Have I Got News for You S68 E01
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00:00I will say at this point, I'm glad to be here,
00:02but this week, I really need to be.
00:04APPLAUSE
00:10There was one high point when a policeman investigating me said,
00:14this may be a silly question, but is there anyone who might have
00:16a grudge against you?
00:20I have an alibi.
00:30This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:33APPLAUSE
01:00Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:02In the news this week, in London, three men about town meet up
01:06with their blind dates for the evening.
01:18At the Tory party conference in Birmingham,
01:20Rishi Sunak announces he is staying on as leader.
01:28And at the headquarters of SpaceX in California,
01:31secret footage emerges of Elon Musk preparing for his latest launch.
01:45On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:48who is currently writing a book about the nature of genius.
01:51No pressure, but it better not be shite.
01:53Please welcome Helen Lewis.
02:01On Paul's team is a comedian who describes her school days
02:04at an all-girls school in Kent as if Enid Blyton wrote Skins.
02:08So please welcome the star of Five Get Trapped In A K-Hole,
02:12it's Chloe Petty.
02:20We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:22Ian and Helen, take a look at this.
02:26Finally, a scandal-free government.
02:29Oh, things can only get bitter.
02:32Just a change, change of shirt, change of suit.
02:35This is surely about the shortest honeymoon
02:37since that one Britney Spears had.
02:38Yes.
02:39Immediately, Keir Starmer gets in and lots of people have said,
02:42you shouldn't take these freebies, you're going to get into trouble,
02:45but, you know, he's a lawyer.
02:47He doesn't listen.
02:49You can't really spend years attacking the Tories for sleaze
02:52and then the first thing that happens is one of your major donors
02:55is giving you all this stuff for free.
02:57And it's just... It's glasses.
02:59And you think, don't walk straight into it.
03:02He should have gone to Specsavers, is what you're saying.
03:06I mean, just like the previous Labour government,
03:08if you remember the Blair government,
03:09ran straight into Bernie Eccleston,
03:11major donor, giving them a load of money and changing policy.
03:13And it's, at worst, disappointing, and, B, it's just...
03:17It's the same again.
03:19Well... Big response from the audience.
03:21APPLAUSE
03:25It's not popular, but it is what's happening.
03:27Problems mounting up for Keir Starmer.
03:29Would anybody like to play a game?
03:31Yeah, what's the game?
03:33It's called Fears For Keir.
03:35Well, now I've heard what it's called, I don't want to play it.
03:38Let's see if I can sell you on the game. Yeah, go on, then.
03:40It's a randomiser, it's going to stop on a picture
03:42and I want you all to tell me who it is and why they are a fear for Keir.
03:45OK, fine. Here's your first word.
03:47Can I just check the words that you're saying? Fear For Keir.
03:50Fear For Keir. Ah, I didn't know it was Feels For Keir.
03:53We were all going to be blindfolded and you were going to bring someone in
03:56and we had to work out a fear for Keir Starmer.
03:58LAUGHTER
03:59Somebody's thrown me under the bus here with these pronunciations.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03OK, here's your first picture.
04:05MUSIC
04:10Well, that's Lord Ali, who's a major donor to the Labour Party.
04:14He gave them £500,000 and he's doing it for nothing.
04:19He doesn't want anything in return.
04:21Well, he did get to have a pass, didn't he, to Downing Street
04:24during the transition period, which they then took away from him.
04:26Which he was never really explained what he was there for,
04:28apart from just sort of vibing.
04:30I can only imagine a bit like he's sort of Bez in the Happy Mondays
04:32and he's just sort of there just to kind of keep the energy up.
04:35Yeah, that's how I see him.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:40That is Lord Asos, I mean, Lord Ali,
04:43who has paid for £32,000 worth of goodies,
04:46including clothes and glasses for Storm, or what do we think?
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50That is actually a Stone Island polo shirt.
04:54That is how confident he is he's going to get Oasis tickets.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59Money well spent.
05:00Well, he's given back the money for the Taylor Swift concert.
05:04He's paid back £6,000 worth of tickets.
05:08It's just odd that he didn't see that this was going to be a problem.
05:11It makes you think maybe he's not very good at politics.
05:14And the idea that you're saying,
05:16I'm going to give back the donations, well, some of them,
05:19well, a few of them, well, OK, those ones.
05:24It's not exactly saying, yep, you're right,
05:27let's be clean and transparent.
05:29I personally have a theory on why he gave the Taylor Swift tickets back,
05:32and it's because, I'm not sure if you guys have noticed this,
05:35Taylor Swift and Theresa May dance in exactly the same way.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:40Like haunted marionettes.
05:42And I think he gave them back because he didn't want to get
05:45trauma flashbacks if he went to the Swifty concert.
05:47He'd be handed a friendship bracelet that just said,
05:49Brexit means Brexit.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:52OK, what was Kiel's excuse for accepting £20,000 worth
05:56of free accommodation?
05:58It's really nice.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01You said it was for his son to take GCSEs.
06:03That's correct. He defended his family staying at Lord Ali's flat
06:06so that his son could revise in peace for his GCSEs,
06:10adding, it's your one chance in life.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:15A bit unfair on the retake market.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19And if he screwed up his exams, he could always learn a trade,
06:21something humble.
06:23I don't know, a humble tool-maker?
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27What about his defence for taking free football tickets?
06:30This is the executive box, isn't it?
06:31Because if he sits on the stands, it might be a security issue.
06:34Yeah. He said he can't take his security detail into the stands,
06:38so if I don't accept a gift of hospitality, I can't go to a game.
06:42Don't go then, you're a dick.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:47What historic event did Kier get a free ticket to?
06:50Was it the Battle of Heistings?
06:52The Euros? Correct.
06:54The Euro final, Spain versus England.
06:56A memorable evening for everybody in Glasgow.
06:59LAUGHTER
07:03Here's Kier enjoying a chat during the game.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:08You can fucking watch some.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:13Time for another Fear For Kier.
07:15MUSIC
07:19There we go, a pensioner giving him the wanker sign with Andy Black.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:24Do you know what this is in relation to? Yes.
07:25This must be the winter fuel payment being taken away
07:28from richer pensioners.
07:29I don't think anybody wants the winter fuel payment to be cut.
07:32Mainly because it means your parents are going to have to come and stay.
07:36Everybody is angry.
07:38Check out this Daily Telegraph headline.
07:41Jeremy Corbyn was right.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:45That's like the sign of the apocalypse.
07:48Was anybody able to articulate a defence of the policy?
07:51Older pensioners, you know, I won't be there for a very long time, but...
07:55LAUGHTER
07:57..it might be thought that they don't really need this
07:59and perhaps they shouldn't have it.
08:01I think that's the argument.
08:02I don't buy it, obviously.
08:04I claim every penny.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:07Should we see a Labour delegate put it a bit more coherently?
08:10Yeah.
08:11Are you worried about the optics of all the various donations,
08:16given the fact that you're having to make that choice,
08:18or the Chancellor says Labour's had to make that choice
08:22to take away the winter fuel allowance from a lot of pensioners?
08:28LAUGHTER
08:31I think...
08:37Sorry, could you repeat the question?
08:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
08:47It was a really miserable conference for Labour.
08:51But who tried to lighten the mood?
08:54Absolutely no-one, as far as I can remember.
08:56We had Rachel Reeves having been doom and gloom all summer,
08:59the Times revealed that she would shift the tone
09:02to offer a more positive vision.
09:04Here she is, trying to offer that positive vision.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:09There's a touch of Wallace and Gromit going on there, isn't there?
09:12LAUGHTER
09:15How did Keir himself accidentally lighten the mood?
09:18Sausages instead of hostages.
09:20So good. Yeah.
09:22I did feel for him because he gave a very long speech
09:24and I thought, no-one will remember anything about that
09:26apart from he said, we're going to bring the sausages home.
09:29I think what happened there is sometimes,
09:31when I come on the television, my mates will be like,
09:34can you get the word unicycling?
09:36Which you've just done.
09:38James, you owe me a tenner, mate.
09:40Unicycle, I'll have a tenner as well.
09:44I think what's happened here is his mate, Labour peer Waheed Ali,
09:49has gone, if you say sausages in your next speech,
09:52I'll give you 16 grand.
09:55And he knew that hostages was coming up
09:58and he saw an opportunity.
10:00That's what I think has happened.
10:07Can I just say that the night Keir did that,
10:10I was doing an event with John McCarthy,
10:13who actually had been a hostage in Lebanon,
10:16and I thought, oh, no, this is really bad taste.
10:19I don't know what's going to happen.
10:21John McCarthy stood up and said, that's a former sausage.
10:33Shall we have a look at the clip?
10:35I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
10:38The return of the sausages.
10:46Is this any connection with Liz Truss opening up new pork markets?
10:52That is a disgrace. Yes.
10:57It's contradictory policies, though,
10:59because if the sausages get returned,
11:01then we've got no fuel to sort of cook them on.
11:05What are you writing down?
11:07Are you going to do that joke again, but better?
11:11No, actually, it's nothing to do with you,
11:13I'm just writing a book.
11:17Final fear for Keir, let's take a look.
11:19Who have we got left?
11:23Angela Rayner.
11:25Do we get points for this? No, we don't.
11:27How long have you been doing this show?
11:29About 20 minutes.
11:31Yep, that is Angela Rayner.
11:33Considering they keep telling us there's no money,
11:35Labour can't stop splashing the cash.
11:37What has Angela Rayner spent £68,000 of taxpayer money on?
11:42Oh, this is a private photographer.
11:44A vanity photographer.
11:46What has she been photographed doing so far?
11:50So, for £68,000, you would get a photographer
11:54who could remove his own fingers from the picture?
12:03Who will be happy about Angela Rayner's vanity photographer?
12:07She will be, presumably.
12:09Former Tory MP Jake Berry, here he is, talking about Angela Rayner.
12:13I actually think Angela Rayner is a very, very attractive woman.
12:16I used to have a picture of her pinned up.
12:18I had a picture of her, there was a book launch,
12:20and I pinched the poster on the way out...
12:22Does your wife know this, by the way?
12:24Yeah, my wife does, don't worry.
12:25I pinched the poster on the way out and I had it pinned up in my office.
12:28This is when I was Conservative MP.
12:33Sharing a split screen with Jeremy Kyle,
12:36and you still come across as the creepiest after death.
12:40But he's done quite well, considering, according to that caption,
12:42he was a form of chair.
12:46You know...
12:51This is the end of Keir Starmer's honeymoon period.
12:54Just three months in, a majority of voters already think
12:57Labour will lose the next election.
12:59Put it this way, there are cruise ships in Belfast
13:01that have got off to a better start.
13:06Keir Starmer received tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.
13:09How times have changed at Westminster.
13:11In Boris's day, a Swiftie was when you impregnate a member of staff.
13:22Before your wife gets home.
13:27He did write a hysterical column in the Mail
13:29accusing Keir Starmer of being sleazy.
13:34Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
13:36Sorry, I looked along, mate.
13:38Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
13:46What, are you going to do something? No, no, no.
13:50Paul and Chloe. Yeah.
13:52We're still here. Take a look at that.
14:00Has it been in the news this week?
14:02Shut up, shut up.
14:04Yeah, Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
14:09I think that's Tom Tugendhat.
14:11A clean start, yes.
14:13Just empty your pocket, sir.
14:15Yeah, that's James Cleverley.
14:17Cammy Badenoch looking for some mothers to take some money off.
14:20Yep. And, er...
14:24Just a normal way to hold your wife.
14:26Yeah, exactly, yeah.
14:28So, who are these people, do you know?
14:30Not a clue. No.
14:32I'm not sure some of them know.
14:34This is the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham,
14:37the hottest ticket in town.
14:39Take a look at this.
14:41There is a brilliant buzz at this conference, isn't there?
14:45It's fantastic. Terrific energy.
14:47Thousands of you here.
14:49We've got members, councillors, MPs, businesses.
14:53In fact, it's such a hot ticket,
14:55I'm surprised that Keir Starmer hasn't asked you
14:58to buy him one.
15:00I'm surprised that Keir Starmer
15:02hasn't asked somebody to buy him one.
15:04Rushie's joke belt, an absolute fucking belter.
15:10But it's very peculiar.
15:12I mean, the party that's just won with a thumping majority
15:15is absolutely miserable.
15:17The ones that have been wiped out and got no chance
15:20for the next 50 decades are going, this is great!
15:23I actually think the Tories do like being in opposition.
15:26They don't really hate, which is each other.
15:29They're certainly thrilled.
15:31They thought they had a great conference, didn't they?
15:33I've got a problem, because as a citizen of a democracy,
15:35I want them to have a really good leader, right?
15:37But as a journalist and someone who does comedy panel shows,
15:39I want it to be Robert Jenrig.
15:41Which one was he?
15:43He's the last one. He was the last one?
15:45One of his kids, his middle name is Thatcher.
15:48Really? And he said, I understand women,
15:50because I've got three daughters, a wife,
15:52and my two dogs are female.
15:55Kemi Badenoch has made a pretty strong pitch
15:58at being the biggest crackpot at the Tory leadership.
16:01What does she think is excessive maternity pay?
16:05You're right, the answer is statutory maternity pay,
16:08which is always a good idea, winding up pregnant women.
16:14It's not good having a name that starts with the word bad, though,
16:17is it?
16:19And ends with Enoch.
16:25So, if you pledge support to Kemi Badenoch,
16:27you can join her WhatsApp group.
16:30What sort of fun do they have on Kemi Badenoch's WhatsApp group?
16:34Emojis? They're quite fun. Yeah.
16:36They actually write Kemi-inspired limericks.
16:39No. No, I'm against that.
16:42Would you like to hear a sample?
16:44Yes, please. Oh, I think so, yeah.
16:46We know Kemi's got the right stuff
16:48and won't fail when the going gets tough.
16:51Then it just goes to shit.
16:53Tom, James, Mel and Bobby, don't delight the lobby,
16:57so Miss Badenoch's the one up to snuff.
17:02I think it's a cry for help rather than a limerick.
17:05We know Kemi's got the right stuff
17:07and won't fail when the going gets tough.
17:09You won't get any money if you're a new mummy, so...
17:14..so we say she's had enough.
17:16Thank you very much. Thank you.
17:20Have you got an alternative last line?
17:22Go on, then. So don't try and get up the duff.
17:24Oh! Yes!
17:26Yeah, there we are.
17:28Robert Jenrick is probably the favourite.
17:30Now, if your name was Robert Jenrick
17:32and you wanted to jazz it up a bit so it was a bit more cool...
17:35Yeah. ..how would you go about that?
17:37Bobby. Bobby Jenrick.
17:39And he's called himself Bobby J. They've got hats.
17:41We want Bobby J. Yeah. We want Bobby J.
17:44It's an ill-advised reference to someone who got shot.
17:47It is also an ill-advised reference
17:49because according to Urban Dictionary...
17:51Yes, it's a reference to a blowjob.
17:53..and certain communities, yes.
17:57Chloe looks scandalised.
17:59I've enjoyed your genuine kind of...
18:01SHE GASPS Not Bobby Jenrick!
18:03It's worth getting one of, isn't it?
18:07The cat, I mean, the cat.
18:11Robert Jenrick owns an unusual item of personal grooming equipment.
18:14Can you tell me what it is?
18:16A nasal perma.
18:21It is hair. It's kind of related to hair.
18:23Is it a comb?
18:26You sound like you haven't come across one of those before.
18:29You're right.
18:31According to the Mirror,
18:33he has a special razor to shave his hands.
18:36What?!
18:38Even more disturbingly, it's for his palms.
18:43Another of the candidates is James Cleverley.
18:46Every successful politician has a big vision
18:48and a slogan to match Obama's Yes We Can.
18:50Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream.
18:52Let's take a look at James Cleverley's.
18:54Let's be more normal.
19:00Liz Truss was at the Tory conference.
19:02What did she have to say? I'll be back.
19:05She said the Conservatives would have done better
19:07at the last election if they hadn't kicked her out.
19:10She said I wasn't wrong. Yeah.
19:12I mean, it's become a bit like going to see
19:14the lunatics in Bedlam, hasn't it?
19:16Oh, I wonder what Liz Truss will say.
19:18Go on.
19:20Say something mad.
19:29This is the Tory leadership battle down to the final four.
19:32The Guardian presented this helpful guide
19:34to the Conservative leadership candidates,
19:36after which the passport photo booth blew itself up.
19:42Kemi Badenoch told the Tory conference
19:45that 10% of civil servants should be in prison.
19:48So, about the same proportion of Tory MPs and BBC newsreaders.
19:56In Birmingham last week, Liz Truss declared...
20:08Do you want me to do that again, cleaner?
20:10Just carry on. All right, mate. Relax, mate.
20:13OK.
20:16And we forgot to do the round about the Middle East,
20:19so that's coming up.
20:22Not many series only have one episode, but...
20:27..this might be the one.
20:30And so, to Round Two.
20:32This is the strength-o-meter of news.
20:34OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
20:37There we go.
20:40BUZZER
20:42This is the cruise ship, which I believe now
20:44has eventually left Belfast.
20:46It's been there for about three or four months,
20:48and finally it's set sail and they're just heading
20:50across the Atlantic now, where there's been reports of icebergs,
20:53but they're not worried about that.
20:56Finally, it left Belfast on Monday.
20:58We can see how far it got. Yeah.
21:00It got about as far as Bangor. Yeah.
21:02Not even the one in Wales.
21:04It got as far as the local Bangor.
21:07And then it turned back, giving the explanation...
21:14Where is it going now?
21:16Caribbean, next up, isn't it?
21:18Closer to home.
21:20Caribbean?
21:23Sorry.
21:24Isn't it going somewhere in Scotland?
21:26Yes, it is. I was quite flattered it was going to take in Scotland.
21:29It's going there to refuel.
21:32The cruise is meant to be a three-and-a-half-year
21:34round-the-world trip.
21:36One cruiser will be seeking a refund.
21:38He liked it in port and he's angry they've started moving.
21:41One woman paid £75,000 for a permanent cabin
21:44and she was kicked off for making critical comments
21:48in a private WhatsApp.
21:50She did it in limerick form as well.
21:54She did it in a private WhatsApp,
21:56so there's also a grass on board,
21:58which is the last thing you want to be in Belfast.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:05How have the passengers spent their days stuck in Belfast?
22:08Having a good time.
22:09Generally, they all seem to be very upbeat,
22:11the people I saw being interviewed on the news.
22:13One couple had this to say.
22:15How did you manage to stay happy throughout all this happening?
22:18Oh, how can you not in Belfast?
22:20We've had so much fun. We drink.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:26That is actually the captain and the first mate.
22:29LAUGHTER
22:31OK, fangles on buzzers, teams.
22:37BUZZER
22:39One unusual thing to do with your mouth.
22:41I think this was a debate which got a lot of coverage at the time,
22:44particularly Donald Trump's assertion
22:46that people in a place called Springfield
22:48were eating pets, eating cats and dogs.
22:50Yeah, here we go.
22:52They're eating the dogs, the people that came in.
22:55They're eating the cats.
22:57They're eating...
22:59They're eating the pets of the people that live there.
23:06Perhaps he's seen somebody eating a hostage dog.
23:14Kamala Harris has been trying to present herself
23:17as a sort of Republican light.
23:19How has she been doing that?
23:21I own a gun, she says.
23:22Boasting. Boasting to Oprah Winfrey.
23:24If anybody breaks into my house, they're getting shot.
23:28What has been Donald Trump's latest attempt to grab headlines?
