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ash vs. evil S1 - 41 - backstage pass to reality
Transcript
00:00Whoa!
00:01Why the hell are you on this property, and where's the book you stole from my family?
00:10Easy, Nancy Drew.
00:11What the hell are you guys doing, selling tickets?
00:13She's a Nobie, and she saved us from Fisher.
00:16Well, not all of us.
00:19Okay, all right.
00:21Well number one, it's my book.
00:23Has been for 30 years.
00:24Number two, I'm on your damn property, because I'm here to save a little something I call
00:27Earth.
00:29You know what I've been doing these past 30 years?
00:32Cleaning up your messes so they don't destroy a giant thing that everyone calls the Earth.
00:36And what have you accomplished in all these years?
00:41You put a chainsaw on your stump?
00:44Congratulations.
00:45You know, it's a lot harder than it looks.
00:48Name one other person you know that has a functioning chainsaw arm.
00:51This has to stop.
00:52You've got the Necronomicon, and you need to give it to me, so where is it?
00:56None of your beeswax.
00:58Hey, we'll tell you this, though.
00:59Pretty soon, it's gonna be six feet under.
01:00Oh, you're gonna bury it?
01:01Bet you're bippy.
01:02I found that out during a drug-fueled trip.
01:05So your entire plan to save the world comes courtesy of a bonghead?
01:08No.
01:09I didn't smoke the drug, lady.
01:10I drank the drug, which gave my mind a backstage pass to reality show.
01:14I'm gonna bury it in the basement, then I can finally say to Evil, hey, Evil, why don't
01:18you eat my butt?
01:19Wonderful imagery.
01:20But it won't work if you just bury the book.
01:24That's what my vision says.
01:26Then your vision is stupid.
01:27Yeah, you're right.
01:28It is kind of stupid.
01:30Almost as stupid as your stupid face.
01:36Do you say one more dumb thing?
01:38I'm gonna say a lot of dumb things.
01:43That didn't work.
01:45Okay, okay, kids.
01:46Break it up.
01:47All right?
01:48Just everyone take a deep breath, okay?
01:50Look, if the book is just buried like before, then some other fool like you can come along
01:56and use it.
01:57For the Necronomicon to be laid to rest, it has to be dismantled.
02:01Destroyed.
02:02Impossible.
02:03Tried it.
02:04With what?
02:05Your pea shooter and your power saw?
02:08Don't talk bad about Mo and Larry here.
02:10They've served me very well over the years.
02:12Sure.
02:13They can kill the body that Evil inhabits, but that spirit just keeps coming back, doesn't
02:17it?
02:19Maybe.
02:20Yeah.
02:21You see, the book and the evil that surrounds it really aren't affected by such things.
02:25Now, you gotta use it.
02:28The Kandarian dagger.
02:29I know what that is.
02:30Yeah, so why don't you show me the book, and we'll finally end this.
02:36I gotta talk to my peeps.
02:41All right, guys.
02:42What do you think?
02:43Okay, well, she did save our lives, and I think she smells kind of nice.
02:47Although, I haven't showered in a really long time, so I'm probably not the best judge.
02:51I don't know.
02:52I mean, if I've learned anything from you, Ash, it's that if something seems too good
02:56to be true, it probably is.
02:59And also, she doesn't smell that nice.
03:01Man, making decisions is so hard.
03:03Let's look on the bright side.
03:05We balls deep in this shit.
03:07There's nowhere to go but up.
03:09Yeah, up shit's creek.
03:11Without a paddle.

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