britney Spears had.
02:38Yes.
02:39Immediately, Keir Starmer gets in and lots of people have said,
02:42you shouldn't take these freebies, you're going to get into trouble,
02:45but, you know, he's a lawyer.
02:47He doesn't listen.
02:48You can't really spend years attacking the Tories for sleaze
02:52and then the first thing that happens is,
02:53one of your major donors is giving you all this stuff for free
02:57and it's just, it's glasses.
02:59And you think, don't walk straight into it.
03:02He should have gone to Specsavers, is what you're saying.
03:06I mean, just like the previous Labour government,
03:08if you remember the Blair government,
03:09ran straight into Bernie Eccleston,
03:11major donor, giving them a load of money and changing policy.
03:13And it's, at worst, disappointing and, B, it's just,
03:17it's the same again.
03:19Well... Big response from the audience.
03:21APPLAUSE
03:25It's not popular, but it is what's happening.
03:27Problems mounting up for Keir Starmer,
03:29would anybody like to play a game?
03:31Yeah, what's the game?
03:33It's called Fears For Keir.
03:35Well, now I've heard what it's called, I don't want to play it.
03:38Let's see if I can sell you on the game. Yeah, go on, then.
03:40It's a randomiser, it's going to stop on a picture
03:42and I want you all to tell me who it is and why they are a fear for Keir.
03:45OK, fine. Here's your first word.
03:47Can I just check the words that you're saying? Fear For Keir.
03:50Fear For Keir. Ah, I didn't know it was Feels For Keir.
03:53We were all going to be blindfolded and you were going to bring someone in
03:56and we had to work out a fear for Keir Starmer.
03:58And somebody's thrown me under the bus here
04:01with these pronunciations, as well.
04:03OK, here's your first picture.
04:10Well, that's Lord Ali, who's a major donor to the Labour Party.
04:14He gave them £500,000 and he's doing it for nothing.
04:19He doesn't want anything in return.
04:21Well, he did get to have a pass, didn't he, to Downing Street
04:24during the transition period, which they then took away from him.
04:26Which he was never really explained what he was there for,
04:28apart from just sort of vibing.
04:29I can only imagine a bit like he's sort of Bez in the Happy Mondays
04:32and he's just sort of there just to kind of keep the energy up.
04:35That's how I see him.
04:40That is Lord Asos, I mean, Lord Ali,
04:43who has paid for £32,000 worth of goodies,
04:46including clothes and glasses, for Starmer, what do we think?
04:50That is actually a Stone Island polo shirt.
04:54That is how confident he is he's going to get Oasis tickets.
04:59Money well spent.
05:00Well, he's given back the money for the Taylor Swift concert.
05:04He's paid back £6,000 worth of tickets.
05:08It's just odd that he didn't see that this was going to be a problem.
05:11It makes you think maybe he's not very good at politics.
05:14And the idea that you're saying,
05:16I'm going to give back the donations, well, some of them,
05:19well, a few of them, well, OK, those ones.
05:24It's not exactly saying, yep, you're right,
05:27let's be clean and transparent.
05:29I personally have a theory on why he gave the Taylor Swift tickets back,
05:32and it's because, I'm not sure if you guys have noticed this,
05:35Taylor Swift and Theresa May dance in exactly the same way.
05:40Like haunted marionettes.
05:42And I think he gave them back because he didn't want to get
05:45trauma flashbacks if he went to the Swifty concert.
05:47He'd be handed a friendship bracelet that just said,
05:49Brexit means Brexit.
05:52OK, what was Kiel's excuse for accepting £20,000 worth
05:56of free accommodation?
05:58It's really nice.
06:01Now, you said it was for his son to take GCSEs.
06:03That's correct. He defended his family staying at Lord Ali's flat
06:06so that his son could revise in peace for his GCSEs,
06:10adding, it's your one chance in life.
06:15It's a bit unfair on the retake market.
06:19And if he screwed up his exams, he could always learn a trade,
06:21something humble.
06:23I don't know, a humble tool-maker?
06:27What about his defence for taking free football tickets?
06:30This is the executive box, isn't it?
06:31Because if he sits on the stands, it might be a security issue.
06:34Yeah. He said...
06:41I can't go to a game.
06:42Don't go, then, you're a dick.
06:47What historic event did Kiel get a free ticket to?
06:50Was it the Battle of Heistings?
06:52The Euros? Correct.
06:54The Euro final, Spain versus England.
06:56A memorable evening for everybody in Glasgow.
07:03Here's Kiel enjoying a chat during the game.
07:05You can fucking watch some.
07:10Time for another Fear For Kiel.
