Trevor Noah : How The British Took Over India

Prem Mehta

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Transcript

00:00When you think about colonization, it is the strangest thing you can think about, because conquering is one thing, you go to another country, you take what's theirs, you want more, you take the land, you know, you take the resources, you kill the people, that I understand, but colonization, I don't condone, I understand, but colonization is strange because you go there and you don't just take over, you then force the people to become you.

00:29That is such a strange concept.

00:31When you think about where the British did it, I mean, they did it in Africa, they did it in Asia, think about in India, those cultures could not be more diametrically opposed.

00:43And out of nowhere, the British just decided to roll up.

00:47Imagine what the Indians must have felt like on that day.

00:51Minding your own business.

00:53Walking through a field.

00:55Next thing you know, the British showed up on horseback.

01:07Hear ye, hear ye!

01:09By order of Her Majesty the Queen, we have arrived!

01:14You over there, what is the name of this land?

01:23This land over here?

01:27This is called India.

01:30Well, my good man, I am here to tell you that India is now under the British Empire.

01:38And I am glad that I can tell you that India is exactly where it was yesterday.

01:47No, no, I feel you are not understanding what I am saying.

01:56I am letting you know that we are here to colonize you by order of the Queen.

02:01Who is the Queen?

02:04Who is the Queen?

02:07The Queen, the Queen of England, the ruler of Great Britain.

02:11She who was ordained by God.

02:15Which God?

02:20God, the one true God.

02:24There are many Gods, my friend, what is the name of your God?

02:30There is only one God, and His name is God, and you too shall worship Him.

02:35You want me to worship a God, but you don't want to tell me His name?

02:41What are you talking about? There are many Gods, okay?

02:43There is Shiva, there is Lakshmi, there is Hare Krishna, there are many Gods.

02:47What is the name of your God?

02:52His name is God!

02:56You don't know the name of your God?

03:01It's just God!

03:04Is it like mummy or daddy?

03:08You want me to worship your God, but you don't want to tell me His name, huh?

03:12How am I going to pray to Him? What do I do?

03:14Every morning I go to wake up, and I pray like,

03:16Oh dear God, dear God, I was hoping that maybe God you could help me.

03:19No, no, sorry, not you, other God. No, no, other God?

03:22No, no, not wrong God.

03:24No, God, I was trying to talk to other, no, no, no, you're right, I should have asked for your first name.

03:28No, no, God, no, other God, please.

03:30No, God behind that God, no, not you today, God, other God.

03:33You're right, He told me, He would know who I was talking to, and I don't, no, no, other God, please.

03:37That God and that, no, no, that God.

03:39Then I wonder why my prayers are not getting answered, huh?

03:49How dare you speak to me like that?

03:52Do you know who I am?

03:54No, because you never introduced yourself.

03:59I have come here representing Great Britain,

04:03and I have never heard of Great Britain.

04:07Who gave you that name?

04:12Well, well, well, we did.

04:17You called yourselves great?

04:19Isn't that a little presumptuous?

04:23Shouldn't you wait for other people to tell you how great you are, huh?

04:27Shouldn't you just go around the world and just do good things, good things, good things?

04:31Then people go, oh my God, Britain, look how great you are.

04:39And I, I beg to differ.

04:41I believe we could do it because we knew instinctively, we are Great Britain.

04:46Well, in that case, welcome to Great India.

04:51No, no, it doesn't, it doesn't work like that.

04:53It doesn't work like that.

04:54How dare you speak to me like this?

04:56Look, you're the one who dares to speak to me, okay?

04:59I was here minding my own business in my land.

05:01You came over here riding on your skinny cow,

05:04telling me that things are going to change.

05:06I don't know who you are.

05:08All I know is you are really crazy, okay?

05:10You're not feeling too right, and I didn't want to say anything,

05:14but you look like you're going to faint.

05:16In fact, it looks like you have died last week, okay?

05:18Something is very wrong with your skin.

05:20You're not looking good, my friend.

05:22Maybe you should come down.

05:23We have a curry. We talk about this.

05:25What are you talking about? I look quite normal.

05:27You do not look normal, my friend.

05:29I have never seen anybody with that complexion in my life, okay?

05:33You look like you're playing hide and seek with the sun your entire life.

05:36I don't know what is happening, but that is not how a person should look, huh?

05:40I can see your veins pumping through your skin right now.

05:43Do you know how creepy that is?

05:44Pumping, pumping, pumping, pumping.

05:47If I was your doctor, I don't need X-ray machine.

05:49I just go, what is the problem?

05:50It is your kidney. How do I know?

05:52Because you are translucent. That is how I know.

05:55Damn you! We are going to run this country whether you like it or not.

05:58We are not going to do anything you tell us.

06:00You are a madman.

06:01We are going to take it.

06:02You are not taking.

06:03We are going to...

06:04Boom!

06:09She is all yours. Take, take.

06:11Don't play.

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