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FunTranscript
00:00My first shoot was down in Santa Monica, and from right away, I called my manager to tell them I was uncomfortable.
00:13And instead of the supportive producer and the supportive manager that I had experienced when I was signing my contract,
00:22I got told that I was being difficult, and that if I was going to continue to make money in this industry, that I was going to have to learn how to behave.
00:34I had zero say-so. Oftentimes, I didn't even know that I was going to a shoot.
00:40One night that I was picked up, and I refused. I refused to go.
00:45And his reaction to that was to take my phone, to take my shoes, and drop me off in this area of Southern California that was just agricultural.
00:56And so there I was in the middle of the night with workout shorts and a sports bra, no shoes, no phone, no money, no purse, just really left by myself.
01:10The first time I did a film, it was pretty scary.
01:14Again, I thought that I was just going to be handed a camera and go have sex with this girl.
01:22And I walk into this giant studio, and there's camera A, camera B, camera C, and there's someone shooting BTS, and there's a sound guy, and there's all this stuff going on.
01:33And it's just all these lights around this little bed, and there's this girl sitting on it.
01:39And they're like, hey, we'll need you in 15 minutes. Here's a Viagra if you need it.
01:43I went to the bathroom. They told me to take half the Viagra. I took the whole thing.
01:49And I started to feel really red and flushed, and then I remember walking out onto the set, and I don't really remember what happened after that.
01:57I just remember saying cut, and it was over.
02:04Probably four years into my time in the business, I was just like, I hate this. I hate this so much.
02:13And every day, it just got worse and worse, and I was ashamed of who I was.
02:19I left porn because I was suicidal.
02:23There was a lot of drugs, and I found myself addicted to cocaine, alcohol.
02:33See, for me, I had to go to work to do the porn so that I could buy the drugs to bury the pain of doing the porn.
02:50So I'd go to work and do the porn so that I could buy the drugs to bury the pain.
03:00And around and around it went.
03:07Towards the end of my time in porn was one of my most viewed scenes.
03:11Towards the end of my time in porn was one of my most viewed scenes.
03:15I actually came in as more of a stand-in because they had an original guy doing my part for that scene,
03:24but that scene was so rough that it incited an epileptic seizure within him that he had to be rushed to the hospital.
03:34So I came in to take his spot, and at first I didn't know what I was getting into,
03:42but I signed the consent forms, I signed all the stuff, saying it was okay because I needed to to get paid.
03:47And then on the porn set, I was bound, gagged, and raped. I was in a rape scene.
03:54And after that scene, I went home and I tried to kill myself.
04:01Everyone who watches that scene, they don't know the backstory behind it.
04:06They don't know that I did that afterwards. They don't know what was really happening to me on the inside.
04:12And they don't even know what brought me there in the first place.
04:16And so that's why people watch porn and they just assume that we're there in front of the camera
04:23because we want to be there, we're having fun, or whatever.
04:25And maybe it's also because we're telling them that, but they don't know the truth of what's really going on,
04:30why we're there, and what's going on inside of us.