07:16There we go, a pensioner giving him the wanker sign with Andy Black.
07:20Do you know what this is in relation to?
07:22Yes. This must be the winter fuel payment being taken away
07:24from richer pensioners.
07:25I don't think anybody wants the winter fuel payment to be cut.
07:28Mainly because it means your parents are going to have to come and stay.
07:32Everybody is angry.
07:33Check out this Daily Telegraph headline.
07:36Jeremy Corbyn was right.
07:38That's like the sign of the apocalypse.
07:41Was anybody able to articulate a defence of the policy?
07:45Older pensioners, you know, I won't be there for a very long time, but...
07:49It might be thought that they don't really need this
07:52and perhaps they shouldn't have it.
07:54I think that's the important thing.
07:56I think that's the important thing.
07:58It might be thought that they don't really need this
08:01and perhaps they shouldn't have it.
08:03I think that's the argument.
08:05I don't buy it, obviously.
08:07I claim every penny.
08:09Shall we see a Labour delegate put it a bit more coherently?
08:12Yeah.
08:13Are you worried about the optics of all the various donations,
08:16given the fact that you're having to make that choice
08:19or the Chancellor says Labour's had to make that choice
08:22to take away the winter fuel allowance from a lot of pensioners?
08:28LAUGHTER
08:32I think...
08:38Sorry, could you repeat the question?
08:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
08:48It was a really miserable conference for Labour.
08:52But who tried to lighten the mood?
08:56Absolutely no-one, as far as I can remember.
08:58We had Rachel Reeves having been doom and gloom all summer.
09:01The Times revealed that she would shift the tone
09:04to offer a more positive vision.
09:06Here she is, trying to offer that positive vision.
09:11There's a touch of Wallace and Gromit going on there, isn't there?
09:17How did Keir himself accidentally lighten the mood?
09:20Sausages instead of hostages.
09:22So good.
09:24What did you feel for him?
09:26Because he gave a very long speech and I thought,
09:28no-one will remember anything about that apart from he said,
09:30we're going to bring the sausages home.
09:32I think what happened there is sometimes when I come on the television,
09:35my mates will be like, can you get the word unicycling?
09:38Which you've just done.
09:40James, you owe me a tenner, mate.
09:42Unicycle, I'll have a tenner as well.
09:46I think what's happened here is his mate, Labour peer Waheed Ali,
09:50has gone, if you say sausages in your next speech,
09:53I'll give you £16,000.
09:57And he knew that hostages was coming up and he saw an opportunity.
10:00That's what I think has happened.
10:08Can I just say that the night Keir did that,
10:11I was doing an event with John McCarthy,
10:14who actually had been a hostage in Lebanon.
10:17And I thought, oh, no, this is really bad taste.
10:20I don't know what's going to happen.
10:23John McCarthy stood up and said, that's a former sausage.
10:34Shall we have a look at the clip?
10:36I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
10:39The return of the sausages.
10:47Is this any connection with Liz Truss opening up new pork markets?
10:53That is a disgrace.
10:57It's contradictory policies, though,
10:59because if the sausages get returned,
11:01then we've got no fuel to sort of cook them on.
11:06What are you writing down?
11:08Are you going to do that joke again, but better?
11:12No, actually, it's nothing to do with you.
11:14I'm just writing a book.
11:18Final fear for Keir. Let's take a look.
11:20Who have we got left?
11:23Angela Rayner.
11:25Do we get points for this?
11:27How long have you been doing this show?
11:29About 20 minutes.
11:32Yep, that is Angela Rayner.
11:34Considering they keep telling us there's no money,
11:36Labour can't stop splashing the cash.
11:38What has Angela Rayner spent £68,000 of taxpayer money on?
11:42Oh, this is a private photographer.
11:44A vanity photographer.
11:46Have you seen what she's been photographed doing so far?
11:49So, for £68,000, you would get a photographer
11:52who could remove his own fingers from the picture?
12:02Who will be happy about Angela Rayner's vanity photographer?
12:06She will be, presumably.
12:08Former Tory MP Jake Berry, here he is, talking about Angela Rayner.
12:12I actually think Angela Rayner is a very, very attractive woman.
12:15When I used to have a picture of her pinned up,
12:17I had a picture of her, there was a book launch,
12:19and I pinched the poster on the way out...
12:21Does your wife know this, by the way?
12:23Yeah, my wife does, don't worry.
12:25I pinched the poster on the way out,
12:27and I had it pinned up in my office.
12:29This is when I was Conservative MP.
12:33Sharing a split screen with Jeremy Kyle
12:35and you still come across as the creepiest after-death.
12:40But he's done quite well, considering, according to that caption,
12:43he was a form of chair.
12:46You're right.
12:52This is the end of Keir Starmer's honeymoon period.
12:55Just three months in, a majority of voters
12:57already think Labour will lose the next election.
13:00Put it this way, there are cruise ships in Belfast
13:02that have got off to a better start.
13:07Keir Starmer received tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.
13:10How times have changed at Westminster.
13:12In Boris's day, a Swiftie was when you impregnated
13:15a member of staff.
13:23Before your wife gets home.
13:27He did write a hysterical column in the Mail
13:30accusing Keir Starmer of being sleazy.
13:35Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
13:37Sorry, I looked the wrong way.
13:39Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
13:45What, are you going to do something?
13:47No, no, no.
13:50Paul and Chloe.
13:52We're still here, take a look at that.
14:00Has it been in the news this week?
14:07Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
14:11I think that's Tom Tugendhat.
14:13A clean start, yes.
14:15Just empty your pocket, sir.
14:17Yeah, that's James Cleverley.
14:19Kemi Badenoch looking for some mothers to take some money off.
14:22Yep.
14:24And...
14:26Just a normal way to hold your wife.
14:28Yeah, exactly, yeah.
14:30So, who are these people, do you know?
14:32Not a clue.
14:34No. I'm not sure some of them know.
14:36That says the Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham,
14:39the hottest ticket in town.
14:41Take a look at this.
14:43There is a brilliant buzz at this conference, isn't there?
14:47It's fantastic, terrific energy, thousands of you here.
14:51We've got members, councillors, MPs, businesses.
14:55In fact, it's such a hot ticket,
14:57I'm surprised that Keir Starmer hasn't asked somebody to buy him one.
15:03Rishi's joke belt, an absolute fucking belter.
15:07It's very peculiar.
15:09I mean, the party that's just won with a thumping majority
15:12is absolutely miserable.
15:14The ones that have been wiped out and got no chance
15:17for the next 50 decades are going, this is great!
15:20I actually think the Tories do like being in opposition.
15:23It means they can attack the people they really hate,
15:26which is each other.
15:28They're certainly thrilled.
15:30They thought they had a great conference, didn't they?
15:33I've got a problem, because as a citizen of a democracy,
15:36I want to be a leader, right?
15:38But as a journalist and someone who does comedy panel shows,
15:41I want it to be Robert Jenrick.
15:43Which one was he? He was the last one.
15:45One of his kids, his middle name is Thatcher.
15:48Really? And he said, I understand women,
15:50because I've got three daughters, a wife,
15:52and my two dogs are female.
15:56Kemi Badenoch has made a pretty strong pitch
15:59at being the biggest crackpot at the Tory leadership.
16:02What does she think is excessive?
16:05You're right, the answer is statutory maternity pay,
16:08which is always a good idea, winding up pregnant women.
16:14It's not good having a name that starts with the word bad, though,
16:17is it?
16:19And ends with Enoch.
16:25So, if you pledge support to Kemi Badenoch,
16:28you can join her WhatsApp group.
16:30What sort of fun do they have on Kemi Badenoch's WhatsApp group?
16:35Emojis? They're quite fun.
16:37They actually write Kemi-inspired limericks.
16:40No. No, I'm against that.
16:44Would you like to hear a sample? Oh, I think so, yeah.
16:47We know Kemi's got the right stuff
16:49and won't fail when the going gets tough.
16:52Then it just goes to shit.
16:54Tom, James, Mel and Bobby don't delight the lobby,
16:58so Miss Badenoch's the one up to snuff.
17:01I think it's like an A for help, rather than a limerick.
17:04We know Kemi's got the right stuff
17:06and won't fail when the going gets tough.
17:08You won't get any money if you're a new mummy, so...
17:13So we say she's had enough.
17:15Thank you very much. Thank you.
17:19We've got an alternative last line.
17:21Yeah, so don't try and get up the duff.
17:23Oh! Yes.
17:25Yeah, there we are.
17:27Robert Jenrick is probably the favourite.
17:29Now, if your name was Robert Jenrick
17:31and you wanted to jazz it up a bit so it was a bit more cool...
17:34Yeah. ..how would you go about that?
17:36Bobby. Bobby Jenrick.
17:38And he's called himself Bobby J. They've got hats.
17:40We want Bobby J. Yeah. We want Bobby J.
17:43It's an ill-advised reference to someone who got shot.
17:46It is also an ill-advised reference
17:48because according to Urban Dictionary...
17:50Yes, it's a reference to a blowjob.
17:52..in certain communities, yes.
17:55Terry looks scandalised. I've enjoyed your genuine kind of...
17:58Not Robert Jenrick!
18:00It's worth getting one of, isn't it?
18:02Yeah!
18:04The cat, I mean, the cat.
18:06You know?
18:08Robert Jenrick owns an unusual item
18:10of personal grooming equipment.
18:12Can you tell me what it is?
18:14A nasal perma.
18:18It is hair. It's kind of related to hair.
18:21Is your name Robert Jenrick?
18:23It's kind of related to hair.
18:25Is it a comb?
18:27You sound like you haven't come across one of those
18:29for a second. You're right.
18:32According to the Mirror,
18:34he has a special razor to shave his hands.
18:37What?
18:39Even more disturbingly, it's for his palms.
18:44Another of the candidates is James Cleverley.
18:47Every successful politician has a big vision
18:49and a slogan to match Obama's,
18:51Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream.
18:53Let's take a look at James Cleverley's.
18:55Let's be more normal.
19:00Liz Truss was at the Tory conference.
19:02What did she have to say?
19:04I'll be back.
19:06She said the Conservatives would have done better
19:08at the last election if they hadn't kicked her out.
19:10She said I wasn't wrong.
19:12Yeah.
19:14I mean, it's become a bit like going to see
19:16the lunatics in Bedlam, hasn't it?
19:18Oh, I wonder what Liz Truss will say.
19:21Say something mad.
19:31This is the Tory leadership battle
19:33down to the final four.
19:35The Guardian presented this helpful guide
19:37to the Conservative leadership candidates,
19:39after which the passport photo booth blew itself up.
19:44Kemi Badenoch told the Tory conference
19:46that 10% of civil servants
19:48should be in prison.
19:50So, about the same proportion
19:52of Tory MPs and BBC News readers.
19:57In Birmingham last week, Liz Truss declared...
20:09Do you want me to do that again, cleaner?
20:11Just carry on. Just carry on?
20:13All right, mate. Relax, mate. OK.
20:17And we forgot to do the round
20:19about the Middle East, so that's coming up.
20:23Not many series only have one episode,
20:25but...
20:28..this might be the one.
20:31And so, to round two,
20:33this is the strength-o-meter of news.
20:35OK, fangles on buzzers, teams.
20:38There we go.
20:42This is the cruise ship, which I believe now
20:44has eventually left Belfast.
20:46It's been there for about three or four months.
20:49And finally, it's set sail
20:51and they're just heading across the Atlantic now
20:53where there's been reports of icebergs,
20:55but they're not worried about that.
20:57Finally, it left Belfast on Monday.
20:59We can see how far it got.
21:01It got about as far as Bangor.
21:03Not even the one in Wales.
21:05It got as far as the local Bangor.
21:08And then it turned back, giving the explanation,
21:10we still have some administrative
21:12paperwork to be finished.
21:15Where is it going now?
21:17Caribbean, next up, isn't it?
21:19Closer to home.
21:21Caribbean?
21:25Isn't it going somewhere in Scotland?
21:27Yes, it is.
21:29I was quite flattered it was going to take in Scotland.
21:31It's going there to refuel.
21:34The cruise is meant to be a three-and-a-half-year
21:36round-the-world trip.
21:38Why might one cruiser be seeking a refund?
21:40He liked it in port and he's angry they've started moving.
21:42One woman paid £75,000
21:44for a permanent cabin
21:46for making critical comments
21:48in a private WhatsApp.
21:51She did it in limerick form as well.
21:55She did it in a private WhatsApp,
21:57so there's also a grass on board,
21:59which is the last thing you want to be in Belfast.
22:06How have the passengers spent their days
22:08stuck in Belfast?
22:10Having a good time, generally.
22:12They all seem to be very upbeat,
22:15that's to say.
22:17How did you manage to stay happy
22:19throughout all this happening?
22:21Oh, how can you not in Belfast?
22:23We've had so much fun.
22:25We drink.
22:27That is actually the captain
22:29and the first mate.
22:33OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:40One unusual thing to do with your mouth.
22:42I think this was the debate
22:44that got a lot of coverage at the time,
22:46particularly Donald Trump's assertion
22:48that people in a place called Springfield
22:50were eating pets, eating cats and dogs.
22:52Yeah, here we go.
22:54They're eating the dogs, the people that came in.
22:56They're eating the cats.
22:58They're eating...
23:00They're eating the pets of the people
23:02that live there.
23:06Perhaps he's seen somebody eating a hostage dog.
23:14Kamala Harris has been trying to present herself
23:16as a sort of Republican lite.
23:18How has she been doing that?
23:20She's, like, I own a gun, she says.
23:22Boasting, boasting to Oprah Winfrey,
23:24if anybody breaks into my house,
23:26they're getting shot.
