From "The REAL College Survival Guide" by Kevin Lawson
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FunTranscript
00:00So, there I was, standing on the edge of the football field, staring at the chaos unfolding
00:06before me.
00:07I had signed up for the college football team tryouts because, well, why not?
00:13I mean, I had watched every Super Bowl since I was five, and I could recite the stats of
00:19every player like they were my own family members.
00:23I figured that had to count for something, right?
00:26Spoiler alert, it doesn't.
00:29As I looked around, I realized I was surrounded by a sea of muscle and testosterone.
00:35These guys were built like Greek gods, and here I was, a 5'10 string bean with the
00:41athletic prowess of a sloth on sedatives.
00:44My idea of a workout was lifting a pizza slice to my mouth, but hey, I was here for the experience,
00:51and maybe a free t-shirt.
00:53The first thing they had us do was run laps.
00:56I thought, laps?
00:58I can run.
00:59Turns out, I can run.
01:01For about thirty seconds.
01:03After that, my lungs felt like they were trying to escape my body, and my legs were screaming,
01:09what have we done to deserve this?
01:11As I staggered around the track, I could hear the coaches shouting encouragement, but all
01:16I could think was, is it too late to switch to the chess club?
01:21Next up was the agility drills.
01:23I watched as these guys zigzagged through cones like they were born to do it.
01:29I, on the other hand, approached the cones with the grace of a newborn giraffe.
01:34I tripped over the first cone and fell flat on my face.
01:38I could hear the collective gasp of the team, followed by a chorus of laughter.
01:43I lay there for a moment, contemplating my life choices, wondering if I should have just
01:48taken up knitting instead.
01:51After the cones, we moved on to passing drills.
01:54I was handed a football, and for a brief moment, I felt like Tom Brady.
01:59That feeling lasted about two seconds before I realized I had no idea how to throw a football.
02:06I wound up and let it fly, only to watch it spiral wildly off course and land squarely
02:12on the head of a guy who was just trying to catch a pass.
02:16He turned to me with a look that could only be described as a mix of confusion and mild
02:21rage.
02:22I raised my hands in surrender, muttering, sorry, man, I'm just trying to make friends.
02:29Then came the tackling drills.
02:31Oh, joy!
02:33I was paired with a guy who looked like he could bench press a car.
02:37As he charged at me, I had two thoughts.
02:40This is it.
02:41This is how I die, and I really should have brought a helmet.
02:47I braced myself for impact, and when he collided with me, it felt like being hit by a freight
02:52train.
02:53I hit the ground and lay there, staring up at the sky, wondering if I could convince
02:58my mom that I had a sudden allergic reaction to football.
03:03Finally, we moved on to scrimmage.
03:05This was the moment I had been dreading.
03:08I was put on the field, and as the ball was snapped, I froze.
03:13I had no idea where to go or what to do.
03:16I just stood there, watching the play unfold like a confused spectator at a circus.
03:22The quarterback yelled, hike, and I instinctively ran in the wrong direction.
03:28I could hear the coach yelling, get open, and I thought, open?
03:33I'm just trying to stay alive here.
03:36By the end of the tryouts, I was exhausted, bruised, and questioning my life choices.
03:42But as I walked off the field, I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all.
03:47I might not have made the team, but I had survived the chaos, and that felt like a victory
03:52in itself.
03:53Plus, I had a great story to tell, and that's worth more than any t-shirt.