PC/Convy/Gillette/RD, 1972
Transcript
00:00I'm not Jack Benny, and in my age, I've got a very small secret.
00:13From Hollywood, the show that reveals all, I've Got a Secret.
00:22And now let's meet the star of I've Got a Secret, Steve Allen.
00:36It seems we've stood and talked like this before.
00:39Good evening and welcome to I've Got a Secret.
00:40Tonight's panelists are funny lady, Pat Carroll,
00:43Broadway and television star, Bert Convy,
00:46lovely stage and TV actress, Anita Gillette,
00:49and that rapier-witted comedian, Richard Rapier.
00:51Richard Dawson.
00:52There's our panel.
00:53Now, we're going to shake you folks up right off the bat.
01:01Before we do anything else, would you put your little blindfolds
01:03on your little eyes, please?
01:05There was no reprieve then, eh?
01:07No.
01:08Well, this is it.
01:09We did the best for you.
01:10Now that you're all blindfolded, we meet our first contestant
01:12as we open the Great Wall.
01:13Would you tell us your name, young man?
01:26Greg Smith.
01:27Greg Smith.
01:28And how old are you, Greg?
01:29Thirteen.
01:30Where do you live?
01:31Thousand Oaks, California.
01:32All right.
01:33A panel, Greg's secret concerns what he is going to be doing
01:35here in just a moment.
01:36Greg, if you'll whisper your secret to me,
01:38we'll tell the audience at home what it is.
01:45All right.
01:52You can go right about your business now, Greg.
01:55And panel, the young man is doing something right now,
01:57as you'll no doubt shortly determine anyway.
01:59We'll start the questioning with Anita Gillette.
02:01Oh, my gosh.
02:04I don't understand what's happening.
02:06Greg, is this some sort of a motor?
02:09Yes.
02:10It is a motor.
02:11Is it on a scooter of some sort?
02:14No.
02:15It's just a regular motor, just sort of sitting.
02:18What?
02:19I don't understand.
02:20Is it attached to some sort of equipment?
02:21I mean, wheels?
02:22No.
02:23It has no wheels.
02:24No, it has no wheels.
02:25Thank you, Anita.
02:26Richard, you may take your blindfold off Anita.
02:29Greg, are you the...
02:31Oh, my God.
02:34My second question, are you the gentleman who tried to start
02:50the lawnmower on television and got fired?
02:53No.
02:54So, if this thing has a motor, is it on a sporting piece of equipment?
03:01Sort of.
03:03Is it on a pogo stick, a jumping pogo stick?
03:07Yes, that's exactly it.
03:09Is it a motor on it?
03:11Yes.
03:12You've got it, Richard.
03:14Is that it?
03:15Yes.
03:16You may stop now, Greg, if you can.
03:19Oh.
03:20I didn't know whether he could stop.
03:21I thought he was going to jump clear over to Channel 4 there for a minute.
03:24Anyway, as you figured out, Richard, I guess you could kind of tell a little bit from the sound.
03:27He was riding, and there it is, by golly, a motorized pogo stick.
03:30It's made by the Chance Manufacturing Company of Wichita, Kansas,
03:34a great straight line, if ever I heard one.
03:36Yeah.
03:37Do you want to explain to the panel?
03:38We can go up here now where they are, Greg.
03:39Do you want to tell them a little bit about how it works?
03:41Well, it, like, has gas powered, and it takes eight C batteries right in the handle here.
03:48It has one cylinder, does it?
03:49Yeah.
03:50And the batteries will make it spark to start it.
03:52And it's a one cylinder.
03:54And, like, this is the place, you know, where the smoke comes out the exhaust.
03:59Yeah.
04:00That's the gas tank.
04:01Sure.
04:02You can now have pollution in the home, ladies and gentlemen.
04:03And you can hop to work on the freeway in the morning like this.
04:06Well, thanks for hopping by, Greg.
04:08And you can hop right off.
04:09We'll see you very soon.
04:10Thank you so much.
04:11I've got a secret.
04:14We'll continue in just a minute.
04:18You're having breakfast with the stars on Game Show Network.
04:22Stay tuned.
04:24I love Mom.
04:25Aww.
04:27Thanks, Josh.
04:30No, thank you!
04:33Great tasting tombstone pizza.
04:35Some moms just get it.
04:37What do you want on your tombstone?
04:39Well, he's really taken us to new levels.
04:41He's brought customer service to a whole new level.
04:43I think we were somewhere in here.
04:45I think he sort of raised the bar.
04:47Somewhere in there.
04:48Between there.
04:49You know what he's all about?
04:50He's all about this.
04:51Not about that.
04:52What's that going to get you?
04:54Oh, he deserves this award.
04:55There's no doubt about it.
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06:50Russian Roulette, tonight at 11 p.m.,
06:52only on Game Show Network.
06:54And now, let's meet our next guest.
06:57♪♪
07:08Have you with us, sir?
07:09Would you tell us your name?
07:10Yes, Bud Dashnaw.
07:11Bud Dashnaw.
07:12Where are you from, Bud?
07:13Sunnyvale, California.
07:14This is your dog, I assume, huh?
07:16Yes.
07:17He's a very handsome fellow.
07:18What breed is he, and what's his name?
07:19Uh, Chesapeake Bay Retriever, and his name is Mallard.
07:22Mallard Pennell, a Chesapeake Bay Retriever.
07:25And believe it or not, it's the dog that has the secret.
07:28And it involves a service that this gentleman performs for the dog.
07:32So, Mallard, I'll sit down here.
07:33If you'll whisper your secret to me, sweetheart,
07:35you know, we'll let the folks know what it is.
07:40Well...
07:45Want to sit down?
07:50Mallard's secret involves a service performed for him by Mr. Dashnaw.
07:54We'll start the questioning with Bird Convy.
07:56Uh, thank you.
07:58This dog, Mallard, is...
08:01You know, I just had a wild impulse.
08:02Well, I'll lead to it.
08:03I can't be right.
08:04You can't be right.
08:06You perform a service for your dog, is that right?
08:08Is your dog in any way incapacitated that you must perform this service?
08:14Yeah, there's a sense in which one would have to say that, I guess.
08:19So that Mallard is not working properly physically in all departments?
08:26That might occur.
08:27Now, oh, what I was going to say, what I was thinking was, are you a seeing-eye man for
08:31Mallard?
08:32Sorry.
08:33What a wise idea.
08:34All of us have thought, very wealthy dog, very wealthy.
08:35Hi, man.
08:36Oh, that's funny.
08:37That's fresh thinking anyway, Bert, and knock it off.
08:38No, it's very clever.
08:40One down, three to go.
08:41I need it.
08:42Well, now, Bert said, but he is sort of incapacitated.
08:43You said that, right?
08:44That's a good track for us to go on.
08:45He might be at one time or another.
08:46He might be.
08:47Now, when Mallard smiled just now, I noticed something flashing in his eyes.
08:48He's not smiling.
08:49He's not smiling.
08:50He's not smiling.
08:51He's not smiling.
08:52He's not smiling.
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10:54We'll be back with our guest star, George Burns, right after these messages.
10:59This month on Pay-Per-View
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13:00Show
13:01That show, what the friend you talking about?
13:03Would you calm the foe down, please?
13:04That show where they trust one another, they gotta go up and answer the questions
13:07Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that show
13:09It's a good show
13:10Friend of the day, it is
13:11Hey, watch your mouth
13:12Friend or Foe, weeknights at 10.30
13:14Now it's time to meet tonight's guest star, Mr. George Byrne
13:20Hiya, George
13:30Always a pleasure to see you, George
13:31Thank you, Steve, it's nice to see you, too
13:33I hope you won't feel lonely for the moment because our panel, you see, is gone
13:36Where they are is offstage in a soundproof room
13:38I've never seen them look better
13:40They look jolly
13:42And the reason we chased them offstage is so that you and I could talk about your secrets
13:46Without their hearing us
13:49My secret is that I tell lies
13:51You tell lies
13:52That's my secret
13:53You know, that actually relates to your method of telling funny stories
13:56I never know what you're putting me on
13:57I tell lies, and the only way this can work is that you gotta go along with me
14:00Lie with you?
14:01You gotta lie with me
14:02Well, it's...
14:03Because they might guess that they're very smart
14:04I see, okay, we'll both...
14:05So, you know, we'll just lie
14:06We'll both do this thing
14:07Fine, John, you can send the panel back in now
14:09While we're waiting for...
14:10You don't have to send them
14:11And you and I, let's talk here for about 20 minutes
14:13That's my other show
14:14Okay
14:15You know, we've been talking...
14:16How is your nice wife?
14:17She's adorable
14:18She is, I understand she left you
14:19Uh, excuse me...
14:21That's one of my lies
14:22Okay
14:23Okay
14:24That's the kind of thing, you see, which, anyway
14:26Uh, yeah, here they come
14:28You all know each other, of course
14:29Yes, and there's Anita, and Bert, and Pat
14:33Yes, you're Broadway actors, and you're a Broadway actor, and I'm...
14:37I'm from Altoona
14:39Well, panel, George's secret concerns what he's going to be doing, what he does
14:43In fact, has done in the past, will probably do again
14:45It's something I do
14:47Right, start questioning with Richard Dawson
14:49Well, George, I love you, and you know that
14:51Are you going to sing for us?
14:53No, look, that's not it
14:55But if you want me to sing, let's forget the other thing
15:00You want me to do that from time to time?
15:02You sing?
15:03No, I wish I did
15:04You can sing on the...
15:06We sing
15:07George, are you going to...
15:08Can I have them sing something?
15:10Are you going to play a nightclub for us again soon?
15:14Yes, that's it, but that's not the secret
15:16That's not your secret
15:17Yeah, you're on the right track, but that's not it
15:20Are you going to make a comedy album? Would that be your secret?
15:23That's close to it
15:26That's close to it, but you're not... You're closer
15:29I was closer before when I met you
15:31When I was in Vegas, when you took me to Vegas
15:33You might possibly, Richard, not restrict yourself to the future
15:36Yeah, that's right, that's right
15:38Something tonight...
15:39Do you know anything about Peabody dancing? I'll give you a hint
15:42I don't, George, no
15:43You don't
15:44Are you going to perform tonight for us? Is that the secret?
15:47No, but I will if you want
15:49We can forget the whole thing and we'll all sing a little bit if you want me to sing
15:52All right
15:53Be glad to do that
15:55One down
15:56Was that... Does that mean I'm out?
15:58No
15:59I think it's something you win
16:00Go ahead, Pat, Carol, go ahead
16:02George, since it's something you're going to do now...
16:04It's something that I do
16:06And something that he is doing
16:07Something not that I do now, I've always done it
16:09I'll just help you a little
16:10You're going to smoke five or six cigars for us
16:12No, no, but I can do it
16:14You notice I always smoke with my left hand?
16:16You're going to switch to your right
16:17But I can do that when I smoke with my right hand too
16:19But I enjoy it more when I'm smoking with my left hand
16:21Is it something to do with smoking?
16:24No
16:27Well, of course, you've also always told jokes
16:29Are you going to tell us a new type of joke this evening?
16:32Is it going to be a breakthrough?
16:34Well, she's... Should I tell her?
16:37You know, this is a very interesting psychological experiment
16:40You know, you're so close to it
16:42What should we do?
16:44Well, I think it might...
16:45Give me a hug and let's forget it
16:46I think it might actually...
16:48Well, you...