23:28What has been Donald Trump's
23:30latest attempt to grab headlines?
23:32There are a lot of quite good sort of dance remixes
23:34of him, because he said they're eating the dogs,
23:36they're eating the cats, they're eating the pets
23:38of the people that live here, which actually
23:40is a much better poem than the Kemi WhatsApp truth
23:42and they could really learn a little something
23:44from that, frankly.
23:46This particular question is in relation to
23:48Donald Trump launching a new brand
23:50of luxury watches.
23:52Oh, yes.
23:54Which cost up to $100,000.
23:56Oh, they tell you the time that he should be doing.
23:58LAUGHTER
24:00APPLAUSE
24:02Here's the advert.
24:04This isn't just any watch,
24:06it's one of the best watches made
24:08with almost 200 grams of gold
24:11and 100 real diamonds.
24:13That's a lot of diamonds, I love gold,
24:15I love diamonds.
24:17Watches for administrative purposes only
24:19and is not an exact representation
24:21of the final product.
24:23There's a tiny writing at the bottom.
24:25Do you know the name of the company
24:27that makes the watches?
24:29Flybynightfakewatches.com
24:31They're called the best watches on Earth.
24:33LAUGHTER
24:35Why has a statue of Donald Trump
24:37caused upset in Las Vegas?
24:39It's a statue in the form of a one-armed bandit.
24:41So you pull his arm.
24:43And then a golden...
24:45No, I'm not going to...
24:47LAUGHTER
24:49Have you got a picture of it?
24:51Do you want to see the picture?
24:53Yes.
24:55It's from a different angle.
24:57Look, there's a little hostage there.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:01APPLAUSE
25:03What is the title of the artwork?
25:05Does anybody want to have a guess at that?
25:07Is it Naked Greed?
25:09Oh, that's good.
25:11The Little Prick?
25:13LAUGHTER
25:15APPLAUSE
25:19Yes, the 43-foot,
25:21£6,000 nude structure
25:23is called Crooked and Obscene.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:27Time now for the Missing Words Round,
25:29which this week features as its guest publication
25:31The Searcher, the magazine
25:33for metal detector enthusiasts.
25:36Search as long as you like.
25:38You won't find anything that anyone gives a shit about.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:42I would dispute your fact
25:44that no-one's ever found anything interesting.
25:46I was in a field.
25:48Did someone find you?
25:50Yeah.
25:52No, and I went with a metal detector
25:54and I found an Anglo-Saxon silver coin.
25:56King Edgar.
25:58About 5.90.
26:00That's not what it's worth.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:04We start with...
26:08What?
26:10Oven usage.
26:12Cold conkers.
26:14Very close.
26:16The answer is frozen conkers.
26:18This is Conker Fawn
26:20in Hertfordshire,
26:22where one angry competitor
26:24said that using frozen conkers
26:26was cheating, pure and simple.
26:28Thanks to Labour scrapping the fuel allowance,
26:30there's going to be a lot of pensioners
26:32with frozen conkers this winter.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:36APPLAUSE
26:38Next.
26:40If you miss what, there's now a website
26:42that lets you relive it?
26:44Evensong.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:48If you miss experiencing life
26:50because you're glued to the internet,
26:52there's now a website that lets you relive it.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:56The answer is, if you miss sounds
26:58computers made in the 1990s,
27:00there's now a website that lets you relive it.
27:02This is an article for...
27:10LAUGHTER
27:12I'm not sure I know how to do that,
27:14but more importantly,
27:16neither did Hugh Edwards.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:20Finally.
27:22While out with my metal detector
27:24in a field in Shropshire,
27:26I was surprised to find...
27:29LAUGHTER
27:31APPLAUSE
27:39We've got a picture of Ian here.
27:43You look as if you're building a joint
27:45with that guy, Ian.
27:47LAUGHTER
27:49So, the final scores are
27:51Ian and Helen have three points
27:53and Paul and Chloe have seven.
27:55Well done, Chloe.
27:57Anyway, you were brilliant.
28:01On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
28:03Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis,
28:05Paul Merton and Chloe Petz,
28:07and I leave you with the news that at the new
28:09Ryman's Megastore in London,
28:11after setting his heart on the giant hole punch,
28:13one customer wonders whether he could claim it back
28:15as office supplies.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:19At a retirement home in Fife,
28:21one lucky nana celebrates having won
28:23this week's bingo jackpot.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:27And in London, a new artwork
28:29is unveiled at the headquarters
28:31of the National Institute of Proctologists.
28:33LAUGHTER
28:37Goodnight.
28:39APPLAUSE
28:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE