On the Buses S01E06 The canteen
Original air date - (4 April 1969)
The busmen run the canteen for themselves after they're dissatisfied by the way the management has run it. Shop steward Jack puts Stan in charge of the canteen. Stan has to find a cook and gives the job to Mrs Sharma, his colleague's wife, after telling Stan that she had previously worked as a cook in a bus depot. The next day, Stan realises that Mrs Sharma can't speak English and previously worked for an Indian bus depot, not an English bus depot. The Indian food she gives the busmen isn't the food they want and upsets their stomachs, so Stan fires Mrs Sharma and gives the job to Olive, who is helped by Mum. However, they are unable to cook anything, with Mum unable to use the electric stove which results in her scorching the bottom off the pan and Olive accidentally putting the fish in the deep freeze, so Stan goes to a local fish and chip shop and buys the food for the busmen there. The management take control of the canteen again after the canteen has lost more money than ever before as a result of Stan's actions
Original air date - (4 April 1969)
The busmen run the canteen for themselves after they're dissatisfied by the way the management has run it. Shop steward Jack puts Stan in charge of the canteen. Stan has to find a cook and gives the job to Mrs Sharma, his colleague's wife, after telling Stan that she had previously worked as a cook in a bus depot. The next day, Stan realises that Mrs Sharma can't speak English and previously worked for an Indian bus depot, not an English bus depot. The Indian food she gives the busmen isn't the food they want and upsets their stomachs, so Stan fires Mrs Sharma and gives the job to Olive, who is helped by Mum. However, they are unable to cook anything, with Mum unable to use the electric stove which results in her scorching the bottom off the pan and Olive accidentally putting the fish in the deep freeze, so Stan goes to a local fish and chip shop and buys the food for the busmen there. The management take control of the canteen again after the canteen has lost more money than ever before as a result of Stan's actions
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CreativityTranscript
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00:30As the newly elected representative of you, the Social Club Committee,
00:35I have great pleasure in informing you that the management have agreed to let us run the canteen ourselves.
00:40As the idea, whilst brother stands here,
00:45I would like to nominate him to be first chairman and treasurer of the canteen subcommittee.
00:50Will somebody propose him?
00:52I propose him.
00:53I second him.
00:54Well done.
00:56Yes, well if you feel that way about it, fellas.
00:58And as chairman, brother stands first duty will be to engage a decent, skilled, qualified cook.
01:04Well done.
01:06Wait a minute.
01:07Where am I going to get a cook from?
01:08Well, you're the chairman, mate.
01:10Don't worry, we'll all help you.
01:11We'll all stand behind you.
01:13Good blimey, is that the time? I must get off home.
01:16Now, about the cook, you see.
01:18Fellas, is there any...
01:20Yes, of course.
01:22Cheer up.
01:23Hey, Stan.
01:24What?
01:25If you want a good cook, my wife needs a job.
01:27Your missus?
01:29She can cook for a canteen?
01:31Oh, yes, indeed.
01:32She has worked in a canteen for two years.
01:35Has she?
01:36I'll give her a try, yeah.
01:38Here, wait a minute.
01:39You sure she'll know what the blokes will want?
01:41Goodness gracious me.
01:43She's cooked for both men before, you know.
01:45Has she?
01:47That's it.
01:48She's on.
01:49I'll tell her what.
01:50Tell her she can start first thing tomorrow morning.
01:51Good old charmer, mate.
01:53Go on.
01:54Yeah.
02:03Hiya, fellas.
02:04Hey.
02:05What's the grub like then, Bert?
02:07What's the grub like?
02:09You can't even...
02:10What are you just playing at?
02:12What grub?
02:18Jack, what's up, mate?
02:20What's wrong?
02:21What's the matter with the cook?
02:22What's wrong with her?
02:23See for yourself.
02:29Hello, missus charmer.
02:31I am Stan Butler, and I am chairman of the canteen committee.
02:40What's she talking about?
02:42You're flogging a dead horse, mate.
02:44She doesn't speak a word of English.
02:46You must be joking.
02:48I can't understand it.
02:49Her old man charmer's worked in this garage for two years.
02:52He's just sent for her.
02:53She's been here two days.
02:57He told me she'd worked in the canteen for Bassman before.
