Taskmaster - S18E04 - Im a Girl Who Likes a Clean Line
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00:00I
00:16Know you
00:30Welcome to taskmaster the answer to the question where can I see an overweight but dashing man get a feckless weasel with a wonky tooth to torture his peer group for pointless tasks channel 4 that's where silly let's meet them now they are andy zoltzman
00:51Oh
01:03Next to me a man who says that he loves to holiday in Wales because it is so beautiful
01:09But longs for the day when its people are driven into the sea
01:20Hello
01:22Hello Greg, hello there. Hello. I've got your present. Thank you. Do you like cars?
01:27Do I yeah, do you yes good. Oh, do you like Greg Davis? Oh
01:33Bally stop looking in the mirror. Well, I think you'll like genuine personalized number plates
01:44Back and front
01:47I'm a play for Greg Davis. Does it say Gary Davis?
01:56What's the prize task today this time they've brought in the thing most likely to make you say war Christ
02:04Now that is badass
02:06We've all probably said badass I'm sure we've all probably had badass, but Greg wants to see something
02:13Make some say it like he means it and that will result in five really really big points you
02:18Emma city. Yes. How are you gonna make me say now that is badass. This is something that I own
02:25It's very precious to me and I think it speaks for itself
02:31It's very precious to me and I think it speaks for itself react to this Greg, okay
02:37I know I've got to say if it does
02:39Elicit the response. Here we go
02:51Nothing
02:53Now that is badass I
02:56Hate it. I find it religiously insensitive. Yes, I think God and Jesus would love that
03:13Any of the big three would like that
03:17Horrible yeah
03:20Yo
03:23Are you gonna make me say wow, that's his badass a hundred percent. Well, how's your footwear nowadays, bro?
03:28You got your sock game on unlock. I won't lie. Yeah, I got something that better than these shoes
03:34100% way better than
03:39He's gonna get you these shoes Greg, all right
03:43Nike Air Force one. Let me tell you something. Yeah. So now when you come to like the ends, right?
03:49You wear white Air Force's when I come to the the ends and the ends bro watch top boy, bruv, okay
03:57It's a lot of work for me to do before I can say these are badass
04:02All you need to do is just rock up with a pair of white Air Forces
04:05But this is the thing you can't just rock up with a pair Air Forces, right?
04:08You've got a laugh, but the laugh has to be smooth. You've got to be like
04:10What
04:15Situations am I gonna do this in brother?
04:17I'm just trying to inject some youth into you. You're the one that's turned like what did you say like 75?
04:24Feels like it, but I don't know whether I'm gonna feel more youthful if I go into any situation and go
04:32White train, I'm not gonna lie that laugh was good
04:35Oh
04:38What have you brought in so I brought in something and then I've also brought in a
04:48promise
04:52Let's dance well
04:54There's nothing more badass than a tattoo
04:59I got to want to and I got a third one. Yeah
05:15Wow
05:18Promise is
05:20if you don't
05:24Award me quite highly. Yeah
05:27I'll do it again
05:36Jack yeah
05:39I'm unpopular in the world of hip-hop and rap and
05:43so I borrowed something from a rapper friend of mine and
05:47He sent me one of his outfits and he's pretty famous as well. So I
05:52You drop it out. No, he's I'll give you the name. He's called TK Max
05:58I know that guy. Yeah, and he was just said whatever you need. I'm sending it to you. Greg. Is this badass?
06:08No
06:11Maybe outfits I would wear if I was unloading an angel from the back of a van
06:19Anyway, it's your choice
06:22It is not
06:25Only Andy Zoltsman can save us. There's a dangerous words, Greg
06:29I thought you know, what would make you say badass. So I made you a work of art. Let's reveal Andy's work of art
06:36Here we go
06:44Now that is a badass also, I mean, let's look at the quality of the painting
06:50That's bad, isn't it?
06:54It's a badass. Yeah, and it's badass. Yes. See Emma how this works
07:00Go back and see that cherub because after all this you're gonna be like well my god stick the cherub back up for us
07:06Okay, here is the badass
07:08Yeah
07:15Which one would make you say badass least it's between Jack's awful moving outfit and Emma's badass angel
07:22So I'd be really nice and give them both to pair of trainers as well in that
07:27Make his decision
07:30He's right though
07:34Well picked up on I'll give two points to all of those people and then we'll jump up
07:37I think we've got to reward Zoltsman. He created the correct ass for the situation
07:42I'm gonna give him five points and I'll give this merger a four
07:52Okay, let's take things to the next level
08:07Oh
08:11Alex honey, it's gold this time. It's nice nice little touch
08:20Can I open this is task probably
08:22Oh
08:35Push the envelope the furthest you have half an hour your time starts now. I
08:43Could say some outrageous things see that pushes the envelope get myself cancelled
08:52I
08:55Can
08:59Use this pillow for what's this supposed to do present my nuts on it to my wife
09:07Yeah, what do you do I dressed as spongebob squarepants to a fancy dress party and everyone's like
09:16We don't do that in Guilford and I was like I do
09:19Do that when I come into the room
09:27Right, I'm gonna take the envelope
09:31Excuse me
09:34Oh, that's better, okay
09:44Surprisingly heavily sexual from three out of five of you
09:48You were asked to push the envelope and within seconds Jones had compared it to a vagina. I presume
09:54Of course
10:07What you're saying is if you don't understand any phrase in the English language you assume it's sexual
10:16Walk past you instead of a rolling stone gathers no moss and you've gone
10:24I
10:26Think we should we're gonna begin by watching Emma and Rosie push their envelopes Oh God
10:40You're gonna push the envelope within yourself, what does that mean?
10:42I
10:52I'm gonna push the envelope the farthest here I go
11:07Maybe I can get my own
11:12King-shell
11:42Ah
11:45All right, there you go to Greg taskmaster love hearts
11:50There's actually a letter inside but it's private
11:53There you go, mate
11:55Pushed it
11:56change in bottom
12:08Show me
12:12I
12:19Well, I just hope you give her enough shit for being a smoothie girl as well she's revealed her true colors there
12:24She loves the smoothie down didn't you?
12:32Yeah, they made you turn it into a smoothie for your own safety
12:34Yes, and we should we still need to say you shouldn't eat an envelope. You also shouldn't drink an envelope
12:42I
13:06Will say I thought you did great cartwheels
13:09Thank you, and you could still be in the game because I haven't read your letter yet. Oh my god letter
13:16No one knows what you said because you said it was private I think I was having a weird week
13:28Well, it is
13:32Polite
13:36Literally says I hope you've had a good week
13:40I'm okay. Who's that? Okay. Well next up. It's a B C D Jack D
13:55There's your envelope
14:01That's a day going Jack not as dignified as I thought it would
14:09Didn't work I wasn't happy with that
14:39I
15:09Will save BAFTA some money for your in memorandum film
15:30And the sooner they play the better
15:33I
15:36Pushed the envelope it made me genuinely feel quite emotional. Yeah in total on that day. He pushed the envelope three miles. I
15:45Would have carried on with a crew caught up with me and said I had to stop
15:50About the two-mile mark the time
15:53Kept on going. Oh nice
15:56Right break time. Let's end on a high with some of Alex's impressions. It's Alex's impression hour ready?
16:03Donald Trump. Hey
16:06How are they guys?
16:08Greg Wallace you want to eat your dinner?
16:14Good evening, everyone
16:22Oh
16:35Yes, they could do pretty much anything to impress Greg with this one to extend the limits of what's possible
16:40Or you could just pace about a bit with a letter in a wheelbarrow last up. It's Bubba and Andy
16:46All right. I don't push this thing. I can make a bowl out of it. Look it's a bowl
16:52Someone get me milk and cereal. Are you talking to me? Yes
17:01Right, you little paper monstrosity, where is it you pathetic little failed origami pigeon?
17:06I wouldn't lick you if you were the last envelope on earth. Where is it? Tell me where it is
17:11How do you make sure you put the milk you look like you put the milk in first always milk first
17:16How very dare you who does that?
17:21When I talk now, I'm a slightly crumpled friend
17:33I think you should eat a little bit. Nah, my guy
17:35I don't drink cow's milk if I drink this you hear me in the toilet guy
17:44Maybe this will make you talk
17:46All right
17:48Tell me what you know, well God help me I will shred you I will shred you
17:54Last chance. I know you want to tell me talk. I
17:59Knew it I
18:01Did it I stole the life cast of Alex Horne. I shrank it and I hid it in a wooden box under a cow
18:07I knew you'd break eventually
18:16Right
18:21There is like he's been working out mystery solved I'll push that envelope good and proper
18:33Very creative genuinely disturbing
18:38Thanks. I just think this show is just revealing you to be just not the person everyone thought
18:44I thought I was from episode two episodes. You're getting more and more terrifying
18:51It's very good Andy and quite a contrast jumping from that
18:58Feeding cereal onto your stupid face from a number
19:01I just say something I pushed the envelope to its limits. I made I made it into a bowl
19:08It doesn't matter how emphatically
19:13Do you scream nice in it into the face of your young children when you're feeding them
19:29Okay, but who pushed it the least far who pushed it the furthest I feel like I'm do you feel a bit picked on today
19:35I'm I can't think how I'm gonna not put you last when you did three cartwheels
19:44So it's one to Emma Baba two points to you Baba. Hmm. Okay, I'm gonna give Rosie three points
19:59Three to Rosie I'm gonna be led by emotion and the one that moved me the most
20:03I'm gonna sleep with Jack pushing an envelope three miles. So four points to Andy five points
20:14Let's have a scoreboard. All right
20:15Well, the team of two Jack and Rosie are in joint second with seven points, but in the lead, it's Andy's also with nine points
20:26Well, we're off to a scare maze
20:43Oh
21:01Man like
21:04Hey, you look nice. Yes, bro. Come on man. Look at the outfit. I'll make this look good. I'm not gonna lie to you, bro
21:10I'm the hottest hotdog you've ever seen in your life. I agree with oh, you're still talking yet
21:14Come on, so whatever you do in this task will be worth twice the number of points for you. See you in a minute
21:30Take a bite out of Alex's carrot Alexis carrot is a euphemism. It's an actual carrot
21:37Alex will ring his bell every 10 seconds. You must laugh constantly throughout
21:50You must both only walk at a gentle pace
21:54No
22:06Fastest wins the time starts now
22:23I
22:36Actually did look quite good. I'm saying bro should have brought it instead of the trainers
22:44We're gonna start with a happy Jack and a rambling Rosie
22:53I
23:24Play oh, you know Alex, are you?
23:34That's wrong
23:53I
24:23I
24:53Alex yeah
24:58Well, I know the way out I'll see you outside goodbye
25:12Well an absolute vision of hell in many ways watching both of you go through that
25:17Dystopian nightmare made so much worse by me realizing for the first time that Rosie Jones has got daddy written across her back
25:28I
25:29Felt she was relentless. Well, she was got me in three minutes 49
25:34Jack has the best laughter carrot noise that I think we'll see tonight. He went
25:40Oh
25:42Three minutes 26 for Jack. It was a pretty Oh pretty close race just over three minutes. Mm-hmm. Lovely now
25:48It's time to get giddy with Emma City. Oh
26:09Oh
26:36That two bells
26:39Ah
26:57Swapping bells you bastards
27:10You
27:23Really infuriating that that other bloke
27:27Well the bloke no, I I'm not doing that. No
27:32Bye-bye
27:36I wish more people shut him down
27:40I'm not doing that
27:42Treat I've clearly had enough which really worries me. How long was that?
27:46It felt like a long time and I felt like you went from someone doing quite a fun comedy laugh
27:52to someone who could kill
27:57Tipping point for me was this
28:01All three of you walked 300 meters they took three minutes you took eight minutes
28:06I could have kept that going for hours. I think
28:10There was no way you were gonna catch me
28:15Because she was going too slow
28:20Okay time for another break
28:21Hopefully there will be an overseas advert that has been badly dubbed in English so the company could save money followed quickly
28:28I hope by a nuclear apocalypse
28:32It's genuinely my birthday
28:39You
28:51By the bell ends got a bell and he won't stop ringing it
28:56I suppose that's true. Just two people to go and one of them stresses a hot dog
29:00It's Andy's Osman and playing for double points. It's Babatunde Alisher
29:09I
29:11I
29:38Won right
29:41I
30:12I
30:16Have to get stuff I
30:19want
30:21Say it
30:22Say I don't want to say it, but you know, I want
30:31Did you expect that when you entered this show that you would end up chasing a man
30:35So that you could bite his carrot while stressed as a hot dog
30:39No, I didn't and did you expect to be shouting I'm the man afterwards
30:44I don't mind me saying it. He still needs to say it. I think you're the man
30:50But he wants me to say that he's the man. I don't mind you saying he's the man if you do it with conviction
30:53You the man
30:55Start contrast. I've written it down somewhere. How did Andy celebrate? Yeah. Well, he had a second bite of a carrot
31:02And do you remember what you said after you had the second bite? Well, it varies from carrot to carrot with me
31:06You said oh, yeah, that's the good stuff
31:10We know Emma was eight minutes and gets one point for that
31:14Rosie
31:15349 Jack 326 and he was two minutes 55 come second place though, because Baba did it in 35 seconds
31:27So Andy you get four points but Baba you get ten points
31:30I
31:37Am the man sure thing ding-a-ling get ready to check out my versatile new jacket
32:00Can I help no, I'm on it. I'm on a turntable. Jack. Mm-hmm spinning around
32:10You're turning around
32:18Pick the taskmasters lock it from its pocket every time you pick an incorrect pocket
32:24You must high-five Alex if you touch tamper with or peek into a pocket you must pick it
32:30for you, but it's
32:32pockets pet
32:35Wouldn't you have a maximum of 15 minutes? Your time starts now?
32:47Why are you spinning it's just the setting it's wind up
32:54I
32:59Haven't got a moment just to replay what I think might be the creepiest moment
33:09Here it is
33:24Oh
33:39Okay, so I'm thinking there's gonna be a some sort of lock it in one of those pockets, yeah
33:47You got a locket that's lipstick I put it there. Yeah
33:51What's this Chinese five-spice?
33:54Chinese five-spice, there's nothing in there is other than that
34:01Bloody raisins, okay
34:05Wow found the locket yet. No, that's a dog biscuit. Okay. What's in it? No, it's the
34:12Wow
34:17Take a lot of stuff around with you. Yeah, yeah 108 pockets can see
34:23Look up yourself
34:24No, that's that's that's something else
34:29That's my bag of yellow, yeah bag of yellow
34:35Look up yourself
34:38I don't trust sound people or makeup artists
34:44I trust some people make up eyes. Why wouldn't you shouldn't yeah, good advice. Thank you
34:50Right
34:55Maybe it no, it's a compass. It's a compass with my name on it
35:00Papa tinder. Oh, it says my name on it. Come on. There's a picture of me. Yeah
35:05Yeah, a couple of things with your names on it, that's very thoughtful
35:09My days with the stupid-ass rocket man getting on my nerves
35:13Stone with why written on it? Yeah, he's just starting to annoy me the Rockets too many of them
35:19Why have you got milk thirsty? Yeah, that's an eye. Mm-hmm, so
35:26Hey
35:28pick the locket from
35:30That's a padlock
35:35Five and a half minutes left to find this locket
35:38No a pebble so spells you right? I don't think that's got any relevance, right? Okay. Yeah, I found the other I though
35:51The locket is in your pocket the locket is in your pocket. No, it ain't I don't know lucky in my pocket
36:05Yeah, yeah, you're looking yeah, how'd you do that you David Copperfield now, are you
36:11And there's a piece of hair in there as well my own hair. That's that's okay. Well, I should treasure that
36:21These of you thought there might be a faster way of doing this just went route one
36:26Well, how are we supposed to know that there was a locket in our pocket?
36:29I realized after this because he someone took my jacket to do something and I should have yeah
36:34Trustingly I said, yeah, of course. Thank you. I thank them
36:38To know how many pockets they picked yes, please Babatunde 41 incorrect pockets Jack 70
36:47Would you like to see Rosie Jones's locket adventure, let's go Rosie Jones
37:05That one
37:07Don't trust
37:09sound people or
37:13Makeup artists. Well, you don't need to tell me
37:25Your pocket
37:28Yes, I know but I don't
37:32Don't
37:41You guys want it
38:03Oh
38:18When Rosie was told not to trust and and lighting people she said and I quote you don't need to tell me that
38:25They're all pieces of shit
38:32And you then went on to blatantly steal money from a sound man's
38:54Surely well, it's all about the number of pockets picked. Yes five of nails five her own three of mine. So 13 in total 13
39:02one
39:05Part left to go and at the end of it
39:07Someone will stroll proudly out of the studio carrying a sculpture of a cherub wearing sunglasses
39:13And a painting of a banged-up donkey. This isn't the cheese dream. We're all being paid for this
39:20We'll see you in part four
39:32A
39:36Alex has a stupid jacket on it's not stupid. Actually, you're stupid Lee attractive
39:46They have to find the locket by picking the fewest pockets possible to left its Andy and Emma, okay, I'm just gonna take a second
39:57The taskmasters locket
40:00Doesn't necessarily it's one of your pockets though. Well, they're clues in your pockets. All I do is spin round. Okay
40:07So there's bits of paper in some of these pockets by the looks of it you peeking
40:11Overviewing peeking is that's a specific pocket. I'd say all right
40:23Well some action well says a great big statue the taskmaster outside
40:29Can that count as a locket? It's not a locket and it wasn't in a pocket Andy. Okay, I think I'm gonna have to pick a pocket
40:35Excuse me
40:38So that appears to be Richard Herring on a red fish half your time gone
40:48Chinese five spice spice for me
40:51Well, I needs an alternative pocket again. How many minutes I've got left one. Oh, okay. I'll use it wisely
40:59I
41:06Found a pineapple and some string was in a pocket. Well, not yet, but I could put it in a pocket
41:14What's this my milk milk my milk your milk my milk Johnny now, but you are running out of time, sir, I see that
41:25Feels like a tampering
41:29Like I think lockets are passe. Yeah, I never liked him actually you are family. Yeah, I'm done
41:39Right, I don't want to be weird I
41:44Found this in my pocket
41:49So I've done it have I yeah, you didn't pick any incorrect pockets, yeah brilliant
41:59You
42:09Yeah, so I'm a girl that likes a clean line
42:12Yeah, so whenever I'm going out so, you know, just you want it. You don't want pox shit in your pockets, right?
42:19So I was going to just about do it and go hang on wait what?
42:25Okay
42:29That's my story it's a different story to my Andy's story
42:32Things I wrote down just to make sure I got it, right?
42:36He picked him at four or five pockets. He tried to redefine what a locket is
42:42Yeah, I went to try and find the nearest available snooker club
42:47Thinking that's maybe one of their snooker table pockets
42:51would have a
42:54Packet of lockets in it
43:00As we recorded that thinking how annoying it was and having seen back I've forgotten that I've
43:07Almost solved the first second. Yeah, that is a fuckload more annoying now
43:15We think the lock is probably still in your pocket, all right
43:18So it's zero points to Andy on that one Jack two points for you three to Baba for two Rosie, but five
43:29I think the hot dog helped Bubba's on the top with 17 points
43:38Right everyone, would you please make your way to the stage for final task of the show?
43:51Okay
43:54Gather a herd of animals with exactly
43:5822 legs, you may not harm any animals
44:02You may only use animals on either side of this wall and you may not use each other
44:10On Alex's whistle. You must hurl one of your herd over the wall
44:15When your herd has 22 legs only then may you don your tutus first team in tutus wins
44:22Each of them have six animals on their bench and that's where the herd lives
44:28You've got a flamingo with one leg a kangaroo were to a sick dog with three legs
44:33Potatus the cat with four legs a monster there with five legs and an ant with six legs
44:39You've got to throw something every 15 seconds
44:42That's when I'll blow the whistle
44:43If you don't do the math correctly within the 15 seconds and another animal comes over and you've missed the tutu opportunity it carries on
44:49Got it. Good luck. I'm gonna start the clock
44:52now
44:53Choose your animal. Choose your animals. We're going for three. Okay. Well, maybe don't say it out
45:01Pick up an animal get ready to throw you're gonna be throwing on the whistle three two one
45:07Lovely put that on the bench
45:09That's 22
45:17Task complete
45:22Wow
45:26Well, not many people would be brave enough to say it I will the show's been great that was rubbish
45:42What a glorious anticlimax
45:46Maybe one of my favorite tasks
45:49It's really made the scoreboard interesting because the team of three gets five points each for that the team of two zero
45:56And the winner is Baba with 22 points
46:06Please
46:08Brandish your badass belongings
46:15What have we learned from today's show we've learned the taskmaster
46:18It's a silly old show really but at times it has the capacity to move the haunting image of Jack D
46:26Strolling heroically into the sunset his destination unknown
46:30Pushing that envelope will forever be etched on all of our minds
46:35And let's also not forget Baba's nuts on a pillow
46:41Again tonight he's the winner
47:04You