Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:00:32You
00:00:34You
00:00:36You
00:00:38You
00:00:40You
00:00:42You
00:00:44You
00:00:46You
00:00:48You
00:00:50You
00:00:52You
00:00:54You
00:00:56You
00:00:58You
00:01:00You
00:01:02You
00:01:04You
00:01:06You
00:01:08You
00:01:10You
00:01:12You
00:01:14You
00:01:16You
00:01:18You
00:01:20You
00:01:22You
00:01:24You
00:01:26You
00:01:28You
00:01:30You
00:01:32You
00:01:34You
00:01:36You
00:01:38You
00:01:40You
00:01:42You
00:01:44You
00:01:46You
00:01:48You
00:01:50You
00:01:52You
00:01:54It's Diamond Jim here, ready to rock your world.
00:01:58Lock the door.
00:01:59Throw the tarp on the couch and get ready.
00:02:02It's time for the Diamond Jim Marathon.
00:02:04Woo!
00:02:05Yeah!
00:02:07It's a scrapbook of some of my hottest hits,
00:02:10including Cheerleader Debutantes 3,
00:02:13Gettin' Wet,
00:02:14Debutante Nurses 9,
00:02:16Missionary,
00:02:17Impossible,
00:02:18and of course,
00:02:19Candy Straper Cutie 14,
00:02:21You've Got Tail.
00:02:22So join all your favorite stars,
00:02:24including Autumn Bliss,
00:02:26Give me a T.
00:02:28Give me an A.
00:02:30Daphne Cheeks,
00:02:32I'm so wet.
00:02:34Suzy Diablo,
00:02:36Submit.
00:02:37And of course,
00:02:38the hottest piece of ass known to mankind,
00:02:41Mammy.
00:02:42I'm all yours.
00:02:44But wait, there's more.
00:02:45Start dialing that phone,
00:02:47because one of you lucky bastards could be the next winner
00:02:50of one of these bitchin' prizes.
00:02:52How about a leather Marco Lounger,
00:02:55treated with Drew Sengard for wipe-a-ways,
00:02:58or a 86 Fiera,
00:03:00Come on.
00:03:01with a high-end saline racing package,
00:03:03and bumper bra.
00:03:05Come on.
00:03:06And the granddaddy of them all,
00:03:08the vintage Diamond Jim Porn Booth.
00:03:12Signed by me, Diamond Jim.
00:03:15It's country right here.
00:03:17Hello?
00:03:21Meet Lester Watts,
00:03:23W-A-T-T-S.
00:03:26I'm a boxer's man.
00:03:28Average size, probably, you know,
00:03:305 7 8 inches,
00:03:32but it's really wide.
00:03:33Devastating girth.
00:03:35Last night, or this morning,
00:03:37and like 20 minutes ago at lunch.
00:03:39Pack of smokes?
00:03:41If I had to choose,
00:03:43probably nipple clamps over strap-on.
00:03:48Tap?
00:03:51What else do I like?
00:03:54Fuckin' sixth graders!
00:03:59No, no, no, no, no, that's not what I meant.
00:04:00Hello?
00:04:01I didn't...
00:04:02Hello?
00:04:03Did you...
00:04:04God!
00:04:06God!
00:04:08Hey, man of the hour, what's up?
00:04:11How'd it go?
00:04:12I got it.
00:04:13What?
00:04:14Yeah.
00:04:15You just got it?
00:04:16And it was beautiful.
00:04:17I just sat down, eye to eye,
00:04:18and the guy caved on everything.
00:04:20Huge raise, fat title, sick office.
00:04:23The works.
00:04:24Tracy, how'd she take it when you told her
00:04:26you were leaving her daddy's firm?
00:04:28No, no, I haven't, you know, I haven't told her.
00:04:30Oh, Jesus Christ, man.
00:04:32You're not giving her enough credit.
00:04:34You know, she's a great girl.
00:04:36All right, and she wants what's best for me,
00:04:38because that is what's best for us,
00:04:40the Tracy Carl unit, and...
00:04:46Did you just say to me, the Tracy Carl unit?
00:04:49Bro, I've had your back since the bloody asphalt days
00:04:52of third grade dodgeball.
00:04:54Tim Wheatley hit you in the face with a basketball
00:04:56and knocked you out.
00:04:58What did I do?
00:04:59I held him down and I farted in his mouth, Carl.
00:05:01I know, and I appreciate that.
00:05:02You know I appreciate that.
00:05:03I know what's best for you.
00:05:05And if I was about to cut my balls off,
00:05:07I hope that a good friend would stand up
00:05:09and tell me that I'm an asshole.
00:05:11So, Carl, as a friend, you're an asshole.
00:05:14Lester, I promise, everything's going to be okay.
00:05:17All right?
00:05:21It's going to be fine.
00:05:23Are you out of your fucking mind?
00:05:26Leaving daddy's firm after all he's done for you?
00:05:29For us?
00:05:30Well, yes, I know, but...
00:05:31The wedding.
00:05:32It's a hundred grand.
00:05:34Who's paying?
00:05:35Oh, that's right.
00:05:36Daddy.
00:05:37Honeymoon.
00:05:38Ding!
00:05:39Daddy again.
00:05:40Well, he's very generous.
00:05:41I just don't understand why you'd want to leave anyway.
00:05:43My brothers love it there.
00:05:44And so does Uncle Larry.
00:05:45A mummy comes by every day with a healthy,
00:05:47homemade, nutritious lunch you claim you just love.
00:05:50That is unless you've been lying to me.
00:05:54Hmm?
00:05:57You're not a liar, are you, Carl?
00:05:59I am not a liar.
00:06:00I love your mother's cooking.
00:06:01I just think that I need...
00:06:02Carl, sweetie, you've just got to have an open mind about this
00:06:05and realize that leaving daddy's firm is just simply...
00:06:08not going to happen.
00:06:09Okay, baby?
00:06:11End of discussion.
00:06:16Does it feel okay, though?
00:06:18A little cold.
00:06:19Whoops.
00:06:29Mmm.
00:06:30Mmm.
00:06:31Mmm-hmm.
00:06:32That's a good choice.
00:06:34You know what?
00:06:35You don't even have to tell me.
00:06:38I want to guess.
00:06:39Is that okay?
00:06:40You sat down eye to eye and you folded like a little bitch.
00:06:43Am I wrong?
00:06:44So you get the same title, no raise, shitty office.
00:06:48What did you call it?
00:06:49The works.
00:06:50It's Monday morning.
00:06:52Welcome to hell.
00:06:53I mean, why is she so mad at you all the time?
00:06:56I mean, come on, bro.
00:06:58I think you're the one that should be pissed, my friend.
00:07:00I'm just thinking that maybe I should buy her something, you know,
00:07:04that's special but also creative.
00:07:08Ooh, like get her a retard with a box of crayons
00:07:11with one of them sharpeners so he can sharpen it
00:07:13and then take the shavings and put them all over his face.
00:07:16You're going to hell.
00:07:17Well, you know what?
00:07:18No, I'm not going to hell.
00:07:19Retards love crayons.
00:07:22What are you doing?
00:07:23No, no, no, no, no, don't be that guy.
00:07:24I'm not calling her, all right?
00:07:26Who are you calling?
00:07:27I'm calling to decline the job offer.
00:07:28Just don't be rash, okay?
00:07:29You don't have to call right now.
00:07:30Give it the weekend.
00:07:31Why give it the weekend?
00:07:32I mean, what is the point?
00:07:33What's going to happen this weekend?
00:07:34Let's do it.
00:07:35Ooh!
00:07:36Ooh!
00:07:37Ooh!
00:07:38Ooh!
00:07:39Ooh!
00:07:40Ooh!
00:07:41Ooh!
00:07:42Ooh!
00:07:43Ooh!
00:07:44Ooh!
00:07:45Ooh!
00:07:46Ooh!
00:07:47Ooh!
00:07:48Ooh!
00:07:49Ooh!
00:07:50Ooh!
00:07:51Ooh!
00:07:52Ooh!
00:07:53Ooh!
00:07:54Ooh!
00:07:55Ooh!
00:07:56Ooh!
00:07:57Ooh!
00:07:58I don't know. I've been pretty blackout drunk for the last week and a half.
00:08:01Thanks for asking. But no, I feel like I want it.
00:08:03I vaguely remember calling some sweepstakes.
00:08:06I hope I didn't buy this.
00:08:08This thing's priceless. I couldn't have bought it. I couldn't afford this.
00:08:10Really? And I'm the one who has to rethink my life.
00:08:13Yeah, you do.
00:08:16So, let's plug this sucker in, huh?
00:08:20This is a piece of history, my man.
00:08:22I mean, this is how they kicked it old school. There was no Internet back then.
00:08:24Just grab a roll of quarters, get on in, and get your horn on.
00:08:26Hey, thanks for the history lesson. Plug it in, huh?
00:08:32It works.
00:08:34It seems to, yeah.
00:08:35Let's check it out.
00:08:37Yeah, let's.
00:08:38Come on.
00:08:39It's like a time machine taking you back to porn's glory days.
00:08:42Uh-huh. Why am I longing for those days?
00:08:46This is a vintage Diamond Jim porn booth.
00:08:49Okay.
00:08:50You know who Diamond Jim is.
00:08:51No.
00:08:52I don't.
00:08:54Think Spielberg, okay?
00:08:56That's the kind of influence that this man had on porn.
00:08:59I mean, before Diamond Jim, porno was dark and dirty and hairy,
00:09:03and Diamond Jim just changed everything.
00:09:06DJ made porn fun, okay?
00:09:08And fun is something that you are sorely lacking these days.
00:09:11And any fun that's left in you is going to be sucked out by you-know-who.
00:09:14All right.
00:09:15And not from your...
00:09:16Because she doesn't do that.
00:09:17That's inappropriate? She's a lady.
00:09:19Get in the porn booth, Carl, and I'll show you some real ladies.
00:09:21That's great.
00:09:22Yeah.
00:09:25Carl.
00:09:26What?
00:09:27Trust me. Get in the porn booth.
00:09:28I'm not getting in there. It's vintage.
00:09:30That means used. Used means sticky.
00:09:32I'm not getting in there.
00:09:33You don't like sticky?
00:09:35No.
00:09:36You don't mind sitting on the couch?
00:09:37You.
00:09:38Let's go!
00:09:39Wow.
00:09:40Carl, trust me.
00:09:47Take your flip.
00:09:49Wow.
00:09:50Somebody had a real thing for nurses.
00:09:52They're nice people.
00:09:54Okay, Carl.
00:09:55They're helpers.
00:09:58Holy shit!
00:09:59Sorority Surprise?
00:10:00That's insane.
00:10:01No way.
00:10:02No, no, no, no, no.
00:10:03What?
00:10:04Sorority Surprise.
00:10:05You've never heard of it?
00:10:06I never have.
00:10:07It's Diamond Jim's experimental masterpiece.
00:10:10It was an epic, days in the making,
00:10:11only to disappear off the face of the planet.
00:10:13Some people say Diamond Jim went insane trying to finish it.
00:10:15Other people say it was two scoops of cocaine
00:10:17he put on his Raisin Bran every morning.
00:10:19But here it is.
00:10:20Hey, bud.
00:10:21Pick your flick.
00:10:22There's a good smile on your face.
00:10:24I bet it will.
00:10:26All right.
00:10:27Let's get it on.
00:10:32Are you doing that?
00:10:35Stop.
00:10:36What is happening?
00:10:37Why is it happening?
00:10:38Stop!
00:10:39Stop it!
00:10:40Stop it!
00:10:41Stop it!
00:10:42Stop it!
00:10:43Stop it!
00:10:44Stop it!
00:10:45Stop it!
00:10:46Whoa, dude.
00:10:47Fail!
00:11:04Whoa!
00:11:05That was intense.
00:11:07Are you okay?
00:11:08I think so.
00:11:10Man, where are we?
00:11:11Go!
00:11:12Go!
00:11:14Woo!
00:11:20Freeze!
00:11:21Put your hands up.
00:11:22I said freeze!
00:11:23Get your hands up.
00:11:25Do you want us to freeze or get our hands up?
00:11:27Shut up, punk.
00:11:28Brittany Friscombe.
00:11:32Jeez.
00:11:36I think we have a concealed weapon here.
00:11:38I don't think so.
00:11:39Is that booze I smell on your breath?
00:11:42I'm sorry.
00:11:43Officer, we did not do anything wrong here.
00:11:46Oh, yeah?
00:11:47Ow!
00:11:48How's malicious jaywalking sound with intent?
00:11:51Made up.
00:11:52No, really, officer.
00:11:53How do I know you?
00:11:54And you, too.
00:11:55College?
00:11:56I mean, I didn't really go to college.
00:11:57I used to deal weed there.
00:11:58I didn't really deal weed there, but I'm just saying.
00:12:00How do I know you?
00:12:01A-A?
00:12:02Silence!
00:12:03Oh, my God!
00:12:04Ah!
00:12:05Ah!
00:12:06Ah!
00:12:07Ah!
00:12:08Ah!
00:12:09Ah!
00:12:10Ah!
00:12:11Ah!
00:12:13How's regulation, uniforms?
00:12:15Any and all...
00:12:17Please head down south.
00:12:18Please head down south.
00:12:19Detectives can't...
00:12:20You're in the courier center.
00:12:21You're in the courier center.
00:12:26I'm...
00:12:27I'm...
00:12:28I'm...
00:12:29I'm...
00:12:30I'm...
00:12:31I'm...
00:12:32I'm...
00:12:33I'm...
00:12:34I'm...
00:12:35I'm...
00:12:36I'm...
00:12:37I'm...
00:12:38I'm...
00:12:39I'm...
00:12:40I'm...
00:12:41I'm...
00:12:42I'm...
00:12:43I'm...
00:12:44I'm...
00:12:45I'm...
00:12:46I'm...
00:12:47I'm...
00:12:48I'm...
00:12:49I'm...
00:12:50I'm...
00:12:51I'm...
00:12:52I'm...
00:12:53I'm...
00:12:54I'm...
00:12:55I'm...
00:12:56I'm...
00:12:57I'm...
00:12:58I'm...
00:12:59I'm...
00:13:00I'm...
00:13:01I'm...
00:13:02I'm...
00:13:03I'm...
00:13:04I'm...
00:13:05I'm...
00:13:06I'm...
00:13:07I'm...
00:13:08I'm...
00:13:09I'm...
00:13:10Or before you know it, you might find yourself on the rub-out highway to nowhere's bill
00:13:20That was the gun son you don't want to see the cannon
00:13:28Get this dumb mug out of my sight
00:13:40Well well, what do we have here? Just a piece of meat, hmmm
00:13:56I...
00:13:57Another outburst like that, and I will send you straight to the hole
00:14:11Uh, shh, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
00:14:14Just listen, okay? All I know is I'm hanging out with my buddy, and then the next thing you know there's this lights, and then there's sounds
00:14:21And then we slammed it to the ground, okay?
00:14:24There was cops.
00:14:25Kitty cops.
00:14:27And then they kicked me in the balls and they maced me.
00:14:31And now I'm here.
00:14:32That's all I know.
00:14:34You think I haven't heard that one before, do you?
00:14:51You better get used to it, bitches.
00:15:10You're the fucking bitch.
00:15:12Bitch.
00:15:13Stop being stupid, bitch.
00:15:15Why don't you make me, bitch?
00:15:18Don't hurt her.
00:15:23Wait a minute.
00:15:27Have we ever met somewhere before or something?
00:15:32I don't know.
00:15:33I see punks like you every day.
00:15:36Oh, my God.
00:15:40You're...
00:15:42Suzy.
00:15:44Suzy Diablo.
00:15:46Look.
00:15:49We can either do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way.
00:15:56Wait a minute.
00:15:58I know the answer to this.
00:16:00I know the next line.
00:16:01Uh...
00:16:02Yes?
00:16:03Could it get any harder?
00:16:05Oh, yeah.
00:16:08I think it just did.
00:16:12Bingo.
00:16:15Bingo.
00:16:17Bingo.
00:16:27Oh.
00:16:43No, we're good.
00:16:47You're good.
00:16:48Yeah.
00:16:55One way or another, you're going to tell me what I want to know.
00:17:00Even if I have to suck it out of you.
00:17:03Oh, I'm not talking.
00:17:05I'm not talking.
00:17:07You can't get me to talk.
00:17:09Lester.
00:17:10Hey, Lester.
00:17:11Oh, my God.
00:17:12What is he doing here?
00:17:14Uh, baby, it's okay.
00:17:16You understand.
00:17:17She needs information.
00:17:19I can explain.
00:17:20Yeah, well, that's great.
00:17:21Explain later.
00:17:22Come on, come on.
00:17:23You can't get away.
00:17:24I'll talk you down until I get what I want.
00:17:30Come on, let's go.
00:17:31Let's go.
00:17:32Come on.
00:17:34Oh, my God.
00:17:49Oh, my God.
00:18:17Oh, shit.
00:18:26This is all my fault.
00:18:29Don't sweat it, sister.
00:18:30We're going to track house to house.
00:18:32We're going to bag those plugs before the blue plate hits the counter.
00:18:36Yeah?
00:18:37Oh, yeah.
00:18:45Oh.
00:18:48Can it, chippy.
00:18:50Can it.
00:18:52Rod's always here for the taking.
00:18:54You know that.
00:18:55But with these punks, these mugs, these goof-a-loof-a-doofs loosing my engine,
00:19:01it's track one for trouble time.
00:19:04Okay.
00:19:05I think.
00:19:07Okay.
00:19:09Oh, my God.
00:19:18I am so wet.
00:19:23You're so cool.
00:19:26Now I'm way wetter than you are.
00:19:28No, I'm way wetter.
00:19:30Yes, girl.
00:19:31Now you're both wet.
00:19:32All right, let's take a vote.
00:19:34Yes, Miss Bliss.
00:19:36Who's wetter?
00:19:37Brandy or Mandy?
00:19:39Oh, I'm going to cry.
00:19:42Oh, I'm so wet.
00:19:48Have you ever seen anything like this?
00:19:51Yes.
00:19:54Yes, my friend, I have.
00:19:57This is the opening scene of Dirty Talking Co-ed.
00:20:00All right, that's enough of the jokes.
00:20:02I'm serious, all right?
00:20:03Bro, this is not a joke.
00:20:04I don't even know how to be more serious.
00:20:07And, like, wow, this is definitely the wettest I've ever been.
00:20:11Excuse me.
00:20:12I am so wet.
00:20:15Like, wow, this is definitely the wettest I've ever been.
00:20:20What?
00:20:24Yeah, that chick back at the police station, her name is Suzy Diablo.
00:20:28She's a porn star.
00:20:29She's a black belt in S&M.
00:20:31She's nothing but trouble.
00:20:32And this girl?
00:20:33All right, girls.
00:20:36Her name is Autumn Bliss.
00:20:38She's the den mother here at Tri-Pi Sorority.
00:20:41She keeps the girls in line, dirty little hussies.
00:20:45And her?
00:20:46There is Daphne Cheeks, the blonde one.
00:20:48She's a water sports specialist, if you know what I'm saying.
00:20:50That's one of my personal favorites.
00:20:52And in five, four, three, two.
00:21:01That is Bambi Cummings.
00:21:05She is the best of the best, Carl.
00:21:08Have a seat, Bambi.
00:21:09Thanks.
00:21:13Hi, girls.
00:21:14Hi, Bambi.
00:21:16Hi, Bambi.
00:21:20End of story.
00:21:23Carl, I think we have to seriously consider the possibility that we died back there.
00:21:29We got electrocuted in that booth, and now we somehow made it to heaven.
00:21:35Praise Jesus.
00:21:37No, no.
00:21:38This is just a bad, drunk dream.
00:21:40And any minute, I am going to wake up, and everything will be the way it was.
00:21:45Well, not exactly.
00:21:47Diamond Jam.
00:21:49In the flesh, my friend.
00:21:51And please, call me DJ.
00:21:53DJ, please, tell me this is some sort of dream or something.
00:21:56Or are we dead?
00:21:58Well, the answer is yes and no.
00:22:00Told you.
00:22:01See, it's like this.
00:22:02On the one hand, you've taken on an alternative form of existence,
00:22:06which could be construed as some sort of a dreamlike state.
00:22:09But on the other hand, since you physically traveled here,
00:22:12you no longer exist back home, so technically you're considered dead.
00:22:15Yes!
00:22:16But not really, because you're here, and you're alive.
00:22:18Huh?
00:22:20Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:22:21Are you saying that we have traveled to some sort of alternate porno flick dimension?
00:22:30Or perhaps, if you will, a porno-ville?
00:22:34Well, if it looks like porno and smells like porno.
00:22:37It must be porno!
00:22:39Oh, yes!
00:22:41Thank you.
00:22:42Thank you.
00:22:43No, no, no, no, no.
00:22:44No, this is not happening.
00:22:45Oh, it's happening, Carl.
00:22:47You see, you were brought here for a reason.
00:22:50And like any great journey, the true adventure is figuring that reason out.
00:22:56Or something.
00:22:58Cool, I love meaningful journeys.
00:23:00If you could just do me a favor and point me in the direction of one of those dimension-altering porn booths,
00:23:06and I'll just make my way home.
00:23:08Carl, you don't punch a ticket home until you complete the journey.
00:23:13No fast-forwarding.
00:23:14You dig, son?
00:23:16Now, here are the rules.
00:23:17Listen up.
00:23:18Yeah.
00:23:19There are none!
00:23:21Shut the fuck up.
00:23:23Wait, now, hang on.
00:23:25Is there one?
00:23:28Shit, I don't remember.
00:23:30Hey, do whatever the hell you want.
00:23:32It gets better, huh?
00:23:33But, boys, piece of advice.
00:23:36Just keep it simple.
00:23:42Oh, he's gone.
00:23:45Okay, so we can't hide out here in the open, then.
00:23:49Hey, we can hide up there.
00:23:51They have an attic up there that they never use.
00:23:53How do you know?
00:23:54Because in Co-Ed Cupcakes 9, the girls have a seance with a vibrating Ouija board
00:23:58that they think is haunted by a ghost with a 20-inch long that they call the Cockness Monster
00:24:02that lives in the attic that they never use.
00:24:06Oh, I should have been a better friend to you, huh?
00:24:08Yeah.
00:24:09Great.
00:24:10All right, fine, let's go.
00:24:11Okay, but first, we have to hide here for five more minutes.
00:24:14Why?
00:24:15They're about to have an orgy, bro.
00:24:19Fine, let's go.
00:24:32Huh?
00:24:33This is hilarious.
00:24:38Look at this.
00:24:39What?
00:24:41Oh, holy shit.
00:24:44Why do they need all this dessert?
00:25:01God, that was fun.
00:25:02I know, and we've only just begun.
00:25:07Look at what I've got.
00:25:11A little whipped cream.
00:25:14Any chocolate to go with that?
00:25:16Maybe.
00:25:18That feels good.
00:25:22Don't forget the cherries, girls.
00:25:24We love this place.
00:25:30You're my favorite sundae, yummy.
00:25:33Here.
00:25:40I love you.
00:25:49Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:25:53We gotta go.
00:25:54We forgot the cherries.
00:25:55Come on, we gotta go.
00:25:57We forgot the cherries.
00:26:00We gotta go.
00:26:01Compose!
00:26:03Compose.
00:26:11I'll bring Mr. Boo Boo.
00:26:13Oh, good idea.
00:26:15I'm gonna take a shower.
00:26:22But I always take showers.
00:26:25Oh, yeah, I forgot.
00:26:28You're silly.
00:26:49What are you doing?
00:26:51You can change in here if you want.
00:27:01Oh, um, how about we meet in the shower?
00:27:04Okay.
00:27:05Okay.
00:27:36Okay.
00:27:37Okay.
00:27:38Okay.
00:27:39Okay.
00:27:40Okay.
00:27:41Okay.
00:27:42Okay.
00:27:43Okay.
00:27:44Okay.
00:27:45Okay.
00:27:46Okay.
00:27:47Okay.
00:27:48Okay.
00:27:49Okay.
00:27:50Okay.
00:27:51Okay.
00:27:52Okay.
00:27:53Okay.
00:27:54Okay.
00:27:55Okay.
00:27:56Okay.
00:27:57Okay.
00:27:58Okay.
00:27:59Okay.
00:28:00Okay.
00:28:01Okay.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:03Okay.
00:28:04Okay.
00:28:06Okay.
00:28:08Okay.
00:28:10Okay.
00:28:12Okay, here we go.
00:28:21Who are you and what are you doing in my closet?
00:28:33I'm sorry.
00:28:34I'm sorry.
00:28:35I'm sorry.
00:28:36I can explain.
00:28:37You better or I start screaming.
00:28:38No.
00:28:39No.
00:28:40No.
00:28:41Don't scream.
00:28:42Don't scream.
00:28:43Please.
00:28:44Please.
00:28:45Please.
00:28:46Okay.
00:28:47I came here in a booth.
00:28:48A movie booth.
00:28:49But it's not a movie booth.
00:28:50No.
00:28:51No.
00:28:52No.
00:28:53I'm sorry.
00:28:54I'm sorry.
00:28:55I'm sorry.
00:28:56Let's start.
00:28:57Quality control, ma'am.
00:28:58I have been inspecting these items.
00:29:01I'm afraid I'm going to have to seize them all.
00:29:05What?
00:29:06You and Mr. Boo-Boo?
00:29:08Oh, especially Mr. Boo-Boo.
00:29:11So, you're from outer space?
00:29:17No.
00:29:18Not exactly.
00:29:19I'm not, no, no, I'm not going to do anything to you. I just, I need to go home.
00:29:24Oh. Gee, mister, are you absolutely positive you have to take all of them?
00:29:31Absolutely sure.
00:29:33Well, are you sure there's nothing I could do to change your mind?
00:29:40Well, I, uh...
00:29:46I'm sure that, uh...
00:29:49I, uh...
00:29:53Ah!
00:30:19And where did you land here?
00:30:22Uh, I don't know. I mean, there was an alley, and, um, and then we got arrested.
00:30:27I mean, everything was just happening so fast. I don't really...
00:30:29Looks like things aren't slowing down any time soon.
00:30:32Ah!
00:30:45Oh, no, that's that guy. That's that crazy detective guy with the toothpick, and I don't know what he's saying.
00:30:50Yeah, that's Detective Rod Cannon. He always gets his man. You guys got to hide.
00:30:55You going to help us?
00:30:56Of course, silly.
00:30:57Oh, thanks.
00:31:05Daphne, you got to hide these two, and quick. Rod is here.
00:31:09Rod Cannon? The long slong of the law, Rod Cannon?
00:31:14Did he interrogate you?
00:31:16Yeah, kind of.
00:31:19Oh, shit, bro.
00:31:21We do not want to be caught by Rod.
00:31:24He always gets his man.
00:31:27If you know what I mean.
00:31:29I usually don't know what you mean, and it's no exception right now, so...
00:31:42Well, if it isn't Rod Cannon.
00:31:48Good afternoon, Miss Bliss.
00:31:50What can I do for you today, detective?
00:31:52Official business.
00:31:53Rod.
00:31:55You know boys aren't allowed upstairs without an escort.
00:32:00Like I said, sweetie, it's official.
00:32:10He's coming.
00:32:26Open up, police.
00:32:28Hey, guys. What's up?
00:32:32Step aside, please. I need to have a look-see. In there.
00:32:38Cool. Something wrong?
00:32:41Less confidential.
00:32:45Awesome. Have fun.
00:32:56So, you girls seen anything out of the ordinary?
00:33:05Something funny?
00:33:10No.
00:33:12Rod, is there something we should be worried about?
00:33:17I'm a working man, cupcake.
00:33:19So that's Detective Cannon to you.
00:33:22And please, I'm the one asking the questions here, miss, you understand?
00:33:28How long you had this for?
00:33:34How long do you want me to have had it for?
00:33:46Rod, are you going to tell us what's going on or not?
00:33:48Nothing I can't handle. Just a couple hoods on the lam. You know me.
00:33:55I always get my man.
00:34:24You got something?
00:34:26No.
00:34:27No?
00:34:28What?
00:34:29I don't know.
00:34:36All right. Guess my work here is done.
00:34:41Thanks, Rod. Now you have your number.
00:34:45Jesus Christ.
00:34:47Oh, my God.
00:34:51We have to get you guys to the hospital.
00:34:53No, no. We don't need doctors.
00:34:55Yes, and besides, there's lots of crazy gadgets there. Maybe one of them can help you get home.
00:35:01Oh, okay. Thank you. That's nice.
00:35:03Okay.
00:35:04Yeah.
00:35:05Let me just do my hair first. My hospital hair.
00:35:06Hospital hair. Okay.
00:35:10What's happening?
00:35:12Wouldn't you say you're risking quite a bit for this mysterious stranger?
00:35:16You know me. I'm always a sucker for the new guy.
00:35:23Oh, my God. It's so sweet and helpless.
00:35:27I mean, look at them.
00:35:33So, every day these palookas ride the streets is an embarrassment.
00:35:39An embarrassment, not only to me, but to the entire department.
00:35:43No one, and I mean no one, makes a clean sneak from the clubhouse and walks.
00:35:48Not on my watch. Not on my watch.
00:35:51Sir, I've just landed a tip.
00:35:55No, not that. They've been spotted at the hospital.
00:35:58Diablo, slant the hospital. Dick, Lance, hit the campus.
00:36:03I want these hoods back by nightfall or there will be hell to pay.
00:36:07Get out of here. Come on. Move. Let's see movement. Let's move. Let's move. Let's move.
00:36:11Other way. Other way. Go.
00:36:16This pink zone is for unloading only.
00:36:23I've got a contorted labor. I need 600 gallons of toxin magooey.
00:36:27What's that for? What? Where'd you study medicine?
00:36:30It's my hair. It's got a humerus erectus, and it's, yeah, it's huge.
00:36:34What's the point of this? I never know you're here. You never know where you're going.
00:36:41Doctor, are they gonna be okay?
00:36:43Right now, it doesn't look good, but you sure as hell do.
00:36:47Is there anything that I can do?
00:36:49Well, I'm sure I can think of something.
00:36:52Okay.
00:36:55All deliveries for Dr. Jellyfinger, please use the rear entry.
00:37:02Carmel, what are you doing?
00:37:03Look, I have to get out of here. I can't waste my time with this.
00:37:05I gotta find the portal. I gotta get home. Let's just grab Lester and we'll go, okay?
00:37:09I can't.
00:37:10Oh, yeah.
00:37:12I have to go to cheerleading practice. Tryouts are tomorrow.
00:37:16Oh.
00:37:17And besides, we can't arouse any suspicions.
00:37:20Yeah. No, I understand. I mean, you've already done so much.
00:37:24But I still want to help.
00:37:26After you find Lester, come back to the Pie House, and Daphne and I will find you guys a place to hide.
00:37:31Right. Okay. Thanks, Bambi.
00:37:34Sure thing. And good luck.
00:37:43Uh, Dan, good luck to you. Thank you.
00:37:46To you as well.
00:37:59Where are they?
00:38:13Hey, girls. Do you want to get it on with me? Do you want to do it?
00:38:19Are you ready for your sponge bath?
00:38:21Uh, yeah.
00:38:29Now turn over.
00:38:33We always start with the back.
00:38:36But don't worry. We always finish with the front.
00:38:43Oh, yeah. Are you excited?
00:38:46Not really.
00:38:47Not really.
00:38:50Yeah, get down to the crack there.
00:38:56Dr. Bushwood, please prepare for an injection.
00:38:59Dr. Bushwood, prepare for a big injection.
00:39:03Oh, boy.
00:39:06Hush.
00:39:11Wow, that looked painful.
00:39:13Hello, Lester.
00:39:15Dr. David Blow, call Dr. Collins' dad.
00:39:20Ooh, baby. Looks like I'm all strapped in.
00:39:23It wasn't very nice running out of milk, but...
00:39:27Oh, well, it's all about timing, baby.
00:39:30Look, I'm not going anywhere, so I guess now is the time, if you know what I'm saying.
00:39:38What's that thing?
00:39:43Uh...
00:39:46I assure you, this indeed will hurt.
00:39:49Wait, wait, wait. You mean, like, role-play hurt?
00:39:53Uh-uh.
00:39:54Or, honest to God, hurt?
00:39:57Yeah.
00:39:59W-w-w-wait! No, no, no. You don't want to do that.
00:40:02Yes?
00:40:04Dr. Jellyfinger! Dr. Jellyfinger! Dr. Jellyfinger!
00:40:07Oh, no, that's not like...
00:40:08Your patient is waiting.
00:40:09I don't have patients.
00:40:11What if I told you...
00:40:16What if I told you that I'm a virgin?
00:40:22Oh, fuck it. I'm stalling. Get it over with.
00:40:27Oh, fuck!
00:40:30Fuck!
00:40:32Fuck!
00:40:34No, uh...
00:40:36Okay.
00:40:39Doctor, so good to see you.
00:40:43So, um...
00:40:45What, uh...
00:40:47seems to be the problem?
00:40:49It's my nipples.
00:40:51They taste funny.
00:40:56Okay.
00:40:57Would you excuse me for...
00:41:03Stop!
00:41:05Run!
00:41:06Oh, I'll win!
00:41:10Carl, help me!
00:41:17Hey, hey.
00:41:19You don't ever say a word about this.
00:41:20I don't know what you're talking... I don't... I have no idea what you're talking about.
00:41:22Good. Nothing.
00:41:26Get out!
00:41:28My legs!
00:41:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's where we landed.
00:41:35That's where we landed. That's where we dropped.
00:41:37I don't care! Let's go! She's coming!
00:41:39With that thing! Let's go!
00:41:41Come on!
00:41:43Um...
00:41:47Okay.
00:41:48It's still there.
00:41:50Look, I'm...
00:41:51Don't touch me!
00:41:52Look, I'm...
00:41:53I don't...
00:41:54Okay.
00:41:55Keep them closed.
00:41:57One...
00:42:06You never say a word about this. Ever.
00:42:07No.
00:42:08Ever.
00:42:09No. Never. Absolutely.
00:42:10I would not do that.
00:42:15Go, go, go, go, go, go!
00:42:18Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
00:42:22Gave you the slip, huh?
00:42:25Let me tell you something, missy.
00:42:26I want those twists bar-bound ASAP.
00:42:32If not, it's your badge.
00:42:33Got me, sister?
00:42:37Move it.
00:42:40So, why don't you tell me something about yourself?
00:42:43Okay.
00:42:44All right.
00:42:45I'm 21 years old, and I'm a Capricorn.
00:42:47I'm 5'7", 110 pounds.
00:42:49My measurements are 34C, 24, 34.
00:42:52My turn-ons include candlelight dinners,
00:42:54guys who make me laugh,
00:42:55and long bubble baths,
00:42:56and my goal in life is to make the world smile.
00:43:00But you know what?
00:43:02Lately, I've been having these thoughts.
00:43:06Lately, I've been having these thoughts.
00:43:09New thoughts.
00:43:10I just think that there must be more to life than sex.
00:43:14Gosh, I mean, it's always sex.
00:43:18Just sex, sex, sex.
00:43:21It seems like there might be something missing.
00:43:25Yeah, like, like love, perhaps.
00:43:28Love?
00:43:30What do you mean?
00:43:32Well, you know, love.
00:43:33When you have sex with someone that you love, the sex is better.
00:43:37Okay, so I'm supposed to have sex with the people that I love?
00:43:40Yeah, absolutely.
00:43:42But how do you know if you're falling in love?
00:43:45Well, that is the great mystery.
00:43:49Maybe it's something that you catch in a person's eye that touches you,
00:43:54or maybe it's the way that that person treats you,
00:43:57the way that they understand, they listen.
00:44:01Let's make love right now.
00:44:05What?
00:44:06You want to make love now?
00:44:09I've got to go to the bathroom.
00:44:11What?
00:44:12You don't love me?
00:44:13No, it's not that.
00:44:14I just, you know, I should.
00:44:16Well, two seconds.
00:44:17Give me two seconds.
00:44:18Okay.
00:44:20So I found myself outside of San Antone around about midnight on a cold January eve.
00:44:26I was shacked up on an old Pentecostal church with Ruby Joe Greenberg.
00:44:29He's on foot now with old Chief Redclaw.
00:44:31He's out of Missoula way, makes his living trading arrowheads for fire water
00:44:36and mescaline south of the border.
00:44:38He carries around a dream catcher.
00:44:39You want to take a bath and fuck?
00:44:43Yeah, okay.
00:44:45Okay.
00:44:48Some people say that it's not cheating if you're in a different state,
00:44:52so I don't really see how it can be cheating if you're in a different fucking dimension.
00:44:58I need to lighten up, bro.
00:45:01Come on.
00:45:02All right, here.
00:45:03Carl, here's what you do, all right?
00:45:05You go back in there and you man up.
00:45:08You know, I think you need to realize something.
00:45:11This is not a joke, all right?
00:45:13If we don't figure out what's what, we might be doomed here forever.
00:45:16I think you might be overreacting just a little bit.
00:45:20I mean, sure, things aren't going our way right now, but as soon as we work out the kinks,
00:45:23come on, everything's going to be great.
00:45:25Look, it's just, you know, I have a life to get back to, you know, a real life.
00:45:29And wait a minute, you and I have a dog together.
00:45:33Charlie.
00:45:36Charlie, yeah.
00:45:38Okay.
00:45:40But I'm going to tell you what.
00:45:42If I give all this up, you have got to promise me right now that when you get back,
00:45:46you will at least try and make some changes in your life.
00:45:49I'm sorry, wait, what does that mean?
00:45:51I don't want you going back and living your same shitty life, Carl.
00:45:55Wait a minute, I have a shitty life?
00:45:57You have the shittiest life, yes.
00:45:59You're about to marry a woman who's not going to let you be you.
00:46:02Not only that, she's turned you into a bitch.
00:46:05You're a little bitch.
00:46:06She took them, she owns them, and now you're a bitch.
00:46:09I don't even know you anymore.
00:46:10Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:46:19Carl.
00:46:24Come here.
00:46:29All right, so where should we look for the way to, whoa, I'll tell you what.
00:46:33I've got a million ideas all brewing right up here.
00:46:35I can't wait to get working on them ASAP.
00:46:37But first you're going to have to let me take a bath with Daphne.
00:46:43She's ready to rock.
00:46:44So if I get you to leave the bathroom, it would be really great.
00:46:47Okay.
00:46:48Tomorrow then.
00:46:49Oh, yeah, totally, tomorrow, perfect.
00:46:50Looking forward to it.
00:46:51Have fun.
00:46:52Okay.
00:46:55Carl, that was the longest two seconds of my life.
00:47:00This is about right.
00:47:09Hello, puppy.
00:47:11I hope you brought some ice.
00:47:14I need ice.
00:47:31Hey, wait here.
00:47:44Oh, I forgot.
00:47:54You're a tri-fi.
00:47:56You pledged and dirty-talking co-eds 11.
00:47:58I knew that.
00:47:59So stupid.
00:48:05I don't know what you're saying to me.
00:48:07I don't speak that language.
00:48:12Ha, bitch, yeah, Carl.
00:48:14Oh.
00:48:15Oh, my God, what is going on?
00:48:18That is the woman from the hospital who, um...
00:48:20Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:48:21She what?
00:48:22I don't, I don't know her.
00:48:24Who, um, who hurt Lester.
00:48:27What a bitch.
00:48:29She puked on my face.
00:48:31Oh.
00:48:33You need to find another place to hide.
00:48:35Well, where?
00:48:37All the places that Bambi could think of the rest of her life.
00:48:40Hey, do I have puke in my eyebrow?
00:48:42No, I got all of it, I think.
00:48:44Lock it.
00:48:47How are they doing?
00:48:50Everything okay?
00:48:52Look, you know, Bambi is really going out of her way to help us,
00:48:55and, by the way, so is Daphne.
00:48:58I just, you know, I don't know what to do.
00:49:01Bambi is really going out of her way to help us,
00:49:03and, by the way, so is Daphne.
00:49:06I just, you know, I just think we should make it easy on them,
00:49:09not get them in any more trouble.
00:49:11You cocksucker.
00:49:13I knew it.
00:49:14You're into her, aren't you?
00:49:15She's cute, but, uh, you know, she's not even real.
00:49:19First of all, Bambi Cummings is the hottest of the hot, Carl.
00:49:23She is, like, microwave lasagna hot.
00:49:25And secondly, she wants you.
00:49:27And I don't know why.
00:49:28I mean, it's retarded to me.
00:49:29There's a million swinging dicks here.
00:49:30Any one she wants, and she's chosen you.
00:49:33Bambi Cummings is real.
00:49:35She's real enough to touch.
00:49:37She's real enough to squeeze.
00:49:38And she's real enough to put her shit on the line for us.
00:49:41Okay?
00:49:42That's real.
00:49:51Goodnight, Carl. I love you.
00:49:52I love you, too.
00:49:53Shh.
00:49:54Made me say it.
00:49:55Shh.
00:50:10Aren't we in a good mood today?
00:50:12I know.
00:50:13I just feel so, I don't know, you know?
00:50:16Is it Carl?
00:50:19You know about Carl?
00:50:21Of course, sweetie.
00:50:22Daphne told me.
00:50:23Oh, doesn't he sound like a cutie?
00:50:25Oh, he is.
00:50:27It's just I've never felt like this before.
00:50:29I think I'm in love.
00:50:33Love?
00:50:34Wow.
00:50:35What does that feel like?
00:50:36Oh, well, um, at first I can't get him out of my mind, you know?
00:50:41And then I get this pit in my stomach.
00:50:43And my heart's just pumping really hard.
00:50:46And it's hard for me to breathe.
00:50:48And then I get this headache.
00:50:49It's just so awesome, you know?
00:50:53Oh, wow.
00:50:55That's exactly how I felt after my first double penetration.
00:51:00You know what they say.
00:51:01You never forget your first.
00:51:03I know.
00:51:04Oh, babe.
00:51:06Oh.
00:51:22It's not here.
00:51:32What's not?
00:51:33What you looking for, Carl?
00:51:35Hey, DJ.
00:51:36Can you just please tell me where the portal is so that I can get out of here?
00:51:42How about that I give you a hint, Carl?
00:51:44Okay.
00:51:45Yeah, please give me a hint.
00:51:47Give me a hint.
00:51:48Your way home's not through something you can touch, but rather something you can feel.
00:51:56Okay.
00:51:57Okay, DJ.
00:51:58So if you're not going to show me how to get home, maybe you could give me some actual useful information.
00:52:03You know, like, uh, Rod?
00:52:06Why?
00:52:07Why is he chasing us all over town?
00:52:09Because that's his job.
00:52:11Rod's a cop.
00:52:14That's what cops do.
00:52:16Chase people around.
00:52:17That's what it is.
00:52:18I mean, it's like Bambi.
00:52:19Bambi?
00:52:20Bambi's going to be the hottest damn sorority cheater there ever was.
00:52:24Sexy.
00:52:25I so want to kick your ass right now.
00:52:28I mean, I don't know if I could, but you're not helping me.
00:52:30You want to throw?
00:52:31I don't know if I have to beat it out of you.
00:52:33You want me to go Cobra on you?
00:52:35If you must.
00:52:36I'll take you down.
00:52:37Show me some feeling.
00:52:38I'm feeling.
00:52:39That's your adventure.
00:52:40I'll choose my own adventure, all right?
00:52:41Feeling.
00:52:42That's all I'm saying.
00:52:43Stop.
00:52:44Bang.
00:52:45What?
00:52:50What a dick.
00:53:08I am so excited about tryouts.
00:53:11I'd do anything to miss this girl.
00:53:13Me too.
00:53:14I'd do absolutely nothing I wouldn't do.
00:53:18I just heard that they're short one judge and they might cancel tryouts.
00:53:22No.
00:53:27Now listen, sister.
00:53:28You want to play ball or what?
00:53:29Yeah.
00:53:34Hold on, cupcake.
00:53:39You want the alligator, you're going to have to spill the beans.
00:53:42No, I promise, baby.
00:53:43I wouldn't tell.
00:53:44Okay.
00:53:46No, no, no.
00:53:47Geez.
00:53:48Okay.
00:53:49On campus, girls locker room.
00:53:52Hey, hey, hey.
00:53:54Cool your jets, chippy.
00:54:00I got the jump.
00:54:01Valley campus, girls locker room.
00:54:04Over.
00:54:05All right, let's chill.
00:54:12Well, if he doesn't show up, we're going to have to cancel.
00:54:23Hey, sorry, mate.
00:54:25Car trouble.
00:54:27Let's get it on.
00:54:41Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:15Bring it down.
00:55:17Bring it down now.
00:55:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:55:35By the power vested in me as the coolest and best-looking judge in the Valley,
00:55:40I hereby announce this year's cheer captain as
00:55:45baby
00:56:10Open it open it open it the big guys are coming open it
00:56:40Oh
00:57:02His name is Busta
00:57:05Busta nut
00:57:07Wannabe rapper turned porn star directed through
00:57:10Low budget videos for some no-named emcees hooked up with diamond jim. Voila franchise was born
00:57:17Okay, how does that help us get home? Dude's got a whole collection of old-school video style games in the basement downstairs call
00:57:24Booth style games feel me. Yes. Okay. Good. Good. Good. Good
00:57:33Really
00:57:36Follow my lead
00:57:51Back the fuck up bitch
00:57:55Summery hey, you know me
00:58:00It's me. Look at my
00:58:03Rumpa-rumpa-rumpa-rumpa-rumpa
00:58:09Check this out
00:58:11I
00:58:35Like it when girls poop on
00:58:38Very sick, but but we fit in here. So girl, we just listen music
00:58:42Saw the girl so we come down. She was crackling. Do I get a plus one?
00:58:50Thanks girl
00:59:07I
00:59:29Love you, cuz you never judged me on the fact that I was uncircumcised
00:59:33I love that. You know, my dick got a leg warmer on it. You still love daddy
00:59:43Okay, can you stop with that stop and where's the thing? Oh
00:59:49Yeah, the time machine portal thing about probably gonna find that over there VIP down the stairs
00:59:57Oh my god, is that call
00:59:59Oh
01:00:04Maybe that's where he ship is
01:00:30Oh
01:00:35Okay, you both look great
01:00:59Drink may I
01:01:04Yes, you are something yeah, oh it's warm
01:01:20Sit man, I said crazy. I said my pop cup right up in his porch
01:01:29I
01:01:50Don't want them. Hey, yo, yo my boy
01:01:59Dog
01:02:11That's cool man
01:02:13He's a motherfucking turd in a punchbowl the crack ass, but he's my he's my boy. I
01:02:22Just be right back, okay save my spot tap tap you better go get that motherfucker
01:02:30Holy shit, here it is
01:02:34All right. Well
01:02:37Go ahead and get in
01:02:40You're not coming I
01:02:43Love you, but I struck the lottery here, bro. I belong here
01:02:48If this thing works, you can ride it back anytime you want and who knows maybe even sometimes I'll come for holidays my Kwanzaa
01:03:02Bye
01:03:10There we go, holy shit it works
01:03:12What the fuck is this
01:03:17It looks like some kind of video game where you have to use the cock to shoot all the titties, well
01:03:23Looks like you're screwed
01:03:25Should go back upstairs. You said this was gonna work make it work
01:03:32I
01:03:34Should go back upstairs
01:04:04Come on
01:04:07Let's go
01:04:09Oh
01:04:29Got a bitch-ass motherfuckers you think we are you think those motherfucking guns? This is a motherfucking gun
01:04:40Is that right my man
01:04:44You ain't no motherfucking romper I it was check that out
01:04:52You
01:04:53Motherfuckers and don't come around here. I'll beat the grizzly Adam shit out of you
01:04:58Yeah, Andy Griffith looking motherfucker. Get the dancing again
01:05:09Me
01:05:14So I know that didn't go so well
01:05:17Didn't go so well, no check it out. I've got that look. I've got the cure Carl. I got our way out of here
01:05:24two words
01:05:27Babysitter orgy. Oh my god. There's a house down here that I recognized some earlier
01:05:31I knew I recognized it, but oh my god. I'm trapped here forever with you
01:05:39Yeah, like it's a bad thing I
01:05:43Should have never listened to you you work in a liquor store
01:05:48And now you dragged me into your porn fueled world
01:05:57You're the biggest loser I know I
01:06:01Deserve this really so thanks is that right? Yeah, you know what Carl boo-hoo
01:06:09Yeah, oh, I'm Carl. Oh, there's too many boobies
01:06:13Do this to me Lester? How could you bring me to the greatest place on the earth?
01:06:17You know what what about me? I should be getting laid two at a time twice a day
01:06:22But no, I gotta deal with your whining ass all the time. Oh, I'm sorry
01:06:26I'm the one who gets kicked in the balls over and over and over and I'm laying in my own puke and then the thing
01:06:31at the hospital
01:06:34You don't say a word, but don't tell nobody
01:06:38You know what to hell with you to hell with me yeah hell with me right the hell with you
01:06:44Okay, no you double. I got these are all for you. All right
01:06:49Go get laid enjoy enjoy
01:06:59You're a baby come on
01:07:03Oh
01:07:18Did I order a pizza gee maybe I got the wrong house
01:07:23Extra large sausage giant
01:07:29Yummy
01:07:34I
01:07:46Think in your car pizza boy power
01:07:56What you know what fuck you nothing's ruining my night
01:08:04Good night miss Lynn
01:08:08Hey Pammy
01:08:16What's wrong how could you
01:08:22How could I what I thought you were different
01:08:27What are you talking about I I saw you tonight with those girls
01:08:32With which girls it's not you're gonna lie to me. Oh
01:08:37Those no no no I can explain. I don't want to hear it. I saw what I saw and that's that
01:08:43No, baby. Really it is not what you think
01:08:46You hurt me
01:08:48And I don't ever want to see you again
01:08:51And to think I ever loved you
01:09:02Thank you God, oh
01:09:05My god, did you like order a pizza you didn't
01:09:11Who cares? I'm like totally starving
01:09:16We don't have any money oh my god, is there like any other way we could pay you
01:09:24I'm sure we could think of something
01:09:26That was just inside for a second
01:09:28Don't sell yourself short stud muffin. You are harder than Chinese math
01:09:36But seriously who steals a pizza car I'm kicking a bunch I go pin your diapers on and dangle
01:09:47Breaker breaker
01:09:49Dust out the chopper squad. I got the buzz on the other side
01:09:53Dust out the chopper squad. I got the buzz on the hoppy
01:10:00It's called the nervous game, oh my god, I'm like so scared
01:10:07Seriously, so what you do is you put one hand on each other stop
01:10:13Not yet
01:10:15Starting with each other's heads
01:10:18Then you move slowly down
01:10:20pausing to ask
01:10:22Are you nervous?
01:10:24and if the answer is no, then you keep moving and
01:10:28The game doesn't stop until someone says that makes me nervous
01:10:33But what if nothing makes me nervous? Then you keep going and going and going and going
01:10:40Okay, let's start
01:10:52You
01:10:56Nervous no, are you nervous? No
01:11:06Are you nervous? No
01:11:12Are you nervous
01:11:14No.
01:11:15Are you nervous?
01:11:16Did you guys hear something?
01:11:17Now you're making me nervous.
01:11:18Where is your boyfriend?
01:11:19That's not my boyfriend.
01:11:20Hello?
01:11:21Anybody at home?
01:11:22Hello?
01:11:23Hello?
01:11:24Hello?
01:11:25Hello?
01:11:26Hello?
01:11:27Hello?
01:11:28Hello?
01:11:29Hello?
01:11:30Hello?
01:11:31Hello?
01:11:32Hello?
01:11:33Hello?
01:11:34Hello?
01:11:35Hello?
01:11:36Hello?
01:11:37Hello?
01:11:38Hello?
01:11:39Hello?
01:11:40Hello?
01:11:41Hello?
01:11:42Hello?
01:11:43Hello?
01:11:44Hello?
01:11:45Hello?
01:11:46Hello?
01:11:47Hello?
01:11:48Hello?
01:11:49Hello?
01:11:50Hello?
01:11:51Hello?
01:11:52Hello?
01:11:53I am the pool boy and I have come to clean your pool.
01:11:54Oh, and it's so dirty.
01:11:55Wait! We don't even have a pool!
01:12:55Fuck this place, Carl!
01:13:26Oh, come on, Bambles! DJ's parties always cheer you up! Put on a happy face!
01:13:34Oh, no, we did the right thing by getting rid of that car.
01:13:40I know, I think I made a horrible mistake, and I miss him so much it hurts.
01:13:45I wonder what he's doing right now.
01:13:49Oh, God, so that's it, huh?
01:13:52Yep.
01:13:55Well, what's the plan?
01:14:09Bambi! Daphne, come over here, you sweet things!
01:14:13Uh-oh. Why the long puss, sweet cheeks?
01:14:16She'll be fine. She just needs to relax.
01:14:19Well, you came to the right place.
01:14:21Excuse me, sweetie. Come on, now.
01:14:24You sit down. You tell DJ what's going on.
01:14:27Well, there's this boy that I met, and I treated him bad.
01:14:33And now I feel bad.
01:14:35That's so sad.
01:14:39That's so sad.
01:15:01Fuck!
01:15:04Fuck!
01:15:09Fuck!
01:15:14Fuck!
01:15:19Fuck!
01:15:24Fuck!
01:15:29Fuck!
01:15:34Fuck!
01:15:49Oh, God.
01:15:51Oh, great. Excellent.
01:15:53What's this?
01:15:54Oh, this one, too.
01:15:55Oh, that's nice.
01:15:56Okay, give it up, kinks.
01:15:58Or else you're both gonna get the broads.
01:16:02What's that? I don't know what that is.
01:16:04I don't know.
01:16:06I just met a teen twister.
01:16:08Do it. Try it.
01:16:10Oh, please!
01:16:12It's not working.
01:16:21Come on. Fuck.
01:16:22Okay.
01:16:24Oh, please.
01:16:31Off me, bitch.
01:16:33No.
01:16:34Okay.
01:16:35Now he's...
01:16:36Please, please, please, please.
01:16:37Dr. G, rock cannon!
01:16:45Get him, punk!
01:16:54Oh, my God.
01:16:55Oh!
01:16:56Headband!
01:16:58Bam!
01:16:59What the hell is going on?
01:17:02I am about to red-light these hotheads back to the Hoot Scout!
01:17:06Well, just stuff it, Rod.
01:17:08DJ, we just want to go home.
01:17:10Yeah, I mean, we can't figure out why we're here.
01:17:13And by the way, none of us learned a damn thing.
01:17:18Is that right?
01:17:19So you guys just want to give up the journey.
01:17:22Is that right?
01:17:23Exactly. Yeah.
01:17:27Well, if that's what you really want...
01:17:30That's exactly... Well, yes. Positive.
01:17:33Okay, then just do as I say.
01:17:35Cup your balls, give them a squeeze, and say,
01:17:38There's no place like home.
01:17:40There's no place like home.
01:17:44Weird.
01:17:49There's no place like home.
01:17:51There's no place like home.
01:17:53There's no place like home.
01:17:55You're fucking with me!
01:17:57You're dead, you disgusting scum!
01:18:00Ah, the boot's right up there!
01:18:04Just step inside and off you go.
01:18:06Go.
01:18:07Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
01:18:09Hold the phone.
01:18:10He already said it.
01:18:12Are you just gonna kick these Trouble Boys' skip out?
01:18:15Will you shut up, Rod?
01:18:18Seriously, what crime did these guys ever commit, anyway?
01:18:20Well, I mean, I'm not sure specifically.
01:18:23I mean, I'm gonna, you know, check the statues and everything.
01:18:25When I get a chance.
01:18:27Yeah, why don't you do that, Rod?
01:18:29Why don't you check the statues?
01:18:30You're the sire's cop on the force.
01:18:32And, Rod, you're fired.
01:18:35Excuse me?
01:18:39Ha!
01:18:42So, what are you guys waiting for?
01:18:51Come on.
01:19:00Come on, let's go.
01:19:12I guess you learned something important here after all.
01:19:16Well, I did, D.J.
01:19:18I learned what true love really is.
01:19:21Oh, Jesus.
01:19:25I love you, Carl.
01:19:26I love you, baby.
01:19:30What happened?
01:19:32What'd you do to my friend, Diamond Jim?
01:19:35Bambi?
01:19:40Bambi?
01:19:43So, then I remember.
01:19:45It hits me.
01:19:46Wang, the one rule in this land.
01:19:49You can't fall in love.
01:19:51Well, D.J., that's so unfair.
01:19:53I love him.
01:19:54Oh.
01:19:55I love you.
01:19:56I love you.
01:19:57I love you.
01:19:58I love you.
01:19:59I love you.
01:20:00I love you.
01:20:01I love you.
01:20:02That's so unfair.
01:20:03I love him.
01:20:04Oh, Jesus Christ.
01:20:07In this land, you can't have that feeling.
01:20:10Okay, I'm sorry.
01:20:13Yeah, that's tough, sweetie.
01:20:15Tough break.
01:20:16Hey, listen, it's been really great getting to know you all.
01:20:18Hey, uh, Lester?
01:20:20Are you sure that you really, really want to go?
01:20:23Yeah, bro.
01:20:24I think I learned my lesson.
01:20:26What was that?
01:20:27This place is not what I expected it to be.
01:20:30Okay?
01:20:31I don't mean that anymore.
01:20:34I don't mean it in a good way.
01:20:36Well, there's one more thing that you should know before you go.
01:20:39Oh, yeah, Diamond Jim, what's that?
01:20:41Lester.
01:20:44I am your father.
01:20:47What?
01:20:52That's my son!
01:20:53Prince to the valley!
01:20:56And then we'll get married.
01:21:02Carl!
01:21:04Where the hell have you been?
01:21:06It's been two days.
01:21:07And do you know what that means?
01:21:08That means it's Sunday.
01:21:10And do you know what Sunday is?
01:21:12Sunday is food tasting day at the club with my parents.
01:21:16With...
01:21:17What the fuck happened to your ceiling?
01:21:19Uh, I had to take...
01:21:21No, no, no.
01:21:22I don't want to know.
01:21:23Because right now, we're going to go to the club,
01:21:25we're going to meet my parents,
01:21:27and we're going to have a nice time.
01:21:29Okay?
01:21:30And tomorrow, you will explain everything.
01:21:32Okay.
01:21:33So go get changed.
01:21:34Okay.
01:21:41No!
01:21:45What did you say?
01:21:50I said no.
01:21:52No?
01:21:53Oh.
01:21:54No to what?
01:21:55No to everything.
01:21:59No to picking up your parents,
01:22:01and no to going to the food tasting at the club,
01:22:05and also no to ever explaining anything to you!
01:22:10You know what?
01:22:11You are going to regret this, mister.
01:22:13Oh, really?
01:22:14Are you sure?
01:22:15Are you sure I am?
01:22:16Do I look like I'm going to regret it?
01:22:18Are you sure?
01:22:19Look closer!
01:22:20Get the hell out of here!
01:22:21Get out!
01:22:22Get!
01:22:32DJ, isn't there anything you can do?
01:22:34I mean, I know the rule,
01:22:35but can't you make an exception just this once?
01:22:37Bambi, you know you've always been my favorite,
01:22:40and I would do anything in the world to make you happy.
01:22:42Then please help me, please.
01:22:44Oh, come on, DJ.
01:22:47Do our girl right.
01:22:52Well, let's just see what the deeds can do.
01:22:55All right?
01:22:56All right.
01:23:00Thank you, thank you.
01:23:02There he is.
01:23:03He's coming out of it.
01:23:05All right?
01:23:06Hey, son.
01:23:07How you doing?
01:23:08You're here.
01:23:09You're back.
01:23:10Good to have you.
01:23:11You're the prince of the valley.
01:23:13How do you like your life?
01:23:18I love you, Dad.
01:23:19Yeah.
01:23:20You still want to go?
01:23:27No!
01:23:28No!
01:23:29No!
01:23:35I never liked him anyway.
01:23:51All right.
01:24:00You're watching the Diamond Zone,
01:24:02America's top adult network.
01:24:04Up next...
01:24:05What's up, buddy?
01:24:07It's Lester Doublewide Watts here coming straight at you.
01:24:11Are you ready to get it on?
01:24:14What?
01:24:15And now for a sampling of some of my new super hot hits.
01:24:20What do you mean you can't pay me?
01:24:22I've cleaned the pool, though.
01:24:28Oh, okay.
01:24:30Consider your pipes plumbed.
01:24:38Are you ready for your deposition?
01:24:44That's right, baby.
01:24:46And now, a special delivery just for you.
01:24:49The hottest piece of ass this side of the Mississippi.
01:24:53Miss Bambi Cummings.
01:24:56No, no, no.
01:25:16Bambi?
01:25:38Bambi?
01:25:47Bambi, is that you?
01:25:48Yeah, it's really me.
01:25:50But how?
01:25:51When your journey ended, it turned out mine had just begun.
01:25:54Your journey?
01:25:55Yeah, see, Carl, you came into my life and showed me what I was looking for.
01:26:00And then DJ told me if I wanted true love, I'd have to go after it myself.
01:26:04So you gave up your life there to be with me?
01:26:08Carl, I'd do anything to be with you.
01:26:12You'd do...
01:26:13Anything.
01:26:14Anything.
01:26:24See, Carl?
01:26:26I told you I'd always have your back.
01:26:30That's right, buddy.
01:26:32Since third grade dodgeball.
01:26:34Lester, what are you doing?
01:26:36What am I doing?
01:26:37I'm just having the time of my life.
01:26:38Two at a time.
01:26:39Twice a day.
01:26:42Looks like you have your hands full, too, Carl.
01:26:45Yeah.
01:26:47Thanks, man.
01:26:48The pleasure's all mine.
01:26:51See you at Kwanzaa, buddy.
01:26:53Yeah, I'll see you at Kwanzaa.
01:26:57You know, they say I'm the best of the best.
01:27:00Mm-hmm.
01:27:01Think you can handle me?
01:27:03Definitely.
01:27:11I know a lot about you.
01:27:13And every time I walk out my door
01:27:18I'm thinking maybe I should make some plans with you
01:27:23Because you're the one that I adore
01:27:28And everywhere I go
01:27:31I can't stop thinking of you
01:27:33Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:27:38And everything I see
01:27:40I think of you and me
01:27:43Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:27:46Uh-huh, yeah
01:27:48You can be my lady
01:27:50There's nothing that we can't do
01:27:53Come and look me deep in the eyes
01:27:58Don't give me the runaround
01:28:00I'm gonna get with you
01:28:03Even if it takes all night
01:28:07And everywhere I go
01:28:10I can't stop thinking of you
01:28:12Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:28:16And everything I see
01:28:20I think of you and me
01:28:22Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:28:25Uh-huh, yeah
01:28:27You've been such a big part of my life
01:28:32I don't know what to say
01:28:35I don't know why
01:28:38I keep coming back for more
01:28:43But you gotta show me
01:28:45What this love is for
01:28:50I'm gonna get with you
01:28:53I'm gonna get with you
01:28:55I'm gonna get with you
01:28:59And when I take another chance
01:29:03You're gonna be my baby
01:29:05I'm gonna need a girl like you
01:29:08And everywhere I go
01:29:10I can't stop thinking of you
01:29:12Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:18And everything I see
01:29:20I think of you and me
01:29:22Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:26Uh-huh, yeah
01:29:28And everywhere I go
01:29:30I can't stop thinking of you
01:29:32Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:38And everything I see
01:29:40I think of you and me
01:29:42Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:29:46Uh-huh, yeah
01:29:48And everything I see
01:29:50I think of you and me
01:29:52Oh, baby, won't you get with me?
01:30:02Choke on them, punk.
01:30:04Choke.