03:00I don't know what he's talking about.
03:02He's just sent for her.
03:03She's been here two days.
03:05He told me she'd worked in the canteen for Bassman before.
03:08Oh, yes, yes, she did.
03:09On the Bombay buses.
03:13Well, if she don't speak English, I'll just point to a saucepan,
03:16and when I get it, I'll know what it is.
03:17Yeah, I've got it.
03:18I still don't know what it is.
03:20Here, smell that.
03:21Gandhi's Revenge.
03:27Very nice curry.
03:28You like it?
03:29I don't know.
03:30I've never had it.
03:33I'll go and find out.
03:34Missus charmer.
03:35Cheers.
03:36Cheers.
03:42That's it.
03:43That's it.
03:44Now, you've fixed it.
03:45Now, let's see you eat it.
03:46Come on, let's eat.
03:49What's the matter with you?
03:50Get it down.
03:51You try it.
03:52You like it.
03:53Go on, eat it.
03:54Come on, come on.
03:55Of course I'll eat it.
03:56Eat it, then.
03:57Come on, then.
03:58Oh, blimey.
03:59Don't forget this.
04:00Now, then.
04:06Well, go on, then.
04:09Eat it, then.
04:10Go on.
04:15Get up my knee, champ.
04:16I did, yeah.
04:17It's all right.
04:18It's lovely.
04:22Take your eyes water a bit.
04:23Yeah.
04:25No, it's all right.
04:26It's all right.
04:27You've got to get used to it, though.
04:28That's all, isn't it, Jack?
04:29Ain't you?
04:30Oh, yeah, yes.
04:31Lovely.
04:32Now, come on.
04:33Come on.
04:34Come on.
04:36Come on, you two.
04:37Get that crab down and get out.
04:38Come on.
04:39You'll do it in seven minutes.
04:40Yes.
04:41Ben, I can't eat no more of that.
04:42Put up a good show.
04:43Put up a good show.
04:44It's lovely, isn't it?
04:45Lovely.
04:46We've got a new cook here today.
04:47Yeah.
04:48What's the crab like?
04:49All right?
04:50Oh, lovely.
04:51Lovely.
04:52Lovely.
04:53Oh, curry, eh?
04:54Oh, you like it, don't you?
04:55I was five years out in India.
04:56They sent me out there during the war, you know.
04:58They needed men like me.
04:59They wanted to show the Indians what it'd be like if Hitler came.
05:06I got a medal for what I did.
05:08Did you?
05:09What was it?
05:10The Iron Cross?
05:12It's wicked.
05:15At least I can speak the language.
05:18Namaste.
05:19Namaste.
05:20Oh, blimey.
05:21She's praying to it.
05:22Now, what's that?
05:23She thinks she's the immigration officer.
05:26She's greeting me.
05:28Oh, I've got it.
05:29No, it's the moustache.
05:30She thinks you're Enoch Powell.
05:32How are you?
05:33How are you, sir?
05:34I'm fine.
05:36What's your name?
05:37Mata Balji.
05:38Mata Balji?
05:40Mata Balji?
05:42What's your name?
05:45What's your name?
05:47Mata Balji.
05:51What's your name, sir?
05:52All right, all right.
05:54What's your name?
05:56What's your name?
05:57All right.
05:58Mata Balji.
06:02Mata Balji.
06:05You're very Pasankahai.
06:10What's all them little bowls?
06:12Oh, they're pickles, mate.
06:13You always have a bit of pickles.
06:14Never have it on its own.
06:15Blimey, this couldn't be any worse anyway.
06:17Let's have a go at the pickles, mate.
06:21Now that, Jack, that's it.
06:23Now that, I'm...
06:28Go on.
06:31Oh!
06:33What's the matter, mate?
06:34Is it hot?
06:35Hot? No.
06:36No, it's melting me fillings.
06:39You can't take it, can you?
06:41Of course you can.
06:42Just a shot for a minute or so.
06:43Of course I can take it.
06:44We're used to this stuff, aren't we, Jack?
06:56Not a bad curry, was it?
06:59Might have been a bit hotter, though, mind you.
07:07So good, I'll go...
07:08I'll go have a drop more water.
07:13It's no good.
07:14It's coming out fast and it's going in.
07:19Oh, I'll give anything for a cup of cha.
