I Can't Divorce My Beautiful Wife HD ( Comedy, Romance )
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00:00All righty, two matzo balls, just like you like it.
00:07Always taking care of me, you.
00:10Hey, anything for my most beautiful customer, huh?
00:12I left you a nice tip today.
00:16Oh, Leo, you don't have to do that.
00:18Thank you so much.
00:20My pleasure.
00:21See you later, buddy.
00:27Excuse me.
00:31You know, aluminum is not good for you.
00:33Waiter?
00:34Hey, excuse me, buddy.
00:35Is there something wrong with my fork?
00:38No, just your stock choice's future.
00:40Oh, well, your future involves topping off a coffee, OK?
00:45And then aluminum's stable.
00:46There's just no growth potential in it.
00:48Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second.
00:50Hold on, hold on.
00:50Back it up.
00:52Unbelievable.
00:53That is exactly what my consultant said last night.
00:55And I bet he charged you more than the $6.95 lunch
00:57special for that.
00:59Yeah, he did.
01:03OK, so say you were her.
01:06Who would you bet on?
01:08I would go with that one.
01:16You're kidding, right?
01:17And that's nickel stuff.
01:18Simitech's about to shake hands with them next week.
01:20That means by Friday, those nickels
01:21are going to be worth millions.
01:23Wow.
01:24That's impressive.
01:26I ain't seen nothing yet.
01:27Mike, that little 57 is yours.
01:28I ain't seen nothing yet either.
01:29Go.
01:30Wait, wait, wait.
01:31Hold on a second.
01:32So what are you doing later tonight?
01:36Maybe you want to show me something I haven't seen yet.
01:39Wow, OK.
01:42I think I will be at home with my girlfriend.
01:47I'm very jealous, very.
01:49Hey, waiter dude.
01:50Yeah, Casanova.
01:52It's Mike.
01:52Mike.
01:53Mike Christian, and he's very religious.
01:55Yeah, well, I'd pray to that.
01:58I'm very busy.
01:59OK, still waiters.
02:00Go, go, go.
02:01Wait, Mike.
02:02This is ridiculous.
02:04Sir, I apologize.
02:06No, I'm sorry.
02:09He's just a trainee.
02:10Please, let me take your order.
02:12Gentlemen.
02:13A trainee, really?
02:15Wow.
02:17You know what?
02:18I don't feel so good.
02:19I think I got to go.
02:20If you dare take that tie off, you're
02:21fired, OK, keep it on, and clean the table.
02:24What seems to be the problem?
02:26He wants to get fired.
02:27Mr. Lipnick, he's already chased out
02:29four of our regular customers.
02:30I know, four coffee only customers.
02:34Those people have been hogging that table every day
02:37now for a week.
02:39I wonder who had the balls to throw them out.
02:42Good business sense, Michael.
02:43You're my man.
02:47Come here, let's talk.
02:48Michael, my granddaughter Delilah's at a conference
02:52at University Hall.
02:53Do you think you could pick her up for us?
02:56Absolutely.
03:01Although it's rare, at the turn of the last century,
03:05the divorce rate grew for a number of justifiable reasons.
03:09People are alcoholics, drug addicts,
03:12physically abusive to their spouse or children.
03:15These are situations where separation
03:17is often best for all involved.
03:20But divorce and its acceptance have changed with the times.
03:27On their wedding day, couples often
03:29still say, till death do us part.
03:33But after time passes, initial traction often fades.
03:38The perfect spouse all of a sudden
03:41is a normal person with human flaws,
03:45recurring arguments, attraction to a co-worker,
03:48or simple boredom can lead to irreconcilable differences.
03:54Divorce is a lazy way out.
03:58Divorce is a shortcut solution.
04:01Wake up, Grandma.
04:02It's the 21st century.
04:04That's the way it goes.
04:07What about children?
04:09Doesn't our future depend on them?
04:12Divorce can have a devastating effect on a child
04:14as my case studies attest.
04:17I can also personally attest to this
04:20because I come from a broken family.
04:24I was raised by my grandparents.
04:26And not that they didn't take care of me, because they did.
04:29But I so wish that my parents were there, too.
04:33And your solution?
04:41Take it seriously.
04:43Marriage is work.
04:45Marriage is for life.
04:47If you are willing to make the commitment,
04:49you have to be prepared to go the distance.
04:51Excuse me.
04:52Um, did you major in sociology, or did you major in fantasy?
05:00You make it sound like a jail sentence without the parole.
05:06Well, buddy, no need to worry.
05:08From the looks of it, the only lifelong commitment
05:10you'll have is with your right hand.
05:17Shit.
05:21That's, uh, that's it.
05:24That's all.
05:26Thank God.
05:37Honey, slow down.
05:39I worked my butt off for three years on that thesis.
05:41I interviewed hundreds of couples.
05:44And all it takes is a couple of idiots in the audience
05:46to make it all seem like a joke.
05:48And you seem to have no opinion about it.
05:51Well, if it's one thing I've learned from you,
05:52it's when to keep my mouth shut.
05:55OK, then.
05:56Fine, let's, let's be honest.
05:59I can handle it.
06:02Tell me the truth.
06:04Truth?
06:05Yeah.
06:08Well, I think some of those guys
06:10had some pretty valid points.
06:18Why don't you just admit it?
06:19You don't respect my academic research.
06:26No, it's just thousands of theses
06:28sitting in the library gathering dust.
06:30You know, they change nothing.
06:31The world goes on as if they were never even written.
06:34Oh, yeah.
06:35Out of those thousands, one of those papers
06:38had the formula for electricity on it.
06:41Did?
06:42So how do you know that mine won't be that one, huh?
06:44I mean, if it could just change one mind,
06:46it would all be worth it.
06:49Why am I wasting my time talking to you?
06:50I mean, what would a college dropout
06:52care about this stuff anyway?
06:53Hey, I am a proud dropout, OK?
06:55College is a waste of time.
06:57Four, five, six years of endless side roads
07:01and pointless detours.
07:03My theory for life is simple.
07:05Shortcuts.
07:07Shortcuts.
07:21You know what?
07:22This has been too much academic debate for one day.
07:25I'm sorry, Mike, OK?
07:26I've just had a really rough day.
07:32How about some margaritas at the deck bar?
07:34And then how about a massage by the expert
07:40hands of the Kansas City farm boy?
07:46If the client is not completely satisfied,
07:47she can return the massage to the massager.
07:51Thank god.
07:56Hey, babe.
07:57Hi, honey.
07:58How are you?
08:00Ah, tired.
08:01Hmm.
08:02Hi.
08:04Hi.
08:05Look what I brought you.
08:06Oh, you're sweet.
08:07But I'm so icky from the restaurant.
08:09I'm just, I really want to go in to take a shower.
08:10Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
08:12What's the rush, huh?
08:15It was a gorgeous evening, huh?
08:18It's LA.
08:19They're all gorgeous evenings.
08:21Yeah, but this is especially a romantic evening, isn't it?
08:27It's clear.
08:28Not so much, because we're right by the dumpster.
08:31And the trash guy forgot to stop on our street again.
08:33So, listen.
08:34I'm going to go in.
08:35I'm going to take a shower.
08:36And then maybe I can muster a little romance for you.
08:38Well, hold on.
08:39What's the rush?
08:40I gotta go.
08:41Gross.
08:42Ah!
08:43Ah!
08:44Oh!
08:45Ah!
08:46Ah!
08:47Ah!
08:48Ah!
08:49Ah!
08:50Ah!
08:51Ah!
08:52Ah!
08:53Ah!
08:54Ah!
08:55Ah!
08:56Ah!
08:57Ah!
08:58Ah!
08:59Ah!
09:00Dude, you don't have to leave, all right?
09:02You just can't put me on watchdog anymore, all right?
09:05Yeah.
09:06I mean, you are more than welcome to stay with us whenever you want.
09:10You and Scotty have known each other since birth.
09:12I only barged into your lives about a year ago.
09:14Barging in on me was not cool.
09:17I know.
09:19I'm sorry.
09:20But, you know, you can't barge in and expect to become one of them in six months, either.
09:24One of them?
09:25Them?
09:26What does that even mean?
09:27Really?
09:28Dylan and I are in love, okay?
09:30Why are you guys so worried about this now?
09:32Dude, she's the one who got you the litany job, remember?
09:35She just doesn't want to get fired when the Christian shit hits the Jewish fan.
09:39No.
09:40No, I'm not worried about that.
09:41I am a phenomenal waitress.
09:42But I am worried about you.
09:44I mean, if you're really considering marrying Dylan, I just might think again.
09:50Her grandparents are very old school.
09:52I mean, they are super, super religious.
09:54So?
09:55My parents are super religious.
09:57They don't care if I marry a Jewish girl.
09:59Mike, are you sure?
10:00Huh?
10:01Because growing up in Puncton, Kansas, I doubt anybody could tell Jewish from Amish.
10:05Remember facial hair?
10:06You had facial hair, you were an alien from outer space.
10:08True story.
10:09Scotty, you can't change my mind on this, okay?
10:11She's...
10:14She's just made for me.
10:16She's made for you.
10:17Hey, man, um, what happened to the Mike I used to know, huh?
10:20The one who would only take the richest dude's daughter to the prom?
10:23Where's he at?
10:24Can I see him?
10:25Yeah.
10:26What happened to the stockbroker?
10:27Who wouldn't even take a woman out to coffee without looking at her profile first?
10:30Ah.
10:31Hmm?
10:33He grew up.
10:34He fell in love.
10:35Besides, do not underestimate the potential of this restaurant.
10:39We are really close to franchising this.
10:41Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.
10:43See, I thought Amigo was Nueva Señorita, not the restaurante.
10:48Amigo, Nueva Señorita, not the restaurante.
10:53Amigo, Nueva Señorita, not the restaurante.
10:59Scotty, don't be a schmuck.
11:02Besides, I'm thinking about Paul and Elaine in this whole thing.
11:05I mean, how can they say no to a guy who is about to revolutionize their family business?
11:10Family business?
11:12You would have to die and be reborn Jewish for them to consider you family.
11:17Oy, please!
11:18I could be as Jewish as they wanted me to be.
11:23Just wait until you see Jeremy.
11:26Who?
11:27Who?
11:28The bicycle guy?
11:29Yeah!
11:30The Lipnicks totally drool over him.
11:31Okay, he's straight out of freakin' Fiddler on the Roof.
11:33And now that he's back in town, they're gonna try to set Dylan up with him.
11:37Just wait and see.
11:53Sweetheart, we need to buy more sugar packets.
11:55I know, we're running out of baked apples.
11:57Oh, I thought we had so many.
11:59No, we don't.
12:00What about the halva?
12:01A chocolate-covered halva.
12:02Oh, I love it.
12:06Oh, I'm sorry.
12:07We're actually not open yet.
12:08Oh, I'm not a customer.
12:09I'm family.
12:12Would you mind telling me who you're related to?
12:13Look who's here!
12:14Jeremy!
12:16Papa!
12:17Jeremy!
12:18It's long!
12:19Papa Paul!
12:21Love you, Elaine!
12:22Good to see you.
12:23Good to see you.
12:24I brought you these to congratulate you on Delilah's graduation.
12:27How nice of you to remember.
12:29Where is our beautiful Delilah?
12:31She's not here now, but you are.
12:33Join us for lunch.
12:34Oh, we have some delicious food here.
12:36There is nothing I would love more than Grandma's delicious tongue on rye.
12:43But unfortunately, I have to run.
12:45I'll be back later, though, to pick up Delilah.
12:47She doesn't know it yet.
12:48But I got her tickets to see the symphony at the Hollywood Bowl.
12:52Wonderful!
12:53Fabulous!
12:54Michael, would you put these lovely flowers in some water, please?
12:59He's our new assistant manager.
13:02Hi.
13:03Mike.
13:04Mike Christian.
13:05Jeremy.
13:06Jeremy Jew.
13:10Christian is my real last name, actually.
13:12Yeah, well, Jew's mine, too.
13:14And if you believe that, I got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd love to sell you.
13:18God, yeah.
13:20Dylan's at the dentist right now.
13:21And actually, I think she has plans later.
13:23Really?
13:24I thought you were the assistant manager.
13:25What, are you her personal secretary, too?
13:32No, I'm her boyfriend.
13:34What?
13:35What did you say?
13:37Paul.
13:38Elaine.
13:39I didn't want you guys to find out like this.
13:41I mean, you guys have taken me in, and you treated me like family.
13:44But I guess now is as good a time as any.
13:48I'm in love with your granddaughter.
13:51In love?
13:52Oh, making a huggin' van!
13:55You're fired!
13:56Get out!
13:57Paul, let me explain.
13:58Out!
13:59We don't want to see you.
14:00Go, go!
14:01What's going on?
14:05Um, there's just one question I need to ask you before I leave.
14:12Dylan Lipnick, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
14:15I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
14:18Will you marry me?
14:20No!
14:21No!
14:22No!
14:23No!
14:24I'm serious.
14:25I'm committed.
14:26I need your answer.
14:28Yes or no?
14:35Oh, my God.
14:37Yes!
14:38Yes!
14:39Are you serious?
14:40Oh, but no!
14:41This is a sham!
14:44Those flowers Jeremy brought for you.
14:46Then that's what the invites will say.
14:48Flowers by Jeremy.
14:49Jeremy Jew.
14:52You know what?
14:53Jeremy was even kind enough to buy concert tickets.
14:57Yes!
14:59For us.
15:00No!
15:02No?
15:04Yes.
15:05Delilah.
15:07I want to see you in my booth right now.
15:08Come on.
15:10What?
15:14Come on.
15:31You've known this man for only a few months,
15:33and now you're ready to marry him?
15:35What do you know about him?
15:38I know he's a good man
15:40with a brilliant head on his shoulders.
15:44He's a self-directed man with ambition and dreams.
15:51And he loves me to bits, Grandma.
15:54What more can I ask for?
15:58Jeremy waited years for you to finish school.
16:03At least you could have given it a try, gone out with him, something.
16:07He's not my type, Grandma.
16:09He's too...
16:11Too what?
16:13I don't know.
16:14He's too...
16:15Jewish?
16:16Too Jewish?
16:18Like all those worthless people in our family?
16:20Like all the generations who suffered so you could have a better life?
16:23Like us, I suppose?
16:29Come here, sweetheart.
16:31Listen to me.
16:33I have never seen your grandpa this hurt.
16:37Please, just let it go for a while.
16:40Let it be.
16:42Bye.
17:07They've given up so much to give me a better life.
17:12And what do I do in return?
17:16I crush them.
17:17Okay.
17:31Okay, so...
17:33I want to go through an authentic conversion.
17:36One that follows the most ancient of rituals.
17:42You do understand the Tisubikai circumcision, Dad?
17:45Yes, I do.
17:47And you're kidding me, right?
17:48It's a joke.
17:50Oh, I get it.
17:52This is an episode of a reality show, and I'm in it.
17:55And I bet you my agent set it up.
17:56Max!
17:57Max, where are you, you little rat?
17:59Max?
18:01No?
18:02No.
18:04You're serious?
18:07All right, I have to explain what it is.
18:10We don't have to take off the whole Megillah.
18:12We gotta make a cut.
18:13But there's gonna be some blood.
18:15There's gonna be a scalpel.
18:17There's gonna be an owie on your pee-pee.
18:19All right?
18:20I got a question to ask you.
18:21On a scale of one to ten,
18:24how much pain can you take it?
18:268.5.
18:27No, no, no, no, no.
18:29Not 8.5.
18:30I'm...
18:31I'm more of like a 2.1 kind of guy.
18:34You said you were in love.
18:39And this is your best friend, yeah?
18:428.5.
18:45Okay.
18:46For love.
18:488.5.
18:498.5.
18:50Drink to that.
18:53Under strict rabbinical law,
18:55I have to tell you,
18:56you gotta ask me three times,
18:57or I can't do it.
18:58Please?
18:59No.
19:00Please?
19:01No.
19:02Please?
19:03Okay, that's all right.
19:04We're gonna do it.
19:05It's all right.
19:06And I'm gonna sing to you
19:07like a father would sing
19:08to his little Jewish boy.
19:09Lose in a kiss with mandolin
19:14Schlaf, mein liederle Schlaf
19:21Wow.
19:22I feel Jewish already.
19:24Oh, look!
19:25My foreskin just fell off.
19:26Oh, you're lucky.
19:27No, it didn't.
19:28You still have to cut it off.
19:29I'm not Jewish.
19:30A little bit.
19:31Oh.
19:33Welcome, welcome, my dear friends.
19:36Good afternoon.
19:37Today we're going to have a ceremony
19:39which you will never forget
19:40the rest of your life, I assure you.
19:42We have a young man
19:44outside of our shul
19:45but with a great deal of love in his heart
19:47who has come here today
19:49to express his love and admiration
19:51for our religion.
19:52He wants to be converted
19:54in the most traditional way
19:56in the most traditional way
19:58to a Jewish family,
20:00in the most traditional way
20:02with our oldest ritual,
20:04the bris.
20:14Rabbi.
20:20Are you comfortable?