16:49No hugs
16:50Brittany won the prize
16:51It might actually help your panel
16:53It might actually help you if I say anything here
16:55But if I do, what I'll say is this
16:57That contrary to our expectations,
16:59George has only done once for about a half a second
17:02what he had planned to do
17:03I think that may clear things up a little bit for you
17:05We'll go to Bert
17:06In fact, I'll give you a little hint
17:08When I was talking to Dick, I did it
17:11Yes, you sang
17:12No
17:13He had planned to do it a lot, but...
17:15No, Dick wanted me to sing
17:16And I said I'd sing if you would sing
17:18And I'll back to Bert Convy in a second
17:20Curtin, you smoked when you talked to Dick
17:23Oh, yeah, I smoked
17:24You always do
17:25Is it something you're doing that we can't see?
17:27No, you can see it
17:28We can see right here?
17:29If you want to look at it, I'd be glad to have you do it
17:33And oddly enough, oddly enough, he didn't do it again
17:40I think I'm the only one in the theater who knows what's going on, folks
17:43And if I am, you're in big trouble
17:45No, I think it's so easy to guess because I've always done it
17:48I've always done it
17:49Let me give you a hint, it's not singing
17:52You remember the Jack Dempsey fight?
17:55Yes
17:56Well, I won't say any more
17:58Is he doing it again now?
17:59No, but I did it
18:01It wasn't it
18:02I did it when I worked with Dick
18:04I think to tell you the truth, he forgot about it
18:07Why don't you try it, George? Maybe they'll get with it
18:10Go ahead
18:11Is it my turn?
18:12Yeah, go ahead
18:13Are you playing the straight man to everybody's jokes?
18:15No
18:18Although I've been a straight man all my life
18:22I'll clarify things to point out
18:24I'm a singer now
18:26And one of my big hit tunes is
18:31It's one of my big songs
18:34What is he doing, Dick?
18:35I don't know what he's doing, George
18:37I won't guess it, I don't think
18:38The main reason they're not getting it, George, is because you're really not doing it yet
18:41You know that
18:42Yeah
18:43You did it with Richard
18:44I did it
18:45Yeah, I did it with Dick
18:46Do it with me now, George
18:47Do it again
18:48Do it again, George
18:49Well, let him get started
18:50Ask a question
18:51Ask that first question
18:52What was the first question you asked me, Dick?
18:54Oh, I asked you, were you going to work at nightclub again?
18:58That was the first question
19:00Don't listen to that
19:03Are you going to sing for us tonight?
19:05That's not it
19:06Are you going to work?
19:07That's not it
19:08It's a question of the future
19:09It's something I love to do
19:10I love to sing
19:11I love to sing
19:12I love to dance
19:13There's a lot of things I love to do
19:15There's a lot of things I used to do
19:20George, when you listen
19:21Unless you do it tonight on the show
19:22They won't know what you're doing
19:24Should I do it?
19:25Yeah
19:26Do it
19:27Okay
19:28Ask him another question
19:29I'll do it right now
19:30Ask him a question
19:31All right, George
19:32Is this something that you're going to do this evening during the show?
19:34You want to know what the secret is?
19:36No, no
19:37No, I just want you to do what you're going to do
19:39Do what you're going to do
19:41I've been doing it all night long
19:45You're repeating the question?
19:47No
19:48No
19:49Look, you're out anyway
19:51You are buzzed out
19:53He was buzzed out the first one
19:56I'll ask you a question and you do it
19:58Okay
19:59I'll ask you a simple question
20:00Are you going to sing for us tonight, George?
20:02No, I'm not
20:03He blew it again
20:09That is not what I want to do
20:12I love to sing
20:13Tell me what you want me to ask
20:15Well, it's something I like to do
20:18And it's something that I've done
20:20In fact, I shut up
20:22In fact, I started to do it
20:24When I was seven years old
20:26When I was with the Pee Wee Quartet
20:28You remember when I did it
20:30George, you've done it all your life
20:31But you're not doing it tonight
20:33And I did it
20:34Marzi Weinberger hated me for doing it
20:37Did you know Marzi?
20:38Yes
20:39Anita, as regards to the questions you want to ask
20:41There's an old saying
20:42It wouldn't help
20:43It wouldn't help
20:44It is not going to happen tonight
20:45I'll tell you what the secret is
20:46Interrupting, no
20:48I danced with Dolores Del Rio
20:51He did it
20:52He did it
20:53That's my secret
20:54And you're going to do it tonight?
20:56No, no
20:57What happened?
20:58No, no
20:59And then he just did it
21:00It's a long trip from Mexico, George
21:02I just did it
21:03He just did it
21:04I danced with Dolores Del Rio
21:05I danced with Dolores Del Rio
21:07That's my secret
21:09Now, what am I doing?
21:10What are you doing?
21:11You're talking about things that happened in the past
21:14Oh, I know what it is
21:15Let me ask you something
21:16You're lying
21:17The what?
21:18Hey
21:19What did he say?
21:20He's lying
21:21He's lying
21:27What did you say?
21:28She...
21:29No, what Pat said
21:30She revealed her secret
21:31She said you're lying
21:32No
21:33You did
21:34Jesus
21:35That's not my secret at all
21:38You know I'm not
21:39Tell us
21:40Am I lying?
21:41It's hard to say
21:44Actually, I'll tell you
21:45We'll let the whole world in
21:46A little behind the scenes thing
21:47Including the panel
21:48George was supposed to lie like a rug
21:50To almost everything you said
21:51Like if you said, you know, are you gonna dance?
21:53He was supposed to say yes
21:54Because in reality he is not
21:55You dig?
21:56Right
21:57But it didn't work out that way
21:58But we love you anyway, George
22:00Yeah, we still love you
22:01Well, I'm a liar
22:02And I enjoy telling lies
22:04I really do
22:05I have a nice time telling lies
22:06And it's good
22:07Well, George, we really enjoyed having you here tonight
22:09And would I lie about that?
22:11Thank you very much
22:12George Brown
22:16I've Got a Secret
22:17We'll be back in one minute
22:21Every Tuesday night
22:22Hang out with the Squares
22:23Hollywood Squares
22:25Now Tuesday is more than just a word that ends in Y
22:28Squares Tuesday
22:29Tuesday nights starting at 8
22:31Want the meat tender and juicy?
22:33The secret is Lowry's marinades
22:35With a splash of real fruit juice
22:38Try teriyaki with pineapple
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22:46Here's to wearing horizontal stripes
22:48Because you like them
22:49A little freedom goes a long way
22:52New Crystallite Pink Lemonade
22:54Refreshing, delicious, and just 5 calories
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23:11Unlike any cookie you've ever experienced
23:13It's one amazing cookie and beyond
23:16Prize! P-R-I-Z-E
23:19Just as I suspected
23:20It's another case of Lingo
23:23You know, I haven't seen an epidemic this bad since
23:26Bob Eubanks' evil twin released the whoopee virus in 72
23:32Well, we're gonna have to call in a specialist
23:34This could get hairy
23:36Hairy! H-A-R-Y
23:38Lingo, the new word game hosted by Chuck Woolery
23:40It's contagious
23:41Weeknights at 7.30 only on Game Show Network
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24:59Picasso
25:00Van Gogh
25:02Bert
25:03Uh, uh, uh
25:04Win, lose, or draw
25:05Weekdays at 11.30 a.m. Eastern
25:07Only on Game Show Network
25:10Inside the brain of a lingo contestant
25:12Uh, porous, no, too long
25:14Porno, no, pop, here
25:17Up next, have another helping of Breakfast with the Stars
25:20After that, stay tuned for those hungry card sharks
25:23And then, win, lose, or draw
25:26Seven
25:28And now let's get another contestant out here
25:30Steve
25:41If this fellow lies, I don't know what I'll do
25:43Yes
25:44Would you tell the panel your name, please?
25:45Steve Kilston
25:46Steve Kilston lives in?
25:48Venice, California
25:49Okay
25:50Steve is interested in science, uh, panel
25:52And he, in fact, is studying for his doctorate at UCLA
25:55His secret involves something that was named after him, really
25:58And if you whisper the secret to me, Steve, we'll let the world know what I'm talking about
26:03Uh-huh
26:12Panel, the audience, uh, knows Steve's secret, of course
26:15And, uh, that it involves something, as I said, named after him
26:19We'll start the questioning with Pat
26:20Uh, Steve, would this have, this thing that is named after you
26:23Would it be of a scientific nature?
26:25Yes
26:26Would it help us to know what your, uh, particular, uh, major is in science?
26:31I think so, yes
26:32Would it be chemistry?
26:33No
26:34Uh, would it be, uh, nuclear physics?
26:36No
26:37Would it be medicine?
26:38No
26:39Oh, what's left for him to say
26:41I sound like the calendar for UCLA
26:44Thank you, Pat, bird-conned me
26:46Uh, Steve, would it be math, mathematics?
26:48No, I'm sorry
26:49Uh, is it a, is it a physical science to do with other than, than figures?
26:52It's a physical, like, biology or geology or something?
26:55It's a, it's a physical science, that's right
26:57Well, now I ask the question, I have no idea what that means
26:59It's a, it's a physical science
27:02It's a phys-ed, um
27:04Yes
27:05Uh
27:09Uh
27:10This is funny
27:11They named a path, Tom
27:12Let me, let me
27:13Sorry
27:14Okay, time for Anita
27:15Does it have anything to do with botany?
27:17No
27:18Or, uh, physiology?
27:20No
27:21Clearing up a lot of science
27:22It's a physical science
27:23It's a physical science
27:24Right
27:25What is a physical science?
27:26Physics
27:27Physics
27:28I'll give you another hint, panel
27:29In what physical science do they often name things after people?
27:32How very true
27:34Oh, dear
27:38Richard, you wanna take a crack at it?
27:41Where were you on the night of the fourth, Steve?
27:43No, no, no
27:44Uh, what about stars and planets?
27:47That's a pretty good idea
27:48Would it be one of those?
27:50It's close
27:51Well, that's near enough for me, folks
27:52I don't know how you feel
27:53You're very close
27:54Is it a star?
27:55No
27:56Is it a planet?
27:58No
27:59No
28:00Oh, no, no, no
28:01What else is up there, Steve?
28:03I don't honestly know
28:04Asteroids
28:05Comets
28:06Is there a comet?
28:07Yes
28:08That's right
28:09Well, thank you
28:10Steve's secret
28:16Steve's secret is that they did indeed name a comet after him
28:20It's now called Comet Kilston
28:22And, uh, it sounds like from the Hudson Rillera
28:24The Rillera
28:25Comet Kilston on the Rillera
28:28But there it is
28:29There's a picture of it
28:30It's the shiny one in the middle of all those other ones
28:32How'd you happen to discover it, Steve?
28:33I was working at Lick Observatory up in Northern California
28:36And I saw a fuzzy object
28:38And the side of the view of the telescope
28:40And I followed it up for about an hour
28:42Trying to find out what it was
28:43And I couldn't find out anything that had been known
28:45And it turned out to be a very unknown comet
28:48That will come around again sometime
28:50When will it come back again?
28:51In about 162,000 years
28:53Well, we'll see you next time
28:54So you're speaking then with quite a lot of authority
28:57We've only got your word that you saw it, haven't we, Steve?
29:01I happen to know that was Haley's comet
29:04Bill Haley
29:05No, it was something fuzzy in the lens
29:07It was actually a small insect
29:08But what the heck
29:09No, it's the real thing
29:10And it's very impressive
29:11Congratulations to you, Steve
29:12We have to leave
29:13We'll see you later
29:14See you later
29:15Thank you
29:16Thank you
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