07:21Cha?
07:23I thought you said she couldn't speak English.
07:25You moronic twit.
07:28Cha is Indian for tea.
07:31Well, I don't care what it is, as long as it's a cup of cha, that's all I know.
07:34Thank you very much, Mrs...
07:35Oh, we're at that light again, thank you.
07:43Oh!
07:52Oh, it's bitter! It's bitter! It's bitter!
07:55I saw her putting the sugar in.
08:02I forgot to tell you.
08:04It's salt.
08:09They drink it like that, aren't they?
08:13Anything else you've forgotten to tell us?
08:15Yes, you're due out. Come on.
08:16Get in that bus. Come on.
08:18Number 11.
08:19I want you out the depot right away.
08:21All right.
08:22Excuse me, that way.
09:52How do you feel, mate?
09:53Oh, that might have barged in.
09:55Oh, I'm bilious here.
09:57I've got spots before the eyes.
09:59What's the matter with you?
10:00Has he been drinking, has he?
10:01No.
10:02They've cut it upsetting.
10:04Oh, yeah.
10:05Well, it is an acquired taste, you know.
10:08Yeah, I've acquired it and I can't get rid of it.
10:12Oh, er...
10:13I thought I ought to tell you.
10:15I've got to tell you.
10:16I've got to tell you.
10:17I've got to tell you.
10:18I've got to tell you.
10:19I thought I ought to tell you.
10:21Some of your mates are waiting up in the canteen for you.
10:24Looks like a lynching party.
10:28This sense of humour is rapidly losing its magic for me.
10:31Come on, let's go, mate.
10:46You wouldn't believe it, would you?
10:48No, we were just coming in, Bert.
10:50Me and the boys will have a word with you.
10:54What's the matter, Bert?
10:55Well, we've had a...
10:57Right, boys?
10:58Yeah.
10:59Now, we've decided that you've got to get a new cook for tomorrow.
11:03Cheers.
11:04But what about Mrs Sharma?
11:06Mrs Sharma?
11:07I'm joking.
11:08We've told her that she's not quite right with the job, see,
11:11so we sacked her on your behalf.
11:13That's right.
11:14What?
11:15Yeah, all we want is a cook the same as the old management used to have.
11:19But you said they used to cook a lot of rubbish.
11:22Yeah, but it used to be a load of British rubbish.
11:24Come on, let's go.
11:29They never know what they want.
11:31Where am I going to get another cook from?
11:33I don't think you've quite got rid of the first one, mate.
11:37Oh, hello.
11:38I'm sorry, mate.
11:39My wife wasn't suitable.
11:41Yeah, I'm sorry, Sharma.
11:42Can I have her wages, please?
11:44Of course you can.
11:45Now, let's see.
11:46We agreed on seven bob an hour.
11:48Six an hour is about two pound two.
11:50What have we got till, Jack?
11:51Ten and four.
11:53As treasurer, you'll have to make up the other one pound, eleven and eight
11:56out of your own pocket till we're in profit.
11:58Aye?
11:59Blimey.
12:00Oh, no.
12:01Oh, no.
12:02She was dismissed.
12:03She should have one week's wages.
12:04Oh, yes.
12:05Yes, it's quite right, you know.
12:06Yes.
12:07As shop steward, I must uphold that.
12:08We can't have no discrimination.
12:10You'll have to pay her one week's wages in lieu.
12:12And note this.
12:13That'll be a total of eleven pound eight and thrums.
12:15Eleven pound eight and thrums?
12:16It's all right.
12:17You'll get it back when I count these in profit.
12:19Yeah, but blimey, this is all mine.
12:21And the national insurance is ten.
12:23Oh, yeah.
12:24Well, you might as well let him buy that.
12:25That's another fifteen and seven.
12:26That'll be a total of twelve pound three and temperance.
12:29Twelve pound three and temperance?
12:31Hang on, hang on.
12:32I wonder if she's entitled to severance pay.
12:34Shut up, you mug.
12:36She'll be wanting her holiday money next.
12:39All right.
12:40What did you say it was?
12:41Twenty ten.
12:42Twelve three.
12:43Twenty twelve three.
12:44And that bit there.
12:45There you are, Mrs Sharma.