23:31There are a lot of quite good sort of dance remixes of him,
23:33because he said they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats,
23:36they're eating the pets of the people that live here,
23:38which actually is a much better poem than the Kemi Whatsapp group,
23:41and they could really learn a little something from that, frankly.
23:44This particular question is in relation to Donald Trump
23:48launching a new brand of luxury watches.
23:50Oh, yes. Yes.
23:52Which cost up to $100,000.
23:54Oh, they tell you the time that he should be doing.
24:01Here's the advert.
24:03This isn't just any watch, it's one of the best watches made,
24:06with almost 200 grams of gold and more than 100 real diamonds.
24:11That's a lot of diamonds. I love gold, I love diamonds.
24:15Watches for administrative purposes only,
24:17and it's not an exact representation of the final product.
24:21There's a tiny writing at the bottom.
24:23Do you know the name of the company that makes the watches?
24:26Flybynightfakewatches.com.
24:29They're called the best watches on Earth.
24:33Why has a statue of Donald Trump caused upset in Las Vegas?
24:37Is the statue in the form of a one-armed bandit?
24:41So you pull his arm.
24:43And then a golden sh... No, I'm not going to...
24:47Have you got a picture of it? Do you want to see the picture?
24:50It's offended.
24:54It's from a different angle.
24:56Look, there's a little hostage there.
25:03What is the title of the artwork?
25:05Does anybody want to have a guess at that?
25:07Is it Naked Greed?
25:09Oh, that's good. I like that.
25:11The Little Prick?
25:13APPLAUSE
25:19Yes, the 43ft, £6,000 nude structure is called Crooked and Obscene.
25:26Time now for the Missing Words Round,
25:28which this week features as its guest publication, The Searcher,
25:32the magazine for metal detector enthusiasts.
25:35Search as long as you like.
25:37You won't find anything that anyone gives a shit about.
25:41I would dispute your fact
25:43that no-one's ever found anything interesting.
25:46I was in a field.
25:48Did someone find you? Yeah.
25:51No, I went with a metal detector
25:53and I found an Anglo-Saxon silver coin, King Edgar.
25:57About 5.90.
25:59That's not what it's worth.
26:03We start with...
26:06Up in arms over what?
26:08Fake conkers.
26:09Oven usage?
26:11Cold conkers.
26:13Very close.
26:14The answer is frozen conkers.
26:16Frozen conkers.
26:17This is Conker Fawn in Hertfordshire,
26:20where one angry competitor said that using frozen conkers
26:24was cheating, pure and simple.
26:26There we go.
26:27Thanks to Labour scrapping the fuel allowance,
26:29there's going to be a lot of pensioners
26:31with frozen conkers this winter.
26:36APPLAUSE
26:38Next...
26:42Evensong.
26:46If you miss experiencing life because you're glued to the internet,
26:50there's now a website that lets you relive it.
26:53The answer is...
26:59There's now a website that lets you relive it.
27:02This is an article for...
27:10I'm not sure I know how to do that,
27:12but more importantly, neither did Hugh Edwards.
27:18Finally.
27:19While out with my metal detector in a field in Shropshire,
27:22I was surprised to find...
27:24A metal detector!
27:26Ian Hislop.
27:27Yes!
27:28APPLAUSE
27:32APPLAUSE
27:38We've got a picture of Ian here.
27:42You look as if you're building a joint with that guy, Ian.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:47So, the final scores are...
27:52And Paul and Chloe have seven.
27:54Well done, Chloe. Well done.
27:56Well done.
27:57You were brilliant.
28:00On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
28:03Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Chloe Petz,
28:05and I leave you with the news that at the new Ryman's Megastore
28:08in London, after setting his heart on the giant hole punch,
28:11one customer wonders whether he could claim it back
28:13as office supplies.
28:18At a retirement home in Fife,
28:20one lucky nana celebrates having won this week's bingo jackpot.
28:25And in London, a new artwork is unveiled at the headquarters
28:28of the National Institute of Proctologists.
28:35Goodnight.
28:37APPLAUSE
28:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE