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00:00Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:09Hi-ya!
00:10No, no, no, no, no!
00:12Megan, if you don't hit the solar plexus, you're not gonna stop the heart.
00:15But I punctured this sternum. Wouldn't it bleed to death?
00:18Well, sure, in about eight or nine minutes.
00:21If you hit a artery.
00:22Not sounding like such a sure thing, is it?
00:24Sorry, Daddy.
00:25Oh, that's okay, Princess.
00:28That's good, Shelby. Trust no one.
00:31Okay, Rodney, show your sister how it's done.
00:33Don't tip your moves. Remember, warfare is based on deception.
00:38Attaboy.
00:41Look at that guy.
00:43Teaching his kids that you can solve problems with violence.
00:46I blame rap music.
00:48Laugh if you will, Wanda, but I happen to believe it's a father's job to guide his child down a more civilized path.
00:53I swear, sometimes I think the universe is playing a cosmic joke sticking me and Carl together.
01:02Well, I'm off to win the province of Gascony back from the French.
01:05Should I keep the boar's head warm?
01:07Sure. It's not like it's gonna take a hundred years.
01:12Well, I'm off to moisten the dust a little bighorn with the blood of our enemies.
01:15You stay behind and guard the corn.
01:17Good luck, strikes like thunder.
01:18You too, prepare us thick sauces.
01:21Well, there's Normandy, boys. Smoke them if you got them.
01:28Anybody brave enough for mint jelly?
01:31You know, I'm sure a guy like Carl was useful in prehistoric times, but the new millennium requires a more evolved man.
01:37Like you.
01:38Well, that's not what I was saying, but I suppose if you had to name an example...
01:43What's wrong?
01:44The disposal's broken. Great, now I have to call a repairman.
01:48That's not necessary.
01:49I appreciate the vote of confidence, honey, but plumbing's really not my...
01:52Carl!
01:54Okay, Rodney, hit the juice.
01:57It sounds better than before.
01:59As long as I had the housing popped, I went ahead and torqued your rotor blades.
02:05FYI, Wanda, you should never put cheese in the disposal when you're running hot water.
02:09Uh, that would be me.
02:13I was making stuffed mushrooms.
02:15I was making stuffed mushrooms.
02:17Hey, you want to see my imitation of a zit popping?
02:21Rodney!
02:22Oh, no, no, no, let him go. This is pretty funny.
02:25Hey, this is good. This is very, very good.
02:30All right, come on, son, spew the food. It's rude to keep people waiting.
02:34No way, show's over.
02:38Phew, I guess I'll have to do it myself.
02:40Hey, you got any cottage cheese? This keg is really designed around cottage cheese.
02:46People who can fix things with their hands are so impressive.
02:49Watching Carl today, I don't know, there was something almost thrilling about the way he handled those tools.
02:55I wonder if he could fix our VCR.
02:57I told you I would fix that.
02:59I know, honey, but that was two years ago.
03:01Oh, sorry, I guess I've had a few other little items on my to-do list.
03:05Make a living, raise a daughter.
03:07Fine, forget it.
03:10Why don't you marry your precious Carl if you love him so much?
03:13That's what I should have said.
03:15I can hear you.
03:24Rodney, you haven't touched your dinner.
03:26I'm hungry.
03:27Well, you need to eat your greens. Here, have some salad.
03:31How can you call jello with mini marshmallows salad?
03:35And this tastes like a bathroom rug.
03:37Hey, if your mother can take the time to boil that meat, you can take the time to eat it.
03:41But it's bland.
03:42So spice it up.
03:45What's gotten into you? You never complained about food before.
03:48Maybe I never tasted food before.
03:50Eat.
03:51No.
03:52Eat.
03:53No!
03:55It's Rodney on drugs.
03:57Just eat your cheese, single dear.
04:04Oh, yeah.
04:06Yeah.
04:16I can hear you.
04:18See if you can hear me after you take a flying leap.
04:20That's what I should have said.
04:22That would have clamped her up.
04:23Clamped her up good.
04:25Mr. Mac is talking to himself.
04:27Daryl does that sometimes.
04:29So did my grandma.
04:30I truly believe that really old people can hear voices from the other side.
04:35It's not even 30.
04:36Uh, Wanda? Busy?
04:38Could you ladies come out here, please?
04:44That's right, Zoe.
04:46Your favorite program is on at night.
04:48And that can only mean...
04:51Daryl, you fixed the VCR.
04:53Yes, I did.
04:55And I think we can all take away a little lesson from this evening.
05:00Leave repairs to the professionals?
05:03Stupid fuse.
05:08They're on.
05:09Off.
05:11On.
05:12Off.
05:16On.
05:19Way off.
05:20What?
05:31What could have tripped the main grid?
05:34What's that?
05:35It's coming from Carl's house.
05:36Sounds like a 5,000-kilowatt hybrid diesel-electric generator.
05:42God bless that man.
05:44Here's the triangle, people.
05:46Food, water, security.
05:48That's all there is.
05:49First, food.
05:50As of now, everybody goes on a strictly rationed diet of meat-flavored soy product and rehydrated spinach flakes.
05:56No worse than what we usually eat.
05:59Don't interrupt your father while he's laying out the post-apocalyptic order.
06:02Second, water.
06:03There's enough in my underground tanks to last us three weeks.
06:06After that, we dissolve aqua-germicidal tablets in our urine.
06:10Thank God we got Carl.
06:12He's worth a hundred of the other kind of man.
06:14Finally, security.
06:16Rodney, Megan, Shelby, spread out and patrol the perimeter.
06:19Don't forget your tasers.
06:23Where's the bathroom?
06:24There's two non-electric composting toilets out back, sombrero on the gen store, decorative fan on the gals.
06:30He thinks of everything.
06:31I hope someone tries to shoot Carl so I can take the bullet.
06:35Carl, isn't all this survivalist stuff a little excessive?
06:38We prefer the term independent urban dweller, Daryl.
06:41If you call ensuring the safety of our wives and children excessive,
06:44well, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on that one.
06:47Hello, Carl.
06:49Doug.
06:51Power out on Oak Street, too?
06:53Yep.
06:54We heard you had food and water.
06:56You heard right.
06:57We'd be happy to share it with you.
06:59Well, that's one option.
07:02Of course, there'd be more for us if we just took it.
07:06And I guess there's only one way to settle this.
07:09Two men injure, one man leaves!
07:15A cage match to the death? This is crazy!
07:18Murphy, can't you do something?
07:20The law went out with the power, McPherson.
07:22Kill him, Carl!
07:24You ready to do this?
07:26Almost.
07:28Now I'm ready.
07:29I thought we agreed no weapons.
07:31This is about survival, Bitterman.
07:36Trying to get blood on the lawn throws off the pH.
07:40Two men injure, one man leaves!
07:45I've gotta stop this.
07:47One man leaves!
07:49Hey! Hey!
07:52What's happened to us?
07:54Are we no better than a pack of dogs fighting over a carcass?
07:57We're civilized human beings.
07:59We belong to the same homeowners association.
08:02Carol, I've signed your petition to put in speed bumps.
08:05Jim, my wife buys Mary Kay from your wife.
08:08Steve, that's my barbecue fork you've got pressed against Mrs. Thorson's neck.
08:13Now please, let's stop this insanity and act like the reasonable, good people we are.
08:22Three men injure, one man leaves!
08:25Three men injure, one man leaves!
08:28Three men injure, one man leaves!
08:31Three men injure, one man leaves!
08:34Three men injure, one man leaves!
08:37Three men injure, one man leaves!
08:40Three men injure, one man leaves!
08:43Three men injure...
08:52Eight and a half minutes.
08:54Our power company is really on the beam.
08:56Oh, I can still catch the order part of Law and Order.
08:59Need any help taking down the death cage?
09:00No, I got it.
09:01Bowling Tuesday?
09:02Tuesday's good.
09:06Carl was right all along. People are animals.
09:10Life is nothing more than a struggle for survival.
09:13Daryl, nobody was hurt. It's over.
09:15Everything I was going to teach Zoe to value, all the so-called finer things in life, all worthless.
09:21She'd be better off learning how to throw nunchucks.
09:23You don't throw nunchucks.
09:26I thought the VCR was broken.
09:27Oh, Carl popped over and fixed it just before he oiled up for the death match.
09:32I'm going for a walk.
09:34I've got a good mind to give up living
09:40And go shopping instead
09:48To pick out me a tombstone
09:53And be pronounced dead
09:58That's Cilantro.
10:06Hello?
10:07Hello?
10:26Rodney, what are you doing out here?
10:27Trying to be like you.
10:29Huh?
10:30It's that stuffed mushroom you made. It was like having a piece of God in my mouth.
10:34You liked it that much?
10:35I've been trying to recreate it all night.
10:37Well, let's have a taste.
10:42The cumin's fighting the garlic. Still, this shows a lot of promise.
10:46Wow, that means a lot coming from you.
10:49But why are you sneaking around out here?
10:51That's my dad. He's the worst father in the world.
10:54He is?
10:55He starts yelling if he even suggests something could taste better.
10:58That sounds terrible.
10:59You know it.
11:00Well, I've got to tell you, Rodney, if I were you, I would resent him a lot.
11:04Say, you know, if you julienne those carrots, they'll retain more of the sauce.
11:14Daryl?
11:15Hi, honey.
11:16Where have you been?
11:17Oh, you know, out and about. Not doing anything, really.
11:19You seem awfully happy for someone who didn't do anything.
11:22Do I? Huh. Well, you go on back to sleep. Good night.
11:33You're the one I've meant to follow.
11:36No more surprises, so go to sleep.
11:43You're my alternative girlfriend.
11:50I love you, now you cannot pretend.
11:58I wonder how's the baby?
12:00He's fine. It's Daryl I'm worried about.
12:03I think he might be having an affair.
12:05Oh, Wanda, Daryl wouldn't cheat on you.
12:07Really?
12:08Course not. He's the type who's so grateful somebody actually married him, he'd never do anything to blow it.
12:12Hey!
12:13What are we talking about?
12:14Wanda thinks Daryl's having an affair.
12:17Why is that so funny?
12:19Well, in the first place, he'd have to seduce somebody.
12:22He seduced me!
12:24Who seduced who?
12:25Mrs. Mack thinks Mr. Mack's fooling around.
12:28Daryl?
12:29Good chance.
12:33For your information, my Daryl is a completely different man when he takes off his glasses.
12:37I wouldn't be surprised if he'd had affairs with scores of women.
12:41In fact, I'll bet you right now he's in some crummy motel licking dime store whiskey off the small of a cheap whore's back.
12:48So there.
12:51She sure loves that man.
12:54Rodney, you can't stay in there all night.
12:56Yes, I can.
12:57You'll miss your dinner.
12:58Big deal.
12:59What is going on with you lately?
13:01Are you gay?
13:02Are you hopped up on goofballs?
13:04I can't understand you if you won't talk to me, son.
13:06I don't feel like talking.
13:08Open this door!
13:11Now!
13:12There's a five-pound canned ham on the table.
13:15What are the rest of us gonna eat?
13:18Oh, that's it.
13:21So what'd you bring tonight?
13:22Keepers?
13:23Chevrolet?
13:24Something even more exciting.
13:26It's time for the King Loire Cajun Cook-La-La.
13:30Here's your host, King Loire.
13:36Who wants to eat like the pig?
13:38I didn't come here to watch TV.
13:40I came here to cook.
13:42Patience, little man.
13:43Okay.
13:44I didn't come here to watch TV.
13:46I came here to cook.
13:47Patience, little man.
13:49Okay.
13:50Before we send some crawfish to a fiery death,
13:53I want to remind you about the upcoming
13:55King Loire Little Chef's Cook-Off.
13:57The winner on phone gets an autographed copy
14:00of King Loire's Blackin' Like Me.
14:03And a set of the Calphalon saucepan.
14:08Nothing eats more evenly than those.
14:11Do you think I'm good enough?
14:12I know you are.
14:13I sent in a square of your goat cheese empanada
14:15and they accepted you.
14:16Wow!
14:18I thought the crust on that empanada was a little soggy.
14:21I guess others disagree.
14:23Don't get cocky.
14:25We still got a lot of work to do.
14:30Hey, this garlic press has my initials on it.
14:34Well, I guess you better just keep it then.
14:36Gee, Mr. McPherson.
14:38You're the greatest man I've ever known.
14:44You know, I was crazy to think Daryl would cheat on me.
14:47He's much too good and kind and decent.
14:51In fact, I've been taking him for granted.
14:55Rolling my eyes when he makes his little speeches.
14:58So what if he can't fix the VCR?
15:00There's nothing on anymore but cartoons.
15:04Hello?
15:05Oh, hi.
15:07I was just thinking about you.
15:09Yeah, we made some magic last night, didn't we?
15:12Glad you liked the present.
15:14Of course I'll see you tonight.
15:16Don't worry, I'll feed the wife some excuse.
15:18Okay, bye.
15:20So...
15:21Wanda!
15:22Who is she, Daryl?
15:23Rodney.
15:26He's got this gift that would have gone completely unnoticed
15:29if I hadn't come along.
15:31I'm like a father to the boy.
15:33But he already has a father.
15:35Well, Carl can't give him what I can.
15:37All that survival of the fittest crap is crushing his gentle spirit.
15:40Rodney?
15:41Yes, Rodney.
15:42Working with him has restored my faith
15:44that man was put on this earth for a higher purpose.
15:50Rodney?
15:56It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. LeRoi.
15:59For me as well, Rodney.
16:01I see you brought your own garlic press.
16:03Can't get anything?
16:04Bayou.
16:06See, you do a lot of Creole cooking,
16:08and New Orleans has that bayou.
16:10I got it.
16:11Rodney, I'd like you to meet your competition.
16:14This is Gunther Beckenbauer.
16:16He's come all the way from Berlin.
16:18East Berlin.
16:20Rodney Bitterman, may the best man win.
16:22Without you then,
16:24American ketchup and aerosol cheese,
16:27I will bury you.
16:41Huh?
16:46McPherson.
16:48Very well.
16:49Gunther's victory in the hot appetizer competition puts him in the lead.
16:53But Rodney can still catch up if he wins the final event.
16:57Don't go nowhere, homie.
17:04The swill you call bisque
17:06was no match for my harvest squash puree.
17:10I don't think I can do this.
17:12Sure you can.
17:13Just remember what I taught you.
17:14Hello, Rodney.
17:16You want to talk now,
17:17or should I wait until you finish putting on your makeup?
17:19Look, Carl, I can explain.
17:20You've caused enough trouble, Daryl.
17:22Let's go, son.
17:23Yes, sir.
17:25Why so sad, American boy?
17:27Your father is doing you a favor.
17:29What's that supposed to mean?
17:30That the fry chef you call a son
17:32has no chance against my superior culinary arsenal.
17:37Come on, Rodney.
17:38Is that what the bittermens do?
17:40Walk away from a fight?
17:42Now hold on, Daryl.
17:43In World War II, my grandfather was on the front lines.
17:46So was mine, Carl.
17:48Ten seconds.
17:50What's it gonna be?
17:52Fight on or wave the white flag?
17:58Put your puffy hat on, son.
18:00You really think I can do it, Dad?
18:01If your great-grandfather could do it on the beaches of Normandy,
18:04you can do it on the sound stages of the Cajun Food Channel.
18:13Whoo-hoo!
18:15It's time for the final competition.
18:18Our little chefs will each take a bite of the mystery dish,
18:21then go to their kitchens and recreate it.
18:24While they're putting on the blindfolds,
18:26we're gonna let you in on the secret.
18:29Oh!
18:31Ho-ho-ho!
18:35Ah!
18:38Mm-hmm.
18:42Okay, two males enter.
18:44One man shall leave.
18:46Whoo!
18:48Whoo-hoo!
18:58Where'd he learn to do that?
19:05No! Not the lemon juice!
19:07Why not?
19:08You never add lemon to a cream sauce.
19:10It's one of the first things I taught him.
19:12Five!
19:13Four!
19:14Three!
19:15Two!
19:16The time, she is up.
19:18Now for the final reckoning.
19:28The winner of Kingly Wild's Little Chefs Cook-Off is...
19:33Rodney Biddleman!
19:35Rodney!
19:36All right!
19:37Give me those saucepans!
19:39Hey, that's my boy!
19:40Bah! Sorry, mon enfant.
19:43Too lemony.
19:44But he put in far more lemon than I!
19:46Oh, look at that.
19:48You must have forgot to take off the plastic seal.
19:53You deceived me!
19:55Someone once taught me all warfare is based on deception.
20:00Now you just run along home
20:02and tell your chancellor not to get any big ideas.
20:06Yes, sir.
20:07To my son, to my student.
20:09To the two greatest men I know.
20:15Know what kept us going out there, Mac?
20:17The thought of your wives and kids back home?
20:19Nope. Your macaroon tartlets.
20:21Eat them if you got them, boys!