12:46Twelve pound three and temperance.
12:47England is a wonderful country.
12:49You can say that again.
12:54Twelve pound three and ten for a plate of curry.
12:58Blimey, that's the dearest plate of curry I'll ever have, I'll tell you.
13:01You better start saving up for the next cook then, haven't you?
13:04Shut up.
13:05I'm going to have some more water.
13:09Now I know why they have so many droughts in India.
13:18Stan, are you sure you won't have any dinner?
13:21This Irish stew of olives is lovely.
13:24Blimey, Mum, don't make it worse.
13:27I've got enough trouble as it is trying to find a new cook for the canteen tomorrow.
13:31Yeah, well I still don't know why you can't put the job olives way.
13:34I said I've got enough trouble as it is.
13:37Blimey, those fellas kicked up enough fuss about that curry.
13:40Yeah, well she wouldn't make curry, would she?
13:43The way she cooks, they might wish she had.
13:46Don't be so rude.
13:47I didn't mean it that way, love, but you'd have to cook for sixty busmen.
13:51Sixty men?
13:52Sixty? Ooh, they might start taking liberties with her.
13:56I don't think she'll have that problem.
14:01They've got too much respect for her.
14:03Yeah, I suppose you could say that.
14:06Anyway, she'll be bringing home quite a tidy pay packet,
14:09and there's twelve free meals a week thrown in.
14:12Oh, yeah, and the way she cooks, it'll be about thruppence, mate.
14:14Oh, no, olive can cook all right.
14:16Oh, cut off it, Mum.
14:17The last time she made an Irish stew, she put a cough mixture in it.
14:21I thought it was gravy browning.
14:24It wasn't her fault. Her glasses got steamed up.
14:27She shouldn't have bent over the saucepan.
14:29She had her reading glasses on. She couldn't see the steam.
14:33It was awful. I don't know how we ate it.
14:35Oh, well, it may not have been tasty, but at least it was healthy.
14:39Look, mate, Olive may not be the greatest cook in the world,
14:43but what she makes is good enough for a lot of scruffy busmen.
14:46Now, look here, mate, those fellas can tell good gruff from bad.
14:49What? Some of your mates can't tell the difference between a knife and a fork.
14:53Now, look, Olive can make all sorts of tasty dishes if she wants to.
14:56She always watches Fanny Craddock.
14:59She watches Doctor Kildare, but I wouldn't let her take me appendix out.
15:04No, no, I don't think she'd do that, you know.
15:07No, she might have her wrong glasses on.
15:10Now, let's stop all this arguing.
15:12All right, all right, all right.
15:13You give Olive the job.
15:15Mum, she wouldn't be able to manage on her own.
15:17Oh, all right, I'll give her hand.
15:23Oh, yes, Mum. Now, what an idea. Ah, good old Mum, now then.
15:27That's the two of you. Yes, you could manage, yes.
15:29All right, I'll help you with the lunches.
15:31Right-o, Olive, you start tomorrow morning at six o'clock.
15:34You get the first teas out for the busmen.
15:36Six o'clock? Oh, Arthur, do you hear that?
15:39It's hardly worth me going to bed.
15:42Oh, right, you are.
15:48Hello, lads, hello.
15:51Bert, what's the grub like today, eh?
15:54It's not even ready yet.
15:56Now, look, get your bloomin' cook to get a-movin'.
15:58We'll do it.
16:00All right, all right.
16:02Hang on, hang on a minute, hang on.
16:04Hey, hey, why ain't it ready?
16:06You didn't tell me it was an electric stove.
16:08What's wrong with it?
16:09Olive, it's 20 minutes trying to light it.
16:11Of course.
16:13Olive, what are you doing cutting the chips by hand?
16:15There's a lovely chipping machine there.
16:17It's lovely and sharp.
16:18Oh, no.
16:20Oh, don't tell me you caught a finger
16:22out of both fingers in the chipping machine together.
16:24No, she nicked her thumb
16:26when she was cutting the bandage for her finger.
16:28Oh.
16:29Anyway, what have we got for lunch?
16:30Well, we've got fish and chips, pudding and custard.
16:33That's good. Is it ready?
16:34No, I'm afraid not.
16:36I can't get this here.
16:37It's tough to melt.
16:39You know, it's the worst of these electric stoves.
16:41They won't eat up.
16:42It's been two hours on here.
16:44Well, it's a funny smell, that's all I can say.
16:46Let's have a look at it.
16:47Here's a minute.
16:48Come on, my mum, let's have a look,
16:50see what you've done.
16:51Where's the knob?
16:52Oh.
16:53Blimey, Mum, you got it on the wrong one.
16:55Oh, well, no wonder it hasn't melted the fat.
16:58No, but it's melted the sauce below it.
17:01Oh, yes, well, that was the funny smell, wasn't it?
17:04Oi, Lightning, what about some grub?
17:07Now, now, keep calm, Bert, keep calm, mate.
17:09Now, keep calm.
17:10All right, let's have a look.
17:11Fresh, all right, that's all right.
17:12Now, see what you've done.
17:13Where's the fish? Come on, where's the fish?
17:15I'll put it in the fridge.
17:16Right, right.
17:17No, not that one, that one there.
17:19You idiot, that's the deep freeze.
17:21It's all right, they're all cold.
17:26They're not half bad, look at that.
17:28I'd have to put them under the hot tap and thaw it out.
17:30Oh, dear.
17:31Well, it's all very well,
17:32I could have caught it half cold too, wouldn't it?
17:36Oh, that'll ruin the flavour,
17:37it won't taste like fish.
17:40It doesn't matter.
17:41As long as it smells like fish, they'll be happy.
17:43Well, some of these fillets are melting out.
17:47That one ain't, no.
17:48Look at that, a fish lolly.
17:51These are all right.
17:52Hey, Olive!
17:53Get the taters ready,
17:54I'll batter these fillets up.
18:09Oh, what's the matter now?
18:11This is not batter, it's custard.
18:15Don't you know batter when you see it?
18:17Not olives, I don't.
18:18Oh, blimey, I can't serve it up like this.
18:20Do you think they'll notice?
18:23Even busmen won't eat cod with fried custard.
18:27Hey, Stan, what's the whole lot doing?
18:28The lads are getting very restless, you know,
18:30they want a grub.
18:31We've got to take the buses home.
18:32All right, all right.
18:33Keep your ear on, mate,
18:34I just want to get this custard off this fish.
18:39Mum?
18:40Is the fat melting in that pan?
18:42No, no, it won't, it won't melt.
18:44Well, put it on the quick ring,
18:45the one that the saucepan was on.
18:46Oh, yes, all right.
18:48Oh, I've always got a lot of metal on this here.
18:50Well, don't pick it up out of the net.
18:51Well, look at this, all covered in metal.
18:52Stop picking it up out of the net.
18:57That's it now, isn't it?
18:58That's done it, isn't it?
18:59You've blown a fuse.
19:00I never touched a fuse,
19:01I wasn't anywhere near it was, I love it.
19:03I don't mean that, you've poked about it,
19:04you've made a shot and it's gone.
19:06Oh, blimey, never mind,
19:07I'll have to fix a bit.
19:08Jack, give us a hand, will you, mate?
19:09Hang on, mate, hang on, don't touch that.
19:11I won't get a shock.
19:12You will if the shop stewards find out about it.
19:14So what?
19:15Look, as shop steward, I cannot allow that.
19:18We cannot allow you mucking about with that.
19:20You could bring the whole country to an halt.
19:23It'd be Fords all over again.
19:25All right, get the electrician in here, get him in here.
19:27Can't do that.
19:28Why?
19:29He's having his lunch break.
19:30Well, we can't if the stove's off.
19:32Do you think I could serve it up raw?
19:36Raw?
19:37Mum, we've got Indians, we've got Pakistanis,
19:39we've got Nigerians, we've got all sorts here,
19:41but we haven't got Eskimos.
19:44And let's serve it up with a nice sauce.
19:47Oh, come, Albert, I'll get something organised.
19:49Leave it to me, leave it to me.
19:50Dear.
19:51Why are we waiting?
19:55Why are we waiting?
19:59Oh, why are we waiting?
20:02Don't they always have community singing in the lunch hours?
20:05Well, it's not usual.
20:06Do the busmen always sing this tune?
20:08No, it's generally the passengers.
20:10Bill, that way now.
20:12So be ready.
20:15Oh, no, we've never missed again.
20:16I hope he's found an electrician.
20:18Come on, then.
20:20There we go.
20:21What have you got there?
20:22I've got 30 portions of fish and chips.
20:24I went over to Joe's bar and got them, you see.
20:26So get the plates out, get the plates out.
20:28Here, open those, they're all in there, look.
20:31Open them up.
20:34Put them down there, pick them up for me.
20:36You got those?
20:37Yeah.
20:38Go and have a word with her.
20:39Hang on.
20:42Sorry about the wait, lads.
20:44No, no, keep calm.
20:45And if you've got your nice fish and chips all fresh,
20:47you can come and get it.
20:48It's ready.
20:50All right, all right.
20:51Stand back there, stand back.
20:53Make way for the inspector.
20:54Go on, get out of here.
20:55Go on.
20:57We'd like you to have yours first.
20:59Oh, thanks very much.
21:00Just in case it's poisoned.
21:06Here you are, plate at the desk, plate at the desk.
21:09Got any more fish and chips out there, Olive?
21:11Yeah, they're lovely.
21:12What are you doing?
21:13I'm having my lunch.
21:14Go on.
21:16Oh, this is delicious, Mrs Butler, delicious.
21:18Oh, thank you, thank you.
21:19Yes, I generally go across to Joe's fish bar, you know, for it,
21:21but it's never as good as this.
21:24I can see this is freshly cooked.
21:26You know, when it comes to cooking,
21:27I'm a bit of a connoisseur, you know.
21:28Oh, really?
21:29Well, it's one of six a portion.
21:31No, not one of six, Mum.
21:32No, Mum, not one of six.
21:34So up there, look on the sleeve.
21:36It's not one of six, it's one of six.
21:38That's very cheap, you know.
21:39I say it's very cheap.
21:40It cost me four bobabolton.
21:46Blimey, what a day.
21:47Oh, yeah, the organisation was a trifle chaotic.
21:50How typical.
21:51There's more to running a canteen than driving a bus, you know.
21:53Oh, I don't think it was so bad.
21:55I heard that we sold more meals than they had ever before.
21:59Yeah, lost two and six on every one.
22:01But you do have to know how to count.
22:02Shut up.
22:03Sit down, Jack.
22:07You doing all right, had you?
22:08Wine, chicken, trifle?
22:10Yeah, well, no one home to get my supper.
22:12My wife earning a good pay packet,
22:13I thought I could stretch myself to a few luxuries.
22:17Well, you wouldn't make the most of it.
22:19She's got the bullet.
22:20Eh?
22:21Why?
22:22Why?
22:23I've had a few words with the management.
22:24They've agreed to run the canteen again.
22:26I thought you were going to do it better than the management.
22:28Oh, he did.
22:29He lost more in two days than they lost in six months.
22:31Yeah, I'm jotting it down, look.
22:33Have a look at that.
22:34£17.10 down.
22:35£4.50.
22:37Hey, wait a minute, mate.
22:38You're more down than out.
22:39You've forgotten Olive's money.
22:41Olive's money?
22:42Blimey, she didn't do a stroke.
22:44There's nothing in the union rules about that, mate.
22:46You're a shop steward, am I right?
22:47Oh, it's quite right, yeah.
22:48She is entitled to a week's wages.
22:50She ain't got hope.
22:51No, no, no, it's quite right.
22:52You paid Mrs Sharma.
22:54Yeah, but that's different.
22:55Mrs Sharma was an Indian.
22:56Look, we can't have no discrimination.
22:58You'll have to pay her, mate.
23:00Maybe the lads will have a whip round for you later.
23:02Maybe.
23:03Oh, you must pay your debts.
23:05Nah, forget it, Mum.
23:06Now, look.
23:07If you don't pay Olive, I will.
23:09What with?
23:11With the money you gave me to save for your holiday.
23:13Oh, this is ridiculous.
23:15Now, now, now, don't argue.
23:16Sit down and I'll make you a nice cup of cocoa for you and Jack for supper.
23:19Cocoa?
23:21Cocoa?
23:22With an overpaid brother-in-law and an overpaid sister?
23:26That's right.
23:27Come on.
23:28Get the chicken, mate.
23:29What do you think you're doing?
23:56APPLAUSE